Boyfriend in long term relationships cheat is he not in love or just not happy ??

Tweet0004

Why do guys cheat on long term girlfriends, if they have no children, and are not married, and are free to walk away, as they are not married.
Not all guys cheat, i am aware of this, but just seems so common now adays, and think that they are afraid of been on their own.

I completely understand that women cheat too :(, but asking why men do ??

Ickle Magoo

Hey there Tweet0004,

PI/RI are an advice forums rather than discussion forums - could you narrow the field to a specific event you require advice on/about?

Alternatively, if you wish a discussion perhaps another forum such as Humanities, The Ladies Lounge or The Gentleman's Club would be more appropriate? (depending on the specifics of each forum's charter)

nowyouresix

The thrill, the chase, the knowledge that they still have "it",an ego boost, lack of self control.... I could go on and on. There's no one reason for every circumstance. Personally I think that men are programmed that way , and even though it's only some who do it, most probably have struggled at some stage not to. One should never nip out for a burger when one has fillet steak at home...but fillet steak needs proper preparation, a nice sauce to go with it, time and effort....a burger is quick and tasty, and hits the spot temporarily.
Bottom line is that there are loads of guys out there who would do it in a shot if they were confident they wouldn't get caught, some because they have problems in their relationship, and some who are pure chancers.

C-J

Not all men cheat. Talk bout a sweeping generalisation

Tweet0004

Sorry Ickle, but it is more advice, I was cheated on, and just deciding what to do. Friends have said, it means nothing, and give him another chance, and others have said dump him. So looking for advice.

baby and crumble

People cheat for lots of reasons, OP, and as much as nobody wants to hear it, it is rarely one persons 'fault'. Yes, there are guys (and girls) who like the thrill, and no matter what the state of their relationship will seek pleasure elsewhere. But in my experience, there's often something lacking or not right in the relationship, or at least something that the person who strays isn't happy about.

That's not to lay the blame on the other person- at all. The decision to cheat is the decision of the person who does so, and it's their responsibility. But there are nearly always mitigating factors.

Talk to your boyfriend, ask him why he cheated. If the reasons he gives are something you both can work on to avoid or lessen, and if you think you can forgive him, then do it. But you have to actually forgive, not just say you do.

Tweet0004

Thanks Baby and crumble, read more blogs on cheating than ever before. Understand that it takes too, and agree with you that it is the two of us. Beginning to see that it really takes too, although some will disagree. But worried that he feels he is settling, and will wake up one morning and hear this again. Which is why i asked if from a guys point of view he is settling.;)

I am a friend

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Thanks Baby and crumble, read more blogs on cheating than ever before. Understand that it takes too, and agree with you that it is the two of us. Beginning to see that it really takes too, although some will disagree. But worried that he feels he is settling, and will wake up one morning and hear this again. Which is why i asked if from a guys point of view he is settling.;)

I wouldnt take any responsibility for his cheating and neither should you... He chose his actions no matter what state your relationship is in.. If he wasnt happy he needed to talk to you about it and not go chase skirt...

As well as this, if you let him away with it now, the gates are open for him to do it again.. Do you want to live looking over your shoulder, checking where he is etc??? Its only half a life.

Did he tell you? has he explained why it happened? Has he begged for forgiveness. All lot rests (if you are insistent on staying with him) on how he handled it and if he is sorry but to be honest even if he was sorry enough to build me a replica Taj Mahal, he would be out the door.

BarackPyjama

nowyouresix wrote: »

Personally I think that men are programmed that way

They're not. Some of us were properly raised. Everyone, man and woman, has the potential to cheat under the right (wrong?) circumstances. It's not gender specific and women in the Western world, from my experience, cheat just as often as men.

OP - Some men cheat because they're scumbags. Some men cheat because they're not happy in their relationships (lack of intimacy, sex, respect, etc, etc). Some men cheat because, despite perhaps being decent in every other way, their moral compass simply fails them when it comes to women/sex.

There are loads of different reasons. Without telling us about your relationship in more detail, we're not going to be able to help you.

greenprincess

i honestly dont understand why they stay. It probably is a fear of being alone. And I'm not just saying its men women do the same. I dont see why if you are unmarried, no childern etc why you wouldnt just leave the relationship

Neyite

I would think that forgiveness is very much up to the individual, and the circumstances involved - for instance, was it a once off or was it a series of events, such as an affair? In that case, a once-off may be forgivable, yet an affair, which allows plenty of time for reflection, and ongoing lies may not.

As IAAF says, his reaction to being caught is also a big indicator of where you need to go - did he confess, did you catch him out? was he remorseful of cheating, or remorseful of getting caught.

For me personally, trust is a massive issue. I dont believe I could maintain a relationship with someone no matter how much I loved him if I could not trust him, so I would cut my losses. Other women might not. Its a very individual decision, however you have the right to take as much time as you like to decide what to do with him/ the relationship.

LegacyUser

I'm a man who used to think 'men cheat - it's just what we do'. I cheated on every relationship I was in including several times during my 5 years with my ex who I assumed I would marry, settle with. [She finally dumped me after taking me back multiple times, and she did us both a favour]

Then I met the love of my life and never, ever would consider so much as looking at another woman since starting a relationship with her.

I realised I just wasn't that into my exes. I liked them in a "She'll do for now.." sense, but never cared about them enough to worry about what my cheating would do to them, where now the thought of causing any hurt or pain to my fiancee would devastate me. I care about her too much to ever have eyes for anyone else.

I saw the same with many male friends, who cheated their way through every relationship and then one day met the love of their life and never looked back, the cheating seized. I have two friends who settled with women that they were never that bothered about and they continue to cheat whenever the opportunity arises.

Tweet0004

I found out he cheated by his phone. read the texts and he even had a file, with all the texts this girl sent him. We broke up for a few months, and he met her. Then we got back together and he continued to see her four times. Have not confronted him, as it was Christmas. But wanted to understand first and then confront him. Agree with last post, guys/girls cheat if they are not really into someone, as he has not cheated in the past on any of his other ex's.

seachto7

I am always more surprised by people who stay in relationships when the other cheats. They "take them back". If someone has cheated and is caught, then there is automatically a part of that trust taken away. It can never be regained. That stain will always be there. I think if someone cheats, it's best to end the relationship. The trusy and loyalty has broken down. The "lets give it another try" line is just papering over the cracks.....
The line to use is "if you wouldn't like it done to yourself, then don't do it yourself".
If I were with someone, and they cheated, that's it. Over. Cheerio. Good luck. Tough luck.

LegacyUser

Tweet0004 wrote: »

I found out he cheated by his phone. read the texts and he even had a file, with all the texts this girl sent him. We broke up for a few months, and he met her. Then we got back together and he continued to see her four times. Have not confronted him, as it was Christmas. But wanted to understand first and then confront him. Agree with last post, guys/girls cheat if they are not really into someone, as he has not cheated in the past on any of his other ex's.

He's continued to do it because you took him back, and he knows you're a pushover and that he can walk all over you. He has no respect for you because you have shown him that you have no respect for yourself [by taking him back, by enabling him to cheat] so there is no point respecting you. You are there to provide him with easy always available sex, or perhaps some companionship, but I highly doubt he pictures you as the woman he'll spend his life with. He's just sticking it out until you finally get sick of it and dump him, and he'll barely even notice because he has some other more fun/exciting girl to keep him company. He respects you so little that he can't even be bothered to break up with you - he'll just continue living like a single man but with the benefits of a 'relationship' available to him when he wishes without any effort on his part. A lot of men would be delighted with this option.

I would question why you are living in denial, why you would sit quiet while he cheats, afraid to disrupt Christmas? Who cares what time of year it is? That's just an excuse.

Are you afraid of being alone? Afraid to live your life without a man by your side? Not interesting enough to exist as an individual? Do you not care about yourself enough to demand respect from others? Are you walked all over in most areas of your life or is it just with men this happens?

Before entering another relationship, work on the above areas to make sure you are ready to be involved with the opposite sex.

I am a friend

agdfgdfg wrote: »

He's continued to do it because you took him back, and he knows you're a pushover and that he can walk all over you. He has no respect for you because you have shown him that you have no respect for yourself [by taking him back, by enabling him to cheat] so there is no point respecting you. You are there to provide him with easy always available sex, or perhaps some companionship, but I highly doubt he pictures you as the woman he'll spend his life with. He's just sticking it out until you finally get sick of it and dump him, and he'll barely even notice because he has some other more fun/exciting girl to keep him company. He respects you so little that he can't even be bothered to break up with you - he'll just continue living like a single man but with the benefits of a 'relationship' available to him when he wishes without any effort on his part. A lot of men would be delighted with this option.

I would question why you are living in denial, why you would sit quiet while he cheats, afraid to disrupt Christmas? Who cares what time of year it is? That's just an excuse.

Are you afraid of being alone? Afraid to live your life without a man by your side? Not interesting enough to exist as an individual? Do you not care about yourself enough to demand respect from others? Are you walked all over in most areas of your life or is it just with men this happens?

Before entering another relationship, work on the above areas to make sure you are ready to be involved with the opposite sex.

Its harsh but true and the relationship has changed now forever, no matter what happens... cant believe your friends are telling you to ignore it...

Tweet0004

agdfgdfg and Just a Friend

I have ended it, and moved out. Wanted an explanation, as to why people cheat, as never had it happen to me before. Waited until after christmas because i needed to move somewhere else, as we were living together, so moved in with friends

I am a friend

Tweet0004 wrote: »

agdfgdfg and Just a Friend

I have ended it, and moved out. Wanted an explanation, as to why people cheat, as never had it happen to me before. Waited until after christmas because i needed to move somewhere else, as we were living together, so moved in with friends

Am sorry to hear that but you have done the right thing. Best of luck

Emme

seachto7 wrote: »

I am always more surprised by people who stay in relationships when the other cheats. They "take them back". If someone has cheated and is caught, then there is automatically a part of that trust taken away. It can never be regained. That stain will always be there. I think if someone cheats, it's best to end the relationship. The trusy and loyalty has broken down. The "lets give it another try" line is just papering over the cracks.....
The line to use is "if you wouldn't like it done to yourself, then don't do it yourself".
If I were with someone, and they cheated, that's it. Over. Cheerio. Good luck. Tough luck.

Men cheat because they can. There have never been more available women out there for them and it's human nature for them to take advantage. I am convinced that the men who don't cheat are in a minority.

I have been single for some time now and whenever I do "date" I know I'm not the only one the guy is seeing. There is no such thing as exclusivity in dating now. I believe that we have to change our thinking around relationships and adapt to the current demographic of several women to one man. That means that women should be open to the option of sharing her man with other women.

There is more to a relationship than fidelity. I know of successful relationships which are open and both partners are free to explore themselves with other people. Usually it's the man who does the exploring purely because there's more women out there to explore, so to speak.

There are hundreds, if not thousands of marriages and relationships in Ireland where women (or men) take back a partner who has strayed and accept the infidelity because the relationship benefits them in other ways. In other words, they would prefer to be in a relationship where their partner strays rather than be single.

In some countries fidlelity isn't as important as it is in anglo-saxon cultures like Ireland, the UK and America. I would argue that relationships in anglo-saxon cultures are no healthier than those in Latin cultures where it is more accepted when partners stray.

If I met somebody tomorrow and he told me that he wanted to be in a relationship with me but it wouldn't necessarily be exclusive I would accept that if other things in the relationship worked.

Cheating where one or both partners stray behind the others back is dishonest and I don't approve of that, but lots of couples don't see fidelity as the number one thing in their relationship. As long as all concerned are honest and practise safe sex what's the big deal?

Perhaps when the population balances out in years to come and there is an equal number of men for an equal number of women, men might not be so tempted to stray. However, at the moment there is a surplus of women to men so it is likely that women, particularly those who are single, may not get to be in an exclusive relationship.

This post may cause contention, but I would like to emphasise that I am against dishonest cheating, however a relationship where one or both partners are free to be with other people but have an underlying agreement might work. In my opinion there is more to a relationship than fidelity.

Ickle Magoo

Emme, it's not so much contentious as full of insulting gender based generalisations - known as flaming...please don't.


As this has moved from advice to a general discussion based purely on personal experience & OP has resolved the issue with this relationship, I'm locking the thread