Grand gestures in public

LegacyUser

I was just talking with my friends recently about public grand gestures of love - and have been wondering about it since. Why do people do it? I really can not understand the introduction of an audience into declarations of love. Any insight greatly appreciated.

I am not a particularly romantic person - well I am, but in my own way. Fortunately my partner is the same and it works for us. Other people are different and as long as both people in a partnership are of a similar mind, then that's great. But some stuff makes me really wonder.

For instance: A girl I know recently got engaged. He showed up at work with flowers and the ring and popped the question. She said yes and was delighted. Which was the main thing. However, he had seen her at home that morning and he saw her again that evening. If he wanted to surprise her surely he could have done something, anything that did not involve a cast of her office colleagues - with whom she has a friendly, but mostly professional relationship.

Other thing is Valentines. The amount of flowers/balloons/on-dear-god-children's-teddy-bears that are delivered to work, when people will see their partners later. I just don't get it. If you cant see your partner and work is the only place where you can definitely get delivered - that's one thing. Other than that - why make it so public? Are they demonstrating how lovable they are or how wonderful their relationship? To these people I would say that sending flowers takes just one phone call or a minute on the web. Flowers like this demonstrate the ability to type or to speak on the phone and to have a method of payment.

And don't get me started about people who propose on TV or at football matches! Is it so that under pressure, the person is more likely to say yes? Is it so that the viewers or fellow spectators can bask in the (smug?) love of the couple. I get being in love and wanting to shout it from the rooftops, but that does not mean you should. If you are that committed and want to declare it to all and sundry, get married - there's a whole ceremony dedicated to it!

But, for the day-to-day stuff. When I have witnessed it in the past, my reaction has varied between plain pity (when the recipient is mortified) to flat out cringe (when flowers are received with a theatrical gasp and a look around to ensure everyone in the vicinity has noticed).

So my question is - why does it appear that audience participation necessary for some people in their declarations of love?

Neyite

Its the same with Facebook statuses - gushing over their partner via facebook when they are sitting in the same room.

Grand Gestures is my idea of hell. It was fun when I was 16 and got a single rose sent to the school from an admirer, but 20 years on? Meh.

I get being in love and wanting to shout it from the rooftops

I think this might be it

I think for this one, I chalk it up to different people - different tastes

i wouldn't like to receive anything like flowers or whatever at work (or flowers in general) but i guess for some people it's what they're into

Storminateacup

I would kill (freak out) anybody who embarrased me like that in front of my work colleagues like that. there's a time and a place for all that malarky and work or public isn't the time nor the place in my opinion.

Malari

I'd hate to get flowers in work. I'd never get them home on the bike...:p

I would be pretty private about declarations of love like that, but I don't think I'd freak out either if it was a once in a lifetime thing in work.

magicianz

The only reason I think that I've ever heard is that the guy is putting his masculinity on the line by expressing his emotions in a public forum and leaving himself vulnerable to rejection, which can be quite an embarrassing experience.

Some women like a guy who is willing to appear vulnerable for them to the public, as for many guys, vulnerability is not a trait they wish to show.

Princess Peach

I got flowers in work last Valentines Day, because it was the only way for my boyfriend to get them to me. I was just so delighted to get them at all. And I will admit I was delighted that the managers I didn't like were jealous they got nothing from their husbands :pac:

I would hate getting proposed to in public, but if it's somebody elses thing, leave them off. I would honestly just be happy for them. I wouldn't make me cringe or anything unless it was happening to me. And anyone proposing to me will know me well enough not to do that.

If people like it and it makes them happy thats fine. And if I ever got flowers or whatever in work again, I would genuinely just be happy that someone was thoughtful enough to send them.

rainbow kirby

Each to their own, but I'd be rather embarrassed if someone decided to send flowers to work for Valentine's Day or do anything like that.

I remember when I was in school a girl in my class had flowers sent to the school by her BF at the time, and she got an absolutely incredible amount of stick for it. I felt sorry for her, tbh.

Kooli

I'd have the same questions, I don't really get it.

I've always thought these grand public proposals were driven more by the ego of the person doing the proposal than the desires of the person receiving it.

LegacyUser

Princess Peach wrote: »

I got flowers in work last Valentines Day, because it was the only way for my boyfriend to get them to me. I was just so delighted to get them at all. And I will admit I was delighted that the managers I didn't like were jealous they got nothing from their husbands :pac:

I would hate getting proposed to in public, but if it's somebody elses thing, leave them off. I would honestly just be happy for them. I wouldn't make me cringe or anything unless it was happening to me. And anyone proposing to me will know me well enough not to do that.

If people like it and it makes them happy thats fine. And if I ever got flowers or whatever in work again, I would genuinely just be happy that someone was thoughtful enough to send them.

Of course to each their own! But in these instances it is not just to each their own. They want to include others - that's the bit I dont get. As a witness to such proposals etc - it's not enough just to leave them to it, it is sort of implied that you should acknowledge it and smile benevolently or even better, envy their wonderful love.

Love is grand. Couples in love are grand. I'm not at all opposed to love or to people showing affection. But I am far more moved by an elderly couple in a cafe ignoring each other as they look around them, but he wordless moves the milk towards her so she doesn't have to reach for it - rather than some OTT proposal or some expensive floral arrangement that shouts a love-like-no-other to everyone around.

Princess Peach

StillCurious wrote: »

Of course to each their own! But in these instances it is not just to each their own. They want to include others - that's the bit I dont get. As a witness to such proposals etc - it's not enough just to leave them to it, it is sort of implied that you should acknowledge it and smile benevolently or even better, envy their wonderful love.

Love is grand. Couples in love are grand. I'm not at all opposed to love or to people showing affection. But I am far more moved by an elderly couple in a cafe ignoring each other as they look around them, but he wordless moves the milk towards her so she doesn't have to reach for it - rather than some OTT proposal or some expensive floral arrangement that shouts a love-like-no-other to everyone around.

If I was in a restaurant and a couple got engaged I would really be happy for them and congratulate them. If it was someone I know and they got engaged with all their friends there, I would also be happy. I don't think they do it to make people envious, maybe they just want the world to know, and have others share their joy. I much more understand doing it with friends, but if someone thinks a restaurant or the Eiffel tower or wherever is their romantic setting and that suits their relationship.

I don't do grand gestures but I love my boyfriend so much sometimes it just bursts out of my mouth. I remember having some drinks and telling my friends how great our relationship was and their reaction was they basically didn't want to hear about it. Now if a girl wanted to complain about her crap boyfriend we could listen to that all night. I might be getting into a whole different area here though.

I don't know, maybe some people aren't that comfortable with love being publicised in any way. Like I said, mad public proposals aren't for me but I can understand why some people like them. And I really don't think its to do with wanting to rub it in others faces, just to share the moment really.

careymary

oh lord, personally I would hate any type of grand gesture like that, I think the more private and intimate declarations of love and appreciation for your partner are more my style
I do have a friend whose boyfriend asked her to marry him after bringing her away for the weekend and choosing a romantic setting, he put a lot of effort into it, her response, I'll say yes if you surprise me with a proposal at a family gathering they were going to the following week, poor guy had to do it all over again in front of all her family, she said yes and they were 2 years married before she drunkenly told me the story of her engagement, when she sobered up she made me promise not to tell our friends, I havn't - the internet doesn't count! :P

beks101

It's very Hollywood though, isn't it. Love is never a quiet thing on the big screens, it's about the public declarations, the grand gestures, running through airports with fanfares, announcing undying love over loud speakers. Maybe that has an influence - maybe that goes some way towards making it more socially acceptable as 'romantic'.

Personally, it's just not my style. I'm all for love, it's what makes the world go round, but I wasn't raised to be flashy or in-your-face about it, I find that a bit vulgar to be honest. It's like there's an element of exhibitionism about it and even if it's coming from a loving place, it would feel a bit unnatural to me, almost contrived. Privacy has always been a big thing for me in relationships, knowing that you can escape into your own comfortable world together with your OH and though sometimes you care so deeply for someone you feel like you could explode, it's the shared private moments where you express that, that are a lot more meaningful to me than standing on a public stage and doing it to an audience.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Das Kitty

I've received flowers at work in the past. I actually thought I'd hate it but turned out I loved it, go figure. Then again, as the clumsiest person alive, I have long since lost my sense of embarrassment!

I've also witnessed two public proposals. The first was in a restaurant, it was lovely. The whole restaurant was all loved up after and we were all chatting to one another.

The second was two of our friends at a party, it was also fab, lots of tears all round followed by obligatory bawdy jokes.

The proposal I got was the total opposite, no one around, in the dark by the sea. Very us.

I suppose I'm just a big fan of love, regardless of how it's conveyed.

LegacyUser

I remember having some drinks and telling my friends how great our relationship was and their reaction was they basically didn't want to hear about it.

This is lousy. One of my friends recently found love (I myself think she had given up on ever finding someone) and her joy was almost palpable and I challenge anyone not to feel happy around that! Real friends are happy for friends who find happiness (in whatever form).

Although I think there are people out there who enjoy hearing bad stuff about other peoples' relationships because it makes them feel better about theirs. Sad really.

Das Kitty wrote: »

I suppose I'm just a big fan of love, regardless of how it's conveyed.

I too am a big fan of love, in fact I highly recommend it - but I am not so much a fan of the big productions in public. I suppose because I project it to myself and think how much I'd hate it - while I should just appreciate that people are different, that's their thing, some people love the drama, the attention and sharing (or perhaps showcasing) their wonderful relationship.

My OH has given me flowers in the past, however I really loved my last gift, which was bare-root apple trees for the garden. Although he should also consider gifts that do not involve me spending time wearing wellies in the rain and digging holes

Maple

I love love, in whatever shape or format it takes. If someone can find the guts within themselves to make a holy show of themselves by proposing in public then I applaud their bravery. I think it's nuts but I still love it.

Bubblefett

I've done drama all my life and I'm used to being on stage in front of loads of people and I'm always fine with it because I'm "acting." But put me as myself in front of people and I blush, and get tounge tied and my eyes water! So I'm not really one for being the centre of attention or the focus of grand gestures.

I love seeing them though- even last night I was watching a show were a few men where planning amazing public proposals for their other halves and I though it was really cute. Seeing the girls so emotional, suprised and excited warmed my heart, but I guess I'm a big softy :P

Maple

I just got flowers delivered to me in work. I'm over the moon. Because he remembered a throw away remark about my favourite flowers. I can't stop leaking tears all afternoon.

As grand gestures go, this one is pretty damn near perfect.

Honey-ec

I love this proposal:

Miss Fluff

Hmm, I just find it really very strange tbh and totally cringe. I think love and the dynamic between two people in love is so personal I don't get the need for an audience/public displays of

ohmygodwearesoinloveandeveryonemustknowthatwehavesexatleasttentimesadayandourrelationshipisperfect :rolleyes:

It just doesn't ring my bell at all.

I know my Mum has a friend who has been married to a total ba$tard for years now who has never physically abused her but has nurtered a sustained campaign of mental, emotional and financial abuse. I mean really awful things. And every year, without fail, he whisks her off for the night on Valentines and insists on a really grand gesture of public flowers, meals out, posh hotel etc and their relationship is an abusive farce.

So call me a cynic but regardless of grand gestures and PUBLIC gestures I always maintain nobody really knows what goes on between two people outside of the relationship regardless of how "public" and cringeworthy their declarations proclaim.

THENORTHSIDER

I have no problem sending flowers to my girlfriend when she is in work but the wife hates it when I send it to her in work:D

starlit

Not fond of that sort of thing. Think that should be between two people behind closed doors. Its a private thing, fair enough talk about it and share it with others if you want but someone declaring their love in front of others is a bit soppy unless they really really mean it. If its just the sake of a gesture then well I wouldn't have it to be honest. If its genuine I be ok with it but if its OTT then no.

I get embarrassed quiet easily so that sort of thing wouldn't go down too well with me no matter how much effort someone put into it. If its like a proposal or something I be ok with it but when its general occasions no.

I don't mind gestures like that behind doors but in public in front of people I would i'd put a stop to that.

Words is more sentimental than a gift or a token/gesture in public. Thought that counts but I be quiet bothered by someone going to the trouble to make that kind of effort. I rather they do it between us and us alone.

There is a time and a place for that sort of thing and that's at home! No where else!

Eviledna

Part of me feels that this negative reaction to public grand gestures is traditional Irish begrudgery. On the whole we aren't an expressive culture, and are more prone to the simple muted response and behind closed doors expression.

But imo this has created the notion that anything expressed in a public way is insincere, show-offery that is only displayed for the benefit of the audience. I'll admit I'm guilty of judging people like that, but have also been on the receiving end of the grand gesture, and though it was joyful and wonderful, other people's muttered begrudgery was palpable.

I wish it was a case that everyone could just be a fan of love (like das kitty ) and partake of the joy without the jealousy or revulsion. But I've yet to see that happen, or even feel it myself! We're a pretty negative people in that way.

southsiderosie

Honey-ec wrote: »

I love this proposal:

Ha!

If one of my friends asked me to help them plot some big crazy proposal scheme like that, I would love it.

That said, if my OH sprung one of those on me, I would die of embarrassment!

Different strokes for different folks, but I think whoever pops the question (it doesn't have to be the guy! ) should probably know their partner well enough to have a sense of what they would and would not like in a proposal.

Contessa Raven

I personally don't like the big grand public gestures because I hate being forced into the spotlight. (If I put myself there, it's grand! ) But I don't judge others who do.

I would hate for my bf to propose to me in a public place with lots of people around. I would die of embarrassment but when it happens to others I always feel really happy for them. Maybe I'm just a big (shy) romantic.

Kooli

I don't like them either, and while I don't mind if others like them or not, I hate the fact that they kind of force you to have one certain reaction (oh wooooow, how romantic, isn't he a staaaaar, he must really loooooove you) because anything else is seen as begrudgery or jealousy or something. When in fact I don't think they tell you a single thing about what kind of guy he is or how much he loves her.

LegacyUser

I got flowers, Choc & a teddy delivered to work yesterday.

I have to admit I was a little shamed and my first thought was "I'm going to kill him" but when I started thinking about it all I realised it was a lovely thought.

We have only been going out 6months and he really made an effort, which makes me feel really special. He said he wanted to surprise me and put a smile on my face while at work and it really did.
I am not one for public gestures either.

When I returned to my flat last night there he was with dinner on the table, bottle of wine and some wkds just in case I was feeling the wine

Went to bed feeling so special last night.

noddyone2

When do 'girls' become women? Or boys become men? 'Girls' in their twenties - WTF? Men in their thirties on 'boy's night out'? Time to grow up 'girls'.

rainbow kirby

noddyone2 wrote: »

When do 'girls' become women? Or boys become men? 'Girls' in their twenties - WTF? Men in their thirties on 'boy's night out'? Time to grow up 'girls'.

Not the topic of this thread. Stay on topic or do not post.

stacexD

On the bus last week waiting to leave i seen i couple eating the faces off eachother then when the guy got on the bus they both started crying. She sat at the bus stop watching us leave crying her eyes out. Then the guy turned out to be one of those people who like to have long loud conversations on the phone, he had only met her the night before

NeonCookies

My favourite times are when I'm alone with my boyfriend anyway, so any gestures undertaken then would simply make it even more amazing

Having said that though, last week I logged on to my Facebook, and there was a lovely message from my boyfriend expressing how much he loves me. It honestly made me smile, and we're not the type of couple who are all over each others page the whole time with "I u" etc etc. It was just a really nice surprise

Of course, it was followed by comments from our friends slagging him as he doesn't usually show his feelings in public! He replied to them saying that he guessed his very strong feelings for me overrode that part of his character momentarily.

Talking to him about it the next day he said that he was actually fairly tipsy when he wrote it. I asked why didn't he just say that on Facebook to the friends who were teasing him, and he said that he didn't see why he should have to explain it or redeem himself to them by saying he was drunk. That he meant every word anyway, and wasn't ashamed of it. That made me smile even more

Not really a "grand" gesture, but I suppose it was nice to have him publicly express it despite the (friendly) slagging.

Memnoch

I've been thinking about this recently.

I've been with my OH for 11 years, married for four. A few years ago I started sending her flowers on valentine's day at work and sometimes on her birthday. Now I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I've been a bit of a tool about it.

She seems to really love getting them, but she told me how a few days before valentines' she had a chat with her colleagues who were all quite down on the idea of people getting flowers at work in general (this is a different job to the one she was at the last few years). I really did want to send her flowers, especially since she is in a different city and we couldn't be together on Valentine's day but I didn't want to embarrass her, so I just gave her a present on the weekend beforehand and suggested that I mightn't send her flowers this time and she didn't mind at all.

I've always been a fan of grand gestures, though not usually in public. Because I think she's a really special girl and even though I do tell her how great I think she is and we always have a great time together, I think it's really worth reminding her from time to time just how special I think she really is. So now I'm not sure whether I should send her flowers at work on her birthday or next year on valentine's day, when it comes around again, or just give them to her at home?

LegacyUser

Memnoch wrote: »

I've been thinking about this recently.

I've been with my OH for 11 years, married for four. A few years ago I started sending her flowers on valentine's day at work and sometimes on her birthday. Now I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I've been a bit of a tool about it.

She seems to really love getting them, but she told me how a few days before valentines' she had a chat with her colleagues who were all quite down on the idea of people getting flowers at work in general (this is a different job to the one she was at the last few years). I really did want to send her flowers, especially since she is in a different city and we couldn't be together on Valentine's day but I didn't want to embarrass her, so I just gave her a present on the weekend beforehand and suggested that I mightn't send her flowers this time and she didn't mind at all.

I've always been a fan of grand gestures, though not usually in public. Because I think she's a really special girl and even though I do tell her how great I think she is and we always have a great time together, I think it's really worth reminding her from time to time just how special I think she really is. So now I'm not sure whether I should send her flowers at work on her birthday or next year on valentine's day, when it comes around again, or just give them to her at home?

As I said before, I don't get the public gestures and generally think they range from cringe-worthy to annoying to plain odd. However, I'm sure there are things I or my partner does that may delight me but make other people cringe. What works for some couples may really not work for others - we have seen in this thread is that some people love getting flowers etc. at work and other people don't.

Your wife has indicated she likes getting them ( you have been together for so long, I am sure if she didn't appreciate the gesture, she'd let you know) so you were definitely not a tool to send them and you should continue to send them if it makes you both happy.

However, it sounds that maybe her new office environment is different and she may be a little uncomfortable receiving them at work - so if you really wanted to send them to work, perhaps check again nearer her birthday?

As for 'just' give them to her at home? It can be far more intimate and lovely to present the flowers personally at home before work than to have some courier or reception deliver the flowers to her desk. There's no 'just' about that!

Julybride

It is absolutely bizarre. I guess they feel the need to show the world their lives! Has anybody seen that new tv programe (I forgot which channel) on which either a male or female proposes to his/her other half by for example: propose at the top of the mountain, with a choir etc... I just do not understand why anybody would want to share something so intimate & so special with the rest of the world. People feel ilke they have to do it with a bang! If it works for them, great but I personally would have been mortified!!!!

Kash

I say let them do whatever makes them happy, and to hell with the naysayers and begrudgers!

Everyone expresses their love differently: be that an over-the-top, public declarations of undying affection, or private handholding while you watch tv.

I was honestly surprised that so many people here in the lounge feel that it comes across as smug or offensive.

I would never be annoyed or upset by whatever anyone else does to show how happy they are - seeing other people in love makes me smile!