How to make him love me again

thelmascanl

Hi. So yesterday my boyfriend of 3 years ended our relationship ended things. We had a small fight and he started to tell me that I haven't been making him happy for weeks and that he didn't feel that he loved me anymore but he isn't sure. He agreed to give me a week where we take a break and see how things go. What should I do? Nothing has changed in the last few weeks he is still as loving as attentive as ever and I think that maybe he is wrong and that he does love me still. How do I make him love me again?

curlzy

Hey OP,

I agree with Sunflower here. You need to back right out of his life. In fact I wouldn't make myself available to him any time soon. You're with him 3 years, maybe things have fizzled out for him. Then again maybe they haven't. Give him time to miss you, if he still has feelings for you then he'll realise it and want you back.

However, the fact you thought nothing was wrong and this has knocked you for a loop would make me stay away for alot longer than a week and I'd need some serious answers before I get back into the relationship. Surely you should have felt something was amiss? Are you sure he hasn't met someone else? Don't mean to give you a fright but I'd be proper p*ssed if my bf turned around and looked for a break completely out of the blue with no real explanation. I wouldn't be that quick to start things up again OP.

Take your time and have a good think about things.

thelmascanl

Thanks for this. I am just so confused. He says there is no one else and I believe him. I just don't understand. We were living with another couple and they are just as shocked as I am. He was so lovig and now he is just acting like he doesn't care and has lost all respect for me. Like its hard to believe that two days ago we were talking about marriage and getting a place of our own and now this. He is being so distant I feel so helpless. I just want him back. I know that's pathetic but we were supposed to be forever and I feel that if I can just say or do the right thing that he will go back to how things were.

curlzy

OP,

So everyone is shocked, it's completely unexplained and unexpected? Yeah OP, I'm be alot more angry than hurt. I really would give him the break he wants and alot more until he gives you a very very good explanation on how he can go from marraige to break-up in two days. I wouldn't my hitching my wagon to a man like that, at worst he's lying, at best he's flighty and fickle, neither is a good thing. I'd be breaking contact until he figures himself out and explains himself. When you say it feels like he has lost all respect for you that is disturbing, why would he lose all respect for you?

silly

From a girl who has recently married the guy that hurt her most by asking for space a few yrs ago....my advice is ( as already mentioned) give him the space. Don't call him or txt him. It's very hard, god I know it is. But if it's space he wants then that's what you need to give him.

Best of luck op.

I am a friend

curlzy wrote: »

OP, I really would give him the break he wants and alot more until he gives you a very very good explanation on how he can go from marraige to break-up in two days.

Abso-bloody-lutely. OP know your value and walk away until he comes chasing you. The above is cuckoo.

In my many years on this planet :rolleyes: I have learned that you cant catch someone who doesnt want to be caught so if he is choosing to walk in the opposite direction, I would let him.

curlzy wrote: »

I wouldn't my hitching my wagon to a man like that, at worst he's lying, at best he's flighty and fickle, neither is a good thing.

For sure - this is really weird carry on.

he is not a good catch and sounds like you can do much better.

Dont contact him. Its hard for him to miss you if you are not gone.

thelmascanl

Ok so just a quick update. I went to get some of my stuff from the apartment today and we started talking. He told me that he was sorry for being so harsh yesterday and that he still loves me and thinks I'm amazing and if he ever finds anyone more amazing the sky will be green. But he just doesn't want a girlfriend anymore. He still wants us to be friends. I feel so lost. Even before we started going out he was my best friend. I would talk to him about everything and he was the person I went to when I needed someone just don't know now. I feel so lost.

Thelma

holyhead

Op, sorry to hear your update brought you bad news. It appears he has fallen out of love with you. He is right to be honest with you however hard it is for you to hear it. As dark as things appear for you now things will get brighter with time. Best of luck

I am a friend

So why was he talking marriage a few days ago, the tool?!?!?

thelmascanl

He says he was confused and wanted to say things that make me happy because he loves me and wants me to be happy.

I am a friend

thelmascanl wrote: »

He says he was confused and wanted to say things that make me happy because he loves me and wants me to be happy.

So he wanted to make you super happy before he pulled the rug from under your feet. You are better off without this guy - he can't keep his mind a minute. Walk away and don't look back

IrishEyes19

sunflower27 wrote: »

I'm really sorry, but this is a huge cop-out. As if the word 'confused' makes it all OK. It doesn't.

I could tell all my friends in financial worries 'hey, don't worry about your debts, I have just inherited a load of money and can sort you out, seriously it is fine'. Or I could tell my friends out of work 'hey, I know someone that can fix you up with something - seriously, don't worry'....

It is total and utter BS of the highest order. I am actually shocked a man old enough to have a relationship would say something so totally ridiculous.

If I am honest, I think this guy was happy going along with the relationship when it suited him, but after three years he knew that you wanted to move towards marriage. That isn't what he wanted, but he carried on as long as he could and then decided to bail.

If he loved you and was confused, he could have spoke to you, said he was not sure what he wanted, not pull the plug as I Am A Friend has said and left you feeling the way you are now.

He is a total coward as far as I am concerned and I really hope his behaviour doesn't see you put up a barrier to trusting in the future.

I worry you are going to make this about you. Believe me it isn't. You really have to dig deep now and see this guy for what he is before you start blaming yourself.

The quoted comment above says it all for me. It is a weak attempt by him to try and make out that he is the good guy really. Yeah, right, :rolleyes: it's actually pathetic.

Please stay away from him. You cannot be friends with him and you have to now go through the very painful process of imagining and building a whole new future for yourself without him in it.

Yes, it is very easy for us to say 'forget him and don't look back, move on etc etc' because we are not in the thick of it. Like many here that has been let down by someone I loved, it is a long road back to happiness, but you will get there.

Please, stay as far away from him as possible. Believe me, nothing good will come from meeting him as a friend. You need to start to get on with your life without him in it from TODAY. Slowly but surely you will get there.

I really don't envy what lies ahead for you, but I was there myself this time last year and it does get better, it really does.

xx

+ 1. OP, could you ever be friends anyway? Everytime you meet up for coffee or whatever or have a conversation, would you be able to only see him as a friend? Or would you like any normal person analyse what he says to mean more, or focus on getting him back. and could you deal with him dating other women and it being in your face. these are questions you have to ask yourself.

Look he fobbed you off big time to ease his own guilt and emerge the better person. Don't waste your time on the past, trust me. It isnt easy the recovery process but when you come out on the other side, you feel so much better. I cant emphasise this enough. Not fully complete, that takes a while, but it will happen eventually. dont let this drag you down.

LegacyUser

It's not your fault, and it's not his fault. It's just how things work out sometimes. People change, and sometimes they drift slowly apart. It doesn't happen overnight. Very few people know how to put it into words that don't hurt when they realise they are drifting apart. How do you say it? There's no easy answer. It's unlikely to be something that can be pulled back together either. Perhaps it's worth one try, but chances are, if he has worked up the courage to say it to you, then he has been thinking about it for a long time, and come to this conclusion. It could just as easily have been you drifting away from him, and worrying about how you were going to broach the subject.

I wish all these man-haters who infest this forum would stop coming on and calling the man all the names under the sun, he's a tool, he's a coward, etc. For God's sake, just because someone has had their own issues in a relationship, doesn't give them the right to tar everyone else's relationship as the disaster they made of their own. What do they want him to do, live a lie? It's an unenviable position for both. It's heart wrending. But given time, you will move on, come to terms with it, and come to some inner peace. Don't ever fill your heart with bitterness, the rest of your life is still there to be lived. Be sad for a while, be calm, be strong. And then be happy. Never be bitter or full of anger. Life is too short and valuable to waste it on that. Go on living!

I am a friend

thelmascanl wrote: »

He says he was confused and wanted to say things that make me happy because he loves me and wants me to be happy.

Sorry OP I was too braindead at 4am to explain why his statement annoys me so much.. Its cos I got the same BS before too.. Was led up the garden path by someone who knew I wanted kids and said he did too.. We moved in on that basis and I find out he wasnt even divorced - he had lied about that... 1.5 years in my late 30's down the drain cos he couldnt be honest with me. You know what happened? My heart broke but it was easier to get over him because I knew he was nothing but a liar and a wimp... It wasnt easy cos I lost the place I lived and our new pup but it was easier than other break ups where the guy had done nothing wrong..

You need a man with a spine and you are lucky in that you are yet to meet him. Fast forward 2 years and I couldnt be more happy... As mr garth Brooks sings

"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"

you may not think it now but this could be the best thing ever to happen you. Chin up girl. You can do this.

johnr1

curlzy wrote: »

OP,

So everyone is shocked, it's completely unexplained and unexpected? Yeah OP, I'm be alot more angry than hurt. I really would give him the break he wants and alot more until he gives you a very very good explanation on how he can go from marraige to break-up in two days. I wouldn't my hitching my wagon to a man like that, at worst he's lying, at best he's flighty and fickle, neither is a good thing. I'd be breaking contact until he figures himself out and explains himself. When you say it feels like he has lost all respect for you that is disturbing, why would he lose all respect for you?

What's with all the anger and hate towards the OPs ex? - who none of us have met, or really know what the circumstances were apart from the OPs version, which with respect will be just one side of the story.
Curlzy, I've used your post as an example, as it was the first one, but there are others as bad and worse.

When relationships break up like this ie, one just announces "out of the blue" that they want out, it's usually more complicated than just: 'Yer man/wan's a liar, coward,' -insert your own term of abuse.

It's usually not really "Out of the blue" at all.
Often, the person who calls time has been thinking of it for a good while. What are they supposed to say? "I'm thinking about breaking up with you but I'll let you know when I've made up my mind."
So they keep their own counsel, they don't alert the other, because that would force an immediate decision, which they are not yet ready to make.

OP, if your bf was actively bringing up conversations about marriage or actively leading you on that ye were going somewhere, then that was wrong and callous, but I'd be surprised if that was the case.
Much more likely is that he was just passively participating in these conversations, (which you possibly brought up without realising it, due to you unconsciously feeling him slipping away from you).

There doesen't HAVE to be a good guy and a bad guy in every breakup, and it's very destructive for us as a society to assign these roles in an effort to support one or the other in their upset.
I saw plenty of people take sides in my own marriage breakup, despite being asked not to by both of us. What's going on here is just an online version of same, except that here the only obvious way of picking sides is by gender.
It's disgusting.

.

I am a friend

happy in life wrote: »

What do they want him to do, live a lie?

thelmascanl wrote: »

two days ago we were talking about marriage and getting a place of our own

He was talking in lies up to 2 days before he broke up. you dont go from getting married to breaking up in 2 days...

I love men :rolleyes:

I am a friend

johnr1 wrote: »

It's usually not really "Out of the blue" at all. .

thelmascanl wrote: »

two days ago we were talking about marriage and getting a place of our own

Well if it wasnt out of the blue he shouldnt have been leading her up the garden path.

Maybe the people who agree with the guys modus operandi have been in his position before and are swayed because of that, same as some of us have been in the Op's position and are swayed towards supporting her..

You are making a call based on your experiences here... No reason why others cant do the same.

johnr1 wrote: »

the only obvious way of picking sides is by gender

Rubbish.. You need to read more threads then.

Lorna123

I always feel reading these posts that we never get the full story and are forced to make a judgement based on OP side of things. We will never be able to give an OP the perfect solution based on this. I also think it is futile criticizing others' opinions. We are all here to contribute to the thread as we see it and then the OP makes up his/her own mind. When I contribute I don't care who agrees or doesn't agree with me, to me that is off the point, what matters is that we all have different opinions and it is up to the OP to take whatever comfort he/she wants to take out of all the different advice.

johnr1

Three different posters have now misinterpited the point I was trying to make, and only responded to the last three lines of my post.

I nowhere suggested that different opinions shouldn't be voiced.

What I did say was that vilifying the OPs ex was wrong without more information.

What I also said was that there is a big difference between ACTIVELY discussing marriage and a future together and PASSIVELY participating in a conversation about same, when one is in the middle of a decision making process. We have no information as to what he said in that conversation. People often hear what they want to hear.

I agreed that IF he had brought up these discussions, that he was being callous and cruel.

I pointed out that in most relationship breakups, there isn't a good guy and a bad guy, but that as humans, we like to see things that way. It gives us a sense of fairness and order.

I probably shouldn't have added the bit about people taking sides, often but not always dividing on gender lines.
It's a more general gripe about the forum, and belongs somewhere else.


To the people who suggested that I read more threads (I have read this forum consistently for four years) or that I'm trying to stop people expressing their opinion: :rolleyes: If you can't understand my post, I can't help that.

.

ocos

Similar situation has just happened to me but we were together for nearly 12 yrs! He told me that he hasnt been happy for some time, didnt think he loved me anymore and wanted to call it a day. I was gutted initially - but sitting back and looking at everything over the past month I realise that we were just going through the motions and I had to ask myself why am I not devastated? Im taking it day by day but getting there by keeping busy, plenty of exercise and the help of some wonderful friends.
It will get easier.......

Tigger99

I can understand the OP's boyfriend discussing marriage in the hope that it might paper over the doubt that he was having, or maybe he was in denial about his feelings because the alternative - to break up with her could be a terrifying prospect. And when I say terrifying, it would mean changing both their lives becuase their realtionship had broken up. I've been there and even if you dont love the person you dont want to hurt them and you might make mistakes and do things arseways becuase you are all over the place too.
Now I don't think that this is right or kind, I think that it is cowardly and cruel, but we are all human and sometimes do sh i tty things to avoid dealing with hard issues.

I suspect OP, that he feel out of love with you. Unfortunately this can happen and would have nothing to do with anything you said or did.

Its horrible and painful and feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you but in time you will feel that it is better to know now than years (or a marriage) down the line.

I wish you well, Id say you dont know what to think at the moment. Take care of yourself and let those around you take care of you.

Chucky the tree

I am a friend wrote: »

I love men :rolleyes:

I am a friend wrote: »

Rubbish.. You need to read more threads then.

Yea because there is definitely no way someone who makes generalisations about every man would side with a certain sex on issues.

Taltos

Chucky the tree - attacking another poster here is not on. If you have no constructive advice to offer an OP or cannot keep your posts civil then the expectation is not to post.

if you have an issue with a poster contact the mods/report said poster with your reasons and examples but don't flame a thread as above again please. Doing so may result in an infraction and/or a ban.

Respectfully
Taltos

thelmascanl

I just want him back. And I don't want to have to go through weeks of NC to do it.

I am a friend

sunflower27 wrote: »

I know you do, but surely you only want someone in your life that wants to be with you in the same way you want to be with them?

It hurts like hell, but if he has made the decision to be single, then that is his choice and you just have to accept it.

A break-up can be incredibly painful and you are not going to fee great for a while, but think what chasing him will do... he will not miss you, he will not experience what life is like without you in it.

None of us know what will happen, but the best thing you can do is focus on yourself now. Mourn the loss and by all means cry your heart out, but please for your own sake, leave him be. He knows you want him back.

+1000

There is nothing constructive (but plenty destructive to your own pride) you can do now so its best to leave things lie... Its horrendously hard, I know that but you have no choice pet..

thelmascanl

Hey

Thanks for all the replies you guys have been so helpful. So today I was admitted to hospital and the instant he found out he was texting me and even when I didn't text back he sent a stream of messages asking what was happening, etc. and when he came in to see me he held my hand and brought in my favourite one of his t-shirts to sleep in and my hand cream and pj's even though I didn't ask him for anything. He is still texting me just general conversation. Now I'm even more confused. What is going through his head??

P. Breathnach

thelmascanl wrote: »

... So today I was admitted to hospital ...

I hope it's not a serious matter, and that you are out soon.

... Now I'm even more confused. What is going through his head??

Concern for your well-being. That does not have to mean that he wants to re-establish the relationship. Your hospitalisation might cause him to re-consider what he has done, but he might still believe that he made the right decision.

I am a friend

thelmascanl wrote: »

the instant he found out he was texting me and even when I didn't text back he sent a stream of messages asking what was happening

I am really sorry to hear you are in hospital.. Hope you are out very soon.

How did he find out?

I think this response is normal as he is bound to want to know how you are given that you did nothing bad to him.

thelmascanl wrote: »

when he came in to see me he held my hand and brought in my favourite one of his t-shirts to sleep in and my hand cream and pj's even though I didn't ask him for anything.

As the other poster said, dont read into this as he is concerned for you. it really doesnt mean he will come back on bended knee....

TBH, him bringing you his t-shirt to sleep in is a total mind-fu(k when he has just finished the relationship.

thelmascanl wrote: »

He is still texting me just general conversation.

I am sorry but I dont know why you were confused... He has treated you badly in the last week or so and nothing has changed. He is just playing the good friend to stop himself feeling guilty whereas all he is actually doing is stopping you heal.

OP, if he does decide he wants to get back I would not jump into it... I would take my time and demand a very good explanation from him as to why he has been acting the way he has... then have a long hard think about it because if he is only getting back cos you are in hospital then this will happen again in 6 weeks / 6 months as the issues havent been resolved.

Get well soon.

thelmascanl

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

fits

thelmascanl wrote: »

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

Ok. That is really not cool. That is taking advantage of you. Cut all contact with him and move on.. You will get over this if you try.

fits

btw OP, I also got the whole talking about marriage a few days before I was dumped.

In my case I think he really was just contemplating his future and if I'd be in it and thats probably why it came up. I really was gutted when it ended but a year on, I know we werent right for each other at all, and that he made the right call.

Its amazing how time and distance will heal

I am a friend

thelmascanl wrote: »

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

Oh what a lovely guy...

Basically it's different to a relationship in that he has no responsibility towards you and can shag who he wants without you being able gave an issue with it.

dellas1979

thelmascanl wrote: »

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

I know you probably want to do this because to you are hurting and it is a way of being close to him, and the "maybe he'll change his mind" but please for your own sake/health/mental state, dont. No matter what cards he is putting on the table, you deserve to be treated better than this. Take back control of the situation and say "no". Just "no". No explanation. Dont be all "I feel..." Just "no".

Walls

By suggesting sex with you outside the context of a relationship, he is acknowledging the fact that he feels an emotional and sexual connection to you. He is hoping to maintain that, probably (in his mind) a perfectly straightforward bond that he has nothing to apologise for.

Unfortunately, he is doing this after he has refused any committment to you, any acknowledgement of your hopes and dreams for yourself, him or a life the pair of you might have had together, and an even further refusal that you might have your own thoughts on this situation - you might be in a world of emotional pain here, but he's isn't able or willing to see that.

Can I remind you that what you wanted was a permanent bond recognised by society, whereas what he wants is for the pair of you to consider each other 'on the side'. This is so far from what you want or wanted for yourself it is on another planet. It really would be wise to cut all contact for a very long while with this person. No more compassionate visits, no more attempts on his part to be 'nice' and have him believe he is deciding the agenda here. He's not only not what you need but he doesn't see the huge chasm between what you both want, and being around him is just going to be immensely painful for a very long while.

Sephiroth_dude

thelmascanl wrote: »

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

Tell him to **** off,cheeky bugger!