Have I grounds to be angry?

LegacyUser

I just want a general concensus whether I have grounds to be angry, or if I'm over-reacting.

I've been living with my fiance for 2 and a half years. We go out most weekends. On Saturday night he sayed he wanted to stay in and that was fine with me..but I asked if this meant he would be going drinking on Sunday, as this is what usually happens if he stays in on a Saturday night. He thinks he's being good, staying in and 'saving' but then by Sunday he feels hard done by and goes out on the piss then instead, and ends up with a massive hangover on the Monday. He said no way, he was staying in all weekend.

On Sunday I heard him on the phone arranging to meet up with a friend..when he got off the phone, I asked if he was going drinking and he ate the head off me, saying he told me he wasn't going drinking already, and he was going to watch football. That was fine.

He went out and came home a couple of hours later..then said he was meeting some fella for 1 or 2 drinks. This was at 6.30pm. I asked if he was staying out and he insisted no, one or 2 drinks.

He eventually arrived home at 5.15am this morning. I texted him at 12 last night and rang him at 4.30am but he ignored both. He came in, stumbled into the living room and fell asleep on the sofa.

I was raging at this point, cos I literally didn't get a wink of sleep, cos when I'm expecting to hear a key in the door at any time I don't settle.

I woke up this morning at 7.30am, he was still laying on the sofa, should have been up and away to work for 6am. I had a massive job waking him, he has several missed calls on his phone from his boss and it was clear to see he was still absolutely hammered. He got up and drove to work god knows how many times over the drink-driving limit.

This happens every few months. I don't understand why he can't just be straight and say if he's staying out. I had to ring into work and ask for the day off cos I only got about an hour and a half's sleep.

He's in charge of a building site and is the safety officer. I think he's risking his job and lives by driving to work drunk, and being in charge of other people's safety.

He's going to come home from work and think I'm the bitch for being pissed off. I just think he's really inconsiderate too, cos if he said to me he wouldn't be home til late I'd be able to sleep easier.

LegacyUser

You really have to ask? He's behaving like a child on a regular basis, and not only putting his own safety at risk, but also that of others.

And on top of that, he's treating you with absolutely no respect.

I don't know now you've managed to put up with this kind of nonsense on a regular basis tbh. Are you both very young? If so then maybe he'll grow up eventually. If not, well that's just sad.

I am a friend

The cheek of him drink driving - god knows how many kids he could have killed this morning and him steamed - its disgusting!!!

He is obviously very selfish in general but on top Of that he treated you like crap. It's no on that he wOnt answer the phone or give you a straight answer about his plans.

Bottom line he would be too selfish for me so what you gonna do about it?

coolcat63

Why on earth did you bother waking him? His decision to get drunk, he should have to deal with the consequences - if that means his job, so be it. Plus, as you rightly say he should not have been driving or in charge of safety.

LegacyUser

coolcat63 wrote: »

Why on earth did you bother waking him? His decision to get drunk, he should have to deal with the consequences - if that means his job, so be it. Plus, as you rightly say he should not have been driving or in charge of safety.

I didn't want him to get sacked! I thought he could ring in sick or he could have got to work another way.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

The cheek of him drink driving - god knows how many kids he could have killed this morning and him steamed - its disgusting!!!

He is obviously very selfish in general but on top Of that he treated you like crap. It's no on that he wOnt answer the phone or give you a straight answer about his plans.

Bottom line he would be too selfish for me so what you gonna do about it?

I really don't know. He's home now but I haven't spoken to him and obviously he's not going to start a conversation about it.

dudara

It looks like there are two things going on here.

(1) He's acting like an eejit. But he is a grown man, and therefore is old enough to face the consequences of his actions.

(2) I wonder if he felt that you were nagging him. The way you write about his routine (i.e. no drinking on Sat means he will drink on Sun) makes me wonder if perhaps he feels a little nagged, and perhaps that feeds into his stupidity.

I am a friend

carmex7 wrote: »

I really don't know. He's home now but I haven't spoken to him and obviously he's not going to start a conversation about it.

I would be taking the head off him... You seem very passive and don't seem to want to call him on his shocking behaviour... Tbh if he pulled that drink driving stunt with me, he would have lost all my respect and would know it.

idiotman

Have an honest talk with him. Tell him why you are angry. Explain each of the issues in detail.
It seems like you have 3 issues.
One is that he went out with the intention of having a few too many even though he said otherwise.
The second is that he stayed out and would not answer any of your phone calls.
Lastly he put himself and others at risk the next morning by driving while drunk and going to work as a safety officer while still drunk.

You cant just let him lose his job as people here are saying as that is as much your income as a couple as it is his. If he cant see it from your point of view or acknowledge his wrongdoing then you should seek help from someone trained in helping couples.
http://www.relationshipsireland.com/projects/resolving-difficulties/

All the best.

LegacyUser

cantbelieveyoureasking wrote: »

You really have to ask? He's behaving like a child on a regular basis, and not only putting his own safety at risk, but also that of others.

And on top of that, he's treating you with absolutely no respect.

I don't know now you've managed to put up with this kind of nonsense on a regular basis tbh. Are you both very young? If so then maybe he'll grow up eventually. If not, well that's just sad.

No! Well he's 26 and I'm 31. It's every few months this kind of thing happens..I can't remember exactly when the last time was. Like it's happened about 10-12 times since we've been together..but this time he stayed out the latest and was the worse state for driving the next day.

dudara wrote: »

It looks like there are two things going on here.

(1) He's acting like an eejit. But he is a grown man, and therefore is old enough to face the consequences of his actions.

(2) I wonder if he felt that you were nagging him. The way you write about his routine (i.e. no drinking on Sat means he will drink on Sun) makes me wonder if perhaps he feels a little nagged, and perhaps that feeds into his stupidity.

Can you explain to me why you think he feels nagged from how I write about his routine?

Maybe he does feel nagged, but I don't understand how you could get that from me writing if he stays in on a Saturday night he usually goes out on a Sunday.

I am a friend wrote: »

I would be taking the head off him... You seem very passive and don't seem to want to call him on his shocking behaviour... Tbh if he pulled that drink driving stunt with me, he would have lost all my respect and would know it.

I will be calling him on his behaviour, but it's how to go about it is the problem really. From past experience, he gets massively defensive, shouts saying he did nothing wrong, he can go out when he likes etc. It's just so frustrating for me that he acts like he's in the right and I'm the problem. It's very hard to get through to him, usually I'm so wound up and frustrated about it that I'll end up crying, he'll say "you can't just cry all the time" (I don't by the way, it's purely on these occassions out of frustration).

Eventually, he'll say sorry and it won't happen again, even though we both know it will.

He came in tonight, said hi, and offered me a cup of tea like nothing was wrong. I barely spoke. He went to bed early, I told him to sleep in the spare room, that I wanted peace after getting no sleep last night. I told me I was a fcuking eejit and went in and slammed the door. I went to my own bed shortly after but couldn't sleep so here I am up again.

The other times this has happened I've made the first move to sort things out even if that's just through an argument. I'm not doig it this time, although I don't know how that will leave us. He told me on Sunday he was going out for the match tomorrow night, so I probably won't see him properly til Wednesday. I find it so hard to concentrate in work with all this going on, I have knots in my stomach.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,
Straight to the point-your Fiance is being a complete a**hole.He stays in on a Sat night then goes out on the batter with his friends on a Sunday night as a reward for being so good and A) doesn't reply to any of your attempts to contact him,B) isn't capable of getting home at a decent enough hour to ensure he gets up for work the following morning and most of all C) knowingly drives to work when he's clearly over the limit.........

And to top it all he says you're a "bitch".....

I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions on where this is going and where you actually want this to go,at the end of the day OP,are you his Mum(waking him up so he can get to work at all:eek::eek:!!!!) or his partner?

Danniboo

Hi OP,

I don't get the whole him sitting in on a Saturday night trying to save and you going out thing? Are you's both supposed to be saving? Is the problem him going out on a Sunday night, or is it the fact he gets absolutely blotto. He did act like an absolutely a**le with his driving etc. If it were me I would have phoned in sick for him and took his keys, not a hope i'd let him drive to work in that state and risk losing his job, his license, killing someone and ending up in prison. I know you can't control people, but extreme circumstances etc. Sounds like you have major communication problems in you relationship. Perhaps the do you want a cup of tea was his way of trying to break the ice? He's right about the crying OP, you can't cry every time you have a disagreement. You need to sit down and discuss this without getting thick and shouting at each other or without you crying. Best of luck

Penny Dreadful

I'd have reported him to the Garda Confidential number and he'd have most likely been stopped and breath tested. Maybe the shock of being in trouble withe Gardaí for his drink driving might do something to stop that part of his irresponsible behaviour at least.

OP my ex used to do things like that too. I'd want to go out with him for a drink and he'd say, no I don't really like the pub, I'm not a big drinker you know that etc etc. Then he'd go out after work with his friends from there or old college friends and fall in around 3am, maybe 7.30am once he didnt make it home until 5.30pm the following day!.
He'd never answer my phone calls, texts or anything. Rubbish excuses like " I didn't hear the phone, it was in my jacket" and other silly things. We broke up for a lot of reasons in the end but one big part of it was how he'd treat me with such disrespect, make out that I was being a kill joy, how he wanted to have fun before settling down (we were both in our late 20s early 30s when this started and had been together since we were 22), etc.

OP you deserve more respect than you are being shown by this man. Stick up for yourself and good luck with it.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Hi OP,

I don't get the whole him sitting in on a Saturday night trying to save and you going out thing? Are you's both supposed to be saving? Is the problem him going out on a Sunday night, or is it the fact he gets absolutely blotto. He did act like an absolutely a**le with his driving etc. If it were me I would have phoned in sick for him and took his keys, not a hope i'd let him drive to work in that state and risk losing his job, his license, killing someone and ending up in prison. I know you can't control people, but extreme circumstances etc. Sounds like you have major communication problems in you relationship. Perhaps the do you want a cup of tea was his way of trying to break the ice? He's right about the crying OP, you can't cry every time you have a disagreement. You need to sit down and discuss this without getting thick and shouting at each other or without you crying. Best of luck

No no, both of us sat in on Saturday night. I wanted us to go out but he insisted he wasn't so we both stayed in. We're supposedly getting married in a year and a half.

The problem is him popping out for one or two on a Sunday night, then rolling home at 5am, having ignored my efforts to get in touch with him. I never usually text or ring when he’s out, but Sunday just pushed it too far for me.

I know I shouldn’t cry but it’s very frustrating trying to get through to a brick wall.

ElleEm

carmex7 wrote: »

I just want a general concensus whether I have grounds to be angry, or if I'm over-reacting.

I've been living with my fiance for 2 and a half years. We go out most weekends. On Saturday night he sayed he wanted to stay in and that was fine with me..but I asked if this meant he would be going drinking on Sunday, as this is what usually happens if he stays in on a Saturday night. He thinks he's being good, staying in and 'saving' but then by Sunday he feels hard done by and goes out on the piss then instead, and ends up with a massive hangover on the Monday. He said no way, he was staying in all weekend.

On Sunday I heard him on the phone arranging to meet up with a friend..when he got off the phone, I asked if he was going drinking and he ate the head off me, saying he told me he wasn't going drinking already, and he was going to watch football. That was fine.

He went out and came home a couple of hours later..then said he was meeting some fella for 1 or 2 drinks. This was at 6.30pm. I asked if he was staying out and he insisted no, one or 2 drinks.

I know he ended up going against his word, but what's with all the questions? Leave him be. You kept questioning hin even though he gave you an answer, SEVERAL times. I'd be p!ssed off if my boyfriend kept asking me the same thing over and over, just because he assumed I was "going" to do something.

carmex7 wrote: »

He eventually arrived home at 5.15am this morning. I texted him at 12 last night and rang him at 4.30am but he ignored both. He came in, stumbled into the living room and fell asleep on the sofa.

You don't KNOW he ignored both, he was drunk, he may have not seen them.

carmex7 wrote: »

I was raging at this point, cos I literally didn't get a wink of sleep, cos when I'm expecting to hear a key in the door at any time I don't settle.

That's your issue, not his.

carmex7 wrote: »

I woke up this morning at 7.30am, he was still laying on the sofa, should have been up and away to work for 6am. I had a massive job waking him, he has several missed calls on his phone from his boss and it was clear to see he was still absolutely hammered. He got up and drove to work god knows how many times over the drink-driving limit.

You shouldn't have woken him, he's a grown man and should have to deal with the consequences of his own actions.

carmex7 wrote: »

This happens every few months. I don't understand why he can't just be straight and say if he's staying out. I had to ring into work and ask for the day off cos I only got about an hour and a half's sleep.

You didn't HAVE to do anything! You CHOSE to ring in to work as you were tired. You seem to be blaming your fiancee on this too.


Your fiancee is a grown man and should be able to make his own decisions. To be honest, you sound a bit over bearing to me. So what if he goes out drinking on a Sunday and every few months has a Monday hangover. I just don't see what business it is of yours. I know you are concerned that he may get sacked but that is HIS responsibility.

I agree with Danniiboo, there are definitely communication issues in the relationship. He speaks to you with no respect but in the situation you described, I have to echo what Dudara wrote and say I can imagine he felt a bit nagged.

Penny Dreadful

moco wrote: »

My ex did it and my dad did it. I'm just so sick of it, but then sometimes I think, do all men do it??

My Dad never did it. Well never did that, he doesn't drink alcohol at all. However, he did have my mother's heart broken over playing too much golf and the like.
I am in a relationship with a different guy now and we live together. He doesn't do the going out "for just one" and rolling in at who knows what time in an awful state and that is something very important for me.
I'm not saying he is perfect, jeeze far from it :rolleyes::) and sometimes he can be an insensitive gob****e BUT he does talk to me and he does listen when I talk to him about how his behaviour bothers me. It also means that I have to do the same too and manage some of my personality traits that bother him:o
A relationship is nothing without love, respect, honesty, communication and a good dollop of hard work. If your fiance won't listen to you about how his behaviour is affecting you and your relationship, I would be asking questions about how you will be able to work together on other challanges life throws your way.

As I said before, good luck with this, it sure as hell ain't easy to be going through what you're going through.

I am a friend

On top Of all he verbally abuses you calling you a b1tch and f•cking eejit - how often does he do this? Op to be honest he is abusive and sounds v immature. I would be taking a long hard look at this relationship before going any further.

Penny Dreadful

ElleEm wrote: »

I know he ended up going against his word, but what's with all the questions? Leave him be. You kept questioning hin even though he gave you an answer, SEVERAL times. I'd be p!ssed off if my boyfriend kept asking me the same thing over and over, just because he assumed I was "going" to do something.


You don't KNOW he ignored both, he was drunk, he may have not seen them.
That's your issue, not his.
You shouldn't have woken him, he's a grown man and should have to deal with the consequences of his own actions.

You didn't HAVE to do anything! You CHOSE to ring in to work as you were tired. You seem to be blaming your fiancee on this too.

Your fiancee is a grown man and should be able to make his own decisions. To be honest, you sound a bit over bearing to me. So what if he goes out drinking on a Sunday and every few months has a Monday hangover. I just don't see what business it is of yours. I know you are concerned that he may get sacked but that is HIS responsibility.

I agree with Danniiboo, there are definitely communication issues in the relationship. He speaks to you with no respect but in the situation you described, I have to echo what Dudara wrote and say I can imagine he felt a bit nagged.

Being drunk is not an excuse for anything. Far too many people try to use it as one.
He answered the girls questions several times, yes, but he didn't go out only for one or two as he said he would, he went out for serveral.
She chose to ring into work because she was tired yes, tired because of the situation with her fiance. A situation created by him.
His drinking on a Sunday night is her business because they are in a relationship, they live together, and there should be respect for each other.
He may feel nagged, but which comes first, his behaviour then the nagging or the nagging and his behaviour? Seems the first case to me.

LegacyUser

ElleEm wrote: »

I know he ended up going against his word, but what's with all the questions? Leave him be. You kept questioning hin even though he gave you an answer, SEVERAL times. I'd be p!ssed off if my boyfriend kept asking me the same thing over and over, just because he assumed I was "going" to do something.



You don't KNOW he ignored both, he was drunk, he may have not seen them.



That's your issue, not his.



You shouldn't have woken him, he's a grown man and should have to deal with the consequences of his own actions.



You didn't HAVE to do anything! You CHOSE to ring in to work as you were tired. You seem to be blaming your fiancee on this too.


Your fiancee is a grown man and should be able to make his own decisions. To be honest, you sound a bit over bearing to me. So what if he goes out drinking on a Sunday and every few months has a Monday hangover. I just don't see what business it is of yours. I know you are concerned that he may get sacked but that is HIS responsibility.

I agree with Danniiboo, there are definitely communication issues in the relationship. He speaks to you with no respect but in the situation you described, I have to echo what Dudara wrote and say I can imagine he felt a bit nagged.

I asked him 3 times. Not 3 times out of the blue, but 3 times when he was giving me new information, like he was going to watch football, and going out with his friend as these things might have changed his intentions.

I do know he ignored both calls and text, he was in a quiet pub and has 2 phones.

I CHOSE to ring into work as I'd had less than 2 hours sleep, and yes, this WAS his fault. I don't know what kind of relationship you have, but if you think the man you are marrying lying to you, having no respect for you and driving drunk isn't a problem then good for you.

I don't see how leaving him to get sacked would have helped the situation either.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

On top Of all he verbally abuses you calling you a b1tch and f•cking eejit - how often does he do this? Op to be honest he is abusive and sounds v immature. I would be taking a long hard look at this relationship before going any further.

generally he never does this. we get on 99% of the time. He seems to have a mental block where having a bit of respect regarding this kind of thing is concerned though, and he lashes out verbally. He can't take any criticism.

ElleEm

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Being drunk is not an excuse for anything. Far too many people try to use it as one.
He answered the girls questions several times, yes, but he didn't go out only for one or two as he said he would, he went out for serveral.
She chose to ring into work because she was tired yes, tired because of the situation with her fiance. A situation created by him.
His drinking on a Sunday night is her business because they are in a relationship, they live together, and there should be respect for each other.
He may feel nagged, but which comes first, his behaviour then the nagging or the nagging and his behaviour? Seems the first case to me.

No it's not! I love and respect my partner, but if he or I went out midweek, it is no concern to either of us, as long as we are safe and have fun. I don't care if he is hungover in work- it would be his choice to get that way in the first place.

I would also be annoyed with no contact but when you are having fun with your friends, you aren't checking your phone every two mins. If Carmax feels like she needs contact when her partner is out, then she should TELL him.

And in reference to the nagging comment, she seemed to be nagging him before he even did anything wrong- that would p!ss anyone off.

Each relationship is different, and each couple have different expectations of each other. They should discuss this with each other!

Neyite

Suggestions about reporting him to the Gardai are serious – if he was stopped it almost certainly means a court appearance and a conviction of drink driving. Let me be clear on this – I in no way agree with drinking and driving on any level, (I have lost relatives killed by drink drivers – I have zero sympathy for those who choose to abuse the law in this fashion). But ringing the Gardai is not the answer here. That has a direct effect on the OP, such as him losing his job due to lack of licence, which in turn impacts their bills/ mortgage/ rent. In addition, reporting him almost certainly means the end of the relationship. Just ensure his keys are “lost” temporarily the next time. Underhanded? Absolutely, I make no apologies for that when it risks the lives of other innocent road users.

He is a big lad, and therefore responsible for his own behaviour. I would lay down ground rules here say, if he is staying out, and does not call or not answer when you ring him, he can stay out – with a friend or whatever. Lock your door at midnight if you dont hear from him and let him off. Or alternatively, dont ring him, let him come in on his own time, don’t wake him in the morning, and hide his keys if something like this happens again. Let him worry about explaining to his boss. Better that he gets a lift from a workmate or the bus rather than be a potential murderer on the roads.

Its not his fault you cant sleep when expecting someone in the door, and neither is it his fault that you chose to pull a sickie. You cant pin those on him. You say firstly that you cant sleep knowing he would be out late, yet can sleep fine if you know he will come in early. That makes no sense. You didn’t know he would be out late because you never spoke to him, so why not just assume he would be home shortly and sleep?

I think you want it to affect you personally so you are justified giving out to him about the whole affair. The only thing he did wrong to you was to not call and not answer your calls.

Why are you taking so much of what should be his responsibility on? Let him get a bollocking from his boss for missing work or turning up drunk. If you are going to continually be the "mammy" in the relationship, dont be surprised when he acts like the tantrum-prone toddler.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Suggestions about reporting him to the Gardai are serious – if he was stopped it almost certainly means a court appearance and a conviction of drink driving. Let me be clear on this – I in no way agree with drinking and driving on any level, (I have lost relatives killed by drink drivers – I have zero sympathy for those who choose to abuse the law in this fashion). But ringing the Gardai is not the answer here. That has a direct effect on the OP, such as him losing his job due to lack of licence, which in turn impacts their bills/ mortgage/ rent. In addition, reporting him almost certainly means the end of the relationship. Just ensure his keys are “lost” temporarily the next time. Underhanded? Absolutely, I make no apologies for that when it risks the lives of other innocent road users.

He is a big lad, and therefore responsible for his own behaviour. I would lay down ground rules here say, if he is staying out, and does not call or not answer when you ring him, he can stay out – with a friend or whatever. Lock your door at midnight if you dont hear from him and let him off. Or alternatively, dont ring him, let him come in on his own time, don’t wake him in the morning, and hide his keys if something like this happens again. Let him worry about explaining to his boss. Better that he gets a lift from a workmate or the bus rather than be a potential murderer on the roads.

Its not his fault you cant sleep when expecting someone in the door, and neither is it his fault that you chose to pull a sickie. You cant pin those on him. You say firstly that you cant sleep knowing he would be out late, yet can sleep fine if you know he will come in early. That makes no sense. You didn’t know he would be out late because you never spoke to him, so why not just assume he would be home shortly and sleep?

I think you want it to affect you personally so you are justified giving out to him about the whole affair. The only thing he did wrong to you was to not call and not answer your calls.

Why are you taking so much of what should be his responsibility on? Let him get a bollocking from his boss for missing work or turning up drunk. If you are going to continually be the "mammy" in the relationship, dont be surprised when he acts like the tantrum-prone toddler.

No if he says he's coming home early then I go to bed expecting to hear a key in the door any minute and can't settle. If he say's he'll be home late, I'm not expecting him home til long after I'm in bed so sleep ok.

Basically if he loses his job we both suffer. I certainly can't afford to keep both of us.

Penny Dreadful

ElleEm wrote: »

No it's not! I love and respect my partner, but if he or I went out midweek, it is no concern to either of us, as long as we are safe and have fun. I don't care if he is hungover in work- it would be his choice to get that way in the first place.

I would also be annoyed with no contact but when you are having fun with your friends, you aren't checking your phone every two mins. If Carmax feels like she needs contact when her partner is out, then she should TELL him.

And in reference to the nagging comment, she seemed to be nagging him before he even did anything wrong- that would p!ss anyone off.

Each relationship is different, and each couple have different expectations of each other. They should discuss this with each other!

Well then let him be honest enough at the start to say "yeah, I'm going out on a bender, I wont be home until the small hours of the morning". Then they both know where they stand. On the other hand, saying you're going out for one or two, after the match would make you think they'll be home around midnight, 1am or so. They don't arrive, you get worried, maybe something happened. You send a text, are you ok? No answer, then you're not sure. Eventually they fall in the door at 5.30am, hammered, and couldn't give a damn about the fact that you were concerned about them.
Maybe the nagging him before he did anything wrong, was based on previous experience?
Either way, I think the OP and her fiance need to clear the air about what they do and don't see as acceptable behaviour in their relationship and go from there.

ElleEm

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Well then let him be honest enough at the start to say "yeah, I'm going out on a bender, I wont be home until the small hours of the morning". Then they both know where they stand. On the other hand, saying you're going out for one or two, after the match would make you think they'll be home around midnight, 1am or so. They don't arrive, you get worried, maybe something happened. You send a text, are you ok? No answer, then you're not sure. Eventually they fall in the door at 5.30am, hammered, and couldn't give a damn about the fact that you were concerned about them.
Maybe the nagging him before he did anything wrong, was based on previous experience?
Either way, I think the OP and her fiance need to clear the air about what they do and don't see as acceptable behaviour in their relationship and go from there.

I completely agree.

Sometimes unplanned sessions happen, but he should defo have kept in contact. He doesn't sound like the most pleasant of men if he can be that rude and inconsiderate to her, so they need to have a chat!

Cottontail

I am a friend wrote: »

On top Of all he verbally abuses you calling you a b1tch and f•cking eejit - how often does he do this? Op to be honest he is abusive and sounds v immature. I would be taking a long hard look at this relationship before going any further.

Definitely - can you imagine in a few years time if ye had kids together and he started treating you like this in front of them? How would the kids have any respect for you if your partner doesn't? I know it's not an issue at the moment but definitely something to consider.

Starokan

This really is just personal preference, you obviously are used to him behaving like this and you clearly hate it or you would not have asked him so many times if he was staying out drinking or not. And you feeling that way is perfectly fine, my feeling is you need to sit down with him and tell him you cant move forward as a couple if this continues.

He may change or he may not as a lot of people would also consider his behaviour perfectly ok (exception being drink driving) in that he is simply out having a skinful and enjoying his night.

Its purely down to what you want in a partner and from your partner. Living with someone is compromise, you have to give and take, try and have a calm conversation with him about it and see where you go from there.

Distorted

I can't believe how tolerant you are OP. This is more than staying out late drinking, its risking his job (being drunk on the job is a sackable offence without notice) and therefore the whole life you have together, not to mention other road users who would be at risk from his drink driving. Instead of being accused of nagging, why not just leave - sounds like you'd have far less hassle and worry being single. Its not your job to teach him stuff which as an adult he should know already. And it doesn't sound like he's listening anyway - he just does what he wants. Leave him in his own downward spiral, which is bound to happen if he doesn't change his behaviour, don't let him drag you down with you.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

I can't believe how tolerant you are OP. This is more than staying out late drinking, its risking his job (being drunk on the job is a sackable offence without notice) and therefore the whole life you have together, not to mention other road users who would be at risk from his drink driving. Instead of being accused of nagging, why not just leave - sounds like you'd have far less hassle and worry being single. Its not your job to teach him stuff which as an adult he should know already. And it doesn't sound like he's listening anyway - he just does what he wants. Leave him in his own downward spiral, which is bound to happen if he doesn't change his behaviour, don't let him drag you down with you.

See, you're saying I'm tolerant, whereas others just think I'm a nag.

I've sent him an e mail saying that I'm not going to continue our relationship if he's going to behave like this. I've said I want it sorted out tonight so to have a think what he wants. I'm prepared for him saying he's not going to change and I'll have to follow through with my threat cos this life is not for me. I can't see things changing if we have kids. His dad carried on like this when he was a child, and although he can see it was wrong he obviously doesn't think it's that wrong when he'll do the same thing.

Danniboo

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Well then let him be honest enough at the start to say "yeah, I'm going out on a bender, I wont be home until the small hours of the morning". Then they both know where they stand. On the other hand, saying you're going out for one or two, after the match would make you think they'll be home around midnight, 1am or so. They don't arrive, you get worried, maybe something happened. You send a text, are you ok? No answer, then you're not sure. Eventually they fall in the door at 5.30am, hammered, and couldn't give a damn about the fact that you were concerned about them.
Maybe the nagging him before he did anything wrong, was based on previous experience?
Either way, I think the OP and her fiance need to clear the air about what they do and don't see as acceptable behaviour in their relationship and go from there.

Whatever happened to planning a few quite ones with friends and ending up staying out late or does all fun/spontaneuity go out the window when you're in a relationship these days? And as for ringing the guards? Penny sounds like a very volatile relationship to be in where you consider ringing the guards on your OH to be okay? All the controlling aspects of this situation and the one part where the OP should have taking control of the situation, ie lets her OH drive the car to work drunk and she doesn't step in? Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Distorted

Danniboo wrote: »

Whatever happened to planning a few quite ones with friends and ending up staying out late or does all fun/spontaneuity go out the window when you're in a relationship these days? And as for ringing the guards? Penny sounds like a very volatile relationship to be in where you consider ringing the guards on your OH to be okay? All the controlling aspects of this situation and the one part where the OP should have taking control of the situation, ie lets her OH drive the car to work drunk and she doesn't step in?

Are you being serious? It wouldn't make any difference if she drove him to his work or not and treated him like a child needing looked after, he would still be at work drunk, which is a sackable offence.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Whatever happened to planning a few quite ones with friends and ending up staying out late or does all fun/spontaneuity go out the window when you're in a relationship these days? And as for ringing the guards? Penny sounds like a very volatile relationship to be in where you consider ringing the guards on your OH to be okay? All the controlling aspects of this situation and the one part where the OP should have taking control of the situation, ie lets her OH drive the car to work drunk and she doesn't step in? Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I really doubt he planned a few quiet ones with friends. I'd say he intended it to be a bender all along. Either way, he could have texted, rang, or at least responded when I texted and rang him. It's not like he went out at 6.30pm for one or 2, then suddenly 'oh how time flies' it's 5am and he didn't realise the time.

I didn't know he was going to drive the car to work, like I've already said, I expected him to have at least a bit of cop on not to do that. I woke him so he could answer the phone to his boss, then I went back to bed.

Penny Dreadful

Danniboo wrote: »

Whatever happened to planning a few quite ones with friends and ending up staying out late or does all fun/spontaneuity go out the window when you're in a relationship these days? And as for ringing the guards? Penny sounds like a very volatile relationship to be in where you consider ringing the guards on your OH to be okay? All the controlling aspects of this situation and the one part where the OP should have taking control of the situation, ie lets her OH drive the car to work drunk and she doesn't step in? Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

From the tone of the OPs first post, this is not the first time this has happened, nor does it sound like an occasional event.

Her fiance got behind the wheel of a car when well over the limit. He was a danger to himself and others. I don't think calling the Gardaí about something like that is so dreadful. Anyway, that was my suggestion and idea not the OPs.

No the relationship doesn't sound healthy. The OP sounds unhappy and her fiance, by his behaviour, name calling, etc, doesn't sound happy either.

LegacyUser

In general we never argue and he's never verbally abusive. It's not like he gets personal or says nasty things when we argue, but when he got home last night he could see how pissed off I was, and was on the defensive. He didn't call me a bitch, I said he feels he did nothing wrong and I'm made out to be a bitch.

He called me a fcuking eejit or something like that, but to be honest, my wording when telling him to sleep in the spare room wouldn't have been great either.

He's no abusive monster, he's really easy going and we get on great over all. He really gets defensive on this issue though.

I am a friend

This happens regularly in pi - gf or bf posts complaining about their oh, tells everyone what happened including the name calling and when people respond to say its not on, they backtrack to defend their oh...

Op people are commenting based on what you posted. He still called you names and drove while drunk.

Penny Dreadful

carmex7 wrote: »

In general we never argue and he's never verbally abusive. It's not like he gets personal or says nasty things when we argue, but when he got home last night he could see how pissed off I was, and was on the defensive. He didn't call me a bitch, I said he feels he did nothing wrong and I'm made out to be a bitch.

He called me a fcuking eejit or something like that, but to be honest, my wording when telling him to sleep in the spare room wouldn't have been great either.

He's no abusive monster, he's really easy going and we get on great over all. He really gets defensive on this issue though.[/QUOTE]

The issue is present. It bothers you. He insists on continuing the behaviour that bothers you. You get upset as a result. You both end up fighting.
It may only be one issue but its a big enough one to bother you a whole lot.

My ex wasn't a verbally abusive person, he wasn't a monster, at times he could be kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, etc. Other times he'd act like a spoiled child, he'd stay out all night, he'd spend hours and hours on the PC in the spare room, he wouldn't pull his weight in the house, etc etc.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

This happens regularly in pi - gf or bf posts complaining about their oh, tells everyone what happened including the name calling and when people respond to say its not on, they backtrack to defend their oh...

Op people are commenting based on what you posted. He still called you names and drove while drunk.

Yea, but nobody can explain fully in the posts what sort of person their OH is. I wrote what was relevant to this issue but I'm just saying he's not a bad person and he has far more good points than bad.

Danniboo

Distorted wrote: »

Are you being serious? It wouldn't make any difference if she drove him to his work or not and treated him like a child needing looked after, he would still be at work drunk, which is a sackable offence.

All of which would be better than him killing himself or someone else. No, he should have stayed home from work. Where anywere in my reply did I suggest the OP drive him to work?

Danniboo

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

From the tone of the OPs first post, this is not the first time this has happened, nor does it sound like an occasional event.

Her fiance got behind the wheel of a car when well over the limit. He was a danger to himself and others. I don't think calling the Gardaí about something like that is so dreadful. Anyway, that was my suggestion and idea not the OPs.

No the relationship doesn't sound healthy. The OP sounds unhappy and her fiance, by his behaviour, name calling, etc, doesn't sound happy either.

But yet you disagree with me when I suggest the OP prevent him from driving, :rolleyes:

Danniboo

carmex7 wrote: »

I really doubt he planned a few quiet ones with friends. I'd say he intended it to be a bender all along. Either way, he could have texted, rang, or at least responded when I texted and rang him. It's not like he went out at 6.30pm for one or 2, then suddenly 'oh how time flies' it's 5am and he didn't realise the time.

I didn't know he was going to drive the car to work, like I've already said, I expected him to have at least a bit of cop on not to do that. I woke him so he could answer the phone to his boss, then I went back to bed.

OP did you ever hear the expression if you tell someone often enought there a shoe they'll start to believe it? If he had have arrived home earlier would everything have been fine? What time would have been early for you? Are you both clear on the time thing?

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

OP did you ever hear the expression if you tell someone often enought there a shoe they'll start to believe it? If he had have arrived home earlier would everything have been fine? What time would have been early for you? Are you both clear on the time thing?

I don’t really understand the shoe thing. Are you trying to say I expected him to stay out late, so he did?

I expected him to stay out late based on past experience.

When he said ‘one or 2 drinks’ of course I didn’t expect it to be one or 2, but I really didn’t think he was planning on coming home 11 hours later. Even if he’d came home before 2 or so I wouldn’t have minded as much, as the pubs are throwing people out around then and he wouldn’t have been in such a bad state for driving the next morning.

Penny Dreadful

Danniboo wrote: »

But yet you disagree with me when I suggest the OP prevent him from driving, :rolleyes:

I didn't disagree with you about that. If it were me I would have called the Gardaí. It wasn't me, she didn't call, he drove (of his own volition) to work well over the limit. He could have killed or injured others on the road on the way to work because of this. He could yet be responsible for the same at work because he is over the limit.
This thread is not about the rights and wrongs of drink driving or whether or not the OP had the responsibility to prevent someone from getting behind the wheel under the influence. It is about her being upset and angry at her fiance's behaviour and she is asking whether or not she is right to be feeling this way.

Penny Dreadful

Danniboo wrote: »

OP did you ever hear the expression if you tell someone often enought there a shoe they'll start to believe it? If he had have arrived home earlier would everything have been fine? What time would have been early for you? Are you both clear on the time thing?

He said he was going to watch the match and have one or two drinks afterward. There is no way that runs into 5.30am. It would, at a push, take you up to midnight.
I think, had the fiance arrived home in this time zone, not hammered, then this thread wouldnt ever have been posted.

I am a friend

carmex7 wrote: »

I'm just saying he's not a bad person and he has far more good points than bad.

Drink drivIng first thing in the morning isn't exactly signs of a good guy...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

This post struck a chord with me because your OH's behaviour reminds me of the way an ex of mine used to behave. From my experience I suggest that you ask your OH to sit down with you and let you explain how you feel and try to come up with ways to deal with this situation if it arises again.

Maybe just ask him if he feels nagged or controlled (I'm not saying that you're doing this but just get a bit of what he thinks). Then you can explain rationally and calmly what your concerns were and why you were upset i.e. not getting back to you/not waking up for work/drink driving etc.

I know this might sound a bit silly but then maybe you just suggest that the next time he goes out for 1 or 2 and it turns into a session that he text or call you by a certain time. I don't think anyone should be answerable to anyone else but I think he should do this out of respect for you! Then you can tell him that you'll sleep easy and he can enjoy his night.

I know that I would never dream of not texting my OH if he was expecting me early and I was going to be late - purely out of respect for him.

As for you waking him, that's such a tough one to call but I would let him know that the next time he doesn't get up for work - you won't be waking him. Just let him know that he has to have more respect for you and take responsibility for his actions.

That's just my 2cents. Take care x

reap-a-rat

carmex7 wrote: »

I don't know what kind of relationship you have, but if you think the man you are marrying lying to you, having no respect for you and driving drunk isn't a problem then good for you.

I think you need to seriously consider if that's the type of man you want to share the rest of your life with OP...

Tandey

reap-a-rat wrote: »

I think you need to seriously consider if that's the type of man you want to share the rest of your life with OP...

She has already said she isn't going to continue the relationship if he continues to go on this way..so im pretty sure she is already considering it, shes hardly not considering it in all fairness after the way he's been treating her and being an absolute SCUMBAG for drink driving!

reap-a-rat

Tandey wrote: »

She has already said she isn't going to continue the relationship if he continues to go on this way..so im pretty sure she is already considering it, shes hardly not considering it in all fairness after the way he's been treating her and being an absolute SCUMBAG for drink driving!

She did say that alright, sorry But because he's usually so fantastic, I'm afraid maybe she might put up with it !

OP there are so many decent men out there that will treat you with respect no matter what they're going through, even if this kind of thing only happens every few months it does NOT mean that you should condone it or have to put up with it! Frankly it's childish behaviour, he sounds like a rebellious teenager!

He might say he'll change but in all honesty it'll more than likely change back to same old same old a few months down the line anyway!

Seriously though, the two of ye have to actually communicate, no storming off during a conversation!

I really hope whatever happens that you'll be happy, OP!

Seraphina

Neyite wrote: »

I would lay down ground rules here say, if he is staying out, and does not call or not answer when you ring him, he can stay out – with a friend or whatever. Lock your door at midnight if you dont hear from him and let him off.

This is how a parent treats a child, not how a partner treats an equal. Answer your phone to me or get locked out! Sorry but that's dreadful. Personally I HATE when I go out with friends and they are permanently stuck on the phone to partners updating them about where they are, what they're doing now and when they'll be home. Sometimes time just passes without you realising it, and suddenly it's too late to call in case you wake someone.

Neyite wrote: »

Or alternatively, dont ring him, let him come in on his own time, don’t wake him in the morning, and hide his keys if something like this happens again. Let him worry about explaining to his boss. Better that he gets a lift from a workmate or the bus rather than be a potential murderer on the roads

This is a MUCH better idea. He takes responsibility and learns from his own behaviour rather than sitting there thinking his girlfriend is nagging him again

Neyite wrote: »

Its not his fault you cant sleep when expecting someone in the door, and neither is it his fault that you chose to pull a sickie. You cant pin those on him.

+1 to this. Your laying blame on him for your actions and your issues. LET IT GO. When he goes out just get into bed and go to sleep as normal. Just make sure he knows that if he comes in very late he's on the sofa so he doesn't wake you.

Neyite wrote: »

I think you want it to affect you personally so you are justified giving out to him about the whole affair. The only thing he did wrong to you was to not call and not answer your calls.

Why are you taking so much of what should be his responsibility on? Let him get a bollocking from his boss for missing work or turning up drunk. If you are going to continually be the "mammy" in the relationship, dont be surprised when he acts like the tantrum-prone toddler.

Agree agree agree. You seem to be looking for excuses to be annoyed with him. Setting up the whole 'he didn't go out on Saturday so I knew he'd be going out on Sunday' thing. So what? Frankly, the fact that the guy feels like he has to stay in on Saturday so he can go out and have a few beers and watch football on Sunday makes you sound pretty controlling. So what if he rolls in drunk? You said yourself it only happens every couple of months, it's not like he has a major drinking problem.

LegacyUser

Seraphina wrote: »

This is how a parent treats a child, not how a partner treats an equal. Answer your phone to me or get locked out! Sorry but that's dreadful. Personally I HATE when I go out with friends and they are permanently stuck on the phone to partners updating them about where they are, what they're doing now and when they'll be home. Sometimes time just passes without you realising it, and suddenly it's too late to call in case you wake someone.



This is a MUCH better idea. He takes responsibility and learns from his own behaviour rather than sitting there thinking his girlfriend is nagging him again



+1 to this. Your laying blame on him for your actions and your issues. LET IT GO. When he goes out just get into bed and go to sleep as normal. Just make sure he knows that if he comes in very late he's on the sofa so he doesn't wake you.



Agree agree agree. You seem to be looking for excuses to be annoyed with him. Setting up the whole 'he didn't go out on Saturday so I knew he'd be going out on Sunday' thing. So what? Frankly, the fact that the guy feels like he has to stay in on Saturday so he can go out and have a few beers and watch football on Sunday makes you sound pretty controlling. So what if he rolls in drunk? You said yourself it only happens every couple of months, it's not like he has a major drinking problem.

He doesn't 'feel' he has to sit in on a Saturday. I wanted us to go out, he wanted to stay in. There is no issue with how many times a week he goes out. He's often out 3 nights at the weekend and that's not a problem, but I do have a problem with what he did on Sunday night/Monday morning.

I love how some people get on their high horse in here and call others controlling for having a perfectly reasonable issue with their partner's behaviour.

Taltos

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Taltos