Issue with flatmates - what should I do?

Saaron

Hi guys, just looking for a bit of advice here.

My boyfriend and I live in a flat with our new flatmates (it's their first time living away from home) who have been here just over a month. They're also a couple. We get on well, they have started to help out with the cleaning, they're not too noisy and although they spend every minute of the day in the sitting room we get on well.

I'm just a bit confused as to what to do as I haven't shared with many people before.

Recently our flatmates have been having friends/family over to stay quite regularly without even telling us and often we'll come down to use the sitting room in the morning and someone is asleep on the sofa so we can't go in to get our stuff or to just sit and have breakfast while watching tv. They tend to sleep until lunch time so we have to wait before we can get in there and by the time they're up they've taken over the sitting room so I just stay in my bedroom

It's beginning to get annoying as I feel like I can't even use the room anymore since they regularly have people in there and especially people asleep in there (not to mention I bought the television for the room and can rarely get to use it now). Along with that they will spend the rest of the day taking turns to shower which doesn't leave much time for us to use it..

Obviously they don't have people staying every night but they'll have people over for maybe two or three nights then a few days later they'll have more people staying for a few nights. One of their sisters stayed nearly the whole of the Hallowe'en midterm. All of which we never knew about until the next morning.

Even this morning I couldn't sleep so went down to watch tv as my Boyfriend was annoyed that I was keeping him awake. I walked into the sitting room to find someone curled up asleep.

My boyfriend works a lot and spends most of his time in our games room playing xbox so he doesn't really care which makes me feel like I'm over-reacting.

I'm wondering when people normally share a flat do they have limits to how many days a week everyone should have people staying over?

I feel like it would be fair if they could have friends over when they like but maybe only two or three nights for people to stay over?

Any advice would be appreciated as I don't want to fall out with them over this!

phelixoflaherty

Get yer own place

Saaron

Thanks, but I currently live here and need genuine advice :rolleyes:

The_Conductor

Saaron wrote: »

Thanks, but I currently live here and need genuine advice :rolleyes:

It probably is genuine advice.
People do take liberties- unless there are groundrules laid out in advance.
If you cause a fuss now- after the fact, you're going to be made out to be the big bad witch.
Unless it was expressly spelt out by both couples in advance that family/friends/hangers-on were not to stay over without discussing it with the other couple in advance- well, you're on a loosing battle.

As a generalisation- if you're couple- go rent your own place, it doesn't really matter whether you're staying with singletons or another couple- you are going to grate with one another over something or the other- it could be hogging the bathroom, kitchen habits, cleaning, grocery shopping, leaving the heating on etc etc etc........

I would strongly advise putting up with the current situation now- until such time as you manage to get your own place- if you go and make a big deal out of it- you are going to be made out to be the problem, no matter how you try to reason with them.......

awec

I would explain to them that it's your living room too and as such they should ask you if it's ok, in the same way you would ask them if you were having friends staying over.

It does seem excessive, you could understand it once every so often if someone stayed over after a night out or something, but a few times a week is too much.

Oh, and if you need to get stuff out of the living room go in and get the stuff. Wouldn't worry about waking anyone up, it's your house, you pay the rent.

listermint

smccarrick wrote: »

It probably is genuine advice.
People do take liberties- unless there are groundrules laid out in advance.
If you cause a fuss now- after the fact, you're going to be made out to be the big bad witch.
Unless it was expressly spelt out by both couples in advance that family/friends/hangers-on were not to stay over without discussing it with the other couple in advance- well, you're on a loosing battle.

As a generalisation- if you're couple- go rent your own place, it doesn't really matter whether you're staying with singletons or another couple- you are going to grate with one another over something or the other- it could be hogging the bathroom, kitchen habits, cleaning, grocery shopping, leaving the heating on etc etc etc........

I would strongly advise putting up with the current situation now- until such time as you manage to get your own place- if you go and make a big deal out of it- you are going to be made out to be the problem, no matter how you try to reason with them.......

Solid Sound Advice.

petethebrick

The first thing you need to do is tell your flatmates exactly what you have posted here. Tell them that you don't mind them having guests but that the living room is a common room and that guests should sleep on the floor of their bedroom most of the time. Advise them to get an air mattress for example.Hopefully your flatmates will be receptive to this.

The second thing is that you should never feel like you can't go in your own living room. My flatmates often had mates sleep on the couch. I would simply open the curtains and windows and turn on the TV (loudly!) - they would always soon get up. It's ridiculous that you would wait until lunchtime when they get up

So basically be diplomatic with your flatmates yet affirmative when their guests interfere with your enjoyment of your own home

petethebrick

smccarrick wrote: »

I would strongly advise putting up with the current situation now- until such time as you manage to get your own place- if you go and make a big deal out of it- you are going to be made out to be the problem, no matter how you try to reason with them.......

Good proper Irish advice there! Nonsense by the way! Don't listen to this OP

You can be diplomatic without being aggressive. Most people are receptive when you air genuine concerns - the flatmates may not realize that the OP feels so put out by their guests

awec

petethebrick wrote: »

The first thing you need to do is tell your flatmates exactly what you have posted here. Tell them that you don't mind them having guests but that the living room is a common room and that guests should sleep on the floor of their bedroom most of the time. Advise them to get an air mattress for example.Hopefully your flatmates will be receptive to this.

The second thing is that you should never feel like you can't go in your own living room. My flatmates often had mates sleep on the couch. I would simply open the curtains and windows and turn on the TV (loudly!) - they would always soon get up. It's ridiculous that you would wait until lunchtime when they get up

So basically be diplomatic with your flatmates yet affirmative when their guests interfere with your enjoyment of your own home

Exactly!

If you are a guest in someone's house you don't dictate the time that people can start making noise etc.

mymo

You say its their first time living away from home, I would talk to them calmly and explain that its generally excepted that people can stay over occasionally, but that normally the other tenants would be informed in advance where possible. Tell them this is what has happened in the past for you, and that you didn't mention it as it is the norm and you thought they would know this.
Let them know you have stuff you need to do in the mornings and need access to the room (the common room, not an extra bedroom) and would like some advance warning. (and to be asked if it was ok)
Unless they are complete arses they should be fine with this, they are grown ups and live in the real world. If they don't get this then I would be looking for a place elsewhere asap.

Just a side note, are both couples on the lease?
Or is it just you and your partner?

Spiritofthekop

Sounds like a nightmare to be honest, although I am much older now.

Ive lived in situations like that before & I quickly let the them know that im the one paying rent not your friends who are staying all the time. No problems, the good respectful people stayed & the rude ignorant left.

It was still a fun party house at the weekend but when my flat mates had something to do early the next day I respected it & made sure the house was quiet & no random people sleeping in living room or parties were happening that night & vice versa.

You seem like you dont want to upset people & maybe your boyfriend needs to get off his xbox & fix the situation.

You pay good money to live somewhere & you should not have to put up with other people taking the P### & showing no respect.

Otherwise if they dont show you any courtasy...just look to move somewhere else were you will find peace & quiet.

Saaron

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.

Just to let you know, we're all quite young. The eldest being 22 and the youngest being 19. Three of us students and my boyfriend the only one working part-time. We can't really afford to live on our own as we don't have high incomes.

The building is owned by my Grandmother so she let us rent out one of her smaller apartments and even though we still have to pay rent, bills etc I probably wouldn't be moving out as it's just more convenient for me to live there.

Hopefully we can talk to them today and sort something out without them taking it the wrong way. It's probably best they only have people over to stay occasionally yet they can still have friends over regularly so long as they go home at the end of the day.

awec

If it's owned by your grandmother then I imagine you're in a pretty good position to request they change their current behaviour.

the_syco

Saaron wrote: »

The building is owned by my Grandmother so she let us rent out one of her smaller apartments and even though we still have to pay rent, bills etc I probably wouldn't be moving out as it's just more convenient for me to live there.

I'm taking it that there are several apartments in the building, and you are just in one?

=-=

As for the people staying over, meh. If you want to use the living room, do so, or you'll be seen as a doormat that can be stood on without protest.

stargazer 68

the_syco wrote: »

As for the people staying over, meh. If you want to use the living room, do so, or you'll be seen as a doormat that can be stood on without protest.

Have to agree - use the living room when you want to and not when they want you to!

Saaron

My Grandmother owns the flat but I don't think that gives me more authority over anyone else living here..

And, yes there are three other apartments in the building, all rented by professionals. We're the only young-ish people/students in the building.

solovely

I have been in your position plenty of times over the years, having rented for over 10 years and then having lodgers for the past 2 and a half years.

My advice would be

- continue as normal when visitors stay over. Go into the sitting room, turn on the TV, turn on the lights, get stuff out of the room. It's your sitting room, you're paying rent, you have no reason to feel bad or feel put out.

- have a word with the other couple. Say you don't mind people staying over, but if they could let you know at least a day in advance that would be great.

- bring your own friends in to stay over, that might give them the hint.

- if the continue to have friends over so much, you will need to draw up some kind of "rules", but better to do this casually - things like housemates get priority over the shower, if someone stays longer than a week, they contribute to bills, etc.

To be fair, if they have just moved out of home, it's probably the novelty of having their own place and it will wear off pretty quickly.
But just remember that you are the ones paying rent, so you live your life as you always do and let them row in with whatever you do.

jenizzle

Dovies wrote: »

Have to agree - use the living room when you want to and not when they want you to!

Another +1. Couldn't give a hoot in the morning who is having a snooze on the couch - if you want to sit down and eat yer brekkie, then do so!

athtrasna

OP, you say they have only been living with you just over a month and already this is a problem. Do you have a record of how many nights this has been the case..like with midterm.

To be honest if I lived with someone for four weeks and they had had overnight guests using a common room as an extra bedroom for 1/4 or more of that time, I would be majorly p*ssed off. Definitely think you need to talk to them, explain that occasional guests are not an issue but any more than one or two nights a month is taking the proverbial. Guests should always be accommodated in their room unless in exceptional circumstances, when you should have prior notice.

As the others have said, it's a shared area of the apartment, do NOT let their guests stop you from using the facilities you pay for.

Lantus

learning to live with others is a life skill!

there is nothing wrong with establishing some informal rules to ensure you are all living harmoniously with each other. Be polite and just say you dont mind the occassional guest but notice is required out of courtesy.

You are the rent payer, not the guest.

Victor

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054867603

House guests are guests - they have no rights. All guests are the responsibility of the resident hosting them.

A resident should not normally have a guest stay more than a total of two nights in any seven or more than five nights in any thirty. Such guests should not normally have keys.

Not more than twice per year*, a resident may have a guest stay for 7 consecutive nights. There should be a minimum 3-week break between these stays. Such guests may be allowed keys. Such guests should be introduced to each of the residents at the start of the stay.

Guests sleeping in shared space have no right to privacy or quite occupation.


* Using either the calendar year or the year starting on the date of first occupation of the premises by the resident.

dory

Why not ask for the guests to either sleep in the games room or their own bedroom? There's no way I would put up with someone in my living room til lunch. I'd at the very least go in and get my stuff, might open a curtain or two to get them moving too.