Unmarried father...

Lola92

Dudess wrote: »

Very true Lola. But not paying anything at all though - seems counter-productive IMO.

I think this depends on the circumstances. If both parents are equally maintaining their child/children then I don't understand why any money should have to pass hands. There may be some exceptions to this - splitting the cost of uniforms as an example I used in my earlier post.

I am honestly gobsmacked by the way some women treat the fathers of their children - in most cases that I know of they are unmarried fathers. My partners ex being one. She lost her job and so was looking for further contributions from my OH at the start of the school year. He paid up no questions asked and later found out she used the money to go on a hens weekend abroad rather than spend the money on her son. This same woman often decides on a whim that he shouldn't see his son, or if he doesn't bring him to a certain play centre/(insert other expensive day out here) then she will just take him instead and he needn't bother seeing him. She refuses to sign joint guardianship papers and if he takes her to court for it she will make his life hell, she is a vindictive woman and has done it before.

We have a child together and are not married. I have always been of the opinion that should we ever split up in the future that my OH is my daughters dad and nothing would change that. They have a wonderful relationship - I can not understand why a parent would deny their own child another loving adult, and in a lot of cases the whole family, grandparents etc.

It makes me so angry knowing that for every mother that behaves in that way there are probably a dozen more who wish their child could have their father in their life as a positive role model.

Caraville

Millicent wrote: »

Oh God, I'm so sorry to hear that and am reminded how backwards a system is when grandparents have more of a right to adopt a child than his own father.

And even at that it was probably only allowed because Foghladh's mother was still in the picture/alive meaning there was a grandmother at the very least.

I love Ireland, but God is it backwards at times.

Fiona

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

if only you could see the metaphorical hoops i have to jump through to see my daughter....

Funny thing is (not funny at all)...I'm being treated like a woman abuser and I never behaved out of line with a woman in my life, it's simply inconvenient for my ex that I am alive!

I think you and my husband must share the same ex :mad:

maiden wrote: »

He never paid his 30 euro a week maint, but such is life, his loss!

€30 is quite low, my husband pays €80 a week. No complaints about it either, if your not going to see the chidl you would think they would at least contribute finacially.

Fromthetrees wrote: »

I have read here on boards that if a father is denied access to his children despite the fact that he has been awarded access in court that there are no real repercussions for the mother, meaning that mothers call the shots no matter what and the father is at the mercy of the mother.

Not true. My husbands ex was threatened with imprisonment as she was not encouraging the relationship between father and daughter.

We took daughter on her first foreign holiday with us, on day 2 she started acting like little madam.

Father / daughter arguement ensued and mother flew over to 'take daughter home'. They stayed the rest of the week in the same resort as us, we found that out later on as we were spied on for the week and acused of having fun without her :rolleyes:


(one has to wonder was the whole thing orchastrated by the mother)

I might add the argument was about her having a nap before we went to a show that night after she had been at the pool all day.

Daughter decided that she didn't want to see her Dad for a while, this developed into 6 months. No phone calls returned, husband rang daily nothing all the while he was still financially maintaining child.

Went back to court and the judge basically saw red with the mother and threatened to jail her if access was not restored within a week. He saw right through her and the pathetic excuses that she came up with.

She also told bare faced lies in the box and he caught her out. Glad he threw the book at her and told her to cop on learn how to be a proper parent.

Everything all good now, this was 2 years ago. I would hate to be a single father in this country, every man who does the right thing for his child and fights his case is a hero in my book.

Dudess wrote: »

Man with a baby - girl magnet.

Eh no it's hard work, if I had to do it all again I would run a mile.

Ash.J.Williams

My baby has a condition that affects her mothers ability to arrange visits. The condition is she cries, drools and gets wind.....

Yeah i was tempted to set up an account for the kid and pay maintanance into it until things improve but decided not to as that would affect my kids welfare. thing is....
I know my money is vanishing into my ex's massive financial celtic tiger mess of a mortgage.....

200yrolecrank

Fromthetrees wrote: »

Today, I was at the family law court to have my application for co-guardianship and joint custody heard.

Long story...

The mother of my daughter agreed to sign the forms ten minutes before we were about to go into the judge. I'm very happy with the outcome.

My question is, why did I have to go to court just to get some basic rights over my daughter?

What pissed me off although I accept it, is that my solicitor made it clear in the written document that we both signed is that the mother is the primary care giver, like I said, I accept this but the judge went on to add a few more paragraphs to give the mother more control, despite the fact that agreement had been reached between both parties before we entered the court room. I genuinely feel there is a strong bias against fathers in our laws and legal system.

I actually think I'm lucky, I get 50% access to my daughter and a say in what happens, up until today it was all literally at the discretion of the mother, that just seems sick to me.

I think there is something wrong with a de facto situation where every single father who has a child outside of marriage has as many rights over them as the bottle of beer beside me.

I think we need to adopt a system similar to the US, if a father has no interest in his child, fine, automatically garnish his income and that's that, but if he wants to be involved in the childs life than give him these rights and responsibilities without having to go through the court system to get some.

I've a mate in a similar situation I never knew it was this bad here until he told me.
The mother truest to blackmail him by threatening to take the son away if he doesn't play by her rules.

Foghladh

mrs crilly wrote: »

I think you and my husband must share the same ex :mad:

Or maybe you both share the same husband! Now that would make for an interesting thread!

Liam Byrne

Bannasidhe wrote: »

Given that the relevant legislation was written in 1964 (http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1964/en/act/pub/0007/sec0006.html#zza7y1964s6) its stretching it a bit to blame this on the feminist movement :rolleyes:

Ah yes, but the "equality" brigade have gotten all of the "relevant legislation" changed. You don't see it still in the statute book that a woman must quit her job if she gets married or pregnant.

No - only the pro-women changes have been carried through; and beyond, considering the Dáil is proposing so-called "positive discrimination", ignoring the fact that the second word in that phrase is what we are supposed to be stamping out.

Ash.J.Williams

200yrolecrank wrote: »

I've a mate in a similar situation I never knew it was this bad here until he told me.
The mother truest to blackmail him by threatening to take the son away if he doesn't play by her rules.

Yeah i'm in same boat.

dollyk

Long story, six kids most grown, and split up from my ex, Our then 14 year old daughter decided after a year that she would prefer to live with dad mostly as we had to move and she had settled in school. So after a discussion , she lived with him mon to fri, and came to me fri evening to sunday evening. And guess what , my mother and family would not talk to me for ages, you would think i had given her to the wolves..Result shes 20 now, well adjusted, and happy..

py2006

xsiborg wrote: »

i dont consider it to be insane, there are far more unmarried fathers who do not want anything to do with their children compared to the amount that do, and even less that are willing to go as far as going to court to formalise access and guardianship rights.

I find that very hard to believe.

Bannasidhe

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Ah yes, but the "equality" brigade have gotten all of the "relevant legislation" changed. You don't see it still in the statute book that a woman must quit her job if she gets married or pregnant.

No - only the pro-women changes have been carried through; and beyond, considering the Dáil is proposing so-called "positive discrimination", ignoring the fact that the second word in that phrase is what we are supposed to be stamping out.

But you assume no-one in the 'equality' brigade is working to get it changed. I have had meetings with the last 3 minister's for children about this. I have made representations to everyone from Mary Robinson to Michael D Higgins to Enda Kenny to Bertie Aherne. I have even fund raised to bring a case before the European Court of Human Rights unless the upcoming referendum on children's rights deals with the situation re unmarried father's.

By don't mind me...I just believe in equality. What have you done Liam apart from try and blame women?

Dudess

If any friend of mine refused to let her child(ren)'s father see them despite him being a good dad and only because of her gripe with him... I'd have to question my friendship with her.

mrs crilly wrote: »

Dudess wrote: »

Man with a baby - girl magnet.

Eh no it's hard work, if I had to do it all again I would run a mile.

'Twas a joke - the phenomenon of a man sensitively holding a baby getting attention from ladies like bees to honey.

StRiKeR

I have recently been granted sole custody of my almost 3 years old daughter, it wasn't a tough battle for me, which I was very lucky, the mother never turned up and refused to let me see my daughter till we go to court for court order, so none of her statement make sense, after the mother not turn up 3 times and for my application being sole custody, I was granted sole custody and transferred from the mother to me. it sounds like a soft man but I tell you I almost cried when I heard it in court, that's how happy I was. the mother was trying to cut me off from my daughter completely forever as she applied for barring order against me in the middle of me taking her to court for custody, so I now have to get the garda in 2 different towns to go to court for me in june, all that for nothing since I have never done anything to her, hence I had to get those garda's to go to court for me.

StRiKeR

just an update, I been granted sole custody due to the fact that my ex accused that the court letter for first sitting was fake, second sitting she claimed to be sick and 3rd sitting just had no respond from her what so ever, there for she never onced turned up, and the entire time avoiding my access to my daughter.

my ex went to the court 7 days after that, and yesterday which is the 8th days since I got sole custody, I got a letter from the court, "Notice of application to *VARY/DISCHARGE order.
the end of the letter says "To WIT Custody and or access to applicant"

I don't know how this is going to turn out, anyone have any insight??
I have a solicitor all this time going to court.


cheers

FueledByAisling

I'm sorry to hear about all the crap you're going through atm OP The law is unfair, I think if the father does want to be around the child more then they should be! I grew up with a dad who left when I was 12 and never looked back. Even though he left when I was 12 I still wish he left before I was even born. If you haven't done anything bad to your children and always have been there then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be allowed more days. A fall out between you and your wife has nothing to do with the kids and they shouldn't be stuck in the middle of your troubles.

Ash.J.Williams

Well i've tried everything, and i'm getting even less access, it seems my ex cannot leave our daughter for a second. Now i know that's understandable but surely not at the expense of our daughter having time with her dad. So it's over to my solicitor now. To be honest it's my only chance, and i am s**ting it right now....Can anyone put my mind at ease about court? I have done nothing wrong. paying maintenence, buying for baby, I just cannot get passed the front door without an argument and threats to leave or the gardai will be called. I've tried to bite my tongue but her level of argument is something i have never witnessed before in my life and that may seem strange, but man....it's something else!

catthinkin

StRiKeR wrote: »

just an update, I been granted sole custody due to the fact that my ex accused that the court letter for first sitting was fake, second sitting she claimed to be sick and 3rd sitting just had no respond from her what so ever, there for she never onced turned up, and the entire time avoiding my access to my daughter.

my ex went to the court 7 days after that, and yesterday which is the 8th days since I got sole custody, I got a letter from the court, "Notice of application to *VARY/DISCHARGE order.
the end of the letter says "To WIT Custody and or access to applicant"

I don't know how this is going to turn out, anyone have any insight??
I have a solicitor all this time going to court.


cheers

maybe go on the legal forum ? seems unbelievable she has the right to overturn this so quick ? must be so stressful for you hope it works out for all of the dads here who want to see their kids .

StRiKeR

reallly dont know how this is going to end , I been accused of being abusive and violence, so waiting for social worker report, but I was also assaulted by the person who accused me of having done those things right before the judge

Fiona

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Well i've tried everything, and i'm getting even less access, it seems my ex cannot leave our daughter for a second. Now i know that's understandable but surely not at the expense of our daughter having time with her dad. So it's over to my solicitor now. To be honest it's my only chance, and i am s**ting it right now....Can anyone put my mind at ease about court? I have done nothing wrong. paying maintenence, buying for baby, I just cannot get passed the front door without an argument and threats to leave or the gardai will be called. I've tried to bite my tongue but her level of argument is something i have never witnessed before in my life and that may seem strange, but man....it's something else!

Your doing the right thing. Do what your solicitor tells you. Keep a diary of all contact. Keep paying your maintenence. And most of all keep calm. You will get access just get into that court. Be the bigger person. The judge will see that trust me.

Executive Steve

robman60 wrote: »

It's all part of the way sexism has gone full circle.

It used to be that discrimination was accepted if it were perpetrated against women, which was dumb of course.

Then the feminist movement started and it no longer became acceptable for women to be equal, they had to be seen as better.

So yeah, that's the reason men struggle to see their children and most women at nightclubs are bitches.

Christ almighty, just when you think you've become completely desensitised to the bang of bitter misogyny you go and open a thread like this and see a post like that.

Fromthetrees

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Well i've tried everything, and i'm getting even less access, it seems my ex cannot leave our daughter for a second. Now i know that's understandable but surely not at the expense of our daughter having time with her dad. So it's over to my solicitor now. To be honest it's my only chance, and i am s**ting it right now....Can anyone put my mind at ease about court? I have done nothing wrong. paying maintenence, buying for baby, I just cannot get passed the front door without an argument and threats to leave or the gardai will be called.

Ring treoir for some practical advice, ask them to send you out their info pack too.
http://www.treoir.ie/contact-contact.php

Try to see the kid regularly, for 2 minutes or 3 nights, go for a walk, go for a drive, anything, just keep contact. My solicitor said to keep a log of all the times I had my kid but I didn't think I needed to, pretty stupidly, but it wasn't necessary for me in the end, in most cases it is probably for the best.
Take pictures, keep receipts, record maintenance payments, mark out your bank statements, if you can get get family and friends involved do.


Actually being in court is obviously not fun but it is 'in camera' so there's no real life trolls or rubberneckers or anyone at all, makes being in there less intimidating.

Whatever happens, don't let her ring the guards, any report from them will only effect you when it comes to court.

Consider mediation...

I've tried to bite my tongue but her level of argument is something i have never witnessed before in my life and that may seem strange, but man....it's something else!

I apoligise for this, no offence to anyone intended but from my experience some woman go batsh1t crazy after having a baby, if it's the hormones or post natal depression or something else it can be quite intense, I guess just thread carefully. Good luck.

Ash.J.Williams

Sweet jaysus...just as access is settling into almost routine...the ex decides to move to a place over the 100 mile mark! I'll be in court the rest of my life sorting this out.

Bannasidhe

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Sweet jaysus...just as access is settling into almost routine...the ex decides to move to a place over the 100 mile mark! I'll be in court the rest of my life sorting this out.

Same thing happened my son - and as neither he nor his ex can drive and for medical reason I no longer drive it falls to my OH (who is no relation to the kids but loves them to pieces) to do the horrendous drive every second weekend - can take up to 5 hours :mad:.
Plus she wants us to drive to collect on Xmas Eve and return the kids on Xmas Day.

What is really getting my goat is that in court her father agreed to do half the driving (we collect from her/he collects from us or meet halfway) but hasn't done so for over a year now so it's all on us and if we complain we are made to feel guilty. :mad:

Ash.J.Williams

Bannasidhe wrote: »

Same thing happened my son - and as neither he nor his ex can drive and for medical reason I no longer drive it falls to my OH (who is no relation to the kids but loves them to pieces) to do the horrendous drive every second weekend - can take up to 5 hours :mad:.
Plus she wants us to drive to collect on Xmas Eve and return the kids on Xmas Day.

What is really getting my goat is that in court her father agreed to do half the driving (we collect from her/he collects from us or meet halfway) but hasn't done so for over a year now so it's all on us and if we complain we are made to feel guilty. :mad:

The surprised head on her to my reaction!! "mm ok"....in my head i was thinking ....man there is nothing i can do here only negotiate favourable driving terms!!

Bannasidhe

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

The surprised head on her to my reaction!! "mm ok"....in my head i was thinking ....man there is nothing i can do here only negotiate favourable driving terms!!

I hear you! If OH is late due to roadworks (happens quite often- record was 40 minutes stuck outside Buttevant) it's feed of abuse time from someone who has done the journey maybe twice as a passenger.
Does she drive? A friend of mine went to court to get her ex to meet at a specified half way point - might be different in that case has they were divorced .

Am urging son to go back to court ASAP as at the moment all he has is joint guardianship and her move has blown the Fri-Mon agreement out of the water as the eldest has started school so has to be home by Sunday evening or face a 6 a.m. start. His ex is adamant that they be home by 5 p.m. so he has effectively lost a day of his court agreed access.

repsol

Bannasidhe wrote: »

Same thing happened my son - and as neither he nor his ex can drive and for medical reason I no longer drive it falls to my OH (who is no relation to the kids but loves them to pieces) to do the horrendous drive every second weekend - can take up to 5 hours :mad:.
Plus she wants us to drive to collect on Xmas Eve and return the kids on Xmas Day.

What is really getting my goat is that in court her father agreed to do half the driving (we collect from her/he collects from us or meet halfway) but hasn't done so for over a year now so it's all on us and if we complain we are made to feel guilty. :mad:

Wouldn't it be terrible if you had "car trouble" on Xmas day when it was time to bring the kids back and had to keep them until St Stephens Day;)

Ash.J.Williams

I'll be fighting hard to get the halfway meeting point!

Bannasidhe

repsol wrote: »

Wouldn't it be terrible if you had "car trouble" on Xmas day when it was time to bring the kids back and had to keep them until St Stephens Day;)

Ha - she kicked off when we had that blizzard at Xmas 2 years ago - when her father was still doing his agreed share - because we were 5 minutes late getting back from taking the kids to see their great-grand parents. I can only imagine her reaction to being told no kids til Stephens

I have already said no way to the Xmas eve/Xmas day drive - it's bad enough that OH has to give up her day off to do the Friday drive without her Xmas being ruined as well.

I adore my grandkids and would love to see them Xmas morning (son currently lives back with us) but I am sick to death of being held to ransom by someone who has flaunted every agreement she made in court.

Son is swinging between dispair and rage as he has never seen his son on Xmas morning.

Ash.J.Williams

So what happens when the ex cannot fulfill the court order? it just gets torn up?

Bannasidhe

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

So what happens when the ex cannot fulfill the court order? it just gets torn up?

No idea. But anecdotal evidence suggests the courts are reluctant to enforce orders which makes one wonder what the point of them is.

If circumstances genuinely change then surely a return to court to renegotiate should occur but if either party is simply ignoring the court orders then to my mind that is contempt of court and should be treated as such. Doesn't seem to happen with the Family Court though...