Really down and lost over breakup

sam1111

Hi,

I very recently broke up with my long term girlfriend. We'd been together for 7 years and then a couple of days ago she ended things with me. She wanted to be care free and single. It came as a huge shock as only 2 days previous we were making big plans together which she was pushing and all excited about. I don't know where this has come from, she says she is confused but she knows this is what she wants. I obviously have no choice but to accept it.

I'm shocked and really down about things. The problem is I've moved halfway across the world for this girl and then this happens. I'm now in a country where I have very few friends and tied down to a job. I feel really alone and trapped. I just don't know where to turn or what to do. I know people break up every day of the week and I should just man up and get on with it but I've never felt this down before. My chest hurts and I feel so lonely.

I'm not really sure what I want to achieve by coming on here, I suppose I needed to turn somewhere for support. Thanks for listening

Sam

Curlyhatescurls

Hi Sam,
This is a very difficult time for you, and it's not as simple as 'manning up' and getting over it. You have given seven years of your life to this person and I'm sure have built your future around them. But there was a Sam before this girl, a fully rounded and functioning individual. I am in a long-term relationship myself and there is a danger of losing yourself and becoming 'a couple'. You begin thinking that you can only be happy when you are with this person so when they leave everything you have imagined for your future collapses around you. You might not even remember how to be happy on your own. It's really important that you realise there is a world of opportunities and happiness out there for Sam as an individual, a person in his own right. While time heals your broken heart you should remember who you were before this relationship and remember that this relationship, although has left you a mess now may have taught you a number of things.

You should be 'selfish' now and do stuff for you. If everything is reminding you of her, why not make a drastic change to your life, can you change jobs or move home, start a new hobby, meet new people, make a new set of friends?

I am so sorry for your pain right now, but stay strong, as the above poster said, the pain will pass and you just have to remember that now.

pigman2000

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

You have given seven years of your life to this person

dangerous thing to say in general - OP don't hang onto this thought by curls, being in a relationship isn't a commodity, it cannot be quantified by time or space or magnitude.

don't contact her - stay strong mate

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I'm so sorry for your situation. I've been there and I can still remember how awful it was - from the physical pain to the mental anguish.

It is not about manning up - it shows you are human that you are this hurt - she was your companion for seven years - that's a lifetime - what you are feeling is normal, don't beat yourself up about it.

My break up came as a complete shock too - but now that I see things in better perspective, there were signs that I chose to ignore, you may realise them in time to come.

My biggest problem was that I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better - it is cliched but time is really the only thing that comes through in the end - it was really frustrating.

It took me the guts of a year to be happy again - don't expect to feel better for some time, let yourself wallow to a certain extent, then one day you will get really sick of wallowing, and obsessing over the past, and you will naturally start making steps to help you move on, e.g. new hobbies, exercise, etc.

I agree with the last poster - is there any way you could move ?
If home is not a possibility perhaps another country? Not immediately but in the near future - it could be just what you need to get over this. Even if you have to downgrade jobs - it could be worth it if everything in this new country you are in reminds you of time you spent with her.

Unfortunately there isn't much I can say to make you feel better but there are a few pieces of advice that I received that really helped me so I will share them with you.

1. Some days, when you're feeling badly, a distraction is better than talking.

I found going out drinking especially was not a suitable distraction for me, drink brings up feelings, and even if there was no alcohol involved, just meeting a friend for a coffee, it wouldnt be good because I could not help myself from obsessing - which is pretty boring for the other person - and only brings me down further.

So things like watching a movie, taking an exercise class, yoga (this is especially good because mediation is soothing) are much better because your mind is so busy following instructions that you cannot think about it. I found reading excellent, because you have to focus completely on the book so you cannot think about things that are bothering you.

2. Exercise helped me massively, i always exercised but I really upped the ante post break up, it gave me confidence and much needed endorphins. Even if it's only a walk (but running is great) try to do some every day, if this is the only thing you do.

3. There is an element of mental discipline involved. Some days - even weeks after it happened - I would spend the whole day thinking of it. So I would try to dedicate an hour to thinking about it, writing out everything I felt, then put the journal away and get on with my day. Every time it crept into my mind, I would think no, I've already thought about that earlier and I'm not going to think about it again, or write it down quickly and say I will think about it during my hour tomorrow. Obviously most of the time this didn't work but it's a good aspiration especially if you feel that. Also, sign a contact to yourself - even if it's a mental one - not to check facebook, friends facebook - or any other sources of information - it will only bring you down.

4. Don't go out on the pull. I'm female but I've seen with my friends who are male post break up - the lads will all say 'oh come on you'll be over her in no time lets go to X bar and get you a woman'. It's really the only socially acceptable way for an Irish lad's lad to deal with a break up!

But it is likely to upset you further - the chances are the rebound girl will not live up to your girlfriend and it will only make you miss her more. I was very glad I did not so much as kiss anyone for months. I knew if I did it would only make me feel more lonely. It might work when you're 18 but I'm assuming you're mid 20s or older - and a bit of a thinker, given the fact you posted here - so it is not the best solution for you.

5. If you're really bad go to counselling. No shame in it, it's so taboo but I think it's funny it's perfectly acceptable to spend 100 euro on booze on a night out to get over a break up - but not to go to a counselling session. Which is most likely to make you feel better in the long term? If nothing else it is impartial perspective on the break up and it will give you an outlet other than wrecking your friends heads with over analysing everything. And no one has to know you went anyway.

6. I didn't believe people when they told me I would feel better and none of the reasons why we broke up would matter to me one day. I wished for it - I just thought the pain was so bad that would never be possible. But, it did. If you keep the no contact rule, it comes, I promise.


I hope these are of some use to you. I really wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. But it is important to remember - I'm guessing you would never do this to your ex girlfriend (you probably aren't at the stage where you can even call her ex yet) you must consider that she did not feel the same way if she did it to you. And you deserve the kind of love where this wouldnt be an option. You said she was really excited planning for the future a few days before - this was similar to my situation - but words are cheap. I really believe that things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be then it will work out. A couple of years from now, you will probably be in a better relationship, as hard as that may be to comprehend, and you will look back and laugh about how you thought it was the end of your world.
You've lost a woman who considered you disposable, she's lost a man who probably would have done anything for her - who has the greater loss here? Chin up OP.

Lorna123

sam1111 wrote: »

Hi,

I very recently broke up with my long term girlfriend. We'd been together for 7 years and then a couple of days ago she ended things with me. She wanted to be care free and single. It came as a huge shock as only 2 days previous we were making big plans together which she was pushing and all excited about. I don't know where this has come from, she says she is confused but she knows this is what she wants. I obviously have no choice but to accept it.

I'm shocked and really down about things. The problem is I've moved halfway across the world for this girl and then this happens. I'm now in a country where I have very few friends and tied down to a job. I feel really alone and trapped. I just don't know where to turn or what to do. I know people break up every day of the week and I should just man up and get on with it but I've never felt this down before. My chest hurts and I feel so lonely.

I'm not really sure what I want to achieve by coming on here, I suppose I needed to turn somewhere for support. Thanks for listening

Sam

I can't really add anything more to the good advice already given but I just want to say that I really feel for you, breaking up can be one of the most painful experiences of a lifetime. Really hoping that you feel better soon. You never know maybe a break for a few weeks will have her crawling back to you again. I really hope so. She has been with you for a very long time and maybe she just wants to do something different for a while. Have you discussed the future with this girl, I am presuming that you have because you know sometimes girls break up with guys who are too slow at popping the question and she might feel that if you thought you were losing her you might buck up. She could feel that 7 years is long enough to spend with someone and not know what the future holds. Just a thought. Best of Luck.

sam1111

Thanks for all the really helpful replies. They're really appreciated.

I'm from Ireland, moved down to Australia to be with this girl. So if I go back it's likely I will have no job and no income. I left my job in Ireland to come here as we had our future planned out here together. Got offered a good job here and I committed to a long term lease and visa. But I'm not concerned about them to be honest. It just feels like I wasted so much of my life for nothing. I made so many decisions based on us as a couple and I feel like I've ruined my life and lost my best friend at the same time. I know that sounds sappy.

I agree with the no contact. How will I get over her or move on if I'm still in contact. The last time I spoke to her (yesterday) I asked her to please respect my need for space and not contact me. She has since text me and said, she is really sorry and that she really wishes it hadn't come to this. That she will miss me and all that, wishing me all the best and that I deserved someone who treated me better. I couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say back so I just left it. I've never felt this low. Part of me is hoping she'll come round, it was all very sudden but part of me realises she's gone for good. I can't imagine my life without her.

I know I need to keep myself as busy as possible, I'll need to take up a hobby as my friends here all have girlfriends and I don't want to be around in theirs every evening after work pestering them.

BraziliaNZ

sam1111 wrote: »

I've never felt this low. Part of me is hoping she'll come round, it was all very sudden but part of me realises she's gone for good. I can't imagine my life without her.

Sorry for your situation. She wont come around though, they never do. She's gone I'm afraid, hard to imagine I know. You are already living life without her, so you'll be fine. I moved for someone last year, dumped soon afterwards, I was probably as bad as you were at the time but now when I look back I realise it probably never would have worked out anyway, and that she wasn't really what I wanted. Now I'm just enjoying life on my own, and it's great. You could be in far worse places than Australia. I don't expect you to be out there enjoying yourself for a while, but just don't contact the ex, she's not going to help you, it's far easier for her with her being the dumper, she's obviously doing it for reasons. Sooner or later you will feel a lot better, and you'll get used to being on your own again, but it'll take months. You'll come out the bigger man though.

Starokan

Break ups are really tough especially when your together so long and most friends etc are ones you had in common.

Having said that, your attitude is spot on as regards no contact, this is the critical thing that will bring you through this tough time. The key thing is to occupy yourself as much as you can, what makes break ups really hard is the mind dwelling on the past which is utterly pointless. The way to stop that happening is to occupy yourself as much as you can.

Exercise is a super way to do this and there is the added benefit of looking and feeling good about yourself.

Also don't be afraid to talk about what you are feeling either online or in real life, there is no shame in being upset at all

sam1111

It was just so sudden and out of the blue. I'm still in shock. Feel like I've lost a big part of me and it's worse that I'm feeling sorry for myself. Part of me thinks I should fight for her, try and win her back. If she was so keen on making plans for our future just a few days ago, surely she couldn't have fallen out of love that quickly. She has said she is confused and her head is all over the place so maybe she needs me to show her that we are right for each other. My gut feeling has always told me that she was the one for me.

She does suffer from depression and her mood is up and down a lot. I've always tried to be supportive and if she got angry at me or reacted over the top to things I tried to understand. Part of me is thinking this may have something to do with it, but maybe I'm looking for excuses or reasons. I don't know but it sure feels wrong to just give up and walk away without a fight, especially when I feel this low without her.

BraziliaNZ

sam1111 wrote: »

It was just so sudden and out of the blue. I'm still in shock. Feel like I've lost a big part of me and it's worse that I'm feeling sorry for myself. Part of me thinks I should fight for her, try and win her back. If she was so keen on making plans for our future just a few days ago, surely she couldn't have fallen out of love that quickly. She has said she is confused and her head is all over the place so maybe she needs me to show her that we are right for each other. My gut feeling has always told me that she was the one for me.

She does suffer from depression and her mood is up and down a lot. I've always tried to be supportive and if she got angry at me or reacted over the top to things I tried to understand. Part of me is thinking this may have something to do with it, but maybe I'm looking for excuses or reasons. I don't know but it sure feels wrong to just give up and walk away without a fight, especially when I feel this low without her.

but she dumped you, why should you be chasing after her? Leave the ball in her court. She didnt fall out of love with you overnight, it has been happening for a long time probably. She was probably noticing herself being attracted to other men, and losing interest in you for longer than you might want to think.
As for the plans she was making - my ex was talking about kids the day before she dumped me, don't read into it too much.
She's gone, accepting that is your first step towards recovery.

Lorna123

sam1111 wrote: »

It was just so sudden and out of the blue. I'm still in shock. Feel like I've lost a big part of me and it's worse that I'm feeling sorry for myself. Part of me thinks I should fight for her, try and win her back. If she was so keen on making plans for our future just a few days ago, surely she couldn't have fallen out of love that quickly. She has said she is confused and her head is all over the place so maybe she needs me to show her that we are right for each other. My gut feeling has always told me that she was the one for me.

She does suffer from depression and her mood is up and down a lot. I've always tried to be supportive and if she got angry at me or reacted over the top to things I tried to understand. Part of me is thinking this may have something to do with it, but maybe I'm looking for excuses or reasons. I don't know but it sure feels wrong to just give up and walk away without a fight, especially when I feel this low without her.

I would not be too quick to run after her just yet. She is confused and her head is all over the place so you won't get anywhere and if she gives you the same answer you will feel worse. She needs time to think and so do you. All is not lost yet and this could still have a happy ending, but don't panic. It is a knock back for your confidence but from what I have read about you you are well capable of getting over this, you went to Australia, got yourself a good job and accommodation. All of this tells me that you have your head screwed on and this is just a blip that will pass.
Best of Luck.

LegacyUser

One thing I wanted to add! I remember that my gut told me, every day, I could fight for this and win my ex around. It was such a strong gut feeling I was sure I was right, luckily, friends stopped me and THANK GOD. Now I can see things in better perspective it would have only led to further rejection and humiliation for me. It's funny because I was so sure it was the right thing to do. Do not trust your gut for at least 6 months, if not longer!

I'm sorry if this is harsh but you need it:
She already knows you want to get back together.
She has your number, your address, she is choosing not to call you.
Even if she did change her mind and want to get back together, she will come to that decision quicker if she thinks you are getting on with life, not pining for her.

Also, consider, things can never go back to the way they were before. Even if you guys got back together tomorrow, could you completely forget this ever happened and feel secure in the relationship like you did the day before it happened? Your answer to this might be yes right now, but think about it over time and you may realise otherwise.

If I were you, I would be on the internet looking up different destinations, even within Australia, to move to. Especially because all of your friends are couples, when you are feeling better in a few weeks, months, it may be just what you need to throw yourself into a new city and meet new people. I know lots of people who have even gone abroad on their own and they end up making lots of new, great friends - and romances -because you are forced to put yourself out there socially when you go it alone, as scary as that may seem. I imagine this is no where on your agenda at the moment but it's something to think about in the weeks/months to come when you start to look toward the future.

It may be hard to see right now but perhaps life is throwing you an opportunity in the long run. It might not seem like it now but you're bigger than this.

Lorna123

advice101again wrote: »

She already knows you want to get back together.
She has your number, your address, she is choosing not to call you.
Even if she did change her mind and want to get back together, she will come to that decision quicker if she thinks you are getting on with life, not pining for her.

.

Excellent advice, couldn't agree more

sam1111

She called last night, crying on the phone saying she was sorry and that she had made a big mistake. I told her I needed to think about it as she had hurt me so much.

I then replied today saying we should meet up and talk about what happened at least and she has no interest again. Saying she's still confused, needs her space and she thinks we have run our course.

This has put me in a really bad way. I don't understand why she called saying she was so upset and that she made such a big mistake and then change her mind the next day. It's just dragging it all out

Lorna123

sam1111 wrote: »

She called last night, crying on the phone saying she was sorry and that she had made a big mistake. I told her I needed to think about it as she had hurt me so much.

I then replied today saying we should meet up and talk about what happened at least and she has no interest again. Saying she's still confused, needs her space and she thinks we have run our course.

This has put me in a really bad way. I don't understand why she called saying she was so upset and that she made such a big mistake and then change her mind the next day. It's just dragging it all out

Looks to me like she rang to see how you were coping and to see if you had moved on. When she discovered you were still interested she backed out again knowing time was still on her side. Next time she calls tell her you need a proper break and not to call you for a month. Then don't let her know what you have decided to do until you meet her, tell her nothing over the phone. If she is still undecided after a month then let her go.

sam1111

It certainly feels like that. She was so upset and as soon as she saw I was still interested she went the other way. I don't understand what she's playing at. It's messing with my head so much though. If she gets in touch again I'm just gonna not reply. I don't think I can deal with things being so up and down. I was very tempted to just show up unannounced, that way she has to deal with it head on. Would it be a complete no no to force myself on her and ask for a proper explanation, I still feel her telling me all this over the phone just wasn't good enough.

Again, thanks for all the advice, it's really helping me through it all

Lorna123

sam1111 wrote: »

It certainly feels like that. She was so upset and as soon as she saw I was still interested she went the other way. I don't understand what she's playing at. It's messing with my head so much though. If she gets in touch again I'm just gonna not reply. I don't think I can deal with things being so up and down. I was very tempted to just show up unannounced, that way she has to deal with it head on. Would it be a complete no no to force myself on her and ask for a proper explanation, I still feel her telling me all this over the phone just wasn't good enough.

Again, thanks for all the advice, it's really helping me through it all

Did she not give you a full explanation the first day she told you she wanted to breakup? Have you ever broken up before? 7 years is a long time to be dating someone. Maybe she just wants a break for a short while, a lot of couples do that and then get back together. It might be better not to turn up on her doorstep but give it a month without any contact and then you could contact her and just ask if this is a final break or what. I am a bit surprised that she doesn't want to meet up for a chat. How can she say in one breath that she made a mistake and then in the next that she thinks the relationship has run its course. Have you discussed marriage? Is she plugging for the relationship to move to the next level? All may not be lost yet, just leave it for a while longer. If she was sure that she didn't want you she would not have phoned you, so there is something still there.

sam1111

Thats what I was thinking, that was also my reasoning behind showing up at her doorstep. If she wasn't still interested why phone?!?

We've had our fights and that before but never broken up fully. Regarding the future, yes we've spoken about it and we've both wanted to get married and have kids, we agreed on pretty much all of that. I know that's not the issue.

She never gave a full explanation. Well not one that I would deem satisfactory after 7 years. All she said was, she was really confused, her head was all over the place but that she thought we had run our course. I tried to reason with her but she would not budge, she said she thought we were over. Then she called a couple of nights later saing she was so sorry for messing me around and that she had made a big mistake. Then the next day went back to square one again.

As I said she suffers from depression so her moods are often up and down. I don't know if that has anything to do with any of this. If I thought that by chasing her I had a chance of getting her back then I would, but I'm afraid if I do then she will always know that she can have me whenever she wants me.

Whats my best plan of action?

Forever Hopeful

sam1111 wrote: »

Thats what I was thinking, that was also my reasoning behind showing up at her doorstep. If she wasn't still interested why phone?!?

We've had our fights and that before but never broken up fully. Regarding the future, yes we've spoken about it and we've both wanted to get married and have kids, we agreed on pretty much all of that. I know that's not the issue.

She never gave a full explanation. Well not one that I would deem satisfactory after 7 years. All she said was, she was really confused, her head was all over the place but that she thought we had run our course. I tried to reason with her but she would not budge, she said she thought we were over. Then she called a couple of nights later saing she was so sorry for messing me around and that she had made a big mistake. Then the next day went back to square one again.

As I said she suffers from depression so her moods are often up and down. I don't know if that has anything to do with any of this. If I thought that by chasing her I had a chance of getting her back then I would, but I'm afraid if I do then she will always know that she can have me whenever she wants me.

Whats my best plan of action?

Sam,
Know your own value. Yes you were together 7 years but you moved to the other side of the world to be with her. Its not nice knowing that your ex suffers from depression but don't use that as an excuse to mistreat you.
Let her come to you but stop making it easy.
This pushing and pulling by her is coming from her insecurity. I don't know her but I would assume she thinks she doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone to want you either.
You know the phrase the best revenge (I know that's a tad strong) is living well. Nothing bothers the dumper more than when the dumpee moves on. (sorry for the terminology). She made the choice but not confident in it, you have no choice.
She will be back but she could wreck your head if you are not strong.
Sometimes we don't know what we have until we've lost it, and she doesn't know that yet and as soon as she thinks she's lost you, she'll show up.
Take the choice away from her. Enjoy your time in Oz (so jealous!!!) and see what happens down the line.
The only way you and your ex can ever reconcile is by spending a lot of time apart and being individuals. She needs to cop on.
Good luck

BraziliaNZ

sam1111 wrote: »

Thats what I was thinking, that was also my reasoning behind showing up at her doorstep. If she wasn't still interested why phone?!?

She phoned because you hadn't been in contact, and she is lonely. As soon as she was reassured that she could have you she got what she wanted and got back to doing what she wanted, i.e. living a life without you. She's not happy being alone either but it's reassuring for her to know that you are there pining for her and waiting like a puppy dog. What a bitch. But that's what immature people do when they dump people after long term relationships.

My ex called me 3 months after dumping me, I had ignored her texts and emails and phone calls. I was doing so well until then. She said - "You could have just let me know you were ok!!!", and I asked "Why, what would you do about it? Would you come and help me?". Of course she wouldn't. I stupidly then asked if she wanted to meet up, giving her power again, of course she didn't want to. It's all headf*cking mind games, don't buy into it.

As of now if she contacts you again - tell her straight out you don't want anymore contact, as it's pointless and only doing you more damage. Then you need to ignore everything from her for at least a year or so. By then you probably wont care if you ever hear from her again anyway.

LegacyUser

Hi Sam,

She called you when she was feeling lonely and unsure of herself and the future, but as soon as she saw the future with you was again a possibility, she changed her mind once more. You can't blame her for this - she probably is confused and doesn't know what she wants. But do you want to be with someone who doesn't know what she wants? You knew what you wanted - her - there were no ifs buts or maybes about it.

For her, she might want to be with you, might.
Ask yourself is that good enough? You're probably feeling quite low at the moment because of the rejection you've suffered, so your answer might be yes, but still, bear in mind, she took one long, hard look at your relationship, probably for months, even a year, and thought I'll try my luck elsewhere. For you, she is no.1 priority, for her, you are merely an option. Do you not deserve a bit better than that?

As for what to do - whether ye get back together or not, no contact is always the best option. I know, so well, it's hard to do, but it really is the only way. If she does realise she's made a big mistake and want to get back together, it will give her the space she needs to make that decision. If that doesn't happen, at least it'll save you from further humiliation, which you may not care about right now, but you will in the future.
It will also give YOU the space YOU need to see if you really want in or out of the relationship, you might not think you want this, but you could be surprised in time to come. As hard as it sounds, I would strongly suggest doing nothing and distracting yourself for at least a month. Sit on your hands if you have to!

sam1111

Thanks everyone for the responses, I don't know if you realise how much of a help they are.

I don't want to follow her around. She dumped me, I shouldn't be the one that has to make it right but in saying that if I knew the right thing to do or say then I wouldn't hesitate. I do anything to have her back. It's just really upsetting when I think back to a few days ago and we were making these plans together, now she's gone and I'm left here on the other side of the world, away from my family and friends. Surely if she had any idea of this a month ago she should have told me before I moved over.

My head is everywhere now, I feel mainly sad and lonely now. I'm starting to realise it is really over. I just wished that I didn't respond yesterday saying I wanted to meet up. I just put the ball back into her court and she now knows she can have me whenever she wants me.

IrishEyes19

sam1111 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the responses, I don't know if you realise how much of a help they are.

I don't want to follow her around. She dumped me, I shouldn't be the one that has to make it right but in saying that if I knew the right thing to do or say then I wouldn't hesitate. I do anything to have her back. It's just really upsetting when I think back to a few days ago and we were making these plans together, now she's gone and I'm left here on the other side of the world, away from my family and friends. Surely if she had any idea of this a month ago she should have told me before I moved over.

My head is everywhere now, I feel mainly sad and lonely now. I'm starting to realise it is really over. I just wished that I didn't respond yesterday saying I wanted to meet up. I just put the ball back into her court and she now knows she can have me whenever she wants me.

If you ask me, Sam, I think you are showing great restraint and don't worry, lad, you've held your head high. I remember my first boyfriend when I was a teenager and when he ended it things really suddenly, he played round about games over and over and when he texted after another one of his stunts, I went against my friends advice and text him back immediately every time.

Dont worry about texting back yesterday, its normal to want to meet up and discuss things over, its the mature way of doing things. But this head wreck thing about not knowing what she wants right now isn't fair if she persists on texting you ect. I would make it very clear if she text's again, that you want space for now and until she knows exactly where she stands, do not make commitments and then back out like she did when she said she made a mistake. Its not fair to you at all.

I know you're in a bad place right now. Seven years is a long time, of course its going to sting. And dont worry about about this whose in the control or where the ball lies ect....just worry about yourself. As other posters have said, she has all your contact details and she knows you. You have nothing to prove and you dont need to win her back. you have done nothing wrong here, so let her go her own way and you go yours for the time being. But whatever you do, dont allow yourself to be drawn into a manipulative game where she uses you when she is feeling down or wants a shoulder to cry on. Protect yourself for now.

sam1111

Ah, it's all such a mess, and it seems like it's all over nothing. She has got herself confused and lost for no reason. She's worried that by being in a relationship she will miss out on everything. I've tried to tell her that she won't be but I'm sure she will just have to learn the hard way.

I just feel like I let myself down by getting back in contact the following day. But if she calls again I will just let her know that I have no interest in speaking and that I am trying to move on with my life.

Cheers for all the great advice btw, it's been so helpful and made me see some sense. I now realise that even though I'd love to go and try and win her back, it'll only push her further away. I know she still loves me, I'm not sure what has happened to make her question it, but it looks like it's too far gone now

BraziliaNZ

sam1111 wrote: »

I know she still loves me, I'm not sure what has happened to make her question it, but it looks like it's too far gone now

She probably loves you yes, but to use the horrible cliche, she's not "in love" with you. Which means she wants to sleep with other people. Accepting these things is the only way to move forward so don't kidd yourself.

LegacyUser

Sam,

Please don't beat yourself up about getting in contact again. Like other posters said, you are doing so well, this is a truly awful thing to happen to you, if anything, I think the brief relay of contact was a good thing, when you think about it it really answered any questions you had about it, it was a good thing, you saw exactly what would happen if you did briefly reconcile. Imagine if you actually properly got back together and then she broke up with you again like this - that would be a disaster.
Don't let yourself get messed around - take at least a month no contact and see how you feel after that.

You might not be interested in other girls at the moment - but there are so many great girls out there and your eyes may be opened to that in months to come - you have your ex on a pedestal at the moment, that will pass. I literally did not so much as look at another guy when I was with my ex, and couldnt for months after we broke up, then slowly but surely I began to notice people i fancied - and now 2 years down the line I can now see how blinded I was -I've met some great guys! I saw my ex recently and thought jesus what the hell was I thinking! So what I'm saying is just bear this in mind when you think she is irreplaceable, because I know for me that was one of my issues - I thought no one could compare - but this is just all in your head because of the shock/rejection/lack of control over the situation.

Also, bear in mind you have done nothing here - you will have no regrets down the line. She made all the decisions here - she is the only one that can be left feeling remorse, be safe in the knowledge that you did all you could to save the relationship and were left with no other choice. Go easy on yourself- push any negative thinking out of your head- force it out- I'm sure you are a great guy and you will be happy again in the not too distant future - as hard as that is to believe.

Lorna123

sam1111 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the responses, I don't know if you realise how much of a help they are.

I don't want to follow her around. She dumped me, I shouldn't be the one that has to make it right but in saying that if I knew the right thing to do or say then I wouldn't hesitate. I do anything to have her back. It's just really upsetting when I think back to a few days ago and we were making these plans together, now she's gone and I'm left here on the other side of the world, away from my family and friends. Surely if she had any idea of this a month ago she should have told me before I moved over.

My head is everywhere now, I feel mainly sad and lonely now. I'm starting to realise it is really over. I just wished that I didn't respond yesterday saying I wanted to meet up. I just put the ball back into her court and she now knows she can have me whenever she wants me.

You do know the right thing to do and say. You stay away from all contact for a month and if you accidentally answer her call then just say that you would prefer not to discuss this until she knows exactly what she wants. If she says she is still confused then just say "okay, contact me when you have a clear head" and hang up.

Are you saying that you only moved over there a month ago?

Don't regret anything Sam, you did what you thought was right at the time and what anyone else would have done. You gave it your best shot. People who are right for one another should not be playing mind games and it doesn't matter at the moment whether she knows you are available or not, someone in a relationship for 7 years doesn't move on that quickly. It is really hard to be in this situation but the best way to feel better is to go out there and mix, go to the gym or play ball games, get away from brooding and you will feel a lot better quicker. I really hope there is a good outcome to all of this soon.;)

sam1111

Cheers again for the responses. Much appreciated.

That's the one thing I can take away from this. I did everything I could to make it work. She either has her friends telling her she would have more fun single or else she's interested in other men. Either way there's not much I can do about it. The thought of her with someone else is horrible but it's life, I have to come to terms with it. In saying that I would love to know if there is any chance she will come back or am I just being foolish???

In saying that, whenever I check my phone I keep hoping there's an sms or missed call from her. Just to know I'm wanted. She hasn't called since I made contact two days ago. Which is disappointing. I'm still angry about her calling a couple of nights ago, it feels like she did it just to mess with my head. She is acting like a completely different person, the woman I fell in love with wouldnt treat others this way, she'd soon come to her senses

Lorna123

sam1111 wrote: »

Cheers again for the responses. Much appreciated.

That's the one thing I can take away from this. I did everything I could to make it work. She either has her friends telling her she would have more fun single or else she's interested in other men. Either way there's not much I can do about it. The thought of her with someone else is horrible but it's life, I have to come to terms with it. In saying that I would love to know if there is any chance she will come back or am I just being foolish???

In saying that, whenever I check my phone I keep hoping there's an sms or missed call from her. Just to know I'm wanted. She hasn't called since I made contact two days ago. Which is disappointing. I'm still angry about her calling a couple of nights ago, it feels like she did it just to mess with my head. She is acting like a completely different person, the woman I fell in love with wouldnt treat others this way, she'd soon come to her senses

Any woman who is in love will not put her friends first. She may just want a break. Of course there is a chance that she will come back to you, but don't put everything on hold while you wait.

Don't feel unwanted just because this woman is unsure at the moment, you have everything that millions of women would love, you are kind, intelligent, and have your head screwed on. I'd say she is the one missing out at this stage, not you.

sam1111

Cheers Lorna,

It's nice to hear some positives. Yes, I need to get on with my life, can't wait around hoping she will re appear in my life again. There's been no contact in 3 days now so it's clear she is finished with me. Time to cut all ties and anything that reminds me of her.

Again, thanks everyone for all the helpful advice. I spent the last few days hoping she would call and tell me she wanted to work things out but if she couldn't pick up the phone in 3 days then it's very unlikely she has feelings for me or cares about me so I can't waste anymore time here.

EGAR

sam1111 wrote: »

Thanks for all the really helpful replies. They're really appreciated.

I'm from Ireland, moved down to Australia to be with this girl. So if I go back it's likely I will have no job and no income. I left my job in Ireland to come here as we had our future planned out here together. Got offered a good job here and I committed to a long term lease and visa. But I'm not concerned about them to be honest. It just feels like I wasted so much of my life for nothing. I made so many decisions based on us as a couple and I feel like I've ruined my life and lost my best friend at the same time. I know that sounds sappy.

I agree with the no contact. How will I get over her or move on if I'm still in contact. The last time I spoke to her (yesterday) I asked her to please respect my need for space and not contact me. She has since text me and said, she is really sorry and that she really wishes it hadn't come to this. That she will miss me and all that, wishing me all the best and that I deserved someone who treated me better. I couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say back so I just left it. I've never felt this low. Part of me is hoping she'll come round, it was all very sudden but part of me realises she's gone for good. I can't imagine my life without her.

I know I need to keep myself as busy as possible, I'll need to take up a hobby as my friends here all have girlfriends and I don't want to be around in theirs every evening after work pestering them.

Sam, I moved to Ireland donkey's years ago to be with the man I loved. He dumped me a week before the wedding because Mammy didn't like him to get hitched to a foreigner and an atheist to boot. I had no one here, knew no one, had no job (but wasn't totally broke as I had savings, not much but it got me by). I had two choices, leave Ireland and regret it for the rest of my life NOT having stuck it out, or toughen it out. I did the latter, the first few months killed me, I lost weight, wasted away to nothing until I fainted. After 8 weeks I told myself to cop on and get my act together.

16 years on and I am still here, have a beautiful 7 yro son, am in a relationship with his dad etc. I made my way and so can you. Give yourself some time to grief and then get on with your life. It's too short to get stuck in the past.

Paddy Bateman

sam1111 wrote: »

Hi,

I very recently broke up with my long term girlfriend. We'd been together for 7 years and then a couple of days ago she ended things with me. She wanted to be care free and single. It came as a huge shock as only 2 days previous we were making big plans together which she was pushing and all excited about. I don't know where this has come from, she says she is confused but she knows this is what she wants. I obviously have no choice but to accept it.

I'm shocked and really down about things. The problem is I've moved halfway across the world for this girl and then this happens. I'm now in a country where I have very few friends and tied down to a job. I feel really alone and trapped. I just don't know where to turn or what to do. I know people break up every day of the week and I should just man up and get on with it but I've never felt this down before. My chest hurts and I feel so lonely.

I'm not really sure what I want to achieve by coming on here, I suppose I needed to turn somewhere for support. Thanks for listening

Sam

If you have no kids or no mortgage then you are never tied to a job. Stop feeling sorry off yourself - you are young free and single and likely have a few quid judging by you comments re job. A lot more fish in the sexual sea as they say - just move on

Missy Moo Moo

Paddy Bateman wrote: »

sam1111 wrote: »

If you have no kids or no mortgage then you are never tied to a job. Stop feeling sorry off yourself - you are young free and single and likely have a few quid judging by you comments re job. A lot more fish in the sexual sea as they say - just move on

If it were as easy as "just moving on" then the OP wouldn't be posting here and no one would ever need to post on boards.

And as for him being tied to a job, I imagine he moved to Oz at great expense (visas etc). So he probably meant that he's not just going to pack it in after all that and is, as such, tied to a job. And he's not feeling sorry for himself, he's been through a break up of a 7 year relationship and an upheaval in terms of moving to the other side of the world in a very short space of time. Anyone would be down in his position.

OP, I feel for you, I really do. Let her miss you. It might take a bit of time for her to realise she misses you and you both need space at the moment. But like you said, it's important that you're not waiting around for her. I'm a great believer in the saying if you love somebody set them free. If they're yours they'll come back. If they don't, they were never yours.

I know it's hard to stay positive but try to focus on the positives. You're in fantastic country and have every chance to build a fantastic life over there. Focus on that for the moment to keep yourself busy. Start looking up social groups, classes, anything! Get out and get meeting people.

Best of luck OP

sam1111

Thanks Missy Moo Moo and everyone, appreciate the posts.

I can see where people are coming from with the moving on thing. They are right. Unfortunately it's not as easy as that, well not for me anyway. It's just everything was left so sudden. She never explained what changed her mind, why she wanted to have her space. Everything was good a a week or so ago. Then she called the next night crying, said she was sorry and that she didn't mean to mess me around like that. A day later and she was back to square one again. I tried to plead with her but to no avail. Did she just want me to chase her again? Do she just need space or is there someone else involved? I have so many unanswered questions. On top of that she hasn't contacted me in 4 days, I know I asked her to not contact me but what does that mean her not even sending an sms to see if I'm ok?? I'm so confused, all I know is I'm not going to contact her again and I need to move on with my life because it's evident she won't be contacting me again since she hasn't already

Lorna123

sam1111 wrote: »

Thanks Missy Moo Moo and everyone, appreciate the posts.

I can see where people are coming from with the moving on thing. They are right. Unfortunately it's not as easy as that, well not for me anyway. It's just everything was left so sudden. She never explained what changed her mind, why she wanted to have her space. Everything was good a a week or so ago. Then she called the next night crying, said she was sorry and that she didn't mean to mess me around like that. A day later and she was back to square one again. I tried to plead with her but to no avail. Did she just want me to chase her again? Do she just need space or is there someone else involved? I have so many unanswered questions. On top of that she hasn't contacted me in 4 days, I know I asked her to not contact me but what does that mean her not even sending an sms to see if I'm ok?? I'm so confused, all I know is I'm not going to contact her again and I need to move on with my life because it's evident she won't be contacting me again since she hasn't already

If you pleaded with this woman to change her mind and she hasn't then I am so sorry but you must read the writing on the wall. It is very very hard to move on and that is probably an understatement. It has to be one of the worst feelings in life.

To answer your questions:

No, she does not want you to chase her again, and don't do it, that will only make things worse:

She is not asking for more space to think things out. She already had 7 years:

It's irrelevant whether she has someone else or not:

She is not contacting you because she feels guilty and contacting you makes her feel uncomfortable:

It's not the end of the world Sam, you are a great guy and you will love again, you mark my words. It takes time to get over someone you have been with for 7 years, it can't be done in a week. So don't be hard on yourself. Wishing you every happiness for the future, you deserve it after this.

sam1111

Thanks Lorna,

Well I wouldn't say pleaded, that was probably the wrong word. I tried to talk some sense into her, she said she was really confused but that was 4 days ago. I agree that it's over. I don't think I could get over the pain she has caused me or pretend it hasn't happened. I suppose I just wanted some closure. I know that's an overused term but I genuinely don't know what happened.

I also thought she would be back in contact. She has always been indecisive with her choices in life, I thought this might have been another one of those times. And I don't know why she called me that night upset telling me she missed me

BraziliaNZ

sam1111 wrote: »

Thanks Lorna,

Well I wouldn't say pleaded, that was probably the wrong word. I tried to talk some sense into her, she said she was really confused but that was 4 days ago. I agree that it's over. I don't think I could get over the pain she has caused me or pretend it hasn't happened. I suppose I just wanted some closure. I know that's an overused term but I genuinely don't know what happened.

I also thought she would be back in contact. She has always been indecisive with her choices in life, I thought this might have been another one of those times. And I don't know why she called me that night upset telling me she missed me

Sounds like she'll get in touch again I'd say. You need to be strong and ignore her from now on though, otherwise this will just drag out for you. I've lived in various places on my own and it's easy enough to meet people etc. You might be even more depressed if you moved home so try and make it down there for now, you're young etc.

sam1111

Thanks, I am going to try and stay here for as long as possible. After all i did leave a great job back home and the possibility of me getting employment at home are slim to none.

It's just hard in a new place without my family and friends but that's life, I have no option but to get on with it. I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed that she has left me here and made no effort to explain why.

mike0c

Hi Sam,

You need to try and move on with your life regardless of whether she gets back to you or not. From what you've said in your posts I do think she will get back in contact but at the same time what difference will that make. She has left it 4 days now, if she is confused or needed her space then 4 days is more than enough to find herself so it's just not acceptable.

At the end of the day it's your call but I wouldn't be in any hurry to take her back

cynder

Sam a friend of mine his girlfriend dumped him after 7 years, they were planning on getting married and so on, out of the blue she said it was over and that was that. The guy was heartbroken for 6 months or so and then after a year he met someone else, they now have a kid together and have been together for 5 years.



Life goes on, it may be hard for the foreseeable future but it will get better. Sometimes things happen you dont like, but they do open new doors. Some doors have some might good adventures waiting behind them be ready for them....

sam1111

I feel like I keep repeating myself but again thank you for the responses.

I think I'm starting to come to terms with it all, it was a crazy week for me. One in which not much else mattered but your honest responses have help and I hope ye all know how great it has been for the advice. She emailed me today out of the blue. She started by asking would I be able to send some stuff that I have to her sisters home. Then went on to tell me she was "really sorry how things ended" and that she "hopes one day I can forgive her".

I'm really annoyed at this, firstly cause she sends it by email and secondly it's an absolutely pointless message, I don't have her sisters address and she knows that, why didn't she include it. We had agreed I'd send it to her friends house. I really don't know why she emailed me but it annoyed me how she went about it

Missy Moo Moo

sam1111 wrote: »

I feel like I keep repeating myself but again thank you for the responses.

I think I'm starting to come to terms with it all, it was a crazy week for me. One in which not much else mattered but your honest responses have help and I hope ye all know how great it has been for the advice. She emailed me today out of the blue. She started by asking would I be able to send some stuff that I have to her sisters home. Then went on to tell me she was "really sorry how things ended" and that she "hopes one day I can forgive her".

I'm really annoyed at this, firstly cause she sends it by email and secondly it's an absolutely pointless message, I don't have her sisters address and she knows that, why didn't she include it. We had agreed I'd send it to her friends house. I really don't know why she emailed me but it annoyed me how she went about it

I know its hard but don't analyse the email, it will just drive you round the bend. Who knows what she's thinking, doubt she even knows herself.

My advice would be to reply and keep it civil and polite, don't acknowledge the bit about forgiveness etc. Just say "sure, send me your sisters address". Dont try and engage in any discussions. Just be brisk and business like.

sam1111

I replied by saying, "I'll do that, get your brother to send me on his address so I can send it". I hope that was ok?

It felt weird and wrong being like that with each other, especially when you consider she was the one making the plans to come here, getting all excited about it all. Constantly calling and texting...to go from that to this just doesn't make sense. She has dealt with this whole situation in such a bad way, so out of character. She is usually very uncertain about her life choices at the best of times but it's been a week now. I'm annoyed at this email and really disappointed with her in general, really doesn't seem like the girl I knew for seven years.

I am a friend

That response was perfect. Chin up - it will get better.

Missy Moo Moo

sam1111 wrote: »

I replied by saying, "I'll do that, get your brother to send me on his address so I can send it". I hope that was ok?

It felt weird and wrong being like that with each other, especially when you consider she was the one making the plans to come here, getting all excited about it all. Constantly calling and texting...to go from that to this just doesn't make sense. She has dealt with this whole situation in such a bad way, so out of character. She is usually very uncertain about her life choices at the best of times but it's been a week now. I'm annoyed at this email and really disappointed with her in general, really doesn't seem like the girl I knew for seven years.

That response was perfect. Not to sound bad but you don't want to come across as bitter and by the same token you don't want to come across over eager and friendly either. Best to be civil.

I know it hurts but I promise you, you will get over it and one day you'll be amazed at how you're over it. What the time stamp on that is is anyones guess but don't try and rush the grieving process, it's essential for your recovery. I went through a break up last year and it hurt like hell. He was, like your ex, all keen to begin with, making plans for the future and then overnight, it ended. I thought I'd never get over it but I'm amazed at how good I'm feeling now, especially when that seemed like an impossibility not so long ago.

As for how she's handling it, again that hurts like hell but not everyone is good at handling break ups. Just be glad and proud that you've handled it well and with dignity.

sam1111

A text from her late last night asking if I got the mail. I know she got my response so I have no idea why she sent it, I didn't text back anyway, but it feels like she's trying to mess with my head.

I'm just going to continue to ignore her. She's just not worth the response the way she's treated me.

I am a friend

sam1111 wrote: »

A text from her late last night asking if I got the mail. I know she got my response so I have no idea why she sent it, I didn't text back anyway, but it feels like she's trying to mess with my head.

I'm just going to continue to ignore her. She's just not worth the response the way she's treated me.

Oh seriously she is turning out to be a total head wreck. She wants your attention for an ego boost but on her terms. You are doing the right thing by ignoring her. If she keeps texting I would reply eventually and ask her to stop contacting you and to move on with her life :rolleyes:

Dont get in any way emotional with her. its time for her to feel the repercussions of her decision and the best way for that to happen is to ignore her and to appear like you have moved on. thats the best 'closure' you can get.

you are doing great - keep it up.

sam1111

I have no interest in responding. I just can't understand why she thinks that it's ok to do this when I asked her not to? I think she is showing her true colours now. After 7 years she ends it with very little explanation and no dialogue and then a week goes by and I get an email and a text. That's pretty shi*ty in my opinion

I am a friend

sam1111 wrote: »

I have no interest in responding. I just can't understand why she thinks that it's ok to do this when I asked her not to? I think she is showing her true colours now. After 7 years she ends it with very little explanation and no dialogue and then a week goes by and I get an email and a text. That's pretty shi*ty in my opinion

Exactly - she is behaving very badly. You deserve an explanation and you also deserve to have no contact if you so choose. She is ignoring what you want on all levels.

She probably wont give you an honest reason so dont bother asking. Just tell her again, if she contacts you that you have no interest in staying in contact with her. Its only to make herself feel less guilty and for an ego boost to be honest.

LegacyUser

It's not right at all she is doing this. It is so selfish and really is a true reflection of her character. But, seeing her in this light will actually help you to move on. We can have awful rose-coloured glasses for someone. You dodged a bullet here OP, it might have been 7 years but at least you didnt waste another one. You deserve a woman who would never let you down, not an insecure girl who can't make up her mind. I agree with the above poster that you are handling it so well - not everyone would be able to not cave in so well done.

By the way - don't let this make you disillusioned with relationships in general - not everyone would do this. Be prepared for the fact that she will probably contact you more and more the more you ignore her, it seems to be going this way - and have a plan to deal with it. It just goes to show you how little she is considering your feelings by doing this.

Damn right that a sh*ty email and a text is not good enough - it's the cowardly way of making sure that you are still an option for her. If she really gave a damn she would pick up the phone and call you.

Honestly, you could spend days, weeks, months and years trying to figure out why she was so full on one minute, dumping you the next, and contacting you afterwards to keep you hanging on, but you will never find a solid answer you will be happy with. Chances are she has absolutely no idea herself! All you need to know is that it happened, and it is not good enough, her feelings were not strong enough if she could do this, that is all you need to know. You still may be analysing it for a few more months but eventually it won't matter why, gauranteed.

Go easy on yourself for the next while...treat yourself somehow over the weekend, you will come out the better for this, and you can hold your head up high with how you behaved in the relationship, she cannot say the same.

sam1111

Right, I was ok and going strong but she's after posting a very weird status on facebook and two pictures of a new guy, she has also just added him as a friend. She's definitely drunk posting this, I can tell by her status, which is 100% out of character of her(the status part). To be honest I'm close to cracking inside...my stomach is in knots. By the looks of the status and all that she is with this guy which is killing me. I don't know what to do, I know it seems like something childish to be upset over but it's hard to pretend it's not there