GF and her weight

LegacyUser

Hi, going to give the short version as i could go on for ages.

My gf of 5 years has steadily gained weight over the years. I still love her but - i am a neathertal man n' all (yes please shoot me) but the increase in weight especially around certain areas are a real turn off for me...

Before you shoot me - i'm more turned off by her resistance/blindness to lose weight and doesn't seem to think it a factor in our, now terrible sex life.

We've had a tumultous year where there was a few breakups and breakdowns but i'm really at my wits end as i'm a very 'sexual' man (basically i like sex is what i mean) and want to have it with a fit enough person while i'm still in my 20s.

I believe i haven't said 'i do' yet and i think it's her responcibilty to 'hold her end of the bargain' in the weight dept as i do...

I also see this 'bargin-holding' in eastern europeans and foreigners in general and think men be men men at the end of the day - and women should be women too.

I have struggled with my weight in the past - it's hard, but i got it down, it's within the borders of my control so i can do something about it, it's not an external factor.

There's more but i don't want to overstay my welcome...

I am a friend

Op if you don't fancy her then you just don't fancy her. If you have discussed this with her and she is happy as she is then there is no middle ground. Sex is what differentiates friends / flatmates from lovers / partners and if you don't want to have sex with her then it's a dead end relationship IMHO

LegacyUser

You've been together 5 years so you should have had your fair share of up's and downs. You have supported and loved each other?? Your GF has put on weight which is very common due to birth control, getting older, comfort eating etc. don't beret her for this. Why don't you gently suggest going for walks/jogs in the evening after work together or suggest you spend the day in the Phoneix park on bikes etc. Has she said anything about the weight gain? It sounds like she is aware of this. This is your time to be supportive.If you are this shallow ,what do you think it will be like if you have children? think carefully about this. The Grass is not always greener.

Morbert

OP, is it the result of external factors like post-pregnancy or birth-control? If it is simply due to lack of self-discipline then I would gently suggest, as Sinead has already mentioned, some exercise routines. Exercising with her would make it a million times easier for her, and can only be beneficial for you.

If she is unwilling to do anything about her weight because she is happy with how she looks, then that is her right, but I would recommend moving on and finding someone on your wavelength.

Virgil°

I wouldn't "gently" suggest anything to be honest. I'm assuming here but from your post it sounds like you've already tried this.
I'd tell her exactly how serious you are about this, tell her you love her but you can't abide her lack of respect for you by putting on weight and not acknowledging it. Make it clear to her that she risks losing you if this continues. Suggest ways in which she can lose weight with you and tell her you'll support her through it.
And if it doesn't change then be prepared to follow through.

Esoteric_

I can understand where you're coming from, OP. I once dated a guy who was very big to start with, but I was fine with how he was and fancied him how he was. When he ate sh!te and stopped caring, he gained a few stone and I just did not fancy him anymore. I did mention it gently a few times that he could do with losing some weight, but it fell on deaf ears.

When I started dating my OH a year ago, I was a size 22 and over the 18 stone mark. I lost weight steadily until I got down to a size 14 on top, 16 on bottom and am under the 13 stone mark now, but still need to lose another stone and a half. My boyfriend liked me at my original weight, but loves my body now that it's more toned and not fat. I'm still chubby but have a fairly decent figure. Anyway, I was laid up after an accident for a few months recently and as a result, I gained about half a stone from lack of exercise. He still found me just as attractive because he had fancied me when I was a lot bigger, but he did mention it gently because he knew how unhappy I was with my weight when we first got together. As soon as I was allowed out of bed again, I started exercising and the half stone (and a little more) flew off.

Your girlfriend clearly isn't taking the hint in this situation though. I told my ex bluntly to lose weight, and my current boyfriend mentioned gently that I had gained back some weight, with no judgement, just worry for my own confidence. The gentle approach worked on me, as I knew I had gained half a stone and was unhappy, but even the blunt approach didn't work on my ex, and now, a year and a half on, he is even bigger than when we broke up.

You need to tell your girlfriend straight out that you don't find the excess weight a turn on. I wouldn't do what someone else suggested and say she might lose you over it, but I'd make it very clear that you're not as attracted to her as you were and that aside from that, you want her to be happy and healthy and would like to help her with it. If that doesn't work, why stick around with someone who wants no help, when you've tried your best?

At the end of the day, you can't force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone.

WANTStoWORK

not registered wrote: »

Hi, going to give the short version as i could go on for ages.

My gf of 5 years has steadily gained weight over the years. I still love her but - i am a neathertal man n' all (yes please shoot me) but the increase in weight especially around certain areas are a real turn off for me...

Before you shoot me - i'm more turned off by her resistance/blindness to lose weight and doesn't seem to think it a factor in our, now terrible sex life.

We've had a tumultous year where there was a few breakups and breakdowns but i'm really at my wits end as i'm a very 'sexual' man (basically i like sex is what i mean) and want to have it with a fit enough person while i'm still in my 20s.

I believe i haven't said 'i do' yet and i think it's her responcibilty to 'hold her end of the bargain' in the weight dept as i do...

I also see this 'bargin-holding' in eastern europeans and foreigners in general and think men be men men at the end of the day - and women should be women too.

I have struggled with my weight in the past - it's hard, but i got it down, it's within the borders of my control so i can do something about it, it's not an external factor.

There's more but i don't want to overstay my welcome...

Do you know I honestly feel very sorry for your GF, perhaps you should go out 'east' and get your 'perfect woman', this woman would be better off without you and I am sure a lot more happier with a guy who really cares about her, you sound like a complete aras hole :rolleyes:

WANTStoWORK

Hi Lynda.
You are obviously not a very happy and contented person, your BF clicks his fingers and says that you are too fat for him and you say 'yes boss' i'll loose weight for you 'boss'. He says that he was thinking of you when he asked you to loose weight, (not thinking of himself at all I suppose). So if you gain say a stone over the coming months will you guys break up? how shallow.

Esoteric_

WANTStoWORK wrote: »

Hi Lynda.
You are obviously not a very happy and contented person, your BF clicks his fingers and says that you are too fat for him and you say 'yes boss' i'll loose weight for you 'boss'. He says that he was thinking of you when he asked you to loose weight, (not thinking of himself at all I suppose). So if you gain say a stone over the coming months will you guys break up? how shallow.

I'm an extremely happy person now. I was not when I was 18 stone. My boyfriend knew this so NICELY mentioned it to me when I'd gained weight, just as I did when he gained weight because I knew he wasn't happy with his weight either. He didn't tell or ask me to lose weight. He loved me when I was fat and he loves me the way I am now, thank you. If I gain back the 5 and a half stone I lost next week, he'd stay with me. He said it because he knew I would WANT him to say it. Oh and he never has and never would call me fat. He loves every inch of my body, thank you.

Believe it or not, sexual attraction is NECESSARY for a relationship to survive, whether you find that shallow or not, which is what I was trying to stress to the OP. And now, I'll stop going off topic and de-railing this thread.

Canluum

I feel sorry for you OP, it's a tough situation.

I would liken this to being very similar to someone who doesn't maintain personal hygiene. Both are as a result of bad habits and indicate a lack of respect for herself and for you.

My gf and I try to stay in shape for ourselves and for eachother. One of us might gain a kilo or two during a holidays or a period of stress, and we joke about it, just like we might joke about being a bit smelly after the gym or camping or something. It's funny because there's a mutual awareness that these are only temporary blips... and the standards we hold ourselves to are much higher than what we expect from eachother.

If she completely lacks awareness, and she doesn't take you up on your hints then there's not a lot you can do. If you do hold out the possibility of making it work then it does at least let her know that it's bothering you before you decide to break up. Give her the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to do something about it. She'd have to lose it herself though, if you make her it either won't work or won't last. If she does take the initiative, you should be as encouraging as possible.

Failing that, it's completely understandable if you want out of the relationship... you've lost attraction, you feel like you're missing out on good experiences. Cut the cord and go out and live your life free of the depressing shackles. I can tell you that some breakups I've had (some I didn't even choose) were the best things that have ever happened to me. Usually within a relationship you're blind to the poison... not so after.

On your "eastern" comment, try to remember the grass is always greener... also probably best practice to refrain from making cultural stereotypes when it comes to relationships.

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks.

Emme

OP, has your gf had her health checked recently? The weight gain could be due to post-natal issues or due to a thyroid imbalance. If she can't lose weight the normal way (eating well and exercising) then this could be the problem.

Let her know that she has a responsibility to look after herself for the sake of her own health. There are a lot of obesity-related health problems and if she's fat in her 20s and does nothing about it then what will she be like when she gets older? I agree that she should look after herself for you as well, laziness isn't attractive, but for the sake of her health it isn't good for her to be fat.

I take it she's significantly overweight, say size 18+ and hasn't just gone up from a size 8 to a size 14. If she is a healthy weight for her size and you don't find her attractive because she has gone up from a size 8 to a size 12 or 14 then it's a different story.

cocokay

i am wondering if u are my boyfriend!!!! we are together 5 yrs and i have gone from a size 10 to a 14, i DO comfort eat sometimes but am quite active too. and our $ex life is pretty bad, i don't think he fancies me at all anymore! my bf hasn't said anything about my weight to me though, have u said it to YOUR partner??

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, although i don't know how you can validate that.

It's a very touchy subject and i have raised it directly to her. I have dropped hints but she's smart so they're weak hints, which i think she gets but ignores.

I think she thinks that once you're in love that's it - job done.

I can take the daggers from a few of the previous posters - i really don't mind that, i can take it, i'm living with it.

I've said to her to go off her birth control if that'd help 'getting results from the gym' as we go to the gym, but she just walks and dosses in the pool.

I actually like a bit of weight on women, once it's all in the right place. And as i said, i'm more turned off by the attitude than the weight.

Actually had a breakthru last night when she asked me about my weight loss and should she think about it, i said i'd help her, but as a previous poster said, i can only help and not judge or tut when she opts to miss the gym or whatever.

I'm sorry about the racial stereotyping in my original post, it was a mere illustration of why i was talkin about the 'bargain'.
To all the nay-sayers, if i was married and we had kids, i'd keep my mouth shut and live with it, but i HAVEN'T said 'i do' yet, she HASN'T had kids yet, in fact from writing this mail, i think i'm more put out that she's content on me maybe going up in weight - she'd be ok with it. I'd rather her to point it out to me and keep me on my toes for the full sexual enjoyment stakes than securit and 'having a laugh' - yes i might be crazy, but sex to me is big and i think that's normal enough?

danslevent

Are you still attracted to the girl even a bit despite the weight?

I know how you feel though. I went out with a guy before who refused to wash himself more regularly. He would always smell and have greasy hair. It wasn't like that at the start but it was like he stopped caring. I passed subtle hints at first but by the end I was telling him out straight that he smelled. He still didn't shower more regularly and this was an extra push in our break up.

I think if this girl still isn't bothering to make an effort then it does show a lot of laziness on her behalf and a lack of respect, as someone previously mentioned. It is hard to believe that someone you are supposed to be getting intimate and close with doesn't feel the need to maintain an attractive enough exterior. I know I always put in effort and tried to at least be clean for my partners!

Emme

not registered wrote: »

I've said to her to go off her birth control if that'd help 'getting results from the gym' as we go to the gym, but she just walks and dosses in the pool.

If she went on the birth control after meeting you that might have contributed to the weight gain.

Are you nagging her about her weight, OP? Does she WANT to lose weight for her own sake? If she doesn't then why should she? I'm not saying you're shallow but if you prefer a size 8-10 woman and her natural weight is a 12-14 maybe she would be better to find someone who likes her that way.

It sounds like she's bored with the gym, why not try another form of exercise like cycling or bootcamp classes? She could go to Zumba classes either, they're great fun. The main thing is that she wants to lose weight for herself. It's no good losing weight for somebody else.

Distorted

I find it hard to comment meaningfully without knowing what sort of weight gain your are talking about OP. If she has gone from a size 8 to a size 12, I don't think you have any cause to grumble. If she has gone from a size 12 to say a size 18/20, then I see your problem with it. I would also be concerned about long term health problems if she is putting on weight that steadily when she is a relatively young person.

As for your comments about "breaking deals" and so on, I find it a bit strange. I know it used to be sort of thought that women should keep their figures til they get married, but this somehow strikes me as an equally rough deal.

But surely the whole idea is to be with someone you are compatible with, and that includes in terms of keeping fit and looking after yourself. And I think that comes down to your personality. But honestly OP, there are plenty of women out there who do sport and keep fit and look after themselves, so why did you end up with a woman who doesn't? Generally if you don't diet and/or keep fit, you will put on weight unless you have inherited unusually skinny genes. I get so fed up with married men in their forties in my athletics and triathlon club moaning about their non-sporty wives. I wouldn't go out with a non-sporty guy that I had nothing in common with - surely men are capable of this too!

Wibbs

Distorted wrote: »

I find it hard to comment meaningfully without knowing what sort of weight gain your are talking about OP. If she has gone from a size 8 to a size 12, I don't think you have any cause to grumble.

Well it would be down to personal preference again. Going up two dress sizes is pretty noticeable to be fair. If she had gone the reverse and dropped from a 12 to an 8 it would also raise eyebrows.

But surely the whole idea is to be with someone you are compatible with, and that includes in terms of keeping fit and looking after yourself. And I think that comes down to your personality. But honestly OP, there are plenty of women out there who do sport and keep fit and look after themselves, so why did you end up with a woman who doesn't? Generally if you don't diet and/or keep fit, you will put on weight unless you have inherited unusually skinny genes. I get so fed up with married men in their forties in my athletics and triathlon club moaning about their non-sporty wives. I wouldn't go out with a non-sporty guy that I had nothing in common with - surely men are capable of this too!

+1000. Though that said many's the person, man and woman who thought they were compatible with a partner only for said partner to utterly change tack after the wedding cake went stale. I know one chap in this position. Not unlike the ones you know, same age and all. His now wife was slim, fit and big into her sport all the way through a long engagement, within a couple of years of marriage "let herself go" and now is a few sizes bigger and out of breath walking to the shops. I know a woman with a similar enough scenario too.

Emme

Wibbs wrote: »

Well it would be down to personal preference again. Going up two dress sizes is pretty noticeable to be fair. If she had gone the reverse and dropped from a 12 to an 8 it would also raise eyebrows.

True, but if she'd gone from a 12 to an 8 the bf would be less likely to complain. In all fairness, some women can go up as much as two dress sizes during their menstrual cycle from water retention and then lose it again. If the OP's gf is on the pill this could be causing the weight gain.

Wibbs wrote: »

+1000. Though that said many's the person, man and woman who thought they were compatible with a partner only for said partner to utterly change tack after the wedding cake went stale. I know one chap in this position. Not unlike the ones you know, same age and all. His now wife was slim, fit and big into her sport all the way through a long engagement, within a couple of years of marriage "let herself go" and now is a few sizes bigger and out of breath walking to the shops. I know a woman with a similar enough scenario too.

Relationships that go the distance are ones where both partners take changes into account and adapt to them in a positive way. If the OP's gf is overweight to the point of being unhealthy he should encourage her to get back to a healthy weight but if she's just gone from an 8-10 to a 12-14 and doesn't look like a supermodel any more maybe he isn't ready for a long term relationship where partners grow and change.

The ironic thing is if the OP dumps his gf for putting on too much weight (for his liking) she'd probably lose the lot in a few months and gain a new lease of life - without him.

LegacyUser

Hi OP again.
I don't know dress sizes - is 12 big or small, i know waist sizes but this doesn't apply to women as such. so basically i don't know what you're talkin about with dress sizes

She's not huge ok - but has a lot of fat under her chin and around the mid rif particularly. i said to her about the birth control, she does not want to change it.

As i said before it's more her attitude - and i heed the great advice that she can only lose it for herself, i'd like her to lose it for herself.

I think i am a bad guy now for thinking all this and posting this - i really do... but i had to get it out. I'd like to thank all the replies on this despite the harshness of the content.

danslevent

Say you didn't know her at all and you saw her on a night out, would you still think "I would"? Cause if the answer is that you wouldn't then maybe your attraction to her is gone and you should move on?

Wibbs

Emme wrote: »

In all fairness, some women can go up as much as two dress sizes during their menstrual cycle from water retention and then lose it again.

Really? Two dress sizes? Never came across that one.

If the OP's gf is on the pill this could be causing the weight gain.

Common one alright. Either way, regardless of her measurements(she could be a 16 that's gone to a 20 for all we know) she has changed noticeably enough for her boyfriend to be turned off by it.

Relationships that go the distance are ones where both partners take changes into account and adapt to them in a positive way. If the OP's gf is overweight to the point of being unhealthy he should encourage her to get back to a healthy weight but if she's just gone from an 8-10 to a 12-14 and doesn't look like a supermodel any more maybe he isn't ready for a long term relationship where partners grow and change.

I'd agree 100 if they were both 40, but her putting on the pounds in her 20's in what appears to be a complacent thing is a little different and just as plenty of men don't grow a beer gut, plenty of women don't go up from 8 to 14.

The ironic thing is if the OP dumps his gf for putting on too much weight (for his liking) she'd probably lose the lot in a few months and gain a new lease of life - without him.

And why would she do this? To attract another man perhaps and then rinse and repeat down the line with him? It's a bit lets bend the trade descriptions act in some ways.

danslevent wrote:

Say you didn't know her at all and you saw her on a night out, would you still think "I would"? Cause if the answer is that you wouldn't then maybe your attraction to her is gone and you should move on?

Good point D. Not just on the surface either, but also the emotional connection. When you're in love then you'll see and notice other people that may be more objectively attractive, but your heart will overrule your eyes and crotch. If the affection is waning then it won't.

Esoteric_

Not being bad, but she's probably NOT a size 10 or 12 if she has a fatty chin :eek: OP, a size 8 is pretty tiny, a 10 - 12 is slim with a few curves, a 14 is a bit curvy, so is a 16, an 18 is on the bigger side, and anything above that is pretty large. That's the absolute basics, there are obviously exceptions to this, like a stockily built size 14 with no curves.

Anyway, if she has chin fat, not being bad but she's probably fairly big. I mean, I only had a double chin when I weighed 16 stone and above. I lost it as soon as I dropped to my current weight, and I'm still on the big side of curvy, as a 14-16.

As one poster said, if you saw her in a club, would you say 'I would?' If you wouldn't approach her or fancy her in a club, then clearly you're not attracted to her. I don't think you're wrong to be less attracted to her. You liked how she looked, and she now looks different. That's not your fault.

Talk to her about it, but think of going to more fun exercise classes with her, like Zumba, Salsa, etc.

LegacyUser

Hi OP again,
I've tried this going to gym classes with her - and suggested more/different ones. She doesn't want to do them is the bottom line. Or her back 'goes out' or something.

I'm going to say something soon and will update on this...

gargleblaster

Actually people can carry extra weight in a very wide variety of ways. Some people don't have to have hardly any extra weight at all to have a double chin.

OP the way I see it it doesn't matter what size she is or how she got that way. If your attraction is fading you owe it to your relationship to have a serious sit-down with her. Whatever about it being shallow, if it's affecting your relationship you should talk about it.

If you didn't care you'd say mean things to her or cheat on her, so it's obvious to me that you care about her and value your relationship. It is also detrimental to her health. Good luck.

danslevent

gargleblaster wrote: »

Actually people can carry extra weight in a very wide variety of ways. Some people don't have to have hardly any extra weight at all to have a double chin.

OP the way I see it it doesn't matter what size she is or how she got that way. If your attraction is fading you owe it to your relationship to have a serious sit-down with her. Whatever about it being shallow, if it's affecting your relationship you should talk about it.

If you didn't care you'd say mean things to her or cheat on her, so it's obvious to me that you care about her and value your relationship. It is also detrimental to her health. Good luck.

I agree

Pearlring

You should love a person for who they are not what they look like.
God forbid she recieved burns or something terrible happened and she didnt look the same - would u judge her then?
If she is happy with what she looks like - well then your not someone to put her down.
My boyfriend has gained a few pounds - i didnt say why are you letting yourself go! I mentioned it to him he said did it bother me - honestly it didnt - i fell in love with him, not his looks.

Sonics2k

Pearlring wrote: »

You should love a person for who they are not what they look like.
God forbid she recieved burns or something terrible happened and she didnt look the same - would u judge her then?
If she is happy with what she looks like - well then your not someone to put her down.
My boyfriend has gained a few pounds - i didnt say why are you letting yourself go! I mentioned it to him he said did it bother me - honestly it didnt - i fell in love with him, not his looks.

There's nothing wrong with not finding someone as physically attractive if they put on/lose to much weight though. You can still be in love with them, but you may not be as physically attracted to them, and yes, it can cause strains on a relationship.

@OP
The best thing you can do is sit her down and talk to her about this. Assuming she is continuing to put on weight it will start to affect her health, and as can be the case, mental health too.
Ultimatum's aren't the way to handle this, but express your concerns and let her know whats going on.

Best of luck.

Esoteric_

Pearlring wrote: »

You should love a person for who they are not what they look like.
God forbid she recieved burns or something terrible happened and she didnt look the same - would u judge her then?
If she is happy with what she looks like - well then your not someone to put her down.
My boyfriend has gained a few pounds - i didnt say why are you letting yourself go! I mentioned it to him he said did it bother me - honestly it didnt - i fell in love with him, not his looks.

If you find someone attractive and how they look changes drastically, it is perfectly normal that you may not find them attractive anymore. Love does not mean instant sexual attraction. I loved a guy who I had absolutely no sexual attraction to. I was head over heels in love with him, minus the sexual attraction. Love without sexual attraction is more of a friendship than anything else and love does not mean you have to or will find someone attractive.

The Cool

As a girl with weight issues and a boyfriend whose opinion I'm very conscious of, I would tell you to tread more carefully here than some posters are suggesting. Weight is a sensitive for most girls anyway, so if you're blunt about this you could end up causing an awful lot of upset - you don't want her to think that you're an insensitive pig. I would recommend that you talk to her about it, but from the angle of her confidence, rather than how aesthetically pleasing she is to you. Tell her how she used to have more energy and positive vibes when she was that bit slimmer, but that now she has out on a bit of weight she has lost some of her confidence, and suggest that you both get onto a health kick and see if you both don't feel fabulous again within a month.
Don't forget that you can help her out loads without even making it an issue. If you both eat a lot of convenience food and takeaways, try cooking for her, and getting her to cook for you - home made food with real, fresh ingredients are so much better for you and making that change alone will see her drop pounds in no time. You could try to incorporate exercise into your "couple time" as well - such as going to the pool together and making that your Saturday morning "thing". That was what my boyfriend and I did this summer, because after exam season - sitting in the library all day every day and eating whatever was handy - I had gained a bit of weight, but we started eating better and exercising together, and while I did lose the weight again, the most noticeable change in me has been feeling better about myself again.
Best of luck OP, my main point is that you need to make it about "WE need to improve ourselves" rather than "YOU aren't good enough". Hope that works!

I am a friend

Someone mentioned people who have been burnt but I assume that's not a matter of choice whereas his gf's weight is and continues to be.

His big problem is her attitude and I dOnt blame him. If you font want o carry weight then do something to lose it, if not then quit complaining.

LegacyUser

I think the talk about what's a 'normal ''healthy' or 'attractive' weight on this thread is misguided. Any substantial fat around your waist isn't good. Putting on weight shouldn't be completely acceptable for either sex and so I think the OP is right. Weight gain being accepted by a partner is potentially dangerous, rather than a sign of unconditional love.

I think a lot of the posts here are indicative of a worrying attitude to fat in Ireland. To me, most women of size 16 are fat - just because it's the average size in UK and Ireland doesn't make it healthy, or otherwise. Obviously it depends on the individual, build, frame, but most size 14s in Ireland will be carrying significant amounts of fat.

OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. You should be sensitive to her feelings. I guess, the thing is to approach it as a friend and not an enemy. I'm sure she herself would love to return to her usual weight. Losing it isn't easy. The psychological switch is most difficult and these are exacerbated by negative self-image and a defeatist attitude.

IrishEyes19

danslevent wrote: »

Say you didn't know her at all and you saw her on a night out, would you still think "I would"? Cause if the answer is that you wouldn't then maybe your attraction to her is gone and you should move on?

That is utterly riddiculous, there are many women/men on a night out who would look at someone on a night out and say "I would," go there, and then never text/call that person again.

So if the OP decides to throw away a relationship on the issue of weight gain without taking into account what made him care about her in the first place, then maybe it not meant to be.