Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest
He's just not that into me! Anymore!
-
18-12-2011 9:10pm#1I've been going out with a guy 2 months now..
It's been all hunky dorey since we met, on phone everyday and meeting up twice a week. (he lives an hour from me)
but this past week i've barely heard a peep, i have phoned and it was grand but he couldnt speak long and havent heard anything bar a text in few days now.
Do i get the message and just forget it or is he just very busy with family and has forgotten me? and yes i have a paranoid head expecting the worst. boo hiss.
and i'm off today so i've actually had too much time on my hands to think about this.0
Comments
-
-
-
I'd leave him be, he seems to have gone off the honeymoon phase and is probably thinking that you're at his beck and call at any time and all he has to do is chuck you a little bone and you'll be wagging your tail for his attention. Why should you make all the effort? I'd cool off and say nothing more for a few days, and see if he's suddenly interested at the absence, or if he doesn't notice. He could be busy with work before Christmas etc, but tbh I'd love&leave him OP. He's not respecting you and you're not in the schoolyard anymore. Have a snog under the mistletoe with someone worthwhile
0 -
He was talking about new years the last day i saw him and i thought i'd be working and he was disappointed but i've found out since i've got it off and he knows this.gypsy_rose wrote: »has he made any plans for seeing you in the future in the past week or two?
Its prob not unusual for him to not text/call but just cos since we met its been all texts/calls every day..
p,s, i havent been texting/callin frantically or anything.
i replied to last text, phoned today to no answer.
i'll see what happens in next few days i guess, i aint chasing him.
wouldnt mind but at start of this i was thinking oh whatever, see what happens and now when i realise i'm falling for him big time, bang he's possibly gone.
0 -
-
Advertisement
-
Reading this, up until this point, I was like "exactly"...I'd leave him be, he seems to have gone off the honeymoon phase and is probably thinking that you're at his beck and call at any time and all he has to do is chuck you a little bone and you'll be wagging your tail for his attention. Why should you make all the effort? I'd cool off and say nothing more for a few days, and see if he's suddenly interested at the absence, or if he doesn't notice. He could be busy with work before Christmas etc,
I'd suggest the OP ignore everything after.
I'm all for openness and non-monogamy, but actively betraying someone when they might just be a bit busy? Not cool.but tbh I'd love&leave him OP. He's not respecting you and you're not in the schoolyard anymore. Have a snog under the mistletoe with someone worthwhile
OP you do not want to become the needy partner. If there was a better way to drive someone away then I've not heard it. Take a step back for now. The relationship is still new... in the future you'll better be able to judge and can approach and communicate your misgivings. For now though you're still wading in unknown waters, a drop in communication frequency is normal, but if he starts stringing you along tell him to get the boat.
In the meantime I wouldn't advocate going off snogging other lads, but a bit of flirtation for your own confidence is no harm.0 -
Just had a thought, I could be totally wrong but figured I’d put it out there…
Could be he wants to cool off a bit around Christmas to avoid getting you a present and will pick things up again around new years.
Whatever is going on though I wouldn’t do much chasing, let him come to you. If a couple of weeks pass and you hear nothing then I’d assume it’s over 0 -
-
Just clarifying here: I said love&leave first, meaning end it and then seek out someone deserving of you or let your hair down on a night out. I don't advocate cheating, not at all! I'd just meant life's too short for such headaches; if he's not making the effort, no reason that you should have to settle for that. If there's a chance the relationship will work out then by all means go for it, but at the time of year when people are meant to be at their closest and he can't find the time to send a text....doesn't sound promising to me.
ok, so still nothing, thats nothing today or yesterday and short call friday, prob sounds so silly, i know he has big family and different stuff but he usually checks in, not that he has to.. anyway i'm not gonna do chasing.
thing is if he is trying to finish it, it Will be weird because only last monday (last time saw him) we as a couple got together with my best friend and her hubby who is a good friend of his, (theyre men, dont see each other often) and that went well and next day before he left it was all good. (what im saying here is we've connections here even though i dont live near him, my best friend does)
avoiding me to avoid the xmas present thing i dunno but i really don't think thats him.
... I need to chill out yes! again off most of today so had too much time on me hands 0 -
-
Advertisement
-
-
-
sunflower27 wrote: »Re the xmas presnt thing, I can't really believe anyone would actually do that, so I don't think that's it.
Just mentioned it cause unfortunately I DO know of people who have done things like that Obviously if that’s what he’s playing at though he’s not worth the time of day anyway.MsAllybear wrote: »if i hear nothing by end of today , then i'll take it, we're done!!
I would’ve thought maybe give him until the end of the week? It’s not that unusual for a couple in the early stages of a relationship to go a few days or even a week without much/any contact at a time when they’re really busy. If it gets to a week, I’d try ring/text him one more time and if there’s nothing back THEN I’d consider it done and try to tell him that. That’s just me though 0 -
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Advertisement
-
-
Just a couple of musings here--I rarely hear from the OH but this is after years together and live in different counties. He also has a medical condition that makes it hard to keep in contact, but this is what I'm used to now. It did hurt when it first kicked in, but we'd had a long established relationship by that point and it was nowhere near as short as the time frame with you OP. Also, no mutual friends anymore; the crowd we met through showed ugly colours after we got together, so I'm glad I don't have the luxury of checking on how he feels about me etc. That's paranoia I'm grateful I no longer have!
But with him going so cold, I'm thinking that he did meet someone, whether anything happened or not, and he realised that you aren't for him, or he feels guilt and is avoiding you to resist hurt and drama at an already stressful time of year.
I was annoyed my sister didn't ring me yesterday when I was trying to arrange her pressie for Christmas (she doesn't live in Ireland and will be only over a few days) and then this morning on gmail chat she was wailing about losing her phone. Is this possible with him? Did ye have any other way of keeping in touch--landline/email/facebook etc? If the answer is yes then I'd cut your losses and have a happy Christmas where you're laughing and surrounded by good people, not wondering every question your mind can drag up.
I don't believe the Christmas presents idea that was previously posted, but maybe to an extent it is true. He might have been asking about NYE because he didn't want to be on his tod for it, and wanted to make sure he had someone for a midnight kiss, or that if he doesn't want you, nobody else can have you either. I can't honestly think of a valid reason why he'd go so cold all of a sudden; if he was in hospital etc the friend's hubby'd surely know and tell you, if he ran out of credit sure there's webtext, call catchers etc. Chalk this one up to experience, and if you got him a present return it and spoil yourself with something nice
*hugs* You're worth so much more than this behaviour OP, don't forget that!0 -
He has huge family that he gets on great with so certainly wouldnt be on his own for it.
Don't think he is in hospital or anything like that cos was chatting to his sis in law (she added me pretty quick!) last night on fb (she started talkin to me) and she'd have mentioned it.
He has me on fb so he has other ways to contact me if it was a case of lost phone.
it sounds likely now that he has just found out someone else or is bored of me now. few other things i've thought of but no point now.
If it was something i'd done, i'd prefer to know. 0 -
OP and judgefudge, i know exactly how you both feel, this has just happened to me too!
3 months with a guy who was so keen for the first 2.5 months. A few weeks before it ended i had a gut feeling (and a little bit of evidence) that he just wasn't into it as much as i was, and when i tried to talk about it he stormed off and promptly disappeared off the face of the earth! I tried to make contact and he ignored me, so i moved on.
I was in bits for the first week, less in bits last week, and i'm doin pretty ok today I've only ever had this lovely experience once before. It was hard to accept that this guy valued what we had so little, that he'd just break up with me by pretending i didn't exist anymore!! But that's what he did.
You'll be fine but i know you're hurting - get out with your friends, talk to them, cry if you need to, go to the gym, buy new shoes, delete his number, clear all phone and message history, clear the way for someone new - you don't want someone new yet, but you will.
Oh by the way, after a week my mr. perfect saw that i had moved on and texted to dump me, but implying that our breakup was my fault. I replied and highlighted that in fact it was him who had the problem. He replied with "fair enough" - i mention this because i (once again) realised that guys who are dumping you really don't care what you have to say, sometimes venting your anger does make you feel better but most of the time you're left with even more questions about their reaction to your reaction. Keep your dignity and your sanity - vent to your friends, don't let him see that you're hurting or that you even give a sh1t cos he's not worth it. Expend that energy on someone who is. Hang in there - it will get better xxx0 -
-
-
im still here and no nothing heard since. on inspiration from hot shower and advice from friend and my paranoid head actually worrying about him.. i txt earlier, i know i shouldnt have but all i text was "Hey is everything alright?" Was giving him a bone (if thats right phrase) so he could go right yeah loook etc etc but...
and no reply surprise surprise.
no thats me finished with him.
anyway yes i'm grand sunflower thanks for asking xx 0 -
-
-
Advertisement
-
MsAllyBear, don't beat yourself up about the fact that you texted him to find out what's going on - that's what normal people do after all, communicate.
It appears that he has checked out of the relationship. I guess there's a possibility that he may get back to you in a while and say he was busy etc. etc. and want to continue, and if that happens you need to decide if you want to be with someone who'd ignore you for days, then change his mind.
But i would say he is telling you it's over. I know it's very hard to get your head round that when there are so many unanswered questions, but in my experience no answer is your answer. I don't mean to be harsh or too direct, and i hope i'm not coming across like that, it's just that i've gone through the same thing. Hope you're doing ok and best of luck 0 -
LovelyLottie wrote: »MsAllyBear, don't beat yourself up about the fact that you texted him to find out what's going on - that's what normal people do after all, communicate.
It appears that he has checked out of the relationship. I guess there's a possibility that he may get back to you in a while and say he was busy etc. etc. and want to continue, and if that happens you need to decide if you want to be with someone who'd ignore you for days, then change his mind.
But i would say he is telling you it's over. I know it's very hard to get your head round that when there are so many unanswered questions, but in my experience no answer is your answer. I don't mean to be harsh or too direct, and i hope i'm not coming across like that, it's just that i've gone through the same thing. Hope you're doing ok and best of luck
Ah thanks, no dont worry i get what your saying, aw its clear by now it's over , i said i'd kinda wait till this evening see if he replies and if not by then then i'd know. so i know.
it's obviously how he does it, cos i'm not all over sensitive around him that he'd be afriad i'd start wailing at being dumped.
aww if he gets in contact, he cant use busy cos takes 2 mins to say hello im alive so he cant use that.. Obviously i hope to God nothing bad going on with him.
but if does get contact ,it's tough luck to him.
anyway his loss, i'm done. number deleted, text msgs deleted. fb is next.
tomorrow is a fresh start and all that jazz. 0 -
-
-
trying to shut him out of my head, and yet i keep thinking, Ah he'll text me now , i wish he actually would and just confirm its over so i can just have closure if that makes sense rather than waiting longer for him to contact me and explain that he's an A-Hole and yes its over..
was supposed to go to dancing thingy toinght and got all excited that i'd forget about him completly for few hours and no its cancelled. 0 -
-
Advertisement
-
-
-
username123 wrote: »Why bother? He didnt have the courtesy to tell her that he was moving on, why should she bother telling him? She can move on herself without telling him anything. Another bit of contact just makes her look like she is being dramatic and needy.
I disagree. The OP has said herself that she keeps thinking ‘Ah he'll text me now’ and that she’d like a sense of closure. If he’s not going to give her that closure she needs to get it for herself. I’m not saying that she should send a snotty emailing calling him an asshole etc, but just something to say that she realises things aren’t working out and all the best etc. I know people are going to say ‘he’s not worth even that’, but it’s not about being courteous even, it’s about the OP getting a sense of closure and remaining the bigger person while doing so. If she was do this in say a month it would look like she’s pining and needy, but doing it now would be the right time I’d say.
OP obviously it’s up to you what you want to do, but I just thought I’d give another perspective. I’m finding it hard to believe that I’m the only one thinking a clean break is more healthy 0 -
sunflower27 wrote: »She's got closure. She knows he is out jogging etc, etc. He has not returned her call or last text.
I wouldn’t consider him being spotted jogging by someone as closure There’s always the niggling doubt there’s some ‘good’ reason that he hasn’t called/texted yet. Or worse, that he’ll just try to pick things up again whenever suits him thinking that she’s still gagging for it as she’s made such an effort to contact him. If she makes it clear that things are over on her end there’s much less risk of that happening. 0 -
-
Advertisement
-
I’m finding it hard to believe that I’m the only one thinking a clean break is more healthy
But it already is a clean break. He has blanked her. She has already made the last contact, via a phonecall not returned and a text not answered.
Another text or call from her makes her look like she is trying some kind of overly dramatic closure finish to try and 'make' him respond to her.
Theres no need to be the person to 'formalise' it - its done. This kind of business of following up to make it official or formal is unnecessary. And its just another opportunity for the OP to wonder why yet again he hasnt bothered to reply. Its only doing your own head in to continually try to make the person blanking respond. Its not healthy at all.0 -
If he’s not going to give her that closure she needs to get it for herself.
OP obviously it’s up to you what you want to do, but I just thought I’d give another perspective. I’m finding it hard to believe that I’m the only one thinking a clean break is more healthy
Your idea of a 'clean break' is different than a lot of other peoples.
Sending a text to break up with someone who clearly does not want to hear from you smacks of a bit of desperation or trying to get a reaction out of them.
Closure comes from within, not one way dialogue with someone who is clearly not interested.
Closure comes from telling yourself I do not want to be in contact with someone who is ignoring me, my instinct tells me he is not interested so I am not going to waste my time thinking, texting or entertaining dialogue (especially one sided) with him, and put him in the past mentally.
OP let him jog on, you are done. His actions should have made clear in your head that he is not reliable relationship material.
God the thought of sending 'break-up' text to someone who does not want to be with you, or even getting one from someone you don't want to be with, makes me cringe and in all honesty is a little bit pathetic IMO.0 -
-
-
I wouldn’t consider him being spotted jogging by someone as closureThere’s always the niggling doubt there’s some ‘good’ reason that he hasn’t called/texted yet. Or worse, that he’ll just try to pick things up again whenever suits him thinking that she’s still gagging for it as she’s made such an effort to contact him. If she makes it clear that things are over on her end there’s much less risk of that happening.
You see woodchuck this is the problem with your closure break-up text. Your break up text has an agenda, trying to force a response to find out if he had a 'good' reason. It is hopeful of a response and has not quitr got the message.
The OP already 'knows' instinctively that he does not want to communicate with her. She would be better off accepting that and moving on instead of trying to 'catch' him out.
When you do that to someone who is not interested in you there is a lot less satisfaction then if you accept it and move on as soon as your instinct tells you no. You end up looking and feeling a bit of a needy desperado. Keep your dignity and energy for something better.0 -
-
Speaking from personal experience of the exact same situation, what's the point in contacting him? There are so many guys out there who want a girlfriend and know how to behave normally and civilly, why waste another second on a f*ckwit? As it's already clear that he's a coward and living in a parallel reality of how to treat people normally, the OP texting to dump him will probably result in him pretending that he didn't really want to break up but was busy with his oh-so-important-and-complicated life and make her feel like sh1t all over again! Remember, he's trying to get out of something without actually being the bad guy. In fact, i'm gonna stop typing right now. This loser doesn't deserve any more of my time! 0
-
-
-
daisybelle2008 wrote: »You see woodchuck this is the problem with your closure break-up text. Your break up text has an agenda, trying to force a response to find out if he had a 'good' reason. It is hopeful of a response and has not quitr got the message.
The OP already 'knows' instinctively that he does not want to communicate with her. She would be better off accepting that and moving on instead of trying to 'catch' him out.
When you do that to someone who is not interested in you there is a lot less satisfaction then if you accept it and move on as soon as your instinct tells you no. You end up looking and feeling a bit of a needy desperado. Keep your dignity and energy for something better.
I didn’t mean that she should contact him for a reason about his behaviour. In fact a non-response would be the best case scenario as it would confirm things are definitely over.
I don’t think it’s any more desperate than the level of contact she’s being doing recently to try and get in touch with him (btw I’m NOT saying you’ve acted needy/desperate OP, just that any perception of this by him wouldn’t change with one additional text/email on top of everything else). It already seems like he has a very low opinion of her to be acting so inconsiderately, who cares even if he DID view it as desperate!? At least he knows that’s one door that’s closed for good. THAT’S the whole point of it. No hidden agenda about getting answers out of him. (sorry OP but it’s unlikely you’ll ever know for 100% sure what happened)Hey I'm not disagreeing on the first point, he doesn't sound like the kinda prize the OP wants to win from what she's said, but at the same time she's emotionally invested in him, even if it's just a little bit, and so if he were to turn around after she formally breaks it off with some remotely plausible excuse as to why he's been freezing her out I think that would be more hurtful to her than just letting things lie the way they are.
it.
The thing is he could still come back with a plausible excuse at ANY point when it suits him. At least this way if he comes back with an excuse the OP can be prepared and deal with it now on her own terms.As for the second part even if she does email/text to finish she'll still wonder 'why' (drawing a line under things doesn't stop you thinking about them after all) and so IMO it's putting good effort after bad on someone who doesn't seem like he deserves it.
I agree it won’t stop her thinking about him and wondering ‘why’. But I think these thoughts/emotions are easier to process in order to move on if a line is drawn under the relationship. I’d consider closure and moving on two separate processes. I don’t see how someone can move on easily without closure (to me that’s both parties knowing the relationship is over).daisybelle2008 wrote: »Closure comes from within, it comes from trusting your instinct about when someone is interested or not. It comes from being able to like yourself enough to not entertain wishy washy second rate romance.
I guess we disagree on our definitions. For me I’d only feel a proper sense of closure if both people know the relationship is done and there isn’t a chance of things starting up again.daisybelle2008 wrote: »I don't know why you keep going on about 'if he comes back'. So what? If you have decided that you deserve better than why should that matter?
Because no matter how tough we all act, if an ex comes back on the scene it can hurt and bring back a lot of negative emotions. I just think having a clear cut break up (not a dramatic one or anything, just acknowledging that things won’t be going any further) make it less likely that he’ll reappear if he needs an ego boost. I’ve seen this happen to friends of mine, so it is a possibility.
I’m getting very lonely out here :P Does nobody else get what I’m trying to say? OP it’d be good to have some more input from you as to whether or not you still feel you need closure. If you don’t I’ll happily shut up (and I hope you’re doing ok btw! Sorry I’m more practical rather than emotional about these things, but I wouldn’t try to give you advice if I didn’t care) 0 -
Advertisement
This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement