Getting engaged

Sturge

silly wrote: »

I
If you loved her you wouldn't see that you were being forced into it, sure you were going to do it anyway!
Grow up op.

As I said, forced is maybe the wrong wording to use, but if I do get the chance to pop the question, it won't "mean" the same to either of us. She will be thinking she had to do that to get me into action, when really that wasn't my intention.......

LegacyUser

Relationship Issues is a good forum. But one of the oddest things about it is the way posters love to pick a bad guy. Sometimes its the other half, sometimes it's the OP. but usually on the strength of one or two posts, posters will decide "she's a drama queen" "you're controlling".

It's a pattern repeated over and over and it's bloody stupid because in the vast majority of human relationships, there are no bad guys and good guys, just people who are usually grand but occasionally act like idiots.

I think that's the case here.

OP neither of you are bad people but you have got to both calm down and TALK to each other. Nothing has been "spoiled". The vast majority of grown ups discuss marriage calmly and ongoing over the course of 6 years. "Surprise" out of the blue proposals happen in Hollywood, not in real life. In fact in real life they're often a really bad idea!

So talk to her. Tell her what you want for the future. Find out what she wants. Don't either of you get hysterical. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more that that will be that, but I suspect you'll find out she wants to be your wife. Which is what you want to, so brilliant.

And you have to keep having these conversations. Forever! You can't just cruise along thinking she can read your mind. She can't, any more than you can read hers. So start talking.

ronjo

Sturge wrote: »

As I said, forced is maybe the wrong wording to use, but if I do get the chance to pop the question, it won't "mean" the same to either of us. She will be thinking she had to do that to get me into action, when really that wasn't my intention.......

But is the acting of popping the question so important in the big scheme of things?
Surely the fact that you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together far far outweighs this.

If it is, get round there with a big bunch of flowers and get down on one knee.

LegacyUser

You know, she at any stage could have said "Will you marry me? let's get engaged now".... as happened a friend 10 years ago who is 10 years married.

Women should "man up".

If you want a ring, take charge. Men will leave it as long as we can.

Sturge

sunflower27 wrote: »

Really well said, Ronjo.

OP, I think the fact she has called it quits and you are still wondering what to do says that maybe you re not ready for the commitment at all.

Maybe now is the time to be really honest with yourself about why you have put off making the two of you the happiest people around by announcing you want to commit to each other for life.

I'm not wondering what to do as such, as I know what has to be done. I just don't know how I am going to go about it now!

cynder

Sturge wrote: »

I just don't know how I am going to go about it now!

What they used to do years ago was stand out side the girls window singing to her until she looked out the window and then he would propose.


To win her back is to make a grand gesture, how much money can you spare?

Send flowers to her daily for a week, at the end of the week get down on one knee.


Book a weekend away in Paris, or Venice, send a bunch of flowers and the ticket to her, with a message giving her the expectation that if she goes you will be getting engaged there.




Cheaper options,


Ask her father for his permission for you to ask his daughters hand in marriage and with the help of the father you can arrange a time and place you can propose to her without her knowing.



or talk to her person to person. Say all your sorrys and how much you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her and ask her to go talk to the local priest/church about a date to get married. (if your religious) to go visits hotels and look at the wedding venues make it look like its happening, that it feels real and there is a certainty its going ahead. that she wont be wearing a ring for another 6 years.

That is assuming of course you want to marry her.

ash23

Sturge wrote: »

I'm not wondering what to do as such, as I know what has to be done. I just don't know how I am going to go about it now!

You've a few options. Write to her/email her/ call her repeatedly until she will speak to you and then explain what's been happening, get back together and propose in due course.
You could go down the cheesy romcom route either (you'll know if she's into that or not) and make a grand gesture like standing outside her bedroom window late and night with a string quartet and a dozen roses and getting down on bended knee when she opens the curtains or one of the many "romantic" notions film makers have come up with in the last few decades. Bleugh. But that might be what she's into.

Mighty_Mouse

You're over-thinking it.
If you want to marry her, marry her FFS.

calculator

Seeing as she's so desperate to get married, perhaps she might take the initiative and ask the OP tomorrow? I am struggling to see why the OP is getting such a negative response. It seems as though both OP and his girlfriend are equally guilty of poor communication and the way she's behaving at the minute hardly covers her in glory!

curlzy

Hey OP,

While you're here talking to us and making up your mind she's grieving your relationship.

Yeah she blew her top but that doesn't mean she didn't mean it when she called the whole thing off. She're probably spent every special day, birthdays, valentines, christmas secretly hoping that you're about to hand her a little velvet box. For all you know this really was the very last straw and it really is over now. A girl can only take so much disappointment and it sounds like she's had enough.

So while I understand that your head is a bit all over the place, I think you're being a bit thick in chatting here with us. When did she finish it? If it's more than a couple of hours I'd be very worried if I were you.

If I were you I'd get a lend of some cash, go out to a flower shop and buy a big bunch of red roses and get them delivered, write "please join me for a special dinner tonight". Then book a lovely restaurant. If you have the cash get a string quartet to play pachelbel's canon, it's a gorgeous song and I'd say your GF will love it. Then simpley get down on one knee and ask her.

Remember while you're sulking and talking to strangers and trying to justify stuff, she's moving on, moving on from the disappointment, the relationship and you.

Best of look.


EDIT: Just noticed that Ash23 said the exact same thing only added "bleugh" at the end. LOL, everyone's different I suppose but you know your girlfriend best, if she's a romantic like me then I'd say she'll love it. So yeah does she love Pretty Woman and Romcoms? If not maybe do what I said but without the string quartet.

200yrolecrank

ljkkll wrote: »

Bull. All hell did not "break loose at this minute"; there's no way she'd have split up with you out of the blue yesterday without a lot of red flags in the run up to yesterday. Seriously, OP, be honest with yourself& with us, this can't have been a complete surprise, ye/she must have discussed something re an engagement at SOME point in the last year or two even?
And as for your intention to pop the question "at some point during this year"? All sounds a bit vague tbh, I think if you were really keen you would have it all planned in your head; the time, the date, the ring, ect. And if it was something you were planning to do ANYWAY, why on earth would you feel forced into a corner???

Give the guy a break,what a condescending attitude to have no wonder you went anonymous or perhaps your the other half.
To the OP it won't matter a feck in a yrs time any of this,seriously man who cares if it's not like the movies how you propose to her.
What matters is do you still want to spend the rest of your life with her,is she fun,happy,a good person,honest.
If she ticks a couple if these your doing well,everyone has a bad time where they can be flippant.
My hunch is that her female counterparts are all getting engaged or walking down the isle and their pressure or peer pressure has lead to this reaction from her.
Some women are crazy beyond belief when it involves marriage weddings,I dodged a bullet with my wife who couldn't care less about the protocol or hype involved.
We did it the unconventional way and I am
glad we did as it was stress free and pressure free.

rbag

I am a friend wrote: »

How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.

I agree.

If you feel forced, then it's clear you don't want to marry her.

Let her go.

200yrolecrank

Op,
Some of these posts here telling you to just leave her it's finished,we know sweet fcuk all about you and her.
You've got a pair on you just go over and ask her if she is the one you want to marry,if you have major doubts in your head then you have strung her along and time to cut the rope.
As others have said you should be telling her this stuff not us and never mind the whole asking her to marry me it's spoiled thing.
I don't think anyone has ever asked us in 3 yrs of marriage how did he propose or did we ever discuss it ourselves.
Your 28 marriage may seem like a big deal now but once the wedding day is over we felt what's the big deal about all this.
You would laugh how I proposed and our wedding I flew somewhere exotic with my fiancée 2 of her friends and my best friend,didn't have anything booked checked into a 5 star hotel,paid organised the wedding in 3 days basically 2 1hr sit downs with a wedding planner left it in her hands and we got married on a beach at 5pm with the sun blasting and on to a private reception with a free bar in our villa.
The whole thing was so sporadic and cost a fraction of the cost of one here,we all were totally relaxed no stress,if we didn't have a certain thing who cared we were on a tropical island we hand each other and our friends.
Now I know I have gone off point but I just wanted to show you it doesn't have to be like Hollywood with a trip to Paris and a surprise engagement followed by a year planning one day.

Neyite

Op, I'm the person your girlfriend is if she stays with you another 2 years. I am 8 years with my partner, and after 1 year we moved in together, with the understanding that it would be heading down the marriage+kids+house path.

After a year living together, we discussed marriage, he mentioned that he would like to plan a surprise proposal. That was 2006. I had hoped that my father who was sick would live to see it, he didnt. I saw couples in both families meet and marry in the time we have been together. My little sister will be married before me. If you can imagine the expectant faces I have had to endure for the last 8 years every time Christmas, birthdays, valentines, weekend aways, holidays roll around and people are looking at my left hand, and asking "Well?? Any News???"

I didnt want a fancy ring, or even any ring at all, or a fancy wedding. Him, myself and a witness in a registry office would have done me and he knew this. We have agreed to be engaged by a certain time frame so often now I have given up. The difference is that I do love him, and while its something I have wanted, its not something that is the be all and end all for me, and I decided that the issue of a piece of paper is not worth losing the love of my life over, and have gotten used to the fact we will never be married. Some may say why didnt I ask, but its clear he is not really interested, so I'm not going to force him into a lifelong legal partnership if he is not wholly on board with it.

Its too late for a nice romantic proposal now, after tears have been shed by your girlfriend. Anytime she looks at the ring from here on in she will remember she had to dump you to force your hand and thats not very romantic, is it?

Its a f*cking question. Ask it or let her go.

Lorna123

Sturge wrote: »

Been going with my girlfriend 6 years now, we are both 28. Was my intention to pop the question at some point during this year, but all hell has broke loose at the minute. She called off the whole relationship yesterday because of this reason, telling me that it was an unacceptable amount of time and not asked the question yet.
Now I'm between a rock and a hard place, if/when we sort this out, I now feel that I have been backed into a corner and forced to do it, which will annoy me forever.
I'm actually at a loss as to what I should be doing anyway, tried talking but she is having none of it!

Anyone any suggestions?!!

I can see where you are coming from Sturge, and I actually do not think that six years is that long considering your age. This is what I think, for what it is worth. Your g/f is frustrated that she has waited so long for this special moment. So she is miffed that she had to bring this up, feels embarrassed about it and now it is all spoiled for her. You are miffed because you were going to propose this year and now you feel done out of the special moment and so now it is spoiled for you too. So as far as I can see you are both disappointed with the whole thing. The surprise element is gone and I don't think you can get that back at this stage. I am sure that neither of you want the relationship to break up because of this and if she feels that she wants to break up then there is more to it.

What I would do now is get in touch with her and just say that you are sorry that it has all come to this, blame yourself for waiting too long if you like, just to take the harm out of it, and tell her that if she wants to get engaged next Saturday that this is okay with you and see what she says.
Best of Luck.

cynder

Neyite wrote: »

Op, I'm the person your girlfriend is if she stays with you another 2 years. I am 8 years with my partner, and after 1 year we moved in together, with the understanding that it would be heading down the marriage+kids+house path.

After a year living together, we discussed marriage, he mentioned that he would like to plan a surprise proposal. That was 2006. I had hoped that my father who was sick would live to see it, he didnt. I saw couples in both families meet and marry in the time we have been together. My little sister will be married before me. If you can imagine the expectant faces I have had to endure for the last 8 years every time Christmas, birthdays, valentines, weekend aways, holidays roll around and people are looking at my left hand, and asking "Well?? Any News???"

I didnt want a fancy ring, or even any ring at all, or a fancy wedding. Him, myself and a witness in a registry office would have done me and he knew this. We have agreed to be engaged by a certain time frame so often now I have given up. The difference is that I do love him, and while its something I have wanted, its not something that is the be all and end all for me, and I decided that the issue of a piece of paper is not worth losing the love of my life over, and have gotten used to the fact we will never be married. Some may say why didnt I ask, but its clear he is not really interested, so I'm not going to force him into a lifelong legal partnership if he is not wholly on board with it.

Its too late for a nice romantic proposal now, after tears have been shed by your girlfriend. Anytime she looks at the ring from here on in she will remember she had to dump you to force your hand and thats not very romantic, is it?

Its a f*cking question. Ask it or let her go.

I was also that person, but I was with my guy for 10 years I asked him to marry me when he found a lump, that turned out to be cancer. We got married after the chemo was finished. I knew he wasn't too keen on marriage as his 2 sisters were divorced. So I never pushed it.


But I dont think it's too late for a romantic proposal.

Neyite

grindelwald wrote: »

I was also that person, but I was with my guy for 10 years I asked him to marry me when he found a lump, that turned out to be cancer. We got married after the chemo was finished. I knew he wasn't too keen on marriage as his 2 sisters were divorced. So I never pushed it.


But I dont think it's too late for a romantic proposal.

Probably not. But for the OP - its damage control at this stage.

As for me, I've made my peace with staying unmarried and I am genuinely happy with or without a ring on my finger. It was the expectation that it would happen, not just by me but by everybody in both families that wrecked my head. Being able to transfer tax credits would be handy though!

analucija

I'm engaged six years and neither of us is actually talking about getting married. We just couldn't be bothered. For what is worth we were on holiday in Florence and we went to see the main bridge. I was there before but I completely forgot that it is full of little jeweler shops. He was joking that it was part of my master plan all the way and I told him that he should make up his mind anyway. And he said, OK let's go into one of the shops and buy a ring. And that was that. But I'm happy because we talk about things we like, about things we want and when we want them.

IF your girlfriend wanted an engagement she could propose herself or nag you into doing it. I don't know why are women supposed to be some delicate flowers who quietly wait for their man to sweep them of their feet with most romantic proposal ever. Probably on Valentine's day. C'mon marriage is about partnership and if you are not able to talk about the plans for future, then maybe you shouldn't be together.

LegacyUser

Sorry OP but your girlfriend is too right taking a stand on this. You're not showing any backbone or passion/determination. Im with my boyfriend 10 years this year and this is making me feel like a right t*at for not doing something similar years ago. We have had our ups and downs and always struggling for money but he knows I don't want anything fancy. So I am going to ask him to move out.
Bottom line is if you really love her you will propose to her. Not good from her point of view she has had to do this to give you a kick but if it what it takes. Though you sound like you would of come up with some other reason for postponing it to be honest.

Chinafoot

Neyite wrote: »

As for me, I've made my peace with staying unmarried and I am genuinely happy with or without a ring on my finger. It was the expectation that it would happen, not just by me but by everybody in both families that wrecked my head. Being able to transfer tax credits would be handy though!

I'm not quite where you are but I know I'll get there soon. We'll be 7 years in June and despite all the talk of "when we're married" etc I know in my heart it isn't going to happen. It makes me sad but thats life really. I can either stay with the man that I love or walk away. I don't want an expensive ring or a big fancy wedding. I just wanted to be his wife. He has never explicitly said it but I know its not something he wants and I need to accept that. I couldn't marry him knowing I had forced him into it.


OP, I have reacted as your girlfriend is now. While I didn't dump my partner I came very close. I felt that there was little point in us being together when we clearly didn't want the same things. I felt so angry and hurt and frustrated that he would never have serious conversation with me about it. You might feel that you've had talks about it and that this is all out of the blue but realistically telling her "yeah I want to marry you" and then having nothing happen must have been upsetting for her. You spend so long with a person and then you start thinking about kids and you need to make sure you're not wasting these years with someone who is never going to give you what you want. If she feels that marriage is something she needs and you have given no sign of taking that step then she probably feels she has no other option but to leave and hopefully find someone that wants the same things.

You never put a time frame on it, so as far as she was concerned this is something that was just "someday." She's 28, and while you might feel that 6 years isn't that long she might feel that at this age you both know whether you want to be married or not.

The difference between your situation and mine is that you were genuinely planning to propose. Go to her and tell her how you feel and ask her to marry you. She hasn't backed you into a corner when you were planning to do it anyway and if you want to marry her you need to ask her. She's more than likely gutted that she's had to walk away from this after so long so don't waste anymore time, the longer you leave this the more solid she'll feel in her decision. Go and talk to her.

username123

Chinafoot wrote: »

I can either stay with the man that I love or walk away. I don't want an expensive ring or a big fancy wedding. I just wanted to be his wife.

I love my husband, but I love me more, marriage is important to me and if he hadnt proposed to me in a reasonable time frame - which I told him from the start - then I would have walked away.

A reasonable time frame for me would have been 3-5 years. Obviously life gets in the way and delays can happen and depending on individual and age etc that time frame can be different for everyone... But he always knew I wouldnt hang around if he wouldnt commit. And he always knew my personal time frame expectation.

The thing is, we did both want the same things, but if two people are together who want different things then there is the risk that as time passes resentment will set in on one side or the other. In the OPs case the lady felt she had waited too long (not knowing he was going to propose this year), now, no matter what happens, she is going to feel she forced him. Even he feels forced now and he had been going to do it anyway!

As other posters are saying, talk to the girl. She may not wish to carry on after this - its quite a biggie, she may have had her mind made up for a long time that this was her time frame and the OP didnt make it within that time frame so thats it - although after 6 years itd be unusual if the OP wasnt aware of her own time frame on something like this. SO I would question how good communication is between the two of them.

LegacyUser

OP, try this: book a registry office now for as soon as possible.

Tell her that it's booked. You want to marry her and that you've waited long enough.

She'll be all "it's too fast, I need to get my dress, nails, shoes, family ready yaddiyada"

You've asked her, you've given her a date and now it's up to her to negotiate.

Now, I'm sure instead you'll come to a compromise of a date next year and circumstances that will suit you both better but if in essence she wants to be married, you are offering her what she wants quicker than any of those other couples will have done it.

Daisy M

How about this..... wrote: »

OP, try this: book a registry office now for as soon as possible.

Tell her that it's booked. You want to marry her and that you've waited long enough.

She'll be all "it's too fast, I need to get my dress, nails, shoes, family ready yaddiyada"

You've asked her, you've given her a date and now it's up to her to negotiate.

Now, I'm sure instead you'll come to a compromise of a date next year and circumstances that will suit you both better but if in essence she wants to be married, you are offering her what she wants quicker than any of those other couples will have done it.

Ah no playing games will not help. The op seems to realise he (unwittingly) made a mistake. It now sounds as if he wants to make things right and he needs to approach that in a mature fashion (as should his gf).

LegacyUser

sorry if I came across as condescending in my original post OP. It was nothing personal! Just I've been in your girlfriends' shoes, and I was annoyed by the surpised tone of your post- as if her upping& leaving was just some random hormonal thing. If you've been going out with her 6 years you should have had some inkling something wasn't right?
As for me not posting under my username, er, I've had a broken engagement, had to hand back presents to my family/friends trying not to burst into tears, had pitying looks from even strangers, and so don't really want anymore publicity, thanks.
OP, my ex proposed, then backed out. I/we should have listened to my/our gut instincts; that he kept stalling should have told its' own story. And as a previous poster here said, whilst I loved him, I loved me more, and I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who had so little respect for me that he didn't deem me worthy of being his wife.
Maybe I was listening to too much Beyonce- if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it....

200yrolecrank

How about this..... wrote: »

OP, try this: book a registry office now for as soon as possible.

Tell her that it's booked. You want to marry her and that you've waited long enough.

She'll be all "it's too fast, I need to get my dress, nails, shoes, family ready yaddiyada"

You've asked her, you've given her a date and now it's up to her to negotiate.

Now, I'm sure instead you'll come to a compromise of a date next year and circumstances that will suit you both better but if in essence she wants to be married, you are offering her what she wants quicker than any of those other couples will have done it.

Seems like a good ploy except you have to give 3 months notice to the registrar before the date and you both must attend a meeting first to get the ball rolling,so she could throw her handbag in the way long before a date is even considered.

ninjasurfer1

If getting engaged/married is such a big deal to her, why hasn't she proposed to the Op instead of waiting for years and then possibly ending it?

I am a friend

ninjasurfer1 wrote: »

If getting engaged/married is such a big deal to her, why hasn't she proposed to the Op instead of waiting for years and then possibly ending it?

She probably didn't want to get into the whole ultimatum thing but trusted that he would follow up on his promise. He didn't so she walked.

ninjasurfer1

sunflower27 wrote: »

Probably because he said he was going to do it. So she waited and took him at his word and then the year he said he would do it in was up?

He said he was planning on proposing THIS year, not last year.

LegacyUser

All a bit airy fairy, planning to propose "sometime" this year doesn't really sound like a man with a plan.
I think OP would quite happily mosey along happily for the forseeable future, which is fine, but clearly not what his gf wants.
Know 3 guys the same thing happened to, they weren't that pushed about marrying their longterm girlfriends, but hey presto, after breaking up, they were married to their new girlfriend within 12 months.

LovelyLottie

I can see both sides of this situation.

I think the OP said he (dunno about her?) was 28, six years from 22-28 is not too long in my opinion, but some people would want things to move faster i guess. Six years from early to late 20s is not the same as six years in your 30s.

I think the problem is that she's on a different page to you, OP. Her frustration has clearly been simmering for ages (seeing her friends getting engaged etc.) and she just lost it. I think she went a little too far, but it's obviously because she's scared you'll never propose.

It's not right of her to demand an engagement - why would ANYONE want to marry a person who says 'Marry me or you're dumped' - but she's obviously at her wits' end. She's probably been going through a lot of emotional turmoil over this, that you may not have been aware of or you conveniently ignored. She wants to get married and is scared, no terrified, that you'll never propose.

If the OP feels that he's been backed into a corner, then he's entitled to feel like that. No-one likes to be told what to do. But think about the bigger picture - do you really want to lose this girl from your life? Can you picture being happy without her? Think about whether you want to marry this girl and whether you want to live the rest of your life with her. If you do, forget about the fact that she had a little (or maybe big) crazy moment, and make her see that you can't live without her and that you want to marry her. All the best.