Civil ceremony feedback

jojo2

I'm looking for feedback from any past brides or grooms that had a civil ceremony at their hotel performed by a HSE registrar.

We've researched the options for a non-religious wedding, we don't like the idea of having a spiritualist ceremony (also the costs are higher for someone like Tom Colton), and the only thing stopping us having a humanist-type ceremony is that we'd have to go to the registry office separately to get married legally.

I received the order of ceremony from the HSE today, I was expecting it to be strict on the wording but it struck me as quite impersonal, for example, it states that the entrance music must be maximum 2 minutes in length.
We were planning on making the ceremony as personal as possible - having two readings, our own music, etc.

It would be great if anyone that has had a HSE civil ceremony could answer any of the following questions:

How long did your ceremony last? From looking at the layout I can't imagine it lasting more than 10mins!

Did the registrar make sure everything was exactly on time? I know the ceremony has to start on time but I'm having images of them looking at their watch every minute?!

Were you able to add anything like a sand ceremony?

How were the HSE to deal with? It's been so difficult to just book a date with them that if it was any other supplier I would have gone elsewhere long ago!

Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

Moonbeam

My mother had hers in a hotel and I had mine in the registry office.

They had a room with a piano that was all done up.My husband played the music for them and the bridesmaids and bestmen sat up the front. There were no readings and it lasted about 15 minutes.
The hse room was no where near as nice and we brought a cd with 2 songs on it and had one reading I think it took about 15 minutes.
The wedding before mine was late finishing so I was waiting a while in the car.

bp

We went the civil route in a hotel recently and couldn't fault the HSE in any way. We have our own music including a family member playing a song and two poems were read out. Ok it was pretty quick (15 minutes) but every guest thought that it was brilliant and fast.

We never felt rushed (although were shocked it was so quick) but you can light candles etc to make it longer. We also thought it was impersonal until the day of the wedding but it was great.

The registrar was so nice and friendly and never checked her watch or anything.

Great service, good route for us. Just make sure they have your date, they book up very very fast for off site weddings.

LisaLee

We went to a civil ceremony a while back and it really cemented what we wanted for our wedding ceremony. The bride had a harpist and violinist play her up the aisle, there were two readings, lighting of candles etc. All in all it must have been about 15-20 mins.

It was beautiful, very personal and romantic. Afaik you can sit down with the registrar and work out what you want included in the ceremony. As long as they're no mention of God etc then you've a free enough rein.

campo

When people say they have reading I presume you dont mean a reading from the bible so what kind of reading is done ???

BTW I am having a civil ceremony and been honest have no idea what is involved

LisaLee

I've heard readings of lyrics from songs they like, prose from plays, old blessings like Native American ones, poems about love etc. There is a lot out there and you can pretty much read anything not relating to God.

jojo2

Thanks to all for the replies, I'm feeling better about the HSE now! We've already booked our date with them but they said not to bother making an appointment to meet until Sept (getting married April 2013).

I suppose we're all just used to the long church-type wedding so 15mins seems v.short, at least there's no worries of anyone getting bored!

We've picked out some nice readings, we have a string quartet playing some of our favourite songs so hopefully this will personalise it. I like the idea of having a sand ceremony though, the candle-lighting ceremony doesn't really feel like us but I'm not sure how strict the HSE are on things like this? I can't see how it would matter as both would probably take the same amount of time?!

jojo2

campo wrote: »

When people say they have reading I presume you dont mean a reading from the bible so what kind of reading is done ???

BTW I am having a civil ceremony and been honest have no idea what is involved

I just googled civil ceremony readings and got loads of ideas - I think we're going to go with "The art of marriage" by Wilfred A.Peterson and haven't fully decided on the second reading - there's a lot of cheesy stuff out there!

Gatica

that is a beautiful reading, I also have it on our list of possible readings

TheDriver

we are getting a civil ceremony done in June during work lunch break in the registry office becasue we are getting married abroad in a church (our "proper" wedding day regarding the big day/dressing up etc!) but it gets the legal bits out of the way here.
The lady gave us a sheet of things for the ceremony and started drawing lots of lines and its not cut down to about 4 lines, no rings, no poems, no songs. So it will take about 1-2 mins!

fuddy1

jojo2 do you mind me asking what county you are getting married in? rules seem to be different for each county, they are a law unto themselves. Our civil ceremony is booked for november this year and we havent been given any 'order of service'!! I knew they were strict about some things but i didnt realise there was a time limit on music!! I dont suppose you could pm me the info you got from the HSE......

jojo2

Fuddy1, I agree each county seems to have their own rules - such a bizarre system!! I PM'd you with some info.

We're getting married in Kildare but have to go through the Dublin HSE, I can't really understand why!

King Krib

jojo2 wrote: »

Thanks to all for the replies, I'm feeling better about the HSE now! We've already booked our date with them but they said not to bother making an appointment to meet until Sept (getting married April 2013).

I suppose we're all just used to the long church-type wedding so 15mins seems v.short, at least there's no worries of anyone getting bored!

We've picked out some nice readings, we have a string quartet playing some of our favourite songs so hopefully this will personalise it. I like the idea of having a sand ceremony though, the candle-lighting ceremony doesn't really feel like us but I'm not sure how strict the HSE are on things like this? I can't see how it would matter as both would probably take the same amount of time?!

Sorry for hijacking your post, but when you say you've booked your date do you mean for the ceremony? We're having a civil ceremony next April too but not in Kildare. I have to wait on a decree of divorce to come through from a previous marriage before we can apply for the marriage license.
We booked the hotel because we wanted to secure the date, is it possible to reserve that date with the hse then apply for the marriage license at a later date when we have the rest of the paper work in order?

jojo2

King Krib wrote: »

Sorry for hijacking your post, but when you say you've booked your date do you mean for the ceremony? We're having a civil ceremony next April too but not in Kildare. I have to wait on a decree of divorce to come through from a previous marriage before we can apply for the marriage license.
We booked the hotel because we wanted to secure the date, is it possible to reserve that date with the hse then apply for the marriage license at a later date when we have the rest of the paper work in order?

I'm sure it is possible to book your date with them before your divorce is finalised, you'd want to make sure that there is a registrar available on your date. Although they did ask my OH if one of us had been married before so you would have to see what they say in your situation.

They've put our date in their calendar which ensures that a registrar is booked for that date, they said to book an appointment in Sept/Oct to register our intent to marry. Hope you get it sorted with them!

King Krib

I'll give them a buzz next week to be sure. If not hopefully I can get a free lance solmeniser to do the ceremony for us just incase

bp

the counties are grouped into Regions, we got married in Meath and that is the Louth district.

In relation to booking it with the HSE - you have to see them at least 3 months before hand to sign papers and you will get the order of ceremony then but you have to book the actual travelling registar way in advance, I would call them Monday to book your date - we tried to book our 10 months before the wedding and there was a lot of hassel getting someone because the diary was full.....

BeardySi

The amount of leeway from the prescribed is really up to the individual registrar - there are certain things they have to say after that they're usually happy to go with whatever you want - we wrote a few more bits to bulk it out, along with writing our own vows to go before the legal bit. Same goes for the timings they're not gonna stand there with a stopwatch, but playing the whole length of Stairway to Heaven would definitely be out!

As for readings, obviously religious texts are out but there's a lot of good stuff out there... we actually had three cos I snuck in a short third:

Extract from Les Miserables by Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885)

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.
The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness.
We pardon to the extent that we love.
Love is knowing that even when you are alone, you will never be lonely again.
And great happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.
Loved for ourselves.
And even loved in spite of ourselves.

King Krib

We will be getting married in Meath, any idea of a name and number for the registrar?

BeardySi

Can't help I'm afraid, we used Roscommon...

triseke

King Krib wrote: »

We will be getting married in Meath, any idea of a name and number for the registrar?

There is a list on the hse website, afaik

brownej

King Krib wrote: »

We will be getting married in Meath, any idea of a name and number for the registrar?

All the county registrars are listed here.
http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/bdm/How_to_register_a_birth/Registrars_of_Births_Deaths_and_Marriages.html

Go to www.groireland.ie for details for civil ceremonies.

If you want to have a ceremony in a hotel with the HSE registrar you have to reserve the date way in advance.
Weekends are out (public sector workers)
Some of them have very restricted options for outside ceremonies for example 1 ceremnoy performed every second thursday or friday at 3pm.

As soon as you know that this is a route you want to go down call them.
I found it's best to call at 9.30 in the morning outside of that time forget about it. you will have to be persistent in getting through to them.

Sleepy

I heard from a cousin who works in the HSE over the weekend that apparently some of the registrars will do Saturday weddings where you just pay for the overtime?

Anyone had any experience of this?

King Krib

Sleepy wrote: »

I heard from a cousin who works in the HSE over the weekend that apparently some of the registrars will do Saturday weddings where you just pay for the overtime?

Anyone had any experience of this?

That makes sense to me. When I rang the hse in relation to this I was told they only take calls regarding registrars etc on a Wednesday and Friday. Saying that at least my call was returned..

gillybean

We got married in Dec in a hotel and could not fault it at all. Our wedding was about 15 mins by choice but my sister in law's last year lasted 30 mins.
They have two slots per solomeniser per day and if you pick the second slot (usually 3pm) then they won't be under time constraints. We also worried it would be a disaster judging how long it took to get the date sorted but once we met them they were all lovely.

They can't do Sat ceremonies at the moment due to an overtime ban by civil servants.

Our registrar got in touch and asked if we had any special requirements for the ceremony and we told her we were having two pieces of music (both of ours were over 2 mins) and we had the candle lighting ceremony and a reading. You can also write your own vows. Lots of people went away saying they thought it was lovely and a couple planning to get married in a church are now considering changing to a civil ceremony.

jojo2

Thanks for the reply Gillybean, you've definitely put my mind at ease!

Ms Mustard

Hi jojo2 and all,
I think all your queries have been covered, but though I’d add my tuppence worth anyway...

We got married last August in a Civil Ceremony in Fallon & Byrne in Dublin.
The HSE registrar assigned to us just a couple of weeks before the wedding – their roster is drawn up on a monthly basis – was sick on the day, but the last minute substitute was a guy called Mark and he was very personable and followed our planned running order etc.

We have musicians in the family and had about 4 different pieces of music/singing. We used a native American reading, which actually the HSE put us on to, but we amended slightly to suit us having found other versions online. The ceremony started on time and lasted about 20 minutes, but we were never put under pressure and it could easily have gone on longer. The template they give you is just that, a template and they are flexible about making music slots longer etc. All of our guests including, perhaps especially, those who’d never been to a civil ceremony thought it was fantastic.

We had the earlier offsite slot available from the Dublin HSE office – 1230. When we first got in touch about 5 months in advance that was the only offsite slot available on a Friday for months and was what decided our date in the end. Saturdays are not an option – I did ask more than once. There was availability on Mondays and Tuesdays at shorter notice certainly.

Contact the HSE sooner than later would be my advice to anyone and if you can get hold of an email or direct line – that works best – the main line is hard to get through to. Although it’s officially 3 months notice it can take longer they are so booked up.

My husband had to get his divorce papers sorted and although he had them when we gave notice I know they are happy to take the booking subject to all paperwork like foreign birth certs and divorce decrees etc being provided in good time.

And finally – you might be interested to know that a private member’s bill giving the Humanist Association of Ireland the right to appoint solmenisers who can do the legal bit (like churches/religions have) is currently making its way through the stages. Wheels may turn too slowly for you though.

Best of luck.

Sleepy

Sleepy wrote: »

I heard from a cousin who works in the HSE over the weekend that apparently some of the registrars will do Saturday weddings where you just pay for the overtime?

Anyone had any experience of this?

He looked into it for me, apparently they'll do it in exceptional circumstances but otherwise it's not available. Assuming "exceptional circumstances" involve bride, groom or close family being at deaths door tbh.

tatli_lokma

our ceremony (May 2009) lasted about 45 mins. We had music at various points through the ceremony, readings, candle lighting ceremony, we also included a reading and our vows in my husbands language (we just had to provide a translation to show it wasn't in any way religious). Nothing was rushed, and it felt like a 'real' wedding in the sense that it had all the things you would expect from a church wedding just no religion.

because most registrars can only do 1 or 2 external ceremonies per day, they usually leave plenty of time, so they are usually quite open to allowing you to personalise the ceremony and take your time.

best of luck with whatever you choose!

gazzer

Im glad I found this thread. Myself and my partner are having our civil partnership this coming August.

I was hoping to include my 3 brothers in the ceremony and my partner wasnted to include 3 of his family also. We won a prize of a singer for our ceremony so want to take advantage of that so we figured 3 songs and 2 readings

I want one brother to do witness and then was hoping to have one brother do a reading but Im not sure what role my other brother could take. Is there any scope to include another reading in the service?

tatli_lokma

I don't see why not.

or what about doing a similar thing to bringing up the gifts like at mass? I was at a civil ceremony and they had two young family members bring up two gifts, which were tokens that the bride and groom exchanged. They were just small items, but they had a personal meaning. So the kiddies brought them up the aisle, and then the couple exchanged the gifts explaning what they symbolised. He gave her a little necklace with a sun and a moon on it and said something along the lines of her being his night and day and she gave him a little model boat to symbolise their new voyage in life.

It was very sweet, and a way to include other family members.

Or if you don't have a pageboy, he could bring the rings up?

Suaimhneach

This thread just put my mind at rest, I should have read it before emailing the HSE again, haha. The template is kind of off putting but seems like you got great recommendations. Thanks all for sharing.

CaraMay

Was at a wedding recently an the humanist minister was able to do the legal part too.

skippy15

CaraMay wrote: »

Was at a wedding recently an the humanist minister was able to do the legal part too.

Are you sure they were able to do the legal part and not just the ceremony, with couple getting married seperately?

My understanding is Humanists have been approved in Dáil Dec 2012, but are just waiting to be added to the list of registered solemisers. Which is only a formality at this stage, but until they are added officially added they cannot legally marry someone?

CaraMay

skippy15 wrote: »

Are you sure they were able to do the legal part and not just the ceremony, with couple getting married seperately?

My understanding is Humanists have been approved in Dáil Dec 2012, but are just waiting to be added to the list of registered solemisers. Which is only a formality at this stage, but until they are added officially added they cannot legally marry someone?

I'm certain

Gatica

well I'd already heard from a few ppl that they're legally able to do that now. From their website, it sounds like they're still doing the finishing touches though:
http://humanism.ie/campaigns/humanist-weddings/

The other celebrant may not have been "humanist", he could've been "Spiritualist Union"...

pooch90

AFAIK, Humanists aren't fully legal yet (we have them booked for next summer) but they expect full legal status by the summer as all that has to happen is putting their names on the register.
I'd imagine it would be plastered all over their website if legal status was all sorted.

Possibly a spiritualist or Pat Buckley/Pastor Gerry (can't remember his surname) is who did that other wedding

Jellyjelly

Héy Guys

The humanist are on the list, it looks like its just Brian Whiteside at the minute, he's legally able to perform the ceremonies and sign the legal documents without having to have a ceremony in the reg office first

Good luck

J

jojo2

OP here again, just thought I'd post back and let you know how our ceremony went and hopefully put other future bride's or groom's minds at ease about the HSE route for their wedding!

We got married a few weeks ago by a HSE registrar in our hotel in Kildare. After the initial hassle of trying to book them a year ago which involved a lot of phone calls, we found them lovely to deal with. We were supposed to have a registrar from the Kildare office and I had talked to one of the two registrars in that office in February to make sure they were happy with our ceremony layout. However a week before our wedding, they said someone from the Dublin office would be marrying us. I'm not sure why they changed it but it all worked out well and the Dublin registrar loved our ceremony layout and even said we can add in extra songs or readings if we wanted.

So, on to the day itself! We were both getting ready in the hotel, our ceremony was at 3.30 so we had a really relaxing morning. The registrar came up to my room to meet me about half an hour beforehand and make sure everything was ok, then she met my husband and put his mind at ease as he was quite nervous apparently!
My original worry when I got the HSE ceremony layout was how strict they appeared to be on timing, but it wasn't like that at all on the day. As long as we had the legal part in the ceremony with no music playing while we were saying our vows and of course no religious references, the HSE were happy enough! I was about 5 minutes late (a longer walk from the room than I thought!), we chose music for the beginning, signing of the register and the end. We had two readings (The Art of Marriage and Blessing of the Hands if anyone wants to google!), and we also had a Sand Ceremony where the registrar read out a passage on what that meant.
The whole ceremony was about 15-20 minutes, everyone said it was lovely and very "us" (although I do know nobody would tell us if they hated it!), a few people have said they'll definitely be having a civil ceremony after seeing ours so that's nice!

I hope I haven't rambled on too much but I remember this time last year being a bit worried about booking with the HSE so I just wanted to come back and say I'd highly recommend them. Although hopefully now with the Humanists being allowed to legally marry, there will be a lot more options in the future for couples that don't want a church wedding!

daenerysstormborn3

Just to add to the debate, Humanists can carry out the legal part of the marriage ceremony. We are getting married in August, having a humanist ceremony and have been assured that the solemniser can look after the legal part also.

doriansmith

pixiebean22 wrote: »

Just to add to the debate, Humanists can carry out the legal part of the marriage ceremony. We are getting married in August, having a humanist ceremony and have been assured that the solemniser can look after the legal part also.

Last I heard Brian Whiteside has recently been added to the Register but none of the other Humanist celebrants had yet. Are you being married by Brian or have the others now been registered too?

Suaimhneach

Does anyone know about placement of the registrar? I want to have a non-traditional room lay out, but I heard the registrar needs to face the room?

I want something like:
=Us facing the room
=Registrar facing us
=Room facing us

so basically, the registrar has their butt to the people.

Thanks!

Gatica

that's a great idea After all, it's about you not them!
I can't imagine why they'd object other than having people stare at their back-side.

daenerysstormborn3

doriansmith wrote: »

Last I heard Brian Whiteside has recently been added to the Register but none of the other Humanist celebrants had yet. Are you being married by Brian or have the others now been registered too?

I'm talking about a spiritual, non-denominational ceremony, that the likes of Tom Colton does, I'm not sure if there is a difference.

Suaimhneach

pixiebean22 wrote: »

I'm talking about a spiritual, non-denominational ceremony, that the likes of Tom Colton does, I'm not sure if there is a difference.

They're both solemnisers, as in the state says "you are legally allowed to ask these three questions and sign a document that is legal binding for marriage".

However, Tom Colton does that AND a spiritual ceremony. Humanist Ireland does that and a humanist ceremony.

Spiritual: Depends on your persuasion I guess, I think he may adapt it per person, but it's usually not a catholic god/ceremony alternative.
Humanist: Secular wedding, no mention of god or spirituality.

For what it's worth, Brian did my brother in law's wedding and he was really good natured, funny and sweet. I am sure Humanist Ireland are trying to register more people, the state is making them jump hoops.

Mac0783

As for readings, obviously religious texts are out but there's a lot of good stuff out there... we actually had three cos I snuck in a short third:

Extract from Les Miserables by Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885)

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.
The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness.
We pardon to the extent that we love.
Love is knowing that even when you are alone, you will never be lonely again.
And great happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.
Loved for ourselves.
And even loved in spite of ourselves.[/QUOTE]

that is beautiful, definitely, definitely including that somewhere. thanks