Summarize the bible!

The Mad Hatter

To be honest, the core message of the bible seems closer to "Do as you're told."

Newsite

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

To be honest, the core message of the bible seems closer to "Do as you're told."

If anything, it's 'choose life when you pass away, or choose the opposite'.

Delirium

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

To be honest, the core message of the bible seems closer to "Do as you're told."

Frank Zappa nails it for me tbh.

The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your ****ing mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.

-Frank Zappa

robindch

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

To be honest, the core message of the bible seems closer to "Do as you're told."

I'd go with "Do as your priesthood tells you to" (catholic) or "Do as you believe you're told" (protestant).

Anyone got any other suggestions?

chin_grin

Live in fear and self-loathing and you'll be "saved".

robindch

(previous posts moved in here for consistency!)

Witcher

God= Good Devil=Bad

Sarky

People attempt absolute authority. It ends in tears.

sbsquarepants

If you like it, it's bad - stop doing it, or you'll be fúcking sorry when i get my hands on you, i love you by the way.

The Quadratic Equation

Love God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, and 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

Jesus is the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the
Father but through Jesus.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

In the begining was the word and the word was made flesh.
Christ the saviour is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the ending.

No one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit.
Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You must be born again.

The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” He has hardened his heart.

Whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will
not enter it at all, unless you change and become like little
children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Newsite

koth wrote: »

Frank Zappa nails it for me tbh.

Suppose you had a kid. For whatever reason he grows up disobeying you. You know you can teach him the right way to go, and that this way will bring him more than his own way can. He doesn't listen, but you are patient, hoping and willing that he will come back. If he does, amazing. If he doesn't, he's made his own bed, freely of his own choosing, and he freely chooses what happens thereafter.

I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.

Sarky

Nothing is evil if the voice in your head says it's ok.

ShooterSF

How to treat each other and each other's property (that includes their slaves and women).

MagicMarker

The Quadratic Equation wrote: »

Whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will
not enter it at all, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

God likes 'em young.

Michael Nugent

I only smite you because I love you.

ShooterSF

MagicMarker wrote: »

God likes 'em young.

as do his followers.

Dades

Here's free will. Now do as I say or I'll have you tortured for eternity.

robindch

God transcends <insert-topic-of-debate>

Newsite

Dades wrote: »

Here's free will. Now do as I say or I'll have you tortured for eternity. Make your choice.

.

Michael Nugent

Michael Nugent wrote: »

I only smite you because I love you.

Yeah, this
I'm a horrible wicked person and I deserve hell forever and the only one who can forgive me and make it better is god because god loves me even though i don't deserve it and all i have to do is everything god says and if i get punished it's my fault for not being good enough (even though I was created that way)

ps i walked into a door, i swear

TwoShedsJackson

irishh_bob

Blay wrote: »

God= Good Devil=Bad

thank you homer , now wash off that ink

fatmammycat

Sum it up:
Okay, the bible is... the (multi) ghost written account of a fictional omnipotent omniscient capricious egotistical card dealer, who amuses himself by watching his subjects roll their puny dice while knowing the house ALWAYS wins. Instead of shunning such a monster people are supposed to be grateful his beady eye is on them while they die of famine and various road accidents and so forth. If you ask him though, he'll help you find your car keys.
To prove he is all powerful, we're supposed to abandon the notion of biology and pretend a pregnant married girl got that way by his invisible magic jizz, producing a semi-literate hippy/hobo who wanders about with his pals being cross about money lenders and rich people. When the semi-literate hippy/hobo comes a cropper and dies a ( surprise!) mortal death, along with COUNTLESS others, we're supposed to abandon the notion of biology (again) and pretend he was reanimated a few days later, into a not at all zombie.
All hail the card sharp and his credible followers.

Newsite

bluewolf wrote: »

Yeah, this
I'm a horrible wicked person and I deserve hell forever and the only one who can forgive me and make it better is god because god loves me even though i don't deserve it and all i have to do is everything god says and if i get punished it's my fault for not being good enough (even though I was created that way)

ps i walked into a door, i swear

wow what a misconception. You can't have eternal life by anything you do or not do. God knows you cannot be good enough so all He asks is that you trust in Him. Trusting in Him, if honestly done, will mean He won't turn you away.

Personally I blame Catholicism in this country for this masssssssive misconception that you God expects you to be a saint (which is about as possible as going back in time in your purple monkey dishwasher spaceship). Effectively, if it were true, nobody could even have eternal life.

Newsite

Newsite wrote: »

wow what a misconception. You can't have eternal life by anything you do or not do. God knows you cannot be good enough so all He asks is that you trust in Him. Trusting in Him, if honestly done, will mean He won't turn you away.

Personally I blame Catholicism in this country for this masssssssive misconception that you God expects you to be a saint (which is about as possible as going back in time in your purple monkey dishwasher spaceship). Effectively, if it were true, nobody could even have eternal life.

Are you seriously trying to reassure me with "we can never be good enough"?
That's just adding to my point

Anyway everyone could have eternal life if your omnipotent deity wanted it that way

Knasher

Newsite wrote: »

wow what a misconception. You can't have eternal life by anything you do or not do. God knows you cannot be good enough so all He asks is that you trust in Him. Trusting in Him, if honestly done, will mean He won't turn you away.

You seem to have an unusual habit of stating things are misconceptions and then in no way refuting the misconception. Your description and bluewolf's are entirely compatible, you have just stated yours to make it seem your god is slightly less monstrous.

delta_bravo

Why is this thread trying to achieve? Just seems like pure goading to me.

Newsite

Knasher wrote: »

You seem to have an unusual habit of stating things are misconceptions and then in no way refuting the misconception. Your description and bluewolf's are entirely compatible, you have just stated yours to make it seem your god is slightly less monstrous.

So saying 'believe in me and be saved and have eternal life' is monstrous?

Saying 'don't worry about good works, just trust your Maker' is monstrous.

Mm-k.

Standman

The Mad Hatter

delta_bravo wrote: »

Why is this thread trying to achieve? Just seems like pure goading to me.

In my defence, I wasn't trying to start a thread - I was responding to a specific point by newsite and it got spun off.

New_Flash

fatmammycat wrote: »

Sum it up:
he was reanimated a few days later, into a not at all zombie.

This zombie thing comes up again and again and I think it's an error. Let's look at the facts JC slept in a crypt, drank blood with his mates and hated crosses, that doesn't sound like a zombie to me. In fact I bet if you read the scriptures hard enough you also discover that he hated garlic and had a fondness for evening wear.

delta_bravo

ShooterSF wrote: »

as do his followers.

How eloquent. So all Christians are pedophiles is it? Very intelligent and worthwhile addition to the topic

Knasher

Newsite wrote: »

So saying 'believe in me and be saved and have eternal life' is monstrous?

Saying 'don't worry about good works, just trust your Maker' is monstrous.

Mm-k.

Yes in both cases. The first is an underhanded threat in much the same way a mafioso telling you that is would be a pity if you had a horrible accident. The corollary of the 'believe in me and be saved and have eternal life' statement as stated by the majority of christians (not all because the christian label is pretty broad these days) is that if you don't you will be damed and have eternal suffering. On top of that the christian claim that their god is just, makes him monstrous.

The second statement is worse because, while I believe the first is just an empty threat, the second has actual negative consequences in peoples lives and places higher value on gullibility over actual good works.

Mm-k

Rev Hellfire

Bad things happen because you're not worthy.
Good things happen though the grace of god.
If you're not with us you're against us.

Sarky

[Citation needed]

tricky D

Big fella makes wild claims, kills a shedload, relaxes for while and then makes plans to kill almost everybody who is left, with lots of side plots.

antiskeptic

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

To be honest, the core message of the bible seems closer to "Do as you're told."

To be accurate, the core message of the Bible is "You aren't able to do as your told and the point of telling you to do what you are told is to assist you in becoming convinced of that fact"

Daftendirekt

Newsite

delta_bravo wrote: »

How eloquent. So all Christians are pedophiles is it? Very intelligent and worthwhile addition to the topic

Either gay or paedophiles, from what this 'contributor' and another poster on this forum claim

Newsite

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Bad things happen because you're not worthy.
Good things happen though the grace of god.
If you're not with us you're against us.

Now you get it!

sponsoredwalk

New_Flash wrote: »

This zombie thing comes up again and again and I think it's an error. Let's look at the facts JC slept in a crypt, drank blood with his mates and hated crosses, that doesn't sound like a zombie to me. In fact I bet if you read the scriptures hard enough you also discover that he hated garlic and had a fondness for evening wear.

This idea forms part of the exact science explained below so I don't think
it's an error:



We now understand that zombies, frankenstein & dracula are evolutionary
ancestors that branched off an earlier fairytale character which is itself
descended, or err, stolen:



from earlier fairytale plots:



Sounds as logical an explanation as, and equivalent to, any given in
evolutionary psychology

So I think it's alright to call Jesus a zombie seeing as a zombie is the
expression of just one of Yeazus's many characteristics.

MagicMarker

Newsite wrote: »

Either gay or paedophiles, from what this 'contributor' and another poster on this forum claim

Come to think of it, if we took this diagram as gospel then 97.65% of the world are theists, which means 97.35% of the world's pedophiles, murderers, rapists, thiefs and all round evil people are believers.:eek:

Newsite

MagicMarker wrote: »

Come to think of it, if we took this diagram as gospel then 97.65% of the world are theists, which means 97.35% of the world's pedophiles, murderers, rapists, thiefs and all round evil people are believers.:eek:

It would, if simply categorising yourself as 'religious' meant anything in and of itself.

strobe

Kneel.

(In a nutshell)

smokingman

The Bible: A case study in the objectification of a persons imagination as the aggressor in a stockholm syndrome situation internally. It's message? You humans are puny, I can do magic and you can't.....oh and I've got ****ing unicorns and you haven't.

ShooterSF

delta_bravo wrote: »

How eloquent. So all Christians are pedophiles is it? Very intelligent and worthwhile addition to the topic

I jest of course. Just the catholics and then they're not all paedophiles just enablers.

strobe wrote: »

Kneel.

(In a nutshell)

Well you could hardly stand up in one unless it was a huge shell.

smcgiff

I AM THE LORD THY GOD... now give 10% of your earnings.

The rest is just filler

Selkies

The Gospel

A: Oh B you're in terrible trouble, I'm going to have to torture you
B: Why?
A: Because you broke all my rules
B: What rules?
A: Oh, yeah I didn't tell everyone about those, don't worry though if you kill my son I'll forgive you
B: That makes sense *stabs*
A: Good News, all you have to do is accept the sacrifice I have made and worship me to avoid all that torture

Job

Satan: You know that guy Job, you think he is so awesome but I bet if you killed his family and made him poor he wouldn't like you.
God: I'll show you!
Job: Why did you do that?
God: How dare you question me? I made the whole world!
Job: Sorry
God: Ok, have a new family and lots of money

irishh_bob

Selkies wrote: »

The Gospel

A: Oh B you're in terrible trouble, I'm going to have to torture you
B: Why?
A: Because you broke all my rules
B: What rules?
A: Oh, yeah I didn't tell everyone about those, don't worry though if you kill my son I'll forgive you
B: That makes sense *stabs*
A: Good News, all you have to do is accept the sacrifice I have made and worship me to avoid all that torture

Job

Satan: You know that guy Job, you think he is so awesome but I bet if you killed his family and made him poor he wouldn't like you.
God: I'll show you!
Job: Why did you do that?
God: How dare you question me? I made the whole world!
Job: Sorry
God: Ok, have a new family and lots of money

i wonder do the various despots around the world model themselves on god

Zombrex

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

To be honest, the core message of the bible seems closer to "Do as you're told."

The Bible doesn't have a core message. That is a myth invented by those who believe it is the inspired word of God.

The Bible in actual fact is a collection of works designed for different reasons with different messages. The Old Testament is most concerned with establishing shared history and ancestry, most likely to justify the ruling of particular kings (great archeological program on BBC a few months ago about the lack of historical evidence for significant events in the Bible and why later generations and leaders may have invented these events in order to justify their claims to power).

The New Testament is mostly concerned with explaining why Jesus died, in a rather convoluted and wholly unconvincing manner.

krudler

"Now a major motion picture, soundtrack available in all good record shops"