Death Etiquette

Big Nasty

A little morbid I know but I had a strange thought today (one of many)!

Say a friend of yours dies (touch wood they don't) and he has a facebook account, or whatever other thing replaces fb in time. So should you / would you post 'RIP dude' or whatever message you think appropriate on his 'wall'?

I don't have any contacts on social networking sites that have died but maybe someone here has. What's the right thing to do? Be a pal and post or be a fool and post something that the person will never get to read?

the groutch

What is this face book of which you speak?

minidazzler

I don't ever. Seems pretty pointless and becomes a competition for some people who start writing about how they got on best with them.

AnamGlas

If they gave you the password, log on and change status to "Chillin' with Jesus"

jaykay74

Eh, if he is your friend then I'd be more inclined to talk to his parents, siblings or other friends than post on FB about it. Would be a bit odd I think.

Plazaman

The internet has taken over everything and the old RIP on a Facebook site or online condolenes replaces the Mass Card through the letterbox (thankfully cause where I am, it's like asking for a kidney in order to get a Mass Card - only done it twice so hope no one else I know dies.....ever)

My name is URL

MCMLXXV wrote: »

A little morbid I know but I had a strange thought today (one of many)!

Say a friend of yours dies (touch wood they don't) and he has a facebook account, or whatever other thing replaces fb in time. So should you / would you post 'RIP dude' or whatever message you think appropriate on his 'wall'?

I don't have any contacts on social networking sites that have died but maybe someone here has. What's the right thing to do? Be a pal and post or be a fool and post something that the person will never get to read?

If it was a close friend then posting RIP on his FB page would seem a bit pointless to me. You'd presumably be sharing your condolences with his family which is what matters.

Keith186

Post something like 'Happy deathday dude'.

That way its not as morbid as RIP.

Einhard

An acquaintance of mine committed suicide a few years back. he had been on FB but we hadn't signed one another up. I logged on the other day, and there was a message suggesting him as a potential friend. Got a real shock tbh.

Gee Bag

It's a pity facebook doesn't have a dislike button for occasions such as hearing about a friends death.

KeithM89_old

A friend of mine died a few months back and on his fb page, everyone would post about fun times the had with him then some of the stories got read at his funeral. It wasnt cheesy or anything and meant more than just saying 'RIP'

Big Nasty

Einhard wrote: »

An acquaintance of mine committed suicide a few years back. he had been on FB but we hadn't signed one another up. I logged on the other day, and there was a message suggesting him as a potential friend. Got a real shock tbh.

There lies another question - should your accounts on facebook, boards, wherever else you socialise on line be closed if you pass away?

mackg

What ever I have to say to a friend who has died I would say when I visit their grave. I think the whole facebook thing is more for people who you weren't that close to.

Gee Bag

MCMLXXV wrote: »

There lies another question - should your accounts on facebook, boards, wherever else you socialise on line be closed if you pass away?

They are closed down if the family request it

mackg

KeithM89 wrote: »

A friend of mine died a few months back and on his fb page, everyone would post about fun times the had with him then some of the stories got read at his funeral. It wasnt cheesy or anything and meant more than just saying 'RIP'

That's actually really nice.

hondasam

It is very common to post on FB, some people keep posting every few weeks.
I don't agree with it myself. I think their FB accounts should be closed.

Princess Peach

AnamGlas wrote: »

If they gave you the password, log on and change status to "Chillin' with Jesus"

I posted this exact same post a few days ago! Thanks stealer.

minidazzler

Gee Bag wrote: »

They are closed down if the family request it

Oh, I'm setting up 3 accounts in my best friends parents and brothers names and having him declared dead. It's like when you are going out with someone these days it's not official til it's facebook official, you ain't dead til you're facebook dead.

stupidusername

Gee Bag wrote: »

It's a pity facebook doesn't have a dislike button for occasions such as hearing about a friends death.

sure can't you just do a sad face instead. should convey your grief well enough.

mackg wrote: »

What ever I have to say to a friend who has died I would say when I visit their grave. I think the whole facebook thing is more for people who you weren't that close to.

thank you for this. maybe i'm just a big oldie but the idea of saying RIP on someone's page or online anywhere about someones death seems almost disrespectful.

Gee Bag

minidazzler wrote: »

Oh, I'm setting up 3 accounts in my best friends parents and brothers names and having him declared dead. It's like when you are going out with someone these days it's not official til it's facebook official, you ain't dead til you're facebook dead.

If there are loads of 'OMG your dead.... RIP' messages on an account then it can be closed down. My mate had his account closed by his sister after he died.

hondasam

Gee Bag wrote: »

They are closed down if the family request it

It takes time to close fb, you need a death cert to close it.

Eroticfishcake

KeithM89 wrote: »

A friend of mine died a few months back and on his fb page, everyone would post about fun times the had with him then some of the stories got read at his funeral. It wasnt cheesy or anything and meant more than just saying 'RIP'

It's also comforting for the family to be able to read these stories which they more than likely would never have even heard otherwise.

Big Nasty

stupidusername wrote: »

maybe i'm just a big oldie but the idea of saying RIP on someone's page or online anywhere about someones death seems almost disrespectful.

That's more what I'm getting at in my OP.

Of course you condole directly to the family but is it thoughtful or crass to post 'I'm gonna miss you dude' on a recently deceased friends wall?

stupidusername

MCMLXXV wrote: »

That's more what I'm getting at in my OP.

Of course you condole directly to the family but is it thoughtful or crass to post 'I'm gonna miss you dude' on a recently deceased friends wall?

i can never explain things properly! :mad: yes, crass is what I mean. very crass.

amdublin

Gee Bag wrote: »

They are closed down if the family request it

Or they are "immortalized" if the family request it (or some word like that, may not be the exact right word)

amdublin

amdublin wrote: »

Or they are "immortalized" if the family request it (or some word like that, may not be the exact right word)

Memorialize is the word, sorry

amacachi

Not just for Facebook but my general rule is to shut the fcuk up.

jaykay74

MCMLXXV wrote: »

Of course you condole directly to the family but is it thoughtful or crass to post 'I'm gonna miss you dude' on a recently deceased friends wall?

I dont think I would judge anyone badly for doing it but even though I use Facebook I wouldnt post something like that.

I would however tweet 'I'm gonna miss you dude' with a Please RT message to various celebs. Think it would be appropriate and add a touch of class to a sad occasion.

Big Nasty

stupidusername wrote: »

i can never explain things properly! :mad: yes, crass is what I mean. very crass.

I understood what you meant - in fact you put it better than I did in my OP. I'm just undecided on whether it's completely crass or not. I'm 60/40 in favour of crass at the moment.

FruitLover

the groutch wrote: »

What is this face book of which you speak?

When a friend dies, it's customary to construct a book from the dismembered faces of their enemies, then write condolences in it and present it to the family.

My name is URL

What about 'tribute' pages? Do they exist on FB? I'd hate to think that my friends would set up one of them for me after I die.. having done my best to avoid using the site while alive.

minidazzler

jaykay74 wrote: »

I dont think I would judge anyone badly for doing it but even though I use Facebook I wouldnt post something like that.

I would however tweet 'I'm gonna miss you dude' with a Please RT message to various celebs. Think it would be appropriate and add a touch of class to a sad occasion.

It really doesn't. Unless the celebrity in question knew the person. It's not meaningful at all.

Joey The Gowl

MCMLXXV wrote: »

A little morbid I know but I had a strange thought today (one of many)!

Say a friend of yours dies (touch wood they don't) and he has a facebook account, or whatever other thing replaces fb in time. So should you / would you post 'RIP dude' or whatever message you think appropriate on his 'wall'?

I don't have any contacts on social networking sites that have died but maybe someone here has. What's the right thing to do? Be a pal and post or be a fool and post something that the person will never get to read?

I think a far more pressing matter would be to remove all porn, drugs, blow up dolls etc. from the residence of your friend before their parents come to clear out his/ her possessions.

jaykay74

minidazzler wrote: »

It really doesn't. Unless the celebrity in question knew the person. It's not meaningful at all.

You took that seriously :pac:

stupidusername

when my mam died, the other girl in my class in college found out (we didn't get on so obviously I didn't tell her, plus I had been out for a little while) she wrote on my FB page, sorry to hear about your mam

maybe other people don't feel the same way, but to me it's a disgusting way to talk to someone about a death.

minidazzler

jaykay74 wrote: »

You took that seriously :pac:

In fairness, some people are that stupid. Now that I inspect your username closer though it would appear you were J/K.

WonderWoman!

I wouldnt think technology is a good way to say your goodbyes

however if there are good memories or something then post them rather than rip .People who say RIP on facebook tend to be the ones who dont bother going to the funeral

Senna

The fact this question is being debated is just another reason I hate facebook.

Big Nasty

stupidusername wrote: »

when my mam died, the other girl in my class in college found out (we didn't get on so obviously I didn't tell her, plus I had been out for a little while) she wrote on my FB page, sorry to hear about your mam

maybe other people don't feel the same way, but to me it's a disgusting way to talk to someone about a death.

I don't know - there's two ways of looking at that:

A - if she really meant it she should have said it to your face.

B - a girl you normally wouldn't talk to made the effort to offer her condolences.

Sorry to hear about your mam BTW!

stupidusername

MCMLXXV wrote: »

I don't know - there's two ways of looking at that:

A - if she really meant it she should have said it to your face.

B - a girl you normally wouldn't talk to made the effort to offer her condolences.

Sorry to hear about your mam BTW!

yeah or you could say why couldn't she phone me to say it, or even send a private message on FB. as it was, it was like sending a text like "omg sry2hr bout ur mam x" it has the same lacking of sincerity because it's done through that medium. though I couldn't explain why.

hondasam

stupidusername wrote: »

yeah or you could say why couldn't she phone me to say it, or even send a private message on FB. as it was, it was like sending a text like "omg sry2hr bout ur mam x" it has the same lacking of sincerity because it's done through that medium. though I couldn't explain why.

A private message would have been more appropriate until she met you in person.
I think messages on FB for young people are ok for a few days but some of them can go ott.

Dravokivich

I'd rather convey my condolences personally amongst friends and family as opposed to over an open medium.

efb

I emailed my condolences to an old college mate once. Still feel funny about doing it.

df1985

god forbid if someothing happened to me now id want my facebook page left open, friends could look back on pictures of us together and happier times.

Oranage2

Looking at peoples Facebook who have committed suicide i think its a great tribute to the person, its mostly things like stories and 'miss you' but it must be nice to see for family members that their son/daughter was loved and will be missed.

G_R

As others have said, I think it's really nice to see all the stories that people have about the deceased. I remember reading through the wall of someone I know who died, wasn't really a close friend btw, and I couldn't help but that that the funeral would have been a whole lot better if it was just people standing up and telling the gathering about a story they have about the deceased. It actually made me smile while reading it.

I would say that it's also really nice for family to read. It must be good to know that your son/daughter/husband/wife/brother/sister/whatever had so many good times in their life, and had so many good friends who will genuinely miss them now that they're gone. Might even make them think, well the lived a really good life up until this point.

TL;DR: Yeah, all in all, I think it's a good thing, so long as the wall posts are a little more than RIP Buddy, or RIP xxxx

Azureus

I only have one friend who this would relate to, and I remember talking to his parents at the funeral. They said that they got a massive source of comfort out of reading his facebook page, with people posting stories and messages for him on it. I suppose people that are close to the person passed would often know a different side to what parents etc would have known, so it made them feel closer to him in a way. And showed the extent his loss was felt/a nice way to celebrate their life and reminisce.
I remember a friend telling me about how she was looking at a different friends facebook page after they had died-and that they appeared 'online' in the chat bar (turns out his mother had accessed his page). Freaky when you dont know that though.

Miss Brightside

A young lad I know who passed away, his sisters still post messages on his Facebook all the time, telling him they miss him, memories that might have come to them, songs he liked, etc.

Not a bad thing if it's a comfort to friends and family IMO.

randylonghorn

A boardsie who was living / teaching abroad died during the year. A lot of her friends and colleagues abroad, her students, even backpackers who had bumped into her and were now back in their own countries, used her FB page to leave a message of sympathy for her family, and share little memories and stories.

I suppose like some others here I'm old enough (and a non-FB addict to boot) that up until then I would have found the idea a bit strange, but that kind of converted me. I think it's all about the person's intent really, and that usually shows through.

dlofnep

One of the lads (more a friend of a friend) got hit by a car last year. Really lovely guy. Reading the messages left on his facebook would make your eyes water. I'd check back from time to time, just out of curiosity - you'd see people tagging old photos of him, and his sister posting once a week to tell him she loves him. It's a way for people to vent, and to share whatever is on their mind. I think it's one of the better sides of facebook to be honest.

stupidfishy

A few months back my friends ex-girlfriend passed suddenly and her family accessed her facebook account and created her funeral as an event, inviting everyone on her friends list.

Personally I found this to be quite strange, particularly imagining that any of her 500+ fb friends weren't aware of her death until they logged on and were greeted with an 'invite' to her funeral.