My Girlfriends Son (sorry its a long one)

LegacyUser

All the regs know me here and I wish I could say who it is but I’m going unreg for this just in case my girlfriend sees it or it gets back to her, anyway now I’m looking for some much needed advice on the situation I’m in


Cant give too much information on the subject because my girlfriend is a member of boards as well but here is some of the background, going to call her Kay

I meet key about 8 months ago and from the second we met we hit it off, she’s like no other girl I’ve met before, always in a good mood, very caring, down to earth, basically no BS out of her. Our relationship moved very fast and before long it was obvious to both of us that we were right for each other and I could see a future with her

Not long into the relationship she told me she had a child, an 11 year old boy, I saw no problem with this as I knew my feelings for her and something like that didn’t bother me, Id never been in a relationship with someone who had a child before but I’m used to looking after my nieces, nephews and cousins so I didn’t see it as a problem even though I knew this would be a completely new for me

I didn’t realise how difficult it would be

Only recently I met her son for the first time, She didn’t want to have such a big change in his life until she was sure I liked her as much as she liked me and that we were going somewhere with our relationship and I put it off myself because it was the easy option
Her family are very accommodating and looked after him anytime we wanted to be together and he wasn’t with his father

I finally met him about a month ago and made an extra special effort the first day we were together to have a smooth start and get off on the right foot, the three of us did things together that I knew he would like and we got on well. The trouble started when I stayed at their house that night, he would not go to sleep and kept on calling Kay all night while we were watching t.v. The next day he had an attitude that Id never seen in a child before - massive mood swings, totally misbehaving, not listening to a word his mother said and saying terrible things to me whenever Kay was not in the room

I did the only thing I could think of and left, hoping he would calm down. I’m a very understanding person and realise that its a big change in his life and that it’s a hard thing for him to comprehend but it was too much for me

I spoke to Kay during that week and she told me that she talked to him and she said that he didn’t have a problem with me, which I didn’t understand given his attitude towards me. She said she wanted to spend some time together that weekend and I asked her would she be sending him to her mothers but she said she didn’t want to so I said id go to her place

That weekend he was worse than the week before, misbehaving none stop, very demanding and I was totally stressed from the whole thing on the Saturday night, the next day he was just as bad, he started hitting me and throwing things at me and told me that he was the man of the house, I couldn’t stick it and wanted to leave but Kay asked me to stay and sent him to her sisters and said she would have a word with him
He rang her after a while to apologise and when he came back he apologised to me and was reasonably well behaved the rest of the time I was there

This Saturday I had arranged to met Kay again and met her with her son in a fast-food restaurant, he had the same attitude again and I just had to leave, I could not stick another weekend of it again , I said goodbye and left and yesterday text Kay, she responded by telling me that she was not talking to me for the way I behaved on Saturday and we haven’t had contact since


I honestly don’t know what to do now. I want to spend time with Kay and see her as much as I can but the thought of having to put up with the way her child behaves makes my stomach churn, I’m pissed off with her reaction this weekend that she cant see why left when I did, she’s clearly seeing this with rose tinted glasses and that her son is perfect and she has clearly spoiled him over the years, she’s even said that I have no patience with him I’m thinking if he’s this bad now what’s he going to be like in a few years?

I really like Kay and get on very well with all of her family and all of her aunts, uncles and cousins, her mother treats me like her son and everything is going perfect other than this problem. I’ve talked to her sister, brother and mother about this and even though they haven’t said it you can tell they know he’s a very troublesome child, all they say is that they hope we can work it out because they think we are perfect for each other, I think that from talking to them Kay is very headstrong about her child and they cant say a word bad about him to her. I think If I told her all the things that he has said to me like how he is the man of the house she would not believe me or make up some excuse like he doesn’t mean it, in fact all she does it make excuses for him

I think her son is behaving like this because he thinks he can get rid of me and things can go back to the way they were before I came on the scene

Thanks for reading this if you got through it all, I know its very long but I had to get it all out so you could understand the full situation

I would really appreciate any advice you can give me on this no matter how little because I honestly don’t know what to do about it, I think if I talk to her about it she will fly off the handle and wont see it from my point of view and finish things

LegacyUser

Her son will always be No.1 in her life (and rightly so), however it is up to her to make space and accommodate both him and you (OP).

You, as an adult, and supposedly boyfriend of this woman, can expect to be treated as an adult, by both the woman and her son.

Failure to get the respect you deserve from both of them and you should leave.

Suzyq

I think that if she means that much to you, you need to give it more than 3 weekends with the kid. I would imagine that it is as difficult for him seeing you in her life as these weekends have been for you and it's probably going to take a while for him to accept you.

Is there a middle ground where you can meet to hang out, say a kick about in the park or a game of rounders etc where he can run off a bit of the anxiety and get used to you being around?

I think that staying in the house the first night you met him was a bit thoughtless was probably viewed as something of a 'throwing down the gauntlet' by him.

gmac102

he is a child not an adult, he is being put out of sorts if he is not used to men in his mothers life.

try be patient with him and remember he is a child who is used to having his mother all to himself.

god knows what he is thinking, he is clearly insecure by the way he is acting.


you say she is good etc etc at the start of ur post yet towards the end you presume she will fly of the handle if u tell her how her son behaves, i have a 9 year old if he acted like this towards any man i dated i would not fly of the handle. you need to give her more credit than you are.

how can she solve the problem if she doesnt know it exists??


p.s remember hes a child at the end of the day

ManOfMystery

You are an adult. He is a child.

Whilst you have the capacity to read situations and guage them, and with the benefit of experience/hindsight you may even know where a relationship and situation is going .................... he doesn't.

I presume from your post that he and his mother live alone. That in effect makes him the man of the house, and the no1 guy in his mother's life. You appearing on the scene threatens his position, and as he's not yet old enough or experienced enough to know any better, he is lashing out defensively.

I agree with the poster above - you really need to remember that you're the grownup here, and he needs a lot more time to adapt to things than you. Giving up after 3 weekends is a cop-out to be honest. He needs reassurance that you're not there to replace him, or to change the relationship between him and his mother - you're there because you like her and want to get to know her better. And rather than fighting over her, explain to him how things could be much better for everyone if you all worked together to make her (and each other) happy. He's a kid remember - he doesn't intuitively know how these things will develop, or what will happen to him as a result of the situation.

ash23

I think you were wrong to leave after his tantrum. And that's what it is, a tantrum. You've only met him 3 times, he has to get used to you and get used to the idea of his mother being with someone else.
Also, I think it was a bad move for you to stay after just being introduced to him.

I don't think she's seeing this through rose tinted glasses at all. She is dealing with his behaviour, reprimanding him and getting him to apologise. She is doing all she can. What else do you expect her to do? Kick him out every time you're over? Keep the two of you apart indefinitely?
If you want to make this work with her, you will have to work at it and work at building a relationship with the child.
If she weren't reprimanding him for his behaviour or making him apologise, that would be a different thing. But she is trying. He is her son. She will never be able to choose you over him. It's not an option. It's her and him or nothing at all.
He is being a little sh1t but at the same time, it's been her and him for however long and suddenly there's another man in the house. One who is sleeping with his mother. He's bound to feel out of sorts about it.
Also, this may have been building if she was sending him away so much to spend time with you.
I'm a single parent and I know my daughter doesn't like it if she spends too many weekends away from me.

I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour but I wouldn't give up on him either. Keep trying. He'll just need to get used to the idea. And if you run away every time he acts up he'll keep acting up to get you to leave.
It does sound like you've no patience with kids and as someone who has a child, that would ring alarm bells with me as a trait in a potential partner.

fungun

Just reading the post, the one thing that jumps out at me was your reaction to the childs misbehaviour - you left. Or another time the child left. This creates an atmosphere of 'its him or me'. And if it comes to a 'its him or me' she will pick her son no matter how she feels about you.

People who are not parents are not used to dealing with misbehaving kids. Its an adjustment, its a headmelter and non-parents are often shocked at how they see other kids misbehaving and think 'my kids would never be like that'. But you need to do this. You need to stay there when he is misbehaving and see it through - demonstrating your commitment to them both. And remember from his point of view, he was happy - you are a new 'intruder' who has destabilised the norm for him - its natural for him to be like this; you will have to be patient.

LittleBook

goingunreg wrote: »

I think her son is behaving like this because he thinks he can get rid of me and things can go back to the way they were before I came on the scene

Of course he is, but you're saying it like he has some sort of evil plan

Sorry OP but the problem is you and Kay. You guys haven't handled this too well so far.

It's been the boy and his mother, just the two of them, for a long time (how long?) and you went from him never having met you (or possibly any of his mother's boyfriends) to sleeping in "his" house on the same night, I think that's too much.

If you want to be with Kay, you need to develop a relationship with her son, who could one day be your stepson. You need to earn his trust and let him know that he's not being replaced. Spend time with him and make it about him, not about the three of you. You need to arrange it over the coming weeks so you can spend time with Kay and separately time with the three of you together.

Kay's problem seems to be that she's letting him run amok rather than disciplining him at a time when she possibly feels he has enough on his plate getting used to this new situation. This won't work either. You need to talk to her about what he's been saying and the hitting part, as much for the child's sake as for yours and Kates.

Finally, from experience I know that a harsh word from a kid that you want to like you can really hurt. You need to remember to not take it personally, this is about him and what's going on inside his tiny mind, not about you. Once you start to see this, it will be a lot less stressful being with him, stress which he can completely pick up on by the way.

ElleEm

goingunreg wrote: »

I think her son is behaving like this because he thinks he can get rid of me and things can go back to the way they were before I came on the scene

Of course he is!!! He is pushing you away, and you are taking it.
He is testing the boundaries and it's working.

You need to be stronger in this situation.

You are saying that you know this is a big change in his life but you don't seem to understand HOW big a change this is for him. He is proably petrified that you will take his mother away.

He needs to see consistency from you. Stay around when he misbehaves, and if he does something directly to you, tell him to stop.

"Kay" will be more concerned with the welfare of son than you, so be sensitive when you're discussing his behaviour with her.

KnocKnocKnock

I think you've both gone about this completely the wrong way. I think going from having never met him to staying for three weekends a month was way too intense. IMO you should have started by meeting with the two of them for a couple of hours at a time and gradually built it up.

He's only 11 and doesn't have the skills to deal with this kind of change and get it off his chest in the right way yet. I don't condone hitting you and throwing things, but I can imagine how out of sorts and angry he feels, especially if when you and her son have a fight, she send him away and you now spend so much time there. In his mind it probably does seem like she is putting you first. He probably picks up on your attitude as well and it turns him against you even more.

You seem angry that he was calling his mam when you were watching tv and telling you he was the man of the house, but these things are so typically "childish". I think you should have immediately turned around and told him you're not there to replace him.

You also need to stop running away every time he's difficult. Show him you're there for the long haul no matter what he does, but you are not a threat to him.

OS119

KnocKnocKnock wrote: »

I think you've both gone about this completely the wrong way. I think going from having never met him to staying for three weekends a month was way too intense. IMO you should have started by meeting with the two of them for a couple of hours at a time and gradually built it up....

i agree entirely.

OP, i'm sorry, but i think the situation - even if you were to start again with short periods of exposure, day trips, meals etc - is no longer recoverable.

the idiot decision by 'Kay' to introduce you in this way has hurt this boy appallingly, and your understandable discomfort when he's played up means that, imv, you can never gail credibility with him because he doesn't want you to regain credibility.

he's hostile to the pair of you, and knows you can be made to go away if he pushes the right buttons.

have a chat with 'Kay', let her know why you think (know) its all gone tits up, and walk away - for the boys sake as much as yours.

Wompa1

What I took from this is you don't want to deal with this and maybe you should end the relationship if you don't have the stomach for it

Stench Blossoms

Wompa1 wrote: »

What I took from this is you don't want to deal with this and maybe you should end the relationship if you don't have the stomach for it

Agree with Wompa here.

You walked out. That's a clear indication to me that you don't to be in the relatonship.

Well, I'm pretty sure you were happy with your relationship before the kid was introduced.

The kid sounds like a brat, and maybe he is but if you want a relationship with Kay you'll have to learn how to tolerate the kid which doesn't seem like something your willing to do.

dafunk

My suggestion would be to spend some time with the kid alone. Offer to take him out to a game or the cinema or the circus or whatever. Hang out, spend time with him and use the opportunity to have a chat with him, explain to him that you like spending time with his mum, that you're not trying to get in the way of him and his mum or trying to replace his dad and that you want to be friends with him. Ask him would he be willing to be friends with you. If you treat him like an individual maybe he'll surprise you by being more mature about the situation. He probably feels like he's bein pushed aside everytime you're around.

Distorted

goingunreg wrote: »

The trouble started when I stayed at their house that night, he would not go to sleep and kept on calling Kay all night while we were watching t.v. The next day he had an attitude that Id never seen in a child before - massive mood swings, totally misbehaving, not listening to a word his mother said and saying terrible things to me whenever Kay was not in the room

I'm not expert on children but it would be my guess you totally overloaded him by meeting him for the first time and then staying the night in his home. He will be aware his daddy has left home and probably feels insecure from that, now all he will see is that a stranger is moving in and threatning the only security he has known and he is reacting in the only way he knows to protect himself and perhaps also his mother.

Can you not re-introduce yourself more gradually and stop the nights at his mum's place for the time being? Use a babysitter if necessary.

True, he might just be a brat - Kay sounds pretty ineffectual if she can't work out that introducing a new man and having him spend the night all in one go in front of her 11 year old son might upsetting for him and cannot arrange it better, but he is also a young child who is probably very insecure and worried.

Stench Blossoms

dafunk wrote: »

My suggestion would be to spend some time with the kid alone. Offer to take him out to a game or the cinema or the circus or whatever. Hang out, spend time with him and use the opportunity to have a chat with him, explain to him that you like spending time with his mum, that you're not trying to get in the way of him and his mum or trying to replace his dad and that you want to be friends with him. Ask him would he be willing to be friends with you. If you treat him like an individual maybe he'll surprise you by being more mature about the situation. He probably feels like he's bein pushed aside everytime you're around.

I would be very against this.

What if the child acted out and started screaming etc while he was alone with him?

How would the OP deal with this? By ringing Kay and telling her to come get the kid?

ash23

I also don't think it's a good idea for the OP to spend time alone with the child just yet.

OP, ye need to go back to the start and try this again.
The mother needs to sit him down and explain what role you have in her life, and that he will not be replaced or pushed aside, that she loves him but that she also cares about you and that she hopes you two can get along. She should ask him to give you a chance.
Then you should go over for an hour or two. If he kicks off, stick it out. Don't be too touchy feely with the mother or too in his space. It's important to have some boundaries until he gets used to you.
Then go home and let her have a talk to him, either praising his good behaviour or admonishing his bad. He should be expected to apologise to you if he was rude. If he was just moody and sullen, well, ignore it. He's a boy coming into puberty. odds are he will be moody and sullen for a few years and that's no reflection on you.

Build up the visits, a few hours here and there. Make sure the mother spends one on one time with him also, so he doesn't feel left out or pushed aside.
As you get to know him, perhaps you will be able to find a common ground and something to build on.

Of course it's possible things won't get better and the child and you will never get along in which case the relationship is doomed. However, it'll take more than 3 attempts and if you really want a relationship with her, you'll need to work at it.

Seems to me like this all happened a bit too quickly.
Weekends are quality time for parents and their kids (hopefully) and you have 'intruded' on this time 3 weekends running. Why not go over once every 3 weeks? And would it hurt to leave early the next morning?
Also, you are training this kid to misbehave. He doesn't want to share his Mum so he throws a tantrum and it works, you leave. Why wouldn't he do it next time he feels threatened?
You guys made some mistakes. I think you need to sit down with Kaye and work out what you did wrong, what you can learn and where you go from here.

I am a friend

goingunreg wrote: »

I’ve talked to her sister, brother and mother about this

If I were Kay, I would go nuts if you spoke to my family about this - that was well out of order no matter how well you get on with them....

Looks like she knows what she wants and as you can eliminate her son from the whole picture, it looks like you dont have much choice....

tbh

goingunreg wrote: »

I think her son is behaving like this because he thinks he can get rid of me and things can go back to the way they were before I came on the scene

goingunreg wrote: »

I just had to leave, I could not stick another weekend of it again , I said goodbye and left

sounds like a clever chap this boy!

SEriously - as all the others have said. If the mum is worth it to you, then stick it out. You remember what it's like to be 11. Once he discovers he can't beat you, intimidate you or drive you away, he'll accomodate you. It's not his job to make it easy for you, it's your job to put up with the hard bit.

Amazotheamazing

I know it's considered mature to be non-confrontational but what has you walking away actually achieved for anyone in this?

1) You miss Kay
2) Kay is annoyed with you
3) Kid learns that throwing tantrums gets results

Yourself and Kay moved too fast but the damage is done in this regard. You need to decide if you want to rescue the situation and if so, how you can do it.

If you're going to rescue things you have to go slower. Spend a few hours with them, let him to get know you etc.

Btw, it's a fairly lousy lesson for Kay that the guy she trusts enough to bring home to meet her son effectively walks away from them. I hope you can see how incredibly hurtful that is. In some ways, your walking away is no more mature than the 11 year old throwing a tantrum. Neither of ye is really dealing with how they feel but at least an 11 year old has an excuse.

curlzy

Right, I know I'm going to absolutely shouted down on this...but.... that kid sounds like a spoiled little brat and his mother sounds like she's too busy defending him to teach him manners. I honestly think this "oh poor little boy, doesn't have a daddy" bleeding heart claptrap actually does children a great disservice, it gives them an overinflated sense of entitlement and they turns into bloody monsters. Remember there are tonnes of kids around from single parents that don't go on the way that child is. To me it points to an overindulgent mother letting him behave like a scumbag. To me anyway, children need to have respect for adults, every adult, and doing what he did is very very disrespectful. The fact she doesn't seem to want to deal with it would make me walk away from this one. There's plenty more girls out there, some with no children and some with well mannered children, maybe you'll meet one of them.

Firetrap

Hindsight is a great thing but what the hell were you thinking when you decided to stay the night when you met him first? The kid needs time to come to terms with the fact that he's going to have to share his mum with someone else. The last thing he needed was this strange man showing up, encroaching on his and his mum's territory and then going upstairs to share a bed with her. That's an awful lot for any kid of that age to take in.

If you are to continue in a relationship with Kay, you will need to take things more slowly. No overnight stays in the immediate future but ease yourself into things slowly. He has done a good job of scaring you off so he needs to learn that you're not going anywhere. So continue to see him and his mum regularly but not in an in-your face basis or hog all their time.

Elle Collins

Her kid's a brat. Steer clear.

ash23

This child has probably been through a fair amount of emotional upheaval. That comes with the territory when parents separate. Some kids handle it better than others.
This child has already dealt with the separation of his parents and going back and forth between his dad and mum. He has also probably become protective of his mother (I know my daughter is very protective of me) and this child has in the last few months been sent from A to B to facilitate his mothers new relationship and was unaware of why. And now that he has found out the man who is a total stranger to him is sleeping in his mothers bed. And at 10 I'm sure he knows about sex or at least has an idea of what goes on when 2 adults go to bed together.And then every weekend he has with his mother is encroached on by this man.

It seems like a huge amount for such a small person to digest and process and deal with and imo the mother has handled this terribly and it's no wonder the end result was this situation.

All children need reassurance that they are number one to their parents. Even kids from two parent homes. This child is now being shoved aside to make room for OP in his own mind and he wants his mother back.

I don't think at 10 I would have been overly happy about some bloke coming round to have sex with my mam. I might not have been rude to him but I sure as hell would have acted up in some way.

The child is jealous, pure and simple. And whether it's a new sibling, a new boyfriend, a new cousin or whatever, reassurance is the only way to placate him. Reassurance that he is still a priority. And thats not being spoiled, it's simply a basic need that most children crave.

LegacyUser

Have been in this situation before so want to help.

Was in a relationship with a lady who had a 12 year old daughter. From the word go I got on with the little girl and we made a special effort to let things happen gradually. For example the night I met her first (let's call her Jane) we had pizza together and I didn't stay overnight, I left at midnight and the following day when Jane got up it was just her & her mum.

I also did not stay in the house with them at all for 3 months. Once I had my christmas party & stayed in the spare room unbeknowns to Jane. It would be too much of a shock to her if it happened too soon.

Eventually when I did stay, boundaries were discussed. Her Mum, me & Jane sat down and asked what her thoughts would be on me staying. Thankfully she had no problem with it. Myself & Jane's mum discussed things like if she came into the bedroom to us the following day. I agreed to always wear a t-shirt and leave as little of me exposed as possible, out of pure manners to the child.

Finally, whenever Jane spoke about her Dad, I never asked for information and listened to her happy stories about him. She'd say things like 'Daddy hurt his knee playing soccer, he's really strong and this other player hit him with a bad tackle'. I always made sure she was secure knowing her dad is the number one man in her life and I am somewhere after that.

It's very important to let things happen over a period of time and naturally. When Jane and her mum argued, if I said anything it was in front of both. I never spoke to Jane on her own as it would create a good cop bad cop scenario. I'd explain by saying 'your mum wants to do this because ....' and the three of us would thrash it out.

And finally - arguing in front of her was a complete no-no. Now the relationship didn't last, but I'd like to think I did my best for Jane in the time I was in her life and I hope she has fond memories of me. Every situation is different but if you talk to the child's mother it's a good start. Don't be afraid to say what you think but at the same time, don't disagree with the child's mum in front of the child.

It's complicated, but patience really is the key here.

Good luck.

ash23

sunflower27 wrote: »

I don't know the mother or kid, but as someone whose parents divocred when I was 4, I do know that I adapted to the situation. I get the impression this kid may be spoilt rotten (just a hunch) as I would not have been allowed to carry on as he is. And I know kids throw things but that to me is more something a toddler does, maybe up to 8 or something?

Where has it been said he child has been pushed aside? It doesn't sound as if he is being marched off to his grandparents for the weekend.

Yes, his mother has a man in her life. Unless the child is not allowed to watch TV/movies/integrate in society, at 11 he knows a mum having a boyfriend is not that strange.

In the OP he says that the family took the child whenever the mam and him wanted to spend time together. He also asked would the child be going elsewhere the second weekend after he met the child. Prior to him meeting the child, the boy was being sent off whenever the mother wanted to see the OP.

I'd also like to point out in the mothers defence, the OP hasnt' told her about the child throwing things. She knows he was moody and sullen, but she doesn't know anything about the things the child said or did as she wasn't in the room at the time the first time.
When he was moody and sullen and rude the next time, she sent him off to cool down and demanded an apology from him.

How exactly is she meant to deal with this when the OP has decided he won't be telling her because he thinks he knows what the reaction will be.

He's making a lot of assumptions about the mother without allowing her the chance to deal with the issue. As far as she is aware the child is being moody and the OP keeps storming off or looking to storm off.

OP has said himself all was fine until he stayed the night.

catch me if you can

you shouldnt have walked out at the fast food resteraunt. All that shows is that your not step dad material (and lets face it that is where you are headed if you stay with her). and any mam worth her title! would not bother with you.
if she cant depend on you to stand your ground then it can go nowhere.
anyway staying over the very first night you met him was unfair. you should have went over a few weeks before you did that.
You have to put in time, serious time with stepkids. they have feelings.
now he may be a brat too, but if you like the mam and see a future you have got to persevere.
my advice is if you think this lady is the one. Apologise. and start spending time with the kid without walking out on him. your the adult turn the other cheek.
he will come around in time. but it takes time!
also she sounds like a really good mother, you should see this as a defo plus if your planning kids in your future.

Lollipops23

sunflower27 wrote: »

I know we aren't going to agree ash23, and I know you have far, far more experience than I do in matters regarding children, but I am struggling to feel the sympathy for this 'poor child' that others do.

You hit the nail on the head sunflower27- the kid is a child,but he's certainly old enough to know how to act around people. At 11 he is not a baby and knows what he can and can't get away with. The mere fact that he is acting the way he is would indicate that he may have been let rule the roost from Day 1 with his mum.

I was 6 when my step parents came on the scene, and while I certainly took my time getting used to it (especially since I'd had my mam to myself for a while) I would never have dreamed of acting like that in front of them as my parents wouldn't allow it in front of anyone ever! At 11 he should know better.

Justask

Kid is 11 dont know how long mum has been single for but its been just him and her for whatever time.

Staying the first night you met him is a massive mistake on both your parts specially the mum she should have known better.

11 year old boy = ragging hormones :rolleyes:

If things work out for you both you need to know you will NEVER EVER be her No.1.

Best of luck

fungun

Enough of the high and mighty brigade going on about kids shouldnt be like this please. Just because you were not like this at 11 doesnt mean anything....and as anyone who has kids of about that age will know, there is a massive distribution in maturity levels at that age from 'still kiddies' to 'pre-teens'. We do not know enough about the background of the situation to judge the child's behaviour or the mother.

OP its a difficult situation. Resolving it is going to require patience and sacrifice. You are the one with the maturity to know the long term goal here. If you think its worth it, then start again with the kid....take it slowly, try not to make yourself a threat and try to avoid situations where its 'him or you'. It will be difficult for you all, but if she is worth it, then give it a shot!