My Girlfriends Son (sorry its a long one)

LegacyUser

All the regs know me here and I wish I could say who it is but I’m going unreg for this just in case my girlfriend sees it or it gets back to her, anyway now I’m looking for some much needed advice on the situation I’m in


Cant give too much information on the subject because my girlfriend is a member of boards as well but here is some of the background, going to call her Kay

I meet key about 8 months ago and from the second we met we hit it off, she’s like no other girl I’ve met before, always in a good mood, very caring, down to earth, basically no BS out of her. Our relationship moved very fast and before long it was obvious to both of us that we were right for each other and I could see a future with her

Not long into the relationship she told me she had a child, an 11 year old boy, I saw no problem with this as I knew my feelings for her and something like that didn’t bother me, Id never been in a relationship with someone who had a child before but I’m used to looking after my nieces, nephews and cousins so I didn’t see it as a problem even though I knew this would be a completely new for me

I didn’t realise how difficult it would be

Only recently I met her son for the first time, She didn’t want to have such a big change in his life until she was sure I liked her as much as she liked me and that we were going somewhere with our relationship and I put it off myself because it was the easy option
Her family are very accommodating and looked after him anytime we wanted to be together and he wasn’t with his father

I finally met him about a month ago and made an extra special effort the first day we were together to have a smooth start and get off on the right foot, the three of us did things together that I knew he would like and we got on well. The trouble started when I stayed at their house that night, he would not go to sleep and kept on calling Kay all night while we were watching t.v. The next day he had an attitude that Id never seen in a child before - massive mood swings, totally misbehaving, not listening to a word his mother said and saying terrible things to me whenever Kay was not in the room

I did the only thing I could think of and left, hoping he would calm down. I’m a very understanding person and realise that its a big change in his life and that it’s a hard thing for him to comprehend but it was too much for me

I spoke to Kay during that week and she told me that she talked to him and she said that he didn’t have a problem with me, which I didn’t understand given his attitude towards me. She said she wanted to spend some time together that weekend and I asked her would she be sending him to her mothers but she said she didn’t want to so I said id go to her place

That weekend he was worse than the week before, misbehaving none stop, very demanding and I was totally stressed from the whole thing on the Saturday night, the next day he was just as bad, he started hitting me and throwing things at me and told me that he was the man of the house, I couldn’t stick it and wanted to leave but Kay asked me to stay and sent him to her sisters and said she would have a word with him
He rang her after a while to apologise and when he came back he apologised to me and was reasonably well behaved the rest of the time I was there

This Saturday I had arranged to met Kay again and met her with her son in a fast-food restaurant, he had the same attitude again and I just had to leave, I could not stick another weekend of it again , I said goodbye and left and yesterday text Kay, she responded by telling me that she was not talking to me for the way I behaved on Saturday and we haven’t had contact since


I honestly don’t know what to do now. I want to spend time with Kay and see her as much as I can but the thought of having to put up with the way her child behaves makes my stomach churn, I’m pissed off with her reaction this weekend that she cant see why left when I did, she’s clearly seeing this with rose tinted glasses and that her son is perfect and she has clearly spoiled him over the years, she’s even said that I have no patience with him I’m thinking if he’s this bad now what’s he going to be like in a few years?

I really like Kay and get on very well with all of her family and all of her aunts, uncles and cousins, her mother treats me like her son and everything is going perfect other than this problem. I’ve talked to her sister, brother and mother about this and even though they haven’t said it you can tell they know he’s a very troublesome child, all they say is that they hope we can work it out because they think we are perfect for each other, I think that from talking to them Kay is very headstrong about her child and they cant say a word bad about him to her. I think If I told her all the things that he has said to me like how he is the man of the house she would not believe me or make up some excuse like he doesn’t mean it, in fact all she does it make excuses for him

I think her son is behaving like this because he thinks he can get rid of me and things can go back to the way they were before I came on the scene

Thanks for reading this if you got through it all, I know its very long but I had to get it all out so you could understand the full situation

I would really appreciate any advice you can give me on this no matter how little because I honestly don’t know what to do about it, I think if I talk to her about it she will fly off the handle and wont see it from my point of view and finish things

LegacyUser

Her son will always be No.1 in her life (and rightly so), however it is up to her to make space and accommodate both him and you (OP).

You, as an adult, and supposedly boyfriend of this woman, can expect to be treated as an adult, by both the woman and her son.

Failure to get the respect you deserve from both of them and you should leave.

Suzyq

I think that if she means that much to you, you need to give it more than 3 weekends with the kid. I would imagine that it is as difficult for him seeing you in her life as these weekends have been for you and it's probably going to take a while for him to accept you.

Is there a middle ground where you can meet to hang out, say a kick about in the park or a game of rounders etc where he can run off a bit of the anxiety and get used to you being around?

I think that staying in the house the first night you met him was a bit thoughtless was probably viewed as something of a 'throwing down the gauntlet' by him.

gmac102

he is a child not an adult, he is being put out of sorts if he is not used to men in his mothers life.

try be patient with him and remember he is a child who is used to having his mother all to himself.

god knows what he is thinking, he is clearly insecure by the way he is acting.


you say she is good etc etc at the start of ur post yet towards the end you presume she will fly of the handle if u tell her how her son behaves, i have a 9 year old if he acted like this towards any man i dated i would not fly of the handle. you need to give her more credit than you are.

how can she solve the problem if she doesnt know it exists??


p.s remember hes a child at the end of the day

ManOfMystery

You are an adult. He is a child.

Whilst you have the capacity to read situations and guage them, and with the benefit of experience/hindsight you may even know where a relationship and situation is going .................... he doesn't.

I presume from your post that he and his mother live alone. That in effect makes him the man of the house, and the no1 guy in his mother's life. You appearing on the scene threatens his position, and as he's not yet old enough or experienced enough to know any better, he is lashing out defensively.

I agree with the poster above - you really need to remember that you're the grownup here, and he needs a lot more time to adapt to things than you. Giving up after 3 weekends is a cop-out to be honest. He needs reassurance that you're not there to replace him, or to change the relationship between him and his mother - you're there because you like her and want to get to know her better. And rather than fighting over her, explain to him how things could be much better for everyone if you all worked together to make her (and each other) happy. He's a kid remember - he doesn't intuitively know how these things will develop, or what will happen to him as a result of the situation.

ash23

I think you were wrong to leave after his tantrum. And that's what it is, a tantrum. You've only met him 3 times, he has to get used to you and get used to the idea of his mother being with someone else.
Also, I think it was a bad move for you to stay after just being introduced to him.

I don't think she's seeing this through rose tinted glasses at all. She is dealing with his behaviour, reprimanding him and getting him to apologise. She is doing all she can. What else do you expect her to do? Kick him out every time you're over? Keep the two of you apart indefinitely?
If you want to make this work with her, you will have to work at it and work at building a relationship with the child.
If she weren't reprimanding him for his behaviour or making him apologise, that would be a different thing. But she is trying. He is her son. She will never be able to choose you over him. It's not an option. It's her and him or nothing at all.
He is being a little sh1t but at the same time, it's been her and him for however long and suddenly there's another man in the house. One who is sleeping with his mother. He's bound to feel out of sorts about it.
Also, this may have been building if she was sending him away so much to spend time with you.
I'm a single parent and I know my daughter doesn't like it if she spends too many weekends away from me.

I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour but I wouldn't give up on him either. Keep trying. He'll just need to get used to the idea. And if you run away every time he acts up he'll keep acting up to get you to leave.
It does sound like you've no patience with kids and as someone who has a child, that would ring alarm bells with me as a trait in a potential partner.

fungun

Just reading the post, the one thing that jumps out at me was your reaction to the childs misbehaviour - you left. Or another time the child left. This creates an atmosphere of 'its him or me'. And if it comes to a 'its him or me' she will pick her son no matter how she feels about you.

People who are not parents are not used to dealing with misbehaving kids. Its an adjustment, its a headmelter and non-parents are often shocked at how they see other kids misbehaving and think 'my kids would never be like that'. But you need to do this. You need to stay there when he is misbehaving and see it through - demonstrating your commitment to them both. And remember from his point of view, he was happy - you are a new 'intruder' who has destabilised the norm for him - its natural for him to be like this; you will have to be patient.

LittleBook

goingunreg wrote: »

I think her son is behaving like this because he thinks he can get rid of me and things can go back to the way they were before I came on the scene

Of course he is, but you're saying it like he has some sort of evil plan

Sorry OP but the problem is you and Kay. You guys haven't handled this too well so far.

It's been the boy and his mother, just the two of them, for a long time (how long?) and you went from him never having met you (or possibly any of his mother's boyfriends) to sleeping in "his" house on the same night, I think that's too much.

If you want to be with Kay, you need to develop a relationship with her son, who could one day be your stepson. You need to earn his trust and let him know that he's not being replaced. Spend time with him and make it about him, not about the three of you. You need to arrange it over the coming weeks so you can spend time with Kay and separately time with the three of you together.

Kay's problem seems to be that she's letting him run amok rather than disciplining him at a time when she possibly feels he has enough on his plate getting used to this new situation. This won't work either. You need to talk to her about what he's been saying and the hitting part, as much for the child's sake as for yours and Kates.

Finally, from experience I know that a harsh word from a kid that you want to like you can really hurt. You need to remember to not take it personally, this is about him and what's going on inside his tiny mind, not about you. Once you start to see this, it will be a lot less stressful being with him, stress which he can completely pick up on by the way.

ElleEm

goingunreg wrote: »

I think her son is behaving like this because he thinks he can get rid of me and things can go back to the way they were before I came on the scene

Of course he is!!! He is pushing you away, and you are taking it.
He is testing the boundaries and it's working.

You need to be stronger in this situation.

You are saying that you know this is a big change in his life but you don't seem to understand HOW big a change this is for him. He is proably petrified that you will take his mother away.

He needs to see consistency from you. Stay around when he misbehaves, and if he does something directly to you, tell him to stop.

"Kay" will be more concerned with the welfare of son than you, so be sensitive when you're discussing his behaviour with her.

KnocKnocKnock

I think you've both gone about this completely the wrong way. I think going from having never met him to staying for three weekends a month was way too intense. IMO you should have started by meeting with the two of them for a couple of hours at a time and gradually built it up.

He's only 11 and doesn't have the skills to deal with this kind of change and get it off his chest in the right way yet. I don't condone hitting you and throwing things, but I can imagine how out of sorts and angry he feels, especially if when you and her son have a fight, she send him away and you now spend so much time there. In his mind it probably does seem like she is putting you first. He probably picks up on your attitude as well and it turns him against you even more.

You seem angry that he was calling his mam when you were watching tv and telling you he was the man of the house, but these things are so typically "childish". I think you should have immediately turned around and told him you're not there to replace him.

You also need to stop running away every time he's difficult. Show him you're there for the long haul no matter what he does, but you are not a threat to him.

OS119

KnocKnocKnock wrote: »

I think you've both gone about this completely the wrong way. I think going from having never met him to staying for three weekends a month was way too intense. IMO you should have started by meeting with the two of them for a couple of hours at a time and gradually built it up....

i agree entirely.

OP, i'm sorry, but i think the situation - even if you were to start again with short periods of exposure, day trips, meals etc - is no longer recoverable.

the idiot decision by 'Kay' to introduce you in this way has hurt this boy appallingly, and your understandable discomfort when he's played up means that, imv, you can never gail credibility with him because he doesn't want you to regain credibility.

he's hostile to the pair of you, and knows you can be made to go away if he pushes the right buttons.

have a chat with 'Kay', let her know why you think (know) its all gone tits up, and walk away - for the boys sake as much as yours.

Wompa1

What I took from this is you don't want to deal with this and maybe you should end the relationship if you don't have the stomach for it

Stench Blossoms

Wompa1 wrote: »

What I took from this is you don't want to deal with this and maybe you should end the relationship if you don't have the stomach for it

Agree with Wompa here.

You walked out. That's a clear indication to me that you don't to be in the relatonship.

Well, I'm pretty sure you were happy with your relationship before the kid was introduced.

The kid sounds like a brat, and maybe he is but if you want a relationship with Kay you'll have to learn how to tolerate the kid which doesn't seem like something your willing to do.

dafunk

My suggestion would be to spend some time with the kid alone. Offer to take him out to a game or the cinema or the circus or whatever. Hang out, spend time with him and use the opportunity to have a chat with him, explain to him that you like spending time with his mum, that you're not trying to get in the way of him and his mum or trying to replace his dad and that you want to be friends with him. Ask him would he be willing to be friends with you. If you treat him like an individual maybe he'll surprise you by being more mature about the situation. He probably feels like he's bein pushed aside everytime you're around.

Distorted

goingunreg wrote: »

The trouble started when I stayed at their house that night, he would not go to sleep and kept on calling Kay all night while we were watching t.v. The next day he had an attitude that Id never seen in a child before - massive mood swings, totally misbehaving, not listening to a word his mother said and saying terrible things to me whenever Kay was not in the room

I'm not expert on children but it would be my guess you totally overloaded him by meeting him for the first time and then staying the night in his home. He will be aware his daddy has left home and probably feels insecure from that, now all he will see is that a stranger is moving in and threatning the only security he has known and he is reacting in the only way he knows to protect himself and perhaps also his mother.

Can you not re-introduce yourself more gradually and stop the nights at his mum's place for the time being? Use a babysitter if necessary.

True, he might just be a brat - Kay sounds pretty ineffectual if she can't work out that introducing a new man and having him spend the night all in one go in front of her 11 year old son might upsetting for him and cannot arrange it better, but he is also a young child who is probably very insecure and worried.

Stench Blossoms

dafunk wrote: »

My suggestion would be to spend some time with the kid alone. Offer to take him out to a game or the cinema or the circus or whatever. Hang out, spend time with him and use the opportunity to have a chat with him, explain to him that you like spending time with his mum, that you're not trying to get in the way of him and his mum or trying to replace his dad and that you want to be friends with him. Ask him would he be willing to be friends with you. If you treat him like an individual maybe he'll surprise you by being more mature about the situation. He probably feels like he's bein pushed aside everytime you're around.

I would be very against this.

What if the child acted out and started screaming etc while he was alone with him?

How would the OP deal with this? By ringing Kay and telling her to come get the kid?

ash23

I also don't think it's a good idea for the OP to spend time alone with the child just yet.

OP, ye need to go back to the start and try this again.
The mother needs to sit him down and explain what role you have in her life, and that he will not be replaced or pushed aside, that she loves him but that she also cares about you and that she hopes you two can get along. She should ask him to give you a chance.
Then you should go over for an hour or two. If he kicks off, stick it out. Don't be too touchy feely with the mother or too in his space. It's important to have some boundaries until he gets used to you.
Then go home and let her have a talk to him, either praising his good behaviour or admonishing his bad. He should be expected to apologise to you if he was rude. If he was just moody and sullen, well, ignore it. He's a boy coming into puberty. odds are he will be moody and sullen for a few years and that's no reflection on you.

Build up the visits, a few hours here and there. Make sure the mother spends one on one time with him also, so he doesn't feel left out or pushed aside.
As you get to know him, perhaps you will be able to find a common ground and something to build on.

Of course it's possible things won't get better and the child and you will never get along in which case the relationship is doomed. However, it'll take more than 3 attempts and if you really want a relationship with her, you'll need to work at it.

Seems to me like this all happened a bit too quickly.
Weekends are quality time for parents and their kids (hopefully) and you have 'intruded' on this time 3 weekends running. Why not go over once every 3 weeks? And would it hurt to leave early the next morning?
Also, you are training this kid to misbehave. He doesn't want to share his Mum so he throws a tantrum and it works, you leave. Why wouldn't he do it next time he feels threatened?
You guys made some mistakes. I think you need to sit down with Kaye and work out what you did wrong, what you can learn and where you go from here.

I am a friend

goingunreg wrote: »

I’ve talked to her sister, brother and mother about this

If I were Kay, I would go nuts if you spoke to my family about this - that was well out of order no matter how well you get on with them....

Looks like she knows what she wants and as you can eliminate her son from the whole picture, it looks like you dont have much choice....

tbh

goingunreg wrote: »

I think her son is behaving like this because he thinks he can get rid of me and things can go back to the way they were before I came on the scene

goingunreg wrote: »

I just had to leave, I could not stick another weekend of it again , I said goodbye and left

sounds like a clever chap this boy!

SEriously - as all the others have said. If the mum is worth it to you, then stick it out. You remember what it's like to be 11. Once he discovers he can't beat you, intimidate you or drive you away, he'll accomodate you. It's not his job to make it easy for you, it's your job to put up with the hard bit.

Amazotheamazing

I know it's considered mature to be non-confrontational but what has you walking away actually achieved for anyone in this?

1) You miss Kay
2) Kay is annoyed with you
3) Kid learns that throwing tantrums gets results

Yourself and Kay moved too fast but the damage is done in this regard. You need to decide if you want to rescue the situation and if so, how you can do it.

If you're going to rescue things you have to go slower. Spend a few hours with them, let him to get know you etc.

Btw, it's a fairly lousy lesson for Kay that the guy she trusts enough to bring home to meet her son effectively walks away from them. I hope you can see how incredibly hurtful that is. In some ways, your walking away is no more mature than the 11 year old throwing a tantrum. Neither of ye is really dealing with how they feel but at least an 11 year old has an excuse.

curlzy

Right, I know I'm going to absolutely shouted down on this...but.... that kid sounds like a spoiled little brat and his mother sounds like she's too busy defending him to teach him manners. I honestly think this "oh poor little boy, doesn't have a daddy" bleeding heart claptrap actually does children a great disservice, it gives them an overinflated sense of entitlement and they turns into bloody monsters. Remember there are tonnes of kids around from single parents that don't go on the way that child is. To me it points to an overindulgent mother letting him behave like a scumbag. To me anyway, children need to have respect for adults, every adult, and doing what he did is very very disrespectful. The fact she doesn't seem to want to deal with it would make me walk away from this one. There's plenty more girls out there, some with no children and some with well mannered children, maybe you'll meet one of them.

Firetrap

Hindsight is a great thing but what the hell were you thinking when you decided to stay the night when you met him first? The kid needs time to come to terms with the fact that he's going to have to share his mum with someone else. The last thing he needed was this strange man showing up, encroaching on his and his mum's territory and then going upstairs to share a bed with her. That's an awful lot for any kid of that age to take in.

If you are to continue in a relationship with Kay, you will need to take things more slowly. No overnight stays in the immediate future but ease yourself into things slowly. He has done a good job of scaring you off so he needs to learn that you're not going anywhere. So continue to see him and his mum regularly but not in an in-your face basis or hog all their time.

Elle Collins

Her kid's a brat. Steer clear.

ash23

This child has probably been through a fair amount of emotional upheaval. That comes with the territory when parents separate. Some kids handle it better than others.
This child has already dealt with the separation of his parents and going back and forth between his dad and mum. He has also probably become protective of his mother (I know my daughter is very protective of me) and this child has in the last few months been sent from A to B to facilitate his mothers new relationship and was unaware of why. And now that he has found out the man who is a total stranger to him is sleeping in his mothers bed. And at 10 I'm sure he knows about sex or at least has an idea of what goes on when 2 adults go to bed together.And then every weekend he has with his mother is encroached on by this man.

It seems like a huge amount for such a small person to digest and process and deal with and imo the mother has handled this terribly and it's no wonder the end result was this situation.

All children need reassurance that they are number one to their parents. Even kids from two parent homes. This child is now being shoved aside to make room for OP in his own mind and he wants his mother back.

I don't think at 10 I would have been overly happy about some bloke coming round to have sex with my mam. I might not have been rude to him but I sure as hell would have acted up in some way.

The child is jealous, pure and simple. And whether it's a new sibling, a new boyfriend, a new cousin or whatever, reassurance is the only way to placate him. Reassurance that he is still a priority. And thats not being spoiled, it's simply a basic need that most children crave.

LegacyUser

Have been in this situation before so want to help.

Was in a relationship with a lady who had a 12 year old daughter. From the word go I got on with the little girl and we made a special effort to let things happen gradually. For example the night I met her first (let's call her Jane) we had pizza together and I didn't stay overnight, I left at midnight and the following day when Jane got up it was just her & her mum.

I also did not stay in the house with them at all for 3 months. Once I had my christmas party & stayed in the spare room unbeknowns to Jane. It would be too much of a shock to her if it happened too soon.

Eventually when I did stay, boundaries were discussed. Her Mum, me & Jane sat down and asked what her thoughts would be on me staying. Thankfully she had no problem with it. Myself & Jane's mum discussed things like if she came into the bedroom to us the following day. I agreed to always wear a t-shirt and leave as little of me exposed as possible, out of pure manners to the child.

Finally, whenever Jane spoke about her Dad, I never asked for information and listened to her happy stories about him. She'd say things like 'Daddy hurt his knee playing soccer, he's really strong and this other player hit him with a bad tackle'. I always made sure she was secure knowing her dad is the number one man in her life and I am somewhere after that.

It's very important to let things happen over a period of time and naturally. When Jane and her mum argued, if I said anything it was in front of both. I never spoke to Jane on her own as it would create a good cop bad cop scenario. I'd explain by saying 'your mum wants to do this because ....' and the three of us would thrash it out.

And finally - arguing in front of her was a complete no-no. Now the relationship didn't last, but I'd like to think I did my best for Jane in the time I was in her life and I hope she has fond memories of me. Every situation is different but if you talk to the child's mother it's a good start. Don't be afraid to say what you think but at the same time, don't disagree with the child's mum in front of the child.

It's complicated, but patience really is the key here.

Good luck.

ash23

sunflower27 wrote: »

I don't know the mother or kid, but as someone whose parents divocred when I was 4, I do know that I adapted to the situation. I get the impression this kid may be spoilt rotten (just a hunch) as I would not have been allowed to carry on as he is. And I know kids throw things but that to me is more something a toddler does, maybe up to 8 or something?

Where has it been said he child has been pushed aside? It doesn't sound as if he is being marched off to his grandparents for the weekend.

Yes, his mother has a man in her life. Unless the child is not allowed to watch TV/movies/integrate in society, at 11 he knows a mum having a boyfriend is not that strange.

In the OP he says that the family took the child whenever the mam and him wanted to spend time together. He also asked would the child be going elsewhere the second weekend after he met the child. Prior to him meeting the child, the boy was being sent off whenever the mother wanted to see the OP.

I'd also like to point out in the mothers defence, the OP hasnt' told her about the child throwing things. She knows he was moody and sullen, but she doesn't know anything about the things the child said or did as she wasn't in the room at the time the first time.
When he was moody and sullen and rude the next time, she sent him off to cool down and demanded an apology from him.

How exactly is she meant to deal with this when the OP has decided he won't be telling her because he thinks he knows what the reaction will be.

He's making a lot of assumptions about the mother without allowing her the chance to deal with the issue. As far as she is aware the child is being moody and the OP keeps storming off or looking to storm off.

OP has said himself all was fine until he stayed the night.

catch me if you can

you shouldnt have walked out at the fast food resteraunt. All that shows is that your not step dad material (and lets face it that is where you are headed if you stay with her). and any mam worth her title! would not bother with you.
if she cant depend on you to stand your ground then it can go nowhere.
anyway staying over the very first night you met him was unfair. you should have went over a few weeks before you did that.
You have to put in time, serious time with stepkids. they have feelings.
now he may be a brat too, but if you like the mam and see a future you have got to persevere.
my advice is if you think this lady is the one. Apologise. and start spending time with the kid without walking out on him. your the adult turn the other cheek.
he will come around in time. but it takes time!
also she sounds like a really good mother, you should see this as a defo plus if your planning kids in your future.

Lollipops23

sunflower27 wrote: »

I know we aren't going to agree ash23, and I know you have far, far more experience than I do in matters regarding children, but I am struggling to feel the sympathy for this 'poor child' that others do.

You hit the nail on the head sunflower27- the kid is a child,but he's certainly old enough to know how to act around people. At 11 he is not a baby and knows what he can and can't get away with. The mere fact that he is acting the way he is would indicate that he may have been let rule the roost from Day 1 with his mum.

I was 6 when my step parents came on the scene, and while I certainly took my time getting used to it (especially since I'd had my mam to myself for a while) I would never have dreamed of acting like that in front of them as my parents wouldn't allow it in front of anyone ever! At 11 he should know better.

Justask

Kid is 11 dont know how long mum has been single for but its been just him and her for whatever time.

Staying the first night you met him is a massive mistake on both your parts specially the mum she should have known better.

11 year old boy = ragging hormones :rolleyes:

If things work out for you both you need to know you will NEVER EVER be her No.1.

Best of luck

fungun

Enough of the high and mighty brigade going on about kids shouldnt be like this please. Just because you were not like this at 11 doesnt mean anything....and as anyone who has kids of about that age will know, there is a massive distribution in maturity levels at that age from 'still kiddies' to 'pre-teens'. We do not know enough about the background of the situation to judge the child's behaviour or the mother.

OP its a difficult situation. Resolving it is going to require patience and sacrifice. You are the one with the maturity to know the long term goal here. If you think its worth it, then start again with the kid....take it slowly, try not to make yourself a threat and try to avoid situations where its 'him or you'. It will be difficult for you all, but if she is worth it, then give it a shot!

ash23

sunflower27 wrote: »

Er, we are all entitled to our opinions.

The kid is a brat, has probably been overindulged for years and is still ruling the roost it seems.

Good luck, OP.

You don't know that. It could be completely out of charachter for him. Only the OPs partner knows if this is a reaction to the new relationship or not which is why he needs to talk to her about it without telling her how to parent her child. It's a fine balancing act.
A friend of mine got married and her daughter was good as gold but in quick succession a wedding, a house move and a new sibling meant the child turned into a monster.

He can't tell her what to do with her child but he can help her with trying to establish the best way to handle the introductory period so that it won't jepordise their relationship.

Justask

sunflower27 wrote: »

Maybe it is out of character, maybe it isn't. Either way, it is appalling behaviour and needs to be properly addressed.

Can I just butt in here and say the OP is an adult and walked out! this to is appalling behaviour!!

Justask

sunflower27 wrote: »

So he was meant to sit there and take the abuse again knowing he obviously has no right to discipline the child so just had to take it?

If the child had decent manners no-one would have needed to walk anywhere.

I know he shouldn't have left as it means the child 'wins' but obviously it just got too much.

No I agree the child should have the manners to be brought into an enviorment where he is not happy and sit and bare it. i know ifmy son did this he would be severly punished but I would not expect an adult to get up and walk away like that.

But none of us were ther so its hard to know what the right thing to say. This IMO

But the OP was wrong to walk out IMO

Lollipops23

sunflower27 wrote: »

So he was meant to sit there and take the abuse again knowing he obviously has no right to discipline the child so just had to take it?

If the child had decent manners no-one would have needed to walk anywhere.

I know he shouldn't have left as it means the child 'wins' but obviously it just got too much.

Leaving quietly was a lot better than the alternative- ie sit there and take it til he snapped.

Taltos

All, can we please redirect our advice to either helping the OP in continuing a relationship with this woman and her child or not.
Debating among ourselves as to whether this child is spoilt or not or whether the OP should have endured a willful child or not will not really help the OP at this point.

Thanks
Taltos

KnocKnocKnock

sunflower27 wrote: »

So he was meant to sit there and take the abuse again knowing he obviously has no right to discipline the child so just had to take it?

If the child had decent manners no-one would have needed to walk anywhere.

I know he shouldn't have left as it means the child 'wins' but obviously it just got too much.

If the adults had any cop on no one would have had to go anywhere either. You're entitled to your opinion but I don't see how you can say that the child is "clearly a spoilt brat" because of this. You're seeing how the child reacted to this one situation, and having your parent meet someone is not an every day situation.

I also don't agree when you say the child should "just suck it up", I think the adults should have been more considerate of him and should have handled it a lot better.

You keep saying there's only so much the OP can take, well that can be said about an 11 year old too. He starts being sent to his relative when his mother wants to spend time with the OP, then he goes from having no contact with the OP to having him there for three full weekends in one month. When on one of these weekends, the son gets very difficult, the mother doesn't keep him with her and handle it herself, she packs him off to her sister and stays with the OP, I imagine that looks pretty much like the OP is her priority to an eleven year old. On the second weekend, the OP asked her if the son was staying elsewhere, I'm sure this attitude of wishing he was somewhere else filters through to the son.

An adult knows they'll be ok if someone leaves them, they know they can can get through alone, they can take a step back and look at all the solutions without panicking, they have great empathy and can understand complex relationships and different points of view. An eleven year old would be a lot less capable of any of this.

I'm not saying it's ok for the son to hit or throw things at the OP but I think you're being too harsh

Sorry just saw the Mod Note

Taltos

We are all entitled to our own opinions - and based on the information provided we could all be right to varying degrees and probably are.

Further discussions not directly helping the OP here will now result in infractions.

Taltos

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies, they are much appreciated, ill try to respond to all of them now

I made some mistakes in the opening post regards the weekends as he goes to his fathers house every second weekend so it was not three weekends in a row but every second weekend, I was typing the op fast and got the weekend mixed up

For a start I know it was wrong to stay the night the first time I met him, but I have to make some things clear, two of the weeks before hand when we were talking about this and that Kay mentioned that I should meet her son, I responded the first few times that It was too early for both me and him and the next time she dropped it into the conversation she said I had to met him which I said ok to but not in the near future, that weekend when I turned up he was there which was a shock to me for a start but it was too late then so I just went with it, after a while I asked what time he was going to his grandmothers and Kay told me he was staying the night there which I did not agree with and told her I would not be staying the night because it wasn’t fair on the child she insisted I stay and tbf I didn’t put up much of a protest because I like to just go with the flow and keep the peace

I know how much of a big deal this is to the child, a man coming on the scene taking away the attention the his mother gives to him and I know that it must be very difficult for him to take on board but I have tried to make it easy on him and I do not deserve to be treated the way I have by him, the problem is that I feel there is nothing I can do to change it because if you tell him to stop misbehaving he wont and its not like I can start shouting at him so what am I supposed to do, Ive tried ignoring him hoping that he would give up acting the way he does but then his mother kicks off saying that ive no patience with him and that im moody and rude which is not the sort of person I am at all, in fact his behaviour is effecting me in a way that makes me look like a person im not

@ bananaRep12 the issue I have is that im not getting the respect that I deserve, and I do know that he will always be number 1 in her life

@ Suzyq thanks for the reply, I am willing to try to stick it out for more than three weekends hoping that it will work out, which is why I started this thread, if I wasn’t willing to give it a go Id be out the door by now
I don’t think I should spend time alone with him because he has no respect for me whatsoever and wouldn’t listen to a word I say

@gmac102 I presume she will fly off the handle from talking to her family about it, from the way they talk about it they have more or less said without saying it that there’s no talking to her about anything bad he does, if she takes the calm approach she will just make excuses. I’m very shocked by the way she behaves around him, its completely different to the way she behaves away from him, she’s strong and balanced, but with him she has no control whatsoever, I think this comes from that his father and kay split up not long after he was born, they do not speak to each other at all, he does not give a cent to pay for the childs upbringing and there is a constant battle over this, along with a battle of “who loves him the most” which is why he misbehaves so much, he knows he will get away with it

@ ManOfMystery are you saying its ok or understandable for him to lash out and hit me, throw things at me?

@ ash23 thanks for the reply, he does not just throw a tantrum for say five or ten minutes it goes on and on every second he’s awake once he kicks off and I could see it happening again this weekend so I decided the best thing to do was to leave because kay gets very upset during this time and tbh I just couldn’t deal with it for another weekend because it just goes on and on, either hes shouting at me or his mother, demanding things, it goes on and on
She cannot reprimand him for his behaviour because he doesn’t do a thing she tells him, she seems happy to put up with him misbehaving and does nothing about it, she only sent him to his aunts when after having a throbbing headache all day and talking a packet of panadol I said I couldn’t take it anymore, tbh I don’t think she realises how bad he is because he has put up with it for so long
She wasn’t sending him away for entire weekends while he wasn’t with his father, it would be just for one night while we would go out or often it would be for an evening and I would then go home
I have tried to be as patient with him as I can and I know it was only a few weekend but there is only so much I can take

@ sunflower27 I hate any kind of arguments or confrontation and as I said already it doesn’t just last a few minutes
Kay isn’t totally a wear of the very bad things he has said to me but she does know hes has hit me and thrown things at me

@fungun you are right its turned into a its him or me situation which is the last thing I want and is why I did put in a special effort at the start, it’s something that I hoped wouldn’t happen and im under no delusions as to who is the priority in her life

@ Littlebook I think this is how he planned it and kay actually thinks his father has told him to behave like this so that we will break up and she will be unhappy
You are right that we haven’t handled it very well, Im willing to admit that but she has pushed to do thing that I knew would cause problems and wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to discuss it

@ElleEm thanks very helpful reply, I agree with what you are saying
Trying to tell him to stop when he misbehaves is like trying to p1ss against the wind though

@KnockKnockKnock as said above it was three weekends in a month but in two, I was typing fast and got it mixed up cause I was trying to remember everything in my head
I agree with you about taking slowly which I mentioned above but I have very little time over work and kay want to spend as much time with me as she could
I wasn’t angry at him calling her but the problem was all of the commotion of her up and down the stairs, her giving out every time she had to get up, you know what its like when you are trying to relax, and the eventually her screaming at him to go to sleep, it wasn’t like to was just once or twice it was every ten minutes from nine til two in the morning

@dafunk I don’t think spending time with the kid would be a good idea because he does not respect me or listen to me and id be afraid he might run off or something, it would be different he he was just upset by me coming on the scene if that was the case spending some time with him would help but in this case I don’t think it would work, thank you for the input though

@Distorted, We did move much to fast but I think that because Kays family took to me so quickly she thought he would be the same
trying to re-introduce myself is one of my ideas but kay pushes me to see her for longer times than we are already seeing each other so I don’t think I could make it happen

@ash23 I made an extra special effort not to be too touchy feely with kay when he’s around, even pushing her away and explaining to her how it might effect him

@geeby I cant see kay during the week because of work and sorry seeing her once every three weeks is just not an option at all, I myself and I know she would say we might as well not bother if we are going to see each other once a month, to me that would be treating her like a convenience for a quickie once a month rather than a relationship which is what both of us want

@ I am a friend I get on very well with her family and am treated as one of the family now, They approached me about this each individually to try to help both of use as they knew that it was causing problems between us, I do not think it was out of order at all, the family is very very close and they were trying to help us
Also I do not understand what you mean in the second part of your post, please could you elaborate?

@tbh thanks for the reply

@curlry I couldn’t agree with the start of your post more but Im not ready to walk away from this yet I do want to give it a go

@ash23 I want to address what you said in post 31
Her family took the child when we wanted to spend time together because it was too early for me to met him
I asked was the child going else where because I thought it would be too much for him to see me again so soon, you were the one in your first post telling me we did things too soon, what other way were we to do things, not have him stay with his grandparents and not see each other at all, we could do it both ways
Also kays family are always asking to look after him as they want to spent time with him and if I wasn’t there he would have spent time way from Kay, not as much but they do not see each other a lot at weekend even before I came on the scene, its not like he was being shipped off to anyone who would take him

Kay knows about him throwing things its certain things he has said to me that she does not know about

@sunflower27 your post 33 is exactly what im thinking, I cant walk in there and go your child is a brat and hes doing this and hes doing that, whats she going to think of me, I know that Id think wtf is this guy coming in here telling me how to raise my child
Also I have to thank for post 41
I have to ask some of the posters on here does it mean that im in a relationship with a woman that has a son its means I have to put up with whatever mood he is in, walk on eggshells if hes in a bad one and put up with his abuse?

@lollipops23 thank you I didn’t want a scene and felt it was the better option

Ive made up my mind that im going to ring Kay tomorrow and ask her to meet me at the weekend to talk about everything and try to make a start to work things out with her son, im going to ask her to talk to him and reassure him that its not me against him and that I want to be friends and hopefully it will work out

for what its worth op i dont believe the child is spoilt.

are you the first man in his mothers life, other than his father?
this is difficult for any child, let alone a 'pre-teen' with all the hormones etc!!

when i was 10 or 11 yrs old, my mother had a boyfriend, she kept it from us and conducted the relationship away from us. im sure she thought it was the right thing to do at the time, for us etc. however, i wasnt stupid and i knew when weekends came and i was getting shipped off to my grandmother that she was with someone else, it seemed to me at the time that she was more interested in him than us. now, obviously that wasnt true but to an 11 yr old mind thats how it seemed. one night this man stayed in our house, my mother clearly thinking we were young and asleep thought we wouldnt know. i woke up and saw him and created absolute havoc. mayhem. not proud but as a child thats what i did. and do you know what? it worked. i kicked off, big time, he left. he probably thought i was a brat, i honestly wasnt but my mam didnt know how to deal with the situation.
that was over 20 years ago and my poor mam is still alone.

in my opinion you should take things slower. you shouldnt have stayed the first night. he is 11, he knows about sex, he knows what your doing to his mother. a horrible thought for anyone i think you will agree!!

sit down, talk with 'kay' tell her you want to make it work (if you really do) and take things slow. try to be friends with him, its not your place to discipline, just be friends and let things build up from there.
really dont expect him to be ok with you staying the night so early, he knows what goes on in the bedroom!!!

Justask

going unreg wrote: »

Ive made up my mind that im going to ring Kay tomorrow and ask her to meet me at the weekend to talk about everything and try to make a start to work things out with her son, im going to ask her to talk to him and reassure him that its not me against him and that I want to be friends and hopefully it will work out

Wishing you the best of luck and remember 11 year olds require patience

Kimia

^^ Why oh why did you quote all that?

Am I the only one here you is reading this right? The child is actually hitting you? That's outrageous! I'm sorry, I get he feels like his turf has been challenged etc, but it is absolutely unacceptable for him to feel like he can hit this guy and the mother should be ashamed of herself for allowing it to go on like this. I am gobsmacked actually.

Op i've been the child in this situation (although never hit my now stepdad as I knew right from wrong) and he'll get used to it if you give it a while. Try and be as non-threatening as you can by taking it very very slow and maybe only meeting him once a month.

Once he realises that you're around to stay he'll get tired of making your life miserable and probably either ignore you or get used to you, depending on what kind of an effort you make.

I would reach out to Kay and explain that you're new ot all this but things need to slow down drastically as it's a mess at the moment. Meet Kay all you can but meet the child literally about once a month (for dinner, don't stay) and see how you get on.

Tell her though that it's absolutely unacceptable for him to be hitting you and throwing things and if he starts that nonsense, you will leave. She needs to realise that it's not on whatsoever and discipline him for that.

Justask

Kimia wrote: »

^^ Why oh why did you quote all that?

Sorry to have put you out :rolleyes:

I am a friend

Justask wrote: »

Wishing you the best of luck and remember 11 year olds require patience

So violent 11 year olds deserve patience?

Sleepy

Personally, OP, as a step-dad, I'd have to say in your position I'd have lost all respect for Kay at this point. Are you sure she's worth the effort?

qwerty13

I really think that Kay was behaving incredibly foolishly in wanting you to stay in her house when you had just met her son. And I feel that it was also way too soon for you to meet him. It sounds like she is putting her enthusiasm for your relationship far far ahead of the reality that it would be a bit of a shock / a hard one for her son to deal with.

Having said that, I think her son's behaviour is absolutely and utterly spoilt brat-ish. He has quite clearly been historically allowed to get away with bad behaviour. She seems to apply the same mis-guided 'little prince' label to her son with regard to his behaviour, as she does in ascribing adult emotional capability to a child, in forcing you and he to meet about 6 months too soon.

I'd seriously question the emotional maturity of Kay: do you really want to have to deal with the fall-out of her poor judgement and little-prince carry on of her son for the rest of your days?

visual

do your girlfriend and her son a favour, walk away your not the right person to be around children. if you can't understand why a CHILD would act this way, there is nothing that can be said on here to give you this insight.

qwerty13

visual wrote: »

do your girlfriend and her son a favour, walk away your not the right person to be around children. if you can't understand why a CHILD would act this way, there is nothing that can be said on here to give you this insight.

I can fully understand why a child would feel like behaving in this way, having had his mother's new boyfriend sprung upon him in a pretty full-on manner; I would seriously question his mother's judgement in springing something like this on the child though, and in tolerating his unquestionably bad behaviour.

I couldn't agree that it is the fault of the OP; I would feel that it is the fault of Kay in inflicting the relationship in a too much too soon manner on her son, and then being tolerant of his incredibly bad behaviour. He's not 5; he is old enough to know better - assuming that he has been taught better behaviour to this point in his life.

ash23

I still don't blame the child in all of this and I don't think the OP should lay all the blame at the childs door.

His mother needs to cop on to be honest. She should have a bit of sense about how all this has affected her son. I actually replied initially thinking it was perhaps the OP who was pushing the mother to spend time together/stay over etc as I genuinely didn't think any parent would be so foolish as to think this was a good way to handle this.

I don't know OP, if you don't think the mother will work on the situation, maybe it's time to cut your losses.
I'm more than a bit flabbergasted that the mother has handled the situation this way.

Lollipops23

ash23 wrote: »

I still don't blame the child in all of this and I don't think the OP should lay all the blame at the childs door.

I think the child is old enough to take some of the responsibility, but overall it's not his fault IMHO as his mother * sounds* like she's done nothing but indulge him throughout the years.
As I said before though, 11 is not a baby, a child yes, but not a baby. 11 is pubescent for goodness sake!!
He knows damn well how he's behaving and is old enough to have a reasoned discussion with, ie. "You've really upset me with your carry on,son. I really like <OP> and want us all to be able to spend time together because it's important to me that he likes you too." Granted you couldn't get a 3 year old to understand that, but 11 is certainly ok.

ash23

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I think the child is old enough to take some of the responsibility, but overall it's not his fault IMHO as his mother * sounds* like she's done nothing but indulge him throughout the years.
As I said before though, 11 is not a baby, a child yes, but not a baby. 11 is pubescent for goodness sake!!
He knows damn well how he's behaving and is old enough to have a reasoned discussion with, ie. "You've really upset me with your carry on,son. I really like <OP> and want us all to be able to spend time together because it's important to me that he likes you too." Granted you couldn't get a 3 year old to understand that, but 11 is certainly ok.

Oh absolutely he is old enough to be talked to in that way. I've an 8 year old myself and she's coherent and old enough to understand. However, if the child isn't disciplined or there are no repercussions for his bad behaviour, he'll never learn.
It's the mothers responsibility to discipline the child. if she will and OP likes her enough to stick it out, great. If she won't discipline him properly and handle the situation better, then the child won't change.