Brother is driving me mad and accusing me of being homophobic

whatcartoget

Well to begin with I am an 18 year old guy. My brother is 29. So there is quit a big age difference. My brother went to collage when he was 17 and moved away from home. So I only saw him every few weekends and we were never extremely close.
He then began working away from home and I saw him during holidays etc. He moved closer to home due to work so I saw more of him. He came out as being gay late last year and he got a positive reaction from my family. He was told all that mattered was that he was happy etc.
The problems really started in January he started trying to butt into my life more and I didn't really like this. He started reading my internet history because he felt he should know what I was up online. My parents had nothing to do with this because they complete trust me. He got access to my laptop one day because my mam uses the laptop during the day just to read the news, recipes, soaps etc and he asked to check his e-mails. He then checked all my internet history and I had goggled the word gay charter gossip girl or some other show and he also saw the word suicide goggled. He then took a list of things that he considered not suitable for an 18 year old fella such as American pie films and the hangover movie and generally lads stuff, Which I see nothing wrong with. He then started asking me about my friends and he said I be hanging out with people from council estates and saying there scum . He then started to tell my mother about pictures he saw on facebook and how he tough that we were to young to be drinking. We're all 18. He said people would look down on the family over it. I met up with some of my friends one Saturday evening in a local newsagents and we knew the girl working in the shop and we were just chatting to her since there was no one in the shop and he came in we continued to chat and we were laughing. He thought this was inappropriate and he dragged me out of the shop in front of my friends. My friends might be from council estates but not one of them has ever being in trouble with the gardai. He looks down on people from certain areas because he thinks there all rough scum. My parents best friends live in a big city in a suburb that has a bad rep. Both these people have good jobs and they have bought there house and cars. He constantly complanies about these people and tell my parents they shouldn't be friends with them any more because of there address.
I really lost it when my brother tried to change my cao courses online because he felt I should be applying for courses in the scientific sector but I have no interest in the sector. My interest are in the catering and hospitality sector and he took these courses of my cao and put on the courses he thought that should be there. I luckily noticed it and changed it back.
He then started accusing me of be homophobic to him because I wasn't talking to him. I wasn't talking to him because He was being a prick. He then started asking me was I gay and was that the reason I wouldn't accept him!
Any advice? Sorry about long post. Mods feel free to edit this if it isn't legible

L.Jenkins

Hmmm, I'd think this would be more of a personal or family issue. To be fair, you are 18 and he should consider your own personal bounderies and decisions in life. It would be better just to have a chat with him about whats been going on.

baby and crumble

Your brother sounds like an asshole.

Sorry to be blunt. The CAO thing in particular is a seriously dickish thing to do. I think you need to Sit your brother down and tell him that you're an adult and he has no right to interfere like he is.

Just my opinion though.

Aard

Your brother's a douche.


More than likely he's meddling in your life to distract himself from something he dislikes about his own. Not necessarily his homosexuality; it's probably some sort of class complex, going by what you wrote. He sounds underconfident.

foggy_lad

Tell him to get his own mess of a life sorted out and get his nose out of yours! Then ask if he fancies you or is there any other reason he is showing such an unhealthy interest in you and who you are with.

floggg

No offence but what a prick. Tell him you arent talking to him because he's a prick who almost ruined your education by changing you're courses without consent. I imagine what he did could possibly be a criminal offence. Not saying to report him, but that's the level of seriousness of what he did.

Try talking to him and tell him where to go until he apologises. If not discuss it with your parents. they might be able to talk some sense into him, but at the very least they will understand why you may not be getting along with him.

foggy_lad

Honestly there is no point talking to such a prick, anyone who would behave like that to their younger brother is trying to be your father and is just too screwed up to be helped by you. You need to involve your parents as it is their house this bullying is happening in and let them know exactly what your brother is up to and how unhappy it has made you.

If they laugh it off or do nothing because they don't want to drive him away from home you may have to move.

easychair

floggg wrote: »

No offence but what a prick.

I think it might be considered quite offensive to call someone else a "prick". Just because you say "no offence" doesn't negate the fact that it might be considered offensive, and merely shows that you are aware that your remark might be considered offensive.

To the OP, I am assuming you didn't come here and expect anyone to tell you your brother is behaving reasonably. You don't say if your parents think he is behaving reasonably, or what they suggest.

Like most people who pose such problems, you probably already know the answer to your post. Either the situation has to be resolved, or else you can't continue to live under the same roof comfortably.

How you resolve it is through discussion, agreement to a set of house rules, using your parents if necessary, or even suggesting a mediator if thats not successful.

Failing that, one or other of you will have to move out.

foggy_lad

easychair wrote: »

I think it might be considered quite offensive to call someone else a "prick". Just because you say "no offence" doesn't negate the fact that it might be considered offensive, and merely shows that you are aware that your remark might be considered offensive.

He has also been called a douche and an asshole in this thread, pr1ck is not that offensive considering what he is up to IMHO.

zuroph

Talk to your mam about it rationally. Tell her everything you said above, and emphasise the CAO story to make your point. you're and adult, and, just as he was, you have to be let the freedom to discover who you are for yourself. He wont butt out if you go to him, but your mam might be able to have a word, if you show her how much its affecting you.

easychair

foggy_lad wrote: »

He has also been called a douche and an asshole in this thread, pr1ck is not that offensive considering what he is up to IMHO.

I agree, and its always been my policy not to find offence where none exists, and not to take offence where it is intended.

ongarboy

Is there anyway you can create a private log in account for you on the home pc/laptop so that he/others cannot access? I'm not familiar with the CAO website but surely you need a password to log into your CAO number - how was he able to get in and change your courses? Can you change your password and not divulge it so he can't log in in future. Also, clear the internet browsing history after every use if you do not want him to see what you view online.

Everything else you listed was very poor behaviour by your brother but interfering with something that has a major bearing on your future such as CAO choice is absolutely appalling. I suggest you have a serious conversation with your parents about this so that they can lay down some ground rules about what he can or cannot do in the house. I'm sure if they are reasonable, they will be as equally appalled by his behaviour as you and we are. He obviously has serious issues and I'm not sure they are related to him being gay or coming to terms with his sexuality. I think that is actually a red herring here. Ignore the homophobic jibes - he is just using the gay card as some sort of defence mechanism to undermine you. We all struggled with coming out and perhaps were not the easiest people to be around during some difficult periods but it didn't mean we turned into assholes to those around us or used it as an excuse to indulge in appalling behaviour to others.

easychair

ongarboy wrote: »

We all struggled with coming out

Did we? How do you know what we all did? I certainly never struggled with "coming out", and am uncertain why you claim I did?

Annasopra

Could we please keep this thread on topic.

foggy_lad

easychair wrote: »

I agree, and its always been my policy not to find offence where none exists, and not to take offence where it is intended.

easychair wrote: »

Did we? How do you know what we all did? I certainly never struggled with "coming out", and am uncertain why you claim I did?

Your own policy does not always apply then?

Back on topic, OP you need to do something about this issue soon as it will not go away on its own. Talk with your parents and see if there is any ideas thay may have to make things better for everyone. it looks like your brother has lived away from home for so long he has forgotten how to be a brother.

Annasopra

Folks - getting into a discussion about offence is off topic and not relevant to the thread.

Killer Pigeon

You should tell your brother to shove off; plane and simple. I mean, you're 18, you're now an adult and you can take care of your own life. Who the hell does your brother think he is? It looks like he's trying to take over your life. I know it's not uncommon for an older brother to sometimes look out for their younger brother but what your brother is doing is just ridiculous.

I would suggest confronting the issue with both your brother and your parents. If he calls you a homophobe, just ignore him; we all know that's not the issue here - he's trying to invade your privacy. Be as blunt as you can with him but make sure to act sensibly when doing so.

Also, word of advice, delete all your internet history and change the password on your e-mail accounts(s) and on the CAO.

To be honest, I think the immature one here is your brother, not you.

easychair

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

Also, word of advice, delete all your internet history and change the password on your e-mail accounts(s) and on the CAO.

Unfortunately that merely deals with a symptom, and does nothing to resolve the problems. It may well be that talking to his brother will be useless, and quite often those sorts of people are not open to resolve the issues, and prefer instead to continue to control others.

Killer Pigeon

easychair wrote: »

Unfortunately that merely deals with a symptom, and does nothing to resolve the problems. It may well be that talking to his brother will be useless, and quite often those sorts of people are not open to resolve the issues, and prefer instead to continue to control others.

Well, if it's useless to confront his brother about the issue and to take the necessary measures to protect his own privacy (and his future, as we're taking about the CAO), then what can he do?

If the OP's brother has some sort of personality disorder (which could be likely, although I'm not qualified to say) then he must be seen to. In the meantime though, the OP must protect himself and confront his brother. Yes, this is only a short-term solution but once he stops trying to control the OP and tries instead to control other, it's out of the OP's hands.

easychair

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

Well, if it's useless to confront his brother about the issue and to take the necessary measures to protect his own privacy (and his future, as we're taking about the CAO), then what can he do?

If the OP's brother has some sort of personality disorder (which could be likely, although I'm not qualified to say) then he must be seen to. In the meantime though, the OP must protect himself and confront his brother. Yes, this is only a short-term solution but once he stops trying to control the OP and tries instead to control other, it's out of the OP's hands.

We won't know if its useless unless he tries!

Asry

Nah you're not being homophobic. I was just jokingly called homophobic for agreeing that David Norris was right to step down, but I can easily see how I could have been called homophobic in deadly seriousness for saying something like that.

That will be the card in your brother's back pocket for this rest of his life if you don't snip it now - any time anyone annoys him, he'll say they're just being homophobic.

Oh and also, OP, I'm so, so glad that you checked your CAO form before it was too late.

oli2

tell him to **** off!

TylerIE

whatcartoget wrote: »

Well to begin with I am an 18 year old guy. My brother is 29. So there is quit a big age difference. My brother went to collage when he was 17 and moved away from home. So I only saw him every few weekends and we were never extremely close.
He then began working away from home and I saw him during holidays etc. He moved closer to home due to work so I saw more of him. He came out as being gay late last year and he got a positive reaction from my family. He was told all that mattered was that he was happy etc.
The problems really started in January he started trying to butt into my life more and I didn't really like this. He started reading my internet history because he felt he should know what I was up online. My parents had nothing to do with this because they complete trust me. He got access to my laptop one day because my mam uses the laptop during the day just to read the news, recipes, soaps etc and he asked to check his e-mails. He then checked all my internet history and I had goggled the word gay charter gossip girl or some other show and he also saw the word suicide goggled. He then took a list of things that he considered not suitable for an 18 year old fella such as American pie films and the hangover movie and generally lads stuff, Which I see nothing wrong with. He then started asking me about my friends and he said I be hanging out with people from council estates and saying there scum . He then started to tell my mother about pictures he saw on facebook and how he tough that we were to young to be drinking. We're all 18. He said people would look down on the family over it. I met up with some of my friends one Saturday evening in a local newsagents and we knew the girl working in the shop and we were just chatting to her since there was no one in the shop and he came in we continued to chat and we were laughing. He thought this was inappropriate and he dragged me out of the shop in front of my friends. My friends might be from council estates but not one of them has ever being in trouble with the gardai. He looks down on people from certain areas because he thinks there all rough scum. My parents best friends live in a big city in a suburb that has a bad rep. Both these people have good jobs and they have bought there house and cars. He constantly complanies about these people and tell my parents they shouldn't be friends with them any more because of there address.
I really lost it when my brother tried to change my cao courses online because he felt I should be applying for courses in the scientific sector but I have no interest in the sector. My interest are in the catering and hospitality sector and he took these courses of my cao and put on the courses he thought that should be there. I luckily noticed it and changed it back.
He then started accusing me of be homophobic to him because I wasn't talking to him. I wasn't talking to him because He was being a prick. He then started asking me was I gay and was that the reason I wouldn't accept him!
Any advice? Sorry about long post. Mods feel free to edit this if it isn't legible

If he seen the "suicide" word googled early in the history or by accident when borrowing your laptop (and it wasnt obvious when he looked that it was something to do with school or a recent death) it may have spiraled into his over protectiveness...

That doesnt excuse his domineering attitude and Id say you know the answer yourself. Is it possible you will be moving away from home for college so you wont have to put up with him as much?

Also by any chance are you the youngest in the family?

terrlobe

whatcartoget wrote: »

Well to begin with I am an 18 year old guy. My brother is 29. So there is quit a big age difference. My brother went to collage when he was 17 and moved away from home. So I only saw him every few weekends and we were never extremely close.
He then began working away from home and I saw him during holidays etc. He moved closer to home due to work so I saw more of him. He came out as being gay late last year and he got a positive reaction from my family. He was told all that mattered was that he was happy etc.
The problems really started in January he started trying to butt into my life more and I didn't really like this. He started reading my internet history because he felt he should know what I was up online. My parents had nothing to do with this because they complete trust me. He got access to my laptop one day because my mam uses the laptop during the day just to read the news, recipes, soaps etc and he asked to check his e-mails. He then checked all my internet history and I had goggled the word gay charter gossip girl or some other show and he also saw the word suicide goggled. He then took a list of things that he considered not suitable for an 18 year old fella such as American pie films and the hangover movie and generally lads stuff, Which I see nothing wrong with. He then started asking me about my friends and he said I be hanging out with people from council estates and saying there scum . He then started to tell my mother about pictures he saw on facebook and how he tough that we were to young to be drinking. We're all 18. He said people would look down on the family over it. I met up with some of my friends one Saturday evening in a local newsagents and we knew the girl working in the shop and we were just chatting to her since there was no one in the shop and he came in we continued to chat and we were laughing. He thought this was inappropriate and he dragged me out of the shop in front of my friends. My friends might be from council estates but not one of them has ever being in trouble with the gardai. He looks down on people from certain areas because he thinks there all rough scum. My parents best friends live in a big city in a suburb that has a bad rep. Both these people have good jobs and they have bought there house and cars. He constantly complanies about these people and tell my parents they shouldn't be friends with them any more because of there address.
I really lost it when my brother tried to change my cao courses online because he felt I should be applying for courses in the scientific sector but I have no interest in the sector. My interest are in the catering and hospitality sector and he took these courses of my cao and put on the courses he thought that should be there. I luckily noticed it and changed it back.
He then started accusing me of be homophobic to him because I wasn't talking to him. I wasn't talking to him because He was being a prick. He then started asking me was I gay and was that the reason I wouldn't accept him!
Any advice? Sorry about long post. Mods feel free to edit this if it isn't legible

Your brother is trying to mend bridges in your relations by trying to take an interest in your life - you did say you've never been close. Acknowledge this when you speak next time, as opposed to engaging in name calling and abuse which will descend into your hating each other for a long time. RE the CAO he was trying to point out science is the way to go and to avoid the pitfalls of choosing a course with limited job prospects like many students do & regret down the line. Tell him you appreciate his concern, but that you need to live your life and calmly say that you are angry at him changing your CAO form (he had no right!). RE the Internet search items put it to him that you have the same right as any adult to research on the web and ask that he respect your space.

ninty9er

terrlobe wrote: »

Your brother is trying to mend bridges in your relations by trying to take an interest in your life - you did say you've never been close. Acknowledge this when you speak next time, as opposed to engaging in name calling and abuse which will descend into your hating each other for a long time. RE the CAO he was trying to point out science is the way to go and to avoid the pitfalls of choosing a course with limited job prospects like many students do & regret down the line. Tell him you appreciate his concern, but that you need to live your life and calmly say that you are angry at him changing your CAO form (he had no right!). RE the Internet search items put it to him that you have the same right as any adult to research on the web and ask that he respect your space.

Blood...boiling...strongly...resisting...urge...not...to..start...calling...names!

What planet are you living on? People on this forum get so precious over such small things, but to even try and excuse ****ing with someone's future!:mad:

Killer Pigeon

terrlobe wrote: »

RE the CAO he was trying to point out science is the way to go and to avoid the pitfalls of choosing a course with limited job prospects like many students do & regret down the line.

His brother shouldn't have laid a single finger on his CAO application. It's up to the OP to decide that, not his brother. There isn't a single excuse I can think of that would justify his brother doing that.

terrlobe

ninty9er wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

Your brother is trying to mend bridges in your relations by trying to take an interest in your life - you did say you've never been close. Acknowledge this when you speak next time, as opposed to engaging in name calling and abuse which will descend into your hating each other for a long time. RE the CAO he was trying to point out science is the way to go and to avoid the pitfalls of choosing a course with limited job prospects like many students do & regret down the line. Tell him you appreciate his concern, but that you need to live your life and calmly say that you are angry at him changing your CAO form (he had no right!). RE the Internet search items put it to him that you have the same right as any adult to research on the web and ask that he respect your space.

Blood...boiling...strongly...resisting...urge...not...to..start...calling...names!

What planet are you living on? People on this forum get so precious over such small things, but to even try and excuse ****ing with someone's future!:mad:

Did you read the sentence I wrote following the block highlighted? I never excused any such thing, only to suggest OP doesn't jump the gun and escalate things with brother... Life's too short for that. If he takes my approach I bet big brother will admit he did wrong and apologize profusely.

terrlobe

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

RE the CAO he was trying to point out science is the way to go and to avoid the pitfalls of choosing a course with limited job prospects like many students do & regret down the line.

His brother shouldn't have laid a single finger on his CAO application. It's up to the OP to decide that, not his brother. There isn't a single excuse I can think of that would justify his brother doing that.

People like you encourage others to overreact and get caught up in conflict. The fact is OP discovered it in time and averted wrong course choice arriving with the CAO. His brother for whatever reason did it. It may make him a busy body, a meddling Mary, even a troublemaker. In any event it doesn't make him the world's worst Cnut like a lot of you hotheads are making out. It's the kind of behaviours befitting an appearance on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Bottorm line: he needs to talk it out with big bro calmly, and draw a line in the sand with him so there's no repeat occurance.

Sonics2k

Your brother is being a tool. He has no right to directly interfere with your CAO or anything else. He can of course talk to you about them, but not actually take it over without you knowing.

Oh and accusing you of being Homophobic honestly sounds like the last desperate attempt to get himself off the hook for being such a tool to you.

Killer Pigeon

terrlobe wrote: »

People like you encourage others to overreact and get caught up in conflict. The fact is OP discovered it in time and averted wrong course choice arriving with the CAO. His brother for whatever reason did it. It may make him a busy body, a meddling Mary, even a troublemaker. In any event it doesn't make him the world's worst Cnut like a lot of you hotheads are making out. It's the kind of behaviours befitting an appearance on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Bottorm line: he needs to talk it out with big bro calmly, and draw a line in the sand with him so there's no repeat occurance.

I don't think I was making people "overreact" and that certainly wasn't my intention. This is a discussion forum where debate and exchange of ideas and opinions is expected so I won't be afraid to do so.

In your previous post, you said that he had no right to interfere with his CAO application. Granted, no-one disagrees with that. However, in the same post you outline that his concerns may have been justified and nearly warranted; as if having a science degree will actually improve your job prospects in this day and age, however that's a different topic entirely. Just because the OP discovered his altered CAO application before it was too late doesn't mean that we should ignore his brothers actions.

The OP's brother has some serious issues to sort out before they can start mending their relationship. Maybe his brother needs to undergo some sort of counseling, he might have a personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But hey, the only thing I know is from looking at videos on youtube, lol. Perhaps the OP could find out more on the psychology forum about that and ask how he should best approach his brother.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oxJf9MXidY

terrlobe

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

People like you encourage others to overreact and get caught up in conflict. The fact is OP discovered it in time and averted wrong course choice arriving with the CAO. His brother for whatever reason did it. It may make him a busy body, a meddling Mary, even a troublemaker. In any event it doesn't make him the world's worst Cnut like a lot of you hotheads are making out. It's the kind of behaviours befitting an appearance on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Bottorm line: he needs to talk it out with big bro calmly, and draw a line in the sand with him so there's no repeat occurance.

I don't think I was making people "overreact" and that certainly wasn't my intention. This is a discussion forum where debate and exchange of ideas and opinions is expected so I won't be afraid to do so.

In your previous post, you said that he had no right to interfere with his CAO application. Granted, no-one disagrees with that. However, in the same post you outline that his concerns may have been justified and nearly warranted; as if having a science degree will actually improve your job prospects in this day and age, however that's a different topic entirely. Just because the OP discovered his altered CAO application before it was too late doesn't mean that we should ignore his brothers actions.

The OP's brother has some serious issues to sort out before they can start mending their relationship. Maybe his brother needs to undergo some sort of counseling, he might have a personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But hey, the only thing I know is from looking at videos on youtube, lol. Perhaps the OP could find out more on the psychology forum about that and ask how he should best approach his brother.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oxJf9MXidY

You don't deserve an opinion! To reiterate I never justified OP's brother's actions, and expressly stated he needs to draw a line in the sand with him. Let's not get carried away with silly speculation about likely mental disorders he may have. People react and overreact in times of stress and a resolution only requires communication. Sit down with mugs of coffee and a few packets of delicious biscuits.

rainbow kirby

terrlobe wrote: »

You don't deserve an opinion! ... Sit down with mugs of coffee and a few packets of delicious biscuits.

Attack the post, not the poster.

Fozzydog3

I would seriously recommend him to go to a counselor that is in no way acceptable behaviour especially for a 29 year old

terrlobe

Fozzydog3 wrote: »

I would seriously recommend him to go to a counselor that is in no way acceptable behaviour especially for a 29 year old

Tbh busybodiness is alive and well so. He made an error of judgment which could have turned into a grave error of judgment had OP not checked the CAO website. Shrinks all around the country it's party time

Killer Pigeon

terrlobe wrote: »

You don't deserve an opinion!

Fair enough so.

terrlobe wrote: »

Tbh busybodiness is alive and well so. He made an error of judgment which could have turned into a grave error of judgment had OP not checked the CAO website. Shrinks all around the country it's party time

The thing is, how are we to say for certain that the OP's brother is just a "busybody"? It could be something worse. If it is, then if the OP were to approach his brother at this stage, without consolidation, he could make the situation worse. All I'm saying is maybe the OP should delve a little deeper and find out if this could be part of something more serious, just to be sure to be sure.

terrlobe

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

You don't deserve an opinion!

Fair enough so.

terrlobe wrote: »

Tbh busybodiness is alive and well so. He made an error of judgment which could have turned into a grave error of judgment had OP not checked the CAO website. Shrinks all around the country it's party time

The thing is, how are we to say for certain that the OP's brother is just a "busybody"? It could be something worse. If it is, then if the OP were to approach his brother at this stage, without consolidation, he could make the situation worse. All I'm saying is maybe the OP should delve a little deeper and find out if this could be part of something more serious, just to be sure to be sure.

That's for his brother to deal with... wouldn't this make OP a hypocrite for taking exception to the meddling of a family member, and then engaging in the very same thing himself?

Sonics2k

You two are really just arguing for the sake of it now. There's really nothing left to discuss about the OP.

Killer Pigeon

terrlobe wrote: »

That's for his brother to deal with... wouldn't this make OP a hypocrite for taking exception to the meddling of a family member, and then engaging in the very same thing himself?

Yes, it up to his brother to deal. The OP came on here to get advice on how to deal with his brother, would you view that as meddling too? I just think that the OP's brother is a little more than your typical "busybody".

As Sonics2k indicates, this is just getting tit-for-tat and going nowhere. So I'll leave it at that.

WANTStoWORK

Sorry for your troubles buddy. I have to agree with a lot of other posts in here, this guy is a mile out of place, I get the feeling that he is envious of your life and seems to have issues with his own. perhaps you can ask your folks or maybe sombody closer his own age to 'yellow card' him. I agree trying to change your CAO form was a big no no. It won't go away on it's own but you can get it sorted. best of luck bud.