Life a nightmare, friends are bullies...

LegacyUser

Hello, regular poster, going unreg....

I am 23 years old male. I dropped out of college after alot of stress and depression and now work in Tesco. When I dropped out I started to eat to comfort myself, and I quit the sports clubs I used to be part of in college. In less than one year i went from being a normal looking 19 year old with friends and a college place working towards the future, to a 22 stone shut in with no self confidence and no prospects. I am also going bald and have developed acne (always a problem for me but has gotten worse with eating etc)

I have been trying to stay in touch with my friends from college and school, but i am basically a different person now than the one they knew. I tagged along to a few nights out with them (they dont text me, i feel as if i have to invite myself) but they usually dont talk to me the way they used to.

Then they began to actually mock me. It started with small things like calling me fat or ugly (albeit in a sort of a jokey way) and then they eventually called me stupid, waster, useless, scum (i was on the dole for a while, something very frowned upon among my circle who are all "high achievers" at least in their eyes) then on one night out one of them, a lad who is new to the group (most of the others i have known since early in school) absolutely lit into me for no reason.

We were all sitting around having a few drinks and he started mouthing off "why are you even here? what are you supposed to be doing? i expected my "friends" to back me up a bit but they laughed and called me fat and ugly along with him. eventually i just left.

So my question is, given how bad my position is, should i just drop these friends, as I try to get my life back together, or should be grateful to have any social life at all, and just take the abuse?

I know i need to work on my weight and things, but are these friends people i should just cut out of my life?

Any advice welcome

deisemum

My advice is to cut them out of your life, they're not your friends even if you know some of them from school.

They're just people who shared similar experiences as you at the same time. I think most people will form transient friendships with people at various stages of their lives.

allgirlz

Absolutely cut them out of your life and start concentrating on yourself. Where you are now is the culmination of years of neglect so it will not change overnight, however by starting on a new road of exercise and improved diet you will start to feel better both about yourself and in yourself. Also have a look at college again, maybe sign up for a night course, start making plans abut where you want to be in 5/10 years and start working towards it, the motivation alone will give you a boost and having a long term plan is always great. Don't allow yourself to be defined by those people, they are not your friends, you deserve better than them. Take this as a new start, things will get better but only if you work at it. Best of luck!

Cut them out, definitely.

Firstly, because they're terrible friends who are horrible to you to make themselves feel better.

Secondly, because they obviously don't understand the real world, still stuck in the leaving cert/american TV attitude of "everyone must go to college". I go to college but I have an enormous amount of respect for anyone who not only works, but has managed to get a job in the first place. You should be proud that you're earning, while they're still safe in college. If they can't see the merit in what you're doing, then get rid of them sharpish. There's no need to hang out with people that full of themselves.

tenchi-fan

College isn't for everyone. The guy i know who makes more money than any of my other friends dropped out of college. Yet, he works in a supervisor role in a large American bank in Dublin.

He gained his supervisor experience in a retail store similar to your own.. so even though you're only in tesco, see if they are offering any staff training programmes - or at least let management know you're interested in furthering your career with the company. Also, try to do an evening course (say, in HR) so you at least have a formal qualifications. That way if a job opportunity comes up you'll be in the best position to avail of it.

Your "friends" aren't your friends. They make themselves feel important by destroying anyone who falls outside their little click,where the only requirement to be a "high achiever" is to puddle their way through a 4-year degree. They're a bunch of losers.

I know a few guys who play 5-a-side and every so often they're stuck for a player, that's one way to get into a group of good friends. Basically you should find friends with similar interests rather than clicks that will fall apart when they realise they have nothing in common.

thefeatheredcat

Definitely cut them out of your life, really there's no two ways about that. How they treated you was awful, and they are going to continue to treat you like that further down the line, which is going to hurt your self-esteem even further and make you feel worse.

Shy Fat Man wrote: »

I am 23 years old male. I dropped out of college after alot of stress and depression and now work in Tesco.

You have a lot more going for you than you think! I always firmly believe that anyone who deals with major life issues at a earlier age in life will always fair better and be more equipped to deal with even bigger issues going forward, and certainly will be more able to deal and cope with real things in life than anyone else.

You're earning a wage and that is something to be proud of, always, and you have your foot in a company where you can excel and move up over time should opportunities arise. When your "friends" finish college, even for the summer and have to be financially independent they're going to wish they still had your friendship to get a job or help with cv, or get an interview, but they've lost out on that knowledge and help that you could offer because of burning their bridges with you by how they treated you.

As for the rest - the weight you can work on that long term, and without these guys pulling you down, you'll find that motivation and strength to work away at it and be a happy person.

Lastly, anyone who sneers at another being on the dole are inevitably to fall very hard at some point in their life off their high horse and find nobody will help them or that help will come from the people they've jeered at all their lives. Especially if they have a snobbish attitude or look down on others in the way they have you.

I think you will excel and do very well for yourself as long as these people aren't around in your life.

mikemac

Some of the richest people in Ireland never went to college

You now work for a massive company, ask them about the management training program. Dunnes, Lidl and Aldi are looking for managers too. There's a thread on Dunnes over in work forum

In a few years you'll be pulling in a very decent salary

You don't need negative people in your life, get rid of them


edit, techni-fan has much the same posted above

amdublin

Yep I agree with everyone.

Dk not go about with these people again - why put yourself in the firing line yo be bullied and insulted. You don't deserve that.

Good luck dude!

LegacyUser

Seems pretty unanimous here.

I have to say thanks wholeheartedly and sincerely to those who replied with advice, it really helps to get another perspective on this. It is a huge boost to even think that I would be worth the time to write a response to my problem, even anonymously and online.

It is help like this that will hopefully push me on the way to turning my life around.

Thank you again with all my heart and soul

LegacyUser

Shy Fat Man wrote: »

It is help like this that will hopefully push me on the way to turning my life around.

As a person who was in the same situation, I can tell you now things will get better. At the same time though you will need to do a little work to make sure things work out the way you want, personally I would do(did) the following:

Ditch those p**** "mates" of yours. I once had "mates" like this and I can tell you I learned the hard way how bad people like this can be. Delete their numbers(seriously do this, or even change your number) and avoid them like the plague, after a while you should find your self esteem and confidence return. *&%* are toxic and are best avoided in life.

Down the line you may feel lonely or **** that your not as social as you want to be and might try give them a shout, beleave me when I say do not do this. You will find mates who are actaully sound, I did, so can you.

Secondly, you need to get your life back and get active. Join a sport or hobby, start walking or eating better, just make positive changes. Being around people helps more than you know and will make finding a new social circle much easier.

Hope it works out for you man.

human repellent

These people are not your friends.

These people make fun of others insecurities in order to make them feel better about themselves, get out of your rut.

You have a steady job, that's more than can be said for a lot of people.
Take the posititves. Cut back on the binge eating, water only, cut off the beer for a few months. Salads, pastas, chicken, tuna, ceral healthy living.

Join a gym, lost a few stone. Join a 5-a side soccer / team local club, there is levels for all standards, don't let these people hold you back.

You'll meet a hell of a lot nicer people out there than those IDIOTS.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Drop the alleged friends post haste. Theyre not doing anything for your self esteem.
I too had no prospects after i left school. Years of unemployment followed much like yourself, with an almost 2 year stint working in tesco.
And also like yourself, at around age 22 or so i started going bald which killed my self confidence for a while.

I got a plan eventually when i realised i couldnt stack shelves for the rest of my life. Went to FAS, did an 8 month course in a field i was interested in, started shaving my head instead of hanging onto the old fading glory, got my **** straightened out, eventually got a good job in my chosen field, am now engaged and all that other grown up good ****.

Youre in a rut now, just need to get yourself out of it. Work on the weight loss, see about doing some sort of training to get yourself out of tesco, and youll be on the right track.

foxyboxer

I'd agree to cut your friends out of your life. They are merely aquantainces and not true friends. If I was you I'd use the taunts, the bullying etc as serious motivation to improve your situation. College is not the be all and end all the colleges/media/whatever would have you believe. A leaving cert and a super attitude can be much better.

When you're at work, express an interest in taking on extra duties, work out and use the taunts as motivation. You're only 23, in 5 years time you will look back on now with a smile I'm sure.

On the baldness, I went bald at 19. Classic male pattern baldness. Shave it off and (try) to keep it short. It's a good look.

estar

they are disgusting people to treat you like that. you dont need them. if you could work on yourself and building yourself up you could make infinite amounts of friends.

you need support in getting your weight under control for your health and self esteem. what about weight watchers for men - it is really proven to work and would provide you with support and a peer group.

you dont hve to tell anyone. i would also suggest you join a gym and get a trainer. save the money on going out to pay for this.

you have a job. thats a great achievement in this day and age. use this time to discover yourself.

never ever lower yourself to meeting these people again. you owe yourself that much.

pragmatic1

Drop em OP. They sound like a bunch of tits. Theres a big world out there and at 23 you're only a baby yet. Lifes full of ups and downs.

LegacyUser

Hi this is the Op back here unreg again obviously.

So decided to cut my friends out of my life. For once they actually invited me around rather than me chasing them down. I went around to the house where they were drinking. I didn't have the balls to say anything straight away as I had planned. I wanted to go in and out, just telling them where I stand with them and leaving.

But I chickened out, so I stayed and had a few drinks. They were all drinking for a good while, class party on that night, so they were ready to go out. Then they began again to slag me.

"Are you going to get a fXXking degree you fat slob"

"I'll hire you to clean this place, you might lose a bit of weight doing it you ugly prick"

"Lads, any women these days. Not talking to you (my name) obviously no bird would go near you, you stupid ugly cxxt"

So I snapped.

I told them that I don't need them in my life, and that they are basically horrible to me even though I have been their friend for years. One of them beat me very badly (he was drunk and he is a big and aggressive guy). I was bleeding from the nose and I thought it was broken (it wasn't in the end) but I was just glad to get out of there in the end.

Maybe it didn't happen the way I would have wanted, but they are out of my life now, and I can get down to getting on with my life. Thanks for all the advice, hopefully I'm headed somewhere better now!

tenchi-fan

Shy Fat Man wrote: »

Maybe it didn't happen the way I would have wanted, but they are out of my life now, and I can get down to getting on with my life. Thanks for all the advice, hopefully I'm headed somewhere better now!

So you believe us now?

I think a sore nose is a small price to pay for such a valuable lesson.

pragmatic1

You're well rid sir. Dont even contemplate talking to those tits again. Consider them enemies.

Little Acorn

I can't believe one of them had the cheek to beat you! What complete and utter scumbags, and they are the type to look down on what "class" they think other people are. They've really shown themselves for the piles of pathetic scum that they are. You are well rid OP.
I'd normally advise someone to press charges after an unprovoked assault like this, but in this case, if it means that they are out of your life for good, then maybe it would just be easier and better to move on.
Wish you all the best OP, and I'm sure you will achieve what you are looking for now that they are gone. They were just holding you back in life.

LegacyUser

Little Acorn wrote: »

I can't believe one of them had the cheek to beat you! What complete and utter scumbags, and they are the type to look down on what "class" they think other people are. They've really shown themselves for the piles of pathetic scum that they are. You are well rid OP.
I'd normally advise someone to press charges after an unprovoked assault like this, but in this case, if it means that they are out of your life for good, then maybe it would just be easier and better to move on.
Wish you all the best OP, and I'm sure you will achieve what you are looking for now that they are gone. They were just holding you back in life.

yeah I wont press charges, I just want them to leave me alone so if I pressed charges I'd have to deal with them again in person. The only contact I've had with them since is cyber bullying, phone calls, texts and some banging on my window at night (pretty sure it was them). As long as I don't have to deal with them in person I'm ok.

Naid23

They really are horrible human beings to treat someone like that. You're way better off without people like that in your life.

Head up OP, hope everything works out for you in the future~

tenchi-fan

Shy Fat Man wrote: »

yeah I wont press charges, I just want them to leave me alone so if I pressed charges I'd have to deal with them again in person. The only contact I've had with them since is cyber bullying, phone calls, texts and some banging on my window at night (pretty sure it was them). As long as I don't have to deal with them in person I'm ok.

Keep a log of all of these incidents, take photos of the texts (in case you lose your phone) and print out the emails/cyber-bullying (haven't you blocked them on facebook?!)

Little Acorn

Shy Fat Man wrote: »

yeah I wont press charges, I just want them to leave me alone so if I pressed charges I'd have to deal with them again in person. The only contact I've had with them since is cyber bullying, phone calls, texts and some banging on my window at night (pretty sure it was them). As long as I don't have to deal with them in person I'm ok.

You shouldn't have to put up with all that. Follow techni-fans's advice incase you need to do something about it in the future. They should hopefully get bored soon though.

Chairman Meow

Fair play OP. Took balls to do that, especially ballsy considering you took a few smacks for it. But it probably felt a bit liberating and a scuffle is a price id be willing to pay to get arseholes like that out of my life. Onwards and upwards!

LegacyUser

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Keep a log of all of these incidents, take photos of the texts (in case you lose your phone) and print out the emails/cyber-bullying (haven't you blocked them on facebook?!)

I de-friended them all on facebook and I was thinking about changing my phone number but all the other people i know have it so i dont want to go to the effort of that because i think why should I?

They have my email address so they send me abusive and threatening emails that way, and they text me. It is horrible to wake up and see an inbox full of emails from them. I read on and it was just full of abuse, very depressing stuff really personal. I didnt read any more. I think they are angry that I stood up to them and are taking it out on me.

tenchi-fan

I suppose once they're deleted they shouldn't be able to contact you too easily, however if they send you facebook mail or comment on your status just block them.

Don't bother changing your number, but don't reply to the texts either. If you get a call from a hidden or unknown number I'd advise you not to answer it, even if you get one out of the blue in a month's time.

As for the emails.. I'm sure they are group emails? Ignore them, but do keep copies of them. If you're with gmail there is a feature in labs called smart mute:

Prevents muted conversations from reappearing in your inbox unless your email address is added to the To or Cc field or you are the sole recipient. If your email address is already on the To or Cc field and you mute a conversation, it will not reappear in your inbox unless you are the sole recipient.

You can also create a filter to skip your inbox for certain senders.

Taltos

Depending on your mobile provider or phone you may also be able to block their numbers / texts.
As per the great advice of TF - keep a record of all this.
I would also suggest having a quiet unofficial word with your local gardai and ask for their advice. At a minimum they will now have a record of assault.

Crikey - these guys are loo-lahs - you are definitely better off with them 100% out of your life.

zxcvbnm1

Shy Fat Man wrote: »

I de-friended them all on facebook and I was thinking about changing my phone number but all the other people i know have it so i dont want to go to the effort of that because i think why should I?

They have my email address so they send me abusive and threatening emails that way, and they text me. It is horrible to wake up and see an inbox full of emails from them. I read on and it was just full of abuse, very depressing stuff really personal. I didnt read any more. I think they are angry that I stood up to them and are taking it out on me.

Yeah - it's bad behaviour by them. In fact - it is absolutely appalling. They sound like really really nasty cowardly people.

Try to remember that.

You were unfortunate to get mixed up with poison.
Just ignore all their texts and emails and continue on. They will soon get sick of it.

Either that or threaten them with the guards. I'm sure there is probably some law they are breaking. You may wanna think through about using that threat first though. It may or may not have negative repercussions on yourself.

LegacyUser

Well it has gotten worse. They turned up to Tesco today when I was at work and started taking the piss out of me. They are really bad guys I am realising, cant believe I was ever friends with them. They did it really subtly, started walking next to me and whispering stuff about how pointless and boring my job is and how they are going to be earning 90 grand a year while I am stuck doing this forever. They also slagged me about not getting with girls. I didn't know what to do. At the end of my shift I was in tears.

I am also thinking that maybe part of me deserves this. They never turned on somebody like this before in all the years I have known them, so maybe there really is something wrong with me....

I am at the end of my rope with these lads...

Taltos

OP - they have left you with no choice but to take action to protect yourself.

1. Inform the gardai immediately.
2. Inform your supervisor in work - they have a "duty" to provide you with a safe working environment.

Basically these losers need a clear message that what they are doing is illegal - something any prospective employer and even their colleges will take a dim view of. For example - do you think it will be easy for them to travel to the US / Australia with criminal convictions.

You are not alone here - talk to your family - but above all else go the the garda station today and talk to your manager. Let your boss know that you love your job - and you need their help for the moment to keep the scumbags out of there.

Take action OP - remember - their future is in your hands - they have handed it to you on a silver plate with first the assault and now the harrassment... Keep evidence (times/dates/who was there) and talk to folk NOW about this.

portron niner

That is really shabby behavior by them. It is also quite pathetic. You tell us that they are "high achievers" but apart from making your life a living hell, they are putting their own futures in jeopardy. In the last few years there have been numerous cases highlighting the effects of bullying on individuals. What kind of employer would take someone on for work if they had a criminal conviction for something like that? They would be reviled by the community & rightly so.

You did the right thing by standing up to them, it takes a lot of bottle to do something like that. The guy who beat you up needs to be reported to the Gardai. If you say he is aggressive, he's likely going to do it again. The emails you have would probably be good evidence to back up your complaint about him. I'll bet the incident is mentioned in some of them. The emails would also be evidence to possibly prosecute the rest of the group who are participating in this carry-on.

I know you just want to put this behind you, but that is because you have been the victim in this from the start. If you were to take control of it by informing the authorities you would start to feel a lot better about it and it wouldn't be something that keeps you awake years from now.

(tl/dr) Go to the cops about the smug w4nk£rs.