Married but been with a guy

MarriedButBi

Hi. As the subject says, I am married, and I have been with a guy recently. I dont really know where to start with all this, nor what to do. I dont think it is going to harm my relationship with my wife, well not unless she was to fnd out. I feel only moderately guilty about it. And I already want to explore more. I'd have no interest being with another woman, although I am very attracted to women, but I have a woman I am attracted to. Its just the man side of things she cant fulfill, like she does not have a mans body, at the risk of stating the bleeding obvious.

I suppose it's a simple question of either giving into my desire or denying it. Is this something lots of people encounter? What have people done about it before - would counselling help or something like that? I've always been totally faithful, been tempted by and propositioned by hot women, but I wouldnt do that. But this is different, in my head anyway.

I've kind of known forever that I am not simple-straight. When I was younger, early teens, I played around a bit with one of my friends. He was a little older than me, and we liked each other. It was more physical, i.e. not kissing/hugging. I've always had, on and off, fantasies about trying things with a guy again, but never put my place in the situation to make it happen. So maybe I just dont put myself in that situation again.

I suppose its no major drama really, its just I want to get my head around by seeing if other people have all this stuff flying around their head. I know I'm not gay because I fancy women. But now I am having loads and loads of fantasies about men, reading gay porn on net etc. It's all become a bit much.

Aishae

Hi OP, I understand the desire to explore your sexuality but being bi doesn't give someone an excuse to cheat. I understand the desire i do But most people I've heard talk about this issue are very vehement about it being cheating.

But! You could explore your sexuality without sex. Theres the Gay porn etc. Even animated sex games online.

I can't really say if it's a common feeling that by being with a woman only you're missing out on men. I thought I was bi for a few years but I never felt like that because when I commit, I commit (and later discovered I'm definitely a ladyfan)

I do think; from your post, I gather you feel 'well it isn't hurting my wife, I still love her etc' but that sounds like one of the classic excuses used for cheating.


I hope you can figure out where your head is at and resolve it without massive fallout op.

azezil

MarriedButBi wrote: »

I've always been totally faithful, been tempted by and propositioned by hot women, but I wouldnt do that. But this is different, in my head anyway.

And that's where you'd be wrong.
It is cheating, simple as.

Dwn Wth Vwls

MarriedButBi wrote: »

I suppose it's a simple question of either giving into my desire or denying it.

I think this is your problem here, you need the third option. Denying anything leads you to a bad place. Cheating on your wife is not fair to her. All you can do is accept your desires, but deal with them in the same way you deal with desires for other women. Appreciate other men, look at all the porn you want, but draw the line at cheating. Do you really want to be one of those guys running around behind his wife's back?

I'd suggest telling your wife, but she would undoubtedly ask if you had cheated with a man. So it's probably a bit late for that.

apache

no comment

i hate cheating gay, straight, trans or "bi". i'm lady gagas little monster!

MarriedButBi

Thanks for the replies.

I know it goes no further than - its cheating.

I will continue to explore my sexuality with porn, stories etc. I dont think that telling her will work out for either of us...

Locker10a

MarriedButBi wrote: »

I've always been totally faithful, been tempted by and propositioned by hot women, but I wouldnt do that. But this is different, in my head anyway.

.

ZERO difference ! Your a cheater. Stop trying to convince yourself your not ! Its plain and simple! You either grab a hold of youself, cop on and love your wife or you end things here to fulfil your sexual desires ! You decide !
both is not an option.

p.s. cheaters always get caught:mad:

Aishae

Something to consider OP: embracing your sexuality doesn't mean you have to have sex with a man. You love your wife, so that is enough surely? Plenty of people who identify as gay or bi never have been with someone of the same sex sexually.

WonderWoman!

I don't condone cheating - which is what i feel you'd be doing - so sorry

MarriedButBi

I'm under no illusion - I know I cheated.

Thanks Aishae, I think I will take ur advice. I actually told her years ago that I was bi, after a night out, when we were having sex, but its never been mentioned since and I think she genuinely does not remember!

foggy_lad

From your comment about your wife not having a mans body would it help your situation if you were able to introduce certain sex toys in the bedroom? It seemed like you were saying you wanted something she is not physically able to give you but an adult store may have a solution?

dreamer_ire

MarriedButBi wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I know it goes no further than - its cheating.

I will continue to explore my sexuality with porn, stories etc. I dont think that telling her will work out for either of us...

I don't think that not telling her will work out for either of you tbh. If you have a good relationship with her it's only a matter of time before she realises you are keeping something from her, and lets be honest if you have cheated before with only mild guilt do you really think you won't do it again?

You do need to talk to her, and the sooner the better imo.

stephen_n

Would it be considered embracing your sexuality if you were hetero and having sex with women other than your wife? I'm Bi I don't need to be having sex with men to explore that, understand it or for that matter embrace it. I'm in a monogamous relationship with a women and therefore I don't have sex with anyone else regardless of gender but it doesn't make me any less Bi.

Coeurdepirate

Sorry op, but I don't think you're gonna get much advice here on how to cheat.

bodice ripper

MarriedButBi wrote: »

I've always been totally faithful, been tempted by and propositioned by hot women, but I wouldnt do that. But this is different, in my head anyway.

for a forum where everyone goes ape**** about denying people's identities, it is amazing how certainly everyone gets to feel about this statement not being true....

if it is different for you - then it is. don't let other people tell you how *you* feel about it. don't let other people tell you that beacuse they are bi and are fulfilled sexually by one gender that you should be too. their experience of being bi is not yours and there is no consensus experience.

if you feel you need men and women to be sated sexually, no one can tell you that you are wrong. consenting adults and all that...

which is the issue unfortunately - your missus is not consenting to being involved, as she doesn't know. that is not ok.

moceri

You need to consider how you would feel if you found out if your wife had relations with another woman and took the same view as you do. You need to evaluate what you want in terms of a life partner who will satisfy you emotionally and physically. Don't live a lie and don't think you can lead a double life and keep it from your wife. Talk to her.

floggg

Seriously, what position is anybody in to say to this man to tell his wife without knowing either of them or their circumstances? It's great and all being able to give out advice from behind a computer screen, but there are real people involved. I don't know if they have kids or what but that could have pretty big consequences. it should be up to thr OP to decide if when and what he tells his wife.

Im not going to encourage or condone the cheating, but there is no point in judging him. It won't do anything, other than maybe make him reluctant to post again and try to deal with this other ways which might cause more hurt for all involved.

OP what I will say from my own experience is that casual sex won't help you figure things out. It will only provide some temporary relief.

It was only when I worked it out in my head did it all make sense. It might help to talk to somebody about it. I understand obviously that you may not want to talk to people close to the both of you but a trusted friend, or counsellor or something might help. Until you tackle it mentally though casual sex won't do anything, only add to the confusion.

easychair

floggg wrote: »

Im not going to encourage or condone the cheating, but there is no point in judging him.

Are you judging someone here is judging him?

None of us has the power to suspend our faculties of judgement, although it is often ironic that those who tell others not to judge are, themselves, judging those who are judging others.

I am quite heartened by the lack of equivocation here. I've used a certain well known gay website in the past, and was often shocked that many men there, who had partners whether male or female, seemed to have no shame at all about the fact that they were openly deceiving their partners. Not only were they deceiving their partners, but they talked about it as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

There is a whole spectrum of gay/str8, and we are all someone there. While I understand the desire of many men, for otehr men, who have made a commitment to a woman, no one held a gun to their head and forced them to make a commitment.

One has to wonder why they made this commitment, as being attracted to other men isn't something which came suddenly upon them at a later time.

The one thing we owe our partners is honesty, and it just isn't good enough to think it's ok to deceive ones partner.

stephen_n

easychair wrote: »

One has to wonder why they made this commitment, as being attracted to other men isn't something which came suddenly upon them at a later time.

partner.

And you know this how???

MarriedButBi

Aishae wrote: »

Something to consider OP: embracing your sexuality doesn't mean you have to have sex with a man. You love your wife, so that is enough surely? Plenty of people who identify as gay or bi never have been with someone of the same sex sexually.

thanks, helpful post

moceri wrote: »

You need to consider how you would feel if you found out if your wife had relations with another woman and took the same view as you do. You need to evaluate what you want in terms of a life partner who will satisfy you emotionally and physically. Don't live a lie and don't think you can lead a double life and keep it from your wife. Talk to her.

I dont want to lead a double life, nor hide stuff. I think talking to someone about it will help, so am heading that direction.

floggg wrote: »

Seriously, what position is anybody in to say to this man to tell his wife without knowing either of them or their circumstances? It's great and all being able to give out advice from behind a computer screen, but there are real people involved. I don't know if they have kids or what but that could have pretty big consequences. it should be up to thr OP to decide if when and what he tells his wife.

Im not going to encourage or condone the cheating, but there is no point in judging him. It won't do anything, other than maybe make him reluctant to post again and try to deal with this other ways which might cause more hurt for all involved.

OP what I will say from my own experience is that casual sex won't help you figure things out. It will only provide some temporary relief.

It was only when I worked it out in my head did it all make sense. It might help to talk to somebody about it. I understand obviously that you may not want to talk to people close to the both of you but a trusted friend, or counsellor or something might help. Until you tackle it mentally though casual sex won't do anything, only add to the confusion.

Thanks for this. I'm going to talk to a counsellor and see how I get on. I may talk to herself, and talk about introducing sex toys, as another helpful post suggested. She's quite a complex mixture of conservative & on-for-anthing, so that might go either way

easychair

stephen_n wrote: »

And you know this how???

I've never met anyone who was sexually attracted to one sex for many years, and then suddenly their attraction changes.

In any case that's not really relevant.

We can all understand how difficult that it must be to be, basically, gay and in a str8 marriage.

At the time of making the commitment to ones spouse, it's hard to believe that one had no inkling that one was not entirely str8.

If, after making this commitment to someone else, one decides one is no longer able to keep to that commitment, then the honerable thing to do is to discuss that with the spouse, and decide on a course of action.

To me, it's not acceptable behaviour to decide to forget ones commitment, and just go ahead and pretend one never made a commitment.

stephen_n

easychair wrote: »

I've never met anyone who was sexually attracted to one sex for many years, and then suddenly their attraction changes.

commitment.

Well you have now!

WonderWoman!

easychair wrote: »

I've never met anyone who was sexually attracted to one sex for many years, and then suddenly their attraction changes.

thats not to say they dont exist

easychair

stephen_n wrote: »

Well you have now!

I wonder how that happens. One day a man is happily heterosexual, having never before been sexually attracted to a man, and then ABRACADABRA!, something happens and he is suddenly primarily attracted to other men.

apache

easychair wrote: »

I wonder how that happens. One day a man is happily heterosexual, having never before been sexually attracted to a man, and then ABRACADABRA!, something happens and he is suddenly primarily attracted to other men.

i don't understand it either easychair but i know a few people like that. i also know a couple who are girls who are married who both identify as bisexuals. i don't understand that either.
i also know a lot of straight homophobic men who go to rent boys. i don't understand that either.
i really don't care what anybody does as long as it dosen't affect me or hurt others.
it is a huge spectrum of sexuality and some of us who are rigid in what we believe in and feel do find it difficult to understand others who are a lot more "fluid" for want of a better word.

never the twain shall meet.

Annasopra

easychair wrote: »

I wonder how that happens. One day a man is happily heterosexual, having never before been sexually attracted to a man, and then ABRACADABRA!, something happens and he is suddenly primarily attracted to other men.

That's what Stephen just said - yes

jaffacakesyum

apache wrote: »

i don't understand it either easychair but i know a few people like that. i also know a couple who are girls who are married who both identify as bisexuals. i don't understand that either.
i also know a lot of straight homophobic men who go to rent boys. i don't understand that either.
i really don't care what anybody does as long as it dosen't affect me or hurt others.
it is a huge spectrum of sexuality and some of us who are rigid in what we believe in and feel do find it difficult to understand others who are a lot more "fluid" for want of a better word.

never the twain shall meet.

Yes because it's shocking that bisexuals (i.e. people who are attracted to both sexes) can settle down and marry?? :rolleyes:

L.Jenkins

It is possible. I find my own sexuality is in question at the moment and I seem to be giving it alot of thought lately. I've always been attracted to woman, but for some reason I seem to be more inclined to hetrosexuality lately. Maybe it's just me, but sexual attraction does change.

stephen_n

easychair wrote: »

I wonder how that happens. One day a man is happily heterosexual, having never before been sexually attracted to a man, and then ABRACADABRA!, something happens and he is suddenly primarily attracted to other men.

So bisexual men do not exist in your experience?

I was never consciously aware of being attracted to men till I was 32. That doesn't mean I wasn't just means I was not aware of it and in that time I had been married and even separated so it does happen!

apache

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Yes because it's shocking that bisexuals (i.e. people who are attracted to both sexes) can settle down and marry?? :rolleyes:

i never said it was shocking. i'm just being honest in saying i don't understand it. i'm not ignorant. far from it.
and if you read what i said i said it was difficult for others to understand others. we all have our own mojo. it is only natural to be drawn towards others who feel the same.

jaffacakesyum

apache wrote: »

i never said it was shocking. i'm just being honest in saying i don't understand it. i'm not ignorant. far from it.

What don't you understand? You said they were 2 girls right?

Well then, bisexual girl A (who is attracted to men and women) meets bisexual girl B (who is attracted to men and women). They form a relationship (seeing as they're both attracted to women).

I'm not trying to be a smart arse here, I just don't understand what's complicated about that?