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Marriage is over??

  • 20-11-2011 12:12pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'll try to keep this short even though it's a long story.

    I'm 28 and have been married for almost 3 years. My marriage is in a mess and it looks like it's over.

    Basically we lived together when we were going out. During our engagement my now husband lost his job where we were living and we ended up living apart as he pretty much moved to the over side of the country, not to work but because he could do his hobby there. He would come back to stay with me a couple of nights a week but never attempted to get a job where we lived. Looking back I can see that this was the start of all our problems but at the time I didn't say much as I didn't want to be the nagging fiance. I used to miss him alot then and would tell him as much on the phone every night.

    He ended up getting part time, seasonal work related to this hobby. To bo honest I always resented the fact that he never actually looked for a "Proper" job and he just fell into this part time work by accident as it is to do with his hobby. Anyway fast forward over three years and that is still the situation. His work is really only in the Summer and he spends alot of time just hanging around. He expects me to pay for everything as I earn much more. I pay for cars he buys (always heaps of junk that end up costing a fortune in repairs) and all our trips and holidays.To be honest I resent this as I work hard and he has never once looked for real work.

    Throughout this time I basically withdrew from the relationship in that I lost interest in sex. For me being loved and feeling looked after is the main turn on and it was always me looking after him so I lost interest in sex. This caused huge problems as sex is very important to him (more important than anything else I think).

    To top it all off I often don't believe things he says anymore. I don't think he has cheated but I feel that in other ways he is just acting like he is single, he recently seems to be drinking more than usual, he hangs around with others a good bit younger than him and I think he now does soft drugs (hash, mushrooms etc.) although he denied this when I asked him. I feel like I don't know him anymore.

    Yesterday he went mental with me because he asked me to "go upstairs" during the day and I said not now (I had already given him a BJ yesterday morning). He barely spoke to me all day and left to go back to where he stays without saying good bye.

    It seems that we're over and in my heart I think it's the right thing to do but I'm scared. I think if I knew I would meet someone else I would be ok but I'm terrified that I won't. I've been with him since I was 18. I don't know what to do. I really wanted a home and children and I have always worked hard and saved hard with that in mind. I feel so low.

    Can anyone offer me any advice?

    Thanks


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,361 ✭✭✭Boskowski


    When your husbandf regards sex as some sort of service he's 'entitled' to rather than something 2 people do out of love to each other he's emotionally not on the same level. He seems very comfortable in his laddish arrangement and most girls I know would probably say he needs a good kick up the a... or worse. It sounds like he's using you.


  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    I am of the opinion that you cant be a lover and a mother to a man at the same time. One or the other wins.

    I came to the conclusion when I once had a boyfriend who I had to do everything in the relationship, from paying for nights out or weekends away, to being responsible for the bills and budgeting. I found that any romantic feelings I had evaporated when it began to feel like I was minding a selfish toddler.

    As long as you are financially supporting him, he is clearly happy to let you, so that wont change. As for ordering you upstairs? I'm glad you said no.

    You are 28. What happens if you decide you want children? who supports you then? what if you are sick and a child needs looking after. He sounds like he would not be bothered to figure out how a nappy goes on.

    You are only 28. Leave this waster to his single life, and get on with your own. Of course you will meet someone else. I met the love of my life at nearly 30 and 6 years later we are having our first child and I can face this change in my life knowing that he will be parenting it every step of the way with me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 666 ✭✭✭A0


    Your husband is disrespectful and has no pride. If you don't have kids, dump him ASAP, you will definitely find someone better.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the reply. Maybe I'm just clinging onto the relationship and I see your point about him using me but in a way I don't think he's intentionally using me. We have argued and spoke about the issues time and time again. He thinks that if I was really attracted to him I would be turned on and want to have sex even if we weren't getting on in other ways. I don't share this view, I know myself and I know that if I felt he was working hard for me and us and our future and if I felt cared for and looked after I would really admire him and that would be a turn on for me. I suppose our views on sex are incompatible.

    There were times when he tried, or at least he thought he was trying but this consisted of texts saying "I hope you're ok" etc. after I told him I wished he'd look after me more. At these times I just felt he was ticking things off a list so that I'd get into bed with him.

    I'm so upset, I suppose we got together too young and looking back at times when we nearly broke up I wish we had.

    I really wanted a family and I'm terrified now that I won't have that. I always wanted to have children relatively young. I don't know what to do. I kind of drifted from friends I had when I met my now husband and any time I went out socially was connected to him. I'm so so down and worried


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 574 ✭✭✭kate.m


    This kind of sounds like my parents (mainly in regards to how your husband is using you for your income anyway...)

    You have to confront him. Why are you paying for everything and Does he think that's fair? Why should you fund his nights out and drug habits?

    I feel bad for your situation as I'm sure you're emotionally involved but unless he decides to change, you wont be happy.

    He's going to be happy to live off you. You're supporting his easy lifestyle.

    Sorry if it sounds harsh.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks so much for your replies. Just to make one thing clear - he is on jobseekers benefit at times when he doesn't have the seasonal work. So I don't actually pay for his day to day expenses. But if we go for dinner or go away I generally pay for most if not all of the cost. The last few vehicles he bought I paid for. In fairness though, he would have got a loan for these but I said I'd pay as I didn't want to see him in debt. I just wanted to make that clear.

    When I talk to him about looking for work he just gets all defensive and says it's easy for me to say that as I have a job and he then often goes on to say all I care about is money. I come from a poor family so I suppose I have always worked hard and saved as much as I can as I don't want to have a future like my parents had.

    He also said a couple of times that I'm selfish as I think he would prefer to emigrate but I would find it very hard to give up the job I have here as it's fairly stable and well paid and I would worry that if we went abroad and it didn't work out I would have nothing when we came back and as I'm the only one working what would we do then? He seems to think that a job will just land in his lap if he emigrated. But he hasn't once looked for work in Ireland! If he had exhausted every possible avenue of getting work here I could see his logic in emigrating.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    What does he actually contribute to the marraige?

    Financial support? no.
    Emotional support? Doesnt sound like it.
    Companionship? Not if he lives apart from you.
    Trust? Youve said you dont believe things he says anymore.
    Love?
    Respect?
    Communication?

    What do you actually get out of this marraige besides a feeling of frustration and hurt?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks again for the replies, my posts are taking ages to be uploaded so apologies if it seems I am replying to earlier posts.

    Based on my second and third posts does anyone think there's any hope? I'm probably deluding myself, I've always been the type to blame myself for things, does anyone think he's right - that if I really fancied him I'd always be up for sex even if we weren't getting on? He thinks it's rubbish when I tell him I need to feel loved and cared for to be turned on.......


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 666 ✭✭✭A0


    If he (and you) wants to save the marriage, he should look for part-time jobs (cleaner, shop assistant, cashier, etc.) in the area you are living in. These don't require high qualifications and specific skills but will, at least, help in the budget... Re-reading your OP, it sounds like a friend with benefits situation more than a married couple one. I have worked in different countries, I know it sounds obvious but: only move if you are both sure to have a job or at least one of you with a permanent contract, so it gives to the other one a bit of slack to find a job...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Thanks again for the replies, my posts are taking ages to be uploaded so apologies if it seems I am replying to earlier posts.

    Unregistered posts must be manually approved by a moderator so can take some time to show on-thread. :cool:


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I just don't know what to do for the best. I think that I am probably better off without him and asap so that I can start getting on with my life and hopefully getting into a position where it will be possible to meet someone else. I am so scared of being alone though. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I don't know him anymore, I am so sad. He thinks that all our problems are my fault because I don't want to have sex all the time. Part of me feels that he would be happy to continue as we are, living apart, if I was all over him sexually every weekend. He seems to have no ambition or pride or desire to provide for us.

    Other times I think I should just act and pretend I am into him and take him to bed all the time, just to keep him happy and then life would be easier


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    He thinks that all our problems are my fault because I don't want to have sex all the time.

    PLease keep reading this and decide if this is the person you want to be tied to for the next 50 years....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    I just don't know what to do for the best. I think that I am probably better off without him and asap so that I can start getting on with my life and hopefully getting into a position where it will be possible to meet someone else. I am so scared of being alone though. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I don't know him anymore, I am so sad. He thinks that all our problems are my fault because I don't want to have sex all the time. Part of me feels that he would be happy to continue as we are, living apart, if I was all over him sexually every weekend. He seems to have no ambition or pride or desire to provide for us.

    Other times I think I should just act and pretend I am into him and take him to bed all the time, just to keep him happy and then life would be easier

    No. DON'T take him to bed just to make life easier. DON'T continue to bankroll him. STOP babying him. You already resent him (with reason). If you did this, you'll end up hating yourself as well as him. What would he do if the JSA ran out? He'll have to get off his arse and look for work then...

    Would you be able to arrange counselling for yourself? Just to give some clarity to your thoughts.

    I hope you can find a way of out this.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 965 ✭✭✭johnr1


    Hi OP,

    The sex bit wouldn't worry me so much at all. It's quite normal for a woman, or man, but more usually a woman, to lose interest in sex in a relationship which isn't right in other ways.

    The huge problem here is that your husband is living apart from you BY CHOICE.
    I can only think of a couple of situations in which a marriage can last with the partners living apart, and all are short term, necessary, and with the long term goal of being together with work towards that end being done.

    Your husband isn't in England or somewhere else trying to support a family, he's not looking after a sick relative, and he's not in college getting an education towards a better job.
    Instead he's over the other side of the country dossing as sunflower correctly put it, and in my opinion avoiding the fact that he's actually married at all.

    For the love of God No - yourself, dump this loser and start living your life. We only get one, and do you want to look back in ten years wondering why you wasted your best years on a manchild with serious issues.

    There is life after a failed marriage, and it's far better than the life beforehand. Trust me, I know this.

    Best of luck.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 201 ✭✭nowyouresix


    OP: you're only 28. My advice is to separate. Imagine if you ended up having a child with this man, not only would you be the mother, the breadwinner, you'd have 2 kids to look after... you'd end up resenting him even more! Right now, since you're the main breadwinner, I'm guessing he's not feeling very "manly" as it were, hence the faffing about over the other side of the country, with his hobby.
    You are his wife, not his mother.
    You are young and can start again with a clean sheet, no kids, no baggage....I'd say go for it.
    Cut your losses, and get out.
    Sorry if you think that's harsh, but if you are feeling resentment towards him already, after three years, then, by the time you get to ten years, you'll hate his guts, perhaps have kids, and a lifetime of misery in front of you. I have a sneaking suspicion that you have already made up your mind to separate anyway ??

    Best of luck.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,813 ✭✭✭themadchef


    johnr1 wrote: »

    There is life after a failed marriage, and it's far better than the life beforehand. Trust me, I know this.

    Best of luck.


    This.

    You need to love yourself enough to leave him though. Do you?

    Never ask if there is someone out there to love you, if you dont love yourself.

    Go for it ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    I think that I am probably better off without him and asap so that I can start getting on with my life and hopefully getting into a position where it will be possible to meet someone else.

    I wouldnt even be worrying about meeting someone else yet, you need to be happy just being you, without a relationship - if you love you, you will project that and will not accept another fool who doesnt love you.
    I am so scared of being alone though.

    You know what? The fear of being alone is a million times worse than the actuality of being alone. Its nice to get to know yourself without some loser dragging you down!
    I just don't know what to do. I feel like I don't know him anymore, I am so sad. He thinks that all our problems are my fault because I don't want to have sex all the time. Part of me feels that he would be happy to continue as we are, living apart, if I was all over him sexually every weekend. He seems to have no ambition or pride or desire to provide for us.

    No, you do know him, you just dont want to accept what that knowledge entails - that he is a using, lazy, self indulgent git who expects sex on tap from you in return for being a waster. He must think he has a penis made of solid gold that gives endless orgasms!
    Other times I think I should just act and pretend I am into him and take him to bed all the time, just to keep him happy and then life would be easier

    Thatd make life easier alright - for him!

    He is treating you and his marriage with dreadful disrespect!!! Leave him. Please leave him and get your self respect back.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I really appreciate all the replies.
    I will try to organise counselling, I had an appointment made a couple of months ago as I was feeling very low and as if I didn't want to go on. But I ended up cancelling the appointment. Around that time I was feeling like I didn't want to be around any more. I actually told my husband that at the time and he went mad and said I was selfish and told me to sort myself out before contacting him again! I turned to my mother for support and the difference between the things she said to me and what he said was unbelievable.

    I am abit worried that I am making myself out to be perfect in these posts. I'm not. When we argue lately I curse and shout alot at him. I hate that I have turned into that kind of person. Also, I suppose I get onto him alot about looking for work and he says this is nagging and that I'm only interested in money. I know that I have also started putting him down alot because deep down I feel that he has turned into a waster. I hate even typing that. I just want to make sure I'm not just telling the story from my side.

    I tried to tell him lately that I feel I would be turned on more if he worked hard and I admired him but he told me I'd want to be electrocuted to be turned on.

    Is there anyone reading this that thinks he is even the slightest bit right to say that I should be more into sex with him? He says that I use it as a weapon against him. He says sometimes that I'd be better off with someone who never wants to do it. But hes doesn't know me at all. I would regard myself as a fairly sexual person and would love to have a healthy and active sex life, I really believe if I was with a man who looked after me I would enjoy sex with him.

    I suppose it's only now I realise that I am fairly traditional and I see a husband as someone who works hard and wants to provide for his wife and family. In our relationship I do that role.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 233 ✭✭Flashgordon197


    Be honest with him but dont be too quick to walk away from a marriage. Be direct. Make him face reality. Ask him to change. Provide support for this change. What attracted you to him initially.? If you separate you could end up supporting him financially plus it will mess with your head.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,299 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    This isn't the husband you want and deserve, is he really the father you want for your children? Is he going to be a good role model for them?

    Before you decide to end it, suggest to him that you go to couple counselling together. If he refuses, then maybe you have your answer. But if he agrees to it who knows what might come out of it. Don't throw it away until you BOTH, TOGETHER have exhausted all avenues to making things work. You have a lot of history together, do yourself a favour and be 100% sure that a future without him is what you want.

    And for the record, there is life after a failed marriage. I'm one success story, and I have five years on you ;)


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,779 ✭✭✭up for anything


    He barely spoke to me all day and left to go back to where he stays without saying good bye.

    He is still staying away to do his hobby even though you are married now? That seems completely wrong. It is easy enough in a marriage to grow apart when you are living under the same roof, let alone at the other side of the country.

    You've given him all the emotional and financial support while he gives you none. Who is there to listen to you and pat your back when you get back from a long, hard day at work? There is no need for you to be living apart, even if he doesn't get another 'proper' job until the Summer when his hobby job starts up again.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    In fairness, the OP has been saying to him for YEARS she is unhappy and misses him and he has not even tried to find a job near her. What else is there to say? It is all falling on deaf ears. He doesn't want to change his lifestyle.

    He sounds incredibly immature and doesn't seem to have a clue about what being in a marriage is about :(

    Could I see a partner upset and know I have the power to try and change it and do nothing - definitely not. It's just not good enough.

    Thing is; the OP is enabling all this to a certain extent. He is definitely far far more in the wrong of course.

    OP if I were you I'd give an ultimatum - he gets a real job close to you and makes his hobby part time.

    What I meant by enabling is he has gotten used to you paying for nice things like meals and going away. You were really taking the piss buying that car.

    I strongly suspect he knew you would pay it on the threat of him getting a loan. What planet is this man on? He doesn't have money for going out or trips away but claims he is willing to get a loan to buy a crappy car?

    The only reason I think you should give him a last chance is you have been going along with his nonsensical life and supporting it. Tell him this won't be happening and if he doesn't meet you halfway its divorce time. If he promises to change make sure to hold him to his promises and do not let him fall into his old routine. If he does then you are better moving on.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    and just on the sex thing. I completely understand. Being intimate with someone you love when you're hopeless and angry at them is horrible and i suspect even harrowing/damaging.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Is there anyone reading this that thinks he is even the slightest bit right to say that I should be more into sex with him? He says that I use it as a weapon against him. He says sometimes that I'd be better off with someone who never wants to do it. But hes doesn't know me at all. I would regard myself as a fairly sexual person and would love to have a healthy and active sex life, I really believe if I was with a man who looked after me I would enjoy sex with him.

    Well I dont think he is the slightest bit right. I suppose in his denial world he has NOTHING that stands in defence of his behaviour so he tries to put it on you by attacking you for not being interested in sex or for nagging him to get a job.

    What he is failing to realise is that he is in fact the cause of the above. If he was looking for a job or had a job and was being a responsible equal member of the relationship then you would be more interested in him sexually and you wouldnt have to nag him to get a job!

    But its easier to blame you because when you can blame the other person you dont have to admit to your own faults and address them.

    As other posters have said - you ARE enabling his behaviour.

    I doubt you are perfect either btw, there are always 2 sides to every story and what you are saying about putting him down and arguing sounds par for the course given the situation - but no one is perfect. But what you are describing, you are effectively bankrolling someone elses bad behaviour and dont seem to be getting anything in return except demands for sex.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks so much for posting.

    Since he left on Saturday evening I haven't seen him, he went back to where he "lives". I rang him a couple of times Saturday night, first time he was on his way there (driving) and said that he had been drinking before he left, I don't think he ever did this before. So I rang him again later that night to see if he got there ok and there was no answer. I rang him Sunday morning and he didn't answer for ages, eventually he did and we just spoke for a minute.

    I texted him last night aksing him if he still thinks it's my fault that we're breaking up and he texted back saying he didn't know but that he didn't think he'd ever be happy with me.

    I texted him back saying that I didn't deserve to be treated badly just because I don't run into bed the second he asks me and that he didn't even bother looking for a job where I live once in the last three years. He didn't reply. I know I was probably foolish to even bother contacting him. I'm not going to contact him again.

    I'm devastated and so upset.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    I've been reading down through what you wrote. For a man who's astoundingly self-centred, he's very quick to accuse you of being selfish. You also appear to be in the wrong according to himself.
    Yesterday he went mental with me because he asked me to "go upstairs" during the day and I said not now ..He barely spoke to me all day and left to go back to where he stays without saying good bye.
    When I talk to him about looking for work he just gets all defensive and says it's easy for me to say that as I have a job and he then often goes on to say all I care about is money.
    He also said a couple of times that I'm selfish as I think he would prefer to emigrate ...
    He thinks it's rubbish when I tell him I need to feel loved and cared for to be turned on.......
    (Re counselling) I actually told my husband that at the time and he went mad and said I was selfish and told me to sort myself out before contacting him again
    I tried to tell him lately that I feel I would be turned on more if he worked hard and I admired him but he told me I'd want to be electrocuted to be turned on.

    Obviously I'm not in your marriage and I don't know either of you from Adam but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Whether you choose to walk from the marriage or not is a decision you're going to have to make. Whatever you do, please don't have any kids or emigrate before you sort what way you're going to go. You are only 28 years of age and there is still plenty of time for you to start again should you choose to split.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You're well rid of him.

    I'm not sure if you've ever had another relationship but this is not what a marriage/relationship is about. It was a total farce I'm afraid.

    I would seek counselling OP for yourself. The reason being you need to look into why you accepted being used in such a way for such a long time. You let yourself be used as a meal ticket.

    That's not how normal relationships are. Really. He is a waster and was dragging you down, you are worth so much more.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Hey OP,

    First of all *Big Hug*, the ending of a marraige is never easy, even when it's a marraige to a useless lump of a man. With regards to the sex, no I never ever have sex with my bf if I'm fighting with him, how in the name of god could you possibly think it would feel nice to have someone you're angry at INSIDE YOU?!?!? So yeah OP, I doubt any woman enjoys sex with a partner they're angry with. (make up sex is different though, you're not still angry during that)

    I know you're upset, as anyone would be but I think you'll get over it fairly quickly, it's seems it's been building for literally years so you're probably already emotionally gone from the relationship, it'll just take a while for your brain to catch up. Just to tell you what you already know: 1) he wasn't good enough for you by fair 2) he was a total waster loser 3) you're hardworking, reliable. So here's the truth OP, get out dating again and I'm sure you'll be whipped up in no time. Just have some standards next time for god's sakes. Figure you what you expect from your partner, i.e. stability, loyalty, riliability, etc and then don't accept anything less.

    OP you should feel better soon I think, you've just got rid of 12 stone (guessing:D) of dead weight. Your life will be easier and I'm sure much more fun.

    Best of luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 455 ✭✭mathproblem


    Feckin hell, \i wish i could find a woman to give me morning blow jobs and pay for me to be a surfer dude or whatever his hobby is..

    If you feel there is enough invested there you could give him one serious ultimatum that involves maybe counselling, a change of attitude and an more equal share of what is contributed to the relationship. Or you could end it now. Either way i can't see how you can go on as you are too much longer.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,975 ✭✭✭nkay1985


    Hi OP. I think you've given him plenty of chanes to make the changes you feel are necessary for the relationship. He seems to be incredibly selfish. I cannot get my head round the fact that he'd rather be away from you just because of some hobby than with you, the woman he's supposed to love.

    It appears that he has been using you for sex and financial support. This obviously hasn't always been true but it's been going on for three years now. Think about that. Three years he's been treating you like this.

    I know you feel at fault too and are trying to justify his behaviour but you're not the problem here. You have certain expectations of your husband (earn a decent wage, live together etc), none of which are off the wall. In fact they're about the most basic thing most if us would want from our partner! He's not meeting them. You've discussed this problem and he hasn't made a change.

    It's going to be really tough to end it. Really, really tough. But I hope you'll do it for yourself. You're still young. But imagine you give it another three years before eventually pulling the plug. Or, worse still, you end up pregnant with his baby and a child has to grow up in what will be a loveless marriage or with the two of you split up. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself in the right frame of mind for a real separation and start again. You seem like a nice girl and I've no doubt you'll find someone who deserves you.

    And if you're ever feeling a bit low, there are always people online here, any time of the day or night. You could set up an account specifically for posting here and you won't have to wait for your comments to be pre-moderated then.

    Best of luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks so much for all your replies.
    I have still heard nothing from him.
    Keep thinking about things and all the things he said to me and I keep crying.

    I don't really have anyone to talk to - I talk to my mother and sister about things but wouldn't feel comfortable talking to him about this as the main reason (In his head) we're in such a mess is because I am not coming onto him sexually enough. I can't really bring myself to tell them that!

    He often says that he wishes I'd put on sexy underwear for him and "make more of an effort". I used to put on thongs etc. but haven't in last couple of years.

    I will try and book counselling.

    I foolishly drifted apart from most of my friends, I have friends but not a group of friends i.e. they don't know each other. In a way I don't want to talk about it as I feel ashamed in a way and like a failure.

    I always thought I'd be at least pregnant by now, I really feel ready for a baby, all I ever wanted was a happy marriage, a nice home and children.

    He worked in construction before he lost his job while we were engaged and the "plan" was that he'd do most of the work on building our house. I'm from a farm and have a site from it. I got planning permission and everything, but he didn't show any interest when I was doing this, I did it all by myself. Even when we'd drive by the site every weekend he's never look in at it or mention it.

    I was thinking this morning about how things were between us even when things were "ok", i.e. we lived together. I looked after all bills and issues to do with rent, if we ever went on holiday I'd organise it all, even if we went for dinner I'd always book it. I often said this to him but his answer was that I'm better at all that stuff!!!

    He forgot my birthday for the last few years too. Before that he used to get me presents and a card. This year when he forgot it I didn't tell him until the next day as I was upset and his first reaction was to tell me that it was like i set a trap and that I was delighted he forgot. He said I was spoilt and throwing a hissy fit. In fairness though when he cooled down he did say sorry and he sent me flowers in work that week.

    I'm just so messed up and can't think straight.

    What if we spilt up and I end up alone, or else with someone worse than him.

    I don't think it's my choice anymore anyway, I don't think he cares anymore. He seems to hate me because of the sex issue, he says he feels unwanted.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    What if we spilt up and I end up alone, or else with someone worse than him.

    Is being alone really so bad? Stop looking at it as being alone and realise it means having the space and freedom to get your self-esteem back and meet other people. You can only end up with someone like him or worse than him if you let it. You really need to see that you are responsible for yourself and your own happiness - even within a relationship. You are responsible for ensuring there are boundaries in terms of what makes you feel safe and loved and in a worthwhile relationship and ensuring those boundaries are respected is up to you.

    Write a list of all the things you want out of life, what kind of relationship you want to have, what kind of person you see yourself as and how you think life should be in 20 years time - then write down the reality and compare. You owe it to yourself to have a fulfilled life where your self-esteem isn't constantly taking a battering. I think you really need to attend some kind of counselling to establish why you are prepared to accept so little for so long and start to rebuild your self-worth....then you have to decide if this is a relationship worth fighting for and either attend some form of marriage counselling to thrash out the issues and establish those boundaries or walk away.

    All the very best, OP.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend



    What if we spilt up and I end up alone

    You are alone....

    You dont have a partner, you have a leech who is just fleecing you for whatever he can get... Look at what you have said in your last post:
    1. He blames you for not coming on to him.
    2. He has no interest in building a home for you despite the fact he has the skills and time to do so.
    3. You pay all the bills.
    4. You organise all the dates ye had.
    5. He forgets your birthday.
    6. He manipulates you into feeling bad for him forgetting your birthday.
    7. He chooses to live away from you.
    Which of the above shows that you are in a partnership or part of a couple??? None of it. You are already alone and lonely in your relationship so why not just formalise it and open up your life to meeting someone you can share it with.

    OP, you can do so much better....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    The problems in this marriage run much deeper than sex. That is just the stick he's using to beat you with. He sounds incredibly cruel to be honest. All these things he has said to you.

    Please talk to someone. Your self esteem is on the floor. Bring on your own isn't the horrible hell you perceive it to be, you know. Is it really preferable to bring married to a man who has no regard for your feelings, derides you, tells you that you're selfish and blames a lot on your sex life.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 124 ✭✭Smashhits


    I looked after all bills and issues to do with rent, if we ever went on holiday I'd organise it all, even if we went for dinner I'd always book it. I often said this to him but his answer was that I'm better at all that stuff!!!

    This reminds me of my ex OP. It was always easier/better if I did everything but I got it all thrown back in my face later. I really feel for you OP I do. I know how you're feeling at the moment after splitting with my ex not long ago. You're young, independent and have no ties ie kids. You're luckier than a lot of people in your situation.

    The only advice I'd give you is to talk to a counsellor and inform yourself on the legalities of separation if that's the route you decide. It's easy to marry not so to separate.

    I'm 10 years older than you OP and I know i'm still young enough to meet someone else and be happy. I deserve it so do you.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    I don't think it's my choice anymore anyway, I don't think he cares anymore. He seems to hate me because of the sex issue, he says he feels unwanted.
    I don't really have anyone to talk to - I talk to my mother and sister about things but wouldn't feel comfortable talking to him about this as the main reason (In his head) we're in such a mess is because I am not coming onto him sexually enough. I can't really bring myself to tell them that!

    You really need some support here and you can talk to your mother and sister without going into gory details! He has you convinced that the only problem is the sex part. That may be HIS only problem but it's only a tiny part of what anyone could see is wrong with this relationship.

    Talk to your friends/family about the other aspects that have gone wrong in the relationship and please don't fall for his cráp about sex being the only problem. You know that there's a hell of a lot more wrong here.
    I always thought I'd be at least pregnant by now, I really feel ready for a baby, all I ever wanted was a happy marriage, a nice home and children.

    He worked in construction before he lost his job while we were engaged and the "plan" was that he'd do most of the work on building our house. I'm from a farm and have a site from it. I got planning permission and everything, but he didn't show any interest when I was doing this, I did it all by myself. Even when we'd drive by the site every weekend he's never look in at it or mention it.

    Honestly, I'm more concerned that you will get pregnant by this man and then end up alone!
    What if we spilt up and I end up alone, or else with someone worse than him.

    As I-am-a-friend said, effectively you are alone. And at the very least credit yourself with the ability to learn from this experience so you can avoid it happening again.

    Don't "try" to book counselling, do it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    You are alone....

    You dont have a partner, you have a leech who is just fleecing you for whatever he can get...

    OP, the above post is bang on the money. You are utterly alone in this relationship. He is not a partner or a husband. He's a pathetic overgrown child.

    Your focus on the sex issue is obviously down to him blaming that and solely that for the state your marriage is in. For him the lack of sex is the cause, for everyone else with even half a brain its a symptom. By using sex as an excuse he gets to put all the blame for your failing marriage on you. This way he doesn't need to acknowledge his crappy behaviour or make any attempt to improve things. Instead this is down to you not spreading your legs every time he clicks his fingers. He is treating you appalling hun. I don't see how, after 3 years of marriage and numerous attempts by you to tackle the problems, there could be any way for this to get better.

    You need to stop thinking of yourself as being too old to start again. You're 28 not 90! (As an aside, my grandfather remarried at 76 :p) The end of this relationship does not mean you are destined to be a lonely old spinster in a house full of cats. You just need to spend some time getting to know yourself again, reconnect with your friends if you can and make some new ones. When you rebuild your self-esteem you'll be in a better position to meet someone who deserves you.

    I know you've had your life planned out with this bloke but things don't always go as planned. Do you really want to add 'single parent' to that list I am a Friend posted, because I can guarantee you, if you decide to have a baby with this man you will be raising that child alone, regardless of whether or not you're still together. Please, please, please don't go down the road of "when we have a baby things will get better." They won't. All you will have done is bring an innocent child into this clusterfúck of a relationship. Nobody deserves that!

    Please talk to your friends OP. He's focusing on the sex but you know in your heart that is not the issue here. You can talk to your mam or your friends without focusing on the sex, because there are so many other issues at play. If he wants to pin all this on lack of sex then leave him to it. It just further shows what an immature, spoiled brat he is and how little regard he has for your happiness and for his marriage.

    Please leave OP. This is not going to change. You haven't failed and have nothing to be ashamed of. You gave it your best shot and it takes two people to have a successful marriage.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 28 surdah


    Op, I was in a similar situation to you except with kids involved and I would advise you to get out now when you are still young and childless. I too was the one who worked and paid for everything while he had time to indulge in his hobbies and his main complaint with me was also not enough sex. I heard all the excuses about how and why he couldn't get a job and of course heard the line about it being so easy for me etc. I used to believe his crap and think that I was to blame for everything that was wrong with the relationship but now I know that I did nothing wrong. Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did but also the best thing I could have done. I honestly felt like I had been in prison and now I am free. I went to councilling at a local women's centre and they were amazing there and really helped me to rebuild my self esteem and realise that I was not to blame and had been the victem of phychological abuse. Believe me when I say that there is life after separation and you are still really young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please stay strong.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks again for the replies.

    I'm tired and worn out thinking about it all. Have still heard nothing from him. He mustn't give a damn at all. It is our third wedding anniversary next Tuesday. This New Years Eve we would have been together 10 years. I feel like I've wasted all that time and ruined my life. Can't believe how stupid I have been.

    On a practical level - What should I do in terms of Christmas and going places and on holidays? Our families live in the same area and I feel like I don't want to be sitting at home with my family for Christmas because normally we would have been together over that time. Also, I had been planning on going to a few things - concerts, events etc. between now and Christmas and I suppose I would have been going with him. I also had planned to go away for a 2-3 week holiday to the USA in April. I don't really have friends I could go on this holidays with - they are all in couples or away themselves etc. Should I just forget about it, or go on my own?

    Should I contact him and if so when and what should I say?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    I feel like I've wasted all that time and ruined my life.

    You have wasted time but you are only 28 so how could your life be ruined??? Its only starting and the best way to live it is by not falling into the same trap again.
    Can't believe how stupid I have been.

    You havent been stupid, you were in love... It would be stupid, now that you know how dysfunctional the relationship is, to stay with him and to waste more time in a relationship like this.
    On a practical level - What should I do in terms of Christmas and going places and on holidays?

    You dont think too far ahead. can you head off on holidays over xmas yourself. Maybe as part of a group e.g. trekking in Thailand or something like that. Xmas isnt shoved in your face all over the world as much as it is here so maybe its time to head off yourself for a couple of weeks and it would solve a couple of problems.
    Our families live in the same area and I feel like I don't want to be sitting at home with my family for Christmas because normally we would have been together over that time.

    With him sponging off everyone..... see above..
    Also, I had been planning on going to a few things - concerts, events etc. between now and Christmas and I suppose I would have been going with him.

    Go to them. Ask a friend to go or go alone... Sounds like me you are making excuses to yourself for staying with him?!?!?!?!?
    I also had planned to go away for a 2-3 week holiday to the USA in April.

    Go and maybe check out solo travel websites where you can find someone to go with you or you could join a group.
    I don't really have friends I could go on this holidays with - they are all in couples or away themselves etc. Should I just forget about it, or go on my own?

    Go on your own.
    Should I contact him and if so when and what should I say?

    No you shouldnt!!! What is there to say? Settle yourself and when he next contacts you, tell him you are separating and will be meeting a solicitor to formalise it. Be wary that this guy, being the parasite he is, may look for you to support him. He will also undoubtedly look for half of your assets, even the site so get in touch with a solicitor asap to protect your position.

    Good luck and mind yourself - I know this is not easy but you would not have an easy life with him anyway.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Around that time I was feeling like I didn't want to be around any more. I actually told my husband that at the time and he went mad and said I was selfish and told me to sort myself out before contacting him again! I turned to my mother for support and the difference between the things she said to me and what he said was unbelievable.

    My jaw dropped when I saw this! You told your husband you 'don't want to be around anymore', and his immediate response was 'you're selfish'! This response ALONE shows the amount of psychological torture you're under from this 'man'. If a mere acquaintance said the same thing about 'not wanting to be around' to me at work, I would be worried for them, I wouldn't tell them they're selfish!

    You say you're worried about spending Christmas at home. You can't see it yet (maybe you'll see it soon) but I can guarantee that your mother is worried sick about you and probably has been ever since you met your husband ten years ago. No-one who cares about you will judge you for separating from your husband. You've unintentionally boxed yourself in, you want to be seen as independent and grown up, that you can handle your own problems etc. Some problems are just too big unfortunately, and you really need to let yourself reach out to others. It's not weak, or juvenile, or pathetic. You are in dire need of help, and from what you said about your mother, she'll definitely be there for you. She's been waiting for a sign from you all along that you want her to step in to help you. Give her that sign.

    Best of luck to you


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 582 ✭✭✭emmabrighton


    I really appreciate all the replies.
    I will try to organise counselling, I had an appointment made a couple of months ago as I was feeling very low and as if I didn't want to go on. But I ended up cancelling the appointment. Around that time I was feeling like I didn't want to be around any more. I actually told my husband that at the time and he went mad and said I was selfish and told me to sort myself out before contacting him again! I turned to my mother for support and the difference between the things she said to me and what he said was unbelievable.

    I am abit worried that I am making myself out to be perfect in these posts. I'm not. When we argue lately I curse and shout alot at him. I hate that I have turned into that kind of person. Also, I suppose I get onto him alot about looking for work and he says this is nagging and that I'm only interested in money. I know that I have also started putting him down alot because deep down I feel that he has turned into a waster. I hate even typing that. I just want to make sure I'm not just telling the story from my side.

    I tried to tell him lately that I feel I would be turned on more if he worked hard and I admired him but he told me I'd want to be electrocuted to be turned on.

    Is there anyone reading this that thinks he is even the slightest bit right to say that I should be more into sex with him? He says that I use it as a weapon against him. He says sometimes that I'd be better off with someone who never wants to do it. But hes doesn't know me at all. I would regard myself as a fairly sexual person and would love to have a healthy and active sex life, I really believe if I was with a man who looked after me I would enjoy sex with him.

    I suppose it's only now I realise that I am fairly traditional and I see a husband as someone who works hard and wants to provide for his wife and family. In our relationship I do that role.

    Hi op, im in a similar situation myself. I had to move for my job. I only get home on the weekends. My hubbie has not worked in nearly two years, wont go on jobseekers because its demeaning. But is happy to let me sink in debt because i have to pay for everything. He only applied for one job because it was the only one that suited his ambitions. Needless to say he didnt get it.

    Cant offer any advice but i understand your frustration. I too am quite traditional in my outlook. I hope you make the right decision for you and definately fo to a councellor. The will help you sort through your fears of being alone.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi again

    Really appreciate everyone taking the time to post.

    Still nothing from him.

    I almost feel like I hate him but this still all hurts.

    The more I think about it the more I see how he has just being acting like he is single. He has a facebook page but there is not one thing on it to even suggest he is married! I am mentioned no where on it and he never puts up any photos of me. To look at it you would think he is single.

    I think he will not text or phone me again. I won't be contacting him again.

    Just trying to take one thing at a time and decide what to do for Christmas first.

    I wish I had more sense years ago and not wasted my time and energy on him.

    It seems that he is just inherently selfish.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, from reading your posts, it seems the real issue here is that your husband is jealous of you and resents you, and possibly always has done so. It sounds like you are the smarter, more successful one, you are the the one who owns the site etc. Some men can find this difficult to handle as it affects their masculinity.Now, due to the recession, a lot of men have found themselves in a situation where their wife/partner has become the sole earner in the household, but if a healthy relationship existed prior to the loss of a job, it can be easier to adapt to a change in dynamics. With your husband, the loss of his job, and you still in employment was probably the tipping point. The one area where he probably felt he could or should have been able to wield some power and address the imbalance was through sex but understandably, you weren't forthcoming and that compounded the disrespect he felt for you.

    I think what's interesting is that your main concern is will you be able to meet someone else. This means that, unknown to yourself, you have already grieved the end of your marriage, and your focus has now moved to the next phase of looking towards the future without him. So when you do finally pull the plug, you will be able to look towards the future with courage, strength and clarity. You will need this for sorting out the practicalities and the legal proceess. Absolutuely, do go travelling at Christmas. Travelling gives us great perspective and forces us to focus outwards. Start now putting your energy into planning a trip somewhere and when you return, you can face what you need to do.

    I wish you the very best of luck and future happiness


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,364 ✭✭✭washiskin


    Thanks again for the replies.

    I'm tired and worn out thinking about it all. Have still heard nothing from him. He mustn't give a damn at all. It is our third wedding anniversary next Tuesday. This New Years Eve we would have been together 10 years. I feel like I've wasted all that time and ruined my life. Can't believe how stupid I have been.

    I know this is easy for others to say, but there is no point in beating yourself up about the amount of time spent on this waster (believe me I wanted to use a different W word) and focus on the time ahead that will be full of the things you want to do and see and the life you want so badly to build - only this time with someone who deserves you. We all spend time regretting the failures in our relationships but when you meet the right person - it's immateri al.
    A previous poster is correct - your Mum & family have been desperate to help you and spending a Christmas surrounded by their love is exactly what you need to heal a bit and then start the New Year with a plan of action to off load this person and start living for you.
    It looks at it's worst now - but you need to know it can only get better from here - I really admire your strength - you're worth a hell of a lot more than what you're getting.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi all

    Yes you can - thaks for the post and I can see your point in a way.
    But believe me my husband is in no way proud! He'd have no problem sitting on his ass while I worked my fingers to the bone and paid for everything!!!

    He just has a "different" view on sex than me and is going mental because I'm not all over him like a rash. He wouldn't give a damn about anything else if that I was really horny for him all the time!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    Can you chat to your mum? You don't have to give her all the gory details. I can see him resurfacing yet. Maybe this weekend pretending nothing has happened or when he runs out of money. Be careful. He might take some of your stuff either. You really don't know.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP would you not go to a solicitor and formalise this separation? Time to get out now. You are only 28 you have spent way too much time with this waste of space. Judging from your posts and the state of your marriage you're pretty much single. A friend of mine met her true love in her late thirties and is now having a kid so stop worrying about the future and being alone. Would you not get in contact with some of your friends and meet up with one of them.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 75 ✭✭G&T22


    ...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    G&T22

    welcome to PI/RI - please review our Charter - asking folk to PM you is a big no-no here and can and will result in warnings &/or bans.

    Taltos


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