No gifts from some people after wedding

LegacyUser

Want to go anon.

Married a couple of months and herself and me are sending out thank you cards to our guests. There are several people invited to and who attended the whole day who've given us nothing. One couple said "we must drop it up" after the wedding but haven't heard a word from them and we've seen them out socially since.

Is this really bad? I'm a bit annoyed they didn't even give a card, we didn't have a gift list or anything and none of the non gifters are out of work, so I'm at a loss why they couldn't even give a card.

Cuddlesworth

Why do you deserve a gift for getting married?

byhookorbycrook

It's a gift and therefore a choice. You are not supposed to expect a present.

Chinafoot

If they turned up for the wedding you should send them a thank you card for being there.

If you only want to send cards to those who gave you presents, then go ahead.

I will never understand this obsession with wedding gifts. Weddings are bloody expensive things to attend. Outfit, transport, spending money, possible childcare, sometimes accommodation...maybe those who didn't give you anything genuinely couldn't.

Be thankful that people made the effort to show your support for you and your wife and stop being so bloody materialistic. Getting married doesn't and shouldn't entitle you to anything ffs.

lazygal

I don't think a card is too much to ask. You wouldn't turn up to a party without a bottle of wine or similar. We had some non gift givers at our wedding, which is fair enough as you don't know what financial position people are in, but like the OP I would have loved even a card as we kept them all as a nice momento.

mikemac

If they gave you a card would you be here posting that a card wasn't enough and you wanted cash?

tbh

Be careful. You run the risk of sounding like a spoiled child. You invited them so they could share your day. You didn't invite them just so as they'd bring presents. Did you?

solerina

Its the social norm in this country to give a gift. If the people involved werent working and couldnt afford a gift then a card at least should be given. I think the OP is entitled to be annoyed at the lack of gift/card. I happen to think its bad manners to not even give a card.

lazygal

mikemac wrote: »

If they gave you a card would you be here posting that a card wasn't enough and you wanted cash?

We sent thank you cards to all who attended our wedding, we were delighted to get some beautiful personalized cards from some friends, they could only afford that and we didn't bemoan the lack of a gift. I don't think a card from a €2 shop is going to break the bank of anyone.

Starokan

i would not read to much into it, for a lot of people these days even attending a wedding takes a lot of money that they don't really have.

I know its considered the norm to give a gift but in the current climate i think people can be excused.

I could understand having a problem with not receiving a card, though maybe they felt it would look bad to give one without a gift

LegacyUser

I think giving a wedding is expected, not because the couple feels entitled to a gift, but because it is, as others have posted above, the norm.

Having said that, not everyone follows this tradition, whether because they don't believe in it, are unaware of it, or can't afford it. Sometimes it happens that gifts have gone astray.

OP, send cards to everyone, mentioning the gift specifically if one was received, mentioning only that you are thankful that they were there to share it with you and your OH if there was no gift.

dory

Well, to all those saying they should have at least given a card - the person mightn't have wanted to as an empty card makes it clear that they're not getting you anything. Letting it slide makes it seem like they meant to but never got around to giving it to you.

Personally I think you should just let it go and send cards to everyone. Just be happy that you got married, weddings should really not be about presents.

Chinafoot

lazygal wrote: »

I don't think a card is too much to ask.

Well given the thread title I think it's safe to say that cards are not the focus on the OP's attention.

As mikemac suggested, if they only gave cards the OP most likely wouldn't have been best pleased with that either.

sollar

amigreedy wrote: »

Is this really bad? .

I think it is scabby to say the least. I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding and not giving a gift/money and a card.

Send them the card with a thank you for the gift written on it.

LegacyUser

If people can afford to attend a wedding, then they can afford a gift...
when my sister got married, I was unemployed. I still gave them a fairly decent cash gift which they were taken aback with. My other siblings (all with great jobs and well off) gave her NOTHING. I was digusted.
My mum later told me that quite a few guests didn't give them anything and when they went to pay the hotel bill (they paid for a round for all the guests) people took the complete pi$$ with the orders. Triple shots, expensive champagne etc.

Distorted

I've never been to a wedding reception and not given the couple of a gift and a card - I'd feel really rude and bad mannered if I didn't. If I was really in dire financial straits and simply couldn't afford a gift of any kind, I'd still give a card - its basic manners and a nice memento. I think its really rude of them OP.

Acoshla

Guestabc wrote: »

If people can afford to attend a wedding, then they can afford a gift...

That makes no sense whatsoever!

LegacyUser

If i had a party, invited my mates, but when they arrived, i grumbled that they didnt all give me a few quid when they came in the door, what would you think of me?

Same deal here. You invited people to celebrate in your special event (party if you will).
They came. Be happy the people you wanted there turned up to celebrate.

Dont be expecting these people to fork out anything for the privilege of turning up.

Did your invite specify "gift required", or "minimum of a thank you card required" ?
If you wanted it, then why not specify it? because it sounds rude?
how is it not rude to expect a gift?

Grow up.

King of Kings

it's really rude to go to a wedding and not give a gift.

It's not a rule but it would be the social norm to do and anybody (unless they're poverty stricken ) who does is a scab.

How many people on here saying "you don't have to give a gift" actually have taken their own advise in the past.
Not many I'd assume.

grow_up_OP wrote: »

If i had a party, invited my mates, but when they arrived, i grumbled that they didnt all give me a few quid when they came in the door, what would you think of me?
.

If you had a party and your mates didn't bring a bottle of wine or some food - you would be right in thinking they are scabby.

( assuming you're having a party and not a session where they turn up to yoru house to drink their own beer)

Sooopie

amigreedy wrote: »

Want to go anon.

Married a couple of months and herself and me are sending out thank you cards to our guests. There are several people invited to and who attended the whole day who've given us nothing. One couple said "we must drop it up" after the wedding but haven't heard a word from them and we've seen them out socially since.

Is this really bad? I'm a bit annoyed they didn't even give a card, we didn't have a gift list or anything and none of the non gifters are out of work, so I'm at a loss why they couldn't even give a card.

`

i think thats a bit mean

would never dream of going to a wedding and not giving a present

iguana

Standard etiquette is that guests have 1 year to give a gift, so if you only got married a few months ago you have no idea who does or doesn't intend giving something over the next 7/8 months.

blue5000

Some guests may have left a card with a gift inside at the hotel reception, these can dissappear, as already said above times are hard. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it if a few ppl who are hard pressed didn't buy a gift, but it is not the norm.

As Brendan Grace sez ' deres a few ppl here who didn't give a present, dere the ones who got no dinner'

implausible

Guys, it's all very well to accuse the OP of being materialistic and spoilt, but you have to bear in mind that the tradition in this country is that you bring a card and/or a gift to a wedding that you're invited to. In fact, I would bring a gift to most parties and I'd rarely turn up to a friend's house without at least a packet of biscuits as my mother would say, "you can't turn up with one arm as along as the other". If I couldn't afford to give a present, I probably wouldn't attend the wedding. If I couldn't give a cash gift, I'd something cheaper or pass on/recycle a gift.

Did those who didn't give a gift turn up wearing nice dresses/suits, have their hair done and buy drink all night? If not, then maybe they are genuinely skint.

As for sending out cards, send ones with "Thank you for attending" and "Thank you for your gift" on them.

woodchuck

Money is generally very tight for everyone these days. They may have had to choose between being able to afford to go to the wedding and giving you a decent gift. Surely you preferred having them there to celebrate the occasion instead of sending you money in the post?

I know some people are saying it’s rude not to give a present… but it’s not like showing up to a house party with a bottle of wine or nibbles. When presents are given at a wedding, the expectations are MUCH higher and the reality is that some people can’t afford it. But what do you expect people to do, just not go if they can’t bring a present?!?

And a lot of people would choose giving no present over giving what they’d consider to be a crap present (just a card, or something very small/cheap). Giving something so small could make them feel embarrassed that they couldn’t give more, whereas no present could be interpreted as an oversight, that they might give one at a later date or that it got lost/misplaced on the day.

OS119

King of Kings wrote: »

it's really rude to go to a wedding and not give a gift....

it could also be excrutiatingly embarrassing to broadcast to the world - by giving a card with no gift - that you can't afford to give a gift.

failing to give a gift and a card - with the promise of 'we'll pop it round later' - could be seen as absent mindedness, however giving a card, but not a gift, gives no wiggle room, no 'on the other hand', its final and absolute - and it says you're skint.

personally i would prefer a card to a gift, but i understand how, if you're in the position of being skint, you might well think that playing the absent minded card might hide your relative poverty - and make no mistake, the vast majority of people will go to extra-ordinary lengths to hide the fact that they can no longer spend money the way they used to be able to.

OP, you may well find that a couple spent the best part of €600 (outfits, grooming, travel, accommodation, drink etc...) to go to your wedding, €600 that probably wasn't burning a hole in their pockets, and could of been better spent reparing the car, or going towards a new boiler - it is entirely likely that even if they are both working, they simply did not have the money to give you the kind of gift they felt was approriate, so they chose to hide their embarrassment in the post-wedding fog.

Neyite

It never fails to amaze me when people say "but they work" when they expect a couple to fork out. You have absolutely no idea of what kind of bills that they are facing on much reduced pay.

We were never in flashy jobs pre-recession. My partner and I both work, but we are totally skint every month, - both of us got walloped with paycuts, then taxes, and our home still costs the same every month, but our petrol has gone way up,My car was off the road for 7months as I couldnt tax it. ESB, and Gas has also gone up. The vast majority of people are in this position, and we are the lucky ones, because we still have some shape of an income.

We are also attending a fertility clinic, which we have scimped and saved for, and spent thousands with more to go. Even my own mother thinks we must be wasteful since "we both work" and have not had a holiday this year, but I cant tell her the real reason, you can be damned sure I am not sharing it with people that I am not as close to as my mother.

Thankfully we have had no weddings this year, but if we did, I might have to pretend that a card went missing in the post to the couple. If I gave an empty card it would be a red flag that we are struggling, and maybe I dont want people to know that.

As for spending a fortune on an outfit - I dont even have the cash to do that, its all recycling these days.

Be gracious, and understanding of the lack of gift - you dont know why they didnt - they could be just tightwads, in which case, let them off, or they could have massive bills, in which case, silently forgive them.

I am a friend

I would turn down an invite to a wedding rather than show up with no intention of buying a gift.

byhookorbycrook

A present/gift is a choice, if you wanted a subscribrition why not go the whole hog and sell tickets??Or as I heard of not so long ago have a visa swipe thing on the way into the function room.

mikemac

Maybe go the whole way OP and post a card and give your bank a/c and sort code.
Setup a paypal account too

Getting an invite to a wedding is like a letter from the taxman with the expense involved in attending
As said, maybe they are bothered by handing a card with no cash so they hope you will just drop it and forget about it

woodchuck

I am a friend wrote: »

I would turn down an invite to a wedding rather than show up with no intention of buying a gift.

Even if it's for a close friend or relative that you know would be upset by your absence?

What's more disappointing to the married couple; no guests or no presents?!

OS119

I am a friend wrote: »

I would turn down an invite to a wedding rather than show up with no intention of buying a gift.

personally, if you were a close enough friend for me to invite you to my wedding, i'd far rather you attended empty handed than not attend - and i'd be bloody offended that any friend of mine thought for one second that i might look askanse at anyone who attended without a gift.

if you turned up half-cut or in a tracksuit, then i'd be unhappy - but i couldn't care less about a gift.

Chinafoot

deemark wrote: »

Guys, it's all very well to accuse the OP of being materialistic and spoilt, but you have to bear in mind that the tradition in this country is that you bring a card and/or a gift to a wedding that you're invited to.

It may be tradition to give a gift but it most definitely should never be a tradition to expect one. Giving out on a message board about people accepting the invitation to your wedding (which is not exactly free for the guest) and not giving a gift is being spoilt and materialistic. A gift should be a bonus, particularly in these economic times. I'm fully employed but I most certainly could not afford to pay all of my bills, the expense of attending a wedding and a decent gift. From the outside its so easy to say "But she has a job", but nobody but me has any idea of where my money needs to go. Giving out that people took time and effort and expense to celebrate your marriage but not provide a gift is ungrateful in the extreme.

I would much rather have people I care about celebrate my marriage with me than have them at home refusing to come because they can't afford a present. Judging by previous threads on here plenty of couples these days seem to expect their guests to foot the bill for the cost of their wedding - asking for cash only, asking for a set amount, opening a special bank account. Its absolutely sickening.

OP, be grateful that people made an effort to come to your wedding and send them a card to say thank you. Perhaps have a look at your priorities while you're at it.

I am a friend

woodchuck wrote: »

Even if it's for a close friend or relative that you know would be upset by your absence?

What's more disappointing to the married couple; no guests or no presents?!

Op was talking about friends so they are prob not relatives and we don't know if they are close. If they were close to me I would explain Why i couldn't go.

If people are that broke they could go to the wedding, not drink and buy a small gift.

I do though hate the greediness and self entitlement a lot of Irish brides put out. The day is really only special for the couple, some family andmaybe a few friendsbut they don't seem to get it.

Lollipops23

My best friend got married when I had just finished college and on the dole. She made it clear that she did not expect any gifts (especially from the wedding party, which I was in) but I wanted to get her something.

It's certainly odd for people to go to a wedding with no gift whatsoever- I factor a gift into my saving for a wedding that's coming up (the great thing about weddings is that you tend to know a year in advance), and even if it's just a small token you know it will be appreciated. I don't think the OP is bemoaning the lack of flash gifts and money given, it's the thoughtlessness demonstrated by some guests. I would rather not go than give nothing at all- if it were someone I was very close to and who would miss me at their wedding, I'd hope I could be close enough to them to explain my circumstances.

LegacyUser

If the came to the wedding they should supply a gift to pay for their meal, or else not have turned up. I agree with some of the posts here, but seriously there's no such thing as a free meal these days.

Katgurl

Hey,

I have given presents to ppl a year after their wedding. I usually say somehting to them though so they know its on the way.

Yes I think its rude. No I don't think you have a right to be annoyed.

zxcvbnm1

Neyite wrote: »

It never fails to amaze me when people say "but they work" when they expect a couple to fork out. You have absolutely no idea of what kind of bills that they are facing on much reduced pay.

We were never in flashy jobs pre-recession. My partner and I both work, but we are totally skint every month, - both of us got walloped with paycuts, then taxes, and our home still costs the same every month, but our petrol has gone way up,My car was off the road for 7months as I couldnt tax it. ESB, and Gas has also gone up. The vast majority of people are in this position, and we are the lucky ones, because we still have some shape of an income.

We are also attending a fertility clinic, which we have scimped and saved for, and spent thousands with more to go. Even my own mother thinks we must be wasteful since "we both work" and have not had a holiday this year, but I cant tell her the real reason, you can be damned sure I am not sharing it with people that I am not as close to as my mother.

Thankfully we have had no weddings this year, but if we did, I might have to pretend that a card went missing in the post to the couple. If I gave an empty card it would be a red flag that we are struggling, and maybe I dont want people to know that.

As for spending a fortune on an outfit - I dont even have the cash to do that, its all recycling these days.

Be gracious, and understanding of the lack of gift - you dont know why they didnt - they could be just tightwads, in which case, let them off, or they could have massive bills, in which case, silently forgive them.

Ah come on - the people the OP is referring to have an income.

They surely can afford €50 or something along those lines. €50 won't kill anyone that is working

And yes - they tiurned up, paid for a hotel, and we are in a recession and blah blah blah.
Come down from your ivory tower people !!

You have to be really cheap not to give some sort of a present. Like - €50 ??? Surely anyone that is working can afford that if they want to.
Personally I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding and not giving something. I'm surprised so many people think this is OK.

OP - I am with you. Coming onto this forum was always going to give the inevitable replies that people are giving.

I can assure you if these other posters were in your position they would also be miffed - regardless of what they say here.

zxcvbnm1

iguana wrote: »

Standard etiquette is that guests have 1 year to give a gift, so if you only got married a few months ago you have no idea who does or doesn't intend giving something over the next 7/8 months.

Completely wrong. Standard etiquette is that you give it in or around the time of the wedding itself.

I think you might be mixing it up with grieving for a loved one.,

woodchuck

I am a friend wrote: »

If people are that broke they could go to the wedding, not drink and buy a small gift.

I agree that if someone can afford to spend the whole night drinking then it’s poor form that they didn’t bring a present (although it should still not be expected!). The problem is that there are two types of people who wouldn’t give a present: ‘scabs’ who are trying to get away with it and those who genuinely can’t afford it. The latter group is on the rise and it’s getting increasingly more difficult to distinguish between the two groups. People generally keep their finances to themselves, particularly if they’re struggling.

Having a job wouldn’t make a difference… there are some people on social welfare with more disposable income than people with jobs.

There are additional expenses in the run up to the wedding that these people probably would’ve had to pay for too, so it’s not just a matter of saving up for a wedding present. Engagement party/present and hen/stag night/weekends are the obvious ones. Add that top of travel/accommodation to attend the wedding and possible childcare arrangements and people may not be able to find an additional 50euro for a present.

billwillie wrote: »

If the came to the wedding they should supply a gift to pay for their meal, or else not have turned up.

If the couple getting married can’t afford to buy dinner for all the guests they’ve invited, then they should cut down the guest list. The amount of people that basically expect their guests to foot the bill for their wedding is unreal!

tbh

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

Completely wrong

completely right actually, in fact, it used to be considered rude to bring presents to a wedding.

moco

OS119 wrote: »

it could also be excrutiatingly embarrassing to broadcast to the world - by giving a card with no gift - that you can't afford to give a gift.

failing to give a gift and a card - with the promise of 'we'll pop it round later' - could be seen as absent mindedness, however giving a card, but not a gift, gives no wiggle room, no 'on the other hand', its final and absolute - and it says you're skint.

personally i would prefer a card to a gift, but i understand how, if you're in the position of being skint, you might well think that playing the absent minded card might hide your relative poverty - and make no mistake, the vast majority of people will go to extra-ordinary lengths to hide the fact that they can no longer spend money the way they used to be able to.

OP, you may well find that a couple spent the best part of €600 (outfits, grooming, travel, accommodation, drink etc...) to go to your wedding, €600 that probably wasn't burning a hole in their pockets, and could of been better spent reparing the car, or going towards a new boiler - it is entirely likely that even if they are both working, they simply did not have the money to give you the kind of gift they felt was approriate, so they chose to hide their embarrassment in the post-wedding fog.

Sorry but if I was going to a wedding and had €600 to soend on grooming, outfits, drink etc, I'd be cutting back on everything and making getting them a present a priority.

Distorted

deemark wrote: »

Guys, it's all very well to accuse the OP of being materialistic and spoilt, but you have to bear in mind that the tradition in this country is that you bring a card and/or a gift to a wedding that you're invited to. In fact, I would bring a gift to most parties

Well, yes. But I guess this thread shows that there are plenty of people about who don't share the same appreciation of manners.

Not even a card though - honestly! I'd be pretty taken aback at that. As for not giving just a card on its own so as not to broadcast lack of funds, surely that is only broadcasting a lack of consideration for the newly married couple and your own lack of manners, rather than a lack of funds, as well as a total disregard for the couple's feelings? If I totally lacked any funds, I think I would feel myself obliged to apologise for the lack of gift to one of the couple at the meal/reception I was enjoying at their largesse.

But then I guess I don't think so highly of my own presence that I consider it a gift on its own!

Ickle Magoo

I'd have to agree with SF, while I would never turn up to a wedding empty handed/having bought the couple something and sent it to them; I wouldn't get overly worked up about this OP. You had a lovely wedding, these people thought enough of you to want to put the time, money and effort into attending, take solace from that and don't let the fact you haven't/didn't get presents from some tarnish anything.

I appreciate that it doesn't take much to get a card and a bottle of bubbly or whatever but it's just not worth getting upset or resentful over - some people are very leisurely about getting gifts, whether out of forgetfulness, laziness or lack of mean, I don't know. We got one wedding gift just in time for our first wedding anniversary - and it was a lovely surprise! I like to think of wedding gifts as an added bonus on top of having the people you love and respect sharing your big day - it shouldn't be obligatory and it certainly shouldn't be causing resentment if they aren't forthcoming.

Anyway, what's the alternative? Get resentful and demand they cough up? Just let it go and move on OP.

All the best. :cool:

dearg lady

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

Ah come on - the people the OP is referring to have an income.

They surely can afford €50 or something along those lines. €50 won't kill anyone that is working

And yes - they tiurned up, paid for a hotel, and we are in a recession and blah blah blah.
Come down from your ivory tower people !!

You have to be really cheap not to give some sort of a present. Like - €50 ??? Surely anyone that is working can afford that if they want to.
Personally I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding and not giving something. I'm surprised so many people think this is OK.

OP - I am with you. Coming onto this forum was always going to give the inevitable replies that people are giving.

I can assure you if these other posters were in your position they would also be miffed - regardless of what they say here.

Have you ever had to genuinely live on the breadline? I seriously doubt it. 50 euro is a huge amount of money for someone who is struggling.
I'd be the type of person who wouldn't ever really show up empty handed for a party (never been to a wedding yet) but I wouldn't be at all bothered if people showed up without a present for me. But then again, I tried to convince my family not to get me a birthday present, so I guess I'm just someone who doesn't care about presents.

Tbh, the many threads on this issue is making me wish I never have to go to a wedding, the greed, the expectation, it's disgusting. (Btw, thats more from the people replying, than the OP)

OS119

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

Ah come on - the people the OP is referring to have an income.

They surely can afford €50 or something along those lines. €50 won't kill anyone that is working...

sadly, you have absolutely no concept of how close a significant minority of the working people in Ireland are to having no discretionary spending capability whatsoever.

that means that when they've paid the bills they can't get out of, fed, clothed and housed themselves they have absolutely no money left - at all. i know - personally - people who will run out of money a week before their monthly pay day. they will only eat whats in the cupboard and freezer, they can't buy petrol, they can't get take-aways, they can't go the cinema, and they will hope to hell that they don't run out of nappies or SMA in that week - they certainly do not have €50 burning a hole in their pocket. they will be in the same situation month-in and month-out, they have no opportunity to save up, and there is nothing left to cut back on.

there will be people in your office to today who will end the month with the change in their pockets - and not people who paid €300,000 for a non-existant apartment in a country they couldn't find on a map, or with a BMW X5 sat outside that they can't really afford, just normal people who'se incomes have dropped by 25% while their taxes have gone up, fuel has gone up 20%, food has gone up by 10% at a minimum, and their gas and electric has gone up by 25%.

such ignorance is frightening.

Penny Dreadful

billwillie wrote: »

If the came to the wedding they should supply a gift to pay for their meal, or else not have turned up. I agree with some of the posts here, but seriously there's no such thing as a free meal these days.

If the bride and groom cannot afford to feed their guests themselves then they shouldn't have invited them in the first place.
I find it so crass to invite people to your wedding and expect them to cover the cost of their own invitation. Its so so rude.
Get married don't get married I don't care but if you decide to get married make sure you can afford to pay for your own wedding and not expect your guests to fund it for you.

LegacyUser

OP here, cheers guys.

We had a wedding we budgeted for, we paid for the day with our savings and didn't expect people to "cover their meal". We've mates who are students, they clubbed together and got lovely picture frames, some just gave cards and we genuinely are so grateful for everything we got. We just thought some people not even giving a card was a bit weird, we're just going to thank them for attending but I don't want to be asking people "where's our card".

Stench Blossoms

I went to a wedding before that involved flying abroad and paying for accomadation. I didn't drink at this wedding because I couldn't afford to.

I gave the couple a card with nothing in it and a few weeks after the wedding the groom said ''Don't think I didn't notice you didn't put anything in the card''.

So from now on, unless I can afford to give a gift I wouldn't even bother with a card.

implausible

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I went to a wedding before that involved flying abroad and paying for accomadation. I didn't drink at this wedding because I couldn't afford to.

I gave the couple a card with nothing in it and a few weeks after the wedding the groom said ''Don't think I didn't notice you didn't put anything in the card''.

So from now on, unless I can afford to give a gift I wouldn't even bother with a card.

What a f#cker on so many levels:eek:! Weddings abroad are different - in that case, your presence is your present! And no matter how annoyed you were, you wouldn't say it back to the person!

OS119

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

...I gave the couple a card with nothing in it and a few weeks after the wedding the groom said ''Don't think I didn't notice you didn't put anything in the card''...

astonishing, utterly astonishing.

i hope you slept with his wife and gave her syphallis.

and people wonder why everyone is so cynical about everything to do with weddings.