Can she trust me again

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this

I'm married to a wonderful woman and we have small kids. We are together nearly 20 years. Recently I thought she was cheating on me(she was in contact with another man). I have, after a period of time, now realised that she wasn't cheating on me.

But I have made such a total balls up because of this. I accused her, she denied it. But I couldn't let it go. So I spoke to a female friend of hers to get a female perspective. I only presented the facts and didn't say I suspected an affair. Her friend thought it odd behaviour. Unfortunately her friend decided to ring her about this. That did not go down well with my wife. Things spiralled out of control after this with my wife telling me all the shortcomings in our marriage, including that I was a control freak who never let her out to enjoy herself without me, that I manipulated her and that she felt she had a noose around her neck. Things have now gotten so bad that she wants a separation, tells me she no longer has any feelings for me and wants me out of the house so she can start living the rest of her life with the kids.

Now I'm not looking for (or can you give) any advice on the legal aspects of the separation....forget about that for the moment and the details of why I thought she was cheating has been cleared up between us, so I don't need to clarify the who/how/why of it.

The above is the background. Here is the "meat and potatoes" of my question, as they say in the USA.

Below are some points I need other people to look at as my brain is no longer working right!

She moved out for 3 weeks and said she would never stay in the same house with me again, but is now back. We are sleeping in separate beds. I want to sort this out she does not.

She wanted me out immediately,I was very upset as we have 3 small kids, but when I said that I would move out if that was what she wanted, she backed down and said she would move out, this went back and forth until she said lets leave it until after Christmas and decide who moves out then.

She says she can't even be in the same room as me as I cause her so much anger, but, if we start talking about "us" she starts crying and I hug her. Would someone who totally hates you let you do this? Last night for the first time in ages, the hug, which is usually me hugging her with her arms down by her side, she hugged me back, then she put her head on my chest and said "your such a bollix" but this is something she used to always say to me in an affectionate way, and she said it in the same way last night.

Last week she threw her wedding dress out in a fit of rage. Last night she asked me what bin was going out in the morning. When she realised it was the one with her wedding dress in it (Its in a sealed bag inside 2 other bags incase you are wondering) she asked me to take it back out. I said sure maybe you will wear it when you marry your next husband. She said that she will never let any man as close to her as I was. Then she started to cry and put her head on my chest again, and said, it you do meet someone in the next 12 months then it really will be over. She insists that she wants nothing to do with men. Her libido is very low at present due to a new baby 4 months ago. Just to answer any possible questions about this, she is not depressed.

She doesn't trust me as I am a stupid idiot. Over the last 2 days she has confided in me about some things and after she says "I shouldn't have told you that your probably going to tell everyone" I of course say no I'm not.

I have told her that I am more sorry than she will ever know.

So how can I recover this situation?? She doesn't trust me (but will trust me with stuff she would tell nobody else), says she doesn't love me (but has no problem hugging me and the look in her eyes is not the look of someone who doesn't love me, its the look of someone who is hurt and disappointed) and wants freedom (not to go meet men, just to go out without 20 questions).

Honest answers, does she still have feelings for me? My plan is to be patient and hope for the best.

I am a friend

Your plan should be to go straight to counselling to deal with your trusy issues....

Sounds like you have broken her heart. Maybe if you prove you are trying to change then she might change her mind but you would need to do something drastic like go to counselling to prove that to me.

If you dont get some help you will only end up doing this to her again.

Squiggler

Really Conflustered! wrote: »

Last week she threw her wedding dress out in a fit of rage. Last night she asked me what bin was going out in the morning. When she realised it was the one with her wedding dress in it (Its in a sealed bag inside 2 other bags incase you are wondering) she asked me to take it back out. I said sure maybe you will wear it when you marry your next husband. She said that she will never let any man as close to her as I was. Then she started to cry and put her head on my chest again, and said, it you do meet someone in the next 12 months then it really will be over. She insists that she wants nothing to do with men. Her libido is very low at present due to a new baby 4 months ago. Just to answer any possible questions about this, she is not depressed.

Seriously, you said that?! What were you thinking?

Your wife is angry with you, with good reason. Pregnancy and childbirth and the aftermath are pretty rough on a woman, physically and emotionally and you added in suspicions that she was having an affair and confided in one of her friends about it?

However, as much as she might like to, love is not something that can be just switched on and off, so we will still have a residual attachment to you.

Buddy, you need to start grovelling... and keep grovelling. If you really want to save your relationship you need to ask her what she wants you to do, if she wants space give it to her.

And definitely keep your wisecracking about her potential future boyfriends/husband to yourself.

LegacyUser

She knew I was joking about the new husband bit, that looks a lot worse than it was.

I am grovelling big time.

It's like she has a wall around herself and sometimes it comes down and my wife is there. But it goes back up again.

I'm trying to show her she can trust me but it's not an easy (or quick) thing to get back.

Neyite

Really conflustered wrote: »

She knew I was joking about the new husband bit, that looks a lot worse than it was.

I am grovelling big time.

It's like she has a wall around herself and sometimes it comes down and my wife is there. But it goes back up again.

I'm trying to show her she can trust me but it's not an easy (or quick) thing to get back.

Sounds like a pretty cruel joke to me. She threw out the dress of her dreams, the one she wore when she married the man that has now hurt her so much she can barely look at him. When she had second thoughts about that dress, maybe wanting to keep it after all, you made a snide remark about yet another imaginary man. Its not a joke if she cried. Do you not remember what kicked it all off in the first place?? Jesus Mary and the Donkey what were you thinking!!!

The woman you see when her wall is up is her being strong. But you only seem to recognise her as the woman you married when her defences are down and she is emotionally exhausted.

See a counsellor, book a mediation service so you can sort the separation, get a place of your own and for god sake, leave the poor woman alone to grieve for the relationship you stomped into the ground.

LegacyUser

Just to try to clear it up this new husband bit, she had been telling me that I would be fine once I got a new woman, I told her no. I said maybe she would get a new partner first and she said no you will etc etc. We had been joking about it and she knew that why I said about the dress was a joke. It just upset her also unfortunately.

Let's not get hung up on that bit, as we were laughing a couple of minutes later. And this morning we had breakfast together and things are very calm.

I'm just looking for some ideas to get back her trust. everybody has a different sense of humour and myself and my wife know what makes each other laugh. That would have made her laugh usually. So please don't read into it too much.

I only want to know if trust can be regained. I'm not expecting it to happen quickly, or maybe it won't happen at all. But I need to try. All our kids are under 7 am I need to salvage my marriage, so I won't be getting out of our house anytime soon. Thanks for the advice though.

Big Bag of Chips

Is this the woman who kissed another man?

I think there are big big issues in your marriage, and the only way you can sort it out is talking, openly and honestly. Let her say all she needs to. Let her admit whatever she needs to admit, and them she should allow you the time to do the same.

You can do this without professional help, like a marriage counsellor, but if you think you need a helping hand and maybe an outside perspective, then maybe agree to marriage counselling.

It will only work if you both want it to though. You can't force her or coax her to feel a certain way.

Chinafoot

Really Conflustered! wrote: »

I was a control freak who never let her out to enjoy herself without me, that I manipulated her and that she felt she had a noose around her neck.

Have you considered working on the problems she outlined above? Are you controlling? Do you not like her to go out without you? Do you manipulate her?

Sounds like she's very hurt and confused and has no idea what she wants. If you want to sort your marriage out you need to address the issues she has told you about. Have you even talked about the above? Have you suggested counselling for you both to work on the problems?

LegacyUser

We spoke about this issue last night. I can see why she thinks I was controlling. She cut down on the number of nights out she had and it was because of me. She did admit that she never said it to me and just accepted it. But it was my fault.

She won't go to counselling. She feels that she now has a chance to "breakfree" of me and meet people as she pleases and not have to report her comings and goings. Its only as she said these things to me that I realised what an ass I have been.

She shows me some glimmers of hope now and again, but then shuts them off quickly. Its almost like she is fighting a battle inside herself with herself. And its about our marriage.
These past few days I have not asked her once where she is going or when she will be back. She sometimes volunteers the information.
She also said last night that she still had some feelings for me deep inside her that will never go.But that we could only ever be friends, nothing more and that she never wants another man to get as close as I did. She is also adamant that she will never be with anyone else for many many years.

I need to convince her that I can change. That I can be a better person for myself, her and the kids sake. I believe that she thinks I want to get back with her so we can have sex again. That is not it. I just want her to be there for me that is all.

She said that I am being too pushy with her over this. Today I said that I hope to be her friend again one day, but I realise that I will never again be her best friend. She said that who knows what will happen in the future but that I need to stop trying to second guess everything and let it happen. She hopes we can be best friends again, but is happy to wait and see.

Should I just slow down and see how it plays out?

And do all these signals from her mean that there is a small chance of saving this marriage?

aidan24326

Really Conflustered! wrote: »

Should I just slow down and see how it plays out?

You probably don't have too many other options at the moment. Back away and give her space for now, and see what happens. But from what you've said in your latest post (12:46) it doesn't sound good at all. I think you're clutching at the straws of a marriage that may well be over in her mind by the sound of things.

You have to bear in mind that her pulling away from you now isn't a reaction to any one thing you said or did. Your accusation of an affair was likely just the straw that broke the camel's back but there had to be resentment and other underlying issues building up long before that and it was going to come to a head sooner or later. The fact she refuses counselling or mediation suggests she may be gone beyond even wanting to fix it, and if that's the case there's not a whole lot you can do unfortunately.

Beruthiel

Really Conflustered! wrote: »

We spoke about this issue last night. I can see why she thinks I was controlling. She cut down on the number of nights out she had and it was because of me. She did admit that she never said it to me and just accepted it. But it was my fault.

Wow. Anyone who tried to control me like that would be dropped like a hot potatoe.
Consider the fact that she actually cared enough to cut back so you would be happier about it.
You wouldn't catch me doing that and I'm pointing it out so you can appreciate the effort she actually went to.

She won't go to counselling. She feels that she now has a chance to "breakfree" of me and meet people as she pleases and not have to report her comings and goings. Its only as she said these things to me that I realised what an ass I have been.

It sounds like getting away from you would be weight off her shoulders.
It would take some convincing to talk her out of that one.

BTW - if my hubby went behind my back to discuss my 'cheating' with my friend, I believe that would be a deal breaker.
I am 100% trustworthy, your wife considers herself to be the same.
To have that questioned by someone who is supposed to understand that about her is galling.

She shows me some glimmers of hope now and again, but then shuts them off quickly. Its almost like she is fighting a battle inside herself with herself. And its about our marriage.

She is fighting a battle.
She clearly loved you enough to marry you. She thought this was for life.
There is a terrible pain in the pit of your stomach when you come to the realisation that what you thought your life was going to be, will not.
It is difficult to let that go and it's a grieving process.
She want's it back, knows she cannot and is steeling herself for the future.
As a result of all this, she is vulnerable.

And do all these signals from her mean that there is a small chance of saving this marriage?

Only she can answer that.
But, when I finished with my ex husband it was not a spur of the moment thing.
I thought about the pros and cons for years. I swung back and forth. One day it was one thing, the next it was different.
After going on like that for a looooong time, I made the decision. At that point, there was no turning back for me.
I'm guessing that it's the same for your wife.
BUT, as I said above, only she can really answer that question.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Well you really have f*cked up monumentally. I'll give you some advise but I really hope you take it as it's meant and not use it to manipulate her. I have to agree with Beruthiel, if my partner tried even one of the things you've done, i.e. talking sh*t about her to her friends, controlling her, he would be dropped so fast his would spin. From the sounds of it you are very clingy (her needing to report where she is etc) and controlling and tbh it's about the most unattractive trait a person can have. But I don't think all is lost IF you change. This weekend, tell her that you want her to go out with her friends and have fun and forget about everything for a while. Tell her you'll mind the kids and give her some extra cash to have fun with (even if you share all your finances it will show her that you really do want her to enjoy herself). While she's gone out get the house clean so if she's hung over the next day she can put her feet up while you take the kids out. Basically you need to give her what she's missing i.e FUN! If she's been answerable to you she needs to feel some freedom and independence again. I feel sorry for your wife but I also feel sorry for you as it could be that you really didn't realise what a d*ckhead you were being. So yeah remove ALL pressure, don't mention getting back into her bed unless she asks you to, don't mention where she's been, in other words try to see her for a while as a strong independent woman that isn't answerable to you, eventually you won't have to fake it and you will see her that way. I think if you do all of those things genuinely (I mean don't just do it to get her back) then you have a chance. Remember OP, you either trust you wife or you don't, don't ever dishonour yourself or her again by giving her less than 100% trust.

Best of luck to you, her and your kids.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all you comments.

I have f*cked up totally, my only defence (not much of one) is that I didn't realise that I was doing it. My wife also agrees with this.
I have actually started to all the things you suggest Curlzy. I never ask where she goes now or who she sees. Never call her when she is out, in fact I only call her or text her if its anything to do with the kids.
This weekend I'm taking the kids to their grandparents house so she has time on her own. Not sure if she is going out or not but at least she has that choice now.
Nothing mentioned about getting back into bed that is for sure.

I know I sound like and have been a total a-hole, but I love this woman and my kids. I have been a good husband and father. Myself and my wife had a very active sex life up to very recently. The family have never wanted for anything. Of course I didn't realise that my wife was missing something. And she still have feelings for me (which she admitted last night). So I need to save this marriage.

I appreciate Dthat other people would ditch me quicker than a snake, but every relationship is different. I need to save my one and need some more advice as to how to do it.

She won't go to counselling at present so I need to come up with some interim solutions that will mean that we can live together here with the kids. They are the ones who will suffer the most if we split. I know people have different views of separation, but I believe that kids need both parents and to have them together under the same roof (once they are not fighting) is better than having them apart.

Mighty_Mouse

including that I was a control freak who never let her out to enjoy herself without me, that I manipulated her and that she felt she had a noose around her neck.

Read this again. This is the core issue.

Why are you suffocating your wife?
Which part of your personality is driving this?
IMO it stems from your own personal issues.
You need to resolve whatever is making you act this way.

We are sleeping in separate beds. I want to sort this out she does not.

You describe a total break-down of your wife & your marriage & then somehow feel she should sleep in your bed?
Its slightly delusional.

she starts crying and I hug her. Would someone who totally hates you let you do this?

Your reaching.
Looking for small signs that your not so bad after all.

I said sure maybe you will wear it when you marry your next husband.

This is extremely manipulative.
You're provoking her. Looking for a reaction that things might be ok.
She's never going to say "yes, I'm off to find another man".
Her negative answer reassures you.

She doesn't trust me as I am a stupid idiot

You throw these comments out blandly.

No matter how much you grovel, provoke, sympatise, apologise & gesture...........this woman will not change her mind.

Actions speak louder than words.
I would suggest that you truly acknowledge that you need to change parts of your personality. You may need professional help to do this.

Why don't you go & sit with someone yourself. She may choose to join you further down the road.

LegacyUser

Really Conflustered! wrote: »

Going unreg for this
Recently I thought she was cheating on me(she was in contact with another man).

Did you have good reason to suspect infidelity? Attempts at getting with somebody else?

I only presented the facts and didn't say I suspected an affair. Her friend thought it odd behaviour.

You spoke to a friend of hers, and she thought your wifes behavior was strange. So there were grounds for suspecting her of fooling around or having at the least an 'emotional affair'.

Things spiralled out of control after this with my wife telling me all the shortcomings in our marriage, including that I was a control freak who never let her out to enjoy herself without me, that I manipulated her and that she felt she had a noose around her neck. Things have now gotten so bad that she wants a separation, tells me she no longer has any feelings for me and wants me out of the house so she can start living the rest of her life with the kids.

Classic deflection of blame and muddying the waters. Its all your fault, none of it hers. Forcing you to look at your behaviour (which in itself may not be all bad) while her 'affair' is no longer the topic of discussion is distracting you.

Perhaps you were controlling; but out with her friends several times a week seems to be a lot. Visiting friends to hang out, have coffee, chat some is a different thing than going out to the pub. How often do you go out to meet your friends in the pub? Do you guys ever go out as a couple?

By your own account she was out down the pub while possibly feeling a little low after a baby, maybe feeling a little less attractive after pushing out another kid, a little insecure in her own looks and/or weight and then the "odd behaviour" started.

my brain is no longer working right!

You may well be correct with this statement

She moved out for 3 weeks

So where did she go? What was she doing while you were left to look after the kids, alone, stuck at home? Who did she see during her spell out of the house. She may well have felt stuck at home at times even 'that I manipulated her and that she felt she had a noose around her neck' but certainly not to the extent that she can't feck off out of the family home for 3 weeks.

We are sleeping in separate beds. I want to sort this out she does not.

This isn't good. You are being punished and you are punishing youself. Why should she make up with you when you are kept off balance and unable to think straight.

She wanted me out immediately,I was very upset as we have 3 small kids, but when I said that I would move out if that was what she wanted, she backed down and said she would move out, this went back and forth until she said lets leave it until after Christmas and decide who moves out then.

Your wife doesn't know what she wants except some security now for the moment. That may be until she decides her next move. Has she ever shown any remorse over her 'affair'? Has she ever said that you may have had grounds for suspecting her and she is sorry that she created that situation?

Last week she threw her wedding dress out in a fit of rage. Last night she asked me what bin was going out in the morning.

This is going to mess with your head BIG time! She knows it. The message here is that your entire marraige has been a sham.


Either you did discover something going on or about to happen and she has now paniced. By confronting her you may have driven her fooling around underground. Is the other guy still around? Is she in contact with him?
Don't be too quick to dismiss your earlier suspicions. You felt you had grounds then and you may have still have.



You say that she had a baby 4 months ago but isn't depressed. Has she been to a doctor at all to check that out? Depression takes a lot of different forms, not all of them sitting in the dark and being miserable.

Ickle Magoo

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homerjay2005

does anybody else think she is actually acting like a spoilt brat now and actually taking this too far?

maybe she is trying to get out of the relationship and was just waiting for her excuse?

seems to me like the op is taking all the blame, when in essence what he did is in no way serious enough to end a 20 year relationship.

me thinks he has the op by the balls, she knows it, is playing a game and is just loving the control. but of course, as always on here, its the mans fault..

how long does this go on for? i would stop grovelling, concentrate on the kids for a few weeks, leave her alone and see how it pans out. being in control now seems to be what she wants.

play her at her own game.

LegacyUser

Just to clear up a few question/points raised (and forgive the lack if quotes I'm using my phone).

For the 3 weeks she moved in with her mother. She would help me put the kids to bed then leg it. Usually would try to make it back before they went to school.

When I said we are sleeping in separate beds. This needs to be sorted, I meant our whole marraige not the sleeping in separate beds. That I can live with for quite a while.

She is still in contact with that bloke, sure they are "only friends" she says.

But actually I have learned something else over the last 2 days. Something really important. My wife has bulimia and admitted it 2 days ago. I think this might have a lot to do with her present state of mind and her actions. Together we conquered it 10 years ago. But she admitted that since the new baby it is back. And it is worse than ever. And she has asked for my help.

I have to support her because the kids need her to be fit and strong. We have agreed to take it a day at a time. And if we take a step back by arguing then we will take a step forward the next day.

Tonight I have taken the kids to my sisters house and she is on her own. My old "controlling" self would not like this, as I would have suspected she would invite her phone buddy up. But actually that won't happen. With her body issues sex is the last thing on her mind and since I'm her best and closest friend and the only person she can really have a relationship with, I'm thinking that is why she has pushed me away.

homerjay2005

i honestly think your blaming yourself too much for this and i think its starting to show now the real problems are with herself and not you.

are you 100% sure there is nothing going on with this other lad and if so, how did you come to that conclusion?

homerjay2005

homerjay2005 wrote: »

does anybody else think she is actually acting like a spoilt brat now and actually taking this too far?

Do i believe a woman who went through childbirth 4 months ago, was accused of cheating to her face after spending a long time cutting down on nights out because of a controlling husband, a husband who then went behind her back to accuse her of cheating to her best friend, is overreacting? Eh, no, no I don't.

homerjay2005

bluewolf wrote: »

Do i believe a woman who went through childbirth 4 months ago, was accused of cheating to her face after spending a long time cutting down on nights out because of a controlling husband, a husband who then went behind her back to accuse her of cheating to her best friend, is overreacting? Eh, no, no I don't.

he accused her of cheating, big deal.sounds to me like she is looking for a way out. he could have come home with s*it on his shoes and the reaction would have been the same.

is it not a bit rich that a woman with what is it, 3 kids, to be complaining about not being able to go out on nights out? the controlling bit is opinion, not fact.

she made the choice to start a family, it works for both of them. parents in having no social life shocker eh?

nowyouresix

Professional help is needed here!
And without delay.

Ickle Magoo

Would you consider mediation OP? From your post I get a lot of anger, resentment and bitterness on both sides - a marriage will never work if one or both parties is going around with a chip on their shoulder or feel unable to discuss issues in order to resolve them and put them to bed.

Your wife has admitted to having bulimia, you have admitted to having control issues - sounds like you could both do with some extra help. Perhaps a third party could help you both get your feelings and fears and resentments out on the table in order that you can move forward into a more healthy place - especially with three young kids soaking up that environment?

All the very best.

themadchef

Really conflustered! wrote: »

her present state of mind and her actions. .

Let's take you out of the equation here for a minute OP. I dont mean to to be blunt, but, you being a prick may have just been a catalyst and not the actual crux of the issue. You've acknowledged you coulda been a better hudband, no one's perfect.....

Post natal depression at 4 months is a possibility has this been discussed?

You have 4 kids together, it's worth the fight. Her state of mind needs to be assessed for everyones sake if things are the way you say they are her mind seems quite fragile. People say and do things they often would never do when they are not thinking rationally.

I wonder is she sleeping ok? God knows when you have a small baby it can be difficult to sleep. Sleep deprivation can make you seem bat shít crazy at times

up for anything

Really conflustered! wrote: »

Tonight I have taken the kids to my sisters house and she is on her own. My old "controlling" self would not like this, as I would have suspected she would invite her phone buddy up. But actually that won't happen. With her body issues sex is the last thing on her mind and since I'm her best and closest friend and the only person she can really have a relationship with, I'm thinking that is why she has pushed me away.

Somehow I don't think "your old controlling self" as you like to phrase it has gone away. He's still there but boxing more cleverly. What does "since I'm her best and closest friend and the only person she can really have a relationship with mean. It sounds to me like her bulimia returning seems to be a gift from the gods for you.

LegacyUser

To think that someone would welcome a loved one getting bulimia back as 'a gift from the gods' shows that you don't understand the disease at all, so I'm not going to berate you for your comment. Let me just say I don't agree with it.

My wife needs help and I'm the only person she will accept it from. To be quite honest I would give up my marriage if it meant she could conquer it because eventually it could kill her.

My choice of words were probably not the best so let me say that I believe she still loves me. Her disease means she can't love herself or accept that someone else could find her attractive or lovable. The disease is all about self loathing and low self esteem(from issues before we met). She needs my help to beat it. Beating it means she will learn to love herself again. Then perhaps she can learn to love me again. But it's a long road ahead as they say, and it won't be the yellow brick road either.

Mighty_Mouse

You seem to have blinkers on when it comes to recognising that you may have undesirable personality traits which are having a negative impact on your wife.

Your wife's bulemia hasn't developed in a vacum & is probably something that reoccurs in times of stress. The breakdown of her marriage being one of these times.

Either you make an effort to fix all your problems or you will probably never find true happiness together.

homerjay2005

themadchef wrote: »

you being a prick may have just been a catalyst and not the actual crux of the issue. You've acknowledged you coulda been a better hudband, no one's perfect.....

can you or somebody please explain, in simple points, what he has done wrong that is so bad?

most seem to be pinning the blame on him and totally ignoring the woman involved may have a few mental issues that are the real root of the problem.

OkayWhatever

Your poor wife,feeling like your partner doesn't trust you is a horrible feeling. You need to work on it, I'd never want to be in a relationship with somebody who didn't trust me for no reason, and they were very clear about it. it's not fair on your wife.

I agree with people who suggested mediation, you both need to talk about everything in a calm way and try find a way to move on, if there is one.

You need to cut your wife some slak, she has the right to be friends with whoever she wants and go out whenever she wants. You can't control her, she's not a child.

If your wife does give you another chance you need to watch your accusations, think of things from her point of view, you wouldn't like it if she did it to you. Smart comments never got anybody in anybody's good books, you need to work really hard to get it back on track. Relax and stop being so paranoid.

analucija

OkayWhatever wrote: »

You need to cut your wife some slak, she has the right to be friends with whoever she wants and go out whenever she wants. You can't control her, she's not a child.

This is nonsense. It's very hard to go out whenever you like when you have 4 children. And I do ask my boyfriend where he is all the time. Sometimes because he is late, sometimes because I need something, sometimes because I'm worried, sometimes because I'm nosey. The controlling part would be if I would tell him not to go somewhere because I don't trust him.

OP, I don't know if any, some, most or all of this mess is your fault. It's very hard to judge from your posts but you really need professional help. And your wife more than you because of the seriousness of bulimia. IMO though people living together after the marriage is over is bad idea. I know couple of kids who were seriously screwed up because of disfunctional situation at home. So if you decide to separate then one of you will have to move out. Your children will still have two parents, they just won't live together.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for all the comments and advice (even the stuff I don't agree with).

The last few days have been a rollercoaster, but I think we have taken the first steps together to salvage something.
I have stopped giving her excuse as to why I did or said anything, I've admitted I was wrong. That I made lots of mistakes and that I am to blame for them. That its easy to offer excuses, but harder to say I'm wrong. But I was wrong.

For her part, she has admitted that what she did could very easily be seen as totally out of order, even though it wasn't. She is still in contact with the bloke as he is a friend. But she accepts that I am not too keen on it and has herself cut down on the amount of contact.

She even told me that all the evil has left me.!!

She is still asking me if I'm interested in any other women. I'm not.

2 weeks ago we were both ready to get barring orders to get each other out of the house as we believed that the other person would try to get the kids. Now we sit infront of the fire and drink wine together.
We even slept in the same bed one night (platonic!).

She asked me 2 days ago if I thought we could ever get back together. I paused for a minute, then said "I play the lotto every week, not because I think I will win ,but because I believe that its not impossible for me to win. Nothing in life is unfixable if we want it. How about you?"
Her answer (which was rather witty) "I don't play the lotto". But she never said anything more.

So I guess the lesson here is, chill out, talk, listen, believe and trust. All things that went out the window when my red mist decended.

Fingers crossed we can work it out

Elmidena

Apologies if I'm off the mark anywhere here, been awake a loooong time so no offence is meant in any way, shape or form

She has not long given birth and I would imagine the bullimia stems from wanting to be attractive, to herself or to the world, as after a few children she is sure to have stretch marks/sag/whatever and she most likely feels miserable in that aspect. You mentioned that you helped beat it a decade ago; did she always have it, or did it happen as a result of your relationship? Did she feel you didn't appreciate her enough and wanted to be attractive to you, or did she comfort eat because of your behaviour then feel repulsed and purge? Things to think about; an internet forum your wife is unaware of is not the place for such sensitive answers.

This male friend, was he on the scene during gestation or only afterwards? You say she's not had Post-Partum Depression, but maybe she kept it from you as you can be a little....volatile...and it's difficult to approach. Maybe this friend is her counsellor of sorts; yes talking to you is the best form of action for her to take if this were the case, but perhaps she didn't see that as a viable action. Maybe she wanted someone impartial to justify or refute your actions. If her going out was a problem, perhaps she wanted to see was this a general perspective or just a male thing.

If she cares as deeply as she's let on, twenty years is a long time to throw away, especially with a recent addition to the family, and she might have been doing that as a means to try and salvage the marriage. Just because it's not the right course of action and looks dodgy....well to be blunt, when you want someone to talk to to feel more secure, you don't always consider these things. If she wanted to talk to you and felt she couldn't then by no means has she done anything wrong. Of course, there's a lot of ? surrounding this other person; how do they know each other--work? Pub? Grew up together? Mutual friends? etc. She could have been bleeding onto him, but he could've been talking to her either. Maybe he's gay, or in his own trouble at home, or is suicidal. Lots of ifs.

When she went out on her own so often, were you invited out with her and couldn't or didn't want to, or was the invite never extended as it was "her" time? If you had the chance and didn't, then you have no excuse for justifying being so wound up over her behaviour alone. If you weren't included, that makes it more understandable; not right, but you can see where your bad side would stem from anyway.

You're having wine and relaxing on the couch--this is good. If you want to salvage your marriage then I would go for something to win her over. I'm not talking about a grand gesture; dig out old photos to gawk over while you drink the wine, or maybe when the kids are being minded by someone else go visit somewhere you used to go when you first started going out, or go to the cinema or for a nice meal, just the two of you. It doesn't have to be anything serious, just a relaxed air that has a nice feel to it, no pressure from either sides. Perhaps say "Remember the time we went to the beach/wherever when we first met? That was great, you looked beautiful that day. Shame we never went back" or something like that, she has the bait and see her reaction. If she also reminisces, then say "you know what? Let's do it!" Even if you don't actually go, this will probably show her you want to relive happy times and make her feel appreciated. It'll show you were thinking of the good times, and do your best to come up with something that means a lot to both of you, but isn't often talked about. She can associate you as a feel-good point again, instead of being wary around you.

Best of luck OP, and as I said already meant no harm by any of this so please don't see it that way