Approaching People / Making The First Move

Rick_

If you were out in a bar and you saw someone you fancied, would you approach them or would you try and get their attention and let them know you are interested, then wait until they approached you?

What about elsewhere, say online for example. If you were on a dating website or even a forum like this and you saw someone you fancied, would you be direct and send them a message or would you look at their profile several times so they know you've been looking and are possibly interested and then hope they'd contact you?

My attempts at being direct usually fail so I'm currently in the "I hope they make the first move" camp and seeing how that goes for me (I'm guessing even less successful than the direct approach!

What's your way of doing things? What do you do to introduce yourself, do you use a cheesy line or rattle off facts and figures about yourself or what?!

Intouch9

It's been a while since I've been looking for someone (with by BF for 3 years) but I used to be all about eye contact and small smiles while out and it worked. Then, once the guy I wanted was getting a drink and providing we had done the eye contact thing for a while, I'd go up and buy it for them and strike up a convo.

baby and crumble

I am notoriously dim for seeing someone fancies me, and tbh when I was single (8 years ago) I was scared of my own shadow, so I never made any kind of move, ever. (It drove my now girlfriend nuts because apparently she was flirting like mad and waiting for me to make the first move. Suffice to say, she got impatient. )

As for looking at someones profile to let them know you're interested... is that a thing? Oh God, now I'm wondering what people think when I check their profiles... :eek:

Although now that I'm a bit older and have a bit more confidence in myself, I think I'd probably try so strike up a conversation and see what happens. I suppose it's easier said than done though...

Rick_

On websites like gaydar where you can leave a "track" its a way of letting people know you've looked at their profiles, so that can be seen as a way of showing interest. Even on boards it hows your most recent visitors on your profile so you can see who has checked you out, so to speak.

Yes, striking up a conversation with new people is easier said than done, but at least in a bar the alcohol can give you a bit of confidence to go for it as I also would be the type to hold back and hope someone approached me!

Intouch9

Than I'm telling you... it's all about eye contact. you need to be able to judge it though, are they looking at you like they would a fly in their drink or is it a good luck? It takes a really confident guy to walk up to you without any egging on, so give a sign like raising an eye brow or smiling or something and off you go!

Aurongroove

Next time I'm out I've made a resolution that no matter how nervous I am I have to approach and talk to one person, I'm sure they'll want to hear all about my opinions on cat behavior and the sell by dates on cheez wizz.

On another website I also recently sent a message asking this guy out after looking at his profile. first time ever.
Every split second I don't get a reply feels like an anvil dangling over my balls by a rope being burned by a candle.

Slang_Tang

Paddy C wrote: »

On websites like gaydar where you can leave a "track" its a way of letting people know you've looked at their profiles, so that can be seen as a way of showing interest. Even on boards it hows your most recent visitors on your profile so you can see who has checked you out, so to speak.

I dunno. Unless someone's changed their settings on Gaydar, tracks are automatic. Same on Boards, I think? So it's not always a sign of interest.

Intouch9

Yeah, they're automatic on most sites I think.

Aurongroove

two men in a gay bar.

Man one
"if you saw someone across the room who you liked, you didn't want to give a bad first impression, and basically just wanted to have a conversation with, what would you say to them?"

Man two
"I dunno, something like, how are you, mind if I sit down?"

Man one
"how are you, mind if i sit down?"

Pacifist Pigeon

I'd probably say something like, "Hey dude, did you just fart because you like totally blew me away."

Paddy C wrote: »

Even on boards it hows your most recent visitors on your profile so you can see who has checked you out, so to speak.

Damn. Now everyone's going to think I'm a perv.

Barna77

Aurongroove wrote: »

On another website I also recently sent a message asking this guy out after looking at his profile. first time ever.
Every split second I don't get a reply feels like an anvil dangling over my balls by a rope being burned by a candle.

I hear you ...

I've done the first move a few times, but on that other website Epic fails. I've never tried face to face in a bar or pub. Too shy!! Well, I did once, but i was pretty drunk, and there was the proverbial eye contact, smile and "flirt". Nah....

Rick_

The tracks are automatic, but on gaydar at least you have the option to remove the track if you don't want the person to know you were looking at them. So I would have thought leaving one was a way of letting them know you were 'eyeing them up' in a way.

Aurongroove, I'm lovin' your posts on here. You sound so funny and weirdly random, a great trait in a guy (I think, anyway).

Where ya from...? :eek::cool::pac:

azezil

Paddy C wrote: »

The tracks are automatic, but on gaydar at least you have the option to remove the track if you don't want the person to know you were looking at them. So I would have thought leaving one was a way of letting them know you were 'eyeing them up' in a way.

Eh no, I doubt very many people would bother removing tracks, I know I never do but more often than not I look at guys and decide I'm not interested. When I am interested I send a message or at the very least leave one of those icon thingies like "you're interesting" "get in touch if you're interested" etc. but that's only when I'm feeling very lazy.

An automatic track to me means nothing.

Rick_

I remove tracks if I don't like the person/profile I was looking at...

Maybe that's where I've been going wrong with gaydar all these years... damnit!

Davyhal

I don't know if you would say I would make the 1st move, cos to be honest, a lad could be dry humping me and I would still say that he is only being friendly. Always oblivious to when someone is coming on to me... I find it hard to hit on someone, but I don't find it difficult to talk to someone in a friendly way. That's why I always just start friendly general chat in the smoking areas. I usually find that if they hang out after they have finished their cigarette, or if they light another, it's usually a good sign!!!

Aurongroove

Right, well messaging didn't go well, I got a well reasoned and kind 'no thanks'.

Let's see how we fare out at the weekend. if that's a no as well, then I dunno, blind dates? speed dates, blind speed dates? throw a bottle into the sea?, oh wait no that would be dumping...

baby and crumble

It's when I read threads like this that I am so pleased I'm not single. I just couldn't hack it, I think... Fair play, guys!!

Rick_

Aurongroove wrote: »

Right, well messaging didn't go well, I got a well reasoned and kind 'no thanks'.

Let's see how we fare out at the weekend. if that's a no as well, then I dunno, blind dates? speed dates, blind speed dates? throw a bottle into the sea?, oh wait no that would be dumping...

Where are you messaging people? Gaydar?

Oh, and you didn't even reply to my PM. <huffs>

i_steal_sheep

Paddy C wrote: »

I remove tracks if I don't like the person/profile I was looking at...

Maybe that's where I've been going wrong with gaydar all these years... damnit!

Well, back in the day I clicked a track on my Gaydar profile - he was giving very little away but I kinda liked the sound of him so I left him a track back. Within a short while, he sent me a message that managed to give even less away .. along the lines of 'Hey, how are you?' Anyway, 18 months later we are still together and I still get butterflies and feel giddy all over every time I see him. Just sayin', is all

floggg

Aurongroove wrote: »

Right, well messaging didn't go well, I got a well reasoned and kind 'no thanks'.

Let's see how we fare out at the weekend. if that's a no as well, then I dunno, blind dates? speed dates, blind speed dates? throw a bottle into the sea?, oh wait no that would be dumping...

Gaydar/grindr etc are basically a war if attrition. You'll leave plenty of messages which get either (a) no reply; (b) a polite no thanks; (c) a rude no thanks or (d) a picture of a penis and directions to his house. Every so often though you'll get a reply from somebody worthwhile who over the course of a few messages reveals himself to be a really nice and genuine guy who's worth getting to know and you take it from there.

Anyway, I don't really think you can go chasing love. It will find you in its own good time. In the meantime, go out and socialise, go on a few dates and enjoy yourself.

As for coming onto people or approaching them, I find some gay men can be fairly forward (in a good way) about their attractions. I've had a few guys just flat out tell him they really liked me. Once I was talking to two guys all night who towards the end of the night had a fight right in front of me about who "got" me (I should have been insulted I guess, but they let me choose and the tall one was cute).

I probably feel a little more confident myself now in chatting up guys as well. For one, they are easier to read than women, so once you strike up a casual conversation with them it's not always hard to tell whether there might be something more between you - at which point you can make a move or just keep it friendly and casual depending on their response.

More so, I think coming out has done wonders for my confidence - I now know that my self worth isn't dependant on other peoples perception of me, so if I get rejected my whole world won't collapse around me.

That said, in still not exactly a player, and my game could use more polish, but practice makes perfect!

Slang_Tang

floggg wrote: »

Gaydar/grindr etc are basically a war if attrition. You'll leave plenty of messages which get either (a) no reply; (b) a polite no thanks; (c) a rude no thanks or (d) a picture of a penis and directions to his house.

This is quite accurate, but there is also (e) The guy who won't meet up but will take the time to tell you precisely why. I once got a message that said although the guy thought I was very cute, I should cut my hair differently to increase attractiveness. He even sent a Google image link of a haircut!

I was probably quite huffy at the time, but find it hilarious in retrospect.

Slang_Tang

baby and crumble wrote: »

It's when I read threads like this that I am so pleased I'm not single. I just couldn't hack it, I think... Fair play, guys!!

Yeah, especially if you're a gay/bi man. Dating in an all-male environment is like a mix between Planet of the Apes and an Indiana Jones movie.

Intouch9

Slang-Tang - Your post just made my life. Move to Dublin already.

Aoifums

Davyhal wrote: »

I don't know if you would say I would make the 1st move, cos to be honest, a lad could be dry humping me and I would still say that he is only being friendly. Always oblivious to when someone is coming on to me... I find it hard to hit on someone, but I don't find it difficult to talk to someone in a friendly way.

I'm the exact same. Or I'll realise that someone was hitting on me two days later. Someone tried to set me up with their friend and I only realised it the following weekend I probably looked like such a bitch.

Rick_

Slang_Tang wrote: »

Yeah, especially if you're a gay/bi man. Dating in an all-male environment is like a mix between Planet of the Apes and an Indiana Jones movie.

Damn you, now I can't stop humming the Indiana Jones theme music in my head! :mad:

Conor30

It's all about eye contact and smiling! Some guys might get the eyeing up part right but then forget to smile, just staring you out of it!! That's no good and could scare someone off!! A quick look, then look away, then look again about 5 seconds later and SMILE!

These days, I often approach a guy I fancy or if I see him looking at me. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that! I'm realising more and more that life is short and sometimes you only get one shot at things. Just do it, as NIKE proclaims!

I find the rather formal, stiff atmosphere that can be in gay bars like Pantibar and, especially the FL, doesn't help matters. Sometimes, you can only decide you fancy someone after having chatted with them, but some guys make themselves utterly unapproachable.

Barna77

Davyhal wrote: »

a lad could be dry humping me and I would still say that he is only being friendly. Always oblivious to when someone is coming on to me...

Same here. I must be blind.

Where's the Read the Signs for Dummies book?

Aurongroove

Hy Paddy, I did reply,
Sorry if the waits are long, I have no net at the minute becasue of a house move, and I can only get to a net cafe once a day or so.

I'm not disponded by the no thanks either, it was a genuine reply.
it's more of a temporal set back then anything.
The site is gaire. It's a nice enough site. I believe floggg writes there

Rick_

Oh don't worry about it, I'm only messin, reply in your own time!

Aurongroove

carful what you wish for, check your PM

Rick_

checked and replied

Irish Aris

well, tbh, I have never done the first move
guess I am in short supply of self confidence in that area. . .

L.Jenkins

It can be difficult when you do make a move on someone and things go steal almost immediately or the guy/girl, while interested in you, goes fierce shy and it's almost impossible to move forward from the initial first date.

Aurongroove

tried the old approach and say hello method last night, in the local late bar.

Found out he was straight before I even got to ask.

MJRS

It really is about eye contact. Look at someone, eventually they'll look at you. Look at them again and smile when they look at you, you'll either see a smile or a 'wtf..' expression, take it from there! I have a bit more confidence approaching people after a bit of online dating. I recommend okcupid to everyone, really helped me out of my shell!

Conor30

MJRS wrote: »

It really is about eye contact. Look at someone, eventually they'll look at you. Look at them again and smile when they look at you, you'll either see a smile or a 'wtf..' expression, take it from there! I have a bit more confidence approaching people after a bit of online dating. I recommend okcupid to everyone, really helped me out of my shell!

Do you really think okcupid is any good?

MJRS

Yeah, met some good guys on there! I don't think any dating site's 'matches' are ever any use, but the profile it asks users to create gives me a better idea of what they're like than I've seen on other sites. Admittedly I haven't used it in Ireland, but the Canadian one is pretty well populated. Have you heard bad things about okcupid?

Barna77

I browsed around okcupid once or twice. I recognised same faces from gaydar... So, same difference?

MJRS

Well, gaydar seems to be more casual sex orientated, which is fine sometimes but not what I look for. Okcupid is more based around relationships and personality, and even just people looking for friendships! I dunno, maybe it's superfluous in Ireland if everyone on it is on gaydar anyway.

Conor30

I just find not much happens on OKCupid, at least the Irish (gay) version!

I was out in the Dragon last night and a cute enough guy was making advances towards me but he had an air of desperation about him, so it was just a bit of a turn-off.
Guys, you need to try to keep it cool a bit!! LOL

Slang_Tang

Conor30 wrote: »

I just find not much happens on OKCupid, at least the Irish (gay) version!

I was out in the Dragon last night and a cute enough guy was making advances towards me but he had an air of desperation about him, so it was just a bit of a turn-off.
Guys, you need to try to keep it cool a bit!! LOL

Describe an air of desperation.

Conor30

Slang_Tang wrote: »

Describe an air of desperation.

LOL. It can take different guises...but in this case he was very obviously 'cruising'. He had a 'lost' air about him, staring all around, then staring at me (without smiling) and half coming over to me with something of a desperate expression on his face or something but yet hesitant. LOL I don't know, it's kind of hard to describe.

I know I could have spoken to him and probably should have (to be friendly) but I wasn't completely in the mood somehow! I wasn't there on the pull really.

baby and crumble

Conor30 wrote: »

LOL. It can take different guises...but in this case he was very obviously 'cruising'. He had a 'lost' air about him, staring all around, then staring at me (without smiling) and half coming over to me with something of a desperate expression on his face or something but yet hesitant. LOL I don't know, it's kind of hard to describe.

I know I could have spoken to him and probably should have (to be friendly) but I wasn't completely in the mood somehow! I wasn't there on the pull really.

Maybe it was his first time in a gay bar- he could have been scared witless...

Aurongroove

I think Conor has described precisely the problem with trying to interact with gay people in such an environment and trying to make gay friends or even just once off "chat buddies".


When you go into one of these places you (stupidly) assumes everybody assumes you assume thay assume the only reason you'd approach someone is for sex.

So when you want to talk, just for someone to talk to, for the possibility of socializing, it's such a scary psychological place, that the most confidant person can be reduced to a wide eyed weirdos with an air of "I'm either going to start telling you about Jesus, or take you home and wear your skin like a costume"

I popped into the George the last night, and despite the fact that it was just a normal late pub which happened to be full of people who happened to be gay, it took me two and a half hours to talk to anyone.
the first conversation I had was I guy I asked directions of, once I had the directions out of the way, we said hello to each other, and about 30 seconds into the conversation we almost joked about the palpable release of tension when we both realized the other just fancied a random chat.

Slang_Tang

Conor30 wrote: »

LOL. It can take different guises...but in this case he was very obviously 'cruising'. He had a 'lost' air about him, staring all around, then staring at me (without smiling) and half coming over to me with something of a desperate expression on his face or something but yet hesitant. LOL I don't know, it's kind of hard to describe.

I know I could have spoken to him and probably should have (to be friendly) but I wasn't completely in the mood somehow! I wasn't there on the pull really.

I know. I just think it's a small bit ironic to knock a guy down for making a first move in a thread that's about making a first move. He could've been nervous or you were misreading the signs.

I remember one guy I was with commented that I was scared witless when I first met him. Nothing could've been further from the truth. He was reading signs in a way that he wanted to read them.

Conor30

Slang_Tang wrote: »

I know. I just think it's a small bit ironic to knock a guy down for making a first move in a thread that's about making a first move. He could've been nervous or you were misreading the signs.

I remember one guy I was with commented that I was scared witless when I first met him. Nothing could've been further from the truth. He was reading signs in a way that he wanted to read them.

I wasn't knocking him down in the slightest. He's free to do or be whatever he wants. I know what I saw and just saying it's best not to appear too desperate as people can smell desperation a mile off. This is old knowledge.
Besides, I just didn't fancy him and wasn't really in the mood for a friendly chat either. So, bite me!

Conor30

Aurongroove wrote: »

I think Conor has described precisely the problem with trying to interact with gay people in such an environment and trying to make gay friends or even just once off "chat buddies".


When you go into one of these places you (stupidly) assumes everybody assumes you assume thay assume the only reason you'd approach someone is for sex.

So when you want to talk, just for someone to talk to, for the possibility of socializing, it's such a scary psychological place, that the most confidant person can be reduced to a wide eyed weirdos with an air of "I'm either going to start telling you about Jesus, or take you home and wear your skin like a costume"

I popped into the George the last night, and despite the fact that it was just a normal late pub which happened to be full of people who happened to be gay, it took me two and a half hours to talk to anyone.
the first conversation I had was I guy I asked directions of, once I had the directions out of the way, we said hello to each other, and about 30 seconds into the conversation we almost joked about the palpable release of tension when we both realized the other just fancied a random chat.

I agree entirely. I was discussing this with a (straight) girl recently and was explaining to her how things are on the gay scene! I was telling her that the gay scene can be more intense and can even sometimes have a pressure cooker atmosphere, whereas on the straight scene, there are some really relaxed pubs, where anyone talks to everyone and no motive behind it is presumed! On the gay scene, there can be a tendency for people to jump to the conclusion that you must fancy them if you're talking to them. I'm even occasionally guilty of this myself but usually I'm friendly & chilled and chat with anyone!

Pacifist Pigeon

Would winking at a guy in a club/bar not suffice? If he's interested, he'll make a move.

Davyhal

Pacifist Pigeon wrote: »

Would winking at a guy in a club/bar not suffice? If he's interested, he'll make a move.

Some of us were not blessed with the ability to wink :(

Conor30

Pacifist Pigeon wrote: »

Would winking at a guy in a club/bar not suffice? If he's interested, he'll make a move.

Yes winking is good!

jaffacakesyum

Pacifist Pigeon wrote: »

Would winking at a guy in a club/bar not suffice? If he's interested, he'll make a move.

lol that's so cheesy :pac: