Really need peoples opinions

LegacyUser

Ok, where to start. Wife goes out last week as one of her collegues is leaving the job. I have no problem with her going out at all, but she starts by saying she didnt want to go out and that she's gonna go out for an hour to show her face. It turns out that there isnt a great turn out on the day of the party so she decides to go out till "maybe 12". there was a girl going to who lives right besides us and the taxi fare would be 20quid+ so it would make sence to come home with her. So i drop her down to the pub and around 3 hours later i start getting a few texts with spelling mistakes, now i cant understand this as when ever im there she sips away and by the end of the night she is still cohereant. I go to sleep at around 1 and she still isnt home- i dont think much of this, i go to sleep and at 5 i wake up and there is a text on my phone saying there was only 4 of them out, a couple and the guy leaving are the last standing. I wake completely then up as she isnt home and i get a bit of a fright- with that the key goes into the door, she's home. She falls in the door locked, i ask where she has been, she laughs at me saying "i need to get a life". i sleep in the spare room. Next day i ask her what her game is, we have 2 kids and they are witnessing her puking in the toilet all morning. She then lies on the sofa all day. When i ask her what happened she said the four of them went back to the fellas house, and she fell asleep. Now i dont think anything happened but i still think she was wrong to put herself in that position. The girl who lives besides us got a taxi home at 1, it would of made sence to come home with her. any way she is fighting with me now saying i've no control over her. honestly, i'm at a loss. I'd never put myself in a position where it was me and another woman. I feel like screaming but i've kept calm.

Lorna123

stayingcal, wrote: »

Ok, where to start. Wife goes out last week as one of her collegues is leaving the job. I have no problem with her going out at all, but she starts by saying she didnt want to go out and that she's gonna go out for an hour to show her face. It turns out that there isnt a great turn out on the day of the party so she decides to go out till "maybe 12". there was a girl going to who lives right besides us and the taxi fare would be 20quid+ so it would make sence to come home with her. So i drop her down to the pub and around 3 hours later i start getting a few texts with spelling mistakes, now i cant understand this as when ever im there she sips away and by the end of the night she is still cohereant. I go to sleep at around 1 and she still isnt home- i dont think much of this, i go to sleep and at 5 i wake up and there is a text on my phone saying there was only 4 of them out, a couple and the guy leaving are the last standing. I wake completely then up as she isnt home and i get a bit of a fright- with that the key goes into the door, she's home. She falls in the door locked, i ask where she has been, she laughs at me saying "i need to get a life". i sleep in the spare room. Next day i ask her what her game is, we have 2 kids and they are witnessing her puking in the toilet all morning. She then lies on the sofa all day. When i ask her what happened she said the four of them went back to the fellas house, and she fell asleep. Now i dont think anything happened but i still think she was wrong to put herself in that position. The girl who lives besides us got a taxi home at 1, it would of made sence to come home with her. any way she is fighting with me now saying i've no control over her. honestly, i'm at a loss. I'd never put myself in a position where it was me and another woman. I feel like screaming but i've kept calm.

Gosh, I don't really know what to say as I don't know your wife, but coming in at 5.00 a.m. drunk is really a bit much when you have 2 children and you have the opportunity to be home at 1. I would be mad too if I were you. She doesn't seem to even be apologetic about it and that's the worrying part. It certainly doesn't sound good going to this guy's house with another couple, and she had the gaul to tell you that. I hope that someone comes up with some good advice for you because I suppose I would be like you and I would not know where to turn in this situation. Maybe if this is a once off you can forget about it but I certainly would not like if she did this again.

Meller

She probably realises it was a bit much and is a bit embarrassed about it herself. To be fair to her, she did constantly text you throughout the night and tell you the details of where she'd been - I can understand why she feels as if you're trying to control her if you're constantly pushing for more than that.

She had a bit too much to drink, yeah, but I can't blame her for not liking it when you try to 'tell her off' about it. She's not a child and knows that it's not good that her kids saw her puking up all morning; she doesn't need you to point that out.

For now, it was a one-off. If it becomes a more regular thing, that's a problem. I think it would be a bit of an overreaction for you to keep bringing it up.

ElleEm

OP, does your wife go out much?
Is this a recurring issue or a once off?

Everyone is entitled to a blow out once in a while. She went out with friends, got drunk, didn't fancy going home at 1am with your neighbour, she kept in contact with you, she told you where she was, and she returned home.

I understand that you have children but if this is a once off, then I think you should just get over it.

I honestly don't see what your problem is.

pigman2000

ElleEm wrote: »

I honestly don't see what your problem is.

falling asleep in a gaff with a bloke - who apparently on his leaving doo...
also the classic revealing 'i need to get a life' when she comes in - as in, great night, i'm f*cken back here now ffs 'i need to get a life'

you really have to lay off her though - get on her side and later see as how happy she is. 'happy' being the keyword. such a basic thing in life it is but i would say the majority of people are not happy. you have to ascertain this OP - yous both have to be REALLY REALLY honest with each other - and especially OP, you have to be really open and accepting, no more berating and looking down your nose - or she won't open up... hopefully it was a once off, hopefully all she did was fall asleep (... but then wake up and get a taxi home...)

Janedoe10

If this is a one off then please don't give her the hard time about it .. She did txt u during the night u already pointed out that some of these texts were in coherent so that shows the was getting merrier. It seems feasible that she could fall asleepwhen she went back to the house ..
Have u had a lads night out and u forgot to text her or were out longer than planned ...

It might come across better from u if u say u were only cross because u were worried ..

ElleEm

pigman2000 wrote: »

falling asleep in a gaff with a bloke - who apparently on his leaving doo...
also the classic revealing 'i need to get a life' when she comes in - as in, great night, i'm f*cken back here now ffs 'i need to get a life'

you really have to lay off her though - get on her side and later see as how happy she is. 'happy' being the keyword. such a basic thing in life it is but i would say the majority of people are not happy. you have to ascertain this OP - yous both have to be REALLY REALLY honest with each other - and especially OP, you have to be really open and accepting, no more berating and looking down your nose - or she won't open up... hopefully it was a once off, hopefully all she did was fall asleep (... but then wake up and get a taxi home...)

There was no "apparently" about it according to the OP, I don't know why you threw it in there. And she was drunk and fell asleep. Again, what is the problem? He was a work mate, not some stranger!

Due to the way the OP is phrased, it is unclear to me whether she said SHE needs to get a life, or HE needs to get a life.

pigman2000

ElleEm wrote: »

There was no "apparently" about it according to the OP, I don't know why you threw it in there. And she was drunk and fell asleep. Again, what is the problem? He was a work mate, not some stranger!

Due to the way the OP is phrased, it is unclear to me whether she said SHE needs to get a life, or HE needs to get a life.

sorry yeah - was too lazy to verify was it a leaving doo from the original post.

also i think it's worse if she said he needed to get a life then... she should have got all that out of her when she was single and younger

Mighty_Mouse

She's a grown woman.
Free to come & go & get occasionally hammered if she so pleases.

CarMe

Op, i live with my partner and we have a baby.
I rarely do nights out etc but on Friday after work a few of the girls were persuading me to go over to the pub for someone's leaving doo. I rang my boyfriend and he told me to go and have fun. He asked his friend around and they watched the box for the night. I had originally said i was going for one or two drinks but was having such a great night. I always kept in touch with a text etc and he encouraged me to enjoy myself and have a good night.
I arrived home at half three and he made me something to eat and asked about my night.
I think you should apologise to your wife and come to an agreement that you both get to have nights out once in a while.
Obviously if this is a frequent thing then that's a different story altogether but if not then you need to get over it and chill out a bit.

Oh and also, one of the other girls we were out with has a child and a husband and a girl i bumped into later on has a child and a boyfriend.

pigman2000

are we just posting our nights out now?

did you fall asleep in someone's gaff?

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that other posters are entitled to offer advice - even if you don't agree with it.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

CarMe

pigman2000 wrote: »

are we just posting our nights out now?

did you fall asleep in someone's gaff?

No it's quite obvious that Im posting it to give the OP an insight into other couples lives and how they deal with the other having a social life.
I didn't fall asleep in someone's house but if we'd gone to someone's house rather than a second pub then i could well have fallen asleep and come home when i woke up, just as OPs wife did.

pigman2000

CarMe wrote: »

No it's quite obvious that Im posting it to give the OP an insight into other couples lives and how they deal with the other having a social life.
I didn't fall asleep in someone's house but if we'd gone to someone's house rather than a second pub then i could well have fallen asleep and come home when i woke up, just as OPs wife did.

i don't think you understood the trend of my observations here.

but i apologise for my crudeness nonetheless

Chinafoot

stayingcal, wrote: »

Ok, where to start. Wife goes out last week as one of her collegues is leaving the job. I have no problem with her going out at all, but she starts by saying she didnt want to go out and that she's gonna go out for an hour to show her face. It turns out that there isnt a great turn out on the day of the party so she decides to go out till "maybe 12". there was a girl going to who lives right besides us and the taxi fare would be 20quid+ so it would make sence to come home with her. So i drop her down to the pub and around 3 hours later i start getting a few texts with spelling mistakes, now i cant understand this as when ever im there she sips away and by the end of the night she is still cohereant.

Couple of things here OP...first of all, there have been many nights where I have not felt up to going out or only wanted to go for an hour or so but things end up being great craic, I perk up and I want to stay out. It happens.

Secondly, she got drunk, so what? Is your problem that she got drunk or that she got drunk with other people but doesn't with you? My boyfriend tends to drink moderately when we go out together but when he goes out with his workmates without me he usually gets really drunk. I have no problem with this. He is in a different environment with them and tends to go a bit mad. Once he's enjoying himself and not doing anything stupid (which I know he isn't) then its all good with me.

stayingcal, wrote: »

I go to sleep at around 1 and she still isnt home- i dont think much of this, i go to sleep and at 5 i wake up and there is a text on my phone saying there was only 4 of them out, a couple and the guy leaving are the last standing. I wake completely then up as she isnt home and i get a bit of a fright- with that the key goes into the door, she's home. She falls in the door locked, i ask where she has been, she laughs at me saying "i need to get a life". i sleep in the spare room.

Well how exactly did you ask where she's been? Judging from this post it sounds like you were rather accusatory. Considering she was "locked" having a go at her seems pretty pointless. Sleeping in the spare room sounds like a complete overreaction on your part tbh.

stayingcal, wrote: »

Next day i ask her what her game is, we have 2 kids and they are witnessing her puking in the toilet all morning. She then lies on the sofa all day. When i ask her what happened she said the four of them went back to the fellas house, and she fell asleep. Now i dont think anything happened but i still think she was wrong to put herself in that position.

First of all, were her kids standing watching her puking in the toilet all morning? I doubt it very much, and if they were what exactly were you doing?

As for her being wrong to put herself in that position - again, complete overreaction. She wasn't alone with her workmate (please note, workmate, not complete stranger she met in a pub) there were others there. She had kept you informed the whole night. If it was a female workmate would you be reacting like this? Is your problem that she got drunk or that she went back to her friends house?

stayingcal, wrote: »

The girl who lives besides us got a taxi home at 1, it would of made sence to come home with her.

So what!! She wanted to stay out, why is that such a problem for you? The fact that your neighbour was coming home doesn't mean your wife has to come with her.

stayingcal, wrote: »

any way she is fighting with me now saying i've no control over her.

If my partner reacted as you are to me going out with my work friends and drinking a bit too much then I would probably be pretty pissed off too. You sound like you had a go at her over this and seem to be going on as if she has committed some cardinal bloody sin here. From what you have posted here you do sound as though you are quite controlling.

stayingcal, wrote: »

honestly, i'm at a loss. I'd never put myself in a position where it was me and another woman.

There were other people there and it was someone she is friends with. You are acting as though she picked up some random bloke. Have you no female friends? Never been to a houseparty in a woman's house where you fell asleep?

stayingcal, wrote: »

I feel like screaming but i've kept calm.

Why on earth do you feel like screaming? You're giving her shít unnecessarily! From what you have said you have completely overreacted and you made the situation far worse than it ever needed to be by questioning her as soon as she came in the door, sleeping in the spare room in a sulk after she unsurprisingly told you to get a life, then you gave ask her what her "game is" the nect day when she has a hangover. You don't believe that she has cheated on you or done anything other than get drunk, go back to a friend's and fall asleep so what exactly is your problem??

gee OP i dont know, i actually feel like telling you to get a life myself!!

im going to assume that this isnt a regular occurance and that is why you got so pissed off with the whole affair!
listen, your wife went out, had a bit too much to drink ( happens to a LOT of people!) was having the craic and stayed out longer than she intended.
i dont know how many times i have gone to a work 'do' because i felt like i had to, ended up having far more craic than i thought i would and the night went on longer than expected! big deal.
in fact, she informed you the whole night long what she was doing so i reckon you're luckier than most!

if your problem is that she was in some other blokes home, well, she wasnt alone, you dont believe anything happened between them, so where's the problem?

everyone needs to cut loose now and again!! if you dont, then maybe you should!

ihsb

I can see both sides of this OP, at least I suppose you can thank her for keeping in contact with you through the night.

Personally I think that if it bothered you this much, don't ignore it. It could cause problems later. So with this in mind, talk to your wife and ask her if the shoe was on the other foot and you came back drunk from a womans leaving do where you ended up back at her house with another couple, how would she feel?

This usually gets her to see it from your point of view. I doubt she would be too happy about it.

As regards the get a life comments, maybe the two of you need to start having date nights, get baby sitters for the children and start enjoying going out as a couple again? Now obviously I don't know that you don't do this but it is a suggestion.

I am a friend

It's easy to feel like life is passing you by when married with two kids. All you have done now is reinforce the fact that home is kind of a trap and that it's good fun to be out. She is an adult and you should not be treating her like a teenager who sneaked out. Just because she is a wife and mother doesn't mean she has a curfew?!?!?

Give her some air for god sake..

thebiggestjim

I think what the OP is really concerned about here is the fact she passed out drunk in some other guys house, not that she came home late. I would be annoyed about this. That is the exact situation where stupid/bad things happen. This guy could easily have taken advantage of your wife when she was so drunk, or your wife have done something she did not mean to. I’m not saying anything like this happened but its extremely bad judgment for her to put herself in that position and I would not be happy about it.

Big Bag of Chips

thebiggestjim wrote: »

This guy could easily have taken advantage of your wife when she was so drunk, or your wife have done something she did not mean to.

"This guy" was her work colleague... a friend.. why assume he'd "easily" take advantage of her? Rather than thinking bad, it does no harm to think good sometimes. She was out with friends. They took care of her, made sure she was ok, and didn't leave her standing at a taxi rank at 2am on her own.

She's an adult.. mother of 2 or 10 shouldn't matter. While she was hungover the next day you were available to care for the children so its not like she abandoned or neglected them.

I'm not a huge drinker.. occasionally I go out, even more occasionally I get drunk enough to be "delicate" the next day. I would be rightly pissed off with my husband if he got pissed off with me over this.

To be honest.. if he DID get that annoyed with me, I'd know it would only be because he was left to mind the kids without much help from me, for ONE day..... Is that the same for you OP?

curlzy

thebiggestjim wrote: »

I think what the OP is really concerned about here is the fact she passed out drunk in some other guys house, not that she came home late. I would be annoyed about this. That is the exact situation where stupid/bad things happen. This guy could easily have taken advantage of your wife when she was so drunk, or your wife have done something she did not mean to. I’m not saying anything like this happened but its extremely bad judgment for her to put herself in that position and I would not be happy about it.

This is extremely dangerous thinking, it leads to > don't go out without me > don't have male friends > don't drink when I'm not there, etc etc etc. Very very controlling. At the end of the day anything can be called bad judgement, like horse riding, that's dangerous, should women in relationships not do that either? :rolleyes:

Don't go out that road OP.

ElleEm

thebiggestjim wrote: »

I think what the OP is really concerned about here is the fact she passed out drunk in some other guys house,

This is ridiculous. She fell asleep, she didn't "pass out".

thebiggestjim wrote: »

This guy could easily have taken advantage of your wife when she was so drunk, or your wife have done something she did not mean to.

He was a work colleague, not a stranger, and just cos he's a man and she's a woman does not mean that he would take advantage of her cos she was drunk. If I was a man, I would be offended by that comment. As a woman, who sometimes gets drunk, I am shocked that you think a drunk woman can "do something she did not mean to".

curlzy wrote: »

This is extremely dangerous thinking, it leads to > don't go out without me > don't have male friends > don't drink when I'm not there, etc etc etc. Very very controlling. At the end of the day anything can be called bad judgement, like horse riding, that's dangerous, should women in relationships not do that either? :rolleyes:

Don't go out that road OP.

Agreed!

Lorna123

stayingcal, wrote: »

Ok, where to start. Wife goes out last week as one of her collegues is leaving the job. I have no problem with her going out at all, but she starts by saying she didnt want to go out and that she's gonna go out for an hour to show her face. It turns out that there isnt a great turn out on the day of the party so she decides to go out till "maybe 12". there was a girl going to who lives right besides us and the taxi fare would be 20quid+ so it would make sence to come home with her. So i drop her down to the pub and around 3 hours later i start getting a few texts with spelling mistakes, now i cant understand this as when ever im there she sips away and by the end of the night she is still cohereant. I go to sleep at around 1 and she still isnt home- i dont think much of this, i go to sleep and at 5 i wake up and there is a text on my phone saying there was only 4 of them out, a couple and the guy leaving are the last standing. I wake completely then up as she isnt home and i get a bit of a fright- with that the key goes into the door, she's home. She falls in the door locked, i ask where she has been, she laughs at me saying "i need to get a life". i sleep in the spare room. Next day i ask her what her game is, we have 2 kids and they are witnessing her puking in the toilet all morning. She then lies on the sofa all day. When i ask her what happened she said the four of them went back to the fellas house, and she fell asleep. Now i dont think anything happened but i still think she was wrong to put herself in that position. The girl who lives besides us got a taxi home at 1, it would of made sence to come home with her. any way she is fighting with me now saying i've no control over her. honestly, i'm at a loss. I'd never put myself in a position where it was me and another woman. I feel like screaming but i've kept calm.

I don't think it is attractive or sensible for either a man or a woman to get so drunk that they fall asleep. Of course it is dangerous in any company and very irresponsible. Just because she works with this man doesn't mean that he is honourable. Remember drink is the root of all evil. I can perfectly understand where you are coming from OP. You have good standards and there is nothing wrong with that. I am sure that talking to your wife when she was sober about all of this has irioned things out. I would never apologise to her for reacting the way you did, I think you were quite right. I hope this never happens again.

ElleEm

Lorna123 wrote: »

Just because she works with this man doesn't mean that he is honourable.

If she liked him enough to go to his leaving do I would trust her character that she thinks he is decent.

Lorna123 wrote: »

Remember drink is the root of all evil.

Really????

Lorna123 wrote: »

You have good standards and there is nothing wrong with that.

Where do standards come into it?

cynder

If it's a one off, or once a month sort of thing I would leave it go.

Everyone needs to let their hair down now and then, not every night and if married with kids not even once a week. Personally my kids have never seen me drunk and never will, they also have never seen my husband drunk. The last time I was drunk was nearly 4 years ago on my hen night, I made plans to stay at a friends house. My husband stays at his mates house if he has too many, which only happens once every 2 month's or so. I grew up with an alcoholic father and when my husband moved in I told him not to come back drunk or let the kids see him drunk. he knows how I feel about drunkenness, and respects me and our kids.

You were at home to mind the kids so it's not too bad. My dad nearly burnt our house down after falling asleep drunk with the chip pan on, I would never trust a drunk person to take care of children or a severely hung over one .If you were to be at work and the wife was left home alone I think you would gave to have called in sick, but since you were at home its not serious.

She fell asleep at her male friends house, tbh that's normal when you have had one too many. My husband would be ok with me falling asleep at a male's house if he was close friends with the male but I don't think he would be too happy if he didn't know the guy, but I wouldn't put myself in that position. I prefer my husband to sleep at his mates house instead of coming home drunk, sometimes there will be 6 or seven of them sleeping all over the house. 3 in a bed 2 on a couch sort of thing, but they only ever sleep.


So from my experience I would say if it's not a regular occurrence let it go.

cynder

[QUOTE=ElleEm;77318001


Where do standards come into it?[/QUOTE]
Not having the kids see the parent hungover and drunk, being too incapacitated to look after your kids. Not sleeping over at a single males house when your married. Getting do drunk you fall asleep at a single males house when you are married. Being to drunk to protect yourself from unwanted sexual contact. The list could go on.


The fella has high standards, the wife not so much.

But then again if it's a one off its not too bad, if it was a regular occurrence it would be intolerable.

Chinafoot

grindelwald wrote: »

Not having the kids see the parent hungover and drunk, being too incapacitated to look after your kids.

Their father can look after them can he not?

grindelwald wrote: »

Not sleeping over at a single males house when your married.

Show me where there has been any mention of the male friend's relationship status? This bloke could be married for all we know ffs. Also she did not "sleep over". She fell asleep.

grindelwald wrote: »

Getting do drunk you fall asleep at a single males house when you are married.

Again, how do you know he was single? And it was 5am, it was late, she fell asleep. You're going on as if she blacked out from booze. You have absolutely no way to know that whatsoever.

grindelwald wrote: »

Being to drunk to protect yourself from unwanted sexual contact.

Again, you have no idea if she was so drunk that she would be unable to protect herself from unwanted sexual contact. Also, you and others seem to be conveniently ignoring the fact that this woman was not alone in this man's house. There was another couple there. These are people she knows and works with and likes enough to spend the evening with.

grindelwald wrote: »

The list could go on.

You're right, the list could go on when you're making totally baseless assumptions about the entire situation.

grindelwald wrote: »

The fella has high standards, the wife not so much.

Sorry but that is complete bull.

grindelwald wrote: »

But then again if it's a one off its not too bad, if it was a regular occurrence it would be intolerable.

And again the OP has not indicated in anyway that this is a regular occurance. If anything it seems to be a once-off given his shock and inability to understand her getting drunk instead of "sipping" her drinks like she does when she is out with him. She is allowed to let her hair down and his reaction to it reeks of controlling behaviour.

I actually find the responses about her male friends extremely insulting. Do you assume all men will take advantage of their female friends because they have a few drinks on board? Will they attack their friend even though there are 2 other people present? Ridiculous.

MsAllybear

If a fella done this, nothing would be said! i've seen it happen, cos the woman is mammy it's huge deal! why?!
Unless she's out doing this every week, you've nothing to worry about!
she kept in touch, text u ! if your out with her and she's usually coherent she prob is and was this night except texting is different matter.
If you didnt hear from her at ALL all night then thats just disrespectful cos its making u worry. apart from that. i dont see problem.

cynder

Chinafoot wrote: »

Their father can look after them can he not?



Show me where there has been any mention of the male friend's relationship status? This bloke could be married for all we know ffs. Also she did not "sleep over". She fell asleep.



Again, how do you know he was single? And it was 5am, it was late, she fell asleep. You're going on as if she blacked out from booze. You have absolutely no way to know that whatsoever.



Again, you have no idea if she was so drunk that she would be unable to protect herself from unwanted sexual contact. Also, you and others seem to be conveniently ignoring the fact that this woman was not alone in this man's house. There was another couple there. These are people she knows and works with and likes enough to spend the evening with.



You're right, the list could go on when you're making totally baseless assumptions about the entire situation.



Sorry but that is complete bull.



And again the OP has not indicated in anyway that this is a regular occurance. If anything it seems to be a once-off given his shock and inability to understand her getting drunk instead of "sipping" her drinks like she does when she is out with him. She is allowed to let her hair down and his reaction to it reeks of controlling behaviour.

I actually find the responses about her male friends extremely insulting. Do you assume all men will take advantage of their female friends because they have a few drinks on board? Will they attack their friend even though there are 2 other people present? Ridiculous.

We're you there? No..... She was asleep at the guys house, whether she fell asleep because she was tired or fell asleep from too much drink or fell unconscious because off too much drink, none of us know, but she was asleep at another mans house. I never said she blacked out, while I was writing it I recalled an incident that was posted on you tube of an intoxicated woman being raped, she was too drunk and didn't have a clue it happened until a friend of hers told her about the video on you tube a few days later. She didnt have a clue her friend had sex with her, To put yourself in that position is stupid, especially if your married.


Also the man said she was locked at 5am, so yeh she was drunk. He even reckoned she was drunk much earlier in the night and had a nasty hangover to prove it and was bed ridden for the day. ( not a good example for the kids)


I said if it was a one off he should let it go, but IF was a regular occurrence it would be intolerable.

I don't see him comment across as controlling. People do stupid stuff when they are drunk... It would seem its out of character so probably doesn't happen often, hence my comment to let it go.


But if it was happening week in week out, in my house there would be trouble... But that's my house.... Others might like living with drunks.....

thebiggestjim

curlzy wrote: »

This is extremely dangerous thinking, it leads to > don't go out without me > don't have male friends > don't drink when I'm not there, etc etc etc. Very very controlling. At the end of the day anything can be called bad judgement, like horse riding, that's dangerous, should women in relationships not do that either? :rolleyes:

Don't go out that road OP.

Nobody said anything about "don’t go out without me" or "don't have male friends". What I am saying is don't be in a position where you are not in control. I believe that is what the OP is getting at here and it is the point I am trying to make. It doesn't sound like the OPs wife was in control. He said she was very drunk. The combination of been really drunk and been back at a work acquaintances house is a recipe for disaster. Its a poor judgment call and I would be really annoyed about it.

Chinafoot

grindelwald wrote: »

We're you there?

Were you? You're the one coming up with baseless assumptions here, the rest of us are working off what the OP himself posted.

She had a few drinks and went back to her friends. She was able to get herself home, get the key in the door and get inside. Yeah, she was clearly so completely plastered that she was in a position to get raped by her friend while the other couple that were there (I note you continue to ignore this aspect) sit by and do nothing. Lesson learned ladies, don't go back to your male friend's (another aspect being ignored) house after the pub closes for another drink because you'll clearly get yourself assaulted. But its ok if you're single... Ridiculous nonsense.

grindelwald wrote: »

Others might like living with drunks.....

:rolleyes:

cynder

Chinafoot wrote: »

Were you? You're the one coming up with baseless assumptions here, the rest of us are working off what the OP himself posted.

She had a few drinks and went back to her friends. She was able to get herself home, get the key in the door and get inside. Yeah, she was clearly so completely plastered that she was in a position to get raped by her friend while the other couple that were there (I note you continue to ignore this aspect) sit by and do nothing. Lesson learned ladies, don't go back to your male friend's (another aspect being ignored) house after the pub closes for another drink because you'll clearly get yourself assaulted. But its ok if you're single... Ridiculous nonsense.



:rolleyes:

Since you so interested with the other couple? what were they doing? were they drunk? how long did they stay? You dont know well neither do I.... things can happen, even with others in the same house be they in the same room asleep or a different room wide awake. So the theory goes that your more likly to be raped by someone you know. But in no way am i saying she was im saying this:

When your married you should act appropriately and have respect for your husband/wife, that also means not compromising yourself buy becoming legless and falling asleep at the home of someone of the opposite sex. Its inappropriate and disrespectful to your spouse.

This is my own view, which i am entitled too.

Maple

Folks, everyone needs to take a few deep breaths and back away from the computer screen. This is not the appropriate forum for debates.

Going forward keep the advice constructive and directed towards the OP.

Maple

poozers

OP, i can understand you being upset! you initially expected your wife to go out and come home early not drunk and her having a nice quiet night out!

but at the end of the day, you must know yourself what it can be like on a night out? you say "ill just have the one", you end up having another, and another, and its turning out to be a great night.
As everyone else says, if this was a frequent thing, then its a problem! i dont know how old your kids are, but my parents very rarely drank, but when i was about 13 my dad got hammered on holidays and fell asleep on the caravan couch. and honestly, we thought it was funny! and still slag him about it today!
im not a parent either, but my friends who are parents love getting their night out! it may usually be a bit more planned than your wifes, but still, they experience hangovers in front of their kids too! as long as it isnt a problem where its actually affecting you and the kids!!!!
as for her saying you need to get a life, was she just after coming in the door?? she probably knew on the way home you might be a bit peeved and would be cross with her so she was probably just on the defensive, and thats what came out!
i really wouldnt take this to heart OP, parents need to blow off steam just as much as people who arent married or have kids!

Abi

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

She's a grown woman.
Free to come & go & get occasionally hammered if she so pleases.

I don't agree at all. If she wanted to 'come and go as she pleases' and 'get hammered' - you get that out of your system prior to having children.


With that said, I don't get the impression that this doesn't happen regularly. I'd say once she got there she started enjoying herself, so her mood changed and she stayed on. If memory serves the OP said she went out on a Friday night, and if thats the case, she probably went out with a days work under her belt too, I'd imagine the tiredness took over in the end. She should be making time for herself and her friends however, and I hope you are too OP. I don't think shes used to going out with friends much.

OP, don't give her a hard time about it. I think she is embaressed about it, and proper hungover too - she was in no form for listening to reason. Remain calm as you have, but talk to her once shes had some food in her, slept, and the hangover is gone. Don't finger point or give out to her, tell her you were really worried about her, and you were afraid of her being drunk and falling asleep, and assuming you don't even know the address of where she slept? Tell her you love her, and come across as concerned, don't attack her. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Mighty_Mouse

If she wanted to 'come and go as she pleases' and 'get hammered' - you get that out of your system prior to having children.

My assumption is this is not a regular occurrence, so with that in mind wtf!!
Are you saying that once marriage & kids come along life loses all spontaneity?
That your wife can't make the decision to not come home some evening because an opportunity to party presents itself!! Not being married, I gotta ask, is it essential that life becomes so predictable & boring?
Screw that, I say.
If the OP's wife went had had some unplanned fun, how bad?

Abi

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

My assumption is this is not a regular occurrence, so with that in mind wtf!!
Are you saying that once marriage & kids come along life loses all spontaneity?

It has to be more organized than that, for so many reasons. Parents have a lot of responsibilities, often both are in jobs, you need to organize both time together and free time for both to see friends.

It's called being responsible.

That your wife can't make the decision to not come home some evening because an opportunity to party presents itself!!

No, not a regular thing. I'd expect a partner to drink responsibly and remember where they live. I've made an exception for tiredness. I personally wouldn't want to make a habit of crashing out on a sofa if I'd two children at home.

Not being married, I gotta ask, is it essential that life becomes so predictable & boring?
Screw that, I say.

Yeah, I think it's for the best.

If the OP's wife went had had some unplanned fun, how bad?

It isn't. So long as it doesn't become a regular thing. She made a commitment to her husband and she has children. Something I recommend you don't try out.

Meller

Abi wrote: »

It has to be more organized than that, for so many reasons. Parents have a lot of responsibilities, often both are in jobs, you need to organize both time together and free time for both to see friends.

It's called being responsible.

The OP was around to look after the kids, and knew that his wife was going out that night. I don't see how that's irresponsible.

I think people are being overly idealistic about this. It's not ideal to give your kid McDonalds for dinner, but doing it once in a while is hardly a big deal. If it was every night, it'd be a big problem.

You don't become some sort of selfless, infallible robot the moment you get married and have kids. Life sometimes gets in the way and not everything happens as perfectly as we'd like it too. It doesn't mean you're irresponsible or deserve harsh criticism.

Mighty_Mouse

I think we both agree that if this isn't a regular occurance then it's "ok".
<<your version of ok & mine may differ>>

It has to be more organized than that, for so many reasons. Parents have a lot of responsibilities, often both are in jobs, you need to organize both time together and free time for both to see friends.

It's called being responsible.

IMO it's called unreasonable expectation of oneself. Life should never lose all spontaneity. The husband was there to pick up the slack.

She made a commitment to her husband and she has children. Something I recommend you don't try out.

You're comfortable making a judgement call on my future ability as a parent?
The alcholol thing aside maybe kids, should learn that its ok to occasionally blow off responsibility. It's called living.

Abi

Meller wrote: »

The OP was around to look after the kids, and knew that his wife was going out that night. I don't see how that's irresponsible.

You get to have your night off. You don't spend the entire day following it with your head down a toilet bowl and hanging on the sofa while your two children watch you in that state.

Not much of an example for them, is it? She was foul humoured with the the OP over it, you can't tell children to be quiet or not be themselves because their mother is hungover, can you? It cuts both ways though, the mother or the father.

I think people are being overly idealistic about this. It's not ideal to give your kid McDonalds for dinner, but doing it once in a while is hardly a big deal. If it was every night, it'd be a big problem.

How the hell can you compare an occasional McDonalds with a parent hanging like fcuk and arguing with her partner in the same text. It's bizarre to me

You don't become some sort of selfless, infallible robot the moment you get married and have kids. Life sometimes gets in the way and not everything happens as perfectly as we'd like it too. It doesn't mean you're irresponsible or deserve harsh criticism.

Yet again, I've made an exception for this, you don't become a robot. But you have to remember that you also bear the responsibility of the home and family, and balance out your free time with your partner, and make sure your children don't see you in a shite state.

I'd have been worried like the OP, as it's not her normal behaviour, and I suspect he doesn't know where she was staying, which would worry me also. If she isn't normally out till 5am and she'd been out for a bit, well I'd have been on the phone to her prior to this to make sure she was okay. He said her texts were not coherent.

Maybe that wouldn't worry you, but I'd wonder if she was okay.

Abi

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

You're comfortable making a judgement call on my future ability as a parent?
The alcholol thing aside maybe kids, should learn that its ok to occasionally blow off responsibility. It's called living.

It's only responsible so long as crashing out locked doesn't become a regular thing, otherwise, no. It's not being responsible.


Drinking till stupid o'clock and not making it to bed regularly? No. If you drank yourself into a state and passed out on the sofa regularly without family commitments, I'd question your attitude towards alcohol, let alone with a young family watching over you.

I am a friend

Abi wrote: »

If she wanted to 'come and go as she pleases' and 'get hammered' - you get that out of your system prior to having children.

Rubbish!! Kids dont come with a ball and chain. The father was there to mind the kids so they were well looked after. How are they to know she has a hangover - she could have a tummy bug ffs

Maple

Lads, stop the arguing amongst yourselves. Last warning to keep things civil.

Maple

ash23

Jeeze, I'm the mother of one and have often (yes OFTEN) gone out and gotten very drunk. I've rolled in about 5 or 6am on occasion. And sometimes the next day I've been hungover and grumpy and not much company.

My daughter has seen me drinking and knows when I'm hungover.
It all sounds terribly Vikki Pollard but really, I'm just a normal young woman who loves her kids but also loves her social life. I used to stay in all the time thinking that people would look down on me if I went out (I was a young mother) and I didn't want to be judged for being a young mum who went out and drank.
I was a total bore if I'm honest. No social life, few friends. Miserable.

Now I've a broad social circle, go out every other weekend, drink, dance and have a great time. And that for me, makes playing sensible grown up mammy more tolerable during the week.
And most of my friends and family are the same. Good mothers and fathers who also like to go out and have a bit of craic.

OP i think you should chill out to be honest. Being a mother doesn't mean you need to lose all sense of being irresponsible. Sometimes its nice to take off the mammy hat and act like a teenager again. Not every day but now and then, sure what harm.

Mighty_Mouse

you don't become a robot. But you have to remember that you also bear the responsibility of the home and family, and balance out your free time with your partner,

You're posts are slightly contradictory. The part where you say "occasionally acceptable" is almost tagged on to show how reasonable you are. IMO you don't believe it's ever justifiable.
Personally I don't think that occasionally having "unreasonable" fun is a bad thing. We only live once.
Re the OP's query. If she intermittently decides to party, let her get it out of her system. You will both be happier for it. And don't use her kids to guilt trip her.

Maple

Mightymouse infracted for ignoring two onthread moderator warnings.

Maple

Neyite

OP, in the time since your first child came along, are you saying that you have never, ever "met the lads for a few" then ended up staying out later than you intended, having more fun than you thought you would, been persuaded to head back to one of the lads houses for "one for the road" and been hungover the next day in front of the kids? Not even once?

If you have ever done any of the above, then you should not only let your wife off the hook, but should apologise to her for getting annoyed.

If both of you never accidently over-do it on the drink then you might have a case to be a bit miffed, but you are seriously blowing it all out of proportion in my opinion.

If my partner had a late one and the next day was sick and headachey I would consider the noise that two small children can make would be punishment enough for him. What I think is that you were annoyed that she had a big session while you were stuck at home with the kids, and feeling resentful or that you dont quite trust her around male friends and jealousy kicked in.

Lorna123

I would think that the OP was being normal when he expected his wife to arrive home at 1.00 a.m. with her friend who lives closeby. She had already had a good night by then. What was the purpose of prolonging it until 5.00 a.m. ? It is not like everyone was going back to the man's house and she didn't want to be the odd one out. She was with a couple and another man, of course the OP would be suspicious of that. Who wouldn't be? He is not saying that he begrudges his wife a night out, but that she took it too far !

Chinafoot

Abi wrote: »

He said her texts were not coherent.

Eh no, he said there were spelling mistakes in her messages. Lets not exaggerate things here.

Lorna123 wrote: »

I would think that the OP was being normal when he expected his wife to arrive home at 1.00 a.m. with her friend who lives closeby. She had already had a good night by then. What was the purpose of prolonging it until 5.00 a.m. ?

Because she wanted to, perhaps?

Lorna123 wrote: »

It is not like everyone was going back to the man's house and she didn't want to be the odd one out. She was with a couple and another man, of course the OP would be suspicious of that. Who wouldn't be?

Eh, what? Please don't try to speak for everyone, thanks all the same. I have gone back to my male friend's houses after the pub and my boyfriend has gone back to his female friend's houses after the pub. Neither of us would get jealous about it because we trust each other and we are aware that these people are friends. Platonic. Friends.

Lorna123 wrote: »

He is not saying that he begrudges his wife a night out, but that she took it too far !

I disagree that this is what his problem is but lets assume that in some alternate universe you're right. What does the OP hope to achieve by giving her crap over one night out? Its happened, she's done it. She got drunk, stayed out late and suffered the next day. She also kept him informed of where she was the whole night. Its obviously not something that happens regularly and it sounds as if he handled it completely incorrectly. There was no need to make such a big deal out of it and he should be apologising for his reaction.

squonk

After reading all of this thread I can only conclude that the OP needs to chill out a bit more. As was said, we all have nights out where we intend heading home at an early hour but end up having fun and wanting to keep going. OP, as I understand it, your wife went back to the guy's house with others so she wasn't alone with him. That's the way nights out go sometimes. Nothing happened her and she knew everybody well anyway. I don't really see the problem in this. it might have been questionable behaviour if she went back to the house with the guy by herself. Hell, even then, I've had female friends back to my place for a few after pub drinks and nothing happened because we're friends. Just because you've a lad and a lady doesn't mean at all that you've to end getting a bit jiggy if you're left alone together.

If your wife was sick with a vomiting bug for instance, then the kids would see her puking in the bathroom also, so what's the difference here? It was self inflicted yes, but she's not doing it on a regular basis by the sounds of it so leave her to it. Besides, you were there to look after the kids as it was a Saturday.

All in all it just sounds like a 'Wife In Great Night Out Shocker!' sort of headline. We're all entitled to go nuts every once in a while, especially when one has the responsibility of looking after kids. You can't be Mr or Mrs. Sensible 100% of the time! Cut her some slack OP. She'll only start to resent you if you don't.

aidan24326

Some people here seem to be implying that she was in some kind of danger because she fell asleep in a guy's house. So obviously all guys are sexual predators who will pounce on any opportunity to take advantage of a drunk woman :rolleyes:

She was in the house of a guy she knows, she was almost certainly in no danger.

OP, you over-reacted, that's it really. If she was doing this on a regular basis then you might have a problem. But a little blow-out once in a while is no harm. I'm sure she knows herself she went a bit overboard with the drink and won't appreciate you reminding her. So don't.