Marriage is over??

LegacyUser

I'll try to keep this short even though it's a long story.

I'm 28 and have been married for almost 3 years. My marriage is in a mess and it looks like it's over.

Basically we lived together when we were going out. During our engagement my now husband lost his job where we were living and we ended up living apart as he pretty much moved to the over side of the country, not to work but because he could do his hobby there. He would come back to stay with me a couple of nights a week but never attempted to get a job where we lived. Looking back I can see that this was the start of all our problems but at the time I didn't say much as I didn't want to be the nagging fiance. I used to miss him alot then and would tell him as much on the phone every night.

He ended up getting part time, seasonal work related to this hobby. To bo honest I always resented the fact that he never actually looked for a "Proper" job and he just fell into this part time work by accident as it is to do with his hobby. Anyway fast forward over three years and that is still the situation. His work is really only in the Summer and he spends alot of time just hanging around. He expects me to pay for everything as I earn much more. I pay for cars he buys (always heaps of junk that end up costing a fortune in repairs) and all our trips and holidays.To be honest I resent this as I work hard and he has never once looked for real work.

Throughout this time I basically withdrew from the relationship in that I lost interest in sex. For me being loved and feeling looked after is the main turn on and it was always me looking after him so I lost interest in sex. This caused huge problems as sex is very important to him (more important than anything else I think).

To top it all off I often don't believe things he says anymore. I don't think he has cheated but I feel that in other ways he is just acting like he is single, he recently seems to be drinking more than usual, he hangs around with others a good bit younger than him and I think he now does soft drugs (hash, mushrooms etc.) although he denied this when I asked him. I feel like I don't know him anymore.

Yesterday he went mental with me because he asked me to "go upstairs" during the day and I said not now (I had already given him a BJ yesterday morning). He barely spoke to me all day and left to go back to where he stays without saying good bye.

It seems that we're over and in my heart I think it's the right thing to do but I'm scared. I think if I knew I would meet someone else I would be ok but I'm terrified that I won't. I've been with him since I was 18. I don't know what to do. I really wanted a home and children and I have always worked hard and saved hard with that in mind. I feel so low.

Can anyone offer me any advice?

Thanks

Boskowski

When your husbandf regards sex as some sort of service he's 'entitled' to rather than something 2 people do out of love to each other he's emotionally not on the same level. He seems very comfortable in his laddish arrangement and most girls I know would probably say he needs a good kick up the a... or worse. It sounds like he's using you.

Neyite

I am of the opinion that you cant be a lover and a mother to a man at the same time. One or the other wins.

I came to the conclusion when I once had a boyfriend who I had to do everything in the relationship, from paying for nights out or weekends away, to being responsible for the bills and budgeting. I found that any romantic feelings I had evaporated when it began to feel like I was minding a selfish toddler.

As long as you are financially supporting him, he is clearly happy to let you, so that wont change. As for ordering you upstairs? I'm glad you said no.

You are 28. What happens if you decide you want children? who supports you then? what if you are sick and a child needs looking after. He sounds like he would not be bothered to figure out how a nappy goes on.

You are only 28. Leave this waster to his single life, and get on with your own. Of course you will meet someone else. I met the love of my life at nearly 30 and 6 years later we are having our first child and I can face this change in my life knowing that he will be parenting it every step of the way with me.

A0

Your husband is disrespectful and has no pride. If you don't have kids, dump him ASAP, you will definitely find someone better.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. Maybe I'm just clinging onto the relationship and I see your point about him using me but in a way I don't think he's intentionally using me. We have argued and spoke about the issues time and time again. He thinks that if I was really attracted to him I would be turned on and want to have sex even if we weren't getting on in other ways. I don't share this view, I know myself and I know that if I felt he was working hard for me and us and our future and if I felt cared for and looked after I would really admire him and that would be a turn on for me. I suppose our views on sex are incompatible.

There were times when he tried, or at least he thought he was trying but this consisted of texts saying "I hope you're ok" etc. after I told him I wished he'd look after me more. At these times I just felt he was ticking things off a list so that I'd get into bed with him.

I'm so upset, I suppose we got together too young and looking back at times when we nearly broke up I wish we had.

I really wanted a family and I'm terrified now that I won't have that. I always wanted to have children relatively young. I don't know what to do. I kind of drifted from friends I had when I met my now husband and any time I went out socially was connected to him. I'm so so down and worried

kate.m

This kind of sounds like my parents (mainly in regards to how your husband is using you for your income anyway...)

You have to confront him. Why are you paying for everything and Does he think that's fair? Why should you fund his nights out and drug habits?

I feel bad for your situation as I'm sure you're emotionally involved but unless he decides to change, you wont be happy.

He's going to be happy to live off you. You're supporting his easy lifestyle.

Sorry if it sounds harsh.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for your replies. Just to make one thing clear - he is on jobseekers benefit at times when he doesn't have the seasonal work. So I don't actually pay for his day to day expenses. But if we go for dinner or go away I generally pay for most if not all of the cost. The last few vehicles he bought I paid for. In fairness though, he would have got a loan for these but I said I'd pay as I didn't want to see him in debt. I just wanted to make that clear.

When I talk to him about looking for work he just gets all defensive and says it's easy for me to say that as I have a job and he then often goes on to say all I care about is money. I come from a poor family so I suppose I have always worked hard and saved as much as I can as I don't want to have a future like my parents had.

He also said a couple of times that I'm selfish as I think he would prefer to emigrate but I would find it very hard to give up the job I have here as it's fairly stable and well paid and I would worry that if we went abroad and it didn't work out I would have nothing when we came back and as I'm the only one working what would we do then? He seems to think that a job will just land in his lap if he emigrated. But he hasn't once looked for work in Ireland! If he had exhausted every possible avenue of getting work here I could see his logic in emigrating.

username123

What does he actually contribute to the marraige?

Financial support? no.
Emotional support? Doesnt sound like it.
Companionship? Not if he lives apart from you.
Trust? Youve said you dont believe things he says anymore.
Love?
Respect?
Communication?

What do you actually get out of this marraige besides a feeling of frustration and hurt?

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies, my posts are taking ages to be uploaded so apologies if it seems I am replying to earlier posts.

Based on my second and third posts does anyone think there's any hope? I'm probably deluding myself, I've always been the type to blame myself for things, does anyone think he's right - that if I really fancied him I'd always be up for sex even if we weren't getting on? He thinks it's rubbish when I tell him I need to feel loved and cared for to be turned on.......

A0

If he (and you) wants to save the marriage, he should look for part-time jobs (cleaner, shop assistant, cashier, etc.) in the area you are living in. These don't require high qualifications and specific skills but will, at least, help in the budget... Re-reading your OP, it sounds like a friend with benefits situation more than a married couple one. I have worked in different countries, I know it sounds obvious but: only move if you are both sure to have a job or at least one of you with a permanent contract, so it gives to the other one a bit of slack to find a job...

Ickle Magoo

Scared_2011 wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies, my posts are taking ages to be uploaded so apologies if it seems I am replying to earlier posts.

Unregistered posts must be manually approved by a moderator so can take some time to show on-thread. :cool:

LegacyUser

I just don't know what to do for the best. I think that I am probably better off without him and asap so that I can start getting on with my life and hopefully getting into a position where it will be possible to meet someone else. I am so scared of being alone though. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I don't know him anymore, I am so sad. He thinks that all our problems are my fault because I don't want to have sex all the time. Part of me feels that he would be happy to continue as we are, living apart, if I was all over him sexually every weekend. He seems to have no ambition or pride or desire to provide for us.

Other times I think I should just act and pretend I am into him and take him to bed all the time, just to keep him happy and then life would be easier

I am a friend

Scared_2011 wrote: »

He thinks that all our problems are my fault because I don't want to have sex all the time.

PLease keep reading this and decide if this is the person you want to be tied to for the next 50 years....

ABajaninCork

Scared_2011 wrote: »

I just don't know what to do for the best. I think that I am probably better off without him and asap so that I can start getting on with my life and hopefully getting into a position where it will be possible to meet someone else. I am so scared of being alone though. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I don't know him anymore, I am so sad. He thinks that all our problems are my fault because I don't want to have sex all the time. Part of me feels that he would be happy to continue as we are, living apart, if I was all over him sexually every weekend. He seems to have no ambition or pride or desire to provide for us.

Other times I think I should just act and pretend I am into him and take him to bed all the time, just to keep him happy and then life would be easier

No. DON'T take him to bed just to make life easier. DON'T continue to bankroll him. STOP babying him. You already resent him (with reason). If you did this, you'll end up hating yourself as well as him. What would he do if the JSA ran out? He'll have to get off his arse and look for work then...

Would you be able to arrange counselling for yourself? Just to give some clarity to your thoughts.

I hope you can find a way of out this.

johnr1

Hi OP,

The sex bit wouldn't worry me so much at all. It's quite normal for a woman, or man, but more usually a woman, to lose interest in sex in a relationship which isn't right in other ways.

The huge problem here is that your husband is living apart from you BY CHOICE.
I can only think of a couple of situations in which a marriage can last with the partners living apart, and all are short term, necessary, and with the long term goal of being together with work towards that end being done.

Your husband isn't in England or somewhere else trying to support a family, he's not looking after a sick relative, and he's not in college getting an education towards a better job.
Instead he's over the other side of the country dossing as sunflower correctly put it, and in my opinion avoiding the fact that he's actually married at all.

For the love of God No - yourself, dump this loser and start living your life. We only get one, and do you want to look back in ten years wondering why you wasted your best years on a manchild with serious issues.

There is life after a failed marriage, and it's far better than the life beforehand. Trust me, I know this.

Best of luck.

nowyouresix

OP: you're only 28. My advice is to separate. Imagine if you ended up having a child with this man, not only would you be the mother, the breadwinner, you'd have 2 kids to look after... you'd end up resenting him even more! Right now, since you're the main breadwinner, I'm guessing he's not feeling very "manly" as it were, hence the faffing about over the other side of the country, with his hobby.
You are his wife, not his mother.
You are young and can start again with a clean sheet, no kids, no baggage....I'd say go for it.
Cut your losses, and get out.
Sorry if you think that's harsh, but if you are feeling resentment towards him already, after three years, then, by the time you get to ten years, you'll hate his guts, perhaps have kids, and a lifetime of misery in front of you. I have a sneaking suspicion that you have already made up your mind to separate anyway ??

Best of luck.

themadchef

johnr1 wrote: »

There is life after a failed marriage, and it's far better than the life beforehand. Trust me, I know this.

Best of luck.

This.

You need to love yourself enough to leave him though. Do you?

Never ask if there is someone out there to love you, if you dont love yourself.

Go for it

username123

Scared_2011 wrote: »

I think that I am probably better off without him and asap so that I can start getting on with my life and hopefully getting into a position where it will be possible to meet someone else.

I wouldnt even be worrying about meeting someone else yet, you need to be happy just being you, without a relationship - if you love you, you will project that and will not accept another fool who doesnt love you.

Scared_2011 wrote: »

I am so scared of being alone though.

You know what? The fear of being alone is a million times worse than the actuality of being alone. Its nice to get to know yourself without some loser dragging you down!

Scared_2011 wrote: »

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I don't know him anymore, I am so sad. He thinks that all our problems are my fault because I don't want to have sex all the time. Part of me feels that he would be happy to continue as we are, living apart, if I was all over him sexually every weekend. He seems to have no ambition or pride or desire to provide for us.

No, you do know him, you just dont want to accept what that knowledge entails - that he is a using, lazy, self indulgent git who expects sex on tap from you in return for being a waster. He must think he has a penis made of solid gold that gives endless orgasms!

Scared_2011 wrote: »

Other times I think I should just act and pretend I am into him and take him to bed all the time, just to keep him happy and then life would be easier

Thatd make life easier alright - for him!

He is treating you and his marriage with dreadful disrespect!!! Leave him. Please leave him and get your self respect back.

LegacyUser

I really appreciate all the replies.
I will try to organise counselling, I had an appointment made a couple of months ago as I was feeling very low and as if I didn't want to go on. But I ended up cancelling the appointment. Around that time I was feeling like I didn't want to be around any more. I actually told my husband that at the time and he went mad and said I was selfish and told me to sort myself out before contacting him again! I turned to my mother for support and the difference between the things she said to me and what he said was unbelievable.

I am abit worried that I am making myself out to be perfect in these posts. I'm not. When we argue lately I curse and shout alot at him. I hate that I have turned into that kind of person. Also, I suppose I get onto him alot about looking for work and he says this is nagging and that I'm only interested in money. I know that I have also started putting him down alot because deep down I feel that he has turned into a waster. I hate even typing that. I just want to make sure I'm not just telling the story from my side.

I tried to tell him lately that I feel I would be turned on more if he worked hard and I admired him but he told me I'd want to be electrocuted to be turned on.

Is there anyone reading this that thinks he is even the slightest bit right to say that I should be more into sex with him? He says that I use it as a weapon against him. He says sometimes that I'd be better off with someone who never wants to do it. But hes doesn't know me at all. I would regard myself as a fairly sexual person and would love to have a healthy and active sex life, I really believe if I was with a man who looked after me I would enjoy sex with him.

I suppose it's only now I realise that I am fairly traditional and I see a husband as someone who works hard and wants to provide for his wife and family. In our relationship I do that role.

Flashgordon197

Be honest with him but dont be too quick to walk away from a marriage. Be direct. Make him face reality. Ask him to change. Provide support for this change. What attracted you to him initially.? If you separate you could end up supporting him financially plus it will mess with your head.

hairyprincess

This isn't the husband you want and deserve, is he really the father you want for your children? Is he going to be a good role model for them?

Before you decide to end it, suggest to him that you go to couple counselling together. If he refuses, then maybe you have your answer. But if he agrees to it who knows what might come out of it. Don't throw it away until you BOTH, TOGETHER have exhausted all avenues to making things work. You have a lot of history together, do yourself a favour and be 100% sure that a future without him is what you want.

And for the record, there is life after a failed marriage. I'm one success story, and I have five years on you

up for anything

Scared_2011 wrote: »

He barely spoke to me all day and left to go back to where he stays without saying good bye.

He is still staying away to do his hobby even though you are married now? That seems completely wrong. It is easy enough in a marriage to grow apart when you are living under the same roof, let alone at the other side of the country.

You've given him all the emotional and financial support while he gives you none. Who is there to listen to you and pat your back when you get back from a long, hard day at work? There is no need for you to be living apart, even if he doesn't get another 'proper' job until the Summer when his hobby job starts up again.

Bottle_of_Smoke

sunflower27 wrote: »

In fairness, the OP has been saying to him for YEARS she is unhappy and misses him and he has not even tried to find a job near her. What else is there to say? It is all falling on deaf ears. He doesn't want to change his lifestyle.

He sounds incredibly immature and doesn't seem to have a clue about what being in a marriage is about

Could I see a partner upset and know I have the power to try and change it and do nothing - definitely not. It's just not good enough.

Thing is; the OP is enabling all this to a certain extent. He is definitely far far more in the wrong of course.

OP if I were you I'd give an ultimatum - he gets a real job close to you and makes his hobby part time.

What I meant by enabling is he has gotten used to you paying for nice things like meals and going away. You were really taking the piss buying that car.

I strongly suspect he knew you would pay it on the threat of him getting a loan. What planet is this man on? He doesn't have money for going out or trips away but claims he is willing to get a loan to buy a crappy car?

The only reason I think you should give him a last chance is you have been going along with his nonsensical life and supporting it. Tell him this won't be happening and if he doesn't meet you halfway its divorce time. If he promises to change make sure to hold him to his promises and do not let him fall into his old routine. If he does then you are better moving on.

Bottle_of_Smoke

and just on the sex thing. I completely understand. Being intimate with someone you love when you're hopeless and angry at them is horrible and i suspect even harrowing/damaging.

username123

Scared_2011 wrote: »

Is there anyone reading this that thinks he is even the slightest bit right to say that I should be more into sex with him? He says that I use it as a weapon against him. He says sometimes that I'd be better off with someone who never wants to do it. But hes doesn't know me at all. I would regard myself as a fairly sexual person and would love to have a healthy and active sex life, I really believe if I was with a man who looked after me I would enjoy sex with him.

Well I dont think he is the slightest bit right. I suppose in his denial world he has NOTHING that stands in defence of his behaviour so he tries to put it on you by attacking you for not being interested in sex or for nagging him to get a job.

What he is failing to realise is that he is in fact the cause of the above. If he was looking for a job or had a job and was being a responsible equal member of the relationship then you would be more interested in him sexually and you wouldnt have to nag him to get a job!

But its easier to blame you because when you can blame the other person you dont have to admit to your own faults and address them.

As other posters have said - you ARE enabling his behaviour.

I doubt you are perfect either btw, there are always 2 sides to every story and what you are saying about putting him down and arguing sounds par for the course given the situation - but no one is perfect. But what you are describing, you are effectively bankrolling someone elses bad behaviour and dont seem to be getting anything in return except demands for sex.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for posting.

Since he left on Saturday evening I haven't seen him, he went back to where he "lives". I rang him a couple of times Saturday night, first time he was on his way there (driving) and said that he had been drinking before he left, I don't think he ever did this before. So I rang him again later that night to see if he got there ok and there was no answer. I rang him Sunday morning and he didn't answer for ages, eventually he did and we just spoke for a minute.

I texted him last night aksing him if he still thinks it's my fault that we're breaking up and he texted back saying he didn't know but that he didn't think he'd ever be happy with me.

I texted him back saying that I didn't deserve to be treated badly just because I don't run into bed the second he asks me and that he didn't even bother looking for a job where I live once in the last three years. He didn't reply. I know I was probably foolish to even bother contacting him. I'm not going to contact him again.

I'm devastated and so upset.

Firetrap

I've been reading down through what you wrote. For a man who's astoundingly self-centred, he's very quick to accuse you of being selfish. You also appear to be in the wrong according to himself.

Yesterday he went mental with me because he asked me to "go upstairs" during the day and I said not now ..He barely spoke to me all day and left to go back to where he stays without saying good bye.

When I talk to him about looking for work he just gets all defensive and says it's easy for me to say that as I have a job and he then often goes on to say all I care about is money.

He also said a couple of times that I'm selfish as I think he would prefer to emigrate ...

He thinks it's rubbish when I tell him I need to feel loved and cared for to be turned on.......

(Re counselling) I actually told my husband that at the time and he went mad and said I was selfish and told me to sort myself out before contacting him again

I tried to tell him lately that I feel I would be turned on more if he worked hard and I admired him but he told me I'd want to be electrocuted to be turned on.

Obviously I'm not in your marriage and I don't know either of you from Adam but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Whether you choose to walk from the marriage or not is a decision you're going to have to make. Whatever you do, please don't have any kids or emigrate before you sort what way you're going to go. You are only 28 years of age and there is still plenty of time for you to start again should you choose to split.

LegacyUser

You're well rid of him.

I'm not sure if you've ever had another relationship but this is not what a marriage/relationship is about. It was a total farce I'm afraid.

I would seek counselling OP for yourself. The reason being you need to look into why you accepted being used in such a way for such a long time. You let yourself be used as a meal ticket.

That's not how normal relationships are. Really. He is a waster and was dragging you down, you are worth so much more.

curlzy

Hey OP,

First of all *Big Hug*, the ending of a marraige is never easy, even when it's a marraige to a useless lump of a man. With regards to the sex, no I never ever have sex with my bf if I'm fighting with him, how in the name of god could you possibly think it would feel nice to have someone you're angry at INSIDE YOU?!?!? So yeah OP, I doubt any woman enjoys sex with a partner they're angry with. (make up sex is different though, you're not still angry during that)

I know you're upset, as anyone would be but I think you'll get over it fairly quickly, it's seems it's been building for literally years so you're probably already emotionally gone from the relationship, it'll just take a while for your brain to catch up. Just to tell you what you already know: 1) he wasn't good enough for you by fair 2) he was a total waster loser 3) you're hardworking, reliable. So here's the truth OP, get out dating again and I'm sure you'll be whipped up in no time. Just have some standards next time for god's sakes. Figure you what you expect from your partner, i.e. stability, loyalty, riliability, etc and then don't accept anything less.

OP you should feel better soon I think, you've just got rid of 12 stone (guessing:D) of dead weight. Your life will be easier and I'm sure much more fun.

Best of luck.

mathproblem

Feckin hell, \i wish i could find a woman to give me morning blow jobs and pay for me to be a surfer dude or whatever his hobby is..

If you feel there is enough invested there you could give him one serious ultimatum that involves maybe counselling, a change of attitude and an more equal share of what is contributed to the relationship. Or you could end it now. Either way i can't see how you can go on as you are too much longer.

nkay1985

Hi OP. I think you've given him plenty of chanes to make the changes you feel are necessary for the relationship. He seems to be incredibly selfish. I cannot get my head round the fact that he'd rather be away from you just because of some hobby than with you, the woman he's supposed to love.

It appears that he has been using you for sex and financial support. This obviously hasn't always been true but it's been going on for three years now. Think about that. Three years he's been treating you like this.

I know you feel at fault too and are trying to justify his behaviour but you're not the problem here. You have certain expectations of your husband (earn a decent wage, live together etc), none of which are off the wall. In fact they're about the most basic thing most if us would want from our partner! He's not meeting them. You've discussed this problem and he hasn't made a change.

It's going to be really tough to end it. Really, really tough. But I hope you'll do it for yourself. You're still young. But imagine you give it another three years before eventually pulling the plug. Or, worse still, you end up pregnant with his baby and a child has to grow up in what will be a loveless marriage or with the two of you split up. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself in the right frame of mind for a real separation and start again. You seem like a nice girl and I've no doubt you'll find someone who deserves you.

And if you're ever feeling a bit low, there are always people online here, any time of the day or night. You could set up an account specifically for posting here and you won't have to wait for your comments to be pre-moderated then.

Best of luck.