thinking of breaking up with live in gf of 6 years

andreakobe44

I'm in a relationship that's really not awful, but it's not great either. I have a hard time dealing with the thought of potentially marrying her. We are usually happy together, even though we don't do that much. We're almost always in seperate rooms doing our own thing. That bothers me and we have had sex one time in slightly over 6 years. She's not even a handjob person. Those are maybe once a week.
We don't argue that much, maybe once a month or so have a good one. It just seems like a roommate thing and I've told her this a ton of times and nothing changes. There really isn't much intimacy and I could honestly take it or leave the intimacy. I guess it feels like I've checked out and kind of given up. I used to always want intimacy and I was turned down so much that I stopped asking.The other problem is our interests. We both like traveling and music so we go to a lot of concerts. Other than that I like being outside, especially when it's nice out and she seems like an indoor person. For Valentines day I took her on a plane trip to a cool city. Her flight was my Valentines gift to her. We split all other costs. I asked her why she didn't get me any gift and she said because she thought the trip was for both of us. We both split the costs of everything else though, so it's like I got nothing. That bothered me.

Any help is appreciated. I'm not sure what to do.

Paddy Bateman

andreakobe44 wrote: »

I'm in a relationship that's really not awful, but it's not great either. I have a hard time dealing with the thought of potentially marrying her. We are usually happy together, even though we don't do that much. We're almost always in seperate rooms doing our own thing. That bothers me and we have had sex one time in slightly over 6 years. She's not even a handjob person. Those are maybe once a week.
We don't argue that much, maybe once a month or so have a good one. It just seems like a roommate thing and I've told her this a ton of times and nothing changes. There really isn't much intimacy and I could honestly take it or leave the intimacy. I guess it feels like I've checked out and kind of given up. I used to always want intimacy and I was turned down so much that I stopped asking.The other problem is our interests. We both like traveling and music so we go to a lot of concerts. Other than that I like being outside, especially when it's nice out and she seems like an indoor person. For Valentines day I took her on a plane trip to a cool city. Her flight was my Valentines gift to her. We split all other costs. I asked her why she didn't get me any gift and she said because she thought the trip was for both of us. We both split the costs of everything else though, so it's like I got nothing. That bothered me.

Any help is appreciated. I'm not sure what to do.

You had sex once in the six years?

ElleEm

andreakobe44 wrote: »

I'm in a relationship that's really not awful, but it's not great either. I have a hard time dealing with the thought of potentially marrying her. We are usually happy together, even though we don't do that much. We're almost always in seperate rooms doing our own thing. That bothers me and we have had sex one time in slightly over 6 years. She's not even a handjob person. Those are maybe once a week.
We don't argue that much, maybe once a month or so have a good one. It just seems like a roommate thing and I've told her this a ton of times and nothing changes. There really isn't much intimacy and I could honestly take it or leave the intimacy. I guess it feels like I've checked out and kind of given up. I used to always want intimacy and I was turned down so much that I stopped asking.The other problem is our interests. We both like traveling and music so we go to a lot of concerts. Other than that I like being outside, especially when it's nice out and she seems like an indoor person. For Valentines day I took her on a plane trip to a cool city. Her flight was my Valentines gift to her. We split all other costs. I asked her why she didn't get me any gift and she said because she thought the trip was for both of us. We both split the costs of everything else though, so it's like I got nothing. That bothered me.

Any help is appreciated. I'm not sure what to do.

It definitely seems like both your needs in the relationship are completely different.
If you have spoken to her about all your concerns and nothing changes, then you definitely have a reason to break up.
When you're in a relationship, your partner should be a positive addition to your life, and your girlfriend doesn't sound like she is a positive addition to yours.

andreakobe44

Paddy Bateman wrote: »

You had sex once in the six years?

I know it sounds ridiculous, but yes that's true.

Paddy Bateman

andreakobe44 wrote: »

Paddy Bateman wrote: »

You had sex once in the six years?

I know it sounds ridiculous, but yes that's true.

And you are think of getting married?

andreakobe44

Paddy Bateman wrote: »

And you are think of getting married?

NO, I donn't think I can picture myself ever marrying her. The lack of sex/intimacy is a big problem for me. If it's this bad now I'd imagine it would be worse when married.

LovelyLottie

I think you know that this relationship is going nowhere, you just need to get the strength and energy together to end it. Why waste any more time? Tell her you want to break up and then start to plan how you will both move forward. Good luck.

For me, no sex in a relationship, especially for 6 years, unless there's a legitimate reason, is a deal breaker.

KKkitty

Usually I'd be all for saving relationships but OP I can't think of one thing worth salvaging here. Sex once in 6 years is bad enough you made an effort for valentines and she didn't speaks volumes. Get out and find someone else.

Neyite

you are flatmates, not lovers. She sounds like she makes zero effort whatsoever. I really dont understand people like this, its as if that now they have landed a partner they can "stop bothering" - either with sex, affection, companionship, or gifts.

What about you? Dont you deserve a woman who finds you sexually attractive, who loves to spend time with you, or gets you that small but really thoughtful gift to mark an occasion? Course you do. Dont waste your time on someone who clearly isnt bothered.

andreakobe44

I know when I bring up the idea of breaking up it will be awful for her and wonder what she can do to fix it. The problem is I've mentioned things before and nothing has changed. Part of the reason sex took so long was she was waiting for marriage, but she said after about 1.5 years that she needed a special occassion and couldn't just do it on any friday. We traveled many places and apparently those cities weren't good enough. At the very least even if she wanted to wait a bj or handjob should have been more frequent than once every week or two.

It's not just the sex stuff that bothers me. The no gift on Valentines reallly irritates me. My friends have gf's that buy very small gifts on meaningless occasions just because. I used to do that, but have since stopped because she has never once done that.

I know my family will be disappointed if I break up with her because they all reallly like her as far as I know, but it's not reallly about them and more about me. If I was in a relationship like this for the rest of my life I think I may regret it.

I'm not sure if our relationship is bad because we don't argue. We just have very little intimacy and I feel like more of a roommate. When she's gone I don't really feel like I miss her or get the feeling like I can't wait until she gets back. I kind of look forward to it actually.

Neyite

andreakobe44 wrote: »

I know when I bring up the idea of breaking up it will be awful for her and wonder what she can do to fix it. The problem is I've mentioned things before and nothing has changed.

It sounds like she likes the security of a relationship without putting any effort in. At this stage she has had 6 years of you telling her you were unhappy with the relationship and nothing has changed. While it wont be nice to be dumped, surely even she has to see that if you want something you have to work at it, and that there are only so many chances you can give a person.

wrote:

Part of the reason sex took so long was she was waiting for marriage, but she said after about 1.5 years that she needed a special occassion and couldn't just do it on any friday. We traveled many places and apparently those cities weren't good enough. At the very least even if she wanted to wait a bj or handjob should have been more frequent than once every week or two.

Her views here are ridiculous. I suspect the waiting for marriage line is a lie, as is the special occasion one. She simply does not want to have sex. Now or possibly ever. I know couples who have waited until marriage, even if you stay celibate, you still fancy the person, you still want to have sex and do things that maybe your morals or religion stand in the way of, but you control yourself. Is there any of that? ie getting heated during snogging sessions and having to go away to cool off with her? if not then she is not going to morph inot a wife that is happy to have great sex 3 times a week with her husband.

Also, she has moved the goalposts here. its not just about sex before marriage, she has then said that it has to be a special occasion or a nice location. Thats downright unrealistic if true. Are you supposed to whisk her off to Paris every time you feel horny? Does she expect Celestial Choirs and perfect synchronisation?

I have known of one other girl who had a view like this that sex was so apparently special that unless there were candles, and wine and dinner and all the things "to get her in the mood" it wasnt happening. And forget about embarrassing noises or unladylike positions. She had an overly warped view, to be honest, I think she read too much Mills & Boon crap.

wrote:

It's not just the sex stuff that bothers me. The no gift on Valentines reallly irritates me. My friends have gf's that buy very small gifts on meaningless occasions just because. I used to do that, but have since stopped because she has never once done that.

I would have stopped it too. A token gesture is all thats needed. Valentines landed before payday in our house and I got a lovely card and a book, he got a funny card and I made a cake for him. She simply does not care about you enough to think about doing something nice for you. Thats selfish.

wrote:

I know my family will be disappointed if I break up with her because they all reallly like her as far as I know, but it's not reallly about them and more about me. If I was in a relationship like this for the rest of my life I think I may regret it.

They may like her, but they love you. And when you love a family member, you want them to be happy and live happy lives. You are right, its about you, but I guarantee that they would get over it quickly enough. They might even surprise you and say something like "finally, we were wondering when you would see sense"

wrote:

I'm not sure if our relationship is bad because we don't argue. We just have very little intimacy and I feel like more of a roommate. When she's gone I don't really feel like I miss her or get the feeling like I can't wait until she gets back. I kind of look forward to it actually.

This is telling you what you really need to know. I am nearly 8 years with my partner, and I still love to hear his key in the door. And I know he feels the same.

andreakobe44

andreakobe44 wrote: »

I'm in a relationship that's really not awful,

we have had sex one time in slightly over 6 years.
She's not even a handjob person. Those are maybe once a week.

There really isn't much intimacy

im sorry OP but i cant believe that you have been in a 'relationship' like this for 6 years!! if you said 6 months maybe i could understand!

seriously, do both of you a favour, tell her its not right, its not how things should be ( because its really really not, where is the love??)
move on.

i bet you any money that in 6 months you could both meet up and chat about how you left it for sooooo long when you really should have been off enjoying your life!

this is not the way to live with someone you love, honestly, it makes me sad reading it actually.

finish it, now. its gone on waaaay too long.
sorry if you think thats harsh, its honest!

andreakobe44

bubblypop wrote: »

im sorry OP but i cant believe that you have been in a 'relationship' like this for 6 years!! if you said 6 months maybe i could understand!

seriously, do both of you a favour, tell her its not right, its not how things should be ( because its really really not, where is the love??)
move on.

i bet you any money that in 6 months you could both meet up and chat about how you left it for sooooo long when you really should have been off enjoying your life!

this is not the way to live with someone you love, honestly, it makes me sad reading it actually.

finish it, now. its gone on waaaay too long.
sorry if you think thats harsh, its honest!

It's not too harsh. I've thought it was weird for years, but always thought things would change. I sort of need a roommate at this time too, which I know is a terrible reason to stay with someone. I guess I just needed others to tell me what a odd relationship this is because I've thought it for quite a while. The lease runs up in August so I"m not sure if I should just wait a couple months prior or get out now(like I'd like to do). I'd have to pay the rest of the rent for the year, but I would feel relieved. She has mentioned before that this isn't the kind of relationship she wants, but always mentions this during arguments.

dont wait another day!
its very easy to just let things go on day after day and only when an argument comes up does the ugly truth bear its head.

its easy when there are no rows just to go on as it has been but in the long run its not worth it.
how many times could you have brought up this discussion in the last few years and it would all be a long past memory now?
seriously, you are both being denied lives outside this roomate 'relationship' maybe you could both even have proper loving relationships with other peolple at this stage.

dont waste another minute, honestly ( i know what im talkin about here, i wasted at least a year when i knew i was in the wrong relationship) its hard but believe me, the relief you will feel will make you know you are right.

Janedoe10

Forget about the arguments , forget about the families , forget about the lease .. Both of ye deserve happiness in ye're own way .. Sit down both of ye and have that "talk" ye have grown apart it's as simple as that , you said your self you feel like flat mates . It's easy to go along with the flow and try and not rock the boat ,, marriage is not the end all and be all and don't cod your self if she tells u or you convince your self it may be the thing to do ... U are been honest with your self writing what u were thinking in this forum so now next step is tell it to her ...it's better doing when all is calm rather than pent up feelings coming and ye say to things just to hurt each other .

KKkitty

From what you've been saying I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you packed up and went behind her back that she would not notice or care. You've given her all you can and more and not once has she reciprocated even in a small way. You're with her not your family so to hell with what they think. They have no idea what it's like being with her. Sex is part of any relationship too. You have needs and wants and you're not getting them from her either. If you don't get out soon you'll regret it. She's not the one. Just stand your ground, tell it's over and have a friend that you can stay with if you need too as temporary accommodation in case. Even if she begs for another chance remind yourself of the last 6 years with her.

andreakobe44

I've just go to come up with the courage to bring it up. I'm not sure how to bring it up in a "nice" way. When I do this then I have to leave right away. We can't still live together or that would be super weird. The other problem is that if I take my stuff, she won't even have a bed to sleep on or a car for transportation to work. I guess that's not my problem though.

KKkitty

Can you see her leaving and letting you stay or would you be happier having a complete fresh start elsewhere. Think stuff through before you tell her as regards your future and stuff cos you'll be free to what you want. As someone said sort out your lease.

Sleepy

Don't worry so much about being "nice" OP. She's clearly demonstrated that, no matter what she says, she doesn't think that much of you. Ignore her words and look at her actions.

andreakobe44

I can't see her leaving the apartment. I'm fine with leavin the apartment and freeing myself to a point. I'll have to pay the remaining rent I owe which sucks. I should probablly wait financially for a month or so. I also need to find a new place to live first. It will come as a shock to her, but there are quite a few problems with this relationship. I feel like a friend only and I know we won't be friends when I tell her. What should I say my reasons are? Should I just say everything I don't like about the relationship or leave it in a "nice" way?

Big Bag of Chips

Surely she knows what the problems are, without you needing to spell it out.

It's not really working as a "relationship", and is more a friendship.... you never know, she might be as relieved as you to be free if it.

Can you not give a months notice and move out without paying all the rent owed for the rest of the lease. It's been a while since I rented, but I never had to pay the remainder of a lease if I moved out once I gave sufficient notice.

Plek Trum

Oh dear,
I think you know that there really is no point in continuing this way. You don't sound happy, you don't sound devastated, you don't sound heartbroke. You sound numb.
And that is because you don't feel any real passion for this relationship and by the sounds of it, its no wonder.

I know sex is hugely important factor in a relationship and at the same time I respect people's beliefs if she wants to abstain for religious reasons. But if you look outside of this area, you really don't have a lot else going on together as a couple. No romance, no suprises, no hanging out together or even cosy nights in.

It seems that you are both comfortable in your distant familiarity and THAT is certainly not the basis for a realtionship yet alone marriage.

The way forward - take control of the situation.

Start by having a talk about your feelings and be completely honest in that for you, the relationship isnt what you want in life. Its not about giving half truths in order to spare feelings, its about being tactfully honest with her. I doubt this should come as a surprise to her to hear.

Can you ask a friend you could stay with them for a night or two? I'd have the talk, explain that you will be staying with a friend for a few nights to give her space and that come the end of the month you will have a new place lined up is she wishes to keep on the lease by herself. That way you are not dropping the bomb and taking off but giving yourself time to get organised and time for reality to sink in.

Be honest in your talk with her - you dont have to give a huge list of reasons but state the obvious clearly - lack of intimacy, lack of connection, lack of laughter, lack of friendship even. Best of luck - you are doing the right thing.

curlzy

Hey OP,

You sound like I did, right before I finished a 5 year relationship. It was like yours, more like living with a cousin/roomate than a lover. Didn't miss him when he wasn't there, that's actually when it dawned on me that I didn't love him anymore. I was waiting for him at the airport and when he came through the gates I felt nothing. Eventually I broke up with him, met the love of my life 2 months later and it couldn't be more different.

I miss him if I don't see him every day, and he's waiting for me at the front door for a hug when I get home from work every day. We get each other little presents all the time, just little things like a cadbury's creme egg if we go to the shop. I love doing all his laundry and handing it back to him all clean and he loves making me delicious dinners and the sex? well not to brag but it's regular and deeply satisfying:D. Honestly OP, I really would kill for him and can't imagine my life without him. That's how true love is OP and you're missing out on it

So yeah just finish it with her and promise yourself you'll never put up with a pseudo-relationship again. If you're like me and you certainly sound like it, you'll cry for a day from the shock of it and then you'll live like you've never lived before.

You're going to be grand,
Best of luck.

andreakobe44

I'm just so used to seeing her on a daily basis and we've lived together for like 3 years now. I'll be more surpirsed that it will be over than heart broken. I'm honestly just not that invested in it anymore. It will just be weird not seeing her all the time. I suppose I could say that we could get back together someday, but I really doubt that would be the case so I don't like leaving someone hang like that. It's a tough position, but I just can't ever see myself proposing or marrying someone that there is no real connection. It's a friends and roommate thing like I've said.

LegacyUser

OP, it sounds like you have already decided to end the relationship. You would now like some advice as to exactly how you should do this. Of course, as most people will appreciate, it will be difficult to end a 6 year relationship but, please, do sit her down and have a conversation where she knows that you are leaving and why. Don't just walk out. That would be cruel.

KKkitty

OP the first few weeks will no doubt be scary and weird. Just think past that. As I said ask a good friend can you stay for a few days while you sort stuff out. You can do this. Keep your key and even wait til she's not there to remove stuff or whatever. You will find someone who wants everything you want and reciprocates when you show affection and love. You deserve better than now please don't hate me for saying this but your girlfriend seems kinda emotionless to me. It's just the way she comes across from what you've said. Does she have underlying emotion issues.

andreakobe44

I'm not sure what or if she has an emotional problem. We don't really talk about deep things. She has a Very low drive obviously and after being turned down so often, I don't even ask or make any attempt anymore. I don't really miss her. I know at the very least we need a break. The big problem is the living situation. I need to somehow get my stuff out. I'd even give her a few things of furniture like the bed if it was easier on her.

msnd

I wouldn't worry about stuff you own and extra rent right now. You are debating the small stuff here while your life is on hold.Just be sure that you do want to break up for good. Who knows this break could turn her life around too and she won't want to get back. Break with her and worry about the practicalities later

KKkitty

Would she ever have teased you into thinking sex was going to be on the table at any time and then withhold it saying she wasn't in the mood.

andreakobe44

She would say it has to be in the right setting and that she couldn't just have sex anywhere. I get handjobs maybe once every 2 weeks or so. BJ's maybe once ever 8 months.

I am a friend

andreakobe44 wrote: »

She would say it has to be in the right setting and that she couldn't just have sex anywhere. I get handjobs maybe once every 2 weeks or so. BJ's maybe once ever 8 months.

Well you put up with it, effectively giving her the green light to act like that.

KKkitty

She held you over a barrel. You enabled her unwittingly I think. You were probably always thinking tonight is the night but some excuse was made and hand jobs or bjs were used as a lame replacement. You deserve better than that trust me. You can't beat the intimacy of sex and how it makes you feel.

andreakobe44

KKkitty wrote: »

She held you over a barrel. You enabled her unwittingly I think. You were probably always thinking tonight is the night but some excuse was made and hand jobs or bjs were used as a lame replacement. You deserve better than that trust me. You can't beat the intimacy of sex and how it makes you feel.

Yeah it's my fault for putting up with it. I guess I just got so used to it and assumed it would change. I got kind of numb and didn't even think of it.

KKkitty

You're going to be ok OP Don't prolong the break up any longer and start afresh. Allow yourself some you time for a bit first and if you have some single friends head out for the night and have some fun.

newuser30

ok so she was waiting for marraige, what were you waiting for? She stated this from the start. She was clearly not going to be jumping into bed with you every night if this is her belief? Some women believe they shouldn't give all of themselves physically or emotionally before marraige. You clearly do not have the same views, therefore you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone like this. You have very different values, have you both been holding out in the hope that one or the other will change?! She probably has completely checked out of the relationship emotionally too, I wouldn't think she's over the moon with the state of things. You are both comfortable though, so it will be hard but you need to end it.

andreakobe44

I really loved her in the beginning. I think I still love her, but I'm not in love with her because there is no passion. I care about her a lot and the worst part will be to hurt her feelings. I know I need to do it. I was waiting thinking that she would change her mind about sex. She eventually did change her mind(well once), but I think it was too late and I already gave up to a point.

KKkitty

A part of you will always care for her I know but I have to commend you on one thing. From all you've said about her I didn't see one word about you cheating. As bad as things got you never strayed. Well done.

I am a friend

You expected her to change....

So would marrying her not give you the keys to the kingdom? Why hasn't anything happened after 6 years and living together?

newuser30

Yes that is the most obvious question why did you not marry her? The girl has to be commended on holding steadfast on her values thats for sure (bar once but i think we can forgive lol) You obviously wanted the sex without commitment, so maybe you should be thinking why you didn't want to commit to her, instead of it all being about the no sex which is kind of a given with her? I mean you say you love her.
When she stated she didnt believe in sex before marraige why didnt you have a frank discussion, something like yea i want to marry you, but of course it would have to involve a normal sex life? And then gauge her answer. No its not romantic but its an important conversation to have. I dont know if its too late only you know whether you can start proper communication. I think after 6 years is it not worth that?

andreakobe44

I wouldn't marry anyone unless I was pretty sure that it would work. If sex or even handjobs or any passion is so seldom I'd assume with marriage it would get even worse. I love her as in care about her, but I don't think I'm in love with her. I don't really get excited to see her and when she's gone I kind of enjoy it and look forward to when she's gone so I can have my space.

Taltos

andreakobe44 wrote: »

I don't really get excited to see her and when she's gone I kind of enjoy it and look forward to when she's gone so I can have my space.

OP - I think you have answered your own question right here.
Sounds like this relationship has just become a habit - and not a good one. If this is really how you feel then it might be best for all for you to do what you know you need to...

I am a friend

andreakobe44 wrote: »

I wouldn't marry anyone unless I was pretty sure that it would work.

But sure she told you at the start that she wouldnt have sex before marriage... TBH, you are at fault here not her. You chose not to listen to her and have taken 6 years to come up with the above statement. She wont have sex before marriage adn you wont marry someone unless you know it will work - a word to the wise - people who marry cos they think it will work also break up.

you shouldnt have wasted her time if you knew you would not marry her due to the sex issue

andreakobe44

I am a friend wrote: »

andreakobe44 wrote: »

I wouldn't marry anyone unless I was pretty sure that it would work.

But sure she told you at the start that she wouldnt have sex before marriage... TBH, you are at fault here not her. You chose not to listen to her and have taken 6 years to come up with the above statement. She wont have sex before marriage adn you wont marry someone unless you know it will work - a word to the wise - people who marry cos they think it will work also break up.

you shouldnt have wasted her time if you knew you would not marry her due to the sex issue

My point was that I would wait longer than most to get married. I wouldn't ever marry someone I dated for less than 3 years. It was my fault assuming she would change. She did say it would just take the right setting and apparently one time that was right. Even the slightest sexual thing like a handjob which she didn't mind should be more than once every two weeks.

I am a friend

andreakobe44 wrote: »

My point was that I would wait longer than most to get married. I wouldn't ever marry someone I dated for less than 3 years. It was my fault assuming she would change. She did say it would just take the right setting and apparently one time that was right. Even the slightest sexual thing like a handjob which she didn't mind should be more than once every two weeks.

You have waited longer than most to get married or not as the case may be....

You knew what you were getting 5 years ago so why stay?

andreakobe44

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

You sound like I did, right before I finished a 5 year relationship. It was like yours, more like living with a cousin/roomate than a lover. Didn't miss him when he wasn't there, that's actually when it dawned on me that I didn't love him anymore. I was waiting for him at the airport and when he came through the gates I felt nothing. Eventually I broke up with him, met the love of my life 2 months later and it couldn't be more different.

I miss him if I don't see him every day, and he's waiting for me at the front door for a hug when I get home from work every day. We get each other little presents all the time, just little things like a cadbury's creme egg if we go to the shop. I love doing all his laundry and handing it back to him all clean and he loves making me delicious dinners and the sex? well not to brag but it's regular and deeply satisfying:D. Honestly OP, I really would kill for him and can't imagine my life without him. That's how true love is OP and you're missing out on it

So yeah just finish it with her and promise yourself you'll never put up with a pseudo-relationship again. If you're like me and you certainly sound like it, you'll cry for a day from the shock of it and then you'll live like you've never lived before.

You're going to be grand,
Best of luck.

I know it's been a while. I've been just trying to figure out how to do this. How was the break up because you lived together? End of lease thing so you just both went your seperate ways? Or did you bring it up and just end up leaving in the middle of the lease? I'm just not sure how to do this. I don't really have the cash to pay for two rents at the same time. My lease is over end of july. I'm thinking I could just move far away, but it seems strange to move far away just to get away from someone. I'll be fine, I just worry about her. I'll probably be sad not to see her everyday because I'm so used to it. But I kind of look forward to when she's gone and don't get excited when she comes back.

_dublinlad_

Relationship is dead. Break up. You are just friends at this stage anyway.