Sex too soon = doomed to failure?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'd love some male opinions on this.

I'm a single female, mid to late twenties, living overseas. It would be great to not be judged too harshly on this, but I get the double standard that exists. I have a high sex drive and hadn't had sex for several months (five actually), which meant my libido has been at an all-time high recently.

Anyway. I've also been internet dating and last week went on a first date with a guy I'd be texting for about a week. All went great, we got on pretty well, lots to talk about, a bit of kissing, got a bit drunk and ended up back at his. We didn't have full sex, but did pretty much everything else. It's the first time that I'd gone this far with a guy on a first date, but I was attracted to him, drunk and in the mood, I know how it happened.

However, I'd like to see this guy again, but I get the feeling it was just a roll around in the hay for him. We met Thursday night, he was going away for the weekend and I texted him Friday wishing him a good weekend. He texted back then, nothing since.

Between then and now I met another guy at a house party on Saturday night. Got on like a house on fire, great chemistry, a strong attraction on both sides, we ended up in bed together. There was such a great spark between us and great communication that I hoped we might see each other again. I added him on fb, he accepted, I sent him a message yesterday afternoon, since then, nothing.

I guess I'm at the stage in life where I'm ready for a relationship, but on these last two encounters alone it seems like I am going about it completely the wrong way. I've actually not slept with that many people, but find that when I do, this is what usually happens - I have a fling with someone I fancy (if it even goes beyond one night) and it fizzles into nothing. I'm the one doing the texting/chasing - not that I have a problem with it, but as a woman I'd like to feel that a guy likes me enough to bother to initiate contact.

So to the men reading this - if you slept with/were physical with someone the first night you met, is that a complete deal-breaker in terms of a potential relationship? And is it off-putting if a woman texts you first?

Thanks for reading, I'd really love some insight into the male brain!

Miss Fluff

jumpingintobed? wrote: »

I'm the one doing the texting/chasing -

Why do you this? I'm as liberated as they come but if I was interested in someone I wouldn't go chasing them. Personally I think guys like a bit of a chase.

So in answer to your questions, is it offputting for a guy for a woman to be physical on the first night? Most intelligent men with any substance will not be put off. I know of a few married couples and LTR couples who got jiggy with it on the first night so I wouldn't say it necessarily puts them off. If you're not happy about it then don't do it.

Secondly, is it offputting for men when a woman is doing all the texting/chasing? I would be inclined to think it is very offputting and would give across an air of being overly keen and needy but that's just me personally. I think guys would like to think that you've CHOSEN them as you are so in demand rather than you giving them a flashing neon green light before they've even gotten to know you - where's the fun in that?

LegacyUser

It's not ok to be the one who always initiates contact as that looks needy but if you like someone is it not ok to initiate contact?? I am curious as I thought this was ok or should it always be the guy?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Why do you this? I'm as liberated as they come but if I was interested in someone I wouldn't go chasing them. Personally I think guys like a bit of a chase.

Why do I do it? Well it's simple. If I don't initiate the contact, I'll never hear from them again. It doesn't take Einstein to figure out that this clearly means the guys aren't that into me or just couldn't be bothered...but this is a consistent problem, it's exclusively the guys that I like and want to hear from, that I have to make this sort of effort with.

I'm not blowing my own horn, but I would be considered attractive, I take care of myself, present myself well and get a bit of male attention, but when it comes to dating my life is just a disaster. Maybe for all the aforementioned reasons. But I got so sick of hooking up with the guys I liked - not even necessarily having sex, but just kissing/exchanging numbers - and NEVER hearing from them - that I decided to take matters in my own hands.

It's easy to say 'if he was really worth it, he'd make the effort' - I agree 100 percent with that, but when you're ready for a relationship, have no problem meeting guys but keep getting the same disappointing endings, it gets a little frustrating and lonely. So I initiate the texting.

And obviously having great success!!

BMSF

Why would you do the chasing? Completely off putting from a males perspective (unless you're texting for sex!)

IrishEyes19

no one comment on whether having sex too soon is too soon. each to their own really. Everyone is different.

But there is no denying there is a stigma in the air about it. As another poster said, any intelligent person will observe that sex isnt the be all and end all either, but on a different note. Sex is a big thing, and sleeping with someone you dont know the first night still really means something. its your body after all and it can make it awkward, thats why maybe waiting, gives you a chance to get to know that person better. Its just when you have sex, where do you go from there, and sometimes the first time can be awkward at the best of times, so maybe waiting might be the best option for you now.

But as I said, it really is down to personal choice and dont worry about double standards, it takes two to tango after all.

Susie_Q

There's no rules about how soon you should have sex or how long you should wait. I slept with my boyfriend on our first date and we are still together over 4 years later.

Stop chasing these guys. If they are interested then they will text/ call you. If they're not, then move on!

Sleepy

Speaking personally: When I was single: how quickly a girl has sex with me was of little importance as to whether I wanted to see her or not. If anything, it would be the other way around once I got to my mid twenties I'd lose interest in a girl very quickly if she was the type who "wanted to wait", without any judgement we just wouldn't be compatible, I'd assume she was either trying to play power games, wasn't comfortable enough in her own sexuality or simply wasn't a sexual enough person to be compatible with me in a relationship.

I know guys that would have the exact opposite belief system: that a girl worth going out with won't sleep with you on the first date etc. but tbh, they're not the kind of guys I can imagine most modern women wanting a relationship with. They're not looking for a partner in life, they're looking for a "madonna" to take care of them and their home whilst they cheat with the "whore" they meet in the pub / hotel on a business trip etc. :rolleyes:

Miss Fluff

jumpingintobed? wrote: »

Why do I do it? Well it's simple. If I don't initiate the contact, I'll never hear from them again. It doesn't take Einstein to figure out that this clearly means the guys aren't that into me or just couldn't be bothered...but this is a consistent problem, it's exclusively the guys that I like and want to hear from, that I have to make this sort of effort with

You shouldn't have to make any effort at all. If they were interested they'd be like bees to honey. Not to be terse but you seriously need to have a look at this repeated pattern of falling for the wrong men then. It really is that simple. If they were keen on you then as you rightly point out they would be in touch and I doubt it's anything to do with your looks or personality, it's all down to YOUR choices. You seem clued-in and self-aware so maybe have a look at what the common denominator is between all these men? Are they all just bad boy messers? Or maybe really cocky? What is that attracts you to them? Do you have a specific "type"?

Also, I know that it is hard to meet someone nice but making yourself really available by chasing these guys is such a turn-off, really and truly. Put the shoe on the other foot and think of all the eager beavers who have been overkill at the start and it's so offputting.

Also you say that you have no problem meeting men (the wrong ones) so why don't you try not having sex with them or being intimate with them to actually assess whether they are genuinely interested in you? Let them chase you and woo you and see how that pans out - at least then if you don't hear from them you're not going to have the added head-fcuk of feeling you had sex too soon and didn't hear from them?

I'd also maybe consider going on dates with the ones you'd usually say no to. I remember when I first got together with my fiance I was a little disconserted by what a total and utter gent he is. He's as strong-willed as me but has this "goodness" that I wasn't used to (having been involved in past with a rogue's gallery of charming bastards). It took me a while to realise that there was no catch, he IS a great guy and a man like my Dad and my brothers who I never thought really existed. So in my rather convoluted way I'm saying give the good ones a chance

LegacyUser

Thanks so much guys for the responses. It's very insightful and helpful.

It seems to be a mixed bag as far as first-date intimacy goes, and I've been thinking about it more and Miss Fluff I think you're right. I think I should take it a little slower from now on, as it's too easy to blame that every time Mr Date of the Moment goes AWOL.

I've been looking deeply at myself really since I posted here, and I think a lot of my dating behaviours are rooted in self-esteem issues. When I said I 'chase' these men, I didn't mean it in a Glenn Close, incessant, ten-texts-in-a-row kind of way, I don't have it in me to be honest. But it's like I validate myself on these men's actions towards me and if I don't hear from them, I start to take it personally and the wheel of whys, what-did-I-do, why-doesn't-he-like-me starts turning. Maybe that accounts for the sex thing too. And add to that the fact that I genuinely would like to meet someone and have something meaningful for a change because frankly I'm tired of messing around. I need something more. I just seem to be my own biggest obstacle to getting that.

Miss Fluff, your posts make a lot of sense to me. I think I've also graduated from the School of Charming Bastards. The past few men I've had a 'thing' with...tall, good-looking, charming, funny, and it became sexual very soon with all of them. That 'goodness' you mentioned...that niceness and wholesomeness that I find in my friendships just isn't there. Either that or I overlook it by becoming sexual too soon and the truth is to some men, that makes me a certain type of girl. I guess a part of me just hopes that my personality shines through also with them, as I'm a pretty sociable, fun, smart kind of kid...but maybe that's secondary when you sort of sell yourself on your sexuality so early on.

Gah. Head fcuk central. Anyway the good (?) news is that guy from Thursday night texted last night. I think I just need to chillax here a bit and tone down the anxiety on will-they-won't-they-text, find something else to occupy my brain because it's not healthy or doing me any favours. So game plan is a sex-free date if I end up meeting him again, and see how we go. I'm also done with initiating contact with any of them for the moment, because frankly the effort is killing my self-esteem when ultimately I'm just chasing my own tail.

I do wonder though how you switch off your attraction for your 'type' of man. You're sort of attracted to what you're attracted to? When I think of it, I'm not chronically falling for a line of Brad Pitt-lookalikes, but I do go for notably cute guys who lots of girls would also notice, hence they tend to be players. That's going to be a tricky one.

Dravokivich

jumpingintobed? wrote: »

So to the men reading this - if you slept with/were physical with someone the first night you met, is that a complete deal-breaker in terms of a potential relationship? And is it off-putting if a woman texts you first?

Nope, I wouldn't consider it off putting. But that's because I'd only do it if I was interested in pursuing a potential relationship.

Other than that, the rest of your post is really a series of unfortunate events. Finding someone to be with as harsh as this may sound, is a numbers game really.

LegacyUser

Dravokivich wrote: »

Nope, I wouldn't consider it off putting. But that's because I'd only do it if I was interested in pursuing a potential relationship.

Other than that, the rest of your post is really a series of unfortunate events. Finding someone to be with as harsh as this may sound, is a numbers game really.

That is exactly what I was gonna post. You just have to kiss a lot of frogs. It isn't always about anything you do or don't do, so don't beat yourself up about someone else's choices. Though it might be no harm to lay off the sex for awhile as sex repeatedly followed by rejection (or perceived rejection) can be hurtful.

BTW I slept with my husband with the first night we met. Of course I also slept with various men who I liked but never saw again. And I didn't sleep with way more men who also rejected me! A numbers game indeed! Good luck.

Liam Byrne

Susie_Q wrote: »

There's no rules about how soon you should have sex or how long you should wait. I slept with my boyfriend on our first date and we are still together over 4 years later.

Stop chasing these guys. If they are interested then they will text/ call you. If they're not, then move on!

Why is the onus on them to text/call ?

If the OP likes someone she should text/call them; no bull or games.

BraziliaNZ

No one should be chasing anyone. If you both like each other communication will come naturally and it wont be a problem. I don't think men do like "a bit of a chase" anyway. It's just games that I couldn't be bothered playing.

ButterflyABC

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Why is the onus on them to text/call ?

If the OP likes someone she should text/call them; no bull or games.

I agree, if you like someone contact them and don't play games about who should contact who and I also don't see the problem with sleeping with someone on the fist date. It depends on the chemistry really and if it's there why not, it's hard enough to find someone you click with. Obviously you are going to have a few men that are just out for sex but that's the risk you take.

I wouldn't keep contacting them if they didn't reply back but I would contact them once and see what happens then.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for the continued responses.

I do tend to agree with the last few posters about making contact with someone you like. Playing 'hard to get', keeping a distance and waiting for that text etc over the years got me nowhere. More often than not it would just become a case of out of sight, out of mind, and that's why I make the concerted effort now to at least indicate my interest with a follow-up text. I never go over-board, it's always just the one text and if I hear nothing, I move on.

Saying that, it does disappoint me that I have to do this as I know if someone really liked you, they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from contacting. I've had that with guys in the past, but never the ones I'm interested in. It's easy to feel like the responses are merely polite and out of courtesy when I get a reply from a guy I've made the effort to contact. Like Mr House Party from last Saturday. He mailed me back on facebook today saying he 'also had a great time' and 'hope you have a great week!' Which sounds like a polite shrug-off to me.

I do think I need to re-think strategy because I'm just falling into the same patterns of fcuk buddies/short-term flings that amount to nothing. I think I'll leave sex/fooling around off the table for the next date I have and see what happens. Sex is too easy really, it's forging a relationship with someone that seems to be the stumbling block for me.

qwertytlk

Im not a man but i have experience of similare situations as yours through friends etc. For years iv seen friends having one night stands etc, and never hearing from the guy again. One fried in paticular has had quite a few flings. I often wondered how she could be happy and satisfied with this but she just brushed it off and made excuses. Personally, i always thought what she really wanted was a relationship but was going about it all the wrong way and giving off the complete oppostite signals to these guys.
Then i have male friends who im quite close with and would talk about most things with them and i know from them that 9 out of 10 of them wouldnt consider a relationship with someone they had a one night stand or fling with.
The girl i was referring to above finally stopped having these flings and is now in a settled relationship with a child. She has since admitted to me that although she wanted to be with the guys, she was also trying to give them what they wanted in the hope they would want to be with her again. But if any of them did it was just for another fling. So basically what im saying is that as a girl if u sleep with guy on the first night you have most likely ruined any chance of a relationship as the guy has gotten what he wanted without the thrill of the chase or any need to court you...and most times a guy wont want to have a relationship with a girl who puts out on the first date because they wouldnt consider her 'girlfriend material'. So i would suggest to you if you want to have a relationship with a man then get to know him first before you have sex. In the long run he will respect you alot more for it. Id also say to forget about the last two guys, put it down to experience and move on.

BraziliaNZ

qwertytlk wrote: »

i have male friends who im quite close with and would talk about most things with them and i know from them that 9 out of 10 of them wouldnt consider a relationship with someone they had a one night stand or fling with.

Either you're lying or you really need to broaden the spectrum of people you are friends with.
Offhand I can think of two of my oldest friends, both of them banged their now wives the first time they met them. Another has a baby with a girl he slept with the first time they met and they're happy. Don't have such a low opinion of us, any man with a bit of sense will not be that judgemental.

johnr1

A little from column A, a little from column B.

Personally I've gone on to have good relationships with a couple of women who I've slept with within hours of meeting, and also, I've rejected on the basis that if she was really into me that she wouldn't have.
However, in the latter cases, I probably wasn't that interested in taking it further anyway, and as a consequence, was more relaxed andd confident, which in turn probably helped me get laid.

I think quite a few men would get more interested if they have to put in some time and effort before getting to sleep with the girl they're seeing. Sex very early on can distract from making the effort to get to know someone. A bit of a challenge early on can be attractive in itself.

Then there are the clowns who think that just because a girl sleeps with you early, that she is a slut and not worthy of a relationship with them, conveniently forgetting that they were present as well.

Remember, most relationships fail anyway, for one reason or another.

When a guy who's right for you comes along, it won't matter.

.

LegacyUser

qwertytlk wrote: »

Then i have male friends who im quite close with and would talk about most things with them and i know from them that 9 out of 10 of them wouldnt consider a relationship with someone they had a one night stand or fling with.

I know guys that confessed to me the same thing. Some of my guy friends that have had one night stands were only looking for sex. I have yet to meet myself, someone who ended up in a long term relationship after one.

I personally could not sleep with someone I just met. This does not make me old fashioned or uptight as I love sex and I am quite a sexual person. It's just that I prefer sharing my body with someone special. Someone who respects me and wants to get to know me first as a person. I personally would be turned off if I met a guy that wanted to get jiggy with me the first night. My thoughts are if he is trying this to me imagine how many other women he has done this with? Sex to me is very beautiful when shared with someone special. But because of STIs and HIV, it is not worth getting sick or dying over and condoms don't protect you 100% because they do break!

For the OP, there are some men that are ok with it and there are others that are not. It is unfortunate you have not found a guy that is working out for you.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think there is such a thing as "sex too soon"...I seriously doubt many who are otherwise attracted to someone, looking for a long-term relationship and really click together is going to throw that all away because they have the added bonus of not having to wait for sex...ime it's a case that they weren't that attracted, weren't looking for a relationship or didn't really click.

And speaking as someone now 12 years with a partner I took home the first night, no, definitely not doomed to failure. Like any aspect of relationship hunting, it's really down to luck and playing the numbers game - whether they put a premium on sex and would refuse on the first date on principal certainly wouldn't make me think them any better/attractive proposition than someone who just went with what they wanted - in fact all other things being equal, I'd go for the partner who had the same attitude to sex as I do.

All the best OP. :cool:

Dave!

PM me

Maple

Dave! wrote: »

PM me

As per the charter please do not request that the OP private message you.

Maple

LegacyUser

Thank you all.

I've felt a bit down about this for the last few days, as I've been obsessing an unhealthy amount about hearing back from these men. It dawned on me that I'm not even sure how I feel about the last two guys I've met, yet I've been miserable because they haven't gotten in touch - that can't be good.

I think a lot of my self-validation is going into my dating experiences and I feel as though I should probably talk to a professional about all of this. I don't want this pattern to continue and I don't deserve to feel like sh1t about myself all the time because some aRsehole can't be bothered texting me back.

Texted the guy I met on Thursday night something generic last night (not the House Party guy) and got back ' 'I miss you', that's what that means'. Then silence. I mean, why would you even bother? I'm not even sure what I think about him or if we even had chemistry but the fact that I gave him this power over me is just truly sad. Another one bites the dust.

I do think there's a lot of truth in what Quertytlk said about guys who wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who jumped into bed with them. Or maybe I'm just meeting all the narrow-minded douchebags who think this way. Or maybe as IckleMagoo said, the attraction just isn't there on their end, but they took what they could while they were in the moment.

It makes me question myself on so many levels, my looks, my body, my personality...things that I'm ordinarily confident about. I'm just so frustrated and lonely at this stage that it's having a detrimental impact on my self esteem.

Thank you all for allowing me this outlet. I have a lot of work to do on myself I think before I can be thick-skinned enough for the dating scene to not destroy my confidence. Or maybe I need to take a break from the whole thing for a while.

fits

Sometimes its no harm to wait a bit so you find out they're a dick before you jump into bed with them They were still gonna be dicks so I dont think the speed of things altered that.

Its good to get to know people and have a good circle of friends of both sexes. And yeah maybe work on yourself for a while and take a timeout.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I slept with my bf on our first date, 6 years ago and still going strong . In fairness only idiotic sexist assholes are going to think you're sl*g for sleeping with them without realising that would make them a sl*g too:rolleyes:. So yeah don't worry about the ones that fizzle out, they're obviously not the one for you so just let em go. I'd be careful about internet dating tbh, I've heard alot of anicdotal evidence that alot of guys see it as a way to get laid and don't seem to want a relationship out of it. Sure just be casual and do what you want to do, there's no rules with relationships so just do as you want and the right guy will come along, like if you want to sleep with them then do, if you want to contact them then do.

Best of luck.

curlzy

jumpintobed? wrote: »

Thank you all.

I've felt a bit down about this for the last few days, as I've been obsessing an unhealthy amount about hearing back from these men. It dawned on me that I'm not even sure how I feel about the last two guys I've met, yet I've been miserable because they haven't gotten in touch - that can't be good.

I think a lot of my self-validation is going into my dating experiences and I feel as though I should probably talk to a professional about all of this. I don't want this pattern to continue and I don't deserve to feel like sh1t about myself all the time because some aRsehole can't be bothered texting me back.

Texted the guy I met on Thursday night something generic last night (not the House Party guy) and got back ' 'I miss you', that's what that means'. Then silence. I mean, why would you even bother? I'm not even sure what I think about him or if we even had chemistry but the fact that I gave him this power over me is just truly sad. Another one bites the dust.

I do think there's a lot of truth in what Quertytlk said about guys who wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who jumped into bed with them. Or maybe I'm just meeting all the narrow-minded douchebags who think this way. Or maybe as IckleMagoo said, the attraction just isn't there on their end, but they took what they could while they were in the moment.

It makes me question myself on so many levels, my looks, my body, my personality...things that I'm ordinarily confident about. I'm just so frustrated and lonely at this stage that it's having a detrimental impact on my self esteem.

Thank you all for allowing me this outlet. I have a lot of work to do on myself I think before I can be thick-skinned enough for the dating scene to not destroy my confidence. Or maybe I need to take a break from the whole thing for a while.

Sorry OP, just read this post. I definately think you shold hold off dating until you get some councelling. You seem to be really down on yourself and that's not good, especially if you're looking for validation from these guys because that's really not healthy. So yeah *big hug*, it's pants feeling down and lonely. I hope you feel better soon but I really think councelling could do you alot of good.

Best of luck.

puddles22

my 2 cents on this from a male perspective, if i am on a date with a girl and i really like her as in oh i want to meet this one again, i put in my head not to have sex with her on a first date , now it doesnt lesson my opinion of her if she wants to on a first date but i just prefer to hold off and get to know her so that when it does happen its usually amazing and usually sober.

snafuk35

jumpingintobed? wrote: »

Hi there,

I'd love some male opinions on this.

I'm a single female, mid to late twenties, living overseas. It would be great to not be judged too harshly on this, but I get the double standard that exists. I have a high sex drive and hadn't had sex for several months (five actually), which meant my libido has been at an all-time high recently.

Anyway. I've also been internet dating and last week went on a first date with a guy I'd be texting for about a week. All went great, we got on pretty well, lots to talk about, a bit of kissing, got a bit drunk and ended up back at his. We didn't have full sex, but did pretty much everything else. It's the first time that I'd gone this far with a guy on a first date, but I was attracted to him, drunk and in the mood, I know how it happened.

However, I'd like to see this guy again, but I get the feeling it was just a roll around in the hay for him. We met Thursday night, he was going away for the weekend and I texted him Friday wishing him a good weekend. He texted back then, nothing since.

Between then and now I met another guy at a house party on Saturday night. Got on like a house on fire, great chemistry, a strong attraction on both sides, we ended up in bed together. There was such a great spark between us and great communication that I hoped we might see each other again. I added him on fb, he accepted, I sent him a message yesterday afternoon, since then, nothing.

I guess I'm at the stage in life where I'm ready for a relationship, but on these last two encounters alone it seems like I am going about it completely the wrong way. I've actually not slept with that many people, but find that when I do, this is what usually happens - I have a fling with someone I fancy (if it even goes beyond one night) and it fizzles into nothing. I'm the one doing the texting/chasing - not that I have a problem with it, but as a woman I'd like to feel that a guy likes me enough to bother to initiate contact.

So to the men reading this - if you slept with/were physical with someone the first night you met, is that a complete deal-breaker in terms of a potential relationship? And is it off-putting if a woman texts you first?

Thanks for reading, I'd really love some insight into the male brain!

In my opinion there is no connection between having sex or not having sex on the first date and whether there is a relationship or a one night stand or whether the relationship is a disaster or not.

I once was friends with a girl in college for ages while I was having a string of one night stands every other night out. Then one night when we were out with friends we just ended up kissing and got together. I once met another girlfriend in a bookshop, got chatting with her right there and then, went for a coffee, followed by a trip to the cinema (we both had bought tickets for the same film before we met that afternoon) where we were kissing the whole way through the movie in the backseats. We left the movie half way through and went back to my place in the middle of the day and had sex. Other relationships began with few dates before we had sex while other relationships began with sex the first day we met.

If you want to have sex or not early on is up to you. I don't think it makes a difference to the survival or quality of the relationship.

mike0c

jumpingintobed? wrote: »

So to the men reading this - if you slept with/were physical with someone the first night you met, is that a complete deal-breaker in terms of a potential relationship? And is it off-putting if a woman texts you first?

Thanks for reading, I'd really love some insight into the male brain!

It's not necessairily a deal breaker but to be honest you should avoid it. There is a stigma attached. I know a lot of my friends agree with me on this one. After a first date or night out your not going to know if you really like this girl or not yet, you might be very interested but your still forming your opinion of her. So if she sleeps with you on the first night your going to be thinking, how many other guys has she slept with the first night?! Your going to think she is easy. It's not fair and it is double standards but that's the world we live in. You don't want to think that other guys you know have slept with this girl too.

People will probably disagree with me but there's no way that waiting a few dates will hurt. If he likes you enough he will wait. There's no way that a guy will say, "oh she's not sexual enough for me" she's not "attracted enough to me". That's nonsense. The majority of the best looking girls or best catches, if you will, don't sleep around and give themselves a 'bad' name.

For the record I'm a well educated guy, have lots of friends and I know this is a commonly held belief. Sure there are exceptions, there are exceptions to everything, okay those guys ended up marrying the woman after sex on the first night but how many options did they have, how high were their standards. A guy that would be perceived as a 'good catch' will have lots of options and attention. If you sleep with him the first night your making it too easy. People on here might say this is sad, you might be right, but most of the time this is how it is, in general if you want to see this guy again for something more than sex then don't put out on the first night, or the second.

Lorna123

jumpingintobed? wrote: »

Hi,

Thanks for the continued responses.

I do tend to agree with the last few posters about making contact with someone you like. Playing 'hard to get', keeping a distance and waiting for that text etc over the years got me nowhere. More often than not it would just become a case of out of sight, out of mind, and that's why I make the concerted effort now to at least indicate my interest with a follow-up text. I never go over-board, it's always just the one text and if I hear nothing, I move on.

Saying that, it does disappoint me that I have to do this as I know if someone really liked you, they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from contacting. I've had that with guys in the past, but never the ones I'm interested in. It's easy to feel like the responses are merely polite and out of courtesy when I get a reply from a guy I've made the effort to contact. Like Mr House Party from last Saturday. He mailed me back on facebook today saying he 'also had a great time' and 'hope you have a great week!' Which sounds like a polite shrug-off to me.

I do think I need to re-think strategy because I'm just falling into the same patterns of fcuk buddies/short-term flings that amount to nothing. I think I'll leave sex/fooling around off the table for the next date I have and see what happens. Sex is too easy really, it's forging a relationship with someone that seems to be the stumbling block for me.

If you go on a date with a man, end up in bed with him, and then hear nothing why would you want to text him. You already have your answer that he is not interested in persuing you if you don't hear from him so why have it reinforced by texting him and then him not replying to the text? As you say yourself if someone really likes you you won't be able to stop them texting you first. You say that in the past you got nowhere by waiting for the man to contact you but you get nowhere texting him either, so don't do it and avoid the extra hurt.

Call me old fashioned but waiting to get to know someone first before you have sex with them is the way to go. It is a tried and trusted method of avoiding hurt for women especially who seem to care more about that sort of thing than men do.

I do understand though that we women often feel like throwing caution to the wind and just doing what comes naturally and to hell with the consequences by times. So I am not judging you.

I think you sound sensible enough to me and know what you have to do from now on. It's mostly down to luck anyway, so hope you meet someone nice soon.

BraziliaNZ

mike0c wrote: »

It's not necessairily a deal breaker but to be honest you should avoid it. There is a stigma attached. I know a lot of my friends agree with me on this one. After a first date or night out your not going to know if you really like this girl or not yet, you might be very interested but your still forming your opinion of her. So if she sleeps with you on the first night your going to be thinking, how many other guys has she slept with the first night?!

No there isn't a stigma against it, and only sexist, insecure morons would be thinking about how many guys she has slept with, why would you care? People like you give men a bad name.

Ickle Magoo

Okay - as this thread has been bumped from a month ago and the OP has had a range of answers, I'm locking the thread.

Could posters please avoid needlessly bumping threads that haven't been posted in in weeks.

Cheers.