We were on a break/broken up

LegacyUser

Hey folks, I’ve a bit of a dilemma…

Does the “we were on a break” excuse work in real life?

Basically myself and my gf broke up for a weekend (though I didn't know it would be that short at the time), and I ended up going out the next day and going home with a girl I knew. As far as I was concerned we were genuinely broken up - it had come completely out of the blue and I didn’t want it at all. So logically I did nothing wrong right?

The break up occurred because she had a lot going on and had basically a mini-freak out about all the stuff she’s facing. Within about 48 hours of breaking up she met me to tell me she’d made a massive mistake and hadn’t stopped crying since. Apparently all her friends and family gave out to her for it and she realised she was making a mistake. So, I took her back and things were basically the exact same as they were before we broke up (ie a great relationship).

So, the question is - do I say anything about the other girl? I honestly feel the answer to this is no because she broke up with me out of nowhere, and if I did say anything I imagine it’d cause A LOT of problems for us because the other girl has always been really flirty around me. There were a few instances where I could have gone home with her if I wanted, but I obviously didn’t out of loyalty to my gf.

I always thought the girl was very attractive, but as soon as I was at home with her I realised I really didn't want to be with her at all and the only girl I wanted to be with was my gf. So I guess that's something good to have come out of it at least??!

I’d appreciate any input on this one please.

MitchKoobski

I'd tell her, specifically this part:

I always thought the girl was very attractive, but as soon as I was at home with her I realised I really didn't want to be with her at all and the only girl I wanted to be with was my gf.

I personally don't think you did anything wrong. She broke up with you, you were upset and went out, and a girl you found attractive was flirting with you so you went with it. You didn't go home with the girl while with your girlfriend.

One of my good friend's girlfriend broke up with him the exact same way and ended up kissing someone else within two days. They were back together a week later, she told him exactly what happened and they're still together to this day. Not the exact same situation, but they quickly moved on and it never came up again.

Look at it this way, if you don't tell her, she will eventually find out. Whether it be through a mutual friend or the girl herself telling someone, it will come out. Telling her "It happened during the time we were broken up" probably won't go down well at that point given that you didn't tell her yourself.

Elmidena

I think you should tell her, as if the other girl was flirty for ages etc chances are that the girlfriend will find out at some stage and she'll resent you for hiding it.

On the other hand, be prepared for her being insecure and lacking trust. I don't think it'd be unreasonable to slice off contact with the fling either, regardless of how much time you've known each other or whatever, you need to show your dedication is with your girlfriend and not someone else, especially not someone she's already been suspicious of.

She's had a lot on her plate hence the out of the blue breakup, she may be depressed. Tread carefully. I don't know how long ye were together, but if it was years she may come through it, if it wasn't long at all then there's not much hope I'm afraid.

Just keep in mind if you don't tell her, chances are she WILL find out anyway. There's really no way to "play it safe"

Firetrap

Sunshine! wrote: »

Just keep in mind if you don't tell her, chances are she WILL find out anyway. There's really no way to "play it safe"

^^ This. Your problem is that she wasn't a randomer but someone you know. I'm sure other people know you went home with her.

Kadongy

In an rpg, this act would be "lawful evil" imo. You didn't break any rules, but I find it incredibly callous, and it makes your level of emotional and sexual commitment to your ex very questionable if you were ready to do that so fast with someone else.

My reaction has been disgust or extreme dislike when serious exes have gone off with someone else within a few weeks of a breakup, never mind the same couple of days. Not everyone is wired the same way of course, but to me there's nothing like absolutely finalising a breakup like one of you sleeping with another person.

LegacyUser

Thank you all, the responses are very much appreciated.

The only people who know are 4/5 of my best friends. All boys, all been friends for the last 20+ years. I can 100% guarantee no one saw us leave together. As far as I’m aware, there are no mutual friends involved, the girl is from a completely separate group to my normal friends, and I doubt she’d tell anyone because she knows her reputation would be damaged to an extent (this is relatively hard to explain and outside of what I want to go into).

So, no one except me and my best friends know. I don’t know if she’s said it to anyone, possibly to her house mates, none of whom know my girlfriend or any of her friends, to the best of my knowledge.

Does that change things at all?


Kadogny,
I understand completely what you’re saying, and it is for that reason that I don’t want to say anything. My opinion of what it means is different to yours, but I feel my girlfriend would share yours. I didn’t want to break up in the first place, and love the girl very much so was delighted to hear she’d copped on. Being with someone else has only served to reaffirm just how lucky I am. And if you knew mine or her friends and asked, they would both agree I treat her exceptionally well, both before and after (I’m not trying to toot my own horn on this, I’ve been told it before by them.)

Elmidena

Ross&Rach-OP wrote: »

Does that change things at all?

Honestly? No. Hell hath no fury and all that, if the fling fancied you for ages be prepared for spurned revenge. Your mates say it in passing in a drunk moment in earshot of your gf's family or friends or whatever and your neck is on the chopping block. If you love her, tell her. If not, be prepared for a possibly very sticky end to your relationship.

You really wouldn't be wise to wager everything on your gf not finding out. That'll be trust honesty and everything gone at once, and she'll never believed you loved her etc and will most likely ignore you flat out. You might "get away with it" but that'll be sitting on your conscience a long time, and the longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

ash23

If you can forgive her for dumping you, she should be able to forgive you. Not that I think there is anything to forgive. It would be different if it were a fight and she stormed out. But she actually broke up with you, told you she didn't want to be with you anymore.
The risk you take when you dump someone is that they will meet someone else.

I think you should tell her and she may be a bit annoyed, but she (imo) has no right to be. She dumped you, you believed her and you did what you did as a single man.

If it wasn't a proper "I don't want to be with you anymore" kind of breakup and was more of a tiff, then it's a different story but seems to me from the OP, she was very clear about the fact that she was ending things.

Kadongy

Ross&Rach-OP wrote: »

Thank you all, the responses are very much appreciated.

The only people who know are 4/5 of my best friends. All boys, all been friends for the last 20+ years. I can 100% guarantee no one saw us leave together. As far as I’m aware, there are no mutual friends involved, the girl is from a completely separate group to my normal friends, and I doubt she’d tell anyone because she knows her reputation would be damaged to an extent (this is relatively hard to explain and outside of what I want to go into).

So, no one except me and my best friends know. I don’t know if she’s said it to anyone, possibly to her house mates, none of whom know my girlfriend or any of her friends, to the best of my knowledge.

Does that change things at all?


Kadogny,
I understand completely what you’re saying, and it is for that reason that I don’t want to say anything. My opinion of what it means is different to yours, but I feel my girlfriend would share yours. I didn’t want to break up in the first place, and love the girl very much so was delighted to hear she’d copped on. Being with someone else has only served to reaffirm just how lucky I am. And if you knew mine or her friends and asked, they would both agree I treat her exceptionally well, both before and after (I’m not trying to toot my own horn on this, I’ve been told it before by them.)

Yes it makes it less bad if it's kept discrete. Especially if no girls she knows know.

I think you're right not to say anything. I think saying anything would be bad. I would see telling her without being asked as just rubbing it in her face really - and it might come across like you are telling her and you did it out of spite, which it doesn't sound like is the case. Honesty doesn't always require full disclosure. You weren't with her at the time, so you aren't required to tell her in my mind... However you should probably prepare how you would tell her if she asks for some reason, or if somehow she does find out. Even if she asks directly, you are entitled to refuse to answer if you choose. You were broken up, so asserting that boundary is acceptable. I doubt you would want to know if she had done the same, unless it was part of the reason she broke up with you.

I respect that you see things differently to me, but I would say that treating someone well and being committed to them are different things. In fact sometimes people treat their partners better if they are less committed to them, if bad treatment comes out of emotionality.

I've no idea if you are like this or not, and am saying it more as a general comment than something directed at you personally - but some people just say what the other person wants to hear, regarding how they feel and how things are. That's not treating someone well, even if it is motivated by a desire to make them feel good - it's just being dishonest.

Sunshine! wrote: »

Honestly? No. Hell hath no fury and all that, if the fling fancied you for ages be prepared for spurned revenge. Your mates say it in passing in a drunk moment in earshot of your gf's family or friends or whatever and your neck is on the chopping block. If you love her, tell her. If not, be prepared for a possibly very sticky end to your relationship.

You really wouldn't be wise to wager everything on your gf not finding out. That'll be trust honesty and everything gone at once, and she'll never believed you loved her etc and will most likely ignore you flat out. You might "get away with it" but that'll be sitting on your conscience a long time, and the longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

That attitude is just very selfish tbh. You only consider what is in his best interests and not what would be best for his gf. She doesn't necessarily need to know that. Her knowing that won't do anything for her. If she does need to know it she can ask.

ash23 wrote: »

If you can forgive her for dumping you, she should be able to forgive you. Not that I think there is anything to forgive. It would be different if it were a fight and she stormed out. But she actually broke up with you, told you she didn't want to be with you anymore.
The risk you take when you dump someone is that they will meet someone else.

I think you should tell her and she may be a bit annoyed, but she (imo) has no right to be. She dumped you, you believed her and you did what you did as a single man.

If it wasn't a proper "I don't want to be with you anymore" kind of breakup and was more of a tiff, then it's a different story but seems to me from the OP, she was very clear about the fact that she was ending things.

That attitude just seems vindictive. Like he is entitled to punish her for dumping him or something. Well she did this so -ha! he did that. Nasty horrible approach to things. If you hate someone just break up with them; dont get "revenge".

Colonel_McCoy

Say nothing.......if you tell her it could end it. nothing to be gained by telling her only everything to lose

ash23

Kadongy wrote: »

That attitude just seems vindictive. Like he is entitled to punish her for dumping him or something. Well she did this so -ha! he did that. Nasty horrible approach to things. If you hate someone just break up with them; dont get "revenge".

No, I didn't mean it like that. I just think that she has to bear in mind that it was essentially her actions that lead to this happening. He forgave her for breaking up with him. Many wouldn't. He didn't cheat on her because by her own actions, she left him a single man, free to do as he pleases.

I don't know where you're getting the "if you hate someone" thing from.
I'm just saying that she has to take some of the blame for creating this situation in the first place. She can't go off on one and say he cheated on her. By her own actions, he wasn't her boyfriend at the time.

Kadongy

ash23 wrote: »

No, I didn't mean it like that. I just think that she has to bear in mind that it was essentially her actions that lead to this happening. He forgave her for breaking up with him. Many wouldn't. He didn't cheat on her because by her own actions, she left him a single man, free to do as he pleases.

I don't know where you're getting the "if you hate someone" thing from.
I'm just saying that she has to take some of the blame for creating this situation in the first place. She can't go off on one and say he cheated on her. By her own actions, he wasn't her boyfriend at the time.

Fair enough I took you up wrongly. I still see nothing good in telling her though.

seenitall

God, threads like these really make me see red sometimes...

For some strange, unexplained reason, I keep picturing myself in the gf's shoes, going about my business, unaware that the guy I love and trust went and banged another chick (who he didn't even fancy once it came to it!) the moment we were broken up. It would make me completely lose trust in his feelings toward me. Which would be a 1000 times less upsetting if we had stayed broken up.

Aything this big - it's lying by omission. I don't think you love your gf quite as much as you think you do, OP, and I certainly hope she finds out about you making good use of your little window of opportunity; I would dam well want to know.

Mmmoments

If you want to stay in a relationship with your girlfriend tell her before someone else does. if someone else tells her you will never be able to rebuild the trust. (and imagine the pain she'll go through that you couldn't even show her enough respect to be honest)

I'm judging here - I'm saying "never" because you're chickening out of telling her you slept with someone so I'm assuming you wouldn't be able to put the time and effort in to re-building her trust in you, IF she was willing to let you, that is.

You made a choice and you are responsible for the consequences. You must realise you should tell her or you wouldn't be here asking for advice (or reassurance that its ok not to - its not ok IMO).

If I was her and you were honest I'd deal with it and get over it. If I heard it from someone else I'd get over you.

Hope you realise that flirting isn't harmless now too. A lot of people are easy going about flirting but I've never experienced harmless flirting yet...it always leads to somewhere and it's in my experience no one is flirting for "fun"...its for a reason. loyalty to your girlfriend would have kept you away from anyone flirtatious - especially someone willing to disrespect your relationship by coming on to you.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Kadongy

Yeah I agree about flirting not being harmless. Missed that in the OP. If you're not available you're not available.

Absolutely tell her

Mmmoments

Kadongy wrote: »

Yeah I agree about flirting not being harmless. Missed that in the OP. If you're not available you're not available.

Yep! And if you have and had a great relationship as you say OP then respect it - if you dont you cant expect others to... if you must flirt, flirt with your other half - its actually great for your relationship chemistry

gypsy_rose

I think you should tell her for the additional reason of her own dignity, obviously she's going to see your friends sometimes and if she does find out she'll feel really humiliated that everyone knew you were with someone else except her. Tell her exactly what happened and that you only did it to try and feel better, not because you delighted to be suddenly single again! As others have said, she will be feeling bad for dumping you for what seems to be no solid reason, so if she does get angry be sure to tell her that.

Cut contact with the other girl and maybe reassure your gf that you really fancy her and she sexually pleases you etc in case she feels insecure about that.

Elmidena

Kadongy wrote: »

That attitude is just very selfish tbh. You only consider what is in his best interests and not what would be best for his gf. She doesn't necessarily need to know that. Her knowing that won't do anything for her. If she does need to know it she can ask.

I beg to differ. She's never going to throw a party and gush thanks, but if she found out from another source it would DESTROY her

Jess16

By your own admission, your girlfriend broke up with you because the girl was stressed and overwhelmed from 'having a lot going on'. And your response to this was to jump into bed with someone else. Wow.

You need to tell this poor girl about what you've done and let her decide for herself if she wants to stay with someone who doesn't really give a fig about her or her emotions.

You claim to love her but actions speak louder than words. And your actions led you to hopping into bed with someone else when the girl you claim to love was going through a rough time. If you cared one iota about her or the relationship, you'd have been seeking ways to fix things, not having sex with someone else at the first available opportunity.

Stop lying to her and spare her the humiliation of finding out from someone else. She's already having a rough time, you should be making things better, not ten times worse

Mighty_Mouse

Don't say a word.
Learn the lessons and move on.
She will fail to understand it was just a physical act for whatever reasons
A man can be completely genuine and say "it meant nothing"....
A woman will never comprehend this.
Say nothing, if it comes up down the road explain. Your relationship is already on rocky grounds. This admission will finish it.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,I honestly don't think you've actually got much of a choice here,as your original post states this girl is known to you both,has been "really flirty" with you in the past,your girlfriend breaks up with you,the following night you hook up with her....now she's going to discover she was a ONS.....chances are she's going to be extremely p**sed which could lead her to turn nasty!!As said previously,hell hath no fury.
The only way you can make this situation any way better is by giving your side of the story to your girlfriend as soon as possible cos if she hears it from the other girl-you're buggered.TBH you'd better be prepared for a roasting at the v least.But trust me-not telling your girlfriend the full story is going to end in tears,both hers and yours.

fungun

I understand your position. However, I always advise to tell her in a situation like this because it is not a randommer. 4/5 male friends and the girl herself knowing (plus who she might have told) is far too many to actually keep this a secret forever...maybe for a while just. You never know what one of your friends may let slip on a drunken night in 5 years time. You never know what this ONS girl may feel like at some stage....any argument with your gf over anything....ever!...and she could blurt it out.

If you dont say anything you spend your life at the mercy of this happening, knowing a storm may break at any moment, because if you havent told her and you are still together it certainly is an issue at that stage cos she will wonder why you never said it (rightfully so). Id hate that feeling, so I would say it now.

seenitall

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

She will fail to understand it was just a physical act for whatever reasons

For whatever reasons?? The reasons are clear as day I'm afraid (and that's the entirety of the OP's problem, btw) - he couldn't keep it in his pants longer than a couple of hours after the girl he "loves" broke up with him.

Quite right his relationship is on shaky ground. The fact that the relationship would perhaps cease to exist altogether if the gf knew the truth, just underscores the inherent deceit of their present situation.

Anyway, I do hope that the OP doesn't in fact come clean, because I share the others' view that she will almost certainly find out by different means, and it will be easier for her to do right by herself in that case, than if he's the one to tell her.

Sleepy

For the posters reprimanding the OP for sleeping with someone else so quickly, try to bear in mind that we're all wired differently, while some of ye may try to get over a break-up with a tub of Ben & Jerry's and Dirty Dancing, others of us believe the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.

(And it's not a strictly male / female divide either, btw)

seenitall

Sleepy wrote: »

For the posters reprimanding the OP for sleeping with someone else so quickly, try to bear in mind that we're all wired differently, while some of ye may try to get over a break-up with a tub of Ben & Jerry's and Dirty Dancing, others of us believe the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.

(And it's not a strictly male / female divide either, btw)

Very true. But she still deserves to know to which of these two kinds her b/f belongs.

Jess16

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

She will fail to understand it was just a physical act for whatever reasons
A man can be completely genuine and say "it meant nothing"....
A woman will never comprehend this

Exactly but just because it meant nothing to him, doesn't mean it will mean nothing to her. And frankly, it's her prerogative to be upset if her boyfriend sleeps with someone else within days of them breaking up.

Just because he deems it ok, doesn't mean his girlfriend has to. It's called respecting other people's emotions and their right to feel aggrieved, whether you like or not.

Every action has a consequence which the OP was fully aware of when he was having sex with someone else. And at that moment, he decided him having sex was more important than the effect it would have on somebody he loved. Now he has to face the consequences of that decision, not lie about it to save his own skin.

Firetrap

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Don't say a word.
Learn the lessons and move on.
She will fail to understand it was just a physical act for whatever reasons
A man can be completely genuine and say "it meant nothing"....
A woman will never comprehend this.
Say nothing, if it comes up down the road explain. Your relationship is already on rocky grounds. This admission will finish it.

There's a lot to be said for this but I think the OP runs the distinct risk of her finding out. Bad and all as it will be for him to tell her now, it'd be absolute dynamite if she was to find out herself later.

gypsy_rose

Also the fact that, as the OP said, this girl he slept with was always flirting with him etc., then when they broke up she got her wish of being with him. Now he's unavailable again, she will be angry and hurt, and will definitly tell people what happened. It's going to come out, so when the inevitable happens that it comes up on a drunken night out, she needs to know so as to be prepared and listen to other people's opinions on the situation, i.e. he fancies the other girl and if you have a fight he may go back to her again etc. Not that this is true but people love gossip and skewing things, if she heard it for the first time from someone else, it's going to be very hard for him to convince her otherwise. The first thing that comes out of her mouth will be "Why didn't you tell me?" And she will be right in saying that.

Starokan

personally i would only tell her if you think the other girl is going to tell people about it and it will come back to your gf. That would be pretty rough on her and unfair. However if you feel that what happened between you and the other girl will stay between you both then happy days , keep it that way.

perhaps i view this a bit differently to other posters here but i can see how this can happen. The op got dumped felt crap, went out and ended up with someone. So what, many girls react this way as do many guys. At the time as far as he was concerned , the previous relationship was a goner. Its not disrespectful , its just his way of getting through it. My opinion on what you did that night is its none of your girlfriends business unless you believe it will impact on her .

Plus the other girl you were with should be considered as well, by sounds of it she has liked you for a while, she got with you when you were single, why should her actions be knowledge for other people if perhaps she wants to keep it quiet.

hope it works out for you both now you are back together

Esoteric_

I'm gonna be honest here, and will probably be flamed for it but here goes.

I'm not the type of person who can get over someone by getting under someone else. I would feel somewhat betrayed if I was only broken up with someone a few days and they slept with someone else. I would question whether or not they truly loved me, if we got back together. However, if they told me the truth straight away, while it would hurt me a lot tbh, it would prove to me that they love me enough to be honest, knowing it could ruin things, but wanting to make a fresh start. It would show me that they do love me because they are willing to potentially lose me just to make things morally right with me.

However, this girl has been flirting with you for ages you say? Was she doing this while you were in your relationship? If so, and you chose her for a ONS, I would seriously doubt your loyalty and love that you say you have for your girlfriend. Sleeping with someone when you're hurt, I get it, I don't do it myself but I can see why others do. But sleeping with someone who showed nothing but disrespect for your relationship (if she flirted while you guys were together)? That's going beyond normal break up behaviour to just plain sh!tty behaviour IMO.

Katgurl

I've been the girlfriend in an identical situation, he told me and I gave him another chance.

But believe me when I say this - you tell her sooner rather than later, be prepared for a roasting, be aware that you have hurt and betrayed her and be 100% honest with her. Make sure she is reassured that she is the one you want to be with, you were feeling sad about the breakup NOT that your eyes gleamed with your sudden single opportunity.

Do not dream of not telling her and running the risk of her finding out elsewhere IF you love her like you claim.

Kadongy

Sunshine! wrote: »

I beg to differ. She's never going to throw a party and gush thanks, but if she found out from another source it would DESTROY her

That might be true, but it's completely different to the reasons you gave in the post I was responding to. In that you only offered selfish reasons.

gypsy_rose

I know this has been said earlier, but I really don't think people are getting it. They were not on a break, they were broken up the OP presumed they were broken up for good and why shouldn't he? In which case, he was entitled to do absolutely whatever he liked. I still think he should tell her, but when you break up with someone you deal with the risk of this kind of thing happening should you get back together.

While I presume she thought they were broken up for good too at the time, it is really so unfair to break up with someone seriously for good, and then take them back a few days later like nothing happened, it really messes with your emotions.

Jess16

gypsy_rose wrote: »

I know this has been said earlier, but I really don't think people are getting it. They were not on a break, they were broken up the OP presumed they were broken up for good and why shouldn't he?

I think the point that you're missing gypsyrose is that if you truly love and care for someone, then those emotions you have for them don't just disappear the moment you break up. The fact that the OP was able to sleep with somebody so soon afterwards would cause people to question whether he held any real emotions for his girlfriend in the first place or even if he did, how and why he was able to override (no pun intended) them so easily in order to sleep with someone else

gypsy_rose

Jess16 wrote: »

I think the point that you're missing gypsyrose is that if you truly love and care for someone, then those emotions you have for them don't just disappear the moment you break up. The fact that the OP was able to sleep with somebody so soon afterwards would cause people to question whether he held any real emotions for his girlfriend in the first place or even if he did, how and why he was able to override (no pun intended) them so easily in order to sleep with someone else

Different strokes I think. I probably would, can't say how much I'd really enjoy it, but it would ease the pain a bit. I really don't think this neccessarily means he didn't love his gf and wasn't heartbroken when it happened, he was just trying to find a way to get over it. He was the one dumped out of the blue.

Anyways I guess we're getting off the point here a bit, because the OP wants to know what he should do, whether he loves his gf or not is not something we're really going to figure out unless he tells us otherwise.

Elmidena

Kadongy wrote: »

That might be true, but it's completely different to the reasons you gave in the post I was responding to. In that you only offered selfish reasons.

Pretty certain I didn't, as I don't advocate covering up/not talking about something this major.

Sunshine! wrote: »

I think you should tell her, as if the other girl was flirty for ages etc chances are that the girlfriend will find out at some stage and she'll resent you for hiding it.

On the other hand, be prepared for her being insecure and lacking trust. I don't think it'd be unreasonable to slice off contact with the fling either, regardless of how much time you've known each other or whatever, you need to show your dedication is with your girlfriend and not someone else, especially not someone she's already been suspicious of.

She's had a lot on her plate hence the out of the blue breakup, she may be depressed. Tread carefully. I don't know how long ye were together, but if it was years she may come through it, if it wasn't long at all then there's not much hope I'm afraid.

Just keep in mind if you don't tell her, chances are she WILL find out anyway. There's really no way to "play it safe"

I honestly don't see how you're seeing this as selfish, but ok I obviously wrote something I'm not seeing, so I'll just clarify. It wasn't meant that way at all, I was saying to show dedication etc if the relationship was to stand a chance, and to tread carefully when tackling the situation. This is the kind of thing that can make or break a relationship for good, and if he wants any hope of "making" it, then honesty has to come into play, but be tactful and not all guns blazing.

IE, if he does want to be with her he should tell her, rather than worrying about covering his tail. If she means that much to him then he'll tell her, out of respect, dignity and love. Not to hurt her. If she doesn't mean that much, or he doesn't own up to it then he should expect to be in the single lane in the future. Hopefully this is a bit clearer to you now

Edit, ah, sorry mixed up posts! Had already bashed out the above and so was answering the question on why it wasn't ok in different terms in addition to the above. Sowwy

Kadongy

Sunshine! wrote: »

Honestly? No. Hell hath no fury and all that, if the fling fancied you for ages be prepared for spurned revenge. Your mates say it in passing in a drunk moment in earshot of your gf's family or friends or whatever and your neck is on the chopping block. If you love her, tell her. If not, be prepared for a possibly very sticky end to your relationship.

You really wouldn't be wise to wager everything on your gf not finding out. That'll be trust honesty and everything gone at once, and she'll never believed you loved her etc and will most likely ignore you flat out. You might "get away with it" but that'll be sitting on your conscience a long time, and the longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

This was the post I was responding to and quoted which I said was suggesting a selfish attitude.

I take back saying the OP should say, after realising it was witha girl he was flirting with while he was with the gf. I thought it happened entirely outside of the relationship when I was replying before..

Mighty_Mouse

For whatever reasons?? The reasons are clear as day I'm afraid (and that's the entirety of the OP's problem, btw) - he couldn't keep it in his pants longer than a couple of hours after the girl he "loves" broke up with him.

In "general" for many men a 1-night stand is just a physical act.
It can be as easy as going for a pint or buying a bag of chips.
An emotional connection with the girl is nice but unnecessary.
On the night in question, he was probably drunk, upset and easily flattered when a girl approached him.
The reason he went home with her is probably a combination of revenge, comfort, and ego (proving he still could after a period "out of the game".

In truth if the sex didn't have consequences in terms of his ex-gf, he would quickly forget about it.

Girls do not and will not ever completely understand this.

If he tells her he wrecks his chance at sorting out the relationship which matters.
IMO trust can never be repaired completely.

This is clearly still a rocky un-settled relationship. Plenty of people have had their ups & downs before settling into stability ie. marriage & monogomy.

Don't tell. Develop the relationship into something serious.
Forget about it completely.

Every action has a consequence

The consequence of the gf dumping him is it would send him into a tailspin.

he decided him having sex was more important than the effect it would have on somebody he loved

I doubt he thought about it in this light.
In wasn't emotional fall in love sex. It meant little.
I'm hungry = eat
I'm horny/lonely = sex

Virgil°

I too think people are getting the wrong idea of the OP's actions. Just because he slept with someone so soon after doesn't mean that he wasn't devastated at the loss of the relationship. What about the girlfriends lack of feelings for the OP when she dumped him? He was the only one at the time that wanted to keep it, people keep glossing over this.
It has been and probably always will be my assumption that if someone dumps me, it's for keeps, otherwise you run the risk of drifting through your days waiting for the person to come back when the most likely scenario is that they won't.
I went out a few nights after I was dumped once and scored. Now I didn't end up in bed with the girl nor did my ex take me back. But my feelings mirrored fairly closely what mighty mouse described above. I felt lonely, frustrated,rejected and upset. I scored that girl in the club thinking "Yeah I can still get girls!" and " **** my stupid ex". I was still heartbroken at the loss of my loving relationship but I could have cared less what my ex thought about what I did. She got rid of me, from that point on my priorities lay with how I felt not how she did.

In relation to what you should do OP i'm gonna disagree with MM, I think you should probably tell her. The chances of her not finding out at some stage are very slim. Its a rock and a hard place situation OP but I genuinely think the lesser of the two evils is telling her.
All the best.

I am a friend

There was a very similar post here recently in which the girlfrind found out and was devastated.

The circle is too small so you need to tell her.

pookie82

WTF? I can't believe what I'm reading from the females on here (I'm female).

SHE broke up with HIM. What he does after that is HIS business, until she comes crawling back asking for a second chance.

I think you should tell her, OP, because there's no point starting back into the relationship with something like this hanging over you, but don't take any guilt trips over it. She broke it off. End of story. As long as she was definitive about ending it, it's your preogative entirely what you do from there on in.

And don't listen to all the BS being spouted about how this means you never loved her. Half the people on here think life is a Mills and Boon book. You going out and getting laid because you were pissed off/at a loose end doesn't reflect on her at all. Her fault that you were single in the first place. Some people might expect you to have stayed home all week crying into your pillow but in reality, people go out and meet other people and whatever happens, happens.

If I threw a wobbler and broke up with my BF and he slept with someone else the next day, would i be upset? Completely. Would I have reason to be mad at him? No. He's SINGLE the moment I give him the flick! I'm not naive enough to think him having sex means he never loved me.

So tell her, but tell her you're not taking grief for it. You'll forgive her for breaking up with you on a whim and she forgets about the fact that you slept with someone else, provided you don't keep in contact with this other girl. End of story.

midlandsmissus

fungun wrote: »

I understand your position. However, I always advise to tell her in a situation like this because it is not a randommer. 4/5 male friends and the girl herself knowing (plus who she might have told) is far too many to actually keep this a secret forever...maybe for a while just. You never know what one of your friends may let slip on a drunken night in 5 years time. You never know what this ONS girl may feel like at some stage....any argument with your gf over anything....ever!...and she could blurt it out.

If you dont say anything you spend your life at the mercy of this happening, knowing a storm may break at any moment, because if you havent told her and you are still together it certainly is an issue at that stage cos she will wonder why you never said it (rightfully so). Id hate that feeling, so I would say it now.

I think what you did was understandable tbh, obviously not the perfect thing to do but we all make mistakes. You were hurt, in shock, your way of seeking comfort was going to sleep with some-one you knew who liked you.

Don't beat yourself up about it but do try and think of the girl you essentailly used to feel better, who you knew who liked you, try to be nice to her next time you see her.

Can I ust say it's the 4/5 friends that will let you down here. Nothing like this is ever kept secret, and do you know how this gets out?: couples tell each other everything.

My ex boyfriend used to spill everything on his friends to me when he was drunk, stuff I wasn't comfortable knowing. For example he told me one night his friend had slept with a prostitute a few weeks after he got married on a lads tour away.

It was so huge and they had just got married that I kept it to myself but I could never look him in the eye again, or not feel guilty round her.

Lads spill to their girlfriends when drunk.

One of them will end up telling their girlfriend,she will tell her friends etc.

So I would reccomend telling her yourself.

seenitall

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Girls do not and will not ever completely understand this.

Yes. I agree with a lot of your post, although it seems you haven't read any of mine.

A lot of girls wouldn't be able to understand his behaviour, and more to the point, wouldn't be able to get past it (I'm most probably one of them:)); some, on the other hand, would, like pookie82.

All I am saying (when you skip by reading my emotional response) is that this girl has the right to make that decision for herself, based on all the pertinent information. You are advising the OP to lie by omission, and to have this big secret in their relationship forever more. You know that it is not fair on this girl not to be informed of something this big, potentially devastating to her, and potentially altering of her view of the OP. If it were fair on her, or the right thing to do by her, to keep quiet, this thread wouldn't exist.

This thread is about the well-being of the relationship vs. the right thing to do by a loved one. I'm sorry, but that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

Mighty_Mouse

this girl has the right to make that decision for herself

I agree with you in that the rights v wrongs are complicated.

A lot of girls wouldn't be able to understand his behaviour, and more to the point, wouldn't be able to get past it (I'm most probably one of them

The choice is
tell her = no relationship;
don't tell = relationship.

IMO, the sex was truly meaningless.
From the OP's point of view it is of little significance to the relationship.
From the GF point of view it's life shattering.

If both parties really want to try and re-build their relationship, then IMO the OP can justify withholding this information.

True honesty is not necessarily the best policy in all circumstances.

Jess16

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

True honesty is not necessarily the best policy in all circumstances.

It is when it has the potential to sway crucial decisions. It's calculating and manipulative to withhold information from someone to get the response you want

um7y1h83ge06nx

Seeing as the girl he scored wasn't a randomer he should tell the GF. She probably won't like it but she has no right to be upset, he was SINGLE and probably hurting.

I really don't see why the OP is the big, bad wolf. Would people have preferred he sat in a corner with a bottle of whiskey lamenting?

People use or attempt to use sex as a way of easing pain. One of my best friends had sex with his ex less than 12 hours after his mother was buried. He told me he was hurting and needed to feel wanted and loved.

WhatWillBee

Allie Angry Sugarcane wrote: »

Would people have preferred he sat in a corner with a bottle of whiskey lamenting?

Yes actually, if I was his ex I think I would have preferred that.

Look I think you are totally right, people use sex to feel wanted and loved and comforted and thats what happened here. But if I'm the gf and my ex boyf sleeps with someone else 24hrs after we break up all I'm thinking is that he didn't give a crap about me or the relationship and he didn't even skip a beat before he moved onto someone else. If the relationship meant anything to him he should be grieving the end of it, not motorboating his cares away

She may be wrong, but that's how it will feel when she finds out and that's going to be the hardest part of it for her I would imagine.

Jess16

Allie Angry Sugarcane wrote: »

People use or attempt to use sex as a way of easing pain

No actually, there are plenty of people who are perfectly able to cope with pain and break-ups by themselves without resorting to using other people to suit their own selfish agenda.

The normal, healthy response to the loss of a relationship is to grieve and be upset about it. What is not healthy is not having the strength to deal with your own emotions and having to sleep with other people in order to block them out.

All it does is prolong the pain that will inevitably still be there once the act is over, in addition to drafting some poor, unsuspecting third party into other people's issues. Which is precisely what the OP has done and why he's facing the problems that he now does. Sleeping with other people soon after a break-up rarely solves issues, it just adds to to the existing ones.

Other people can't fix your pain for you. Which is why I always think you need to be ok by yourself before you can be ok with somebody else

dafunk

This might be useful <MOD SNIP (linking against our charter)>



The whole debate of "yeah but they were broken up, he did nothing wrong" is irrelevant when it comes to matters of the heart. More than likely it will gut her and make her sick to the stomach and she'll feel that somethig pure between the two of you has been tainted and destroyed.

Dunno what you should do but if I was in your gfs situation I would rather not know.

seenitall

pookie82 wrote: »

I'm not naive enough to think him having sex means he never loved me.

TBH, I wouldn't be naive enough to think it meant anything other than that, indeed.

One person's Mills and Boone's is another person's sine-qua-non; and the g/f has the right and the choice to feel whatever the heck she will feel about it, same as you do. Or should I say, should have that choice, if it weren't denied her by the OP (because he knows her well enough to know how she will feel).