My fiance says he cant marry because he thinks i am fat and ugly

LegacyUser

Why is he so angry with me?

My fiance has always been looks orientated but recently it has become an obsession with him. He has been going to the gym and working out a lot. He has toned up quite a bit but now he says that he thinks I have no respect for him because I am not working hard enough on my looks.

I grant that I don't look hot and to be honest have always been more of the nerdy plain jane but now it has become such an issue for him. I suffer from social anxiety disorder. So much, in fact, that I find it hard in work to interact with people. It sounds crazy, and I know it is, but I hate answering the phone in work and reading emails stress me out. Even walking down the corridor on some days can be a real issue. Its crazy but it is something I have tried to live with. Because of this, I have some anxious habits. I bite my nails and scratch my arms so much that I often have scars on my arms. This makes me really self consious which makes everything worse. I have been working in limerick for a year and do not have any friends yet. I go to the gym twice a day but dont seem to be seeing any results.

So all the things he says about me, I already believe but it is so hard to hear it from him. He told me today that he is no longer physically attracted to me and this week he vowed to himself that he would not sleep with me when I came home this weekend. But, he got horny and need to release but he told me that he made it as quick as possible because he couldnt bare to see me naked. He says that I have no self respect and I dont respect him because I dont make more of an effort with regards my looks. He picks out cleary beautiful women who are in the public eye and say I am fat because I dont look like them. I know I am fat. I am 10 stone but I just dont know how to lose weight any faster. I have been really stressed with work and last month became really depressed. I have no one around me and he has tried to prevent me from my old friends because of their bad influence.


I am so upset and lonely. I just really want him to love me and be kind to me. I know I am nerdy and not slim. If I could I would be eight stone with lovely skiny arms and beautiful skin. But I am not. I feel that his family are wondering why he is with me at all. He could be with someone much better looking.

Maybe I shot too high.

Jack B. Badd

I'm pretty sure you didn't shoot too high. Looks aren't everything & underneath whatever good looks he may have your boyfriend sounds like an absolutely horrible human being. My advice would be to dump him, work on your self esteem & social anxiety issues & find a partner who actually deserves you. You can do so much better than this idiot!

Catari Jaguar

Hun, you're in an abusive relationship. This is definitely contributing to your social anxiety and low self esteem. You deserve better than him. You CAN get better than him.

Get out while you can.

floorpie

What a sad situation. The guy sounds like he has severe issues and is intent on dragging you into them.

MissFlitworth

fatandugly wrote: »

he vowed to himself that he would not sleep with me when I came home this weekend. But, he got horny and need to release but he told me that he made it as quick as possible because he couldnt bare to see me naked.

That is the greatest load of boll0cks going, if you need a 'release' you have a ****, you don't sleep with someone you're not attracted to. Have you considered that this guy basically knows exactly how to hurt you & gets a buzz out of pressing your buttons? He knew that saying that to you would utterly wreck you, hence why he did it.

You need to work on your self esteem a lot, when someone is so hugely down on themselves (I'm not hot, I'm fat, he could do so much better than me) they tend to be magnets for the kind of person who will treat them like absolute & utter sh1te. He can smell all of your insecurities & he'll use them against you. In the nicest way possible, it's time to grow a pair & extricate yourself from that relationship. If there are people he's tried to stop you talking to then they're pretty much exactly the people you should be trying to get in touch with now. Go to your GP & organise help for your anxiety issues. Most importantly, get rid of the extra 12 stone of negativity & sheer nastiness that's floating around you in the shape of a 'boyfriend'

I am a friend

Op why are you with him?

How did ye get to the point of getting engaged if he felt like this?

fungun

Perhaps he could be with someone better looking. But you could be with someone who is not an a$$hole.

10 stone is not 'fat'. If you recognise that you have social anxiety disorder you should also be able to recognise that you probably dont feel as positive about yourself as you might do. So Im sure you look a lot nicer than you think. And your fiance, knowing you, has decided to have a power play on this. Id dump him.

LaurzH27

You definitely deserve a lot better than this guy!!! Chin up hun.

The Lovely Muffin

Wow, I'm sorry OP, but your 'boyfriend' sounds like a complete twit.

As others here said, he is using your insecurities against you.

I agree completely with MissFlitworth. Get rid of that extra 12 stone (ie; boyfriend), you will be happier as a result. Yes it will hurt (break ups always do) but you will get over him, you can work on your anxiety and insecurities and find someone who will love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, not the way this "man" is treating you.

If my boyfriend was to treat me like this, I'd up-end him.

Big Bag of Chips

You can work on yourself. Work on your anxiety and even change your appearance with a bit of hard work. It IS possible for you to change.

He on the other hand, will always be a dickhead.

If you really repulse him that much, do him a favour and leave him. You'll be upset for a while, but once you're out of the pressure of your relationship with him, you will find that your life will become easier, better and the pressure will be off you.

Once you're happy in yourself, people notice that, and react to that.

He is the root cause of your anxiety. If you want to work on that, you need to sort out your problem with him first.

echosound

fatandugly wrote: »

But, he got horny and need to release but he told me that he made it as quick as possible because he couldnt bare to see me naked.

Jesus Christ OP, that's just absolutely appalling. I cannot imagine how that must have made you feel I'm nearly getting sick just reading that. Cannot imagine how it must feel to hear it from the mouth of the person you think you love. What a horrible excuse for a human being he is. Using you for a quick squirt, you should have told him to eff off and have a **** for himself, whilst handing him his belongings and telling him to continue being a wanker elsewhere. Oh and tell him he's now free to go bag himself some skinny celebrity, I'm sure he'll have them queuing up, being such the catch that he is :rolleyes:

I know you've said you have self-esteem issues, but rest assured, the best way to address them is to get rid of this excuse of a man and realise that the problem lies with him, not you. He is crushing your self-esteem, and it's going to be a self-perpetuating cycle.

You say he's not allowing you see your own friends as they're a "bad influence"? Yeah, he's worried they're going to tell you exactly what all the posters here are saying - that he's a horrible person and to get as far away from him as possible, as he's abusing you.

You say his family probably think he could be with someone "much better looking" - well if you told your own family how he treats you I can guarantee they would all be abhorred and tell you that you could be with someone who is a "much better person".

Get rid of this horrible guy, and get your confidence back, because he has shattered it. There are plenty of men out there who would love a chance to be with someone like you, plenty of guys dig the "nerdy" look 10 stone is not fat. You are probably unable to see your own beauty given you have an anxiety disorder, and you never will see your own beauty so long as this jerk is putting you down so abhorrently.

You are worth so much more than to be treated like that. If a friend of yours told you their boyfriend was doing all this to them, what would you say to them? You'd be horrified and tell them to get that person out of their life for good.

Be a friend to yourself. No-one should have to put up with that level of disrespect and nastiness. The only good thing I can see in all of this is that he has shown you who he really is before you made the mistake of marrying him. If he's like this now, imagine the horror he'd be if you ever got pregnant? Start to go grey? Get a wrinkle or two? Imagine what he'd be saying to your children if they were not measuring up to his impossible "beautiful celebrity" standards? I dread to think the effects that would have on the young trusting mind of a child.

Get out now, it will be the best thing you'll have ever done for your self-worth and happiness.

Jenneke87

Ctrl+Alt+Delete is the best option for this so called "fiance" Let him wallow in his own issues and misery, there's absolutely no need for him to drag you down in it as well. I'd hate to think of what would have happend to you if you two did ever made it to the altar. Work on your issues and find a man who is as good as you are. All the best!

holyhead

You wont be able to love anyone else until you learn to love yourself. Hard as you may find it remove your fiancee from your life. He is the problem not you. I was alnost moved to tears reading tears reading your post. Keep the faith you will find a guy who will love for the special girl you undoubtably are.

thefeatheredcat

Firstly OP, please do listen to the responses on here, I can only echo a lot of what is already said.

What exactly does your "boyfriend" do? Is he working, in college, on the dole, what? I ask because his absolute lack of power and control in his life really stick out a mile to me through his power and control over you that is psychological and emotional abuse.

fatandugly wrote: »

I just really want him to love me and be kind to me.

This is never going to happen. He's never going to love you for you, even if you were 8 stone or less. No matter what physical appearances you change FOR HIM he will never love you for you because he will always find some imagined fault about you that does not reflect how he sees himself in the mirror, which in his mind he sounds like he's Hercules and Mr Ideal, which I'm sure he most likely isn't, because he will always use his own insecurities and issues that he has to target you in some abusive form to feel more superior which gives him power.

I'll give you an example of what I mean; some months ago my grown up over 30 year old brother and I had a fight due to his own issues with his life is full of feeling powerless in it; he picked a fight with me and spewed out verbal abuse and attacked my physical appearance calling me "fat and ugly", him assuming it is an insecurity to me, which it isn't, although it used to be when I was a child and teen with zero self-esteem. It didn't dent me at all, because I am not fat and ugly and actually comments I've had over the last few years from both men and women have presented the fact otherwise.

He is basically looking to use you to control and manipulate you, with everything that you do, people that you see, as a result of his own issues.... he most likely has zero control over anything in his life (except for control over his body via the gym) and feels powerless so needs to act it out in taking control over you. That or being controlling is part of who he is as a person.

If anyone in his family see him for what he is really like, like you have described, they're only wondering what this decent girl is doing with a shallow person who likes to abuse others to feel like a "man".

Dump this guy OP. He can never give you the love that you so much deserve. It will be a very positive change for you to make for yourself, for you.

Please Kill Me

Good God - 10 stone is not fat!!! You're not fat, and he's just being a dick. I'm sorry, you deserve better than to put up with this kind of crap!

binxeo

I was in a very similar situation in the past. I finally got the courage to leave the guy and subsequently lost a massive amount due to the fact I was a single mum then working to two jobs I simply didn't have time to eat. Anyway, my ex saw me after I went from a size 16 to a size 8 and tried hitting on my again and made a move...he received a swift slap across the face...lol

Get out girl. Don't let any guy speak to you like that. I am with someone else now I just had a baby with this guy, I have gone back up to a size 16. My partner is all over me and fancies me and I know he loves me, cause he sees beyond weight and looks and tells me everyday he thinks I am beautiful. So there are others out there that will love you for you, not for what you look like. Get out and move on. And if you become a full member here, feel free to pm if you need support. I have been where you are and you will pull through.

estar

Hi there your domineering fiancé and lack of other outside influences and self esteem has caused you to lose perspective and accept terrible judgements from your frankly horrific and abusive fiancé. The way he has spoken to you makes me think there is something seriously wrong with his mental health. Only a sadistic person would wish to inflict such pain on another. Get away from him. As fast as you can. And see a therapist for your self esteem issues. Your life does not have to be like this. You deserve better. A man should love you as he finds you. You should not let anyone belittle you like this. You are worth more.

rebelwoman

Please get out of this abusive relationship as fast as you can. It will only get worse for you. This is not a normal relationship and you can find somebody who will value you for who you are.

strandroad

Just to confirm what the others are saying, your boyfriend is an abusive sadist who is enjoying it - no matter what you do you won't satisfy him because he found a prey in you and will not stop finding faults and punishing you for them. I don't say it often but dump him now before he crushes you. His behaviour is not normal. Run.

aidan24326

OP, I generally try to avoid this kind of sweeping statement but in your case it's highly appropriate, RUN RUN RUN!!!! Why would you want to be with someone who is such an absolute wanker? Why would you even want such a lowlife to love you? The very thought should make you feel sick.

If everyting you've said in your post is true then you're engaged to an appaling person and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if you end up staying with him then you'll have made your own bed and you will have to lie in it. Any self-respecting girl would walk away and walk fast.

homebird2011

I live in Limerick. If you want I will gladly meet up and tell you to your face whether you are fat and ugly. And don't worry I wont lie. I myself am over weight by three stone so recognize how it can affect relationships and damage your self esteem. But to be very honest I really don't think you could be at ten stone unless your four foot, and this guy sounds abusive. Please leave him. That is not Love. Love gives you strength even when things are terrible. I am sure he probably does a few nice things but are you only with him because you are afraid to be alone or do you really love him and if so don't you want him to be happy? I don't mean to sound cruel but he can not love you-even if he says he does or he would worship you regardless of how you look. By being with him you are allowing him to continue to treat you like he does. He might be different with someone he really loves, although I doubt this and think he gets off on his controlling behaviour

WindSock

OP please, you know it is not right. This behaviour from him is not ok, this relationship is abusive. You have to know it to come on here and type it to ask for advice.
Get all the strength you have in you to leave this person, he is not good to you or for you, get help, call the numbers provided at the top of this page and talk to people who can help you through it.

You are worth so much more than how you are being treated. You must realise that and try to work on loving yourself more, try to surround yourself with people who appreciate and respect you because your fiance doesn't seem to know what either of these things are and the consequences are harmful to you inside and out.

beks101

fatandugly wrote: »

Maybe I shot too high.

Oh for fúck's sake.

Honestly OP, I got angry reading your post and not because of your pathetic loser-boyfriend's bullying and abuse of you, but because you seem so willing to accept it. You believe him, don't you? You think you deserve all this.

He has you exactly where he wants you. You could be 'eight stone with skinny arms and perfect skin' and you'd still fall short, he'd still find something to bully you over so that you're made aware of how 'lucky you are to have him'. You are nothing short of an ego boost to him, an emotional punchbag who strokes his ego by allowing him to treat you like scum on his shoe, while knowing that you'll never leave him. He's trapped you into believing you can't do any better and it's a big, fat lie OP, because even if you were alone for the rest of your days you'd still have a shot at happiness or self-acceptance, something you'll NEVER have in this relationship.

And the sex comment? He wouldn't have made it through that sentence before he'd have felt the doors swinging in his face if it was me and most females reading that would tell you the same. What a disgusting man. If you slept with him after that then I am really worried for your mental health.

OP, I know you'll read through all these comments and probably feel a bit daunted, or maybe a bit 'easy for you to say', but please read your post again. Print it off and read it out loud and replace 'I' and 'my' with someone you love and care for, your sister or mother. It is acceptable behaviour? Would you support them in a relationship with a man like this?

Please summon up the strength to save yourself here. You are on a slippery slope with this...'man' doesn't even fit it...nasty piece of work and if you stay, life is just going to get worse and worse for you. It's up to you now.

baggypants

Hi OP that post made for some shocking reading , At long last you have gotten an outside perspective on your situation and it is quite clear the problem is HIM!!!! that guy sounds like an out and out Dirtbag

i will echo the great advice that has been said already get out !! get out now before it gets any worse ,because right now his treatment of you is beyond shocking , he is a wrecking ball to your self esteem and confidence and you need to jump clear !!!!!

Taltos

homebird2011

Please review our Charter.
Requesting someone to contact you or offering to meet up on PI/RI is against our Charter and is in place to protect the OP, some of whom may be very vulnerable.

Taltos

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, you do realise that all those "gorgeous celebrities" have teams of people making them look gorgeous.

Did you watch the XFactor during the audition phase? There was almost as much footage of the judges being "touched up" between contestants as there was footage of actual auditions! At one time Kelly Rowland had her lovely long sleek black hair hanging over one shoulder, and while she sat there talking to the other judges someone came in and brushed that part of her hair!

Have a look on the internet for non airbrushed pictures of celebs, or celebs with no make up on!

I'd guess you are fairly average looking. Like a lot of us! Hence why it's the "average"! I really find it hard to understand what you are getting out of this relationship that's so good that you don't want to let it go. That there is something in the relationship so wonderful that it out weighs how crappy you feel, all the time. If you had a daughter would you encourage her to settle for a relationship like this?

Everyone has the right to be happy.

YOU deserve to be happy. Why do you think you don't?

C-J

Oh my god op thats shocking. You really need to get out of this relationship its unhealthy on so many levels!! He sounds like a total idiot. The first thing that sprung to mind when you said he's going to the gym a lot more lately is that there could be somebody else? He may be that much of a coward that he's bullying you in order to make you end it because he doesn't have the balls to. Please please see a counsellor because that man has your confidence in the dirt, you sound like a beautiful person regardless of whether you're 8 stone or 18 stone. Please keep us all updated and be strong x

silly

Ohy god, this thread upsets me OP.
How DARE anyone speak to you that way, I wouldn't take that from a stranger, never mind a fiancé!
You need to get out of that relationship. Sorry to be blunt but he obviously doesn't have much love or respect for you and you need to leave him before he harms you emotionally anymore.
He is obviously no help to your anxiety problems, probably only adding to it.
At 10 stone, you are NOT fat. Don't let him tell you that you are. Don't be disrespected like you are. You deserve a whole lot more.

binxeo

I hope the OP returns to this threads and sees that this relationship is by all accounts not healthy. No one should be treated this way. I hope you find the strength to leave!

Pebbles68

Op, I can't put it any better than the other posters here so I can just restate it. Walk away and don't look back.
He has his own issues and no matter what you do he is incapable of loving you. You are a project to him. He will always find fault with you no matter what you do.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

This makes me feel awful for you and I am sorry you're going through this.
However, while i do not condone his behaviour and think it is disgusting behaviour, I'm wondering if it is possible that he has a low sex-drive. Having a low sex-drive for a man is hugely damaging emotionally, particularly for their ego and in some cases, the man will actually blame his sexual partner in hopes to take the pressure off himself. I do not, under any circumstances think he should get away with what he is doing to you but do you think it is possible that maybe he is going through some emotional termoil too and doesnt know how to deal with it?
I must admit that he sounds very sadistic and I personally would not stick this out with him, but I do think that he proberly does need some professional help.

I do think you should leave him. Every single woman deserves to be respected and appreciated and made to feel beautiful, and at 10 stone, you definately should feel confident and happy and although this guy is pushing you further and further down, you should be aware that chances are, the problem is his own and he would still have it, even if he was with one of these "slim" girls. I think you should tell this guy to go get some help and walk away.

Best of luck OP. I hope that you will let yourself heal from this loser.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

OP here. I really need to stop using this forum when he says something awful to me. This is my second time I have come here when I had no one to talk to. Several months ago, I got good advice here and we went to see a councellor in Dublin. She said that he is controlling - not in a good way/not in a bad way - just a personality trait. She said that I come across as the victim. He never bothered going back because he heard only good things about himself. I went for a time but was driving up to dublin for the session once a week. It helped but then when work got crazy busy - I was working 14 hr days, I had to stop.

I am afraid this may have set me back with my self esteem no end. I really want to start going again but maybe somewhere local. Like I said, I am working out in the gym and eating healthy-ish I could be better, OBVIOUSLY! But it has gotten to the stage that I don't know does he not love me because I have let myself go or have I stopped caring about my appearance because I now feel so unworthy/unlovable.

One of the posters wrote about her brother attacking her weight and for a minute I was thinking that she was my fiances sister. So, you see, it is not just me - he attacks everyone who he thinks does not meet his ideal.

I always get the impression that I am one of two people living in a house together and not in a connected relationship. He has always done this thing where he sums up the relationship - as if he is taking stock and about to end it. "We both have gotten something from this relationship"... etc. It makes me feel so insecure.

Anyway, I have a question, if anyone has been to a therapist in Limerick can you recommend them to me if you thought they were good.

Thanks a million,

I really needed a big hug last night when I wrote that, and I got one from all your encouraging words. So I just want to give you all a big hug back.

fungun

What do you like/love about him that makes you want to save this relationship?

imo he sees only the good in himself and accentuates that by criticising his perception of the bad in everyone else. Not what I would want to live with.

Please Kill Me

fatandugly wrote: »

Hi everyone,

OP here. I really need to stop using this forum when he says something awful to me. This is my second time I have come here when I had no one to talk to....

No you don't! If you have nobody to talk to, there are plenty of people here who can help and support you, give you advice and even tell you how they got on in similar circumstances! When you are feeling down, this is the perfect place for you to come to so you can express how you're feeling, and get the moral support you need and deserve.

We are all here for you.

Big Bag of Chips

So even for counselling it was you making the effort to drive from Limerick to Dublin. You seem to be the only one making an effort in this relationship. He just wants everything his way, without having to do much for it.

You both get something out if the relationship, according to him. He gets sex when he wants it, and you get the pleasure of having such a stud as your boyfriend... is that what he means?

Find a local counsellor. Build up your confidence, and realise that no boyfriend is better than a boyfriend who makes you feel bad about yourself.

homebird2011

homebird2011

Please review our Charter.
Requesting someone to contact you or offering to meet up on PI/RI is against our Charter and is in place to protect the OP, some of whom may be very vulnerable.

Taltos



Sorry, I just really, really want to help. No harm meant. Won't do it again.

doyle61

Hey OP, from reading your story I totally agree with the rest of the posters; this an abusive relationship and you have to get out of it. Actually this isn't even a relationship as a relationship is a partership as in 50:50, and your not being considered by your fiancé in any regard at all. For whatever reasons your fiancé seems/needs to dominate everyone around him and this will continue as he doesn't seem to see anything wrong outside of his little world. He obviously has major problems and uses the domineering of others as an ego boost. The problem though OP is that he's dominated and mentally battered you for so long now that your actually buying into his bullish!t................it's now time for you to wake up and smell the coffee: he won't change and he WILL continue to mentally abuse you for as long as your willing to accept it ie staying with him. He proved this by not changing when ye went to councling already.
Look OP, I personally think the advice of "dump him/her" is often given out WAY too easily, but in this case I'm sorry to say that this "relationship" is total poison and you HAVE to cut your losses now for your own well being. Best of luck




Ps: 10 stone overweight!!!!!!! He's a fcuking clown, your spot on weight wise for average height.............. unless your head comes up to my hip

thefeatheredcat

fatandugly wrote: »

But it has gotten to the stage that I don't know does he not love me because I have let myself go or have I stopped caring about my appearance because I now feel so unworthy/unlovable.

One of the posters wrote about her brother attacking her weight and for a minute I was thinking that she was my fiances sister. So, you see, it is not just me - he attacks everyone who he thinks does not meet his ideal.

Well I can confirm that I'm not your fiancee's sister anyway (and to be honest, if your fiancee who is supposed to love you treats you this way, I wouldn't be surprised if he treats everyone else in the same way), but with my brother he did take his issues of powerlessness out on everyone, other family members, strangers, work colleagues, friends...

Best thing I ever did was put as much distance between myself and my brother as possible and refused to engage with him on any level and would not allow for him to have any opportunity to even attempt to make me insecure or steal my happiness away from me. It allowed for me to see him for what he is and that the issue was never with me or anyone else he lashed out at, but him, his behaviour, his issues that he refused to deal with properly.

The issue surrounding your boyfriend's behaviour is all about him. It has nothing to do with your appearance.

I think that going into counselling/therapy is a good idea, but I also think that with him on the scene making you miserable, it will be counter-productive. Any gains you make dealing with your issues, his issues, will always be threatened and at some point he will make a controlling attempt to prevent you from going, because he will see you gaining power back from him. More than likely, if you gain confidence and see that you're not in the wrong, he will feel threatened that his source for him to feel more secure is being taking away and will go the route of discouraging you from going.

I think you can get through this time, but without him in your life it will be a far more positive experience for you.

Do yourself some justice and give yourself a clean slate to work with, to deal with what you face.

LegacyUser

In fairness, if hes making the effort you should be too. It must be awful for him to see his partner let herself go and put on lots of weight. If my partner did that I would definitely break up. That doesnt excuse him being an asshole to you though. I suggest ditching him and getting slender again.

Dudess

gigbd wrote: »

In fairness, if hes making the effort you should be too. It must be awful for him to see his partner let herself go and put on lots of weight. If my partner did that I would definitely break up. That doesnt excuse him being an asshole to you though. I suggest ditching him and getting slender again.

Seems like the OP is making an effort. And 10 stone - even if not always slim, is not fat. Did the OP say she put on a lot of weight?
This isn't one of those understandable cases of someone losing attraction to their partner due to the latter letting themselves go, this is a case of someone being bullying and controlling to feel better about himself, and as said, it's doubtful he'd ever be happy no matter what the OP did.

aidan24326

Dudess wrote: »

This isn't one of those understandable cases of someone losing attraction to their partner due to the latter letting themselves go

From what she's said it most certainly isn't no.

And OP, even if you had put on too much weight that still doesn't give him any right to make you feel fat and ugly. Someone who genuinely loves you would make you feel sexy and special even if you have/had put on a few pounds, so realise that this guy is a shallow, narcissistic bully and not someone to waste your time with.

He's the type of guy to run a mile from, and I'm a bit concerned that your last post made no mention of doing that. Don't be one of those girls that falls into the trap of thinking this is the best she's going to get, because by the sound of things you could be doing a whole lot better. If you choose to stay you'll have no-one to blame but yourself, you can walk away or you can be the victim. It really is your choice to make.

starlit

Walk away op. He hasn't the right to control you or manipulate you like that. He should be happy with who you are on the inside as well as the outside.
Beauty is within and at the eye of the beholder. Move onto someone who treat you right and marry you for you not for some idealistic image he wants you to portray.

x Purple Pawprints x

I'm going to agree with all the other posters. Leave him. He's a tool. You deserve a lot better than him. Ten stone is not overweight. Nothing can justify the way he treats you. He walks all over you. Whatever issues he has are his problem and it sounds like no matter how much you change or how much weight you lose (not that you need to honey), it's never going to be good enough. I really hope that you're okay OP.

gigbd wrote: »

In fairness, if hes making the effort you should be too. It must be awful for him to see his partner let herself go and put on lots of weight. If my partner did that I would definitely break up. That doesnt excuse him being an asshole to you though. I suggest ditching him and getting slender again.

So you think that someone's partner being overweight, which the OP is NOT, justifies her partner treating her like something he walked on in the street? Ten stone is not overweight, in my eyes that's a perfectly healthy weight. She has not let herself go and she doesn't need to get "slender" again.

LegacyUser

Oh God, I don't know how to reply.

Yes, I am one of these people who always needs to be in a relationship. At 32 I am afraid that I will never meet someone again. I think therapy can help me - cos thats what its there for.

I agree with you, i think he is a bully. I think he is controlling and he genuinely believes that he is too good for me. He is not bad looking. he put on about 5 stone throughout our relationship and now has shed it. He has given up drinking and he does not smoke. He is confident and outgoing. So, in a way - yeah, he does have a lot of traits that I don't have. Does that make him better than me? Im not sure.

Yes, I have put on weight. We have been together 10 years. When I met him I was around 8 stone. I always fluctuated by a couple of pounds. He didnt like my friends and I was intimidated by his friends so we mostly spent our time at home. Maybe that was the problem. We have sporting interests in common so over the last decade I have gone from a night-clubby type to a outdorsey type - less makeup, no highlights, no high heels. Not sure if this is letting myself go or just a change in my outlook. Night clubs just dont interest me any more so why would I dress like I am going out to one all the time? Also I work in academia, dress code casual - I dont work in the IFSC so maybe he thinks I could look more classy.

To be honest - he wants someone like Kate Middleton - classy and sporty. Believe me, I would love to be like that too But like the other posters said, I dont think that would make much of a difference. He would just keep changing the goal posts. Also when you are working out in the gym and he tells you that youre "big". It feicking hurts no end. I only eat healthy food but do enjoy a glass of wine.

I think his words are so harsh, I can't even repeat them. I think maybe he is looking for a way out of this relationship and maybe he is afraid to break up with me so he is trying to make me do it.

But for my reasons at the top of the thread, I know I can't. Of course I can say the words but its the months of anguish that I just can't face. I don't know how many of you know what I am talking about and maybe the idea of breaking up is compounded by the fact that I really don't have many friends. So, not only would I be losing him, I would have to start from scratch with no one to call or talk to because all my friends have moved on.

havana

OP it seems I've always been in a relationship and although my last one was very distructive I stayed for too long for many of the same reasons you talk about. It took me too long to pluck up the courage to finally leave but it was the best thing I ever did.

I took sone time out to be on my own, reconnected with my friends, lost a load of weight and generally reevaluated my outlook on life. And I've never been happier. I've now net someone new and although it's early days it's do much better than what went before. I realise now that I deserve someone who loves me just as I am.

Walking is do hard but the fear of it is worse than the actual going and the heartbreak at the start will give way to a much better future.

Good luck x

Fox McCloud

His strategy is working perfectly OP.
Cut off the friends; Check
Undermine your confidence to the point you think you don't deserve any better; Check
Make you feel awful and control you so he feels better and in control of something; Check!

The reason there's a check list is because he's not the first guy to use these tactics to do this. Google checklist for abusive relationship and you will spot a lot of his behavior in it.

The thing is, you do recognize this in him, which is great and one step forward.. BUT you don't recognize that the way you fear leaving him.. he put that there. On purpose. Because what good is a doormat if they fight back?! He's not going to be able to use you to make himself feel better if your full of confidence! If you did get ridiculously slim and put the extreme amounts of time into looking like a super model do you think he would be happy?! Hell no, he would find another way to crush you and fast! If you have friends they will offer you perspective and look after you, so he got rid of them. I bet he would freak if he knew you were posting here because we're giving you what friends would.. some perspective.

You need to realise that being alone isn't something to be afraid of. Being with a horrible bully for the rest of your life, tied to him through marriage; that is something to fear.

fatandugly

fatandugly wrote: »

But for my reasons at the top of the thread, I know I can't. Of course I can say the words but its the months of anguish that I just can't face. I don't know how many of you know what I am talking about and maybe the idea of breaking up is compounded by the fact that I really don't have many friends. So, not only would I be losing him, I would have to start from scratch with no one to call or talk to because all my friends have moved on.

This part kinda struck me. You may not have friends now but you could make some. There is another forum on boards where people are looking to make new friends and find themselves in similar situations where their usual friends have moved on or moved away etc. Really, you aren't alone in that, and you don't have to be alone.
I think you would rather be happy with a group of friends than listen to this abuse, no?
I know it's hard, a lot of us have been through the anguish. But in the long run, it's better to have it and get it over with and then move on, than continue to exist miserably indefinitely.

LegacyUser

Op you mention fear of the future and what it might bring if you break up with him, but if you marry this fool are you planning on having kids with him as well?
Jeez there are lots of threads on boards about people who grew up in **** relationships and it doesn't exactly do them any favours, so if you are planning a future with this fool think of the crap environment your future kids will have to grow up in.
Its no fun growing up in an environment where both parents are fighting and abusing each other.
He is an abusive person and a control freak, he didn't like your friends so now you have none.
Time to get out while you can otherwise you don't know what will happen down the line. He is currently on the emotional and verbal abuse line, how long before he starts physically abusing you as well?

strandroad

fatandugly wrote: »

But for my reasons at the top of the thread, I know I can't. Of course I can say the words but its the months of anguish that I just can't face. I don't know how many of you know what I am talking about and maybe the idea of breaking up is compounded by the fact that I really don't have many friends. So, not only would I be losing him, I would have to start from scratch with no one to call or talk to because all my friends have moved on.

And for this reason you want to be bullied and demeaned until the end of your life (or, more correctly, until he gets bored with you and throws you aside)? Cop on girl. Your issues may very well stem from the fact that you are constantly humiliated at home and separated from your friends, anyone would be affected by this. Freedom may very well cure you because you will be in control again.

Dudess

The OP knows this man is not good for her, but it's easier said than done to just get out. He has chipped away at her self esteem to the point that she is now dependent on him for any crumbs he throws her way. Ten years of this - she can't be expected to just cut ties.

I know people are well meaning but it's a mixed message to say to the OP that her confidence is shot to the point that she feels lucky to have him... And then tell her to develop super-strength and just walk.

What you need to do OP is fill the void where your self esteem should be - baby steps. This will make you stronger to leave him.

It's vital you go for counselling.

LegacyUser

Has anyone even considered the possibility that her other half is just completely and utterly frustrated that shes not even making an effort to change?

From the sounds of things she still drinks wine (loads of calories) and doesn't go the gym at all. More than anything he may not be pissed that shes gained weight, but that shes making no effort to actually lose it despite the fact that hes finding himself not attracted to her anymore.

No offence but if my other half gained 13kilos and did nothing to change I would be incredibly pissed especially when I'm making an effort to look my best.

Maybe hes tried the nice approach and just feels hes not getting through.