Porn in a Marriage

LegacyUser

I've struggled with this exact issue for the past 6 months, - since I discovered my husband of 35 years is regularly watching porn while I'm at work. I'm so shocked and distressed that I haven't said anything to him about it and have bottled it up inside. I go through a rollercoaster of emotions every day, - hating him for it/planning the conversation I need to have with him about it/aching to talk to someone about it/ blaming myself for it coming to this/wondering how can I go on living with him/ thinking maybe it's not the end of the world/ lying awake thinking about it/initiating sex more often in case he's not getting enough/ not being able to bear having him touch me etc etc etc, - it goes on and on around in circles and I'm nearly demented. I actually dont know how I feel about it at this stage. I dread arriving home after being out cos I know what he's been at while I'm not there, and I hate the pretense/sham questions we put to each other like "any news?", "anything happen during the day?" etc cos I know he's lying and deceiving me.
I look at my grown-up children and wonder what they would think if they knew, and sometimes I want to tell them what he's really like. But thats too big a step and I'm not able for the repercussions of having a showdown. I've read endless articles and books on the subject over the past few months, and all the advice is "its not a big deal". But maybe I was just naive and from another less liberal generation and to me it is a huge deal. We always had a great sex life and I was always "up for it" but I feel he has destroyed that now. Dont ask me to watch it with him, I think that would be out of the question

Taltos

60's Female - based on the content of your reply I have split your response into your own thread - hope you find some help here.

Taltos

fungun

Well certainly take five and think before you do anything crazy.

Youll get a multitude of advice around this being normal (which it is tbf) but the problem here is you did not realise it was going on and see a side of your husband you never knew existed....and that requires a mindset change for you.

All I can offer is that porn is different from a reln. His watching porn is not because he is not getting enough or its not good enough...its just something different. So certainly do not 'blame yourself'.

But you need to hear this from him.....and this is the point: you discovered this 6 months ago and have not said a word about it to him. You need to talk to him about it if it is bothering you this much. When you do, try not to be aggressive though.....I think your comment that "he is lying and deceiving me" is a bit too far to be honest.

60's female

60's female wrote: »

I hate the pretense/sham questions we put to each other like "any news?", "anything happen during the day?" etc cos I know he's lying and deceiving me.

OP... I get you have a major problem with the porn. That's ok.
But you should understand that to a lot of people it's not a big deal. Now I'm not saying this to make you feel worse - bear with me - because it doesn't seem a big deal to him or a lot of people, it's just not something worth mentioning. It's about on a par with something like "i washed my hands today" in terms of answering the question "any news". I understand to you that it's obviously not like that, but what I'm saying is, it doesn't mean he's lying or deceiving you.

I look at my grown-up children and wonder what they would think if they knew, and sometimes I want to tell them what he's really like.

I'll be honest OP, I would say they wouldn't think all that much of it, or that it's some sinister revelation. I doubt they'd want to think about it as much as they wouldn't think about their parents in bed, but there's nothing "what he's really like" about it. It's not like he's going off and having an affair.


I think you need to sit down and have a chat about it and tell him you have the issue with it and then he can maybe reassure you about it.

LegacyUser

I agree that I do seem a bit irrational and hysterical when I read back over my post! But in reality I'm not acting that way, - life is going on as normal and no one would know by me that this is festering inside. I'm nervous to speak to him about it because I know that I wont be able to be calm and rational when the words eventually come out. Its the shock of realising that the person you thought was closest to you is actually not who or what you thought he was. Its as if something me inside has died and the safe and familiar world I used to know has shattered. Its great to get your opinions and advice, - thank you so much. Even to put all this in writing feels like release therapy.

fungun

60's female wrote: »

Its the shock of realising that the person you thought was closest to you is actually not who or what you thought he was. Its as if something me inside has died and the safe and familiar world I used to know has shattered.

I think you are attaching too much importance to his, significantly more than it is due. I can understand the shock it might be for you, but it does not diminish your relationship or the years of happiness you have had together.

He IS the same man, your world IS just the same. There is just one small thing you were unaware of.

Firetrap

I can appreciate it has come as a shock to you but for all you know, he has been watching porn for years and years. For all you know, he has been masturbating all that time too. I'd guess that this sort of thing is more common than you'd think. It doesn't mean that he's a pervert or any less of a good man than you thought he was beforehand. I'm sure if you confronted him about it, he'd be mortified.

LegacyUser

I understand what you mean when you say you feel he's lied to you and deceived you. Over the course of such a long relationship, you thought you knew him like you knew yourself.

I wish that some conversations in the past might have prepared you for this. Some sign that there might be this side to him. Obviously that hasn't happened. Perhaps if you take time to think about what you want to say before you talk to him it will help you to do it more calmly.

Honestly, OP, every time I see a post/thread like this I cringe a little. I'll tell you what I think - IT'S JUST PORN. Going on like he's 'lied to you for X many years' and worry about the implications it has for your family is blowing things completely out of proportion.
Porn is harmless. It's entertainment. It doesn't affect or have any negative connotations for your relationship (at least it doesn't have to). Do you really want to start an argument over something so small?
The way you've phrased your post, it's like you equate watching porn to cheating. He's not doing anything seedy. Don't tell me you've never eyed a guy on the street or admired an actor in a film. Watching porn is like that. It's about fantasy, curiosity, nothing more.
Having said all that, however, people can become addicted to porn. That's what you need to watch out for - keep an eye on your husband and make sure it isn't cutting into his daily life.
If you want to mention it - which you probably should to make yourself feel better, mention it casually. Bring it up as something funny you found or a by the way. Saying "I know you watch porn" is almost like saying "I know you broke the lamp" it's pretty embarrassing for the accused but making light of it will encourage them to be more honest about their actions than straight up attacking them would. Having a joke about it with your husband could just be the thing that will make all the worry and tension you've felt since discovering his secret fizzle away.

fungun

Whilst I may agree with you Kye, porn is not seen that way by older people who did not have internet (i.e. free daily porn) access when they were younger.....there is a perception that it is a bit seedy. Also what seems to be bothering her is the fact that she never knew this about her husband.

It IS a mindset change if she has never thought this way. What is important is that she does not throw away a lifelong relationship whilst she comes to terms with this adjustment. And without wanting to appear too ageist, I think older people find that more difficult....if my missus walked in on me with porn id be slightly embarrassed and she would cast her eyes to heaven and leave me to it But if I think what my mother would have been like if she had caught my dad....well there would be a whole lot more shock and negative reaction to it. You can see that in the way the OP writes about what the kids would think....while the kids would prob be fine.

Its a bit of a generation thing.

Zen65

60's female wrote: »

Its as if something me inside has died and the safe and familiar world I used to know has shattered.

I'm making an assumption that you've been speaking of "porn" simply in the context of adult pictures / video, and not anything illegal or perverted. I'm also assuming that there is no third party involved in this (i.e. pay-to-watch live performances??).

There's a lot going on inside you, and it almost certainly bears no proportionate relationship to what's going on inside him. For the vast majority of men porn is like the restaurant review in the daily newspaper: if it's there it will be read (watched), if it's not there it won't be read. I'd bet money that your husband considers it no more or less important than that. That's why he does not talk about it, nor suggest anything as a result of viewing it. When you ask him "how was your day" he does not discuss whatever porn he has viewed any more than he would discuss the special offers in the pile of junk mail that came through the letterbox. That doesn't mean he didn't read the junk mail.

You have not said whether or not you know how much time he spends doing this. Maybe you don't know? Maybe you saw some porn in the internet history and you've drawn the inference that he views it every day? Maybe he really does view it every day?

I suspect that one of the big issues for you is that while he's doing this you're out working. Maybe the inequality of the situation whereby you provide an income and he ........ "watches porn" (I'm going to assume that in reality he's watching the screen with only one hand on the keyboard) ..... leads you to feel unappreciated for your role in the family unit? In reality, with or without the assistance of the internet your husband will occasionally (as most men would) masturbate as a form of release. That your husband uses the internet as a means of making the process more efficient / speedy / pleasurable is (IMHO) a bit of a side-issue. One poster above aptly described the use of porn as being like washing his hands.... it is simply a means to an end, and a perfectly natural end for that matter.

Porn addiction is a bad thing. Being unable to function without a daily dose can lead to problems in relationships and in general socialising which can be most unhealthy. An occasional w*** is fairly natural and not something to be concerned about. There is (I kid you not) evidence to suggest that it reduces the incidence of prostate cancer. Using porn is simply a way to be efficient about this (much as they provide in AI clinics).

So, I suggest that you try to get some of the issues clear in your own head before you tackle him about this, because an irrational argument will most likely cause more harm than good. If you want to talk about it then understand firstly that he may be very surprised that it is an issue for you. Maybe it helps to know that your husband is in fact no different to the majority of men who can access porn; if it's there he'll view it. There is no cheating, nor any lack of appreciation of you inherent in such an action.

Be at peace,


Z

Karen8

60's female wrote: »

I look at my grown-up children and wonder what they would think if they knew, and sometimes I want to tell them what he's really like.

You might be surprised to know what they're really like

evry1sm8

fungun wrote: »

But if I think what my mother would have been like if she had caught my dad....well there would be a whole lot more shock and negative reaction to it. You can see that in the way the OP writes about what the kids would think....while the kids would prob be fine.

Its a bit of a generation thing.

If my mother told me my dad was watching porn on an almost daily basis Id be disgusted. This is me being honest, Id be pure disgusted with him, it would not be "fine" to me at all.

And another poster, kyedhen, said its nothing and equivalent to watching a hot guy in a movie or seeing a hot guy on the street, I actually disagree!!
Guys can eye up girls on the street or hot girls in movies too, but porn is more.
Its seeing someone completely naked and doing sexual acts, the kinds of acts that are usually ONLY done within the relationship you are in, so I can totally see how it would be far more disturbing then to know your husband is looking at a hot girl in a movie!!!

So yeah, it is different.
Plus there is sometimes no romantic element with porn, which there can be in movies.
It may make a woman worry that it will affect how a man sees a woman / respects them. Porn can be crude and animalistic, depending on the kind you are watching.

OP, I would suggest sitting down with your husband, and as calmly as you can, explaining how you feel about it.
People can have different views on the issue, but what should matter is how your partner views it. He should respect how you feel because you are his wife, no one else is. If you dont like it, he should take that into account.
If other women have no problem with it, thats their call, doesnt mean you have to be ok with it.

To those of you who did not like my reply, let's be realistic. I'm trying to get this woman to understand her husband rather than make an issue of this.
To put this in perspective for all of you, we've got watching a bit of porn now and again vs. a 35 year marriage. Which is more important? REALLY? You need to think about this too, OP. Do you really want to start a war over something so small?

Neyite

evry1sm8 wrote: »

If my mother told me my dad was watching porn on an almost daily basis Id be disgusted. This is me being honest, Id be pure disgusted with him, it would not be "fine" to me at all.

Parents have no business telling-tales to their children, however adult the children are, about what goes on in their sex life. And it is certainly inappropriate for adult offspring to get involved in a discussion about sexual problems of their parents with them. It is nobodys business except the couple involved and maybe an impartial counsellor.

If my mother came near me with tales of what her and Dad did behind the bedroom door, my fingers would be in my ears and I'd be singing "lalalalalalalala" until she got the message. Its private and would be for them to sort out.

What bothers me about this OP is that despite the length of time you have been married, you have let your resentment and disgust build up for 6 months now, and not said anything to him. You have an obligation to discuss what you are unhappy about with your husband, and allow him the chance to work with you on it to resolve it. He is not a mind-reader. Talk to him.

Zen65

evry1sm8 wrote: »

If my mother told me my dad was watching porn on an almost daily basis Id be disgusted. This is me being honest, Id be pure disgusted with him, it would not be "fine" to me at all.

Not wishing to side-track this thread, but in my younger years (long before the internet) I was often surprised by families where the father would buy the Sunday tabloids every week, which usually featured semi-naked women as the page 3 models. Nowadays we would almost disregard such images, but to elderly men who had led their lives working on farms all week this was often how they got their hands on (what would have been regarded at the time as) soft porn. Being in a newspaper it was deemed "just harmless" or "the price to be paid for getting best sports coverage". Of course many of those men never read the sports sections!

Anyway, assuming OP is talking about that kind of porn, then I think her husband is simply indulging in the internet equivalent of the Mail-On-Sunday tabloids.

Be at peace,

Z

whatdoicare

Everyone watches porn in some form or another - if memory serves most women in the 60's bracket have read a few mills&boon books or Jackie Collins, not saying you have but as far as I know it's not considered seedy to read those books - would you be disgusted if you caught your friends reading those books? I know my mams circle of friends swap and change and bring them on holidays - and my mam is a very strict catholic!

Don't forget - the Karma Sutra was written sometime in the 1st Century and history also brought us Japanese pillow books, the Canterbury tales and Boccacios' steamy Decameron paintings!

It's completely natural for a man/woman/teenager to have urges and to use porn as an aid in masturbation - there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, people have been doing it since we started painting on walls - most movies and books wouldn't have become as famous as they have if there wasn't some sexual element to it. I know Twilight wouldn't have made it past the bargain bin if there wasn't so much sexual tension in it (and half naked men) - directed at 14 year olds by the way. Ann summers is a houshold name now and it's biggest clientele are married women between the ages of 25 - 65.

It's all totally a matter of changing your perspective on the matter - instead of being disgusted and shocked by the situation, why don't you talk to him about it, like a wife and lover. If you can't find the words yourself, talk it out first with a counselor. Be open minded - he hasn't done anything wrong, see it for what it is, a sexual release. Nothing more. It doesn't mean he is dirty, or sick, or that he wants you to look or act like the girls in the porn - he still loves you.

I am a married woman, I look at porn sometimes - and sometimes my husband is involved and sometimes he isn't. He does the same - sometimes there's nothing on the telly, I'm not there and he's bored. It doesn't affect our lives in any way, he still treats me with love and respect in the bedroom, if anything it makes us more open to each other - we talk more about how we feel, what we like, what we don't like. It's a matter of building trust. That's what a relationship is.

Don't leave this go any longer, 6 months is far too long to be letting this fester - go and talk to a counselor about this, gain some perspective and start getting your marriage back on track. Good Luck:)!




Also as a ps- Why would you even consider including your kids in something as deeply personal as your husbands sexlife? It seems very strange to me that you can't have an open conversation with your husband about sex but instead your initial reaction is to get your children involved? Your children, no matter what age they are have no place in what happens in private between you and your husband - I would find that very disturbing that you would even consider it. I would suggest you also discuss this strange reaction with your counselor to find out why exactly you did that?

LegacyUser

Thanks everybody for your input! You have put it in a different context for me. It's not that I have come around just yet to feeling it's normal, but I'm calmer and better prepared to approach the subject with him. I know I've been brooding over it for too long, but I'm glad I didnt charge in and go ballistic over it without teasing it out here first. And yes you're right about discussing it with the kids, - that would be unhelpful and completely inappropriate. I've learned a lot about life from this, - I can't believe I was so naive. I'll post back when I talk to him and let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

whatdoicare

60's female wrote: »

Thanks everybody for your input! You have put it in a different context for me. It's not that I have come around just yet to feeling it's normal, but I'm calmer and better prepared to approach the subject with him. I know I've been brooding over it for too long, but I'm glad I didnt charge in and go ballistic over it without teasing it out here first. And yes you're right about discussing it with the kids, - that would be unhelpful and completely inappropriate. I've learned a lot about life from this, - I can't believe I was so naive. I'll post back when I talk to him and let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

Good Luck! Hope it all works out for you

lace

OP - if you found out your husband had been picking his nose while you're at work would you think he had been "lying" to you and "deceiving" you? It's a habit he has that you didn't know about. You may not agree with it and may find it a little gross but doesn't make him a different person.

I know that it's a big issue to you but nowadays it's completely normal and commonplace. There's nothing seedy or perverted about it (as long as it's nothing illegal). I hate to break it to you but the fact is your grown up children may well enjoy the occasional bit of porn.

How did you find out about your husband's porn watching? Did you see his web history or find dvd's in your house? What exactly shocked you about what you saw - was it particularly hardcore or extreme or anything like that? Do you know for sure how often he watches it?

Once you figure out how you feel about it the best thing to do is talk to him about it. Mention it casually to him and try to stay as calm as possible. It may not stop him from doing it but at least it will get it out of your system so you're not secretly frustrated under the surface but pretending everything's okay.

LegacyUser

60's female wrote: »

Thanks everybody for your input! You have put it in a different context for me. It's not that I have come around just yet to feeling it's normal, but I'm calmer and better prepared to approach the subject with him. I know I've been brooding over it for too long, but I'm glad I didnt charge in and go ballistic over it without teasing it out here first. And yes you're right about discussing it with the kids, - that would be unhelpful and completely inappropriate. I've learned a lot about life from this, - I can't believe I was so naive. I'll post back when I talk to him and let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

You weren't naive. You trusted that you knew him. It's good that you didn't charge in but waited till you had a good think about things before discussing this part of his life with him.

Please don't take all these comments about how normal and harmless and how everyone watches porn to heart. That is the majority opinion these days it's true, but that doesn't make it fact. Many people dislike porn and many more think it is actually harmful. The jury is very much still out on it so there's no need to try to convince yourself that you have to adopt other people's opinions as your own.

LegacyUser

itsnotnormal wrote: »

You weren't naive. You trusted that you knew him. It's good that you didn't charge in but waited till you had a good think about things before discussing this part of his life with him.

Please don't take all these comments about how normal and harmless and how everyone watches porn to heart. That is the majority opinion these days it's true, but that doesn't make it fact. Many people dislike porn and many more think it is actually harmful. The jury is very much still out on it so there's no need to try to convince yourself that you have to adopt other people's opinions as your own.

Thanks itsnotnormal, -that about sums up how I feel. I can't ever see myself liking it, even if I can now accept that it's not a big issue for some people.

_blank_

Just want to throw something out there.

If you do talk to him about it he will be extremely embarrassed and probably tell you something like there were pop-ups on the screen which he clicked by mistake - this could be true, and probably is true, but at the same time, I don't know of any man in the world who has internet access who hasn't, at some stage, actually gone looking for pornographic material to masturbate to. It's normal behaviour.

When you do sit down to talk to him, you need to be the one keeping calm and level headed, he will be embarrassed and probably go on the defensive and may even get angry, not with you though. He'll be upset that he's upset you, he'll be upset with himself and probably feel a certain amount of shame - because when he's looking at the porn he's not in his normal mindset, he's in fantasy mode - and our private thoughts and fantasies are exactly that, private, not for anyone else to see or hear.

He probably watches stuff that he wouldn't ask you to do because he thinks of them as "degrading", and he'd be unwilling to bring into your relationship, he probably thinks of these things as "dirty" and wouldn't want you to do them for him, but it's ok to watch them while he's by himself because it's not you in the films. It's hard to explain really.


And remember this. If you ask him to stop, he probably won't.

He'll just get better at hiding it.

LegacyUser

OP I hope your partner doesn't have the madonna/whore complex that would make it possible him to enjoy watching porn despite thinking the women involved are being degraded. Please don't believe that all men are shameless liars who would rather hide than share their sexuality. Love should be about partnership and communication. Striving to make your relationship whole and healthy is a worthwhile effort.

Lollipops23

itsnotnormal wrote: »

OP I hope your partner doesn't have the madonna/whore complex that would make it possible him to enjoy watching porn despite thinking the women involved are being degraded. Please don't believe that all men are shameless liars who would rather hide than share their sexuality. Love should be about partnership and communication. Striving to make your relationship whole and healthy is a worthwhile effort.

I believe this to be a total over reaction to be honest. Porn doesn't make someone bad or wrong. It's not something I particularly relish my partner watching, but sure I've been known to watch it myself on occasion! I think you're attaching an awful lot of sensitivity to it, and I believe it's innappropriate to do so.

Also, how are they being degraded? OP doesn't stipulate what type of porn (and she doesn't need to) her OH is watching. A lot of porn is just straight up foreplay/sex, none of which is degrading.

whatdoicare

60's female wrote: »

Thanks itsnotnormal, -that about sums up how I feel. I can't ever see myself liking it, even if I can now accept that it's not a big issue for some people.

60's female, I wouldn't take too much stock in what itsnotnormal is saying - I suspect he/she is a troll as his/her views are a bit extreme in an obvious way. What he/she has to say is of no benefit to you or your marriage.

Like I said before, if you still have an issue with this, which I guess you have by how you phrased the statement above, I would strongly advise you go talk to a relationship counselor by yourself and work out your own issues with this subject before attempting to tackle working on your marriage.

Under no circumstances should you take any advice from us beyond talking to a professional - this is your marriage, I assume you want the best for both yourself and your husband.

LegacyUser

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I believe this to be a total over reaction to be honest. Porn doesn't make someone bad or wrong. It's not something I particularly relish my partner watching, but sure I've been known to watch it myself on occasion! I think you're attaching an awful lot of sensitivity to it, and I believe it's innappropriate to do so.

Also, how are they being degraded? OP doesn't stipulate what type of porn (and she doesn't need to) her OH is watching. A lot of porn is just straight up foreplay/sex, none of which is degrading.

Not sure how having a differing opinion is inappropriate, but as for "degrading" it was the poster above, Des, who said that the OP's husband found probably found the acts degrading for the women in the porn. I simply said that might not be the case and I hope its not because that would be worrying imo.

I realise the OPs split this thread but much of what I would say here I already said in the other thread so apologises for repeating myself here. However I would add to the copy and paste below an extra emphasis on the bits I said about anger. Anger is the enemy of love and even more so the enemy of communication. In your situation OP I would start by telling him that "It is important to me that we have a conversation about your porn use in the next couple of days but it will be an emotional conversation to me so I want to warn you that each time our conversation gets emotional I will stop it and defer it until the next day until such time as it is complete and we have gotten through it".

That reiterated I will now repeat what I said on the other thread.

It is very much more common than you think and is most often not a reflection on you or your relationship. I have worked with quite a lot of people through this kind of thing and there is never one solution but many. Which one to choose depends entirely on the people in question.

The first thing for you to do is to divest yourself of the idea that there is anything wrong with you in this. A guy could have the best and most satisfying lover in the world… or even 10 of them… and still want to look at the occasional porno.

Having divested yourself of this the next thing for you to do is decide how you feel about him looking at porn. Is it ok with you. Is it something that bothers you but you can compromise on – as many things are in a relationship. Or is it a deal breaker for you. How to proceed from there on is entirely dependent on your answer to this.

If you are ok with it then you have no problem. Move on and always remember what I said about it not being a reflection on you or some deficiency in you. If it bothers you but you are willing to compromise then pretty much the same replies but some of the solutions in the next paragraphs might also interest you.

If it bothers you or is a deal breaker for you then conversation is key here. You need to let him know exactly how you feel and not get either of you angry when doing so. Inform him the conversation is important to you but that it will stop and be deferred to a later time each and every time anger starts to creep in, so let us both try and remain calm.

Things to talk about and understand are why he watches it. What he gets from it. Does he really need it. Are there compromises that can be reached. What are the options he is willing to consider on how to proceed. Are there other ways to give him what he wants from porn. So on. What guys “get” from porn varies wildly and some of the reasons often surprise their partner. A common one I have heard is for example that the guy is horny, wants “release” but he is too tired for the physical demands of actual sex with a person. The same justification I guess many people give for eating McDonalds rather than cooking a meal they would really enjoy more – when eating McDonalds is in and of itself a barely justifiable choice. Contrary to intuition it is very possible to be “not in the mood” and very horny at the same time.

If it is a deal breaker for you and no compromise can be found then you have your answer. The relationship is not going to work for you.

There are many compromises that can be reached and I have brought many couples to them. What the guy gets from porn can be got in other ways for example. Some couples end up watching the porn together only and sharing the experience. In a couple of cases I have had couples agree to make their own porn together and this was the porn he watched when alone and wanted to see porn… and she was happy with this because it rid her of the feelings of being essentially “cheated on” that many women have regarding porn.

At the end of the day however communication without anger is always the main key and a full understanding of both parties as to what the other wants and why – what the other feels and why – before talking about where to go from there – was always paramount.

Lollipops23

itsnotnormal wrote: »

Not sure how having a differing opinion is inappropriate, but as for "degrading" it was the poster above, Des, who said that the OP's husband found probably found the acts degrading for the women in the porn. I simply said that might not be the case and I hope its not because that would be worrying imo.

It's not the differing opinion I find innapropriate (to each their own ) but more how hyper-sensitive you appear to be about it. You and the OP are both totally entitled to your own views and opinions on porn, but you do have to accept that they're not the norm. Society is pretty accepting of porn these days.

LegacyUser

taxAHcruel, - you obviously have experience in dealing with the issue, thanks for your long and detailed advice. And to all other posters as well of course! I can see both sides of the argument and the merit in all of your opinions. If you knew me you would realise how difficult it is for me, and how unreal it seems to be getting (much appreciated) advice on such an intimate issue from total strangers. Until now I had no way of getting it off my chest. I feel like I want to make scones for all of you!!
I'm hoping to get my thoughts together before I say anything, because as OP says, -when anger enters into the equation it will defeat any chance of a resolution. Unfortunately I'm not ready yet to deal with it, - and I want to have my head completely around it before I do.

Lollipops23

60's female wrote: »

I feel like I want to make scones for all of you!!
I'm hoping to get my thoughts together before I say anything, because as OP says, -when anger enters into the equation it will defeat any chance of a resolution. Unfortunately I'm not ready yet to deal with it, - and I want to have my head completely around it before I do.

Always open to scones!

Back on topic: you're totally entitled to have a discussion with your husband about how uncomfortable the idea of him watching porn makes you. I know in the past when I've wanted to have an uncomfortable and sensitive discussion with someone it can be very hard to marshall your thoughts into something coherant and that gets your point of view across.
Might I suggest sitting down and writing a letter to your husband? Not to give to him, but to help you articulate what it is you want to say. It's a handy way of setting out the points that you want to cover so that should emotion get the better of you, you can keep track and not lose yourself.

SirenX

I understand that this may have been a huge shock to you but it's not really that bad imo
It only becomes a bad situation when porn gets in the way of your sex life eg: he's rather watch pron than be with you (which is a situation that I have been in)

pron can be fun, I read/watch it a lot more than my boyfriend does and neither one of us has a problem with it because it doesn't get in the way of our sex life, your over thinking it. try relax a lil, and maybe delve into his world by reading some erotic stories, just so try and see things from his eyes, it might make you rethink the whole situation.