Trust issues

outroar

Hi
I am just wondering how other women who have trust issues with men over came these and how they learned to just relax and not think that everything their O/H does, doesnt mean they might be cheating on you! I have a big issue with this and its starting to ruin our relationship and I just dont know how to get over it..

Thank you

P.S I know there is prop a thread just like this, but i cant find it.

ThinkAboutIt

Realistically no matter how much you trust / mis-trust a person, you cannot control what they will do when you are not there. You just have to have a bit of faith in your partner-choosing ability imho.

Also imho people tend to throw everyone into one "man A cheats so all men are pigs" "girl B sleeps around so all women are hoors" again, just gotta partner-choose correctly!

Jemmy

ThinkAboutIt wrote: »

Realistically no matter how much you trust / mis-trust a person, you cannot control what they will do when you are not there. You just have to have a bit of faith in your partner-choosing ability imho.

Basically the same as above! If your other half is going to stray then there is little you can do about it they will no matter how much you worry. Just try to have a little faith and just enjoy being with them.

barleybooley

I was constantly suspicious of my ex. We've been broken up just over a week and even though I don't think it was his reason for wanting to break up (it was mutual and we said we wanted to break up for the same reasons) it can't have helped that I was always so suspicious. In hindsight though, I think I was right to be: girls used constantly be coming on to him despite knowing he was in a serious long term relationship and it drove me insane even though my gut told me he wasn't up to shenanigans. I used worry that one night he'd get hammered and end up with someone.
I couldn't really help myself and I don't think you can actually change that.

OldNotWIse

Is a strong feeling enough to go on?

tinkerbell

If you cannot trust your partner, then you should not be with them in the first place. The right partner for a person will be the one they trust completely. If there's no trust, the relationship is pointless.

saa

tinkerbell wrote: »

If you cannot trust your partner, then you should not be with them in the first place. The right partner for a person will be the one they trust completely. If there's no trust, the relationship is pointless.

Nooo don't get rid of the O/H for Mr. Right who for some reason you will never have trust issues with because they're greaat even though you already have trust issues.

The problem is with you not the O/H unless they have done something to loose that trust, then it must be rebuilt.

As long as he's not a scumbag or wasting your time just trust if you have reasons to believe that they will not be faithful then its time to get rid, if you have reason to believe they will cheat opposed to well they're a man and other women are pretty rad looking so it might happen.


I have been there, I used to think my fiancee would go off on my but that was a mix of my self confidence being low and worrying about everything,
and it drags the relationship down I talked out my issues with someone and did things for myself so I wasnt spending my time thinking if he went I'd have nothing or I would be hurt because I had better things to be doing and wasn't placing the value on the premise that if I keep an eye out I'll see the signs before anything majour happened, it shouldnt of even been on my mind.

And also it did happen, well I'm not sure he went back to a work collegues place and came back in a taxi, he got a text and was too drunk to read it
and the convo was basically I'm so sorry (I took that as we were meant to have sex but I chickened out) and I did think it could of happened the dreaded cheating and emotional yeah but I was being distant because of all my worrying, needy, wasn't doing anything for myself so no wonder he saw something new and exciting.

Now I don't worry about him cheating, if I catch him second time doing something dodgy thats it. But its funny how before I worried all the time and now I stopped we're closer and happier than ever... you can only put your energy into so much and worrying is not a productive one

long i know but its a complex one

Azureus

I used to be kinda like that-if the boyfriend went out without me Id get really upset and irrational panic attacks almost. It was ridiculous! He didnt know it, Id never let on for fear of seeming crazy, but I did ask him to throw me a text at the end of a night out and stuff just to show he was thinking of me. It was really reassuring and now I encourage him to go out without me all the time-like us girls like our time with friends/without the OH, guys deserve the same and deserve time away from their partners without suspicion and questions. You cant blame someone for feeling suffocated if they're constantly questioned about their actions, it will inevitably cause problems.
Trust should happen naturally and it may take awhile to build up-but try and give him his space and just ask him to reassure you a little when youre not feeling 100% secure. Worked for me anyway

merlie

Hello Op,

I have the same issue. I do find it hard to trust men. I do blame it on the past two relationships I have had, both were as bad as the other. My first because he did something awful, that spoilt our relationship ( not going into any detail here ) I found it turned me right off him and it was never the same after that, my trust went out the window. My last because, of the various things he once said to me and he did a complete u-turn and he left.

I have not been in a relationship for a few years now, not because I don't want too, but its because I find it disheartening to put all my effort into a relationship only to have my trust and my heart flung out the window. It is painful, but I can never depend on a man again, just only on myself.

It will take time for me to put my trust in a man again

I've never really felt this at all to be honest
you could talk to someone about it and try explore it and deal with it and be happier then

outroar

Hey thank you all for your comments. Yea I know its all me and MY issue rather than him giving me reasons, i can make ANYTHING he does into something seedius or suspicious.

Its prop the fact my dad wasnt the best of figures and alot of my view of men prop result from him, one or two past relationships they lied a bit and just hearing stories etc.

I have gone to counselling , which resulted into nothing really succesful!

Im making it my new years resolution to try harder to get over my issue and just be able to trust him completly, cause i love him and i know he loves me to. Its just going to be very hard....

Snoopy1

OP i am so like you
I get so paranoid about what OH's are up to. Doesnt help that i work night shift and spend the whole night worrying that he might find someone else attractive.
I am constantly looking for re-assurance, which i know annoys him.
Ive been in counsilling a couple of months now, id like to say its working, but i dont know if it is.
My news resolution also, is to try and not think these thoughts also

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee

Just in case; do you have any valid reasons why you might be feeling this?

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee

Snoopy1 wrote: »

OP i am so like you
I get so paranoid about what OH's are up to. Doesnt help that i work night shift and spend the whole night worrying that he might find someone else attractive.
I am constantly looking for re-assurance, which i know annoys him.
Ive been in counsilling a couple of months now, id like to say its working, but i dont know if it is.
My news resolution also, is to try and not think these thoughts also

Continue counselling. If you don't feel reassured, change your counsellor. Best of luck.

outroar

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee wrote: »

Just in case; do you have any valid reasons why you might be feeling this?

As i said it could be my dad etc. He has never given me reason to be suspicious (ok he is very secretive with his laptop + his last relationship was over the net) But its just me, i make up situations in my head.

See the thing is I know nearly exactly why im like this... its could possible be fact that I trying to find a fault in the relationship cause im afraid to put my whole heart and life into something then suddenly its gone, as like someone posted already.
I went to counselling for a good while, maybe i should try a different counsellor!

Snoopy1

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee wrote: »

Snoopy1 wrote: »

OP i am so like you
I get so paranoid about what OH's are up to. Doesnt help that i work night shift and spend the whole night worrying that he might find someone else attractive.
I am constantly looking for re-assurance, which i know annoys him.
Ive been in counsilling a couple of months now, id like to say its working, but i dont know if it is.
My news resolution also, is to try and not think these thoughts also

Continue counselling. If you don't feel reassured, change your counsellor. Best of luck.

I know counsilling has done me some good, Its just a slow process and I'm impatient

I don't know what to tell you OP, I was dreadful with trust issues whe I was younger and I don't know what changed in me but I do know one thing, when stopped being jealous and untrustworthy (and it didn't happen over night) my relationship became so much better. So much happier on both sides. I think you need to maybe say to yourself that if he does cheat, he's not the person you want to be with anyway, so his loss if he does. Much much easier said than done but that's the basics of it. You need to feel your own worth, how you do that I don't know, I just learned to love myself a bit more and realise that life is too damn short to be unhappy.

As I said, I don't know what to tell you, but I do know how you feel and it it's just an awful way to be. Best of luck

BarackPyjama

Not trusting someone in a relationship is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't give the relationship the correct amount of trust, and therefore intimacy and vulnerability that's required so you make your partner feel unloved. Ultimately driving them into the arms of another. In reality then, you have nobody but yourself to blame.

If you're in a relationship and don't trust someone that hasn't given you a reason not to trust them, and it's making the relationship difficult, then you need counseling.

OldNotWIse

tinkerbell wrote: »

If you cannot trust your partner, then you should not be with them in the first place. The right partner for a person will be the one they trust completely. If there's no trust, the relationship is pointless.

Some people have inherent trust issues because of something that may have happened in the past etc so it's not necessarily a reflection of their partners behaviour.

gcgirl

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Not trusting someone in a relationship is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't give the relationship the correct amount of trust, and therefore intimacy and vulnerability that's required so you make your partner feel unloved. Ultimately driving them into the arms of another. In reality then, you have nobody but yourself to blame.

If you're in a relationship and don't trust someone that hasn't given you a reason not to trust them, and it's making the relationship difficult, then you need counseling.

I can completely agree with the above, I go with my own mantra of if there's no trust in a relationship get out of it, if your not respected as an equal or if you have to please another person constantly it's not a healthy relationship

SAHMOM

I spent 4 years with a man whom I loved to bits but finally had to leave because he was always checking my texts, phone calls, emails, facebook etc. I rarely went out anywhere with my friends because if I did he'd be calling me every 10 mins accussing me of being with another man. He'd follow me if I was going to the shops or out for a walk.....It all just got to much.
If you love your partner then trust that they love you too and wouldn't dream of being with someone else or else you will drive them away.

OldNotWIse

SAHMOM wrote: »

I spent 4 years with a man whom I loved to bits but finally had to leave because he was always checking my texts, phone calls, emails, facebook etc. I rarely went out anywhere with my friends because if I did he'd be calling me every 10 mins accussing me of being with another man. He'd follow me if I was going to the shops or out for a walk.....It all just got to much.
If you love your partner then trust that they love you too and wouldn't dream of being with someone else or else you will drive them away.

Your post has really made me think about how I behave in my relationship with my partner. I just realised how serious it can be! I never imagined that my jealous behaviour could push someone away. I know I have trust issues that have nothing to do with my partner but I find it so hard to believe her when she says she loves me and she doesn't want anyone else etc. She has never really given me a reason for not trusting her yet I am guilty of looking at her texts and being suspicious when she goes away or goes out with friends. I dont want to ruin the relationship and should probably get some help, as it seems this kind of behaviour will just push someone away eventually.

SAHMOM

Good Because if you love her and she loves you then you should just learn to trust her....Bite your tongue and resist looking at her phone. How would you feel if it was the other way around.????

I'm sure it hurts her so much when you accuse her or don't trust her.
I spent 4 years with my ex and it only lasted that long because of how I felt but in the end I just couldn't put up with it anymore....he was only happy if I was with him 24/7 which is no way for any couple to be.

I'm now married to an amazing man who is the totally opposite Has no problem with me visiting my friend abroad for weekends or going out with my girlfriends. He knows how I feel and knows that I would never throw away what I have with him over a fling!!

OldNotWIse

SAHMOM wrote: »

Good Because if you love her and she loves you then you should just learn to trust her....Bite your tongue and resist looking at her phone. How would you feel if it was the other way around.????

I'm sure it hurts her so much when you accuse her or don't trust her.
I spent 4 years with my ex and it only lasted that long because of how I felt but in the end I just couldn't put up with it anymore....he was only happy if I was with him 24/7 which is no way for any couple to be.

I'm now married to an amazing man who is the totally opposite Has no problem with me visiting my friend abroad for weekends or going out with my girlfriends. He knows how I feel and knows that I would never throw away what I have with him over a fling!!

Sounds ideal I am not as bad as I used to be but occasionally I slip back and hate myself for that! She has done the same to me before but it didnt really bother me. I spent 6 years with my ex who was so controlling and possessive and I suppose it seemed normal after a while. I used to confuse love and possession.

My partner had a reputation for being a bit of a player (and has admitted that she used to bring home different women every night, never wanted phone numbers etc) and even had sex with an ex just for the "fun" when the ex was trying to make things work between them again. She said she has changed now that she has met the right person and of course people can and do change but it just seems so unrealistic for me that anyone can change that much...

dancesatnight

My partner had a reputation for being a bit of a player (and has admitted that she used to bring home different women every night, never wanted phone numbers etc) and even had sex with an ex just for the "fun" when the ex was trying to make things work between them again. She said she has changed now that she has met the right person and of course people can and do change but it just seems so unrealistic for me that anyone can change that much...[/QUOTE]

i used to be like that but honest the s$%t hit the fan i realised with the help of counselling that the reason i was cheating on all of my girlfriends was because i wanted more and never really saw what was in front of me and what i had. its pretty crappy i hurt them. and made them feel i never loved them coz truth be told i did love them. one with every ounce of my being and it was her who really showed me the error of my ways and i changed the leing the cheating and hiding things. i do belive people can change but only for them selves and for reasons strong enough to rock them to the core of there being. it will take time to see if it is a reall change and something that will stick or just a short term bandage over the real problem.

OldNotWIse

dancesatnight wrote: »

My partner had a reputation for being a bit of a player (and has admitted that she used to bring home different women every night, never wanted phone numbers etc) and even had sex with an ex just for the "fun" when the ex was trying to make things work between them again. She said she has changed now that she has met the right person and of course people can and do change but it just seems so unrealistic for me that anyone can change that much...

i used to be like that but honest the s$%t hit the fan i realised with the help of counselling that the reason i was cheating on all of my girlfriends was because i wanted more and never really saw what was in front of me and what i had. its pretty crappy i hurt them. and made them feel i never loved them coz truth be told i did love them. one with every ounce of my being and it was her who really showed me the error of my ways and i changed the leing the cheating and hiding things. i do belive people can change but only for them selves and for reasons strong enough to rock them to the core of there being. it will take time to see if it is a reall change and something that will stick or just a short term bandage over the real problem.[/QUOTE]


Good to know people can change, though I am far from perfect also! I really hope this is it, I cannot imagine my life without her (well ok fine I can lol but its not a nice one)