Good girl

LegacyUser

Hey.

I'm twenty, almost twenty one. In college.
I am a genuine, good looking, fun, smart girl. And I am completely invisible to the opposite sex!
I have great friends and family. But relationships with guys - FAIL.
Guys don't seem to give me a chance. My longest relationship was probably two months.
I constantly get the "You're a lovely girl but -" "You're a fantastic, great girl, but - "
Any guy I've gone out with, they are all over me the first three weeks.
Then I get the line.
I don't put out. In fact, I'm a virgin. I recall when I told my last two exes and I swear, one week later "You're a fantastic girl...... but -"
One guy couldn't stand that I wouldn't put out a month into the relationship (he cheated) and the other threw me to the side once his "friend" became suddenly single - we also went out for a month and a half. Didn't even get a chance. Both these guys ignore me now - when they were the wrong ones! And, you wouldn't mind, but I treated the both of them well and supported them etc. I was, a good girlfriend. I didn't treat them badly ( /rant)

I believe I have plenty to offer but guys don't see it. Last two exes up and left for other girls. And those exes seem to be in happy relationships now, but those girls are no better than I am?

Yet, I am alone?

I do go out clubbing occassionally with the girls but just for fun! Might kiss a guy but that's all .. Would just exit after cause I know, especially with college life, there's 'expectations' of something more.

But on a general basis - I don't recall a guy actually chasing me, noticing me, flirting with me - without my "little pushes"

The "leading" ladies (as I call them) that get chased around college or the nightclubs - make me feel like sh*t

I feel I'm in the supporting role of my life.

I feel constantly rejected to be honest. It's not nice.

I just don't understand.. Advice?

lordgoat

Don't let it get to you too much. If you can look back on things and not regret your actions and you're ok with your decisions, then take that. Because when it's the opposite it takes a lot longer to get over.

You're young, you will find someone (more than likely!) and you'll be happy with them and them with you. And yes it's worth waiting for (again more than likely).

lucowell

Im the male opposite to you! Im 23 and although not a virgin,I have been single for last 3year's because the last girl I was with treated me like a dog.
Honest to god I am completely anonymous to 99% of people just because im quiet. I get told on often that im a good lookin lad,but that's as far as it goes!
Be glad that your not like those other girls, theres 100 of them and one unique you,trust me those girls are only like that because there is sometime missing from their lives that they need to replace by throwing themselves at lads.
Its an old cliche but good things really do come to those who wait! And im looking forward to seeing that iv waited for!

snafuk35

I am a genuine, good looking, fun, smart girl.

But you don't want to have sex. So in the eyes of most horny 20 or 21 year old guys that cancels out all your good points. I know because I was once a horny 20 to 21 year old student.

And I am completely invisible to the opposite sex!

Because you won't have sex this means you are off limits and sex-obsessed and sex-starved horny young men will only notice women who do what to have sex.

I have great friends and family.

Young men who want have sex with you don't care about your friends or family.

But relationships with guys - FAIL.

They don't want relationships. They want sex.

Guys don't seem to give me a chance.

Because you don't want to have sex.

My longest relationship was probably two months.

Correction. As he saw it he 'wasted' two sex-free months fruitlessly trying to have sex with you.

I constantly get the "You're a lovely girl but -" "You're a fantastic, great girl, but - "

Because you don't want to have sex with them.

Any guy I've gone out with, they are all over me the first three weeks.
Then I get the line.

Because you won't have sex.

I don't put out.

You already know the answer.

In fact, I'm a virgin. I recall when I told my last two exes and I swear, one week later "You're a fantastic girl...... but -"

You made it clear that you didn't want to have sex so he went elsewhere.

One guy couldn't stand that I wouldn't put out a month into the relationship (he cheated) and the other threw me to the side once his "friend" became suddenly single - we also went out for a month and a half.

I often did precisely the same because I wanted to have sex.

Didn't even get a chance. Both these guys ignore me now - when they were the wrong ones!

They wanted to have sex. You didn't give them sex so they went elsewhere.

And, you wouldn't mind, but I treated the both of them well and supported them etc. I was, a good girlfriend. I didn't treat them badly ( /rant)

But you didn't have sex. From the point of a horny young man who want sex that makes you a bad girlfriend.

I believe I have plenty to offer but guys don't see it.

Because they want to have sex.

Last two exes up and left for other girls.

Because the other girls would have sex with them.

And those exes seem to be in happy relationships now, but those girls are no better than I am?

They are happy to be having sex and that makes them think those girls are better than you.

Yet, I am alone?

No. You aren't.

I do go out clubbing occassionally with the girls but just for fun!

Most guys go clubbing because they might meet a girl and have sex with her.

Might kiss a guy but that's all .. Would just exit after cause I know, especially with college life, there's 'expectations' of something more.

So why are you so surprised?

But on a general basis - I don't recall a guy actually chasing me, noticing me, flirting with me - without my "little pushes"

Because naturally men want to have sex.

The "leading" ladies (as I call them) that get chased around college or the nightclubs - make me feel like sh*t

You don't have sex with guys and don't want to but you are still jealous of girls who do? Perhaps you actually want to too?

I feel I'm in the supporting role of my life.

Unfortunately you will be if you expect immature impatient guys who are bursting with sexual frustration and want to get laid right now to be patient with you.

I feel constantly rejected to be honest. It's not nice.

Reality isn't nice. Men want to have sex with women as soon as possible. For many men romance, poetry, flowers, chocolates, dates etc. etc. is all designed to get women into bed.

I just don't understand..

That's a lie. You do understand.

Advice?

Compromise.

IrishEyes19

snafuk35 wrote: »

But you don't want to have sex. So in the eyes of most horny 20 or 21 year old guys that cancels out all your good points. I know because I was once a horny 20 to 21 year old student.



Because you won't have sex this means you are off limits and sex-obsessed and sex-starved horny young men will only notice women who do what to have sex.



Young men who want have sex with you don't care about your friends or family.



They don't want relationships. They want sex.



Because you don't want to have sex.



Correction. As he saw it he 'wasted' two sex-free months fruitlessly trying to have sex with you.



Because you don't want to have sex with them.



Because you won't have sex.



You already know the answer.



You made it clear that you didn't want to have sex so he went elsewhere.



I often did precisely the same because I wanted to have sex.



They wanted to have sex. You didn't give them sex so they went elsewhere.



But you didn't have sex. From the point of a horny young man who want sex that makes you a bad girlfriend.



Because they want to have sex.



Because the other girls would have sex with them.



They are happy to be having sex and that makes them think those girls are better than you.



No. You aren't.



Most guys go clubbing because they might meet a girl and have sex with her.



So why are you so surprised?



Because naturally men want to have sex.



You don't have sex with guys and don't want to but you are still jealous of girls who do? Perhaps you actually want to too?



Unfortunately you will be if you expect immature impatient guys who are bursting with sexual frustration and want to get laid right now to be patient with you.



Reality isn't nice. Men want to have sex with women as soon as possible. For many men romance, poetry, flowers, chocolates, dates etc. etc. is all designed to get women into bed.



That's a lie. You do understand.



Compromise.

sorry but what a ton of rubbish to the above post. OP, I know people who were intimate on their first date with someone and those who waited longer than 6 months in fact and both timelines did not make a difference to how long the relationship lasted.

Never ever think that because you didnt decide to let a guy who you've been dating for, shorter than two months sleep with you, define you as the one having an issue or a problem.

so please dont take the above advice because agreeing to sleep with someone to ensure they wont dump you isnt compromising. Its pressure you have put on yourself.

I know its cliche, but your time will come. Dating in your twenties is hard, Im roughly the same age as you, and the lifestyle you have in college with nightclubs, and parties and so on, really does put an added pressure to have sex a lot earlier than you might have planned with someone because of the social culture its now revolved around, but you dont have to adhere to that just because others are and as you said yourself, you are smart and have many qualities, Im guessing you wouldnt feel to good afterwards if you weren't ready.

regarding making a relationship last long, there is no magic trick to it. it either works or doesnt. College relationships aren't long lasting because most people really are out just to have some fun. its as simple as that.
I know it sounds so old and granny-ish to be saying this, but I presume you're in the your second or final year in college at 20/21, dont spend your remaining year worrying about why relationships didnt last or if you do get into a relationship destroying yourself trying to make it work. college really is the best years of your life if you make it that way and nothing will ruin this year for you and make you look back with regret if you fret over something so trivial.

People are so diverse, OP, that you will meet someone who eventually you wont even have to worry if he's going to pull the plug on the relationship. And this is experience talking, nearly everyone has wasted some time worrying about a person they once dated and questioning themselves and looking for flaws on why they ended it, and when you do finally get out of that tunnel, you look back and wonder why you wasted so many tears and worries on someone who really didnt deserve you in the first place.

you 2o years old, plan a night out this week now with the girls and focus on having a good night with them. if you meet someone, all well and good but dont look at it anymore seriously than making a new friend on a night out. see where it goes from there. best of luck.

LegacyUser

To the poster who is practically blaming me for not jumping in bed!
Of course I want to have sex etc but hardly believe its right within 1 month of dating/knowing someone.

Taltos

Snafuk35 - generalisations are not welcome here.

Not all men are so obsessed with sex and by phrasing your point in such a manner you are doing a disservice to quite a wide population of men in this country.

If you have not already done so please review our charter, it is updated frequently, most recently with the warning on generalisations. We only ask this to ensure that posters do not unwittingly type themselves into an infraction.

Thanks
Taltos

Miss Fluff

I'm with Snafuk35 on this. I too think a lot of young men at 20 or 21 are on the horn 24/7. They are in their sexual prime at that age and whether it is deemed a generalisation or not, biology and societal expectations/peer pressure do come in to play. Of course they do. Young fellers at this age want to ride rings around themselves.

OP you have simply met guys who want to get their end away and when you weren't willing to put out they flounced their proverbial petticoats and exited stage left. Their loss.

Have sex with whomever you want and whenever you are ready. Sex is one of the most amazing things life has to offer and you should only have it when you're good and ready. I was nearly 20 when I lost my virginity and I'm glad I waited. Like you I had everything going for me but a lot of blokes scarpered when I wouldn't put out. I'm now in my 30s and I can't tell you how glad I am that I didn't put out to some of the randy and spotty little feckers that crossed my path back in the day :rolleyes:

There's nothing wrong with you hon, stick to your guns and do it when you feel like it

dearg lady

lucowell wrote: »

Be glad that your not like those other girls, theres 100 of them and one unique you,trust me those girls are only like that because there is sometime missing from their lives that they need to replace by throwing themselves at lads.

I don't think this is fair, so just because these girls choose to have sex they must be generic and have sad lives with something missing?! Shockingly some women like having sex and don't put it on a pedestal.

Peanut2011

Dear OP,

Looking at the previous comments and replies I can say a lot has already been covered.

I can only add one thing:

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

You really are a very rare person in today's society. I have to say that you need to be true to yourself and do what you feel is right and when it is right for you.

Unfortunately you will feel peer-pressure to put out and weather you do decide to or not it will not change the way your relationship goes. Guys like that are obviously not right for you.

It all takes time and maybe you are going after the wrong kind of guys. Maybe there is someone out there that just can't bring themselves up to speak to you. It is quite often said that pretty girls are sometimes the most lonely.

The reason for this is that the majority of the guys are afraid to go up to them and talk to them. Quite often you will get the "popular" guys going up as they are full of confidence but the guy that you are looking for could be just in the background trying to get courage to speak to you.

Give it time and enjoy life as much as you can. Right kind of a guy will come along sooner or later.

Keela11

The main problem is that you are going out with guys who hold different views than you.
You clearly think that sex is something special and...well I can't tell what else from your post.
The guys you've been with (and tbh most people in their 20s) think that sex is a vital part of a relationship, a bit of fun and should probably be had as often as possible.

I'm 100% not saying that you should have sex. Having sex when you're not ready is probably the worst thing that you could do. It's your body and it's your choice. You just need to find guys who agree with you or would be willing to wait untill you're ready.

KKkitty

OP first of all well done for keeping your virginity at this stage of your life. So many young women your age wouldn't have. Never mind someone saying men have sex on their minds 24/7. Some actually don't so it's a generalisation. You strike me as a level headed young woman who just wants to know that sex will not be the basis for your relationships and that foremost you want to feel loved and respected for who you are and not from a sexual point of view. You are not a sexual being you're a human being. Young women your age may feel pressure to have sex due to everything being practically sexualised these days. You will find someone worthy of you so don't despair.

fits

OP There is a lot of truth in what that guy says, a lot of young men are incredibly immature when it comes to relationships and just really want to get off. If I were you I would forget about any sort of relationship or the sex thing for a while and concentrate on having a good time, making friends of both sexes, and getting through college. Have fun when you go out, and score fellas if you like but dont put much importance on the whole thing or finding a relationship. Looking back, thats the advice I would give anyway.

It will happen for you sometime I am sure of it. Oh and stick to your guns and suit yourself on the whole sex thing.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Wow, what a load of tripe you've been fed on this thread:mad:. I was 19 when I lost my virginity. I never had a problem getting guys but I didn't have sex until I wanted to. The people going on like young guys are randy animals that only think of one thing are very sexist. Not all men are like that, you can't generalise, just because one guy is an idiot doesn't mean he has any right to say all guys are.

Please don't take that crap on board and think that having sex will get you a long term relationship, it won't, having sex for a reason other than because you genuinely want to, will leave you feeling very sh*t about yourself and will only be compounded by being dumped. Guys that are only after one thing usually dump the girls after they've gotton it. So yeah OP, please do what you have been and look after yourself and DON'T bow to peer pressure. You'll find Mr Right when he comes along and sex will be wonderful when you do it with the right person.

Best of luck.

IrishEyes19

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Wow, what a load of tripe you've been fed on this thread:mad:. I was 19 when I lost my virginity. I never had a problem getting guys but I didn't have sex until I wanted to. The people going on like young guys are randy animals that only think of one thing are very sexist. Not all men are like that, you can't generalise, just because one guy is an idiot doesn't mean he has any right to say all guys are.

Please don't take that crap on board and think that having sex will get you a long term relationship, it won't, having sex for a reason other than because you genuinely want to, will leave you feeling very sh*t about yourself and will only be compounded by being dumped. Guys that are only after one thing usually dump the girls after they've gotton it. So yeah OP, please do what you have been and look after yourself and DON'T bow to peer pressure. You'll find Mr Right when he comes along and sex will be wonderful when you do it with the right person.

Best of luck.

+ 1 on that. What has happened to us today that not wanting to sleep with a guy is somehow being unfair to that person. A month for god sake. A month is nothing. Most relationships aren't even exclusive until about 2 months and some posters are saying here that she isn't compromising. Unbelievable. Ive never believed in being repressed and so on, but we have really gone the other way at this stage. You should never have to compromise on sex. Ever. It should only happen because you want to and feel ready to. Compromise immediately states you are agreeing but arent ready or happy about it.

Nyan Cat

Hi op. the problem is not you. It's not even them really. The problem is just that you're dating the wrong people for you. Not everyone is a horn dog. But at that age many lads find sex an important part of a relationship. Even if they like you if they want sex that's often the main thing.

There are lads out there that hold values similar to you. There are lads that have had sex but are patient when they meet someone.

The only advice I can think of really is to bring up the subject of sex sooner. If you really like someone and they clearly like you too, perhaps say 'so... How do you feel about sex' or something along those lines, maybe less direct. Just to find out if you ate both on the same page rather than assuming you are (as we are wont to do!)
Communication - as cliche as it sounds - is key with this kind of thing.

Gannicus

dontgetit wrote: »

I don't put out. In fact, I'm a virgin. I recall when I told my last two exes and I swear, one week later "You're a fantastic girl...... but -"
One guy couldn't stand that I wouldn't put out a month into the relationship (he cheated) and the other threw me to the side once his "friend" became suddenly single - we also went out for a month and a half. Didn't even get a chance. Both these guys ignore me now -

Don't rush into sex just to hold onto a guy. When it feels right... it feels right and let that be it. As for those two they're just assh0les forget about them. I myself was in a relationship with a girl for a couple of years back, we went out about 6 months before we slept together it was grand we still had great fun out and about together and got on really well. Sex is great I won'r lie but if you're not happy sleeping with that person more often then not you're right not to.

LegacyUser

Hey guys. Lots of great insights here.

Just so theres no confusion, Ive never actually said "I shall never have sex with you" to the guys haha I would just merely mention it if things were getting full on.. i guess "make out" wise..
I actually would like to have sex but the guys I have gone out with have been assholes whether its been pressuring me about sex or being obsessed with their friend who's going through a "break up" lol.. No guy has really ever gone out of their way for me or earned my trust.

Obviously I would like to have sex. But I would like to trust the guy?

Those two guys hurt me cause they dumped me within 1 and a half months of going out

So feel worthless? Yes who wouldn't. Feel rejected? Majorly.

Lonely? Oh jesus yeah.

ihsb

I am in my early twenties too. I have had two relationships and they are the only two men I have had sex with. I have realised that the men that are worth it, take their time.

They will not pressure you. In fact my ex had had quite a few sexual relationships before me but because he felt I was special when he met me he waited until the third date to even kiss me.

I waited to loose my virginity, and it was perfect. I have spoken to many others that have horror stories. I have found that when there are feelings involved sex is better (after talking to others about it).

You are only in your twenties once! Go out with your great friends and enjoy it and when the right man comes along he will take his time with you. The right man will not be freaked out by your status he will be careful with you.

Good luck!

dontgetit

dontgetit wrote: »

Hey.

I'm twenty, almost twenty one. In college.
I am a genuine, good looking, fun, smart girl. And I am completely invisible to the opposite sex!
I have great friends and family. But relationships with guys - FAIL.
Guys don't seem to give me a chance. My longest relationship was probably two months.
I constantly get the "You're a lovely girl but -" "You're a fantastic, great girl, but - "
Any guy I've gone out with, they are all over me the first three weeks.
Then I get the line.
I don't put out. In fact, I'm a virgin. I recall when I told my last two exes and I swear, one week later "You're a fantastic girl...... but -"
One guy couldn't stand that I wouldn't put out a month into the relationship (he cheated)

To be honest he sounded like an immature tool so consider that a blessing. One month?! Im a fella and thats even too soon for me.

dontgetit wrote: »

and the other threw me to the side once his "friend" became suddenly single - we also went out for a month and a half. Didn't even get a chance. Both these guys ignore me now - when they were the wrong ones! And, you wouldn't mind, but I treated the both of them well and supported them etc. I was, a good girlfriend. I didn't treat them badly ( /rant)

you might have been a mere victim of circumstance for case 2. If he was in love with her before he met you then perhaps its just the unfortunate way things happen. still i wouldnt let it bother me. his loss.

dontgetit wrote: »

I believe I have plenty to offer but guys don't see it. Last two exes up and left for other girls. And those exes seem to be in happy relationships now, but those girls are no better than I am?

Your very young in fairness and the way society is of late you may not find the love of your life in college as they generally tend to be immature tools just out for one thing. But also need to focus on having an abundance attitude rather than scarcity mentality.
Your being asked out which is great and its just unfortunate that the 2 cases just didnt work out. Still as previously said the loss is theirs cos you seem a decent respectable lady but perhaps at the moment you are giving off an anxious and needy vibe albeit perhaps unsubconsciously.

A relationship wont define you. however if you believe in yourself and start to trust in the kind of guy you would love to have as to maybe the kind of guy you would love someone else to be then i think you'll be grand.

dontgetit wrote: »

Yet, I am alone?

I do go out clubbing occassionally with the girls but just for fun! Might kiss a guy but that's all .. Would just exit after cause I know, especially with college life, there's 'expectations' of something more.

But on a general basis - I don't recall a guy actually chasing me, noticing me, flirting with me - without my "little pushes"

The "leading" ladies (as I call them) that get chased around college or the nightclubs - make me feel like sh*t

I feel I'm in the supporting role of my life.

I feel constantly rejected to be honest. It's not nice.

I just don't understand.. Advice?

No your not alone. Some of the best catches are single and while some of the best catches are caught, there is also some whopping red herrings who then unfortunately add to our 7bn population. You have to believe in yourself as a person. Believe that you are lovable as opposed to needing to be loved.

Mr. Incognito

I think you've seen both types of person on here,

the selfish horn dogs who see women as tools for sex or the genuine people,

you seem to be young and being good looking as you say go for the lads that are popular and used to girls falling over them and putting out.

Maybe you are going for the wrong kind of guy.

I think you should stick to your principles and try to get to know someone that is on the same level,

Men are like buses, they come along in groups

Also how you approach it is a big deal, I did dump a girl I was dating in college as she didn't want to do ANYTHING for a year, it wasn't the wait that would have annoyed me as I thought if was a test and she wouldn't wait that long but it was the attitude of using sex as a comodity to hold over me or barter with- was not attractive so be careful you don't come over that.

prinz

OP you are young, you're having fun, roll with it. You might be thinking how great it would be to be in a relationship. Trust me, when you are in a relationship there are times when you'll be thinking how great it was when you were living it up in college and single.

There are plenty of lads out there who will be right for you. It's just a sad fact of life that we need to sift through the idiots, the selfish, the immature etc, to find someone we're compatible with and can build a trust with. If it doesn't feel absolutely right for you then don't have sex just to please a guy, or keep him interested, or because you think he'll stick by you then. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. If you tell a guy you're not up for sex after x hours, or weeks or whatever and he runs for the hills consider yourself lucky. That early in knowing someone he should be focused on you, your personality, your traits, your character etc. Getting to know you, not getting the leg over for a shag. The right guy will wait until you are ready.

Nyan Cat wrote: »

Communication - as cliche as it sounds - is key with this kind of thing.

+1. Make it quite clear that sex will happen when you are ready, and not before then... and do it early on if you get into relationship territory. Full disclosure is best and will hopefully stop both parties wasting time.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. Just wondering, should I just abandon the idea of "dates" etc cause it hasn't really worked for me.
As in, should I be friends with a guy first?

dontgetit

dontgetit wrote: »

Thanks guys. Just wondering, should I just abandon the idea of "dates" etc cause it hasn't really worked for me.
As in, should I be friends with a guy first?

Well dates are a way of getting to know each other so i dont really see a problem with them in general. The danger of being friends with a guy first is that you could fall into a friendzone. i dont thnk you are going wrong with dates tbh

I don't know whether it's been mentioned yet, but have you tried online dating?

Oh and believe me, there is room for good girls out there. Just have faith.

santana75

Taltos wrote: »

Snafuk35 - generalisations are not welcome here.

Not all men are so obsessed with sex and by phrasing your point in such a manner you are doing a disservice to quite a wide population of men in this country.

If you have not already done so please review our charter, it is updated frequently, most recently with the warning on generalisations. We only ask this to ensure that posters do not unwittingly type themselves into an infraction.

Thanks
Taltos

I dont think thats fair. I think Snafuk35 made some good points. You say that not all men are obsessed with sex. Thats true, not all are, but let me tell you, that the majority of men in this country are obsessed with sex. Thats the way it is, its the nature of the beast. I think the OP is right to stand by her values, but at the same time shes gotta know that her refusal to put out, as they say, is not going to be to the liking of the majority of men. Im sure she'll find a nice lad who'll respect her decision and not just want to hang out with her so he can get laid, its just that those guys are in the minority.

blatantrereg

You being a virgin might create a bit of pressure on things in some guys' minds, even if you want to sleep with them. They might feel an exaggerated sense of respect for you. They might feel like they shouldn't sleep with you unless they are sure they want something fairly serious. Personally I broke up with one girl largely for these sorts of reasons, even though I fancied her quite a lot. She was a virgin and made it clear she wanted to lose it with me. I wasn't sure I wanted to have a serious relationship with her, and I didn't like feeling pressure to define things as such (even if it was pressure from my own mind).

There are some people of both sexes who are fairly sex obsessed. For most people, wanting to have sex and being romantically interested in someone are quite closely linked. The fact is that a guy might like you loads, might be interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you, but he might just feel rejected and/or frustrated by you not wanting to have sex with him. I'm certainly not saying you should have sex just to appease someone - that would be a terrible idea. What I am saying is that refusing to have sex is likely to discourage guys - and that doesn't mean they're only after one thing, or sex-obsessed.

Anyway - a bit of judgement is required I guess. When you tell a guy you're a virgin it ought to stop him feeling rejected if you dont want sex - but it might make him feel pressure on the relationship in general.

As an aside, and more in response to some of the other posters than to the OP: Seriously though - wanting to have sex with someone a lot is not mutually exclusive with caring about them and respecting them. Sex is a way of expressing affection and feelings. It's not always just about gratification. Some people love sex, but dont even like it without some sort of emotional connection.

Gannicus

dontgetit wrote: »

Thanks guys. Just wondering, should I just abandon the idea of "dates" etc cause it hasn't really worked for me.
As in, should I be friends with a guy first?

Not at all. They're good ways of getting to know people and having fun with new people.

LegacyUser

lucowell wrote: »

Im the male opposite to you! Im 23 and although not a virgin,I have been single for last 3year's because the last girl I was with treated me like a dog.
Honest to god I am completely anonymous to 99% of people just because im quiet. I get told on often that im a good lookin lad,but that's as far as it goes!
Be glad that your not like those other girls, theres 100 of them and one unique you,trust me those girls are only like that because there is sometime missing from their lives that they need to replace by throwing themselves at lads.
Its an old cliche but good things really do come to those who wait! And im looking forward to seeing that iv waited for!

Couldn't agree more with this post. There has been a lot of generalising in this thread but its important to note that not everyone in their 20's is hung up on sex, and yes, good things come to those who wait, I know as I waited 21 years for my first (and current) relationship.

My girlfriend is of a very similar mind to you OP. And I completely respect her for it. When I first met her 4 months ago there was an instant click between us and it had nothing to do with "just looking for sex"... At 21 I had never been in a relationship, so while initially a learning curve, it has fallen into place. Im 22 now.

We have not yet had sex yet, we've slept together but not had intercourse. I guess you could say she isn't "putting out" like so many men "expect"...not me though, I respect her choice and if anything, respecting and standing by your girlfriend for such a thing shows that you value the relationship and are, in fact, a better more understanding man then the ones who ditch a girl they "adore" because she wont have sex with them.

Now I know some people have relationships based on sex alone and thats fair enough if thats what they want but the thing to remember OP is that not all base it on this and you will meet a man who values you and wants to have a relationship with you. I think anyway that people who have sex right at the start of the relationship, end up basing sex as a factor in the relationship...but by holding off you both get an understanding of the person you are with and what they want from a relationship.

I could be alone in my view because I would be that male 1% who isn't hung up on sex in a new relationship. Again, "good things come to those who wait"...if you have developed a strong bond with someone without sex, when you do eventually have sex it will be like "the icing on the cake" (not sure if there is some nasty pun in there by anyway :P )

Good luck OP, I respect you.

OP, while you most definitely shouldn't be pressured into having sex before you're ready, it seems to me like you have some issues there. For one, your thread title is 'good girl'. Choosing not to have sex doesn't make you a better person than those who choose to have it. And you used the term 'put out' which again makes it seem like you think sex is something bad girls do to keep men interested. Maybe some girls enjoy sex and actually like having it in a relationship? Your attitude towards sex seems unhealthy to me.

As other posters have said, young men want to have sex. That isn't a crime. It doesn't mean that's all they want, but if they think there's no chance of you sleeping with them (and you haven't made it clear how long you'd expect them to wait), why would they bother? There are plenty of attractive, intelligent girls who are happy to have a sexual relationship. If you're not ready for sex, no problem at all, but you don't have the right to expect guys to be with you and wait indefinitely for a sexual relationship that might never happen.

Ickle Magoo

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LegacyUser

Hi,
I think some people are taking it to extremes here.

There's nothing wrong with having sex and there's nothing wrong with NOT having sex, it's up to the person in question.

But here is the thing...
If you're meeting guys in clubs then yes, a lot of guys will want sex soon enough, not all but a lot. It's 2012, and the majority of people would expect sex in a relationship.

But it might be about how you come across. You're under no obligation whatsoever to sleep with someone early on. I have found that relationships I've had outside of meeting in pubs/clubs are the ones we get to know each other a little more and go out more before anything happens and usually are healthier relationships.

The thing is this though, I'd never rush a girl or expect sex immediately, however if things were moving towards a relationship (away from dating/scoring/whatever) then I'd probably assume at SOME point we'd have sex. I don't think I'm a "horn dog" and I don't really do hookups but my personal choice is that sex is a normal/healthy part of a RELATIONSHIP. I'm just wondering how you come across to these guys. Are you talking to them about it? I mean if you are moving towards being in a relationship then there's nothing wrong with telling them you want to go out with them exclusively but aren't ready just now, that would be fine with me, if a girl wanted to hold off until she is comfortable/ready.

On the other hand, if things seemed to be going great but a girl was very standoffish and I just couldn't figure her out I'd be wondering if I wanted to persue a relationship.

I have 2 friends who met through a church group, they married just over a year after meeting and are still very young. I thought it was all very rushed but I learned that both have strong religious beliefs and were waiting until marriage. They felt things were right but needed to marry before being intimate with each other. Personally I don't feel thats a reason to marry so quickly/young but that's just my own belief. They seem very happy and were lucky to find someone who shared their views. But I'm not sure either of them would have met each other in a thursday nightclub.

I would just suggest meeting people outside of pubs/clubs and if it starts to go anywhere just talk to them what you are comfortable with. If you don't want to have sex for a very long time and a guy is not necessarily ok with that, it doesn't make him a horn dog... some people like myself think sex is a normal part of a relationship and if a girl never wants to have sex then thats perfectly fine as her opinion. However it would come across to me that she saw no potential in the relationship if she wouldn't want to sleep with me after months/years without discussing things with me.

I think you just need to discuss it with them. I don't think you've said here what it is your feelings are on sex. Do you not want to have sex with someone for X amount of time? Or not until you are SURE he could be the one? Or do you want to wait until marriage? And whatever it is, just let the guy know... sometimes it might be a deal breaker, sometimes not, just like any other thing about a person in a relationship. A girl once broke up with me because we had different tastes in music... you just have to find someone compatible.