huge fight with mum

ene

hi everyone

so today i had a huge fight with my mum about everything going on in my life and she came out with "she is bitterly disappointed that i am gay" and her every parent has expectations and hers will now not be fulfilled.
needless to say i was very upset and i was just wondering was my mum crazy or have other people had similar experiences?

Freiheit

I suppose most parents do hope to have grandchildren and maybe visualise a traditonal wedding with traditional family roles,yeah I can understand some disappointment on a purely emotional level.

But it's your life and your right to live it as yourself,not a lie. It's not your choice to be who you are,just as it wasn't her choice to be straight,you can't change that. In time she probably will come to understand that. She might be a lot different when it sunk in and she has had time to reflect. Is there any family member you trust who could talk to her?.

TylerIE

ene wrote: »

hi everyone

so today i had a huge fight with my mum about everything going on in my life and she came out with "she is bitterly disappointed that i am gay" and her every parent has expectations and hers will now not be fulfilled.
needless to say i was very upset and i was just wondering was my mum crazy or have other people had similar experiences?

The OH had something broadly similar.

Both parents reacted badly at one point or another. He wouldnt like me discussing it public but It took about 6 months for them to fully adjust.

A relation also had it even worse. His mother was disgusted, felt he and his partner (both healthcare professionals) should know better. Disgusting, dirty, dangerous, all the not so nice things that can be said. One year later and shes over it. She doesnt discuss their relationship or its associated issues, or the partner, but she has a stable relationship with her son again.

Its not your role to fulfil you mothers expectations. Indeed were you to go, get married, have 2.1 kids, as a gay man it would be quite an unhappy marriage. Indeed it could probably lead to divorce, so mammy wouldnt be so happy then. You didnt choose to be gay, you did choose to have the courage to come out, and deserve only good credit for that.

Moon Indigo

My parents had a similar reaction when I came out. It was like the end of the world and I did get the whole 'You have changed my world and nothing will EVER be the same again'. It was hard at the time but I am with my partner ten years now and after some rough times everything's cool now.
I say give it time and space if possible its alot for everyone to take in. When I told my parents they said about not having kids etc etc. I said this to a friend and she said 'If you were straight who's to say you would have kids or get married anyway?' Really stuck with me that. Hope everything works out

Chuchoter

OP, are you out long? I came out roughly 2 years ago (:O) and my parents were really bad in the beginning, they've gotten better but still very disappointed and sad about the whole thing. They probably always will be and you know what? Theres not a single thing I can do about it. So I've moved on and if they don't want to be a part of the important bits of my life they don't have to be. Make no compromises, be patient.

Killer Pigeon

In my opinion, the whole "passing on the family name" and "getting grandchildren" expectations that parents have sometimes is just terribly selfish. Why should you throw you life down the drain just so that your parents can attend a traditional family wedding and relish in the thoughts of grandchildren, who will probably be born out of a loveless marriage. All terribly mundane and depressing if you ask me, plus you'll probably be hurting a lot more people than your parents down the road.

So basically, don't let your parents dictate your life.

I'm the eldest and only son in my family, so my parents have a lot of expectations. I haven't told my parents I'm gay yet, and not many other people to be honest. I'll probably tell them when I've moved out and fucked off to another country in a couple of years time or something. Anyway, there's nothing really spectacular about my surname, I don't know why my parent think it's so special that it needs to be passed on.

baby and crumble

That must be really hard to hear, OP.

I'm lucky in that my folks never said anything like that to me, but I'm sure that together they talked about it a lot- in fact I know they did, as my Mum told me so. I was scared witless of telling my Dad, because he had said some really awful things in the past about gay people, but to his credit, he has stopped that. I think what helped them with me was that I didn't go on about it, and while some people would say you should be able to talk about it, and all that, there is an element of sensitivity needed- not just for the person who has come about, but by that person also. Most of our parents generation (ok, my folks were in their 50's when I came out 8 years ago) only ever really saw the stereotypes of what being gay meant- the super camp gay men a la 'Are You Being Served' and what have you, and the really butch man hating lesbians. When I failed to suddenly morph into something they saw on Prisoner Cell Block H (Man, I need new pop culture references...) they relaxed. When I introduced them to my girlfriend, they realised that most lesbians were just average women going about their business, who happened to be attracted to other women. It's slow, but it's steady.

My advice is don't rise to it, just keep going about your business. Firmly state that you're sorry she's disappointed in you, but there is nothing for her to be disappointed about. Ask her what it is she's disappointed about, and try and have the conversation calmly- really listen to her. Of course she shouldn't hurl abuse at you, but she may need you to address the fears she has about what it means for her child to be gay.

Best of luck, OP.

Killer Pigeon

baby and crumble wrote: »

My advice is don't rise to it, just keep going about your business. Firmly state that you're sorry she's disappointed in you, but there is nothing for her to be disappointed about.

The OP shouldn't even have to give any utterance of an apology in relation to her sexuality.

TylerIE

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

The OP shouldn't even have to give any utterance of an apology in relation to her sexuality.

I picked up on that too, but felt its important to acknowledge the mothers feelings, in order to allow the mother to keep talking and work through it, plus it went on to qualify it with "theres nothing to be disappointed with".

Personally Id prefer "Its unfortunate that you feel disappointed", as "sorry" would leave me feeling open to blame.

baby and crumble

I never said apologise about his/her sexuality. But surely if someone has a negative feeling you should be sorry they feel that way ESPECIALLY when there's no reason for it. That was what I meant with that statement. Along the lines of someone in work saying "You never do any work that I can see" and you say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I do work hard, and here is the evidence for it". It's basically a more polite way to tell them they're an idiot.

foggy_lad

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

In my opinion, the whole "passing on the family name" and "getting grandchildren" expectations that parents have sometimes is just terribly selfish. Why should you throw you life down the drain just so that your parents can attend a traditional family wedding and relish in the thoughts of grandchildren, who will probably be born out of a loveless marriage. All terribly mundane and depressing if you ask me, plus you'll probably be hurting a lot more people than your parents down the road.

So basically, don't let your parents dictate your life.

I'm the eldest and only son in my family, so my parents have a lot of expectations. I haven't told my parents I'm gay yet, and not many other people to be honest. I'll probably tell them when I've moved out and fucked off to another country in a couple of years time or something. Anyway, there's nothing really spectacular about my surname, I don't know why my parent think it's so special that it needs to be passed on.

Any mother or father will tell you there is a lot more to it than passing on a name or even the desire for grandkids!

For most it is a desire that their sons and daughters will have the same happiness that they have rearing their children. They only want happiness for any of us and believe that seeing your son or daughter for the first time and watching them grow and learn and soak up all you have to teach them is the greatest thing on earth.

OP go easy on your mum, it's not like you have another one to fall back on and believe it or not she will get over this little spat once the argument ye had is forgotten, and be there for you.

TylerIE

foggy_lad wrote: »

Any mother or father will tell you there is a lot more to it than passing on a name or even the desire for grandkids!

For most it is a desire that their sons and daughters will have the same happiness that they have rearing their children. They only want happiness for any of us and believe that seeing your son or daughter for the first time and watching them grow and learn and soak up all you have to teach them is the greatest thing on earth.

OP go easy on your mum, it's not like you have another one to fall back on and believe it or not she will get over this little spat once the argument ye had is forgotten, and be there for you.

Happiness does not mean making your son/daughter feel like crap and telling them that your disappointed in their sexuality - as if its a choice.

Also if thats where the parents who want grandkids are coming for, they still can have all of the above with their lesbian/gay/bi sons and daughters - through adoption/fostering/surrogacy.

Edit: Foggy thats not at you, its just practically a rant at parents who feel that its ok for them to dictate whats best or that their plans or expectations are the only way things can be done.

foggy_lad

TylerIE wrote: »

Happiness does not mean making your son/daughter feel like crap and telling them that your disappointed in their sexuality - as if its a choice.

Also if thats where the parents who want grandkids are coming for, they still can have all of the above with their lesbian/gay/bi sons and daughters - through adoption/fostering/surrogacy.

Edit: Foggy thats not at you, its just practically a rant at parents who feel that its ok for them to dictate whats best or that their plans or expectations are the only way things can be done.

Indeed but People should be aware that most parents even today will fear for their gay/trans son or daughter as they would be well aware of how they could/will be targeted by others and this worry and fear coupled with the sudden(usually) shock of finding out can lead to delays or difficulties with them accepting that their son or daughter is gay/trans.

hotmail.com

Tell your mother to go f herself and that if she ever says anything like that again, you'll never speak to her again.

JupiterKid

Frankly, it saddens and also angers me to read threads here - which there are all too many - of posters who were either rejected or ostracised by their parents for coming out to them.:( They are just showing their complete ignorance IMO.

Sexual orientation is a fundamental part of each and every one of us and if your parent can't or won't accept that, then it's their loss. Wanting to have grandchildren and "passing on the family name" is a sign of immaturity and selfishness in my opinion.

That said, you often need to give parents time to adjust but, at the end of the day, they can decide to accept you for who you are or remain ignorant/in denial/bitter etc.

Live life the way you want to life it, not they way your parents want.

Annasopra

hotmail.com wrote: »

Tell your mother to go f herself and that if she ever says anything like that again, you'll never speak to her again.

I don't think that's helpful advice. It could make things worse.

reeta

hotmail.com wrote: »

Tell your mother to go f herself and that if she ever says anything like that again, you'll never speak to her again.

Oh thats really helpful and mature !!!!

Dwn Wth Vwls

Plenty of parents have that reaction, but it doesn't mean it's right. When you a bring a person into this world you don't own them, all you can do is raise them. They're their own person and you have to respect that.

Most likely when she was pregnant she was prepared for her child to miscarry, die young, be disabled, have crippling diseases etc, but somewhere along the line she forgot about that because you're perfectly healthy. She then settled into the notion of you becoming her perfect child that she dreamed of and got blindsided by you being gay.

Chances are she'll still come around, but it might take time. She needs to realise that her expectations were not entitlements. You're exactly who you're supposed to be, because that's the way you are. Remind her that you didn't choose to be gay, you just chose to be honest because you love her and want her to be part of your life.

28064212

I think in cases like these (not specifically LGBT arguments, but familial arguments), there is a certain amount of unnecessary 'blaming' that goes on. Statements like "I'm disappointed that you are gay" are directional, there's an accuser and an accusee. It's inevitable that people take up attacking and defensive positions that end up defining the relationship.

OP, I'd suggest trying to change this. Talk about how you are disappointed in her. Every child has expectations of their parents, she is not fulfilling them at the moment

hotmail.com

mango salsa wrote: »

I don't think that's helpful advice. It could make things worse.

If someone said they were disappointed about me being gay, I would be furious. It's time that all people, including parents, are told that this type of langauge is unacceptable. So just tell them to get lost and don't speak to them again...some people have too much deference for their parents, that's not healthy.

Annasopra

hotmail.com wrote: »

If someone said they were disappointed about me being gay, I would be furious. It's time that all people, including parents, are told that this type of langauge is unacceptable. So just tell them to get lost and don't speak to them again...some people have too much deference for their parents, that's not healthy.

Look - this is difficult for some parents. You have to acknowledge that. They expected different things - for some of them it is hard to get their head around. They don't fully understand. You cannot just expect 100% tolerance immediately. Having a go at them, telling to f off and refusing to speak to them does not achieve anything other than causing a difficult relationship to become more fractured. If you react to them with a militant hardline attitude then these fractures may become permanent and irreversible. Of course the parents attitude is wrong but talking with them calmly and being patient with them is a much better way of dealing with it. You can break off a relationship now and regret it forever or try to build a more meaningful relationship with your parents by explaining calmly and rationally why you are angry and trying to change their opinion. There are lots of examples of parents having extremely bad reactions to their children coming out but over time they completely changed their attitudes and opinions.

TylerIE

hotmail.com wrote: »

If someone said they were disappointed about me being gay, I would be furious. It's time that all people, including parents, are told that this type of langauge is unacceptable. So just tell them to get lost and don't speak to them again...some people have too much deference for their parents, that's not healthy.

That type of language [from parents] is unacceptable, however in the interests of salvaging something of a relationship, saying f--- off is hardly helping - regardless of who is at fault. It just exacerbates conflict.

I know of one family who had a reaction like the OP's, which worsened when their son got a partner, and ultimately ruined the family. It also caused serious issues when the son was sick - the next of kin was still technically his parents, not his partner.

Its also not realistic for many people to come out or to tell family to f--k off if they are still young, in college or unemployed. No man is an Island.

EGAR

As the mother of a boy I had a discussion with my OH who is known to give the odd homophobic uttering which does my head in. I asked him what he would do if our son would tell us in a few year that he is gay. He went very quiet, said nothing for about half an hour and then came back to me and said: *As long as he doesn't tell us he is dying, I guess I could live with it.*

I haven't heard him make a single derogative (sp) remark since.

You have to understand that the fear is there, not the fear that *one of our own* could be gay but the fear of bullying, the fear of him getting beaten up etc.

You may laugh at that, you may think it's petty since the reality is we all could get bullied or beaten up BUT we all also know how small minded people can be, especially in small, close-knit communities.

And of course, the old *what will the neighbours think* is still on many parents mind, especially in the older generation. I personally don't give a damn what anyone thinks, however, it is there for a lot of people.

Give them time, explain if they ask question and perhaps make it clear to your mother that it is not *her fault* and it wasn't anything *she did* - you will be surprised to find how many people live in a bubble and haven't got a glue.

My 2 cents worth and now I slink back to AH .

ene

thanks for all the replies!

i told mum about 6 months ago that me and my best friend were going out, i have been going out with her for about a year now and we are really happy!

i just couldn't believe that she came out with this yesterday after all this time like she didn't say anything when i originally came out to her.

in fairness to her my parents are divorced so she has to cope with it all by herself but i don't think thats much of a excuse....

TylerIE

ene wrote: »

thanks for all the replies!

i told mum about 6 months ago that me and my best friend were going out, i have been going out with her for about a year now and we are really happy!

i just couldn't believe that she came out with this yesterday after all this time like she didn't say anything when i originally came out to her.

in fairness to her my parents are divorced so she has to cope with it all by herself but i don't think thats much of a excuse....

Sometimes parents get a bit upset. My OH's father (after an initially good reaction) decided 3 months later to tell him that he wasnt allowed see me when down home any more as he was afraid the extended family/neighbours would find out... Yet his siblings were having their bf's staying over all the time. It wasnt personal, it was just him panicing... I didnt forgive him for ages, nor did he ever apologise, but he more than compensated for it a few months afterwards.

Parents arent perfect, sometimes they say stuff out of fear or sadness or desperation. Sometimes its up to the son or daughter to teach the parents a little about kindness, tolerance and respect. Your mother was wrong, but you can still do right.

baby and crumble

hotmail.com wrote: »

If someone said they were disappointed about me being gay, I would be furious. It's time that all people, including parents, are told that this type of langauge is unacceptable. So just tell them to get lost and don't speak to them again...some people have too much deference for their parents, that's not healthy.

When you realized you were gay, were you instantly ok with it? I wasn't. I know relatively few people who didn't hide it for a while, who in their darkest moments didn't wish a little to be straight, just so they didn't have to deal with it. I know I did. Now, I love who I am, I love myself, and I love the acceptance I have found. But I've known I was gay for a very long time. I've dealt with it. I had dealt with it when I came out to the people I love. It had been on my mind for 10 years or more by the time I came out. You cannot expect someone to be ok with it instantly. Obviously no-one should have to be dealt abuse for who they are, but just as you had to work out on your own what it meant for you to be gay, so do our parents and loved ones.

Beruthiel

ene wrote: »

she came out with "she is bitterly disappointed that i am gay" and her every parent has expectations and hers will now not be fulfilled.

Tough sh!t in fairness.
To say something like that to your child is unforgivable.
I don't believe any parent has the right to have a list of expectations for their child that require filling.
You don't give birth to another human being for the sole purpose of them dancing to your tune.

The only expectation a parent has the right to have, is that their child is happy.
With regards to everything else, the world's their oyster.

Live your life as you wish ene. She will either come round or not.
Either way, there is nothing you can do about it. Time might have her see sense.

klay100

I guess for some parents the initial shock of it brings them to say things that they dont really mean or things that they should think through a bit more before they say it.
My mom told me that she was going to burn everything I own and do away with herself and that I shouldnt bother going to her funeral. She was normally a great,caring mom but I guess she was caught on the hop.
Then the accusations that I wasnt brought up that way and that I was going to get AIDs and die. I was an embarrasement to the family and that she couldnt show her face in public and what would the neighbours think.......blah blah blah.
That was a few months ago,I still havent seen her since mind and some of our telephone conversations have been strained to say the least.
Thank God Im a long way from home and dont have any intention in going home anytime soon.I miss good Catholic Ireland, like a hole in the head.
I think it gets better over time,at least I hope it will.

Aishae

I saw a great sign the other day: apologising does not always mean you are wrong and they are right but that you value your relationship more than your ego.

It's a bit blunt for situations such as these but I think it still applies in a way. Our parents are from a different generation. In an ideal world we would be instantly accepted, they would realise that we are still who we always were. That their expectations of us are just ideas. That we could still carry on the family name proudly in some form or another and we'd all live happily ever after. But it isn't an ideal world. We have to meet each other in the middle. Understanding and consideration on both sides.

I wouldnt apologise for being gay. But I wouldn't say tough ****, live with it. There could be a bit more tact. 'I'm gay. I'm ok with that. And I am saddened if it makes you feel any less of me now but I hope you can see past your misconceptions' or something like that (perhaps less nicey nice but you get the idea)

There are always going to be people who outright refuse to change. But I really hope that parents will not be in that group of people. In my experience though it's people who have no kids that refuse to ditch the old ideals. Or people who believe their kids are perfect.

It occurs to me though. Perfection is just what is perfect for each person. So it does irk me that being gay is considered an imperfection.

OP give your mum time. Maybe she has been holding in that lashing out all of this time because she didn't want to hurt you from the beginning, but feelings (no matter how irrational) have a way of surfacing eventually. Perhaps now that she's had her delayed reaction she can move on.

hotmail.com

EGAR wrote: »

As the mother of a boy I had a discussion with my OH who is known to give the odd homophobic uttering which does my head in. I asked him what he would do if our son would tell us in a few year that he is gay. He went very quiet, said nothing for about half an hour and then came back to me and said: *As long as he doesn't tell us he is dying, I guess I could live with it.*

I haven't heard him make a single derogative (sp) remark since.

You have to understand that the fear is there, not the fear that *one of our own* could be gay but the fear of bullying, the fear of him getting beaten up etc.

You may laugh at that, you may think it's petty since the reality is we all could get bullied or beaten up BUT we all also know how small minded people can be, especially in small, close-knit communities.

And of course, the old *what will the neighbours think* is still on many parents mind, especially in the older generation. I personally don't give a damn what anyone thinks, however, it is there for a lot of people.

Give them time, explain if they ask question and perhaps make it clear to your mother that it is not *her fault* and it wasn't anything *she did* - you will be surprised to find how many people live in a bubble and haven't got a glue.

My 2 cents worth and now I slink back to AH .

This is complete rubbish. A parent is meant to love their child unconditionally and that's it. Unconditional love, full stop - no ifs and buts.

If a parent has an issue with gayness, they should deal with it privately and never let it be known to their child.

Bullying is caused by people with your husbands attitude. That's why there's homophobic bullying.

hotmail.com

mango salsa wrote: »

Look - this is difficult for some parents. You have to acknowledge that. They expected different things - for some of them it is hard to get their head around. They don't fully understand. You cannot just expect 100% tolerance immediately. Having a go at them, telling to f off and refusing to speak to them does not achieve anything other than causing a difficult relationship to become more fractured. If you react to them with a militant hardline attitude then these fractures may become permanent and irreversible. Of course the parents attitude is wrong but talking with them calmly and being patient with them is a much better way of dealing with it. You can break off a relationship now and regret it forever or try to build a more meaningful relationship with your parents by explaining calmly and rationally why you are angry and trying to change their opinion. There are lots of examples of parents having extremely bad reactions to their children coming out but over time they completely changed their attitudes and opinions.

I think you'll find that most parents love their children unconditionally. Unconditional love is lost on many Irish parents including the OP's. Unconditional love has nothing to do with gayness.

Annasopra

hotmail.com wrote: »

I think you'll find that most parents love their children unconditionally. Unconditional love is lost on many Irish parents including the OP's. Unconditional love has nothing to do with gayness.

I think you'll find that some parents find it difficult initially when their son or daughter comes out. This does not mean they don't love them - It can mean that their initial reaction is not 100% positive. Their son or daughter has had years to come to terms with being gay. On the other hand they may have only had hours. It's completely unrealistic to expect 100% acceptance and tolerance immediately. They may have fears for their son or daughter that need to be talked through. I am aware of some parents who reacted very badly initially but over time they became different people - much much more accepting and in ways loving.

hotmail.com

mango salsa wrote: »

I think you'll find that some parents find it difficult initially when their son or daughter comes out. This does not mean they don't love them - It can mean that their initial reaction is not 100% positive. Their son or daughter has had years to come to terms with being gay. On the other hand they may have only had hours. It's completely unrealistic to expect 100% acceptance and tolerance immediately. They may have fears for their son or daughter that need to be talked through. I am aware of some parents who reacted very badly initially but over time they became different people - much much more accepting and in ways loving.

I disagree, it is realistic for parents to be 100% ok with it once they hear. And many parents are 100% ok with once they hear.

Annasopra

hotmail.com wrote: »

I disagree, it is realistic for parents to be 100% ok with it once they hear. And many parents are 100% ok with once they hear.

Many are not initially ok with it and screaming at them and refusing to talk to them achieves nothing. Having a calm rational discussion and being patient achieves so much more. Homophobia exists - you really can't expect that every single parent will be completely accepting. I am not saying that it shouldn't be challenged - I am saying that it should be challenged through calm rational patient discussion.

EGAR

hotmail.com wrote: »

This is complete rubbish. A parent is meant to love their child unconditionally and that's it. Unconditional love, full stop - no ifs and buts.

If a parent has an issue with gayness, they should deal with it privately and never let it be known to their child.

Bullying is caused by people with your husbands attitude. That's why there's homophobic bullying.

Sorry but you are spouting platitudes. Life is not black and white and you do not know HOW other people feel nor can you tell them how they should feel. It's up to each individual to battle their own demons not what you perceive as *normal*. Parents are people too .

As for my *husband* he may have talked the talk but he never walked the walk, so again you assume something which is simply not based on the truth.

I feel sorry for you, you must live a very lonely life way up there on your high moral horse.

MOSSAD

I have no idea how old you are, but remember you've probably had a number of years to be comfortable with yourself. It hasn't been so long for your Mom so she's still adjusting-it will take time. You must remember that they have to rethink their viewpoints and get round to some new way of thinking.
I can imagine it's very hard for you hearing what was said but it's your life to live and for nobody to map out.
Go the route of pointing everyone famous who's gay from radio people and newscasters to actors, politicians, singers. Get a couple of gay themed movies or a book-if you're a guy there's a great novel by Laura Hobson "Consenting Adult" which she based on her experiences dealing with the coming out of her son. I'm sure there are plenty of other books/movies, but it's important that she recognizes that she's not the only parent of a gay kid, and let her know that for you it's not a bed of roses either. Best of luck

cgcsb

Quite frankly it's very selfish of parents to have "expectations" of their adult children, hopes perhaps, but not expectations, still those hopes are merely aspirational. When we are young, our parents(generally) try to teach us that they can't have everything they want, they'd do well to learn the same lesson.

hotmail.com

EGAR wrote: »

Sorry but you are spouting platitudes. Life is not black and white and you do not know HOW other people feel nor can you tell them how they should feel. It's up to each individual to battle their own demons not what you perceive as *normal*. Parents are people too .

As for my *husband* he may have talked the talk but he never walked the walk, so again you assume something which is simply not based on the truth.

I feel sorry for you, you must live a very lonely life way up there on your high moral horse.

IN regard to a parents love, YES it is black and white. Parents love their child unconditionally. That means their loves doesn't come with any conditions. What part of that do you not agree with?

I also noticed that you mentioned that you are the mother of a boy...now unless you have only one child that happens to be a boy, I don't know why you mentioned that.

Your defence of your husband's language is bordering on obscene.

hotmail.com

MOSSAD wrote: »

I have no idea how old you are, but remember you've probably had a number of years to be comfortable with yourself. It hasn't been so long for your Mom so she's still adjusting-it will take time. You must remember that they have to rethink their viewpoints and get round to some new way of thinking.
I can imagine it's very hard for you hearing what was said but it's your life to live and for nobody to map out.
Go the route of pointing everyone famous who's gay from radio people and newscasters to actors, politicians, singers. Get a couple of gay themed movies or a book-if you're a guy there's a great novel by Laura Hobson "Consenting Adult" which she based on her experiences dealing with the coming out of her son. I'm sure there are plenty of other books/movies, but it's important that she recognizes that she's not the only parent of a gay kid, and let her know that for you it's not a bed of roses either. Best of luck

That sounds like an awful lot of work for the OP. What the hell - if she loved her child, then you wouldn't say such horrible things.

Gay people have to face up to it...some of their parents only love them with conditions. It's disgraceful, but sadly many gay people have to put up with it for their whole lives. It's time that gay people stopped making excuses for their parents and just admit that they are bigots.

MOSSAD

hotmail.com wrote: »

That sounds like an awful lot of work for the OP. What the hell - if she loved her child, then you wouldn't say such horrible things.

Gay people have to face up to it...some of their parents only love them with conditions. It's disgraceful, but sadly many gay people have to put up with it for their whole lives. It's time that gay peopls stopped making excuses for their parents and just admit that they are bigots.

What on earth are you talking about? Your experience may be unique to you, mine was good. But I also realize that it took me a while to accept and be comfortable with some gay things, so for someone who's suddenly having to face into this new world that their kid is part of, it must be difficult.
Nowhere in the initial thread does it say the mother doesn't love the child.

stephen_n

hotmail.com wrote: »

That sounds like an awful lot of work for the OP. What the hell - if she loved her child, then you wouldn't say such horrible things.

Gay people have to face up to it...some of their parents only love them with conditions. It's disgraceful, but sadly many gay people have to put up with it for their whole lives. It's time that gay people stopped making excuses for their parents and just admit that they are bigots.

Your initial response was probably the single worst piece of advise that I have ever seen on boards and that's saying something! Clearly your very angry about something and have taken a very black and white view of life. However you use the words unconditional love without having any idea what they mean. Love for you seems to be give me what I want or you don't love me which has an amazing childlike air too it, as in it is a totally self centered view of love. Of course parents have expectations and fears regarding their children and maybe some day you will grow up and have kids, then that will make sense. To be afraid for your children demonstrates love for them every bit as much as supporting them and it probably take the op's mum time to be able to do both but that would never happen if she took your toys out of the pram approach, "give me all I want or you don't love me" sounds to me like you have a lot of maturing still to do.

Annasopra

hotmail.com wrote: »

IN regard to a parents love, YES it is black and white. Parents love their child unconditionally. That means their loves doesn't come with any conditions. What part of that do you not agree with?

I also noticed that you mentioned that you are the mother of a boy...now unless you have only one child that happens to be a boy, I don't know why you mentioned that.

Your defence of your husband's language is bordering on obscene.

That sounds like an awful lot of work for the OP. What the hell - if she loved her child, then you wouldn't say such horrible things.

Gay people have to face up to it...some of their parents only love them with conditions. It's disgraceful, but sadly many gay people have to put up with it for their whole lives. It's time that gay people stopped making excuses for their parents and just admit that they are bigots.

I'm not quite sure if you have an understanding of the real world. Some parents do have difficulties accepting their children coming out. That is a fact. That is a reality. That does not mean they don't love them.

I am aware of two situations where the initial reaction of a parent was quite bad. In both of those situations the parents have now completely changed their mind and are very accepting of their children. If the children had taken your advice in both cases then they would probably have created an unending hostility and conflict between their parents and they would probably never have reached where they are now of having their parents acceptance and love.

hotmail.com

mango salsa wrote: »

I'm not quite sure if you have an understanding of the real world. Some parents do have difficulties accepting their children coming out. That is a fact. That is a reality. That does not mean they don't love them.

I am aware of two situations where the initial reaction of a parent was quite bad. In both of those situations the parents have now completely changed their mind and are very accepting of their children. If the children had taken your advice in both cases then they would probably have created an unending hostility and conflict between their parents and they would probably never have reached where they are now of having their parents acceptance and love.

In extreme circumstances, parents are known to have either not talked to their child after they come out or worse, threw them out of the house. Are these the actions of loving parents?

TylerIE

hotmail.com wrote: »

In extreme circumstances, parents are known to have either not talked to their child after they come out or worse, threw them out of the house. Are these the actions of loving parents?

They are not the actions of rational people... Its people who had a horrible shock. Its inconsiderate, dangerous and illogic if you love your kids.

While Id be so disappointed in parents who did that, Id probably give them a short while to redeem themselves. In this case the posters mother made an inappropriate comment, awful, but not quite as bad as kicking her out of the house.

hotmail.com

TylerIE wrote: »

They are not the actions of rational people... Its people who had a horrible shock. Its inconsiderate, dangerous and illogic if you love your kids.

While Id be so disappointed in parents who did that, Id probably give them a short while to redeem themselves. In this case the posters mother made an inappropriate comment, awful, but not quite as bad as kicking her out of the house.

This sounds like excuses.

TylerIE

hotmail.com wrote: »

This sounds like excuses.

I dont have to make excuses, I just know that it can be difficult for parents so to attack them is not always in your best interests if you want to have something resembling a relationship with them afterwards - even if its only for practical purposes.

hotmail.com

TylerIE wrote: »

I dont have to make excuses, I just know that it can be difficult for parents so to attack them is not always in your best interests if you want to have something resembling a relationship with them afterwards - even if its only for practical purposes.

Why? Why would you want to have a relationship with someone that throws you out of the house?

TylerIE

hotmail.com wrote: »

Why? Why would you want to have a relationship with someone that throws you out of the house?

Each to their own... Ive dumped relationships with friends in the past when they let me down, and come to regret it. Iv given other people too many chances for more serious stuff and also come to regret it.

In the above case the posters family said something inappropriate, didnt kick her out of the house. It was in the heat of the moment. A one off hopefully. No excuse, but an explanation (possibly).