34 single and want a baby

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Ok as the title says, I'm 34, single and would love a baby. i had managed to not think about it till 3 months ago and my sister had my first nephew (nephew or niece).

and now its all i can think of. for the last few years i've concentrated on meeting a man. it hasn't worked out. I'm not sure the man i'm looking for exists.. but besides all that I'm happy out being single. Of course there are many elements of a relationship that I miss.. but i guess i'm a bit jaded listening to friends and all their marital/relationship woes.. i have none of these problems being single..

so anyways back to the baby thing.. i'm thinking of maybe trying to go it alone. not immediately as i'm not currently in a financial position to have a baby but in the next couple of years.. is it possible for a single person to use a sperm donor. are there any clinics in Ireland that support this? or would i have to go abroad?

thanks..

jimmycrackcorm

Its somewhat mean to go out of your way to deprive a child of having a father, which is what you are doing regardless of the fact that many single mothers are in that position.

Why do you think you aren't sure the man you are looking for doesn't exist?

KittyeeTrix

If you want a baby OP have one....... Some kids I grew up with would've been better off if they didn't have the waste of space fathers they had and a few lost good fathers due to illness and death!!

Dolbert

Have you thought about freezing your eggs OP?

solovely

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Its somewhat mean to go out of your way to deprive a child of having a father, which is what you are doing regardless of the fact that many single mothers are in that position.

Why do you think you aren't sure the man you are looking for doesn't exist?

Don't mind that eejit - if a child is completely loved and adored by one parent and has good male role models, then it's much better off that half the kids out there being born without a thought about them or their future. I presume your desire to have a child is not an entirely selfish thing. It's a natural urge for a woman to want to have a child to nurture, to care for, I don't see how, in any way, that's selfish (unless you're 16 and doing it for benefits or attention!!).

I often had the notion that if I got myself in that situation, I'd look for a gay couple to be donors - that way you get Dads who care, a break when they take the child (i.e. shared custody) and financial support, but I'm sure logistically it's not as simple as my fantasy notion.

I'm sure there's plenty of sperm clinics, I'd imagine your first stop would be your GP or a family planning clinic. I know you say you are not financially in a position to do so now, but the longer you leave it, the harder, and probably more expensive it would be.

Would you think of adopting a baby from a foreign country? I know of a single woman in her late 30s who did this, and it worked out great for her. Again, though, I imagine it's very expensive.

I think the biggest thing to think of here is your support system and to talk to them about it in advance of doing anything. You could have, what you think are the greatest family ever, but spring this on them, and their support could dwindle (hopefully not). It would be really important to talk this out with as many people as you know in advance, and if you can find anyone else who did it, even better.

Distorted

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Its somewhat mean to go out of your way to deprive a child of having a father, which is what you are doing regardless of the fact that many single mothers are in that position.

Why do you think you aren't sure the man you are looking for doesn't exist?

Speaking as someone who has been a child myself, I think I would rather be born, even without a father!

Taltos

solovely wrote: »

Don't mind that eejit -...

solovely - please keep your replies civil.

As per Board's faq -
specifically: Comment on the post not the poster.

Taltos

I am a friend

There are no options to freeze your eggs in the south.

If you simply google sperm donation Ireland you will get a number of clinic who can do it for you countrywide.

I had looked, on a very high level, a couple of years back but never progressed it. Don't let anyone here put you off. If that's what you want and you have the financial and emotional strength and family support to have and raise a Kid then do so.

username123

Ive a friend thinking along the same lines. Without getting dragged into the morality of depriving a child of a father, from a practical perspective, unless you have plenty of support from family and friends and be in a good financial position - it can be very difficult.

I know a number of single mothers - fathers of various levels of assistance, including two where there is no involvement at all from the fathers. Its hard for the girls. One case has very little family support, not from any sense of meaness, just that her own parents are old and quite ill so not able to help out practically and she only has siblings who live out of the country so no support there, no friends with children, no involvelemt from the childs father or his family, so she really doesnt have any backup and is frequently unable to go to any kind of event or do anything for herself (for example she wants to learn to drive but has no one easily available to mind her child during the lessons), if she gets sick herself she has to just get on with it - so its hard from that perspective. Thats an extreme of course, but those kinds of practical issues would crop up to a greater or lesser degree for a lot of single mothers. That particular girl often says she wishes she had just one evening a week where she could come in from work and let her partner take over so she could put her feet up - but obviously, with no partner, not much chance of meeting one, and the lack of support - thats not going to happen anytime soon. The relentlessness of single parenting can be difficult - obviously if there is a good support system with family and friends it takes a lot of that pressure off.

Thats really the biggest area of concern Id have if I was thinking about going it alone.

All that said - a lot of the above is a temporary situation as when the child grows older and is going to clubs, classes, sports etc.. there will be a lot more times when mammy can come home and relax for a bit alone. And babysitting will be easier to arrange for a 10 year old than a 2 year old. There will be sleepovers etc... But it can be very hard for a few years.

wylo

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Its somewhat mean to go out of your way to deprive a child of having a father, which is what you are doing regardless of the fact that many single mothers are in that position.

Why do you think you aren't sure the man you are looking for doesn't exist?

This is irresponsible and dated advice. Please don't allow comments like this stop you from trying to reproduce.

iguana

I know someone who went ahead with it but had to go to North America in order to get a sperm donor. European countries mostly have very strict guidelines about how many children may be born from each donor and many no longer allow donor anonymity. So there are far fewer donors and a small limit of times those few willing donors may father children.

In the UK for example there is no donor anonymity and each donor may father 10 children (though sperm donation) into the whole world. In Canada and most of the US donors may choose to remain forever anonymous and they can father (through sperm donation) 25 children into each population of 800,000 and 850,000 respectively. That means that there are a lot more donors and each of those donors could potentially be the biological father of 75 children to mothers from Leinster. So you are just not very likely to get sperm in Europe as the waiting lists are very long, while in north America you can more or less get it as soon as you wish as long as you pass whatever mental/physical criteria in place for the women.

The big problem with that is that it is expensive as you will have to travel over and back, pay for accommodation and medical fees. There is a possibility that you will be advised to undergo certain fertility treatments to improve your ability to conceive. You may very well have to do this several times as there is no guarantee you will get pregnant right off (or at all). Basic insemination only has an 8% success rate so you may be advised to go for a more complex insemination method, including IVF, to improve your chances. But the more complex the method, the more expensive.

If this is something you are serious about you should investigate it heavily and if you don't already have a healthy savings account, you should start saving as much as possible as this may be an expensive journey. Which will be followed by all of the expenses of what will be truly single parenthood.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Firstly thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.

I have a great family and am fortunate to have parents that are young (not yet 60) and very healthy. I have not discussed this with them yet, but I would not proceed with this unless I knew that they were both 100% behind it.

Financially, I've a good job but at the moment it does not provide maternity cover. So I'd look to changing jobs to a company that would provide this. (I work in IT so thankfully moving jobs is not a problem)

Some of your replies have made me think.. I'm afraid that I'm being selfish even considering this.. as it is all about what I want. But i do know that I would love and care for and provide for any child that I would be lucky enough to call mine. Adoption was not something I'd thought of but is something that i will look into. With so many children needing love, it looks like a less selfish way of having a child. however again I'm afraid that my single status would disqualify me. But I wont know until I investigate further..

The suggestion of finding a Gay couple is also an interesting idea.. It has the potential of being the perfect solution.. I also think that there are problems with this.. If i had close friends that were interested then that could work. However I don't have any Gay friends so i'd be looking at strangers... and that could leading to many problems..

ok.. lots of food for thought.. thanks again.

iguana

wantababy wrote: »

Some of your replies have made me think.. I'm afraid that I'm being selfish even considering this.. as it is all about what I want. But i do know that I would love and care for and provide for any child that I would be lucky enough to call mine. Adoption was not something I'd thought of but is something that i will look into. With so many children needing love, it looks like a less selfish way of having a child. however again I'm afraid that my single status would disqualify me. But I wont know until I investigate further..

Nothing about it is selfish. Comments about deliberately depriving a child of their father are ridiculous. It's not as if you would be nastily cutting a child's father out of it's life against both of their best interests. You would be creating a child who would not otherwise exist.

Adoption is possible for single people in Ireland but there are almost no babies placed for adoption so you would most likely be adopting an older child if you go down that route. Often these children have been removed from abusive/neglectful homes so it's not a scenario that a lot of people feel cut out for. A lot of countries that people adopt babies from like Russia and China often don't allow single people to adopt and if they do adoption costs will often run toward €20k.

wantababy wrote: »

The suggestion of finding a Gay couple is also an interesting idea.. It has the potential of being the perfect solution.. I also think that there are problems with this.. If i had close friends that were interested then that could work. However I don't have any Gay friends so i'd be looking at strangers... and that could leading to many problems..

I don't know much about this but there was an article in the Guardian a few weeks ago about how this works for one set of co-parents, from the point of view of the biological father. It might be an interesting read for you.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/oct/01/coronation-street-charlie-condou-gay-dad?INTCMP=ILCNETTXT3487

I am a friend

You don't have to travel abroad for sperm donation it can all be done here. Just contact the various clinics you get when you google sperm
Donation. The donors I believe are mainly Danish...

iguana

I am a friend wrote: »

You don't have to travel abroad for sperm donation it can all be done here. Just contact the various clinics you get when you google sperm
Donation. The donors I believe are mainly Danish...

You don't have to travel, but it can take a very long time to get a match here. The person I know did it at a time when there were 2 clinics in Ireland and sperm was still coming from the UK as well as Denmark and she found it would take her several years to get a donor whereas she could do it within months in the US.

BraziliaNZ

Why do you want a baby? Why are you not content with yourself? Are you looking to focus on something else to avoid your obvious unhappiness? I think this is pathetic. Sort yourself out, stop trying to look for something else to avoid your unhappiness.

Acoshla

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Why do you want a baby? Why are you not content with yourself? Are you looking to focus on something else to avoid your obvious unhappiness? I think this is pathetic. Sort yourself out, stop trying to look for something else to avoid your unhappiness.

Some people want to have children during the course of their lives, others don't. The OP wants them and is being proactive at 34 instead of maybe waiting another 10 years while her fertility disappears. It doesn't mean it's pathetic, it's a natural thing to want in your life, it doesn't mean someone isn't content with themselves.

OP with regards to the having no father thing, I have one of them and he's worse than useless, not having him wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference to my life, my mother supported me financially, emotionally and every other which way and I'm "normal"! I think single people can adopt, I know my mother looked into fostering and she was single.

I am a friend

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Why do you want a baby? Why are you not content with yourself? Are you looking to focus on something else to avoid your obvious unhappiness? I think this is pathetic. Sort yourself out, stop trying to look for something else to avoid your unhappiness.

It's your response that's pathetic.

You don't have to be unhappy to want a baby. Do you think it's only married people who want kids?

LegacyUser

My concern is that this has only come into your head in the past 3 months.

I certainly wouldn't be rushing into single motherhood.

It is NOT fun. I would be waiting for several years and seeing if this is still something you really want to go ahead with before making any further moves on the matter. You never know, you might meet your dream man during that time!

In between, spoil your nephew, volunteer to babysit him to give your sister a break, spend time with him and see if this is definitely what you want.

liquoriceall

Hi OP Im 30 but have made the decision that if Im still single at 35 i will have a baby through sperm donor, this is something I have already discussed with my mother, sister and brother and alll are supportive, you would be amazed by how positive your family can be.
If you are really interested there is a singles thread over on fertility friends (donor) You are not alone!!

estar

Hi I don't think it's pathetic to Want a child it's natural for some people to want a family of their own. That said single motherhood with no father is difficult and challenging for many though not all. read about accounts of children born from sperm donation, mind your nephew for prolonged periods of time if possible, talk to your family and friends and make an informed decision. If I was to have a child with a gay couple or any couple I would want to know them personally to ensure the cooperation necessary would be possible and that I knew the people insde and out and there was mutual trust and respect on both sides. Don't give up hope on sharing your life with a partner either. Best of luck.

username123

I am a friend wrote: »

It's your response that's pathetic.

You don't have to be unhappy to want a baby. Do you think it's only married people who want kids?

+1

ash23

OP I'm in the position of being the mother of child where the father has no involvement. I have thought about the future and whether I'd like to have more children or not.
And the answer is that I do. But not like this. I don't ever want to bring a child up on my own again. Now, I know there are no assurances or guarantees in life but I wouldn't choose this for myself or my child again.
Financially it's a big struggle. Timewise it's stressful. Emotionally it's draining. And as my daughter gets older the questions and ramifications about her father (or lack of) become harder and harder to deal with. It does have an affect and that shouldn't be forgotten.

Of course I adore my child. She is the centre of my universe. But I love her so much I want the best for her. And I don't think that what she has (just me, juggling it all) is as good as what she deserves.

Also on a personal level, it's a lot harder to have a relationship when you have a child. Again there's the financial issues, the time and the emotional side of it. A lot (and I mean a LOT) of men are put off at the prospect of a woman having a child. Before i had my child I found relationships easy to come by, boyfriends were easy to come by. Now she's here it's not easy at all. I find it a substantial enough barrier.

I don't mean to be a negative nelly OP but this is a relatively sudden and new thought you've had and the result of a new baby arriving into your life.
I just want you to consider the realities of single parenting and be aware before making such a massive decision.

Firetrap

sajkdfld wrote: »

My concern is that this has only come into your head in the past 3 months.

I certainly wouldn't be rushing into single motherhood.

It is NOT fun. I would be waiting for several years and seeing if this is still something you really want to go ahead with before making any further moves on the matter. You never know, you might meet your dream man during that time!

In between, spoil your nephew, volunteer to babysit him to give your sister a break, spend time with him and see if this is definitely what you want.

I agree with this. I'm not saying your desire to have a baby isn't genuine but it is telling that it was only when your sister had one that you began to want one. It is good that you don't want to have one straight away. There's no harm in doing the groundwork in the meantime but certainly I think you should examine closer the reasons why this came up now. Is it because you've come to the realisation that you might not meet Mr Right and a baby would fill that void? Just a thought

CyberJuice

you could do internet dating, you could go on 1 date eac week,after about 15 weeks you should have found a decent enough guy that would you like to go on a second and third date with,and then let a relationship develop,after a couple months you could tell him how you feel regarding babies and see if hes game

I am a friend

I think I would rather go down the donor route than have kids with a man who would do so after a couple of months dating :rolleyes:

tenchi-fan

Dolorous wrote: »

Have you thought about freezing your eggs OP?

Not an option. They don't last long after being frozen.

Op, your best option is to look for a partner.

CyberJuice

I am a friend wrote: »

I think I would rather go down the donor route than have kids with a man who would do so after a couple of months dating :rolleyes:

is that really better for the kid in the long run,some donor the kid will never know or a loving man who may be gettin into his late thirties early fourties and realises he would like to have a child before he gets too old

Greaney

I know some people here have used the word selfish but it's a very natural thing to desire a family. I'm a single Mum. It was tough. That's all I'll say, but I guess you know that anyway:rolleyes:

Have you thought about fostering. It mightn't be for you but there are so many children out there who need a home but because adoptions not an option they have to live 'in care'. I've had friends who've fostered and this is what they've said...

1) Foster a baby.
Unless you have the heart, the home and the skill to deal with behavioral issues the younger child has not developed these habits.

2) Think long and hard about it.
They took courses, etc. and ended up fostering three boys (all brothers), then a daughter. Because of the Parent situation with these kids (acute, long term heroine use), the children have been with them almost all their lives now. This means the parents fell off the radar years ago, are missing and the chances of adopting are very high.

Goodness, I hope this isn't lousy advice but I'm just wondering if your 'longing' may be the answer to a little boy or girls dreams/needs.

I am a friend

CyberJuice wrote: »

is that really better for the kid in the long run,some donor the kid will never know or a loving man who may be gettin into his late thirties early fourties and realises he would like to have a child before he gets too old

You are missing the point. How many guys are going to agree to having a kid a couple of months into a new relationship.

Sleepy

Not sure what end of IT you're in OP but in most positions it's hardly a 9 to 5 job. Childcare arrangements are tough at the best of times but were I raising my children on my own I know for a fact I couldn't maintain my current position due to the hours and need for travel and anyone I know in IT that's had to move to more family friendly positions have done so at significant pay cuts.

Of course it's not a valid reason not to continue on the path you're considering but it's worth factoring into the decision and could have a big impact on how you and any child would live.