Friendship

pinkx101

What do people think of friends being totally obsessed with their girl/boyfriend? like when they don't try and make time for their friends and only want to be with their girl/boyfriend?
do you think you should still make an effort to be friends with them even though they don't return the effort?

Giselle

pinkx101 wrote: »

What do people think of friends being totally obsessed with their girl/boyfriend? like when they don't try and make time for their friends and only want to be with their girl/boyfriend?
do you think you should still make an effort to be friends with them even though they don't return the effort?

Anyone who drops you when there's someone on the scene isn't a proper friend imo. Especially if they expect you to be around and pick up the pieces if it all falls apart.

Dudess

It's fair enough in the early stages, and in a long-distance relationship it's reasonable that they'd want to spend whatever free time they can together, but otherwise it's completely unreasonable to make no effort with friends.

jaja321

Dudess wrote: »

It's fair enough in the early stages, and in a long-distance relationship it's reasonable that they'd want to spend whatever free time they can together, but otherwise it's completely unreasonable to make no effort with friends.

This. Totally understandable early on, but a balance needs to be found after a while. I personally would go crazy without having quality time with my friends too; its healthy imo

Kiera

Yo-yo friends. We have one of these in our gang and tbh i'm done with her at this stage. You only hear from her when she breaks up with the flavour of the month. Its cool if its just the start of a relationship or LDR like Dudess said but when they just yo-yo in and out of your life when they need company then their not much of a friend.

Mars Bar

It's not healthy for anybody in and outside the relationship.

Storminateacup

Yoyo friends can keep bouncing right after the relationship ends. No time for it

IrishEyes19

I have always believed you can balance the both. If you cant, theres something unhealthy about your relationship in the first place.

At the end of the day, relationships will come and go until you meet the one. But your true friends will be there when he/she isnt. So it's really selfish imo that when you do meet the one that you would abandon your friends.

Lady Chuckles

A few years ago I had two friends who dumped me because of this very issue.

My birthday was coming up and on that day I wanted the three of us to go out and have dinner, they wanted to bring their boyfriends but I didn't want them to as I'd then feel like the fifth wheel on my own birthday. They refused to understand where I was coming from and in the end, I got no birthday celebration, I was accused of disliking their boyfriends and thereby I wasn't a "real" friend

Seriously....? Would it hurt to be independent for a few hours? Is a boyfriend worth more than several years of friendship, especially when one is only asking for an evening? No, shame on such people, I says! :pac:

LegacyUser

I've had it happen to me when friends get with new boyf, dont hear from them and even when the new boyf phase over, trying to meet them is near impossible or else boyf is there, annoying when u want girly night.

I wouldnt let it happen from my side, last new fella i had, i said to myself, he's second after my friends, even though I was mad about him. So made arrangement with friends and kept them even if he wanted to meet

sambuka41

I've been on both sides of the problem!! I had a friend years ago who dumped me because I wasn't as happy about her relationship as she was, I didn't have a problem with the guy just that I began seeing more of him than my own family (got sick of the sight of him to be honest). She figured I should be as deliriously happy as she was (I had my own stuff going on in my life, I was supportive but not over the top about it, so she dumped me)

Now I'm older and moved to a more settled point in my life and another friend can't really accpet that. My interests have changed but she is still living the life of someone in her early 20's (we are early 30's) She guilts me about my relationship but really she hasn't moved on, she wants me to be her wing woman and go out all the time and get pissed (which I cant afford, or really have an interest in) I have other friends who I see in other circumstance than the pub :rolleyes:


Basically it can be easy to blame the relationship getting in the way when really other aspects influence what's happening. (I've never really had a yo yo friend though so maybe it can be that simple:p )

baby and crumble

sambuka41 wrote: »

Now I'm older and moved to a more settled point in my life and another friend can't really accpet that. My interests have changed but she is still living the life of someone in her early 20's (we are early 30's) She guilts me about my relationship but really she hasn't moved on, she wants me to be her wing woman and go out all the time and get pissed (which I cant afford, or really have an interest in) I have other friends who I see in other circumstance than the pub :rolleyes:


Basically it can be easy to blame the relationship getting in the way when really other aspects influence what's happening. (I've never really had a yo yo friend though so maybe it can be that simple:p)

This is a good point. I make sure to see my friends without my partner and she does vice-versa, but sometimes you just want to stay in and chill rather than go out on a mad one, which sometimes is all my single friends want to do- things I like doing socially ( coffee, dinner, board games nights etc) are viewed as boring...

Lady Chuckles

Perhaps we don't dare to say "I'm not into drinking/partying/etc, can't we just have dinner and call it a night instead?"

People are different. We have different interests and sometimes we grow apart.

However, isn't it easier to "blame" the boyfriend for not wanting to go out rather than to speak the truth (and risking to hurt someone's feelings)? Because thinking about it, I have never heard anyone say "I'm not into that type of thing." or "I don't want to."

Just a thought

baby and crumble

Lady Chuckles wrote: »

Perhaps we don't dare to say "I'm not into drinking/partying/etc, can't we just have dinner and call it a night instead?"

People are different. We have different interests and sometimes we grow apart.

However, isn't it easier to "blame" the boyfriend for not wanting to go out rather than to speak the truth? Because thinking about it, I have never heard anyone say "I'm not into that type of thing." or "I don't want to."

Just a thought

If I'm honest, I will say I dont like certain activities, and I just don't go. But you're right, I do use the other half as an excuse sometimes, and she does the same back. One of the perks.

sambuka41

Lady Chuckles wrote: »

However, isn't it easier to "blame" the boyfriend for not wanting to go out rather than to speak the truth (and risking to hurt someone's feelings)? Because thinking about it, I have never heard anyone say "I'm not into that type of thing." or "I don't want to.")

Ha my OH actually said it to me the other day, I didn't want to go out and he suggested using him as an excuse I didn't though cause in my eyes it just delays the problem. I really don't like town on a Saturday night, its too packed, too expensive, and too much hassle. So I was honest with my friend to which I got the reply that I was boring.:rolleyes: Give me a quiet pub anyday!!!!

The recession is my excuse these days (partly because Im broke but also for those boozy nights out or weekends away that I have no interest in!!!!)

pinkx101

my friend has a 6 month old baby with her boyfriend and she is only 18. ever since she got pregnant shes been distancing herself. I understand how hard it must be having a baby but from the beginning me and my other friend have been nothing but supportive of her and have helped her through it all. She is constantly with her boyfriend and even when i ask her to do something with us he always tags along. It gets really annoying and shes never the one to arrange things first its always me. She seems to have forgotten about all I've done for her and hasn't bothered to return the favour.
She thinks that the sun shines out of his ass and would gladly choose him over anyone else even if hes in the wrong. It ridiculous.

sambuka41

pinkx101 wrote: »

my friend has a 6 month old baby with her boyfriend and she is only 18. ever since she got pregnant shes been distancing herself. I understand how hard it must be having a baby but from the beginning me and my other friend have been nothing but supportive of her and have helped her through it all. She is constantly with her boyfriend and even when i ask her to do something with us he always tags along. It gets really annoying and shes never the one to arrange things first its always me. She seems to have forgotten about all I've done for her and hasn't bothered to return the favour.
She thinks that the sun shines out of his ass and would gladly choose him over anyone else even if hes in the wrong. It ridiculous.

I have friends who have children and really you do have to make some allowances for her here. She has more important things to be thinking about than meeting up with friends, her life is now in a very different place to yours.It can be hard esp seen as your friend is quite young.

As for the bolded part, he is the father of her child, and she is doing the right thing for her child by providing a stable environment. Baby and daddy have to be her priorities from now on. At 6 months old, she really needs all the help she can get!!! If I were in her shoes I'd be delighted to have the dad around all the time helping out. its a big adjustment and time of change.

You'll need to roll with the change or you could lose your friend.

pinkx101

sambuka41 wrote: »

You'll need to roll with the change or you could lose your friend.

Thanks for the advice. i thought this way at first, her having a baby is probably the reason we don't see each other as often but my other friend has had me convinced that she just didn't to be friends anymore, its probably because my other friend and her don't talk at all anymore where as i do try and make and effort with her. Its good to know she probably isn't intentionally trying to be distant it's just the way her life is atm.

doriansmith

I think it's pretty awful to drop friends like that. Obviously you're not going to see friends as much when they're in a relationship and that's fine, but there's no excuse for dropping off the face of the earth when you get a girl/boyfriend.

My boyfriend's best friend did this to him. They had been best friends since they were children and then a couple of years ago the friend started going out with a girl & dropped my boyfriend like a hot potato. You could count on one hand the number of times my boyfriend has heard from his 'friend' in the three years he's been with this girl. It's pretty insulting really & gives the impression that all those years of friendship meant nothing. I don't have an ounce of respect left for the guy now, people like that are pathetic.

CathyMoran

Some people are just at different life stages (eg if they have young children etc) - I tend to keep in touch by email, visits and calls at the moment partially because I have 2 children under 2 and also because I am not into pubs and have chronic fatigue from health issues.

iguana

It's also worth remembering that friendships change significantly over time. When I was a teenager and in my early 20s I saw my friends every single day, often several times a day. That's what you generally do when you are younger, especially if you live with your parents.

But as you get older that tends to change, people might see their friends weekly/monthly/less. It doesn't mean they are being bad friends it just means that their lives are wider. They maybe work longer hours, they have partners and children and pets and their own home. They don't have the same amounts of energy that they used to. And they have met more friends as their life has gone on. They have work friends, old work friends, old college friends, old school friends, friends from their evening class/sports team, friends from their old evening class/sports team. They don't all live as close and there is a big difference between crossing the road/going around the corner to your friend's house and having an hour+ round trip to town to meet up or get to the other's home. Or some people move city or country.

In this case OP your friend has a young baby, you can't expect her to be the same as she was before or have time for the same things. Her life has changed enormously and she is probably very tired a lot of the time. Instead of expecting her to make the effort and go to you I think you'll need to make the effort and go to her. How about just calling over with a cake and having a cup of tea and a chat?

deiselack

I agree with nearly all of the posts on here. I was that girl once that met a guy and completely 'forgot' about my friends. They tried to tell me that i was being selfish, too into him etc...a lot of stuff happened..I didn't listen.. Then me and the bf broke up. I came so close to losing my friends over this guy but it was my own fault, I didn't make the effort with them. I was so consumed with this guy and thought they'd be there and I could call them anytime but they told me they were very close to calling it quits with me. Boy, did I learn my lesson!

I think some young women today cannot be without a man. They think the world will come to an end if they're not with someone..or there's something 'wrong' with them if they're on their own. I'm single a couple of years and have to say I love it! My own place, no one else to worry about and can do what I want when I want, treat myself, look after me. It might sound selfish but hey, who else is gonna do it for me?? I know it's a corny phrase but if you don't love yourself how'd you expect others to? Tut away ladies but it's true! Put yourself first girls, never forget ur friends, guys will come and go but friends are there for good! Trust me, I learned the hard way.

Nyan Cat

There's a big difference between expecting friends to go out and meet up all the time like you used to - and those that don't reply to any attempts at contact.

There comes a point when you have to just accept its not gonna happen and forget them - I was best friends with one girl like this 8 years ago. We'd been friends almost ten years. One day she got a boyfriend. I suspected as much as she was suddenly all happy and bouncy. But then within days shed stop signing in to her chat thingie as she would be on a private one with her fella all the time when not together. (like yahoo chat), texts and emails etc became less frequent. It's to be expected with a new relationship so I kept up the 'contact' at my end. We rarely saw each other face to face as she was in the uk. I flew over to see her a few months after this started and she spent the entire time we spent together, on her phone or texting her fella. That really pissed me off, it wasn't exactly a new relationship by then.
But I still kept trying as we used to be good friends but she dropped off the face of the planet. I occasionally sent the odd email or snail mail over the years but she never responded. I never confronted her about it all do it's not that that caused it.
I've given up now. You can only do so much. I still wonder if they're together or what though!

Very unhealthy to cease to exist as an individual when you're with someone.

dearg lady

Definitely very frustrating when someone does this, I have had a couple of friends like this over the years. I've found myself I've gone too far the other way, so concerned with NOT acting this way that I would neglect a boyfriend somewhat. This has only really become an issue in my current relationship where I feel like this is for the long term, but I'm struggling to get the balance right.

Another related issue I've found recently, and I think I brought this up in another thread, is that my single friends don't ask me out as much these days, it's like they only want single people on a night out, so that kinda sucks a bit. But I don't really take offence, it's just how things go!

booboo88

dearg lady wrote: »

Definitely very frustrating when someone does this, I have had a couple of friends like this over the years. I've found myself I've gone too far the other way, so concerned with NOT acting this way that I would neglect a boyfriend somewhat. This has only really become an issue in my current relationship where I feel like this is for the long term, but I'm struggling to get the balance right.

Another related issue I've found recently, and I think I brought this up in another thread, is that my single friends don't ask me out as much these days, it's like they only want single people on a night out, so that kinda sucks a bit. But I don't really take offence, it's just how things go!

To be fair, I think its just the single woman complex(the feeling of going to end up with 20 cats and alone)
Ive been there, you feel slightly inadequate that you cant find someone you click with(im still there) Im not saying its right

dearg lady

booboo88 wrote: »

To be fair, I think its just the single woman complex(the feeling of going to end up with 20 cats and alone)
Ive been there, you feel slightly inadequate that you cant find someone you click with(im still there) Im not saying its right

Sorry, probly should have been clearer, we still see each other often, just they tend not to ask me out for big nights out as much, I think they don't see me as a good wingwoman anymore

Peoples priorities often change when they get into a relationship, so it can happen that they won't be interested in the same activities as their single friends. Thats ok, as long as both make an effort to compromise and see each other.