family keep asking for money

LegacyUser

Bit of a long one so sorry! My mother, brother and sister are always asking for loans of little bits and pieces, money I never get back. I'm 10-12 years older than my brother and sister and my mum is on her own. I have a mortgage and bills of my own, and while my job pays ok it is precarious and I work temporary contracts which may run out. But because I have a job my family think I must be rolling in it, because they don't work or if they do they spend all their money straight away. The thing is I've always been quite sensible and put tiny bits away for my future so spare money that I might have goes into my savings. I feel like I'm 32 now and I'd like to think about possibly having a family etc. But my mother and I end up in huge arguments if she asks for money and I say no, she accuses me of being mean, but the way I see it she never even makes an effort to pay me back and often if my brother or sister ask me for money and I say no, she asks me and I think she must really need it but then I find out she's given it to them! I've tried to explain but in their eyes I must have spare money because I'm saving and I'm not in debt (except my mortgage) whereas they all have maxed out credit cards and overdrafts. How can I just say no once and for all? There's no point in arranging things with them about paying me back because they simply never do (bear in mind this has been going on for years). Its not big money but it annoys me, they all have things I can never afford like for example expensive clothes or cosmetics. I save on those things in order to put money in the bank. Obviously if it wasn't my family it would be different but I get the total guilt treatment. My partner thinks its ridiculous and that I should tell them where to go but it would actually cause such a rift in the family.

Oryx

The only way to say no is to just say it. Simply and politely, without getting drawn into 'why'. Refuse to argue with them about it, 'I'm sorry, I can't' is all they need to hear. As they are used to being bailed out by you, this probably isnt going to end without a fight on their part. So prepare for that. But stick to your guns.

I hope that they are better people than to fall out with you permanently over money, all you can do try and prevent that is to rise above a fight and dont get sucked into why you cannot, as that will be used against you.

Big Bag of Chips

I know you shouldn't have to explain yourself to them, but with family it can be difficult to say no, without reason. So maybe start saying things like..

I don't have it at the moment - the mortgage/tax/insurance/house insurance/esb/television license etc is due.

If you keep saying no, with the excuse of a bill you need to pay then they'll eventually stop asking. Also tell them you're not earning enough to keep your house and theirs!

They only keep asking because you keep giving it to them.

My husband's sister was the same with him. He eventually just started saying he didn't have it - and she stopped asking, but moved onto asking others.. friends/neighbours etc! So if you don't give it to them, they'll either learn to do without, or they'll find it somewhere else. People like that always do!

thefeatheredcat

There's two elements in solving it: Saying No, and dealing with the guilt trips and feelings you have in saying no.. I know it's difficult with family, I'd had an issue with this with a family member too.

You need to firstly acknowledge to yourself just exactly how long you have been financially supporting them...if we are talking about years, then realise, it's enough. You've done your bit. You've given all those years, helped them out and now they have to stand on their own two feet and sort their finances out. Their financial problems are not your responsibility; it is nice to be able to help out, but not if a)you're going to be deceived to stump up the cash and b)going to be in a difficult financial situation yourself via them wasting the money on crap if that is the case or c)having a diminished quality of life as a result of being goaded into lending them money that by lending them the money, creates imbalance and resentment to them having it better than you, thanks to your money
If ever you feel like crumbling to them then keep those 3 points as your reason.

Your mother is probably going to be harder to say no to, so start saying no to her when she asks you for money, especially if you think she is only asking on behalf of your siblings.

They may get in a hump about it for a while but you need to be firm and stand up for yourself and say no to them, otherwise they will bleed you dry financially, and you can pretty much bet that if something should happen to you or when you are in difficulty, they are not going to turn around and give you a loan or repay the favours you have done them for years.

In time, when a real difficulty with money happens for them, that is genuine then you can allow yourself to help out. But ultimately you should not hold yourself responsible for their money issues, and leave it to them to sort them out.

and like already said, they will just find some other mug to guilt trip to get money out of them. My family member has done the same, and is burning bridges behind them everywhere. Basically the best thing you can do is say no because they have to confront the money problem.

Taltos

Or
I am sorry just don't have it, actually I am quite strapped right now - any chance you can give back some of the XXX (amount) you borrowed? It would really help me out of a hole....

Until you say no and stick to it they will keep bugging you - actually when you do say no they will keep bugging you anway - so by asking them for some of what they owe you back everytime they ask you eventually they will leave you alone. Think though you will never see any of that. Your mum is a different story though Your brother and sister just need to grow up and earn their own money instead of getting pocket money from you...

Sleepy

Might do no harm to invent a large expense either:

"feckin' head gasket on the car blew, cost every damn cent I had saved to fix it" etc.

They're tapping you for cash because not only do they know you'll keep giving it to them, they know you have it. So, simple solution is to make them think you don't have any.

liquoriceall

Or you could start asking to borrow money off them and see the response!

jimmycrackcorm

liquoriceall wrote: »

Or you could start asking to borrow money off them and see the response!

That would be ingenious but it wouldn't last before they'd cop on.
You could lend them money once but make a written note there and then telling them it is with the provisio that they will pay you back. Then you have the actual high ground with a written record that they owe you money before you will lend them any again. Your basic problem is not that you are lending them money but that they conveniently put the memory of it aside. If you can show them a paper record then the onus falls on them to pay it back.

When it comes to family, if it is not written in stone then it doesn't count...

28064212

As already said, write it down, write it down, write it down.

Come up with a system. They ask you for loan of a small amount of money. Write down the date, time, circumstances and amount. A week later, ask for it to be repaid. Then again in a fortnight. Then again 4 weeks after that. Don't pester them, just ask for your loan back. The next time they come looking for money, say no, they haven't paid you back for the last time.

Alternatively, you could start crossing over bets. X borrows €20 off you, hasn't paid you back. Two weeks later, Y comes looking for €20. Point them at X

Pebbles68

As many others have said, as long as you continue to give them money they will continue to ask. You simply have to say no. This doesn't have to lead to a row. Remember it takes two people for an argument to happen. So what? They call you mean, big deal. You have been sensible and gone without luxuries and deserve to have the comfort of knowing you have rainy day money if you ever need it.

If you really do need an answer say "yes I have savings but I've put them into an investment account and can't touch it for 5 years".

Aishae

Taltos wrote: »

Or
I am sorry just don't have it, actually I am quite strapped right now - any chance you can give back some of the XXX (amount) you borrowed? It would really help me out of a hole....

I love this idea.

I don't think they'll take kindly to yousaying no. But that is their problem. An unhealthy situation has been created and has to be corrected. That will take some will power on your part. I know someone in the same situation but with a friend and they moan about it but every time their wants more they are guilt tripped and they wont stick to their guns. You have to be a bit harsh really. Or so it will seem to them.

Chessala

Hmmm....I know at some point in my life that only ended a few months ago I had to keep asking my parents and sister for money. They always did everything to help out and up to today I am feeling guilty for it and actually will pay them back as I have a record about what I borrowed.

However, your family seems to borrow from you out of convenience. AT some point I had a talk about the money issue with my sister and she told me some things that made me think about how difficult it was for her to give me money sometimes.

As has been suggested starts saying no to them even if they are cross with you for a bit. Then when they calmed down explain to them why you had to do it (if they are the kind that would understand).

I was actually quite shocked to hear that my mom asked my sister for the exact same amount of money once that I borrowed from her....

If they just need money because they waste theirs then maybe offer them to help them with some financial planning so they can have a better understanding of what money is needed for general expenses. They keep wasting their money because they know they can come to you if they need more and small amounts add up too.