His family annoyed I won't take husband's name

LegacyUser

I am recently married. I am keeping my name, husband happy with this. His family are annoyed and upset about this. They told their extended family I would be Mrs Hisname and all our cards, cheques from the wedding are made out to Mr and Mrs and therefore had problems being lodged. They refer to me as Mrs Hisname in company and have said I'm just being stubborn, and not showing that I'm part of their family.

Husband will do anything for a quiet life but his dad especially is wrecking my head, he's a pain most of the time anyway but he's like a dog with a bone on this issue. He also keeps saying we'll have little ones with husbands surnames, and how selfish it is that they won't share their mother's name and that they'll get slagged about it. We want double barrell names but I fear husband will give into his domineering dad.

I don't want to be around them or their attitude.

seamus

You cannot fight a battle with your husband's family. It just doesn't work.

Your husband needs to step up to the mark, tell his family that it's none of their business and is not open for discussion. Your name is whatever it is right now, and to say otherwise is highly disrespectful. Whenever the topic is brought up, he needs to shush them as abruptly as possible, without discussion, to drive the message home.

There is simply no other way without having a big falling out. You are perfectly entitled to not explain yourselves or have to debate your decisions, and his family needs to be told that, by him.

Ickle Magoo

This is a battle between your husband and his family. If they comment to you then ask them to take it up with their son who is perfectly happy with the arrangements and frankly the only person whose opinion on the matter you care about.

It's well to set a bench mark for interfering in-laws early doors - if I were you I'd be sitting down Mr i am me and discussing how annoying you find it, the damage it is doing regarding ever having a reasonably harmonious relationship with his family and insisting he draws a clear boundary ASAP. I've kept my surname and we decided that our kids would not be christened/baptised/insert in-laws religious expectation here - and my husband was able to tell them to back off and keep out far more emphatically without causing WWIII than I ever could. You need to make sure they know you are both part of an adult unit operating separately to them, rather than you have just become another of their children.

All the best

trio

I've kept my surname and everyone knows it.

I've been suprised though by the amount of eyebrows this raises. Not just with the older generation, who you'd expect - but the people my own age.

Friends who've changed their names and feel strongly about it get very prickly - even though it's not exactly a conversation that comes up very often if I can help it! I tend to forget all about it, tbh, and it suprises me when people want to talk about it. Why??

At family weddings, I occasionally find myself down on the Table Plan as "X HisName". I make a joke about it like "there's a strange woman at my seat, lol!" and everyone laughs. But there's no point making too much of a big deal about it - I figure that it's a cultural norm still - and you have to pick your battles. The odd mistake on a table plan doesn't bother me - as long as it's a genuine mistake and not a total intentional F.You.

I tend to avoid any deep conversation about it - that would imply it's up for debate, which it isn't. But if pressed into a corner I find the following line works wonders:

"He married me - he didn't BUY me!"

mikemac

Common enough in work like maybe a teacher and hundreds know you already.

i am me wrote: »

We want double barrell names but I fear husband will give into his domineering dad.

But where does it end?
If you become a grandparent will your grandchildren have double double barrell names

lazygal

mikemac wrote: »

Common enough in work like maybe a teacher and hundreds know you already.



But where does it end?
If you become a grandparent will your grandchildren have double double barrell names

How it that any sort of issue? The OP and her husband have made the decision to have double names, that's not the problem. I kept my name and would be extremely annoyed if I was persistently called a name that is not my own. I am Lazygal Mysurname and will remain so. How would you feel if someone called you by another name?

Penny Dreadful

mikemac wrote: »

Common enough in work like maybe a teacher and hundreds know you already.



But where does it end?
If you become a grandparent will your grandchildren have double double barrell names

Who knows but it doesn't matter. Their children may decide to double barrell themselves or not. I don't really think this is a pressing concern.

seamus

trio wrote: »

I've kept my surname and everyone knows it.

I've been suprised though by the amount of eyebrows this raises. Not just with the older generation, who you'd expect - but the people my own age.

Yep, me too. My wife hasn't taken my name, for various reasons. She says that for things like dealing with teachers and doctors when we have kids, she'll be Mrs seamus for easiness sake, and it doesn't at all bother her when someone addresses her as her married name, but she's keeping her name, and that's the way I like it.

I find it odd that most of the time when someone says, "Oops, I should say Mrs seamus", and we correct them, they always turn to me and ask, "Is that not weird?". Um, no. As trio says, I didn't buy her, I don't own her. I've no reason to be offended about her changing her name (or not).

Thankfully she can be fairly traditional in many ways, so she had already decided that the kids would have my name, we didn't have to negotiate on that.

mikemac wrote: »

But where does it end?
If you become a grandparent will your grandchildren have double double barrell names

That would be up to the children themselves to decide surely
Not a fan of double-barrelled surnames myself, but I see no specific reason why any tradition would have to be carried on. There are tonnes of alternatives.

catch me if you can

Husband will do anything for a quiet life

If this is the case how do you know he agrees with you either? maybe he is hurt you didnt want to take his name.:) sorry just saying!

On seperate note its really up to you guys and no one else.

LegacyUser

All women (in the Western World, at least) take a man's surname, either their husband's or their father's.

As for this case? OP? Stand your ground and leave them at it. You do not have to convince anyone of anything.

seamus

catch me if you can wrote: »

If this is the case how do you know he agrees with you either? maybe he is hurt you didnt want to take his name.:) sorry just saying!

That is a valid point. However, even if he did just agree for the sake of a quiet life, he still agreed. It's too late to change his mind now.
In any case, even if he shares his families ideas, that still doesn't allow his family to have any input on what he has agreed with his wife.

c07

i've never taken my OH's surname. OH has no problem with it. Family couldn't understand it at start but have grown to accept it.
I have no problem with people addressing me either as my surname or his, but all my official documentation is in my own name.
However, all our children will have his name.

His family will grow to accept it, I'm sure. This is what you want, stick to your guns if you feel strongly about it.

I felt it was my identity and I love my own surname, therefore didn't want to change it.

aidan24326

The wife keeping her own surname is becoming much more common, not at all unusual these days (me and gf will be doing this also) and really your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to his parents now and nip this in the bud.

He really needs to be quite blunt with them about this, no pussyfooting around it. You're keeping your own name, it's who you are, and the issue is not open for discussion full stop.

Wolfe Tone

Is your husband an only son?


For many families it is a very big thing to keep the family name alive, I'm not surprised the father is up in arms about it.

LegacyUser

Husband has an older brother, he's not married. Carrying on the family name is not the issue, our children will have both our names. I'll be giving birth so of course I will have my surname for our children as well as his.

How should we deal with this with his father? I am SICK of being called Mrs Hisname.

username123

i am ma wrote: »

Husband has an older brother, he's not married. Carrying on the family name is not the issue, our children will have both our names. I'll be giving birth so of course I will have my surname for our children as well as his.

How should we deal with this with his father? I am SICK of being called Mrs Hisname.

Tell him to sort it out with his family and tell them to back off calling you Mrs Hisname.

Dont respond whenever you are called Mrs Hisname. I wouldnt bother getting in a flap with them, they are looking for a response - dont give them one. Anytime it comes up in conversation, walk off, look bored, say NOTHING - there is nothing to row about if one side refuses to engage.

If they refer to you as Mrs Hisname in company and there is a new person present, tell the new person you have been introduced incorrectly and your name is actually Ms Hername. If the only people present are the usual people who already know youve chosen not to change your name then back to zero response.

Legally you can call yourself whatever you want and so long as all your legal documentation (ID, passport, drivers licence etc...) is in the name you want then thats grand.

I just wouldnt be bothered getting in a flap over it or discussing it with them at all yourself. Its really up to your husband to straighten them out and if he cant do that then youre best to just ignore the whole thing and be Ms Hername without any fuss.

In the interests of consistency Id return any cards/letters from them addressed to Mrs Hisname with 'not known at this address'.

Just as an aside, I didnt have any issues lodging cheques made out to Mrs Hisname after we married - to an account named Ms Hername. The bank just wanted to see my marriage certificate as proof Mrs Hisname referred to me.

Wolfe Tone

i am ma wrote: »

Husband has an older brother, he's not married. Carrying on the family name is not the issue, our children will have both our names. I'll be giving birth so of course I will have my surname for our children as well as his.

How should we deal with this with his father? I am SICK of being called Mrs Hisname.

Having a double barrelled name is not strictly carrying on the name tbh, what happens when those kids get married?

I'm from a small family and its a pretty big, traditional thing, keeping the name alive. I can understand why his dad feels like that if thats the case... Maybe it might be an idea to give the kids the fathers surname? Maybe thats whats at the root of the issue.

lazygal

What if SHE wants to carry on her name? It takes two to make a baby, why wouldn't a mother give a child her name? Me and my husband will have double barrel names when we have kiddies, not even negotiable as far as I'm concerned as a man's name is not of greater historical value than a woman's.

I think the advice to ignore people when they call her Mrs X and act as if she doesn't know who that is is good.

Ickle Magoo

I think the days when children had to appease parents demanding the right to dictate their daughter-in-law or even grand-children's surnames are, quite rightfully, long gone.

It is decision that is for the OP and her husband - no-one else.

Wolfe Tone

lazygal wrote: »

What if SHE wants to carry on her name? It takes two to make a baby, why wouldn't a mother give a child her name? Me and my husband will have double barrel names when we have kiddies, not even negotiable as far as I'm concerned as a man's name is not of greater historical value than a woman's.

I think the advice to ignore people when they call her Mrs X and act as if she doesn't know who that is is good.

What happens when your kids get married and they feel the same and want to carry the name on? They cant have a triple barreled, or quadruple barreled name can they? A name will have to be dropped somewhere along the line.

What you are saying there is a bit ironic, as the chances are your surname is your fathers.

lazygal

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

What happens when your kids get married and they feel the same and want to carry the name on? They cant have a triple barreled, or quadruple barreled name can they? A name will have to be dropped somewhere along the line.

What you are saying there is a bit ironic, as the chances are your surname is your fathers.

Yes, but now it's my name and I want it to continue. My husband has enough cop on to realize its equal for us to give OUR children BOTH our names, as we BOTH create them. You're not making any real point, TBH, and the OP and her husband have made their decision on this, her issue is how to stop her relatives calling her by a name that she is not known by. How would you feel if you were called John even though your name was Paul?

Wolfe Tone

lazygal wrote: »

Yes, but now it's my name and I want it to continue. My husband has enough cop on to realize its equal for us to give OUR children BOTH our names, as we BOTH create them. You're not making any real point, TBH, and the OP and her husband have made their decision on this, her issue is how to stop her relatives calling her by a name that she is not known by. How would you feel if you were called John even though your name was Paul?

The point I'm making is that double barreling the names may lead to a situation where the name isn't carried on, for some this may seem trivial, but for others it is very important. For instance if the kids wouldn't take my surname I would see little point in actually getting married.

Maybe its just me, but from the OP it sounds like the husband hasn't made up his mind "will do anything for a quiet life" so chances are he could be agreeing with his wife, then with his dad, he needs to speak up.

I think this is more about the kids surnames than about the wifes tbh!


Anyway OP, best of luck, I guess some people need to learn that not everyone likes time honored traditions!

jimmycrackcorm

lazygal wrote: »

What if SHE wants to carry on her name? It takes two to make a baby, why wouldn't a mother give a child her name? Me and my husband will have double barrel names when we have kiddies, not even negotiable as far as I'm concerned as a man's name is not of greater historical value than a woman's..

Double Barrell names for the kids are a silly notion and I laugh at some of those I know of. What happens when a kid with a double barrel name grows up, marries and has kids - will they get triple or quadruple surnames? It's a sensible tradition to take either the fathers or the mothers surname and seeing as there is a forename and surname to choose, there could be a compromise on who gets to pick which.

kylith

My brother's fiancé was asking me this the other night. I told her that whilst I would probably take my husband's name it was completely her decision. Other of my brother's wives have kept their own names and, as fas as I'm concerned, anyone who disagrees with them can go hang.

Ickle Magoo

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Double Barrell names for the kids are a silly notion and I laugh at some of those I know of. What happens when a kid with a double barrel name grows up, marries and has kids - will they get triple or quadruple surnames? It's a sensible tradition to take either the fathers or the mothers surname and seeing as there is a forename and surname to choose, there could be a compromise on who gets to pick which.

I laugh at some names that people choose to keep or take on due to time honoured tradition - that's neither here nor there, really.

What happens when someone with a double barrelled name marries? They get to choose what name they take/keep when they are married - and what name their children have is between them and their husband/wife. That's the whole point. Nobody should be dictating name changes and what you name your children. In fact, if double-barrelled is an issue, he can take her name - sorts it all out.

Sleepy

Are you sure they're not just winding you up OP?

With the way you go on about insisting any children are saddled with double-barrel names, you seem quite militant about it and, tbh, were you my sister-in-law I'm not sure I could resist a few needles on the subject.

God in heaven people who cares what names they give the kids. This isn't an academic debate, it's an aggressive annoying in-law family who don't know when to mind their own business and keep their mouths shut. She is entitled to whatever name she wants and what names THEY give the kids is between them so why don't you just drop it.

OP I would also suggest a word to the husband is the only way to go
If someone calls you mrs hisname, then just ignore them or say "who is that" until they have to call your actual name

Lyn256

I haven't and won't change my name because it is MY name.
My kids have their dads surname and we're all happy with that. (No double barrels it would be waaaay too much of a mouthful)

I have an unusual last name, I like it and I've had it for the last 38 years-while I love my hubbie dearly, I've always said that I would not change my name.

I'm not being particularly feminist or making a point other than its my name, I like it and I don't ever want to change it.

Its really not anyone else's business only you and your hubbies!

seenitall

Sleepy wrote: »

Are you sure they're not just winding you up OP?

With the way you go on about insisting any children are saddled with double-barrel names, you seem quite militant about it and, tbh, were you my sister-in-law I'm not sure I could resist a few needles on the subject.

WTF? Looks like more than the in-laws' prejudice on tradition showing up on this thread...

... ignore it as well as the one in your family, OP. It will all blow over eventually; as has been pointed out, just answer to your own name and be consistent with it - unless the smartasses are particularly malicious and intent on alienating you from the family (which I doubt), they will just tire of it all at some point.

later12

Sorry but i can kind of see the family's point on this.

My own Mum didn't take my Dad's name - probably selfishly as I think she admits - and made sure all of their children bore her surname and not his. It caused a fairly tense animosity within the family at the time, and I don't think that was ever resolved before my grandparents passed away, it is likely still a lingering slight amongst aunts and uncles.

In my opinion the only people this has a real effect on are the children. My paternal relatives would send us birthday cards with our paternal surname just to be obtuse, or would inscribe gifts to the same effect, and it became a clear and tangible mark of division. For what? A name? a petty disagreement between adults who should have known better.

I would say if you want to keep your own name, that's your own business. But try not to drag your children into the matter - they have nothing to do with self important name tags and likely don't care very much either way unless they see you guys make a big deal about it.

Also consider sometimes a family may have a genuine reason for wanting their offspring to continue the family name. After all there is nothing inherently wrong in family pride, or wanting to continue the line of family history. And, indeed, sometimes there is a fair enough case to be made for compliance with social tradition - neglecting your husbands surname may be seen as a gesture of insufficiency, which is a slight that can cut pretty deeply within families. Is it worth it?

later10

later10 wrote: »

In my opinion the only people this has a real effect on are the children. My paternal relatives would send us birthday cards with our paternal surname just to be obtuse, or would inscribe gifts to the same effect, and it became a clear and tangible mark of division. For what? A name? a petty disagreement between adults who should have known better.

That's their fault, not hers for not falling in line.

The number of people going on about the poor children :rolleyes: