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Favourite survivalism / prepping jokes?
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13-01-2012 1:44am#1
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Took a while to find, but this was on an American site (so not all apply here):
You might be a survivalist if:- You have emergency rations stored for your pets, and you view your pets as potential emergency rations.
- Bert from 'Tremors' is your favorite movie character.
- Your coffee table is actually a board with a table cloth over it, to disguise your food storage underneath.
- You've ever served MREs at a dinner party.
- You're planning to dig an emergency escape tunnel from your basement, to the nearest stand of trees.
- You've made bugout cargo packs for your dogs, and they also have their own gas masks.
- You know how to use a vacuum cleaner in reverse, to filter air in your designated bio-chem attack safe room.
- Your koi pond is stocked with tasty catfish.
- You view the nearest wildlife conservation area as a potential grocery store, for after SHTF.
- You know all the ways out the building where you work, and you have an escape kit stashed in your locker.
- You have enough ramien noodles stockpiled in your basement to feed your family for three years.
- You've made a range card for your neighborhood.
- Your ideal weekend consists of hauling a newly-completed cache container into the woods, and burying it.
- Your favorite 'self help' book is Nuclear War Survival Skills.
- When you go to McDonalds, you ask for one order of fries, with 25 packs of salt, ketchup, and mustard.
- You've numbered the deer romping in the yard by their order of consumption.
- You're a single male, but you have an emergency childbirth kit, in case you have to deal with that possibility.
- You have 30,000 rounds of ammo stashed away, and you consider this to be inadequate.
- You own more than one grain mill, and you have a kerosene lamp in every room.
- You have two water heaters in your basement, but one is a dummy that's been converted to a hideaway safe.
- When you hear animal calls on nature shows, it sounds to you like they're saying "Eat Me!", "Eat Me!".
- The box springs under your mattress are actually Rubber Maid storage containers, filled with rice and beans.
- Your basement walls are insulated with crates of toilet paper, from floor to ceiling, all the way around.
- Your group has detailed plans to take over a national forest, after the collapse of civilization.
- You have different grades of bug out bags, for different disaster scenarios.
- You bought your stockpile of grains (for human consumption) through your local animal feed store.
- You're still using up your Y2K supplies.
- While other people are saving for vacations, you are saving to get solar panels put on your house.
- You were excited beyond all reason when they came out with cheddar cheese in a can.
- You spend your spare time practicing making survival foods, like hardtack, jerky, pemmican, and fruit leather.
- You have better items in storage than the stuff you use everyday.
- You can't put groceries in the trunk of your car, because it's already full of first aid kits and Bug Out Bags.
- You've ever considered buying an above-ground pool for water storage purposes.
- Your significant other gave you another sleeping bag for Christmas, and it was just what you wanted.
- You must open the door to your pantry very carefully, for fear of a canned goods avalanche.
- You own so much ammo that you had to cache it underground, simply due to lack of storage space.
- You own several hassock-style portable toilets, for use in case flooding disrupts your septic system.
- You own enough army surplus equipment to open your own surplus store.
- You keep your survival info on computer CDs and jump drives, but have hardcopy printouts, 'just in case'.
- You've mapped out the best places to block the roads leading to your area.
- You have a backup hand pump on your water well, and more 55gal blue water drums than family members.
- You carry a pocket survival kit, knife, flashlight, and concealed handgun on you to church every Sunday.
- You keep sneaking into the woods to plant bamboo and other useful and edible plants, in strategic locations.
- You own a hand-operated clothes washer and a non-electric carpet sweeper.
- You have two of every size of Dutch oven (the ones with the legs on the bottom), and 20 bags of charcoal.
- You've sewn secret mini-BOBs into the bottom of your children's school backpacks.
- You have rain barrels at each corner of your house, and a Big Berkey filter to purify the water.
- You start evaluating people according to 'skill sets'.
- You know where the best defensive positions and lines of fire are on your property.
- You have space set aside in the fallout shelter for your chickens, rabbits, and miniature goats.
- You have a 'Volcano' stove, you know how to cook anything, and you cast evil glances at your neighbor's
- annoying, yappy poodle, muttering "your day will come, hotdog" under your breath.
- You own tons of modern survival gear, but you know how to improvise crude replacements, just in case.
- You're so busy making preparations, that you own guns you haven't even had time to shoot yet.
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Reads more like a to-do list to be honest!colonel-yum-yum wrote: »- You have emergency rations stored for your pets, and you view your pets as potential emergency rations.
- Bert from 'Tremors' is your favorite movie character.
- Your coffee table is actually a board with a table cloth over it, to disguise your food storage underneath.
- You've ever served MREs at a dinner party.
- You're planning to dig an emergency escape tunnel from your basement, to the nearest stand of trees.
- You've made bugout cargo packs for your dogs, and they also have their own gas masks.
- You know how to use a vacuum cleaner in reverse, to filter air in your designated bio-chem attack safe room.
- Your koi pond is stocked with tasty catfish.
- You view the nearest wildlife conservation area as a potential grocery store, for after SHTF.
- You know all the ways out the building where you work, and you have an escape kit stashed in your locker.
- You have enough ramien noodles stockpiled in your basement to feed your family for three years.
- You've made a range card for your neighborhood.
- Your ideal weekend consists of hauling a newly-completed cache container into the woods, and burying it.
- Your favorite 'self help' book is Nuclear War Survival Skills.
- When you go to McDonalds, you ask for one order of fries, with 25 packs of salt, ketchup, and mustard.
- You've numbered the deer romping in the yard by their order of consumption.
- You're a single male, but you have an emergency childbirth kit, in case you have to deal with that possibility.
- You have 30,000 rounds of ammo stashed away, and you consider this to be inadequate.
- You own more than one grain mill, and you have a kerosene lamp in every room.
- You have two water heaters in your basement, but one is a dummy that's been converted to a hideaway safe.
- When you hear animal calls on nature shows, it sounds to you like they're saying "Eat Me!", "Eat Me!".
- The box springs under your mattress are actually Rubber Maid storage containers, filled with rice and beans.
- Your basement walls are insulated with crates of toilet paper, from floor to ceiling, all the way around.
- Your group has detailed plans to take over a national forest, after the collapse of civilization.
- You have different grades of bug out bags, for different disaster scenarios.
- You bought your stockpile of grains (for human consumption) through your local animal feed store.
- You're still using up your Y2K supplies.
- While other people are saving for vacations, you are saving to get solar panels put on your house.
- You were excited beyond all reason when they came out with cheddar cheese in a can.
- You spend your spare time practicing making survival foods, like hardtack, jerky, pemmican, and fruit leather.
- You have better items in storage than the stuff you use everyday.
- You can't put groceries in the trunk of your car, because it's already full of first aid kits and Bug Out Bags.
- You've ever considered buying an above-ground pool for water storage purposes.
- Your significant other gave you another sleeping bag for Christmas, and it was just what you wanted.
- You must open the door to your pantry very carefully, for fear of a canned goods avalanche.
- You own so much ammo that you had to cache it underground, simply due to lack of storage space.
- You own several hassock-style portable toilets, for use in case flooding disrupts your septic system.
- You own enough army surplus equipment to open your own surplus store.
- You keep your survival info on computer CDs and jump drives, but have hardcopy printouts, 'just in case'.
- You've mapped out the best places to block the roads leading to your area.
- You have a backup hand pump on your water well, and more 55gal blue water drums than family members.
- You carry a pocket survival kit, knife, flashlight, and concealed handgun on you to church every Sunday.
- You keep sneaking into the woods to plant bamboo and other useful and edible plants, in strategic locations.
- You own a hand-operated clothes washer and a non-electric carpet sweeper.
- You have two of every size of Dutch oven (the ones with the legs on the bottom), and 20 bags of charcoal.
- You've sewn secret mini-BOBs into the bottom of your children's school backpacks.
- You have rain barrels at each corner of your house, and a Big Berkey filter to purify the water.
- You start evaluating people according to 'skill sets'.
- You know where the best defensive positions and lines of fire are on your property.
- You have space set aside in the fallout shelter for your chickens, rabbits, and miniature goats.
- You have a 'Volcano' stove, you know how to cook anything, and you cast evil glances at your neighbor's
- annoying, yappy poodle, muttering "your day will come, hotdog" under your breath.
- You own tons of modern survival gear, but you know how to improvise crude replacements, just in case.
- You're so busy making preparations, that you own guns you haven't even had time to shoot yet.
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colonel-yum-yum wrote: »Took a while to find, but this was on an American site (so not all apply here):
You might be a survivalist if:- Bert from 'Tremors' is your favorite movie character.
And why not
I have the boxed set. btw IMDB says calls the character Burt not Bert 
Perhaps I know to much
If your favourite survivalist babe is Heather then you just watch just far too many films 0 -
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Sarah Connor is supposed to have died of cancer/leukimia by the T3 film.She went from this
To this
Which ties in at the Terminator : Sarah Connor chronicles of her being aware of having leukimia.Which is what I meant by that kind of skinny aint nice!"If you want to keep someone away from your house, Just fire the shotgun through the door."
Vice President [and former lawyer] Joe Biden Field& Stream Magazine interview Feb 2013 "
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We're talking about T2, I thought. You may mock women who can beat up a gang of ninjas if you like Grizz, but what will you do when you get attacked by said cohort of multitalented martial masters?
The smile will be on the other side of your face then I can tell you.
Are you being serious here?????
Cos if you are thats a great joke !!!!"If you want to keep someone away from your house, Just fire the shotgun through the door."
Vice President [and former lawyer] Joe Biden Field& Stream Magazine interview Feb 2013 "
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Yes I get attacked by gangs of ninjas on a quarterly basis, usually around when my ninja gang membership fees are due.Grizzly 45 wrote: »Are you being serious here?????
Cos if you are thats a great joke !!!!0 -
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baords dyslexic wrote: »Perhaps a joke more about life in general:
I use this picture for customer presentations, always goes down well and gets some giggles. Until this morning in Berlin
Two customer representatives almost came to blows after a realization their plans were like the cartoon. 0 -
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