How to deal with girlfriends grown up daughter (&boyfriend)

LegacyUser

Goin Anon for this ..
Background.
We're both 40s & divorced...I'm normally a chatty happy helpful chap .. she's more quiet and reserved.
We were living in her house for last two years which she sold two weeks ago (divorce) and we're now renting and intend(ed) buying together in year or so.
We get along quite well, have good jobs and money is fine...so I should be happy starting our new life together, but I'm not, I'm completely unhappy, sad, angry, distressed etc etc

The issue is her 23 daughter that lives with us, finished college this year, lazy, rude, arrogant, selfish, anti social, etc etc ..and it's not just me that says that .. lots of people agree.
Her mums bday was a wee while back..not even a card..
She leaves dirt and food and junk all over the house, never cleans anything, does nothing..wont go to seek a job...sleeps in the bed with days old food on plates in the bed with her..never does ought about the house...
She landed home the other eve with her ex in tow, nothing said even to her mum who proceeds to cook him dinner .. three days later he's all but living here, in the house I rent with her mum...

Living room is taken over in the evening so cant even look at my TV...food and plates left in kitchen, doors not locked at night..papers and stuff just dropped on floor..
Basically she (and he) treat us and our house as a squat.
In the two years with her mum this is the daughter's 5th boyfriend that 'lives' with us..

I've a 17 year old that really doesnt want to stay with me over cos of the goings on...

Two weeks in the house, two weeks into our future and I'm considering leaving...
Her mum agrees with what I say but does fcuk all about it ... and still treats her like a baby...she is supposed to be emigrating in new year but that will NEVER happen .. she went to work in London summer 2010..came back after 3 weeks (all costing her mum a fortune as she ha paid for summer's rent in London etc)
She only has 1 friend and rarely goes out anywhere..

We had agreed to buy a house together in year or so but I wont be buying any house for her daughter to live in..some of my friends have told me to never do ought that ties me to the daughter..

and it's not just me she's rude arrogant etc with so its nought to do with me being with her mum..

I honestly dont know what to do..she's too arrogant to ever try reason with..

Help...................

Taltos

Better here I think.

Taltos

ash23

It's a tough one OP because (as a mum myself) it's hard to see fault in your own children.
But at the same time, no way should you have to put up with this in your own home.

I'd just say again to your OH that you want the two of you to start your relationship in your own home with the grownup kids visiting as opposed to living there. It's half your home (assuming you're paying half the rent) and you have a right to say who stays there.

If you've mentioned it before and nothing has been done, it might be ultimatum time. But only give the ultimatum if you are prepared to walk away if she chooses to side with her daughter.
She isn't doing her daughter any favours by bailing her out all the time.

Beruthiel

MrBlah,

I also have a 23 year old daughter. Never in a million years would she treat me like that.
Why? Because she know's better. I would never allow it.

Your partners daughter has no respect for her mother. That is because her mother never taught her respect and boundaries.
In fact, she enables her bad behaviour.
It is quite possible to have a great relationship with your daughter and still have that respect.

I lay the blame for this situation solely at your partners feet OP. She has allowed her daughter to treat her like this. Respect is taught from a young age.
Knowing what your parent will and won't put up with is taught from young age.

What can you do?
I'm not quite sure.
I'm going to guess that your partner is afraid to say or do anything unless she looses her daughter.
If you come between that, it will be held against you.

Were I you, I would talk to your partner and tell her how you feel.
My daughter knows that if she wants to live with her b/f, she can do it elsewhere.
My home is my castle and I want to be 100% comfortable in it.
I would have no problem with him coming to stay one night, but there wouldn't be a hope in hell of me ever letting them live under my roof.
I like my privacy too much.
At 23 they are adults and need to leave the nest and live their own lives.

There is nothing like a bit of incentive.
Were my daughter to behave like your partners, this is what I would do:
Tell her that she is living free gratis under your roof and from now on the follow rules apply:
No b/f's over. If she wants to spend the night with him, find somewhere else to do it.
Rent must be paid from now on, if not, give her a list of jobs which will be done round the house.
Ask her on a daily basis what she did to find a job today.

That might be enough to encourage her to find a job and rent her own place.
It should be her mother who does the above btw. If you do it, you'll be the bad guy.
Good luck!

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.

Thanks for replies...I'm kinda numb with unhappiness at this stage.

I walked to work this morn..just to think about things..
I agree with ye that respect is the key..she has no respect for me, her mum or anyone or anything..
And again I know only too well that it's her mum's (and dad's ) fault..her whole life she has been treated with kid gloves and spoiled..all through college when her class mates were struggling to find work to help them manage, her mum drove her to college ever morning and home and gave her €140 'pocket money' per week..and what did she get in return? Arrogance and rudeness...

I was asked thsi morning what was wrong with me and I said I was very unhappy and that it wasn't because of her but because of the daughter..
She said she'll talk to daughter and from now on BF can only stay one night a week..I dont believe this for one minute..

However I had my mind made up on walk to work, and your responses confirmed it to me..

I need respect in my own home...I need to feel I can go home and shut the world outside..I cant do this..
I'm going out to match this eve after work and debating staying over with a friend as I cant face being in the same house as the daughter and bf...

When I think about last night..her mum was out at a work do and I was picking her up at 11pm...I went over and stayed with a mate cos I couldnt bear being at home..in the house I rent and pay bills for .. this cant happen again !!

Squiggler

Mr BlahBlah, as another poster said your wife has allowed her daughter to disrespect her... but now she is allowing that same daughter to disrespect you. That shows a dreadful lack of consideration, coming from someone who says that she loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you.

I've never been in your position with someone that I was romantically involved with so I can't say for certain how I would react, but in the past I lived with good friends who abused our living arrangement by moving boyfriends in without asking and allowing friends to stay over (with random sexual partners) without warning me. My solution, when calm discussion didn't improve things, then was to leave in order to save the friendship.

It may be necessary for you to do that. If you find your own place, something that you can afford by yourself, you can invite the woman you love to visit as often as you like and leave it up to her to decide whether she wishes to pay for a larger place and support her daughter alone. It would give them, the mother and daughter, space to work out their situation and you control over your own environment.

My heart goes out to you.

I am a friend

Can the 3 of ye sit down and talk it out rather than the mum promising to do so and then not doing it.

It's really not on that you are staying away from your home rather than be in it. Your gf is also bring disrespectful as she didn't ask if it was ok for her daughters bf to move in.

Beruthiel

MrBlahBlah wrote: »

H
And again I know only too well that it's her mum's (and dad's ) fault..her whole life she has been treated with kid gloves and spoiled..all through college when her class mates were struggling to find work to help them manage, her mum drove her to college ever morning and home and gave her €140 'pocket money' per week..and what did she get in return? Arrogance and rudeness...

This is what happens when you don't teach a child values.
Actions speak louder than words with it comes to children. Her daughter was brought up with a sense of entitlement.
If my daughter wanted money during her college years, she worked for it.
As a result, she has an appreciation of how to live within her means and the where with all to sustain herself on very little.
That's a very good lesson to learn and I believe it will stand to her through her life.
Sure why would any of us bother our arse if it's all handed to us on a plate?

night..her mum was out at a work do and I was picking her up at 11pm...I went over and stayed with a mate cos I couldnt bear being at home..in the house I rent and pay bills for .. this cant happen again !!

I would find that intolerable and unacceptable.
You will have to do what's right for you OP.
What is the point of working and putting a roof over your head if you cannot be happy in your little space.
I understand that your partner probably feels like she is between a rock and a hard place, but as it is, she is doing her daughter no favours.
That's not your problem though, so, it's time to stand up for yourself and do whatever is necessary to make yourself happy.

LegacyUser

Hi OP again (I really should do some work lol)

Thanks again..just to clarify (in case I gave wrong impression.) bf hasn't actually moved in, but going on past experience what will happen is he (as he and others have done) will stay for several days at a time every week..and when he's not there we(I) still have the same issue with daughter being disrespectful, lazy, rude etc etc..just cos he's away doesnt man problem is solved.....but it helps...

And another example of all this is that on our second night in new house, daughter had her only friend and her bf stay over..without asking was it ok .. again total disrespect..

Even my 17 year old daugher is shocked at the carry on and has said to me that she would never, in the future, ask for a bf to stay over at home or with me..she reckons it just wouldnt be on (also said her mum would never allow it anyhow..lol) Actually thinking about it I would never allow my daughter to treat me like this (not that she would) so why would I take it from someone elses daughter??

ash23

Eventually your daughter will want her boyfriend to stay over, it's kind of inevitable. However, it would and should be with permission. Not merely a case of arriving with him and having him stay indefinitely.

OP, your OH might not be willing to change or to be more strict/demand more respect from her daughter. I would hope this would be the wakeup call she needs to sort out this dysfunctional relationship she seems to have with her daughter, but I fear it won't be and she'll end up losing her chance at a fresh start.

However, if I were in your position I wouldn't be willing to live like that. It's not on.

LegacyUser

MrBlahBlah wrote: »

Goin Anon for this ..
Background.
She leaves dirt and food and junk all over the house, never cleans anything, does nothing..wont go to seek a job...sleeps in the bed with days old food on plates in the bed with her..never does ought about the house...
..

She sounds like a dirty filthy slob with no respect for her own personal hygiene let alone anybody else. It says alot about the boyfriend as well if he is willing to put with that stuff. How come you haven't confronted the daughter about this? There is no point in saying it to your partner as she seems to be a very soft touch when it comes to dealing with her daughter.
Regardless if she is your partners daughter or not why are you putting up with such behaviour in your own home. If you wouldn't take it from your own daughter why anybody elses? Its disgraceful. I would think long and hard about buying a place together if thats the crap you have to put with.

curlzy

Hey OP,

First of all I don't honestly know how you have put up with that up to this point. I agree with the poster that said move out, get your own place and let the gf visit you. You really can't be putting up with that sh*te, it'll put you in an early grave. So yeah tell your gf why and then move out and get yourself a home because at the moment where you are isn't a home. Your gf sounds very em . . . can't really think of a nice way to put it, sorry but it's extremely pathetic to raise a child to be as monumentally useless as that daughter. I would have questions about a person that produces a daughter like that, I'm not saying that to be mean but I suppose what I'm saying is that I wouldn't be holding my breathe waiting on your gf to sort this out.

The best of luck.

Leitrim lass

why are you waiting for your partner to sort her daughter out. As somebody who is paying bills in that house YOU are entitled to sort the spoilt brat out.
She is not an eight year old. She is an adult who is living off you and knows you haven't got the nerve to confront her.

Ainekav

She is playing you like a fiddle OP, evidently she knows you well enough at this stage to know that she can do whatever she likes and you won't challenge her.

she is treating you like dirt in a house that you pay for

i can't stress enough how much you need to lay down the law

i would have serious concerns about your relationship with this woman aswell - although she is not causing the trouble, she is letting the daughter disrespect and upset the man she loves... reassess that sh1t i would say...

also do not under any circumstances buy a house with her - the daughter will sink her teeth in to this and take you to the cleaners

best of luck but you need to take control of the situation and v v fast

qwertytlk

Hi...god love you, that sounds awful and i personally would have lost the plot if i had to put up with that crap!
But from what you said it seems that this girl is let do what she likes and is not disciplined, thats why she acts the way she does and has a total lack of respect for you and even her own mother.

Best thing you could do is sit the mother down and tell her she needs to impose some house rules for her daughter,one of which being that she gets a job(and saves some money to move out!), and if she doesnt obey them, then she is out..... But i just have to say that i doubt you gf will throw her daughter out. So if you give her an ultimatum it may end up coming back to bite you in the ass. I.e the end of your relationship. But tbh i dont see that you have any other choice really, as you clearly cant continue to live like this!
So go and have a good talk with your gf and tell her exactley how you feel, even the part about having second thoughts on buying a house with her, because it may just be the wake up call she needs to go give her daughter a kick up the backside!

Best of luck, hope it works out/

LegacyUser

Sounds horrible OP. On a practical and slightly passive aggressive note would it be possible to cut off power to the living room when you and your girlfriend aren't home. It might stop their comfortable existence a bit.

baggypants

Hello op
i have no idea how you have put up with this situation for so long ,you must have great patience, it has to be brought to a head the three of you have to sit down and talk and set new rules ,it sounds like you are a prisoner in your own home and thats no way for anybody to live,
she is 23 not 12 and by the sounds of things she is holding you and her mother in the hightest contempt

Beruthiel

MrBlahBlah wrote: »

Actually thinking about it I would never allow my daughter to treat me like this (not that she would) so why would I take it from someone elses daughter??

So, why do you?
Because she's not your daughter? Just because she is not your daughter, doesn't mean that you do not deserve respect.
When my daughter asked for something that she wanted to do in the house, I would tell her that she has to get my partners permission first (he's not her father).
Why is that not happening under your roof?
When you are living in someones house and they are the ones paying the bills, then you defer to their requirements.
It's time for you to assert yourself Mr. Blah.

LegacyUser

OP here
Wow..thanks for all the replies..I'm impressed :-)

Of ye are all correct..I suppose up to now I felt I couldnt say anything as it wasnt my house (even though I was contributing financially to the house)
Things are different now in that we're jointly renting together..

Apparently, when I was out last night, daughter was told that in future she can only have someone to stay one night a week and we must know in advance what that night is..

But bf had gone home yesterday anyhow so I'm sure this will rear it's head over the weekend...
I'm going to demand respect from all involved....starting now..
I'll keep ye updated...

Thanks again

Greaney

I really feel for your situation and I hope that I don't give you foolish advice or anything.

If you're beginning to stay at friends houses and not in your own, the living arrangement between yourself and your girlfriend is beginning to fall apart. If you were planning a life together, that's now hanging in the balance.

I don't want to judge your girlfriend too harshly, she sounds like a classic 'softy' (which is why you love her, no?), but it's actually going to destroy her happiness if she cannot tackle her adult daughters immaturity. I can understand how it's not really your place to tackle a child (adult?) who isn't yours, so you're really relying on your partner to put her foot down and you really need to tell her what it's going to cost her if she doesn't. I think, if you don't, your relashionship might end!!

Is it possible the girl can live with her dad for a while?? That might give her a land???

Taltos

OK - see my big problem with this is your OH's daughter is being referenced to as the "girl" and being treated as a child.

However - she is an adult.

Why is she living with you at all?
Seriously - at 23 she should be standing on her own feet and making a mess of her own apartment.
At 21, I moved out of home. At 18 a friend of mine was told to leave his home by his mother - her words "you're an adult now time to go" - in her case she never wanted children and saw her duty end at the time he became an adult.

So yes - you do deserve respect in your own home.
However - this young lady (debatable on the lady part) needs to get her own place and become self-sufficient. It is a parent's job in life to prepare their children for the harsh realities of life, I think it is time this "child" took the next step most especially if she is at the point of having her BF's come around.

Harsh? Maybe a little, but I think you have been more than patient. Chances are though if you raise it like this with the mother she will choose her daughter and the relationship will be over - but there is nothing to stop you floating the idea in more subtle ways, i.e. while you are under my roof you follow my rules - "no guests", "clean up your mess", "in by 12" etc. You have your own daughter to worry about so you need to be consistent here and not allow your OH to play favourites to her spoilt kid.

Beruthiel

MrBlahBlah wrote: »

I'm going to demand respect from all involved....starting now..
I'll keep ye updated...

It will be better to have your partner on side Mr. Blah.
As has been said already, be sure to tell your partner that she is doing her daughter no favours.
Many parents do not teach their children how to live on their own.
Making them clean up, cook, laundry, work if you want money by getting a part time job, etc..
Some parents don't want to make life that difficult for their children.
This is a grave mistake as they take away the tools required to make it on your own.
Sheltering them from the cold hard facts of life in the long run makes the childs life more difficult. Leaving them in their twenties with no idea how to go forward.
I asked my daughter a year ago if she saw herself still living with me at the age of 30. She went pale.
She moved out six months later.
I didn't do that to be cruel btw, I just believe that at some point, a child needs to go it alone. It can be daunting for them. But they must learn how to rely on themselves and sometimes they need a push in order to do that.
Having your child still dependent on you in their twenties just so you can feel needed is actually cruel.
This is something your partner actually needs to see and understand.
Putting it to her in that way, will not get her back up so much.
Good luck!

Greaney

Beruthiel wrote: »

I asked my daughter a year ago if she saw herself still living with me at the age of 30. She went pale.
She moved out six months later.!

Ooooh!! Good tip!! I'm using that on my 19 yr old son.:D

Ickle Magoo

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CIARAN_BOYLE

Hey OP I understand that while living in your GFs house you felt that you had to lie down and take your GF's daughters **** since it was your GFs house. Thats fair enough but it has established you as a carpet to the girl (I'm referring to her as the girl since she is acting as such)

ash23 wrote: »

Eventually your daughter will want her boyfriend to stay over, it's kind of inevitable. However, it would and should be with permission. Not merely a case of arriving with him and having him stay indefinitely.

I doubt it. A lot of young people wouldn't be comfortable staying with a girlfriend/boyfriend under their parents roof. I wouldn't anyway.

LegacyUser

OP again..

Update

Daughter been away at Bfs over weekend so all's quiet on that front (until she no doubt arrives home with him in tow (or even on her own is enough stress )

Mayor 'argument' yesterday morning with her mum about her..
GIRLFRIEND SAYS::::'You dont like my daughter, she has never said a bad word about you, I know she's rude and lazy and arrogant but you (ie ME) are causing the stress in the house..you(ie ME) have formed an opinion about her and its not fair..if I treated her normally she would be different..

I SAY::: My opinion is based on her actions over 2 years, she doesnt bother (most of the time) even responding to a 'hello' so I have even given up on that, she's IS rude arrogant lazy etc etc although she CAN be nice when she wished (which is normally when she wants something) and I also added that by not even buying her mum a bday card she displayed a total lack of respect and caring for her and that upsets me greatly..

Tears were shed by GF, much fingerpointing in my direction (so I just said little else as I had said my piece)

Basically she wont accept the truth about her daughter .. she knows but cant face it...

This road has a few turns yet methinks

Taltos

OP - it seems like the writing is on the wall and I doubt the road is long enough for more than one or two turns.

Clearly the mother can see what her daughter is like but refuses to see that she needs to change. It might be time for you to start looking for alternate accommodation I am afraid.

Janet1986

Blood is thicker than water. The daughter knows her mam will take her side.

I think you should go away for a few days and ask your partner to contact you
When she has made up her mind!

Beruthiel

MrBlahBlah wrote: »

Mayor 'argument' yesterday morning with her mum about her..
GIRLFRIEND SAYS::::'You dont like my daughter, she has never said a bad word about you, I know she's rude and lazy and arrogant but you (ie ME) are causing the stress in the house..you(ie ME) have formed an opinion about her and its not fair..if I treated her normally she would be different..

Oh really?
Different how?
She wouldn't just drop into the house with b/f in tow? He would no longer stay at your place days at a time without passing it with you first?

I'm sorry OP, I understand that as a mother it is difficult to have someone else criticise how you have brought up your child, but it's clear she does not want to see what is right in front of her face.

At this point, you will just have to decide what it is you want for the future. Unfortunately it may not include your g/f.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Darkginger

I'm another one who thinks that getting a place of your own would be the best move for now - you say you're planning to buy with your GF in a couple of years - still plan on that, but in the meantime get yourself a home you feel comfortable in, where your own daughter (who seems to be forgotten in all this) can come over and stay if she wants to. Hopefully, during the 'couple of years' the GF's daughter (who will be 25 by then) will have either matured, moved out, or both, and you can make a life for yourself and your GF without this issue.

I know it may seem like the death-knell for your current relationship - but you deserve better than the ongoing situation, and it's for your GF to sort her daughter out and decide on her own priorities.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP again..

You're warm replies have made update again (so if you want it all to stop you'll have to stop replying lol)

So apparently a new 'rule' of ' someone over only one night a week and permission must be sought for that in advance' was issued on FRiday...

So today we're out and about...call comes in 'can friend (not bf) stay for next two nights.....answer?? Yes !!

WHAT??
First 'test' of the new 'rule' and GF allows it to be broken??
I've said nothing....

It's her friend (female) who actullay is quite nice and pleasant so nothing said for now....

I'm watching and waiting TBH

Cheers