When should you tell a potential partner that you have a child?

Ms. Pingui

I am a young, single mother of a toddler and this is something that I have been thinking about recently.
If a single mother is getting to know a guy that she is interested in, how soon should the child be mentioned? I know that this is something that may put men off persuing a relationship so should the child be mentioned straight away? After all, it would be pretty disappointing to find out the man you liked and have been getting to know, is no longer interested after you reveal the fact that you are a mother.
On the other hand why is it necessary to share such personal information with someone that you probably don't know that well?

What are your thoughts and opinions?

shinikins

I have a close friend who was in your situation a few years back. With any guy who asked her out for drinks, or dinner, she told them up front that she had a young son at home. If they couldn't deal with that, then she just forgot about them, as her child is the most important thing in her life, and she was prepared to put her own romantic life on hold until the right guy came along. She is a very confidant person, and had no problem saying it straight out in the middle of the pub, which might not be everyone's cup of tea, but she maintained it also stopped her from getting hurt by a guy who might be the most romantic man in the world, yet turn tail and run at the first sign of a child.

Its worked for her, she's just moved in with a lovely guy-but I'm not going to lie and say it was plain sailing for her. She spent about 4 years intermittantly dating, and a few guys have used her child against her during a break up(you don't spend enough time with me because of the kid/we never get to go out at the weekends etc) She was always very careful about introducing potential boyfriends to her child too, as she didn't want to upset him, or her very jealous ex-fiance, until she knew it was the right time. In fact she only introduced two boyfriends to her son, one about two years back, and her current BF.

I don't have any children yet, so obviously I wouldn't know the difficulties of dating as a single parent, but I have to say I agree with her standpoint. A child is such a huge part of any parents life, so I can imagine it would take a massive amount of energy to hide it from someone.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I'm a single mum of a small child, and letting people be privy to that information is practically one of the first things that I find myself uttering in a conversation with a new acquaintance, male and female alike - not always, but most of the time.

I can't be bothered with hiding my daughter or "forgetting" to mention her any length of time; she is the most important part of my life, so when I am asked about myself, she will be one of the first two or three things that will crop up in my conversation.

At this stage of my life, I have accepted that having a child makes me a no-go area relationship-wise to many men, and that's cool. The way I look at it, I'd better weed out the non-compatibles asap, life's too short.

BTW, I'm not saying that my MO is the right way to go about things; far from it. It could probably be seen as full-on and uncompromising; but again, that's fine by me. I now know that I need to be either with a man who will be able to handle me and my life, or with no man at all, and I live my life accordingly.

I don't like singledom all that much, but it's not the end of the world either.

starlit

Yes be honest from the start!

Raze_them_all

As soon as possible tbh.

My ex had a toddler but I knew about her in advance and didn't actually see her for maybe 8 or 9 months into our relationship which is grand. Telling them about your child and having them meet don't have to be anyway close in time.

ash23

I think it's personal preference to be honest. For me I always tell people upfront and right away. I feel that she's such a big part of my life it's impossible to avoid the issue.

A friend of mine was a single parent and always kept it quiet until a few dates in. She claimed that it should be on a need to know basis.
She met someone and told him after a while and he said he was ok with it but a year in he got cold feet about it and they broke up. But he regretted it, they got back together and are now married with their own children too.
I met someone who I was upfront with and after a few months he backed off, citing my child as the reason.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that personally I think that it doesn't make any difference. If they have a problem with you having a child, they'll have it right away, after 3 dates, after 3 months. It won't matter. If it's a big enough deal breaker for them it'll signal the end of the relationship at some stage.

Also, in my friends case the dad was very involved so she had lots of free time and was able to agree to dates regularly. However I'm quite literally on my own and it's hard to get minders in order to date so I suppose my child is more "obvious" in that situation. As in them trying to arrange a date and me having to put it off for a week or more with no reason looks like I'm not interested. Telling them about my child means they get why I'm not agreeing to frequent dates.

Malari

ash23 wrote: »

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that personally I think that it doesn't make any difference. If they have a problem with you having a child, they'll have it right away, after 3 dates, after 3 months. It won't matter. If it's a big enough deal breaker for them it'll signal the end of the relationship at some stage.

I don't know if that's true. I mean, to a certain extent if it's a deal-breaker it will be straight away, but for those who think they won't have a problem with a child being a priority they may only realise a few months later that it's interfering too much in the relationship or dating a parent is not what they thought it would be.

I would feel a bit annoyed if someone I was dating didn't tell me straight away they had a child.

ash23

Malari wrote: »

I don't know if that's true. I mean, to a certain extent if it's a deal-breaker it will be straight away, but for those who think they won't have a problem with a child being a priority they may only realise a few months later that it's interfering too much in the relationship or dating a parent is not what they thought it would be.

Well, thats kind of what I mean. As I said I dated someone and told him right away and it was no problem. And then a few months later it became one.
Same with my friend. She told him after a few months, he was ok with it initially and then a year later it was a problem and they broke up.

What I meant was if it's a problem, it's a problem. And how long you take to tell them won't matter really.

daenerysstormborn3

My boyfriend's mad ex told him about one of her children after they had been seeing each other for 3 months, it took her a further 5 months to tell him about her other child.

Malari

pixiebean22 wrote: »

My boyfriend's mad ex told him about one of her children after they had been seeing each other for 3 months, it took her a further 5 months to tell him about her other child.

That's a whole new level of deception. For a lot of people I suspect it would be the lying that's the issue, not the child!

Giselle

I'd be pretty annoyed if I wasn't told from the off about a child.

Firstly I'd wonder why he avoided mentioning it, and secondly it'd be a big thing to take into account if I was considering a relationship.

Sooner the better OP, it either matters at the outset or it doesn't. How things develop depends on the pair (or the three) of you.

Ms. Pingui

Yes I do agree that it is best to be honest from the start. Maybe my problem is my age. I'm only 22 so I think a child is a bigger deal to guys my age than it would be to an older man.
I have two issues with telling guys I have just met about my child;

It comes across as being very forward.
It scares most guys away before they even get to know me.

I'm not even looking for a serious relationship, I just want to date and have fun like any other girl my age. This would mean that the guy would probably never even have to meet my daughter unless, in time, we both decided to take the relationship to the next level.

Raze_them_all

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

Yes I do agree that it is best to be honest from the start. Maybe my problem is my age. I'm only 22 so I think a child is a bigger deal to guys my age than it would be to an older man.
I have two issues with telling guys I have just met about my child;

It comes across as being very forward.
It scares most guys away before they even get to know me.

I'm not even looking for a serious relationship, I just want to date and have fun like any other girl my age. This would mean that the guy would probably never even have to meet my daughter unless, in time, we both decided to take the relationship to the next level.

Same age as my ex. Like I said tell them up front, it makes things easier especially as someone said it means that if you cancel once or twice they know it's not because yer not interested.

Anybody who complains to being second to someones child isn't mature enough to be with someone anyway

Rossin

The last girl I was dating had a child, I knew anyway because of facebook but I noticed she dropped it in conversation on our first date, seemed like a good way to do it, sure if you get a second late you at least know thats not an issue

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Giselle

A guy having a kid wouldn't necessarily put me off, but being kept in the dark about it definitely would.