No gifts from some people after wedding

LegacyUser

Want to go anon.

Married a couple of months and herself and me are sending out thank you cards to our guests. There are several people invited to and who attended the whole day who've given us nothing. One couple said "we must drop it up" after the wedding but haven't heard a word from them and we've seen them out socially since.

Is this really bad? I'm a bit annoyed they didn't even give a card, we didn't have a gift list or anything and none of the non gifters are out of work, so I'm at a loss why they couldn't even give a card.

Cuddlesworth

Why do you deserve a gift for getting married?

byhookorbycrook

It's a gift and therefore a choice. You are not supposed to expect a present.

Chinafoot

If they turned up for the wedding you should send them a thank you card for being there.

If you only want to send cards to those who gave you presents, then go ahead.

I will never understand this obsession with wedding gifts. Weddings are bloody expensive things to attend. Outfit, transport, spending money, possible childcare, sometimes accommodation...maybe those who didn't give you anything genuinely couldn't.

Be thankful that people made the effort to show your support for you and your wife and stop being so bloody materialistic. Getting married doesn't and shouldn't entitle you to anything ffs.

lazygal

I don't think a card is too much to ask. You wouldn't turn up to a party without a bottle of wine or similar. We had some non gift givers at our wedding, which is fair enough as you don't know what financial position people are in, but like the OP I would have loved even a card as we kept them all as a nice momento.

mikemac

If they gave you a card would you be here posting that a card wasn't enough and you wanted cash?

tbh

Be careful. You run the risk of sounding like a spoiled child. You invited them so they could share your day. You didn't invite them just so as they'd bring presents. Did you?

solerina

Its the social norm in this country to give a gift. If the people involved werent working and couldnt afford a gift then a card at least should be given. I think the OP is entitled to be annoyed at the lack of gift/card. I happen to think its bad manners to not even give a card.

lazygal

mikemac wrote: »

If they gave you a card would you be here posting that a card wasn't enough and you wanted cash?

We sent thank you cards to all who attended our wedding, we were delighted to get some beautiful personalized cards from some friends, they could only afford that and we didn't bemoan the lack of a gift. I don't think a card from a €2 shop is going to break the bank of anyone.

Starokan

i would not read to much into it, for a lot of people these days even attending a wedding takes a lot of money that they don't really have.

I know its considered the norm to give a gift but in the current climate i think people can be excused.

I could understand having a problem with not receiving a card, though maybe they felt it would look bad to give one without a gift

LegacyUser

I think giving a wedding is expected, not because the couple feels entitled to a gift, but because it is, as others have posted above, the norm.

Having said that, not everyone follows this tradition, whether because they don't believe in it, are unaware of it, or can't afford it. Sometimes it happens that gifts have gone astray.

OP, send cards to everyone, mentioning the gift specifically if one was received, mentioning only that you are thankful that they were there to share it with you and your OH if there was no gift.

dory

Well, to all those saying they should have at least given a card - the person mightn't have wanted to as an empty card makes it clear that they're not getting you anything. Letting it slide makes it seem like they meant to but never got around to giving it to you.

Personally I think you should just let it go and send cards to everyone. Just be happy that you got married, weddings should really not be about presents.

Chinafoot

lazygal wrote: »

I don't think a card is too much to ask.

Well given the thread title I think it's safe to say that cards are not the focus on the OP's attention.

As mikemac suggested, if they only gave cards the OP most likely wouldn't have been best pleased with that either.

sollar

amigreedy wrote: »

Is this really bad? .

I think it is scabby to say the least. I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding and not giving a gift/money and a card.

Send them the card with a thank you for the gift written on it.

LegacyUser

If people can afford to attend a wedding, then they can afford a gift...
when my sister got married, I was unemployed. I still gave them a fairly decent cash gift which they were taken aback with. My other siblings (all with great jobs and well off) gave her NOTHING. I was digusted.
My mum later told me that quite a few guests didn't give them anything and when they went to pay the hotel bill (they paid for a round for all the guests) people took the complete pi$$ with the orders. Triple shots, expensive champagne etc.

Distorted

I've never been to a wedding reception and not given the couple of a gift and a card - I'd feel really rude and bad mannered if I didn't. If I was really in dire financial straits and simply couldn't afford a gift of any kind, I'd still give a card - its basic manners and a nice memento. I think its really rude of them OP.

Acoshla

Guestabc wrote: »

If people can afford to attend a wedding, then they can afford a gift...

That makes no sense whatsoever!

LegacyUser

If i had a party, invited my mates, but when they arrived, i grumbled that they didnt all give me a few quid when they came in the door, what would you think of me?

Same deal here. You invited people to celebrate in your special event (party if you will).
They came. Be happy the people you wanted there turned up to celebrate.

Dont be expecting these people to fork out anything for the privilege of turning up.

Did your invite specify "gift required", or "minimum of a thank you card required" ?
If you wanted it, then why not specify it? because it sounds rude?
how is it not rude to expect a gift?

Grow up.

King of Kings

it's really rude to go to a wedding and not give a gift.

It's not a rule but it would be the social norm to do and anybody (unless they're poverty stricken ) who does is a scab.

How many people on here saying "you don't have to give a gift" actually have taken their own advise in the past.
Not many I'd assume.

grow_up_OP wrote: »

If i had a party, invited my mates, but when they arrived, i grumbled that they didnt all give me a few quid when they came in the door, what would you think of me?
.

If you had a party and your mates didn't bring a bottle of wine or some food - you would be right in thinking they are scabby.

( assuming you're having a party and not a session where they turn up to yoru house to drink their own beer)

Sooopie

amigreedy wrote: »

Want to go anon.

Married a couple of months and herself and me are sending out thank you cards to our guests. There are several people invited to and who attended the whole day who've given us nothing. One couple said "we must drop it up" after the wedding but haven't heard a word from them and we've seen them out socially since.

Is this really bad? I'm a bit annoyed they didn't even give a card, we didn't have a gift list or anything and none of the non gifters are out of work, so I'm at a loss why they couldn't even give a card.

`

i think thats a bit mean

would never dream of going to a wedding and not giving a present

iguana

Standard etiquette is that guests have 1 year to give a gift, so if you only got married a few months ago you have no idea who does or doesn't intend giving something over the next 7/8 months.

blue5000

Some guests may have left a card with a gift inside at the hotel reception, these can dissappear, as already said above times are hard. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it if a few ppl who are hard pressed didn't buy a gift, but it is not the norm.

As Brendan Grace sez ' deres a few ppl here who didn't give a present, dere the ones who got no dinner'

implausible

Guys, it's all very well to accuse the OP of being materialistic and spoilt, but you have to bear in mind that the tradition in this country is that you bring a card and/or a gift to a wedding that you're invited to. In fact, I would bring a gift to most parties and I'd rarely turn up to a friend's house without at least a packet of biscuits as my mother would say, "you can't turn up with one arm as along as the other". If I couldn't afford to give a present, I probably wouldn't attend the wedding. If I couldn't give a cash gift, I'd something cheaper or pass on/recycle a gift.

Did those who didn't give a gift turn up wearing nice dresses/suits, have their hair done and buy drink all night? If not, then maybe they are genuinely skint.

As for sending out cards, send ones with "Thank you for attending" and "Thank you for your gift" on them.

woodchuck

Money is generally very tight for everyone these days. They may have had to choose between being able to afford to go to the wedding and giving you a decent gift. Surely you preferred having them there to celebrate the occasion instead of sending you money in the post?

I know some people are saying it’s rude not to give a present… but it’s not like showing up to a house party with a bottle of wine or nibbles. When presents are given at a wedding, the expectations are MUCH higher and the reality is that some people can’t afford it. But what do you expect people to do, just not go if they can’t bring a present?!?

And a lot of people would choose giving no present over giving what they’d consider to be a crap present (just a card, or something very small/cheap). Giving something so small could make them feel embarrassed that they couldn’t give more, whereas no present could be interpreted as an oversight, that they might give one at a later date or that it got lost/misplaced on the day.

OS119

King of Kings wrote: »

it's really rude to go to a wedding and not give a gift....

it could also be excrutiatingly embarrassing to broadcast to the world - by giving a card with no gift - that you can't afford to give a gift.

failing to give a gift and a card - with the promise of 'we'll pop it round later' - could be seen as absent mindedness, however giving a card, but not a gift, gives no wiggle room, no 'on the other hand', its final and absolute - and it says you're skint.

personally i would prefer a card to a gift, but i understand how, if you're in the position of being skint, you might well think that playing the absent minded card might hide your relative poverty - and make no mistake, the vast majority of people will go to extra-ordinary lengths to hide the fact that they can no longer spend money the way they used to be able to.

OP, you may well find that a couple spent the best part of €600 (outfits, grooming, travel, accommodation, drink etc...) to go to your wedding, €600 that probably wasn't burning a hole in their pockets, and could of been better spent reparing the car, or going towards a new boiler - it is entirely likely that even if they are both working, they simply did not have the money to give you the kind of gift they felt was approriate, so they chose to hide their embarrassment in the post-wedding fog.

Neyite

It never fails to amaze me when people say "but they work" when they expect a couple to fork out. You have absolutely no idea of what kind of bills that they are facing on much reduced pay.

We were never in flashy jobs pre-recession. My partner and I both work, but we are totally skint every month, - both of us got walloped with paycuts, then taxes, and our home still costs the same every month, but our petrol has gone way up,My car was off the road for 7months as I couldnt tax it. ESB, and Gas has also gone up. The vast majority of people are in this position, and we are the lucky ones, because we still have some shape of an income.

We are also attending a fertility clinic, which we have scimped and saved for, and spent thousands with more to go. Even my own mother thinks we must be wasteful since "we both work" and have not had a holiday this year, but I cant tell her the real reason, you can be damned sure I am not sharing it with people that I am not as close to as my mother.

Thankfully we have had no weddings this year, but if we did, I might have to pretend that a card went missing in the post to the couple. If I gave an empty card it would be a red flag that we are struggling, and maybe I dont want people to know that.

As for spending a fortune on an outfit - I dont even have the cash to do that, its all recycling these days.

Be gracious, and understanding of the lack of gift - you dont know why they didnt - they could be just tightwads, in which case, let them off, or they could have massive bills, in which case, silently forgive them.

I am a friend

I would turn down an invite to a wedding rather than show up with no intention of buying a gift.

byhookorbycrook

A present/gift is a choice, if you wanted a subscribrition why not go the whole hog and sell tickets??Or as I heard of not so long ago have a visa swipe thing on the way into the function room.

mikemac

Maybe go the whole way OP and post a card and give your bank a/c and sort code.
Setup a paypal account too

Getting an invite to a wedding is like a letter from the taxman with the expense involved in attending
As said, maybe they are bothered by handing a card with no cash so they hope you will just drop it and forget about it

woodchuck

I am a friend wrote: »

I would turn down an invite to a wedding rather than show up with no intention of buying a gift.

Even if it's for a close friend or relative that you know would be upset by your absence?

What's more disappointing to the married couple; no guests or no presents?!