Is the 'I don't believe in marriage' line real?

LegacyUser

I'm in a newish relationship, six months. I am falling for him fairly quickly. I'm 23. I would like to get married some day (not necessarily to him but in general).

We were talking about our own futures recently, where we see our careers going etc. and then he dropped the bombshell that he doesn't believe in marriage and never would do it. Now I know that it's too soon for us to go anywhere near that road but I don't really want to be with someone if it could never happen.

Should I get over myself and accept that some people really just don't believe in it or leave to find someone who does?

I am a friend

Take him at his word but stick with what you want. He doesn't want marriage ever but you do so you need to move on and meet someone with similar wishes to you because you would end up living your life by his rules if you stay.

Big Bag of Chips

I used to think that when I was about 17! Then I met my now husband and decided after 2 weeks that I did believe in it after all, and told him I was going to marry him!

LegacyUser

Friends of mine also had this conversation at the start of their relationship. They were both in total agreement that marriage was not on the table. 3 years on? They're getting married this August. Maybe one/both lied about their true feelings to save face/not commit too early, or maybe the pressure of peers/family got to them, either way it's happening. That's not to say this is always the case obviously

Ickle Magoo

Some people really don't have inclination to get married, some don't at that juncture in life and then that changes - that said, I think you'd be taking an enormous risk carrying on with the relationship in the hope that he may, at some stage, fall into the second category.

Really, you need to decide yourself if you are happy and will not resent him you never get married, or you have to cut your losses.

Sorry OP.

blatantrereg

Lots of people dont believe in marriage. Lots of people who dont believe in marriage get married. Maybe it means a lot to their partner, or maybe they just see it in a different light. He's just giving his opinion. It would seem like a bizarre reason for breaking up with someone at this point tbh.

Daisy M

I have met a few people who were in long term relationships and marriage wasnt on the cards because one part of the couple didnt believe in marriage. All these relationships (4 I can think of ) broke up and the non marrying person ended up meeting someone new and getting married in a very short space of time. I know a few men who have stated they are never marrying and although they have had longterm relationships have never committed or married and are now single.

I think if someone is telling you straight that they dont marry you have to take them at their word and either accept this or move on. Its unfair to tey and change someones beliefs to suit your own adgenda or that they should expect you to change yours.

BarackPyjama

I'd say the majority of people who say they don't believe in marriage in their teens or twenties always end up changing their minds as they get older. There are plenty of people who genuinely mean it though. If you're someone who wants to get married at some point though and you're with someone who says they don't - personally I'd move on. Even though it might just be a blanket belief and nothing personal, if I was in a relationship with someone and they said that to me, I'd respect it but take it somewhat personally and get out of there pretty fast.

username123

Move on. Whats the point if up front he has stated something that contrasts so sharply with your own desires for the future?

Without meaning to be patronising Id be inclined to think that at 23 (and presuming he is of a similar age) he doesnt know anything about life and maybe when he is older and sees his friends around him settling down and marrying and also realises that its a big turn off to tell most women that he refuses to get married - he might change his mind. I know that when I was 23 I had plenty of opinions that Id now look back on and realise I didnt have a clue.

Or he might not - whats the point in you being the one to have to find out? You are young, have the world at your feet and there are plenty of men out there who will have similar wishes and desires for the future as you.

It comes down to a lack of compatibility on major life issues. If you wanted children and he didnt - it wouldnt be a problem now, but it would or could be later - but whats the point of getting in deeper and risking that when you can cut your losses now?

LegacyUser

I think for some people it depends how they were brought up.
me, i come from a "broken family", never think that way but it did come in conversation with friends recently. my parents separated when i was about 4/5, , i had 3 older than me and one younger.. so daddy dearest left us then and that was that. didnt have the parents fighting thing thankfully.

that hasnt put me off though, if i met a fella and he's the "one" and he said he definitely wants marriage, i'd go right ok, but if he said definitely never marriage etc.. I dont think i'd have problem with it. but then again things change.

A friend of mine in her 40's is separated from her hubby since their 2 kids were small 3/5yrs , they get on fine, she moved on, found another fella, with him years and he wants to get married, have a baby, but she said no straight out, he stayed with her hoping she'd change her mind ( i guess!) and she said no again when it came in serious conversation.. and now theyre finished (for 4th time).. so he's 45 , no kids , no marriage and wants both.

then my best friend married her fella recently, he doesnt believe in marriage but the main reason they got married is cos of their 4 years old daughter so she's looked after.

Faith

I know two people who said they never wanted to get married. Both of them came from families where their parents had had a bad relationship, followed by a worse divorce. One was a massive commitment-phobe until she met a guy at 24, got engaged at 25 and was married 6 months later and moved to the Middle East with him. Another had a 5 year relationship where she never wanted to get married. They broke up, she started going out with someone else, and 9 months into their relationship, she's already changed her mind to "yeah, maybe we'll get married in a few years alright".

I could never stay with someone who didn't want to get married. I want it too much. My OH and I aren't even engaged yet, but we get all giggly and discuss our future wedding at the drop of a hat. I love that. I think you should tell him that marriage is important to you, and make it clear that you don't see a point in being with someone who won't marry you. If he refuses to even entertain the idea, I think you should get out before you get too attached.

ifellover

I dont believe in marriage. Sort of. To be honest it comes from bad relationships in my life and seeing otger people in bad relationships

blatantrereg

I'm surprised at the consensus here.

I suppose I dont equate "I dont believe in marriage" with "I will never marry you".
Relationships involve compromise. I really can't think of many guys who want to get married. But most of them do. Girls often grow up dreaming of their perfect wedding and so on. Guys just usually dont. But if you care about someone then what is important to them becomes important to you. So I am really a bit dumbstruck at the idea of dumping someone after 6 months at 23 because they dont believe in marriage.

holyhead

blatantrereg wrote: »

I'm surprised at the consensus here.

I suppose I dont equate "I dont believe in marriage" with "I will never marry you".
Relationships involve compromise. I really can't think of many guys who want to get married. But most of them do. Girls often grow up dreaming of their perfect wedding and so on. Guys just usually dont. But if you care about someone then what is important to them becomes important to you. So I am really a bit dumbstruck at the idea of dumping someone after 6 months at 23 because they dont believe in marriage.

In fairness the OP has stated that marriage is important to her. She also has said her OH isn't keen on marriage as a concept. Why should she waste time with someone who doesn't share her views on this most fundamental of beliefs.

Ickle Magoo

blatantrereg wrote: »

I'm surprised at the consensus here.

I suppose I dont equate "I dont believe in marriage" with "I will never marry you".
Relationships involve compromise. I really can't think of many guys who want to get married. But most of them do. Girls often grow up dreaming of their perfect wedding and so on. Guys just usually dont. But if you care about someone then what is important to them becomes important to you. So I am really a bit dumbstruck at the idea of dumping someone after 6 months at 23 because they dont believe in marriage.

The OP clearly stated that her boyfriend said "he doesn't believe in marriage and never would do it"...so it's hardly a case of equating anything - he's said he has no intentions of marrying the OP.

I dunno about the whole gender generalisation thing either - seems more than a little old fashioned...I know as many men who are adamant they'll be getting married some day as women who are adamant they won't.

For me, the idea of sticking with someone at 23 based on the assumption they are immature/don't know their own mind and on the off chance they change their mind about fundamental plans for the future seems infinitely sillier, in a world chock full of potential partners. And perhaps the OP would prefer a man who WANTS to marry her, rather than just to appease her?

kraggy

To suggest to the OP that she should move on as he doesn't want the same as her based on one conversation and 6 months together is bad advice.

Assuming he's the same age, his opinions on many things will change by the time he hits 30. Guaranteed. Whether or not the marriage issue will be one of those things to change is not known at this time.

The OP should give the relationship time to grow and stop talking about things that are years away yet. Especially when you're so young.

A lot can happen by the time you and him are 25 never mind 30.

The Corinthian

I don't 'believe' in marriage.

By that I mean that philosophically I would view marriage as a permanent union between two people, two families - a social contract; and it's not that any more. Either can break said contract unilaterally with no consequence for doing so and while not exactly easy to end a marriage it's not exactly difficult either.

On a practical level, as a man, it's too risky financially. Marriage ends and inevitably it's the man who ends up losing out big time. And while I may trust the woman I'm with today not to do this, she won't be the same woman in five, ten or twenty years - as has been pointed out by the previous poster people change, and not always for the better.

The only practical reason I can think of to get married is children and even this, legally and socially, is or is becoming a non-issue in society.

So essentially, I view it as a temporary institution masquerading as a permanent one which brings practically no benefit to me as a man and only risk of financial ruin.

Would all this mean that I'd never get married? No, of course not. If you're with someone long enough there's a case to do so because either is unlikely to change for the worse and it makes no real difference once you're together for ten or twenty years, and at least it ties up a lot of tax and inheritance issues.

So, to the OP, the above are probably reasons why your current boyfriend does not 'believe' in marriage. They are ultimately valid reasons, whether you like it or not, and so while he may change his mind in time (an ultimatum by the woman, after a few years together, is the usual means that this occurs), you have to accept the very real possibility that this may never happen.

At 23, I think you have can afford to invest a few years into a relationship in the hope he does change his mind - or indeed that you change yours and decide that it's not such a big deal to have.

Given this, that at 23 you're already thinking so clinically on the subject would not fill me with a warm fuzzy feeling if I were him. If a woman were to leave me on this basis, so early on in the relationship and at such an age, I'd probably feel that I'd been lucky and dodged a bullet.

I am a friend

Women on these threads are always being told to listen to what they are being told - why would this one be any different. It doesn't matter whether or not other people believe in marriage as the op does.

Why waste years of your life hoping someone may change a fundamental view? There are plenty more fish out there who aren't so close minded.

The Corinthian

I am a friend wrote: »

Women on these threads are always being told to listen to what they are being told - why would this one be any different.

Personally I think that listening to what the other person is saying, in any relationship is likely to be important. Unless one's own opinion is so important that the opinion of your partner 'doesn't matter'.

Why waste years of your life hoping someone may change a fundamental view? There are plenty more fish out there who aren't so close minded.

So someone who does not 'believe' in marriage is closed minded, while someone who does, to the point of breaking up with someone who differs, is not? Nice.

Wibbs

The Corinthian wrote: »

At 23, I think you have can afford to invest a few years into a relationship in the hope he does change his mind - or indeed that you change yours and decide that it's not such a big deal to have.

I'd somewhat agree on this score.

So someone who does not 'believe' in marriage is closed minded, while someone who does, to the point of breaking up with someone who differs, is not?

"closed minded" can often just mean "another who doesn't feel as I do about X and doesn't want to discuss it/come to my way of thinking". Goes for many subjects and goes both ways. I know enough people who think those who are gung ho for marriage, 2.2 kids in the burbs are closed or narrow minded.

I'd also agree 100% with kraggy. Someone saying this at 23 in my experience is far more likely to change their mind, than someone at 35. It can go the other way too. People who are dreaming of wedding days at 23 can be very "meh" ten years later. At 23 I'd have been pretty up for the notion of marriage, now 20 years later I would not. That too could change in me down the line, though less likely.

Plus I'd add that at 6 months in everything is still very much up in the air. If you were 6 years in and there was a fundamental difference between you I'd be much more concerned.

ash23

I think if I were in your position OP, I would end things before I got too involved.
Marriage is something I truly believe in and want, so it's a dealbreaker for me. That's not to say that anyone who doesn't want to get married is wrong and I'm right. But I can't help what I want, just as a person who doesn't want to get married can't help what they want.

Personally I'd get out of the relationship but only because I know that for me, marriage is a dealbreaker. You need to think about how you would feel if you stay with him and 5 years pass with no proposal.
For me (I was in such a relationship) every birthday, valentines day, christmas etc was a little tainted because I was always hoping and never recieved. Eventually he told me he didn't ever want to get married and it crushed me.

He is with someone else now, almost 4 years. They are not engaged or even living together. Some people really do mean it and might never change their minds.

Also marriage isn't just about the day. There are other securities it offers in terms of legalities and rights. Fathers rights are a big one because being married makes a world of difference. I would never have a child outside of marriage again. I would never buy a house with someone outside of marriage. Once bitten, twice shy.

The Corinthian

ash23 wrote: »

Fathers rights are a big one because being married makes a world of difference.

Not at all. The only differences are that when married the father is automatically a guardian, if not he must apply for it and nowadays will typically get it unless it is challenged by the mother and there is a very real reason not to award it.

So if cohabiting for X years and not married, or cohabiting for X years and married it ultimately makes no difference in terms of access, guardianship or other rights. It might make things more complicated at the start if you're not, but once overcome you're in exactly the same situation as a married person.

And this difference is unlikely to be around much longer anyway as 'automatic' guardianship is likely to be introduced soon. In fact, as part of this overhaul, the rights afforded by guardianship are also going to also be watered down; so that whether married or not, any guardianship 'rights' are secondary to the wishes of the custodial parent.

ash23

The Corinthian wrote: »

Not at all. The only differences are that when married the father is automatically a guardian, if not he must apply for it and nowadays will typically get it unless it is challenged by the mother and there is a very real reason not to award it.

So if cohabiting for X years and not married, or cohabiting for X years and married it ultimately makes no difference in terms of access, guardianship or other rights. It might make things more complicated at the start if you're not, but once overcome you're in exactly the same situation as a married person.

And this difference is unlikely to be around much longer anyway as 'automatic' guardianship is likely to be introduced soon. In fact, as part of this overhaul, the rights afforded by guardianship are also going to also be watered down; so that whether married or not, any guardianship 'rights' are secondary to the wishes of the custodial parent.

Well we'll agree to disagree on that one.

The Corinthian

ash23 wrote: »

Well we'll agree to disagree on that one.

As you wish, but those are the facts.

ash23

The Corinthian wrote: »

As you wish, but those are the facts.

I'd argue the point but that would be off topic so I'll leave it at that. I don't have an agenda, I was merely answering the OP and there are legal implications in terms of marriage in terms of children, even if it just means that guardianship is automatic instead of having to be "granted".

OP there is also the other issues to consider such as inheritance issues, taxation etc. But even leaving out the legality, the sentiment isn't to be underestimated either. As I said, you really need to weigh up how much it means to you. And if you could be happy in a relationship where marriage is not going to be on the cards.

username123

The Corinthian wrote: »

Not at all. The only differences are that when married the father is automatically a guardian, if not he must apply for it and nowadays will typically get it unless it is challenged by the mother and there is a very real reason not to award it.

I disagree with this, unmarried men in Ireland have no automatic legal rights to their children, in terms of guardianship, custody or access - all must be applied for through the courts.

See here.

The position of an unmarried father in Ireland is quite precarious. The legislation governing this area is over 30 years old. In short, the legal position of an unmarried father in Ireland is that he has no automatic legal rights in respect of his children, a fact which was confirmed by the recent Supreme Court case of J. McB. v. L. E., which was referred to the European Court of Justice for a preliminary ruling.

See also here.

There is no automatic right in Ireland for fathers to care for and bring up their children.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I agree with the majority here. Marraige is important to me so if I was with a guy 6 months and he stated categorically that he wanted to never get married, I'd move on. You're much better off believing that someone knows what they want, be they 20, 30 or 40, true they may change their mind but do you want to be hanging around waiting for that? Why live on someone else's terms? I'd move on OP if I were you, you'll find a guy that's has the same dreams as you and you'll be much happier for it.

Best of luck.

The Corinthian

ash23 wrote: »

I'd argue the point but that would be off topic so I'll leave it at that.

The rest of your point doesn't really "leave it at that" though.

I don't have an agenda, I was merely answering the OP and there are legal implications in terms of marriage in terms of children, even if it just means that guardianship is automatic instead of having to be "granted".

OP there is also the other issues to consider such as inheritance issues, taxation etc.

I did not suggest that there were no differences or advantages to being married for a man/father, however I would challenge that any of these differences or advantages are worth it on balance. The principle, indeed probably only, difference between being married or not and the legal issues you raise it that they are automatic in the former and must be applied for in the latter. Once guardianship is applied for and granted, wills written, then the difference pretty much ends.

The only absolute legal/financial difference is tax, in that it is lower for married couples. But from a male viewpoint, paying more income tax while married can cost a lot less than spousal maintenance when you're no longer married.

But even leaving out the legality, the sentiment isn't to be underestimated either. As I said, you really need to weigh up how much it means to you. And if you could be happy in a relationship where marriage is not going to be on the cards.

I totally agree. I don't think anyone should rule out marriage, even I would not, but then again I consider just as bad someone who rules out no marriage.

This is why I suggested to the OP that she sees where things go for a few years. She has time - if she was 30, perhaps I'd suggest otherwise, but she's not. And in that time she may decide that marriage is not so important or he that marriage to her is not such a bad idea.

username123 wrote: »

I disagree with this, unmarried men in Ireland have no automatic legal rights to their children, in terms of guardianship, custody or access - all must be applied for through the courts.

You're not actually disagreeing with me as that's what I said. Did you actually read it?

username123

The Corinthian wrote: »

You're not actually disagreeing with me as that's what I said. Did you actually read it?

I did. Its not what you said. Did you actually read what you wrote?

The Corinthian

username123 wrote: »

I did. Its not what you said. Did you actually read what you wrote?

I did, but it appears you did not reciprocate; you said that "unmarried men in Ireland have no automatic legal rights to their children, in terms of guardianship" and I said "when married the father is automatically a guardian, if not he must apply for it".

Please let me know where you see disagreement there.

Beruthiel

Lads,

Lets get back to the OP and address her PI please.

TC
take the Fathers Rights discussion to Humanities.

The Corinthian

Beruthiel wrote: »

TC
take the Fathers Rights discussion to Humanities.

Sorry. It certainly wasn't my intention to do so, but someone else raised the issue in relation to perceived advantages to marriage which was factually incorrect.

Then it kind of spun out of control...

lazygal

I wanted to get married. I wasted SO much time on guys who "didn't believe in marriage", hoping that because they were young or I had time on my side that they'd come around, or that somehow I'd be the person to change their mind. Never worked. When I met my now husband marriage came up quite quickly, he also wanted a marriage and children. I agree 23 is young but why look back and think "What on earth was I thinking" when you've wasted a few years on him.


I find the comments about how bad marriage is for men extremely unhelpful and certainly do not represent the views of any married men I know. Marriage as an institution is not at fault just because people pick the wrong partners.

BraziliaNZ

Does a human relationship not mean more than a piece of paper to you people? Would you seriously leave someone you loved dearly because he didn't want to get involed in an archaic tradition? You are all crazy.

lazygal

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Does a human relationship not mean more than a piece of paper to you people? Would you seriously leave someone you loved dearly because he didn't want to get involed in an archaic tradition? You are all f**king crazy.

I wouldn't have fallen in love with someone who didn't want the same things from life as me. I wanted to get married, and so did the person I married. Why would you be with someone who didn't want the same things from life as you? Would you be with someone who told you from the start they wanted to get married and would never change their mind about it?

ash23

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Does a human relationship not mean more than a piece of paper to you people? Would you seriously leave someone you loved dearly because he didn't want to get involed in an archaic tradition? You are all crazy.

You view marriage as a piece of paper. Others view it as far more than that and therein lies the problem.
One could equally argue that if all it is to you is a piece of paper but it meant more to your partner, would you not just do it?

As for being crazy, just because someone holds different beliefs and values re: marriage to you, it doesn't make them crazy.

I am a friend

Ah keep yer knickers on - by close minded I mean firm in his view and unlikely to change. Dunno why this has moved on to fathers rights when she didn't mention kids. Maybe she wants to get married bit doesn't want kids...

The Corinthian

ash23 wrote: »

One could equally argue that if all it is to you is a piece of paper but it meant more to your partner, would you not just do it?

If a prenup, given these will be introduced in Ireland in the near future, forgoing any spousal support or share of his assets meant more to your partner, would you not 'just do it'?

As for being crazy, just because someone holds different beliefs and values re: marriage to you, it doesn't make them crazy.

I don't think that being in favour or against marriage is necessarily crazy. I've even said that while I do not favour it myself, neither would I rule it out.

What does get me though is that for some in favour of marriage, the topic is a 'deal breaker'. That even suggesting that maybe it's not really worth it for men is 'unhelpful' (naturally 'unhelpful' to anyone hoping to get married to a man) and this attitude, in my opinion, does not bode well for future compromise in any relationship.

ash23

The Corinthian wrote: »

If a prenup, given these will be introduced in Ireland in the near future, forgoing any spousal support or share of his assets meant more to your partner, would you not 'just do it'?

Women have money too you know :rolleyes:

I'm self sufficient so yes, I probably would. To protect my own assets and those of my child from my first relationship. Two way street and all that.

What does get me though is that for some in favour of marriage, the topic is a 'deal breaker'. That even suggesting that maybe it's not really worth it for men is 'unhelpful' (naturally 'unhelpful' to anyone hoping to get married to a man) and this attitude, in my opinion, does not bode well for future compromise in any relationship.

It's a very sexist attitude to have that the man will always come off worse in the event of a marriage breakup.
In fact I as the woman came out worse of my last relationship so I don't subscribe to the theory that the man has the most to lose at all. That's fairly antiquated.
For all we know the OP could have millions in the bank and her OH may be flat broke.
Generally speaking women have their own careers and are financially independent before entering into a marriage. Thankfully the days of going straight from your parents to your husbands roof are long gone and things are more equal.

Ickle Magoo

The trouble is you can't compromise on getting married - you either do or you don't...who'ing and ha'ing with possible reasons and assumptions is irrelevant - he's stated he doesn't want to and that's his prerogative.

It's hard enough keeping a relationship ticking over with both parties as happy as they possibly can be without deliberately pursuing a relationship that is throwing up obstacles that cannot be compromised on - ime you are just inviting a whole world of heartache and prolonging the inevitable.

The world is chock full of potential partners, it seems far easier and more logical, to me, to call it quits and invest time and energy in a relationship that the OP & her partner aren't naturally polar opposites on basics or the OP facing a partner who has severe issues/baggage re how they see life together going.

BraziliaNZ wrote:

Does a human relationship not mean more than a piece of paper to you people? Would you seriously leave someone you loved dearly because he didn't want to get involed in an archaic tradition? You are all crazy.

Does a human relationship not mean more than a piece of paper to people? Would they seriously be prepared to lose someone they loved dearly just because they didn't want to get involed in an archaic tradition?

It goes both ways - if it's no big deal, isn't a refusal petty and needless? It is a big deal, it's silly to suggest otherwise - from both perspectives - and nobody's hopes, wishes or concerns should be dismissed...but I really don't see why one party wanting or not wanting to engage in some fundamental change in the relationship - be it marriage, children or whatever - shouldn't be viewed as a deal-breaker...the pressure and resentment that can build from one side acceding to the wishes of the other against their own can break the deal in a much more painful and drawn-out process years down the line.

The Corinthian

ash23 wrote: »

I'm self sufficient so yes, I probably would. To protect my own assets and those of my child from my first relationship. Two way street and all that.

And I would applaud such principle. You'd be surprised how many women would baulk at the idea though.

It's a very sexist attitude to have that the man will always come off worse in the event of a marriage breakup.

I suspect it is, but unfortunately it does not make it any less true.

In fact I as the woman came out worse of my last relationship so I don't subscribe to the theory that the man has the most to lose at all. That's fairly antiquated.

I thought you weren't married, because last I checked that's what we're discussing.

ash23

The Corinthian wrote: »

I thought you weren't married, because last I checked that's what we're discussing.

I wasn't but being married wouldn't have made any difference.

Anyway it isn't about whether marriage is right or wrong, good or bad etc. although they are of course all things that will sway one person towards or from marriage.
Essentially the OP wants to get married and her partner doesn't. It's not something that can be compromised on therefore it is a dealbreaker in my opinion.

The Corinthian

ash23 wrote: »

Anyway it isn't about whether marriage is right or wrong, good or bad etc. although they are of course all things that will sway one person towards or from marriage.

This discussion was never supposed to be about whether marriage is right or wrong, good or bad etc. The only reason I raised it was that it's probably important for the OP, or anyone who does 'believe' in marriage, why some do not not. How can you address a problem with your other half if you don't even understand it?

TBH, I was a little taken aback at the hostility that my "unhelpful" opinion attracted.

Essentially the OP wants to get married and her partner doesn't. It's not something that can be compromised on therefore it is a dealbreaker in my opinion.

I think she should give it a chance. They're only together six months and she's only 23. As many have pointed out, many who will swear blind they'll never get married in their twenties will change their minds over time and it's not as if her biological clock is in the eleventh hour.

midnight_train

Hi OP,

It's a tough one. I was in the same situation as you, but I was a little bit older (26) and my boyfriend at the time was a lot older (40).

He told me, fairly early in (after just a few months) that he never wanted to get married, live with anyone, or have children. I loved him and secretly thought he would change ...

Long story short, we stayed together for a few years, but ultimately broke up because I wanted to settle down and he didn't. I broke up with him and it was EXTREMELY painful. But even though I tried to convince myself that not being married/living together/having children would be OK if I got to be with him ... it wasn't. It just wasn't OK with me.

So we broke up. And it was awful. But then two months later, I started going out with someone else. And surprise, my ex-boyfriend had a sudden fit of soul-searching and he proposed!!!! I could not believe it. But, in the end, too much had happened, it was too little, too late ... and when all is said and done, I don't think we were right for each other in the long term. So I said no.

I don't regret the relationship, I did really love him, but I stayed too long. Don't do that - set yourself a limit if you must, but don't waste years of your life.

But people do change. In my case, it was too late, but you never know. BUT not everyone changes. In fairness, although my ex did propose to me, several times, he is still not married or living with anyone and now he's nearly 50.

Chucky the tree

OP is it the big white wedding you want with all the trimmings or just marraige? From a guys point of view there is a big difference. Personnaly speaking I've zero interest in a big wedding or any wedding but I'd happily go do the civil marraige with just two of us going some afternoon.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice, a lot to think about.

My boyfriend is 33 so he's probably not in the too young to know himself bracket.

I want to get married for the security and closeness, don't care about a big white wedding, I'd elope if my other half wanted to.

username123

gnfhui wrote: »

My boyfriend is 33 so he's probably not in the too young to know himself bracket.

That does put a different spin on it - Id assumed he was a lot younger. I really think you two are best to go your own way - he is far more likely to be set in his beliefs and wants at that age.

curlzy

Hey OP,

The fact he is 33 put's a hugely different spin on it. If you want to get married you should break up because he's stated that it's not on the cards with him. Why break your own heart? You're 23 OP, they're are ALOT of other men out there that will suit you way better. Cut him out and go find one of them.

Best of luck.

mood

Assuming he is about your age he could easily change his mind (if you happen to be in a long term relationship with him.

However, I'm in my 30s and I think if a guy I meet said that I end it as I believe in marriage and do not intend to waste years of my 30's with someone who doesn't want the same future as I do. Does anyone think that is too harsh?

I just noticed he is 33. I would break up with him OP.

BarackPyjama

If he's 33 and says he doesn't believe in marriage, you'll have to take him at his word.

LegacyUser

Well OP, sadly that answers that.

I've known a few men who go out with younger girls specifically so they can afford the settling down issue for a few extra years, and I always think it's unfair. 23 turns into 28 in the blink of an eye, and then if you factor in a year or two to get over someone...

But fair play to you OP for being clear on what you want.