Pregnant- Boyfriend left and moved to new country

Izzybee123

Hi,
I'm just looking for a bit of perspective from those who have maybe had to deal with something similiar- or just want to give their two cents! I'm at the point where I'm really beginning to question my decisions.
Here goes!

I'm in my 20's have a college degree, am working etc so I am in quite a stable situation. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with my first and I became single around 12 weeks into my pregnancy- I found out at 7 weeks and told my boyfriend
(We had a great relationship as far as I was concerned sure we had had our issues but we were planning on moving abroad together in the near future so I felt we had a commitment- in fact he was always the one who was more into planning for our future together.)
we decided quite quickly that I would get an abortion- its not legal in the country I live in so we would have to travel and we made plans to do so. Things started to get a bit strained, I was desperately sick with morning sickness and would come home from work and just sleep and vomit until the next day so needless to say we weren't functioning as we normally would have. I went away for a couple days to get some space and just relax and do some thinking- I came back not wanting to go ahead with the abortion. He had always said he would support me if I changed my mind and I was certain he was a good guy so I felt safe with this decision.

Anyways, when I got back from my couple days away he was distant- he actually asked me if I could stay at the house I had just started renting rather than ours (He was due to leave in a few months- a few months earlier than I was so it made sense to start renting when the opportunity came up for a decent place) I hadnt moved anything in to that house yet so I packed a bag- he said it was only for one night and there was nothing to worry about so I didnt think much of it until he didnt ask me to come back to our house (which was his house that I was living in so I didnt have a real right to it) and started being very distant and wouldnt meet up etc. I should point out I hadn't told him yet that I had changed my mind about keeping the baby.

So, I managed to catch him on facebook chat while I was at work (I know, not the ideal form of communication but he wouldnt meet up to talk) and I told him I changed my mind, within 5 minutes he had ended things with me. For reasons that Im still unclear about... But this isnt a post mortem of our relationship, its just a back story.



So things ended- he still moved away (a 12 hour flight away) I stayed where I was and ended up moving in with my mom for a few months- not for financial reasons, its been a very difficult pregnancy and I couldn't handle it by myself. When he originally went away we would swap emails- I would be horrible to him, very much so, and Im sure I said things that I didnt mean and were just said for effect. But he did as well, so this went back and forward until the month of December where I decided to give him a chance and try and see things from his point of view.

Until I couldn't handle that perspective anymore- bottom lime he left me alone while pregnant and I couldnt forgive that... I was defending him to other people, but thats not right- I do have a right to be angry dont I? He's off having fun in a new country and building a life for himself somewhere else.

My point is, He wants to be civil, he wants to be involved with the child- but I dont know how this is possible with him living abroad. Im not sure how we can come back from this and parent together. At the moment I dont want him to be involved, I dont understand how he can say he loves this child when he wont make any sacrifices for him. I might be letting my own personal feelings for him cloud my judgement. Ive 10 weeks left of the pregnancy and I just dont know how to get to a place where I can trust him to be a father.

So sorry this is so long and I probably haven't even made the right point, thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

as a mother i say this in the nicest way possible

you do not have the right to deny your child their father regardless of your relationship him

I am a friend

He is incredibly selfIsh.

He finished with you over facebook and then moved 12 hours away from his (future) child.

I dont think it's right to keep a child from it's father but I would not he doing this guy any favours. Tell him you will let him know when the baby is born and cut all contact with him in the meantime - you don't need the additional stress.

Then once the baby is born see how you feel. I suspect given his behaviour to date that he likes the idea of being involved but doubt he will be much addition.

Katgurl

He sounds awful and fair play to you, you've really had a lot to deal with. Getting dumped on fb, told to move out, unplanned pegnancy, seriously it's rough and you've managed remarkably well.

Anyway I wouldn't be making any excuses for him or doing him any favours.

I assume you don't want to deny your child knowing his or her father but he will have to make some enormous changes.

You have every right to feel angry. And remember being parents together does not mean you have to like him, you need to work out a way of making a system work.

See how things unfold. You don't need to make any rash decisions. If he's stressing you out, ignore him. Look after yourself and the baby. You never know, your ex might grow up and cop onto himself. But he might not. So don't rely on him for anything.

And congratulations and the very best of luck :):)

ihsb

I am a friend wrote: »

He is incredibly selfIsh.

He finished with you over facebook and then moved 12 hours away from his (future) child.

I dont think it's right to keep a child from it's father but I would not he doing this guy any favours. Tell him you will let him know when the baby is born and cut all contact with him in the meantime - you don't need the additional stress.

Then once the baby is born see how you feel. I suspect given his behaviour to date that he likes the idea of being involved but doubt he will be much addition.

I agree up to a point. Your relationship with him is over... he does not need to be able to contact you through the pregnancy. As someone without a father though... I would say that the best thing to do is keep him in your babies life. Keep his parents involved and everything like that. Send him photos, skype etc. Your relationship is over but the babies relationship with him is only starting.

He sounds very immature so you have to protect your baby; I understand that but he could end up being an amazing father, just a rubbish boyfriend.

Good luck!

dixiefly

I agree with most responses here. He has been proven to be an absolute prat and finishing with you on Facebook 5 minutes after you telling him a decision that was very difficult for you is unforgivable. That said, you should keep him some way involved in the child's life - and get some sort of regular maintenance for the child if you can stomach getting anything off him.

Is there a chance that he felt he was trapped? Was contraception your responsibility within the relationship? I know it is both parties responsibility but I was just querying what went wrong as it doesnt sound as if this child was planned.

WhyGoBald

You have every right to feel angry and resentful at this man's treatment of you, but please try and separate his behaviour towards you from his future role as a father. Even at the best of times, the issue of pregnancy and children can test and break relationships, and you won't be the first to have to grit your teeth and be nice to a former partner for the sake of your child. Who knows, he may turn out to be a decent parent, if mostly absent. I would consider consulting a solicitor or family law centre about maintenance and access arrangements in your particular situation and discuss them with him.

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like he was building up to finishing with you anyway, regardless of what you told him on FB. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Would you prefer he stayed with you "just because you were pregnant"?

I think its bad form for him to move to another country, but that's his choice, I suppose.

You can hate him as much as you like but, the reality is for the rest of your life, you have a tie to him. You are both parents to this baby, and you will both still be parents to him when he is a teenager, and an adult etc.

So you have to find away to deal with him.

It's crappy what he did, and you have every right to be annoyed at him. But at the end of the day, this is never going to be a normal breakup where you can cut contact and never have to deal with him again. This is a breakup but you are still attached. So you both have to figure out how to work that.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby. Regardless of everything else that is going on, those first few minutes when you "meet" your baby.... nothing can compare to that feeling!

Lola18

My mum was in a similar situation when she had me, only 19 and when she told my father he moved to England I know it's not as far but same kind of situation.
I think that you should just let him know when you have the baby and tell him if he wants to be in his child's life he needs to make the effort to make sure he is.
If he choses not to be a part in the baby's life however I would try to keep contact details for him or his sister or someone so that if you child ever reaches an age were they want to meet him they can get in contact. My mum done this and I decided I wanted to know my father. It was great that I could get in contact so quickly.
Best of luck with everything,
Just remember it's him that needs to make the effort once the baby is born as it was him that chose to leave! X

silly

asamother wrote: »

as a mother i say this in the nicest way possible

you do not have the right to deny your child their father regardless of your relationship him

As a mother, I say this, you have every right to protect your child from heartbreak. I'm sorry I didn't, and every event in my daughters life, birthdays, Christmas, her communion, is a struggle, a heartbreaking one.
You need to decide if this guy is stable enough to have a healthy relationship with your child, and keep it healthy for the next 18 yrs ( when your child will be old enough to make decisions regarding his/her father)
To be honest, breaking up with you via Facebook? Abandoning you with such disrespect when you are pregnant and obviously going through a hard time with sickness. Doesn't seem like a very stable guy to me.

WhyGoBald

silly wrote: »

To be honest, breaking up with you via Facebook? Abandoning you with such disrespect when you are pregnant and obviously going through a hard time with sickness. Doesn't seem like a very stable guy to me.

I absolutely disagree with this advice. Now is not the time to preemptively decide that the child's father is not worthy when he has not had the chance to prove himself as a father. He has said he wants to be involved. To deny access because of actions that have nothing to do with the child is just punishing him. How is that fair to him or the child?

slowmoe

Op a friend of mine went through something unbelievably similar to what you're going through now. I feel so sorry for you, i wish i could give you a hug. Tbh i feel this is such a sensitive and important situation i think you really need to talk to people you can trust and not completely accept any one persons advice. When we get emotionally hurt it is natural that we lash out, but this man is the father of your child and will probably be in your life for the rest of your life. I'm going to tell you a little about what my friend did because as i said its a very similar situation and she is doing very well now and her child is a truly amazing and very emotionally stable child who is sociable, gets on well at school and other activities and is an all round perfect child, and i think thats down to my friend standing where you are now and choosing to completely separate her realationship with this man and her childs relationship and making a lot of sacrifices to be the best mother she could be....even though she still doesn't see what a fantastic job she does.

She decided if people asked her about the father that she would just say she's was very upset/emotional and didn't want to discuss it. Although its natural to want to lash out, she never wanted to make a hard situation worse for her child, or for her child to hear....your mum said x amount of horrible things about your dad...a few yrs later. She also knew that she was doing everything in her power to build a good life for her child and while the father had completely let her down and really destroyed her, she decided she would not let him take away what she was building for her child by having something to use to play the victim with.

I think if you look around at kids that didn't know their parents or one parent, 99% of the time there is a need in that child to find the parent/s. Its one thing if the parent doesn't want contact but i think your child would feel very resentful of you to find out at any stage in their lives that the reason their father wasn't around was because of your choice. It could undo all the sacrifices you've made for your child in their eyes.

While you have a right to cut contact with a jerk who hurt you, you don't have the right to make that decision for your child, even though it probably feels right now that it is your decision to make, its really not.

Even though the guy says that he wants contact now, he might not really, he might be saying that to make himself feel like less of a tool, he might be saying it believing he really will or trying to appease you/his family, or for any number of reasons. If he is that far away and starting a new life i can't imagine he would have too much contact anyway. In my friends case she left the door completely open to the father and the most she got was an email every 6 months or so but she had huge respect from his family who really did a lot for her and the child and who has always loved the both of them and made it known to people that they fully respected and adored them both.

Its such a tough tough time op and getting over a break up is upsetting enough at the best of times, never mind dealing with your sickness and the life changes a baby brings, but i absolutely applaud you for getting through this much and for taking the decision that was right for you with the baby. One day at a time xxx

28064212

Is he going to actually be involved with the child's life, or does he just want the good parts? Is he going to contribute to the child's upbringing? Is he going to help out if the child falls ill? Is he going to provide childcare?

A couple of photos and some Skype chats is not parenting

curlzy

Going to get lynched for this.... But I would cut him out completely and I wouldn't mention him until the child learns to talk and asks about him.

I really don't think contributing sperm makes you a father and other than that what has he done? My father is Mr Dependable/Provider man, always there for me when I need support, I know plenty of other people who's father's are Mr Missing/Alcoholic/Agressive and I can tell you hands down they would have been better off if their mum had cut contact, they're all way more ****ed up from having the wasters in their lives. He wants to be "in the child's life"? How exactly?

Seriously OP, I would be cutting contact and sure if you change your mind you can always contact him later on. You're doing this alone so don't be afraid to do it on your terms.

WhyGoBald

We don't have any proof that he's going to be an alcoholic/abuser etc etc, nor that he only wants to be there for the good times, . All we know is that he reacted badly to a bad situation. You know what? I wish my mother had cut my father off because he was really bad to be around. However, there are also decent men who are refused access to their children because the mother has decided to make a new start. Just because he's not Mr Dependable doesn't mean he'll be Mr Nasty, and to assume he will be to assuage feelings of resentment is not right.

Chinafoot

WhyGoBald wrote: »

We don't have any proof that he's going to be an alcoholic/abuser etc etc, nor that he only wants to be there for the good times, . All we know is that he reacted badly to a bad situation. You know what? I wish my mother had cut my father off because he was really bad to be around. However, there are also decent men who are refused access to their children because the mother has decided to make a new start. Just because he's not Mr Dependable doesn't mean he'll be Mr Nasty, and to assume he will be to assuage feelings of resentment is not right.

While he may not be Mr. Nasty how exactly is he going to be any sort of father if he is 12 hours away from his child from the day the baby is born?

He made the decision to leave and while I don't agree with fathers being kept from their children (unless there is ill-treatment) the OP shouldn't have to accomodate this man slipping in and out of this child's life when it suits him. He made the decision to leave knowing full well his child was on the way. He can't pick and choose when he gets to be a father.

WhyGoBald

Chinafoot wrote: »

While he may not be Mr. Nasty how exactly is he going to be any sort of father if he is 12 hours away from his child from the day the baby is born?

Maybe it would be better for the OP to fully explore that issue rather than prejudge, which some posters here are advocating.

LegacyUser

asamother wrote: »

as a mother i say this in the nicest way possible

you do not have the right to deny your child their father regardless of your relationship him

I think HE has relinquished this right.

What I would honestly to is say you had a miscarriage. It will be music to his ears.

Why would you want this moron in your child's life?

I am a father of a nine-month old baby and feel very strongly about this kind of slack parenting.

In this case, half a loaf is not better than none.

Chinafoot

WhyGoBald wrote: »

Maybe it would be better for the OP to fully explore that issue rather than prejudge, which some posters here are advocating.

The OP is 7 months pregnant and alone. It is up to this man to prove that he is going to be part of this child's life. Not living a 12 hour flight away might help. She needs to focus on herself and her baby.

It's a bit hard not to prejudge when he dumped her and legged it once she was pregnant.

WhyGoBald

I am talking about prejudging him as a father. As in deciding he won't be a good one, therefore should not be one.

I don't believe any of my posts said should jump hurdles. I am simply advocating not denying access and working with him.

Chinafoot

WhyGoBald wrote: »

I am talking about prejudging him as a father. As in deciding he won't be a good one, therefore should not be one.

I am sorry but how can you be defending the possible parenting abilities of a man who left the country once he knew his child was on the way? Its all well and good for you to say he should be given a chance and not be prejudged but he has not shown the OP that he will actually be there for his child. If he was serious about being a father he would physically be here to be involved. Staying 12 hours away means he is not being a father. He will be picking a choosing when he sees his child. This could be far more damaging for the child than him not being there at all.

WhyGoBald wrote: »

I am not suggesting she jumps hurdles. I am simply advocating not denying access and working with him.

And equally he needs to work with her. If he chooses to stay 12 hours away he is choosing to not to be a part of his child's life. Its as simple as that.
The OP should not be villified for not wanting to place her child in a scenario where this man will appear and play daddy when it suits him.

WhyGoBald

Chinafoot wrote: »

Staying 12 hours away means he is not being a father. He will be picking a choosing when he sees his child. This could be far more damaging for the child than him not being there at all.

That's your opinion, obviously. And obviously I don't agree. We are both free to hold our opinions; the OP is the one who has to decide.

The OP should not be villified for not wanting to place her child in a scenario where this man will appear and play daddy when it suits him.

Please don't stoop to putting words in my mouth in order to discredit my opinion.

Chinafoot

WhyGoBald wrote: »

Please don't stoop to putting words in my mouth in order to discredit my opinion.

Oh wind your neck in. My comment wasn't solely directed at you dear, nor is it "putting words" in anyones mouth.