****ing FaceBook

LegacyUser

My "Loving wife" is watching the x factor as I type this and Im shocked, stunned. I went on our laptop and opened the internet and it went on to the home page. I was looking for an item on ebay that I bought yesterday and was getting another one for my mate when in the history folder was a facebook message from a guy who my wife know....Her facebook page wasnt shut down so I clicked on and it read "cant wait for you to have you again in my bed" Im totally totally shocked, I read through the whole messsage thread.............basically they have been at it a yr, they met the day before we went away on holidays!!!!!!!!!!! Ive printed all the messages off as proof
How do I confront her about this,jesus my heart is beating out of my chest.
We have a pretty good relationship, doing normal things like meals, nights out etc both early 30's
Im broken

finbarrk

You will have to confront her anyway. Disaster. At least you found out.

Miss Fluff

Jesus you poor thing, how horrific for you.You must be in such a deep state of shock. The only advice I can give you is that you confront her face-to-face and with a clear head, so not after drowning your sorrows or anything.I really hope it all works out for you

LegacyUser

I havnt stopped crying...why did it come to this? I did confront here about an hour ago as I couldnt hold back, I asked her to look at the screen and explain to me what it was all about. She said it was just banter between them, can you beleive it??? Confession time: She went away for a weekend about 8 yrs ago with HIM and another couple of which that woman was a tramp, But nothing happened......they just had drinks!!!!!!!!!!!!. Ive a thousand and one questions that she wont answer because I "dont beleive" her that nothing happened!!!!
Ive asked her to leave by the end of the week.

Ickle Magoo

Oh gawd OP, what a horrendous situation to find yourself in.

I don't know what kind of temperament you have; if you prefer to get things sorted in your head first before dealing with or if you can't let things lie and have to get them sorted ASAP - either way, let it sink in and decide what way you want to handle things first of all. It goes without saying but stay sober and in control and don't let the hurt and shock over-power you and make you do anything silly. Perhaps get another copy of the messages and put it somewhere safe and sleep on it?

Horrible situation to be in, all the very best.

bren2002

It's hardly Facebook's fault though

Ickle Magoo

bren2002, if you have no constructive advice to offer the OP - kindly refrain from posting.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

Maybe you both just need a little time apart to sort things, are you sure she was having an affair? do you know this Guy?
In your heart do you believe she was with this guy or is it just chatting.

You said you had a good relationship etc so it doesn't make sense.

you may feel bad now but in a few weeks you will feel different.

Wishing you the best

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your words.....
@ Ickle Magoo: I have copy and pasted the messages to word and printed them out, plus Ive emailed them to myself, which she has no access too.
@ bren 2002: It was just my way of venting....plus it was where the messages were.
@Ella may: The trust, respect and honesty is gone, put yourself in my shoes....how would you feel? In my heart do I feel she was with this guy? Judging by the content of the messages YES.
We have 2 children 1 is early 20's and 1 is late teens (leaving cert) very very mindful of how this is going to react on the kids.
She is now looking up places to rent near her work.............guilty or not guilty??? What a F*&king mug Ive been

daenerysstormborn3

Oh my god OP. That is awful.

Her excuse that "nothing happened" could be just to buy herself some time to think up a good cover story and gradually wear you down.

tenchi-fan

make sure your wife doesn't get near the laptop for a few days. At that stage you can tell her you don't appreciate what she's been up to.

pack her stuff for her and order her a taxi

LegacyUser

Totally Stunned wrote: »

What a F*&king mug Ive been

No, you weren't. You were a trusting husband. Don't regret that. The only problem is your trust was taken for granted, and you were betrayed. That's not on you, that's on her. You have no reason to put yourself down, please don't do that.

I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. I hope you feel better soon.

Copper_pipe

geeby wrote: »

pack her stuff for her and order her a taxi

and dont pay

allgirlz

Totally Stunned wrote: »

Thanks all for your words.....
@ Ickle Magoo: I have copy and pasted the messages to word and printed them out, plus Ive emailed them to myself, which she has no access too.
@ bren 2002: It was just my way of venting....plus it was where the messages were.
@Ella may: The trust, respect and honesty is gone, put yourself in my shoes....how would you feel? In my heart do I feel she was with this guy? Judging by the content of the messages YES.
We have 2 children 1 is early 20's and 1 is late teens (leaving cert) very very mindful of how this is going to react on the kids.
She is now looking up places to rent near her work.............guilty or not guilty??? What a F*&king mug Ive been

You are in your early 30's as per your first post yet you have a child in his early 20's and one in leaving cert?? Maybe you mispelled, so assuming that is the case, I am sorry this has happened to you, best thing to do is get some space. How did your wife react? Was she upset? Has she tried to explain apart from denying everything?

I am a friend

You are very far from a mug! Sorry this has happened to you. Try and get some support from friends or family and get legal advice as soon as possible. These things have a habit of getting nasty very quickly.

DOBBER112

This is an awful position to be in, having to confront a partner with some obviously damning evidence of cheating. You found the courage to confront and you get the typical responses that any cheater would give "Its completely innocent", "You are taking the comments out of context", "It was only a bit of banter nothing happened!" and yet she is now looking for places to rent, my gut tells me she knows full well the game is up, caught red handed and the usual reaction is to run and hide for a while or until she can wear you down to her way of thinking, which is that its all in your head, she is completely innocent and that you are paranoid and making a big deal out of nothing.
You now have to decide whether to forgive and move on or call it a day and move on. Neither is an easy road but that decision is yours and yours alone to make unless she decides herself that its over and would rather go her own way.
I can't understand for the life of me why if a person is caught that badly would they not just give you the truth and allow you to heal and move on. Its completely selfish and all I see is a person desperately trying to save face and reputation. This has been a seriously stressful, shocking and upsetting situation for you, take some time out for yourself and assess the situation properly. Take your time with whatever decision you make. I wish you the very best no matter what you decide. Everything happens for a reason, trust me in 6 months time maybe a year, you will look back and realize why.

DOBBER112

I am a friend wrote: »

You are very far from a mug! Sorry this has happened to you. Try and get some support from friends or family and get legal advice as soon as possible. These things have a habit of getting nasty very quickly.

Agree 100%

Support from Family and Friends is huge, surround yourself with positive people and those who care.
Like what was mentioned above these situations have a tendency to get nasty once a person realizes that they are not going to get their own way and that you are not falling into their way of thinking. Protect both yourself and your family as best you can.

LegacyUser

Sorry we are both early 40's. Its been a long night and day.......
I confronted her again and she is still saying nothing happened and the messages were only banter between them, she has deleted her FaceBook account but even the when she picked up her phone earlier it was in the back of my mind who is she texting or is she back on facebook? I know she has internet access in work aswell. The trust issue has been damaged and I personnally think its damaged beyond repair.
Ive a 1001 questions I need answers too but know everyone of them I will be fobbed off with and each answer I get will lead to another 10 questions
Ive told her I need space to get my head together and was she asked me "Do you still want me to move out?" I replied I dont know, that I need time to think but I feel the answer to that question will be yes.
I have yet to say anything to family or friends because of the shame, the hurt, the betrayal the total lack of thinking straight. We need to keep this from our children up until a decision on if she will go or not and at this moment that is my top priority.
Im thinking of going down to get some legal advice on tuesday as to where I stand with this.
Again thanks for your words as so far its the only portal for me.

Sittingpretty

Totally Stunned wrote: »

Sorry we are both early 40's. Its been a long night and day.......
I confronted her again and she is still saying nothing happened and the messages were only banter between them, she has deleted her FaceBook account but even the when she picked up her phone earlier it was in the back of my mind who is she texting or is she back on facebook? I know she has internet access in work aswell. The trust issue has been damaged and I personnally think its damaged beyond repair.
Ive a 1001 questions I need answers too but know everyone of them I will be fobbed off with and each answer I get will lead to another 10 questions
Ive told her I need space to get my head together and was she asked me "Do you still want me to move out?" I replied I dont know, that I need time to think but I feel the answer to that question will be yes.
I have yet to say anything to family or friends because of the shame, the hurt, the betrayal the total lack of thinking straight. We need to keep this from our children up until a decision on if she will go or not and at this moment that is my top priority.
Im thinking of going down to get some legal advice on tuesday as to where I stand with this.
Again thanks for your words as so far its the only portal for me.

This is just terrible OP. can you sit down with her and have it out and rely on her to be honest? How can she explain away such blatant messages?

I think it's an awful situation you have managed to stumble upon and your wife owes it to you to be COMPLETLY honest and let you decide how you feel.

I wish you much luck and take care

maxwell smart

I'm going through something similar myself. Firstly, don't do what I did, become a quivering wreck of self doubt and pity. She will look at you like you are something she stepped in and needs to get off her shoe.

The most important question, even more important than what happened between this guy and her is, DO YOU WANT HER BACK?. Now take some time to think about this. Everything that happens from now will all need to refer to the answer to that question.

If you want her back, what are the terms? Make sure you are happy with them. At least you kids are a bit older than mine (7/5/3/4 months). Look into you heart, do you believe you wife could be capable of doing these things. Has she had the opportunity? That is the question. Could she have slept with this guy on that trip 8 yrs ago and now he is back on the hunt?

Could she be flattered by the attention? Could it be an emotional affair? (Which my wife is having and doesn't even want to admit).

Other questions you need answers to:
His name and number (if there is nothing in it this should be no problem)

Is he married (ammunition)

Where does he live and work (opportunity of them meeting somewhere)

She has in iPhone I think you said (check what version of the software she has on it, if its below version 4.3 you can hook it up to iTunes, ignore the update and use a programme called openpaths.cc to see where her phone has been the last 6 months or so.)
Ask to see her phone bill. Check the calls and texts to him.

BE STRONG. If she senses weakness she will walk all over you. I have been so weak, but not anymore. Now I am in showing control and she is not liking it one bit.

Get yourself good legal advice - incase you need it.

Ask her if she thinks she should move out...see what she replies with.

You need to keep her on the hop, don't let her think you are accepting this as something that is OK, because it is not. I was you and let my wife walk all over me for the last 6-7 weeks. No more. Stand up and be strong, for yourself and if you want to save it, your marriage.

Good Luck

Abi

Totally Stunned wrote: »

she asked me "Do you still want me to move out?" I replied I dont know, that I need time to think but I feel the answer to that question will be yes.

I understand you're in shock TS, but this isn't a one night stand we're talking about here, it's an affair. It's a very LARGE breach of trust. I know you're probably all over the place, but send her packing ASAP and get legal advice on Tuesday as you said.


Don't worry about the boys, this is the right thing to do in the long term. For now all they need to know is that you and your wife have decided to split, as you weren't getting on. Firing blame about won't do any good right now, you've the more pressing issue of getting her out and getting to a solicitor.


I'm sorry to hear this happened to you OP, you seem like a lovely man and this has hit you like a tonne of bricks. I wish you and your sons all the best.

BattleCorp

Totally Stunned wrote: »

she has deleted her FaceBook account .

To cover her tracks maybe?

shinikins

In regards to the facebook profile OP, it's not totally deleted. Facebook give you something like a month to reopen it if you change your mind. If it were me in your position I would demand her to reopen it so I could read all the messages, from both sides. That way you would have a clearer idea if whether this really was a case of en ego boost or a full affair, although I would suspect the latter.

LegacyUser

I'm a 30 yo woman and I've been through/am going through the same at the moment OP but I'm a bit further down the line. My so called husband is moving out nov 1. Like you I told him he had a week to find somewhere else, now I find myself wishing I hadnt (even though he took a month). Be strong and talk to someone. It can really help to get it off your chest and cry as much as you need to. I find it can get rid of excess emotion so you can be stronger when you need to talk to them. Wishing you the best whatever you decide to do!

Ham Sambo

Honestly man I feel for you, What a way to find out. I don't know what I would do in that suitation, but what ever decision you come to I am sure it will be the right one. Best of luck and I really hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

Just an update
Went to the solictor today and while on the way she cancelled until next Tuesday. We talked today and she has said she has realised the hurt that she has caused me and the kids, the betrayal and the lost of trust. She said she wants to make another go at our relationship, but im not sure as the trust issue has been shattered and the pain is unreal. But the crazy thing is I still love her, is that normal??? Probably sounds mad....My head is still all over the place and I need time to think of what to do.
We have said nothing to the kids and are trying to keep a "civil" thing going on.
Ive spoken to a good friend in work who went through something similar a while ago and he has been great, Ive also told my brother and sisters about what is going on and they are in shock, but ive asked them not to take sides in this. She has told me she has spoke to one of her sisters about it and she has read her the roit act.
Thanks again for your support.

Neyite

Totally Stunned wrote: »

Just an update
Went to the solictor today and while on the way she cancelled until next Tuesday. We talked today and she has said she has realised the hurt that she has caused me and the kids, the betrayal and the lost of trust. She said she wants to make another go at our relationship, but im not sure as the trust issue has been shattered and the pain is unreal. But the crazy thing is I still love her, is that normal??? Probably sounds mad....My head is still all over the place and I need time to think of what to do.
We have said nothing to the kids and are trying to keep a "civil" thing going on.
Ive spoken to a good friend in work who went through something similar a while ago and he has been great, Ive also told my brother and sisters about what is going on and they are in shock, but ive asked them not to take sides in this. She has told me she has spoke to one of her sisters about it and she has read her the roit act.
Thanks again for your support.

Of course its normal that you still love her. You cant switch off love like a light switch, though that would be very useful. Right now all your goalposts have been moved, and everything you thought you knew about her is being challenged.

If she is serious about wanting to make something work, then the first move has to come from her - absolute and total honesty with you about what she did, and for how long. It seems like she is stalling and being evasive in the hope that you will weaken and not ask her to move out. You need to be crystal clear that unless there is honesty there from her, that any possible discussion about a reconcillation in the future is strictly off the table. I would say to you, hang in there. Currently there is no relationship anymore, and its up to you and her, in time, with a counsellor and only with both of you wanting it to try to build a new one.

Bodhidharma

Totally Stunned wrote: »

Just an update
Went to the solictor today and while on the way she cancelled until next Tuesday. We talked today and she has said she has realised the hurt that she has caused me and the kids, the betrayal and the lost of trust. She said she wants to make another go at our relationship, but im not sure as the trust issue has been shattered and the pain is unreal. But the crazy thing is I still love her, is that normal??? Probably sounds mad....My head is still all over the place and I need time to think of what to do.
We have said nothing to the kids and are trying to keep a "civil" thing going on.
Ive spoken to a good friend in work who went through something similar a while ago and he has been great, Ive also told my brother and sisters about what is going on and they are in shock, but ive asked them not to take sides in this. She has told me she has spoke to one of her sisters about it and she has read her the roit act.
Thanks again for your support.

I am appauled and shocked at hearing your story and you have my utmost sympathy. For what its worth I think that you have proven yourself to be a very strong person for standing up to this rotten behaviour.

As far as what happened goes, I think once the trust is gone, its gone. I gave my ex another chance and a couple of months later it was thrown back in my face when she was caught again. In the months in between I was constantly paranoid and could never trust her, it was emotionally distressing and physically exhausting.

Obviously you have children together which makes things much more difficult, but follow your instincts, they've proved right thus far.

I wish you the best.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all of you who have given such great words of support and comfort and words of wisdom.
I had a bad night last night, As I said deep down I love her, but to forgive her is a hell of a hurdle to get over and I cant see myself ever doing that. What was going through my mind last night as I sat downstairs crying was that I know she wont be my wife when and if we ever become grandparents, she wont be by my side if and when our kids get married, our sons 21st, my brothers wedding next year. And its cutting me like a knife. Our daughter is head strong and it will finish things between my wife and her totally, our son is doing his leaving cert and the studying and grinds are going good. But I know this charade cant continue that the kids will be gutted.
What is running through my head is him and her together, what they planned for that weekend, the preperation that she done, the meeting of them at the hotel...............their kiss. jesus its killing me. And yet she wants to "try" again. She has gone back to work this morning and as soon as she drove out my mind was racing and still is on who she is texting, will she reactivate her FB account?
I have told her I will find out where he lives and destroy his life just as much as he has done to mine, his wife and family have a right to know what he has done and doing....
I think my only choice is to get a court order on "mental cruelity" grounds to have her removed from the house which is not something I really want to do (but its looking like that), but I have given her the choice we can do this the easy way or the hard way.......the easy way is for her to leave and to give us both time and space to breath and see what we want. Or the hard way and thats the courts.
Again thanks for listening to me, and your words are a great comfort.

Taltos

OP - no matter what else happens please ensure you meet with your solicitor next Tuesday, actually sooner rather than later. Also in the meantime do what you can to protect your assets - not saying she will empty your accounts or anything but at this stage with zero trust I would not put it past her.

Of course you still love her - would not expect that to change overnight. However, without being able to trust her - what real future do you have?
Hand on heart - what do you think would have happened if you had not caught her? In terms of cheating I am black-and-white - if she loved you even half as much as you love her she would not have done something that is causing you so much pain.

LegacyUser

I have been told by the solictor (Family Law) that Tuesday is the only day that she can see me, which give me time to draw up some questions on where I stand. We have seperate bank accounts, We are in a lucky situation that we have cleared our mortgage 2 yrs ago. But that could go out the window if she decides to get messy with this.
Im also in the process of finding a good counciler to talk to, to talk me through what to do next, to help me rebuilding both our kids and mine futures without too much damage for want of a better word.
Another thing that has crossed my mind is STI's which is another hurdle.

DrPhilG

Taltos wrote: »

if she loved you even half as much as you love her she would not have done something that is causing you so much pain.

That sums up my feelings.

I do not believe that you can cheat on someone if you still love them. There has to come a point of no return where you know what you're doing and know what it will do to them and if you proceed past that point then it's over.

As much as I love my wife, if she cheated on me she'd be out the door. End of story. Horrible situation for you though, all the best.

PAULWATSON

Deleted User wrote: »

pack her stuff for her and order her a taxi

You said it pal.

Ickle Magoo

PAULWATSON, that's why we have the thanks button. If you have no constructive advice to offer the OP then kindly refrain from posting.

Please take the time to read the [URL="http http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks

binxeo

I am so sorry for what you are going through, this is not an easy thing for anyone to go through!!!

Please Kill Me

@ OP, sincerest apologies for what you're going through. It's hard, but if this is what she's like, you're probably better off without her....as hard as that may sound. Put it down as bad experience, forget about it and move on. It's just a pity you found out the way you did. One of the many reasons I dislike facebook!! Best of luck lad.

maxwell smart

You have to try to be strong, stronger than you have ever been.
Forget about who she is texting, you will drive yourself mad.
The question is DO YOU WANT TO MAKE IT WORK?
And does she?

You both need counselling if you want it to work. Don't let the doubts in your head eat you up, that is what happened to me and it destroyed me.

You need to reset everything, forget and exorcise the past. Start again with new rules, new boundaries, new honesty and a new level of trust. You both need to buy into this, this is a 2 person job.

I understand your pain, it's like a death. You can't imagine going on without her, because she has always been there for you. I know it's heart breaking. Does she know how it is hurting you? Is it hurting her?

Something very difficult I would recommend, forget about him, don't validate his existence. If she says it is over then block him out of your mind if possible. If you really want to move on, he can have no value in your future.

I know you feel 'how can I trust her again'? Well it will take time. The question is, do you think she is worth it?

For me, I will wait a long time for my wife.....but not forever. And that is something that hurts when you realise that it may never be fixed and you need to move on.

Again, stay strong. Nothing in life is unfixible if you both want it. At the moment my wife does not want to fix us, and it kills me.


Be Strong & Good Luck.

You are not alone.

aidan24326

If she's pleading with you to give your relationship another go, tell her you need her to be honest with you before you could even think about that. Because I'm sure her lies and evasiveness are only breaking the trust even further. Also, you do need to establish what has actually been going on. Like are you sure she's been having an affair? And if so, what was the extent of it?

Morbert

Totally Stunned wrote: »

I have told her I will find out where he lives and destroy his life just as much as he has done to mine, his wife and family have a right to know what he has done and doing....

While I can understand the anger, but there is one person, and only one person who destroyed that part of your life: your wife.

Carriexx

I just wanted to say i really feel for you. PLease make no rash decisions and sit down with your thoughts and go through everything yourself - dont necessarily listen to bits of adivce from loads of different directions - its your future!

LegacyUser

maxwell smart, I find your words great support and it cant be easy for you with your own situation and my heart goes out too you for what is a very rocky road for both of you.

We have talked over the last couple of days and got a lot off our chests in what happened in the past, basically a lot of mud slinging. I "was controlling" and Ive asked what that meant but ive been told she cant put it into words? . Ive suggested that we both write down everything that has effected our marriage both good and bad, maybe just to find out where it went wrong for both of us.
She has agreed to go counselling for herself to find out where she went wrong and why it happened to her. I myself have made arrangements likewise and with the end result that we BOTH go as a couple to a counsellor and see where that brings us. Its going to be a very long road, bumpy and very uncertain.
She told me that I'am "a brillant husband, father, man" but someone else was giving her the "emotional" attention that she wasnt getting because I was "controlling".
She realises now that the damage that has been done, the broken trust, the betrayal, and the hurt and knows at the end of all the counselling it still might not work.
Im still going to the solictor on Tuesday to find out legally the pitfalls and she knows about this.
Carriexx Im not making rash decisions, Ive been thinking things over as only a person who has had their life walked on by a loved one so if ive came across like that its just that im still very raw at the moment.
Where this is going to lead to I can honestly say I dont know, but through communication a lot of tears, and a hell of a lot of will power maybe, just maybe we can find a resolve to this.
Trust is the biggest hurdle that will probably never be healed but one thing none of us can see is the future.
I will try and keep this updated on how things are going (if the Mods allow) for the sake of someone out there who was/is in the same place as my wife and myself, even just to show the hurt and the pain and maybe.........just maybe the hell of a long road to such a thing called recovery from this emotional car crash.
Again thanks to all.

Bodhidharma

No matter how controlling you were, cheating wasn't and never can be justified, I really hope it works out for you. Good luck and I hope you feel better.

LegacyUser

I hope it works out for you but a year long affair is not equal to being controlling. If you were controlling all she had to do was say it. Instead she went out - and I'm sorry to use crude language but I feel its the only way to get through to you - ****ed her brains out with another man for months. Being controlling does not condone that. Look at the difference between what you did and what she did. That said, if you really realize that she was massively in the wrong and still want to give her another chance then good luck and I hope it works out for you I do feel I have to leave this on a sour note though because in my experience, once a cheater, always a cheater. Whats worse now if you get suspicious if she starts up again she'll have the get out of jail card of 'stop being controlling'

LegacyUser

I never said there was a comparision between "controlling" and what she done, But as I stated there was a lot of mud slinging and pent up issues that were aired over the last few days. I have said to her that she couldnt even put "controlling" in the shadow of what she done.
Maybe Im stupid for trying to work things out, but if I dont I'll never know. Ive dug deep over the last couple of days on what to do, again her actions are unforgivable but I need see what happens if this counselling doesnt work out.
Maybe I should have just went upstairs and threw her stuff into a bin bag and sent her packing, our kids are of paramount at THIS moment, Yes she realises that she WAS and still IS a position to lose everything if this last chance doesnt work.
Maybe I should have shouted it from the top of the roof what she had done, yea it would have made me feel brillant, but id still be in the same position as I am now.
Maybe I should have said nothing and wait for it to get worse and catch them.
Things are still very very raw at the moment, and there are no
guarantees that what we are doing here is right but we dont know until we give it a go. I could be back here in a week saying its all done and dusted and we have gone our seperate ways, but without finding answers to questions that we dont even know yet I cant say.

LegacyUser

I find it interesting that she says you were controlling but when you ask her what she means she can't explain. Does she mean emotionally controlling? finanically controlling? while you obviously have a lot of stuff going on between you I find her story very hard to believe.
One of my best friends was in a relationship with guy who was controlling which meant he knew her every move. If she went out for a night out - she would get about 50 txts from him, if she spoke to another guy he would think there was something going on, thank god in the end he broke up with her.
So if you were controlling how was she able to have a year long affair with out you even noticing. Best of luck sorting it out but I think you'll find it very hard to trust her ever again.

dixiefly

It sounds like she needed an excuse and, after having some time to think about it, she managed to try and pin at least some of the blame on you.

How often over the years did she tell you that youe were controlling?

I would believe very little from her at the moment. She succeeded in lying to you for a year....it is more likely that she is still lying at least to some extent and, in my mind, any of her statements proobably cannt be trusted.

maxwell smart

Totally Stunned wrote: »

I never said there was a comparision between "controlling" and what she done, But as I stated there was a lot of mud slinging and pent up issues that were aired over the last few days. I have said to her that she couldnt even put "controlling" in the shadow of what she done.
Maybe Im stupid for trying to work things out, but if I dont I'll never know. Ive dug deep over the last couple of days on what to do, again her actions are unforgivable but I need see what happens if this counselling doesnt work out.
Maybe I should have just went upstairs and threw her stuff into a bin bag and sent her packing, our kids are of paramount at THIS moment, Yes she realises that she WAS and still IS a position to lose everything if this last chance doesnt work.
Maybe I should have shouted it from the top of the roof what she had done, yea it would have made me feel brillant, but id still be in the same position as I am now.
Maybe I should have said nothing and wait for it to get worse and catch them.
Things are still very very raw at the moment, and there are no
guarantees that what we are doing here is right but we dont know until we give it a go. I could be back here in a week saying its all done and dusted and we have gone our seperate ways, but without finding answers to questions that we dont even know yet I cant say.

Stay the course, follow what you think will get you to your goal. If that is to regain trust and love then all the better. You have shown great restraint by not over reacting and throwing her stuff in a bin liner.

Remember that the pain you feel can be healed, if you want it to be.

Take heart in her agreeing to go to councilling, its all too easy to be a cynic in this day and age.
Only you know if you will ever trust her again, but take this step by her as a positive. At this stage, what have you to lose? You have already lost her. Perhaps there is a chance to get her back, in a relationship that is better than before.

Good Luck, you are not alone.

dudara

People can find it very hard to articulate their feelings. Especially when they're under pressure or put on the spot. It can take a long time to really figure out what you're feeling.

Right now, she's gotten as far as "controlling". There's probably a long way to go yet to get to the real truth. Counselling and more conversations will help.

I really admire how you're handling this - I think you're on the right path for yourself. Regardless of the outcome of all this, you're dealing with it in a way that means you'll be able to heal and continue.

Taltos

maxwell smart wrote: »

....She has in iPhone I think you said (check what version of the software she has on it, if i.....

maxwell smart - while I can understand that you are trying to help the OP here - providing advice on how to invade their privacy in regards to the iPhone and the specific app being called out is a big no-no.

Please take the time to review our charter again as similar breaches going forwards may result in warnings/infractions &/or bans.

(apologies for not responding to this sooner but post in question was just flagged).

Taltos

LegacyUser

Totally Stunned wrote: »

Maybe Im stupid for trying to work things out, but if I dont I'll never know. Ive dug deep over the last couple of days on what to do, again her actions are unforgivable but I need see what happens if this counselling doesnt work out.
Maybe I should have just went upstairs and threw her stuff into a bin bag and sent her packing, our kids are of paramount at THIS moment, Yes she realises that she WAS and still IS a position to lose everything if this last chance doesnt work.

No, you're not stupid. I wish you'd stop saying things like that. You have built a life with her and she's taken it for granted, but that doesn't erase all the good things. But you have children and you're putting them first. Whatever your faults and we all have them, you sound like an amazing father. I personally don't think she deserves you, so I hope she realizes how lucky she is - and that she bends over backwards and jumps through hoops to show you that she knows it.