Cheating Fiance- should I tell?

McChubbin

Hey folks, I got a dilema.

A good friend of mine is due to get married next year and we've been excitedly planning the day from dresses to the hen party.
However, my mother-who is matron of honor- just told me that the best man told her that the groom is currently cheating on my friend.

Now I have a dilema: should I tell my friend her fiance is cheating on her, break her heart and split them up or should I keep quiet and let her get married knowing her soon-to-be husband is a two timing prick?

I'm sworn to secrecy but it's been eatting away at me these past few days.
What kills me is that my friend has no idea what's going on.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

you shouldnt say anything you don't know first hand for something like this

it's all a lot of "i heard from x who heard from y that so and so might be cheating"

McChubbin

Well the best man is my stepdad and the groom told him that he was cheating so it's not a case of 'he said she said'. There's solid evidence to support the notion.

McChubbin

McChubbin wrote: »

Well the best man is my stepdad and the groom told him that he was cheating so it's not a case of 'he said she said'. There's solid evidence to support the notion.

in that case tell her asap
good lord i'd hate to get married and find out my "friends" knew i was being cheated on and let me go through it anyway - and have to deal with the divorce costs and hassle and heartbreak after

fungun

for a groom to tell his fiancees friends stepdad (as his best man is) sounds a bit odd.....

id be pretty pissed off if my friends knew my partner was cheating and let me get married but id still be wary of how sure you are that this is true. Should you perhaps approach the groom?

Miss Fluff

What a prick. Give the bastard an ultimatum and tell him if he doesn't tell her then you will.

username123

Would the matron of honour not tell the girl? Presumably she is matron of honour because she is close to the bride?

Would the best man not tell the groom to fess up and put a stop to the wedding?

Are all these people just happy to play along with the farce of a wedding knowing that the groom is cheating?

If you are gonna tell (which I would do in your shoes, much easier to deal with the fall out now for the poor girl rather than when she is actually married), just tell that your mother told you that her husband told her that the groom said. You cant state it as fact that he is cheating as he himself didnt tell you, but you will be implicating all the other people who know. Who else knows as it seems these people are not staying quiet on it!

Incidently, what was your mothers thoughts on it when she told you? Is she willing to just go along and say nothing?

cafecolour

So all you have is that your stepdad claims that the groom told him he was cheating? Do you have any evidence other than 'hearsay'? Do you know who he's cheating with? Are you sure your stepdad isn't completely misinterpreting some comment (as you have no idea what was even said)?

Honestly, this seems pretty tenuous to go to her with.

Big Bag of Chips

Seems to me like a lot of people know the "secret". If your mam is Matron of honour, I think her and her husband should approach the groom.

I find it very odd that the groom would tell the husband of the matron of honour that he is cheating... its all abit tight knit, isn't it?

Maybe he wants to be found out?

ash23

So OP, your mother and stepdad are clearly very close to the bride and groom as they are best man and matron of honour.
I'd talk to them and try to get them to tell the bride. Is it an ongoing affair or is it over?

I can't see how your mum and stepdad would stand at the altar and allow this woman to marry this man knowing he is cheating on her.
Your step dad needs to have words with the groom and try to get him to 'fess up. And if he won't then your mother needs to tell the bride.

I am a friend

Why won't your mother tell her?

I could never stand at the altar and see someone mistreat the bride like that.

McChubbin

My mother's view is that "It's not her business" but FFS she's all for keeping quiet and letting the wedding go ahead. I'm torn between telling her and keeping quiet too.

Big Bag of Chips

Ask your mother if it was her daughter getting married (you!) Would she like someone to take the same "its not my business" attitude.

If she's not willing to say something, at least to the groom, then I think she should at least step down as Matron of Honour.

I know I couldn't be witness to someone's marriage if I thought it wasn't genuine.

McChubbin

Both my mother and stepdad want to step down as matron of honor and best man respectively but they can't get out of it. I talked to my mother about what she would do if it was me getting married but she still insists I "forever hold my peace".

LegacyUser

Let the "victim" know, anonymously, if you feel that serious about her being made a fool of, and half the country knowing she's an idiot?

Buy a SIM card and send her a text message, it will not be traced.

If she ever finds out, and finds out that you knew, how do you think she'll react?

If someone was stealing money off her you'd let her know, but when her reputation and future is at stake you prefer to say nothing?

Oryx

Some possible outcomes:
You tell the girl and she doesnt believe you. You end up ostracised and hated and the wedding goes ahead.
You tell the girl and she does believe you. She still goes ahead with the wedding because 'it will be different once we are married'.
You tell her and the wedding is called off. Yet again, you take the blame for causing the trainwreck.

This is why so often people keep their noses out of stuff like this, because sticking them in means they are liable to get cut off. Im not saying its right, but it happens all the time.

How close are you to this groom? Because in your shoes, he is who I would be talking to first. Though he sounds like someone who really thinks it doesnt matter if he gets found out (he told the best man) so maybe he thinks this girl wouldnt leave him anyway.

Just think long and hard before getting caught up in this. People are more complex and contrary than you might think. This girl might not actually be grateful for your intervention.

username123

McChubbin wrote: »

Both my mother and stepdad want to step down as matron of honor and best man respectively but they can't get out of it.

Course they can 'get out of it' - they simply tell the groom that they cant stand by and do this in the knowledge that he is cheating!

McChubbin wrote: »

"forever hold my peace".

Except she isnt holding her peace - she has already told you, who else has she told or will she tell? Clearly neither her or the best man are NOT keeping quiet. He has told at least one person, and so has she - so far.

aidan24326

Oryx wrote: »

Just think long and hard before getting caught up in this. People are more complex and contrary than you might think. This girl might not actually be grateful for your intervention.

OP, the above is good advice. People are often far too quick to go steaming into these things head first so tread carefully, and if you do decide to spill the beans know that you won't necessarily be getting a hug and a thanks for it. It could quite easily be the total opposite.

Just make sure you have your facts straight before you go starting world war 3. Did your mom or your stepdad give you the lowdown on it? Like what's actually going on? I'd be establishing those details first.

If he's been having an ongoing affair, and especially if it's still going on, then you'll have no choice but to tell her if nobody else will, because if she's a good friend you can't let her go through with a charade. Be prepared for the inevitable sh1tstorm though.

dafunk

It's sweet of your mum and stepdad to say "keep stum", they are the ones that passed the problem to you. They didn't want the burden of not knowing what to do so they daisy chained the problem along. Unfortunately you are the end of the chain and now it's up to you to decide what to do.

My advice is meet up with the fiance, if it's not normal for you to hang out with him then make up some bull**** reason related to the wedding so he's caught unaware and ask him straight out. Until you see his reaction you don't know what is happening or did happen. He could be having a full blown affair or it could have been something that has been blown all out of proportion, i.e. maybe he kissed some girl on his stag and the story has been Chinese whispered. If he is then tell him he's gotta tell her.

This could cause rows between your own family too as well as between friends so it's a really tricky one. i.e. Groom could be furious with best man for blabbing, best man could be furious with your mother for blabbing because it's landed him in the sh1t with his mate, both of them could be furious with you for blabbing because it's landed both of them in it etc....

Jenneke87

I'd say talk to the groom first, that you don't mean to start a fight or tarnish his reputation but that you are looking out for your friend and tell him what you've heard. If it's true(he confesses) then personally I would tell her. This is no way to start a marriage, the weddings vows are already broken before they even say:" I do"

I am a friend

Well you either tell her and she does nothing about it or (maybe) stops talking to you or don't tell her, let her marry this toerag and never be able to look her in the eye again.

Either way you have changed your relationship but I would rather it changed for the right reasons rather than out of my guilt.

moco

Is there any way you can get more info from your mum or stepdad and use it to confront the fiancé, saying you heard it from someone else? Like if they went to a certain place, say he was spotted there with her? Then say if he doesn't tell your friend that you will?

Dionysus

Yes, you should tell what you've been told, and make sure you are precise about what was said and by whom.

It's a no-brainer. It shouldn't need explaining why telling her is the only decent choice you can make.

LegacyUser

It's very easy for people here, anonymous as they are, to say tell her.

I would say no.

It is none of your business, it really isn't. All you can do as a friend is be there for her. She will not thank you for fcuking her impending wedding up. She will not thank you if she goes ahead with it. She will not thank you if she already knows.

There are no good outcomes here by telling her. Sure you can make her think, let her know you'll be there if she cancels the wedding, encourage the fiance to own up, all manner of things really, but don't tell her directly yourself.

That's my advice.

Katgurl

Ok you cannot let this farce go ahead. A wedding where almost the entire bridal party is aware of infidelity?

Insist your mother an stepdad refuse to take part.
Tell the groom you know what's going on (find out exact details first) and give him opportunity to come clean himself.
If groom won't play ball then tell the bride.

Yes you might be the messenger that gets shot but you have no choice.

I am a friend

Why do people assume the bride won't want to know? The news would be hard to hear but I would want to know in her shoes.

Danniboo

OP, I once told someone I know that her sisters(who I also know well) bf tried it on, I got looks of horror off my friends, like I can't believe you told her etc. But to hell with it i'd rather listen to sh*t for being honest than have everything rosy and telling a lie.

I am a friend

Danniboo wrote: »

got looks of horror off my friends.

Op I would also ensure I tell her in private...

the purple tin

People are saying she won't thank you for telling her now.
Well she certainly won't thank you down the line when she finds out for herself and realises how many of you knew about it and said nothing.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't get involved and here's why: two years ago I found out my lifelong best friend's fiance was cheating on her, sleeping around with several different women. I saw him first hand take someone to his hotel room on a business trip on three different occasions in short succession [I work with him]. I told him he couldn't go ahead with his marriage to my friend but he didn't care and refused to tell her or stop doing it.

I summed up the courage to tell her about 6 months before the wedding and it cost me my lifelong friend.

She seems to have decided she was getting too old to find someone else [age 28] and it was now or never for husband, children, etc, so she was turning a blind eye to what was being done blatantly before her eyes. Her priorities of having children were higher than a non-cheating spouse. As long as he provided for her, and spent the majority of his time with her, she seems to have been able to overlook the rest.

She turned nasty with me for interfering, for 'rubbing her nose in it', but never for a second contemplated ending things with him.

The wedding went ahead. I did not attend the farce. She had to find herself a new bridesmaid as I stepped down.

They're still together and on a business trip 2 weeks ago I watched him take two different women to his hotel room for the night over the 6 days we were away, one was possibly a prostitute.

MY best friend from before we even started school does not talk to me but her cheating spouse has no hard feelings towards me. He's just doing what he is being let get away with.

I learned the hard way to keep my nose out. If my partner was cheating on me, I would certainly notice a change in his behaviour, etc. I have been cheated on in the past and didn't need anyone to tell me, I could spot something was up. Late night calls, constant texting and a new distance between my ex partner and I.

There's a chance in your case OP, the bride-to-be has a good idea what her man is like but is willing to put up with it. She certainly wouldn't be the first.

Taltos

All - let's try to tone back the name calling a bit please.
Remember whatever our personal feelings towards this guy we do still need to keep it civil here.

Taltos

I am a friend

nonn wrote: »

She seems to have decided she was getting too old to find someone else [age 28] and it was now or never for husband, children, etc, so she was turning a blind eye to what was being done blatantly before her eyes. Her priorities of having children were higher than a non-cheating spouse. As long as he provided for her, and spent the majority of his time with her, she seems to have been able to overlook the rest.

Well to be honest she doesnt sound like she is operating on full cylinders and why would you want to be friends with that.... At least you have a clear conscience.. Once you knew, the dynamic of the relationship had already changed anyway because you knew.... It could never have been normal after that.

username123

nonn wrote: »

I summed up the courage to tell her about 6 months before the wedding and it cost me my lifelong friend.

If you HADNT told, theres a good chance you would have lost the friendship anyway because you would have felt awful knowing that and being close to the person, and maybe would have drifted, or maybe she would have found out later and been disgusted you hadnt told her. I wouldnt be surprised if later in life when she eventually does get sick of that behaviour that she comes back to you and admits that you were right to do what you did. I think you did the right thing and as said already, you have a clear conscience.

If I were the bride Id want to know before I legally bind myself to this person.

McChubbin

nonn wrote: »

I wouldn't get involved and here's why: two years ago I found out my lifelong best friend's fiance was cheating on her, sleeping around with several different women. I saw him first hand take someone to his hotel room on a business trip on three different occasions in short succession [I work with him]. I told him he couldn't go ahead with his marriage to my friend but he didn't care and refused to tell her or stop doing it.

I summed up the courage to tell her about 6 months before the wedding and it cost me my lifelong friend.

She seems to have decided she was getting too old to find someone else [age 28] and it was now or never for husband, children, etc, so she was turning a blind eye to what was being done blatantly before her eyes. Her priorities of having children were higher than a non-cheating spouse. As long as he provided for her, and spent the majority of his time with her, she seems to have been able to overlook the rest.

She turned nasty with me for interfering, for 'rubbing her nose in it', but never for a second contemplated ending things with him.

The wedding went ahead. I did not attend the farce. She had to find herself a new bridesmaid as I stepped down.

They're still together and on a business trip 2 weeks ago I watched him take two different women to his hotel room for the night over the 6 days we were away, one was possibly a prostitute.

MY best friend from before we even started school does not talk to me but her cheating spouse has no hard feelings towards me. He's just doing what he is being let get away with.

I learned the hard way to keep my nose out. If my partner was cheating on me, I would certainly notice a change in his behaviour, etc. I have been cheated on in the past and didn't need anyone to tell me, I could spot something was up. Late night calls, constant texting and a new distance between my ex partner and I.

There's a chance in your case OP, the bride-to-be has a good idea what her man is like but is willing to put up with it. She certainly wouldn't be the first.

This is what I fear. She's a lovely woman who's only 25-I fear if I tell her she'll take the same approach as your friend and hate me for it as well as going full steam ahead with a sham wedding.

I am a friend

McChubbin wrote: »

This is what I fear. She's a lovely woman who's only 25-I fear if I tell her she'll take the same approach as your friend and hate me for it as well as going full steam ahead with a sham wedding.

I know but she should have the choice whether or not to cock up her life by having all the facts....

I could never hate the messenger, especially when the news is being provided for my own best interests... She needs to know though.

Ickle Magoo

McChubbin wrote: »

This is what I fear. She's a lovely woman who's only 25-I fear if I tell her she'll take the same approach as your friend and hate me for it as well as going full steam ahead with a sham wedding.

Do you really want to be friends with someone who would hate you for pointing out their partner is cheating and would tie themselves to such a man anyway? Can you listen to them crying on your shoulder with their suspicions in the years to come? Do you think if/when he's found out he's going to keep quiet about everyone else who helped pull the wool over her eyes? I think it's one of those damned if you do/damned if you don't situations.

I'd tell - and tbh if they want to hate the messenger, have a sham wedding and go eyes open into what could well be a fairly miserable marriage then that's their choice to make - but at least they'd have an informed choice.

I'd consider myself a pretty shoddy friend and have much trouble looking myself in the eye pretending it's a great wedding day and they're the loving couple knowing what you know - never mind trying to carry on being a friend after they are married so I'd say the friendship is doomed either way.

LittleBook

McChubbin wrote: »

My mother's view is that "It's not her business" but FFS she's all for keeping quiet and letting the wedding go ahead. I'm torn between telling her and keeping quiet too.

And for the record, your mother has no right to be the "matron of honour" at that wedding.

curlzy

I really can't believe the amount of people saying don't tell her, she won't want to know. I mean come on how low an opinion of women do you have? Seriously you must think women are pathetic to be saying stuff like that. Women that would put up with that kind of scummy behaviour are the exception to the rule, the vast vast vast majority would want to know.

I'm assuming OP, you can guess what my advice is, tell her, for the love of god, tell her. I mean come on, how can seriously consider not telling her? You're supposed to be her friend no? Wouldn't you want to be told?

ElleEm

I don't even think I'd be asking this question if I was in the same prediciment.
I would definitely tell her. She is a friend. And surely you cannot think of planning her wedding and standing there with her on her "happy day" all the while, knowing her bloke is a dirtbag.

If I found out my friends knew my partner was cheating on me and said nothing, they would no longer be my friends.

kellsbells73

OP have not read through all replies so apologies if im repeating but my advice would be to sit her down tell her you have something to say and whatever she does you will support and not judge her in whatever she decides to do and then tell her what you know

The reason I say this is people usually shoot the messenger because deep down they are emmbarresed and would rather forget the whole thing and when they see you ,you are just a reminder of their weakness But if they know there is no judgement or smugness they may react to you differently and understand your side.

Now the other side is can you honestly not judge her or him and support her,if so I dont see why the friendship wont survive.

its up to you now. best of luck.

Emadrn

I give this advice from personal experience. I was in a relationship with a guy for 6 years but we ended up splitting up. I was getting over him when to my shock nearly 6 months later people started telling me he had been cheating on me for possibly most of the time I had been in a relationship with him and no one had told me. I had to listen to a load of crap like " oh we didn't feel it was our place to say..." "I couldn't bring myself to tell you...." blah blah!!!
It hurts a lot more that people you know haven't been truthful about what's going on and you have been living a lie and have been in the dark to what your partner has been up to and obviously this is more serious as they are planing to marry so she needs to know .
So I think you should tell her but firstly you really need to talk to the Best man and get as much information as possible. But I will say this by all means do the right thing because she deserves the truth however the truth sometimes comes with a price. You might tell her and she could be more mad with you!!! thinking your lying and in denial to the sort of person he is. If unfortunately this happens its out of your control....