invasion of privacy for no reason

LegacyUser

well i can't sleep now because something happened this evening and I really need to vent somewhere... The background is I have no contact with my family, haven't seen them in about 5 years, there used to be the occasional text but nothing for I'd say over a year now and it should be obvious to anyone that i've no wish to be in touch with them. But they have my number and email if it happens for any reason they want to text if there's anything important.

Well today after a very long day I get home, I'm tired and need to sleep early. I had my phone switched off during the day, sometimes do this or just forget to put it on but wasn't expecting to hear from anyone so didn't think of it. So just before going to sleep I remember and turn it on just to see if there's anything, and there's 2 voicemails from unknown numbers. I check the voicemails and they're completely silent, no idea who it is. So then a little while later I'm fast asleep. But forgot to turn the phone off and there's a call - it's from my sister, I don't answer and go back to sleep. About 40 mintues later, while fast asleep, I'm woken by some noise and voices outside my door, to my shock I hear my sister's voice right outside and knocking on my door and calling my name out for everyone to hear, how did she get here, she's never been here before and we haven't met in about 5 years. I'm awake now wondering what's wrong, but I've no wish to see or speak to her, and not now anyway!

So I look at my phone to see what's wrong, but no texts, no calls, it doesn't make sense..so then I'm wondering if it's some mistake or if it's someone else outside or what, if it is actually her then to be honest I just want her to go away, this is not the way to arrange to meet someone! Then, I can't even believe what happens next, about a minute later I hear the landlords voice, this is 9pm on a Saturday night, and he takes out his set of keys for the house and starts trying the keys in my door. So I get dressed and answered the door. Basically what seems to have happened is she somehow got my address, then, for some reason completely unknown to me, tracked down my landlord, told him a lie that she hadn't heard from me in 6 weeks and was worried something was wrong. But I have not seen this person in over 5 years and even then it was only for a couple of minutes. We're not friends, don't like each other and have no relationship and no mutual friends or contacts either. I don't know what to think or why she even pulled this stunt. What a selfish thing to do to get other people involved and contact them on a Saturday night to break into someone's place!

I know I did nothing to provoke this so I have no idea how she decided to do this. I just haven't contacted them, but neither have they! So I answered the door in the end, said to apologise to the landlord and to get lost, told her I received no messages nothing to let me know she was planning something like this, she was there with her best friend from school. I'm just so angry now, upset but more just in shock. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't contacted other people, she probably hassled my neighbours while I was out earlier and I just can't believe she made the landlord travel over and try and break into my place on a Saturday night. I see now she's just sent a text apologising.

Why she didn't send me any text earlier or anytime in the past days or weeks or even months is what I can't understand! I feel sick to the stomach and don't know what's going to happen because I've been happy living here but now the landlord will probably be concerned there really is something wrong. I'm actually thinking of reporting her or something, she had absolutely no reason to do this.

But why did she come over? Was she looking for somewhere to crash with her friend or what?

If I were you I'd contact her and ask her what was going on. If she's not forthcoming and apologetic, just put the whole thing out of your mind and don't worry about it. As for your landlord, these things happen, just try to make sure it doesn't happen regularly.

It definitely sounds like things go deeper than what you've said here though...

I am a friend

How did she get your landlords details?

Why didn't you ask her what she wanted?

LegacyUser

I don't know what you mean about things go deeper. I have given an honest account of what exactly happened and I genuinely don't know what happened or what led up to it or what to think. She texted to apologise but more concerned with covering herself than what she has just done from my point of view. She even asked if i wanted to meet her tomorrow after what she's just done, lieing to people basically that I'd gone missing when we are never in contact anyway.

I didn't ask her but she said she wanted to see if I was ok, that was all. But no texts or anything to let me know she was looking for me, or was going to hunt me down basically to the point of breaking in, the landlord would have broken the door down, whatever lies she told him, she lies so much i don't think she even knows the difference. Maybe she expected me not to actually be home so this was why no text, I just have no idea.

whatcartoget

You might not agree with what I am saying now.
I get the impression that your sister is young the way you mention her being with a friend from school. She might miss you if she young and having a proper relationship with her sister might be upsetting for her. She might have being upset that ye weren't in contact.

Sooopie

confusedandshocked wrote: »

I don't know what you mean about things go deeper. I have given an honest account of what exactly happened and I genuinely don't know what happened or what led up to it or what to think. She texted to apologise but more concerned with covering herself than what she has just done from my point of view. She even asked if i wanted to meet her tomorrow after what she's just done, lieing to people basically that I'd gone missing when we are never in contact anyway.

I didn't ask her but she said she wanted to see if I was ok, that was all. But no texts or anything to let me know she was looking for me, or was going to hunt me down basically to the point of breaking in, the landlord would have broken the door down, whatever lies she told him, she lies so much i don't think she even knows the difference. Maybe she expected me not to actually be home so this was why no text, I just have no idea.

Must have been a shock for you.

How did she know who your landlord was? How was she able to contact him like? Thats puzzling me!

Firetrap

The one thing that comes across in your posts is how angry and bitter you sound towards your family and towards your sister. You've not said what her demeanour was like when she called. Did she call to taunt you or was she trying to mend bridges?

wasper

confusedandshocked wrote: »

I don't know what you mean about things go deeper. I have given an honest account of what exactly happened and I genuinely don't know what happened or what led up to it or what to think. She texted to apologise but more concerned with covering herself than what she has just done from my point of view. She even asked if i wanted to meet her tomorrow after what she's just done, lieing to people basically that I'd gone missing when we are never in contact anyway.

I didn't ask her but she said she wanted to see if I was ok, that was all. But no texts or anything to let me know she was looking for me, or was going to hunt me down basically to the point of breaking in, the landlord would have broken the door down, whatever lies she told him, she lies so much i don't think she even knows the difference. Maybe she expected me not to actually be home so this was why no text, I just have no idea.

TBH if she had texted you to arrange a meeting, you probably wouldn't have answered her hence this shock tactics. You never explain why the 5 year isolation.

WindSock

She might have got it into her head that you were dead or something and was worried as you were not in touch. She already called you a couple of times. Think you are over reacting, she obviously still cares for you.

ted1

Maybe she was worried that something had happened to you. You should ask her.

Forest Master

This thread is very confusing. OP - you didn't even say "what are you doing here?" Or ask how she found the landlord's details?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Doesn't a landlord have to get a search warrant to enter the premises...?

zxcvbnm1

This is a bizarre thread.

OP - i'm completely confudsed by the whole thing.

LegacyUser

whatcartoget wrote: »

You might not agree with what I am saying now.
I get the impression that your sister is young the way you mention her being with a friend from school. She might miss you if she young and having a proper relationship with her sister might be upsetting for her. She might have being upset that ye weren't in contact.

Yea sorry I wrote the OP in a hurry but didn't mean for it to sound like that. This was just who the friend was or how long they have been friends, I barely even know her so another puzzle is what she was even doing there, they are in their 30s by now.

Sooopie wrote: »

Must have been a shock for you.

How did she know who your landlord was? How was she able to contact him like? Thats puzzling me!

yes it was a total shock, I am still in shock over it. She mentioned in the text afterwards she called to the house earlier, she could have asked someone else for a number and by inventing some story pretending we were close, but I really don't care about these details, I am so angry about this I want nothing further to do with her, I didn't before this anyway but even if people are not friends you don't expect them to plan something like this as a way to get to you, it just doesn't make any sense to me on any level I can think of.

Ickle Magoo

confusedandshocked wrote: »

I am so angry about this I want nothing further to do with her, I didn't before this anyway but even if people are not friends you don't expect them to plan something like this as a way to get to you, it just doesn't make any sense to me on any level I can think of.

What doesn't make sense? That you are estranged from your family and a sibling has tried to make contact with you? What doesn't make sense about that? If my sibling was refusing to have any contact with me or my family and was carrying around such anger and resentment for us I'd do a damn sight more than contact a landlord or quiz their neighbours.

Perhaps your sister doesn't want to be a stranger to you? Perhaps she was there offering an olive branch? Perhaps she had news that she viewed wasn't appropriate to give via text or e-mail - perhaps she just missed you and was desperate to see you in person? Who knows.

Either way, the level of bitterness and vitriol you display seems to me to be completely disproportionate to the level of your sister's "crime" - I don't know what the story is behind your estrangement but I do think that it is completely unrealistic to expect other people who probably love you very much, miss you and are worried about you to be as happy with the whole "ignore unless in case of emergency" routine as you are.

Firetrap

Have you any idea why she called?

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

The one thing that comes across in your posts is how angry and bitter you sound towards your family and towards your sister. You've not said what her demeanour was like when she called. Did she call to taunt you or was she trying to mend bridges?

I'm sorry but if this happened to you then maybe you would be angry too. I'm not actually angry as it might seem though, it's just how it comes out when writing, I am more just upset that she created this situation and thought in some twisted way it would be ok, I just can't get my head around it and to be honest I don't want to understand the mentality of someone like this. I know that certain family members are a bit weird in how they see situations and like to jump to conclusions about people, part of the reason I want nothing to do with them, we have never gotten along by the way, so I am not angry or have no feelings about this, it's just the way it is and I just want a quiet life.
It might as well have been some stranger who came in off the street and pretended to be related to me, when I think about it, how easy it would be to force a sitation like this and is there nothing I can do to protect myself from someone like this?!

dellas1979

confusedandshocked wrote: »

Yea sorry I wrote the OP in a hurry but didn't mean for it to sound like that. This was just who the friend was or how long they have been friends, I barely even know her so another puzzle is what she was even doing there, they are in their 30s by now.

yes it was a total shock, I am still in shock over it. She mentioned in the text afterwards she called to the house earlier, she could have asked someone else for a number and by inventing some story pretending we were close, but I really don't care about these details, I am so angry about this I want nothing further to do with her, I didn't before this anyway but even if people are not friends you don't expect them to plan something like this as a way to get to you, it just doesn't make any sense to me on any level I can think of.

Yeah - its puzzling you so why dont you ask her all of the questions you have above? Why did she do it? How did she find where you were?

Its hard to say from your story if she came over because she was concerned, or if she was looking for something else....that seems to be what is puzzling you the most - we dont know your back story (must be pretty bad if you cut them out for over 5 years) - if you want answers, you must ask her or else the alternative if you still intend to cut them out, is "pretend" or forget about what happened.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

What doesn't make sense? That you are estranged from your family and a sibling has tried to make contact with you? What doesn't make sense about that? If my sibling was refusing to have any contact with me or my family and was carrying around such anger and resentment for us I'd do a damn sight more than contact a landlord or quiz their neighbours.

Perhaps your sister doesn't want to be a stranger to you? Perhaps she was there offering an olive branch? Perhaps she had news that she viewed wasn't appropriate to give via text or e-mail - perhaps she just missed you and was desperate to see you in person? Who knows.

Either way, the level of bitterness and vitriol you display seems to me to be completely disproportionate to the level of your sister's "crime" - I don't know what the story is behind your estrangement but I do think that it is completely unrealistic to expect other people who probably love you very much, miss you and are worried about you to be as happy with the whole "ignore unless in case of emergency" routine as you are.

Well I should have known better than to post something like this here and expect to get support or understanding, because to most people they imagine themselves in the sitation and they imagine that families should be close, because they are probably close with their own families. I honestly just needed a place to vent what had happened and I am not surprised I suppose that most people cannot relate to where I'm coming from with something as bizarre as this.
You can think I'm lying if you want, but the sum total of contact I got from her was the one missed call that I mentioned in the OP. That was it. No text, no voicemail. Not yesterday, not the days before, or the weeks and months before, to ask was I ok, if that was even her motivation, or then to say she was coming to the house because she was worried, if that was her motivation.
The point of what I wrote was not 'estrangement', it is well beyond that and has been for a long time, these people are strangers to me. And no one who loves someone, in my book, would act as she has just done, sneak around behind their back, lie to others about their relationship with them, without so much as a text message before interfering like this.

I have no relationship with this person, and this is what I want. If this is not what she wants then why are her wishes so much more important than mine? to the point where you seem to be saying someone has a right to manipulate someone like this, when I repeat I did nothing to provoke or invite this behaviour!

I also would like to know what I said that was "vitriolic"?!

Ickle Magoo

confusedandshocked wrote: »

Well I should have known better than to post something like this here and expect to get support or understanding, because to most people they imagine themselves in the sitation and they imagine that families should be close, because they are probably close with their own families.

That's a massive assumption on your part - I think people are just trying to give you some insight into your sisters behaviour combined with confusion at your extreme reaction.

confusedandshocked wrote: »

I honestly just needed a place to vent what had happened and I am not surprised I suppose that most people cannot relate to where I'm coming from with something as bizarre as this.

Well, it's an advice forum - either you want posters to interpret your post and give their honest thoughts from that or it's just a useless exercise in confirmation bias...

confusedandshocked wrote: »

You can think I'm lying if you want, but the sum total of contact I got from her was the one missed call that I mentioned in the OP. That was it. No text, no voicemail. Not yesterday, not the days before, or the weeks and months before, to ask was I ok, if that was even her motivation, or then to say she was coming to the house because she was worried, if that was her motivation.

I have not suggested at any point you are lying - what I did say was that you are not and cannot expect to control the actions of other people. Whether you like it or not, your sister is not obliged to text or leave a voice-mail before trying to see you - and given you haven't been in contact for so long and seem to hate your family, I can understand why she may have felt doing so was futile anyway.

confusedandshocked wrote: »

The point of what I wrote was not 'estrangement', it is well beyond that and has been for a long time, these people are strangers to me.

Ceasing contact = estrangement and that seems to be what you are talking about.

confusedandshocked wrote: »

And no one who loves someone, in my book, would act as she has just done, sneak around behind their back, lie to others about their relationship with them, without so much as a text message before interfering like this.

You haven't spoken to your family in five years - the normal rules of social etiquette regarding contact and communication are surely out the window at this stage?

confusedandshocked wrote: »

I have no relationship with this person, and this is what I want. If this is not what she wants then why are her wishes so much more important than mine? to the point where you seem to be saying someone has a right to manipulate someone like this, when I repeat I did nothing to provoke or invite this behaviour!

I also would like to know what I said that was "vitriolic"?!

It's not a case of who or what is "more important" - that sounds very childish; it's a case of acknowledging that other people don't have any obligations to act in the manner we demand...and when it comes to complex familial relationships, doubly so. If you wanted absolutely no relationship then it's easy to move and not tell anyone your telephone number or address - but you have chosen not to do that so perhaps you don't want to be completely cut off?

Look, posters are just trying to offer you some insight based on the scant information you have given, your tone and the language you choose to use in a few hundred words. You are free to dismiss any advice that doesn't say what you want it to but that would strike me as rather missing the point of asking for a second opinion.

Vitriolic = Bitterly scathing; caustic...in most of your descriptions of your family and their actions "vitriolic" is pretty apt - and note I didn't claim you have no grounds for feeling that way. You may not realise it but the opposite to love isn't hate - it's apathy; perhaps talking through the anger and hurt and the issues you still have with your family which have led to you wanting to cut them out your life would help you properly move on and stop you getting so upset at something which, from an outsiders perspective, has so many innocuous explanations.

All the best.

Taltos

Not much I can add to this really - most has already been said with great insight by Ickle Magoo as normal.

OP - can I suggest that if this is how you feel then you take the following steps.

1. Send your family a letter, clearly informing them that going forwards you do not wish any contact. For all intents and purposes they are strangers to you and the life you have chosen. Maybe seek legal advice on this in terms of how best to phrase this and also to ensure that there are no steps they can take in retribution? You know, sectioning etc.

2. Speak to your landlord - apologise to him that he has been placed in the situation he was - clearly you need to keep a good relationship there. Also inform him that you have reiterated to your estranged family that you do not want or need any contact going forwards. Finally follow this up by clearly stating that should he receive any further contact you need to be informed as having told them of your wish this will be viewed by you as harrassment.

I am not sure if right now you have any case with the gardai - but going forwards you may. Also if you look at this another way - your landlord has attempted to enter your dwelling and is now in breach of your tenancy agreement.

Look - whether you are right or wrong - I just don't know - clearly we don't have all the information here and can only really judge this on the norms of standard famial relationships. However - where there is a breakdown you do need to take steps to protect yourself from them. Hence getting legal advice.

Before I go - are you 100% sure though that there is no chance for a reconciliation...

Obelisk

Firetrap wrote: »

Have you any idea why she called?

X2?

Very strange read, I hope you can resolve your issues OP

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote:

confusion at your extreme reaction

I'm sorry, but what extreme reaction are you talking about?? It's not everyday that someone breaks into your house in the way I have described. I think I am being quite calm about it considering the circumstances. I have had no reaction at all other than to post here last night after it happened, I have not told anyone about it or done anything. So if posting here is an "extreme reaction" then I am sorry!

it's a case of acknowledging that other people don't have any obligations to act in the manner we demand...

I didn't demand anything. As I have said repeatdly, there has been no communication, no contact, so therefore no opportunity to demand anything, and I would never demand anything of her anyway! I appreciate that you are trying to be helpful in your reply but it just seems you are not listening to what I've actually said. If I had demanded anything of her then I would not conceal this information in my posts. The fact of the matter is this happened out of the blue with no attempt to contact me, it was a planned event, obviously, it doesn't make any other sense otherwise, but meanwhile she told people that we were close and made out we were in regular contact and that she had some reason for doing what she did, when she didn't. If I was to take this further(which I'm not going to) and someone was to check phone records, emails, everything it would be clear that there was absolutely no attempt to contact before resorting to hassling and disturbing other people, whatever her reasons.

it's easy to move and not tell anyone your telephone number or address - but you have chosen not to do that so perhaps you don't want to be completely cut off?

I'm glad you think it's easy to move, just like that..! I have been living here for a long time, and when I first moved here there was still contact. Yes, I could have changed my number but did not for the very reason that if they wanted to contact they were free to, but also I was free to reply that I did not want to see them or have a relationship as is my right, or so I thought. If I had just went and changed my number then they would have had no way of contacting so I feared they would just turn up on my doorstep out of the blue. And so as it turns out it didn't matter about having my number, just break into someone's house and create a scene rather than sending a text message. So it looks now like I will have to think about moving anyway just to feel I can be safe from someone like this, even though I don't want to move out of my home where I have been happy living.

the opposite to love isn't hate - it's apathy

At no point have I said I hated anyone. And up until now I would have desribed my feeling towards them as apathy or indifference, they are nothing to me, I never think about them and since not being in contact I feel I have grown as a person and have felt much better in myself. If she had bothered to ask me if I was ok if this was actually what she wanted to know, then I would have told her so, instead she chose to create a crisis situation out of nothing and to humiliate and embarrass me for no reason. And not only that but to disturb the landlord for no reason and get other people involved in something that was completely avoidable if she had bothered or had the consideration to think it through.

Ickle Magoo

Sorry - who broke into your house? I thought you heard your sister through the door, the land-lord's keys in the lock and opened the door yourself?

Starokan

i can see why you were shocked , families can be estranged for very good reasons, it seems to me that your sister approached this pretty badly. After 5 years to turn up with your landlord at 9pm on a sat night is a little over the top. You would expect a measure of contact like letter, message, text prior to being this drastic. On that level i understand totally where you are coming from . I would contact the landlord and explain the situation to him and re-iterate that if something like this arises again he is not to come to your house to let someone else in.

If the reasons for estrangement are sufficiently serious for you to worry about your safety then yes contact the gardai, if they are not then dont.

However like it or not you have been found by someone who obviously has her own reasons for seeking you out. So you need to act, you either move if necessary or you return a text message or write to your sister explaining that you no longer wish contact with her or any of your family.

Before you send this take some time to consider your options. Regardless of what went before she has clearly gone to some serious effort to get in touch with you. I cant see anything sinister in it myself given that she bought along her best pal from school, if it is a case of pure worry on her part then at least be nice about telling her that you are intent on remaining seperate from her and your family. It could be that she is seriously hurting over this and you can at least give her some form of closure.

Its always sad when families have rifts, sometimes they are salvageable sometimes not, regardless of what happens here one thing for certain is its your choice and i wish you well in it

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Not much I can add to this really - most has already been said with great insight by Ickle Magoo as normal.

OP - can I suggest that if this is how you feel then you take the following steps.

1. Send your family a letter, clearly informing them that going forwards you do not wish any contact. For all intents and purposes they are strangers to you and the life you have chosen. Maybe seek legal advice on this in terms of how best to phrase this and also to ensure that there are no steps they can take in retribution? You know, sectioning etc.

2. Speak to your landlord - apologise to him that he has been placed in the situation he was - clearly you need to keep a good relationship there. Also inform him that you have reiterated to your estranged family that you do not want or need any contact going forwards. Finally follow this up by clearly stating that should he receive any further contact you need to be informed as having told them of your wish this will be viewed by you as harrassment.

I am not sure if right now you have any case with the gardai - but going forwards you may. Also if you look at this another way - your landlord has attempted to enter your dwelling and is now in breach of your tenancy agreement.

Look - whether you are right or wrong - I just don't know - clearly we don't have all the information here and can only really judge this on the norms of standard famial relationships. However - where there is a breakdown you do need to take steps to protect yourself from them. Hence getting legal advice.

Before I go - are you 100% sure though that there is no chance for a reconciliation...

Thank you for this reply and for actually listening to me. I know it is a difficult and unusual thing to read but I feel you've listened to my concerns.
I got very little sleep last night and have been thinking about how bad the whole thing looks from some outside perspective and how she made something look as bad as possible when from my point of view all I have been doing is minding my own business and just getting on with my life, but for some people it seems this is a crime and they would rather have some conflict situation than nothing.

I can't afford to hire legal advice so I don't know what I'm going to do and also it's a bad time of the year if I want to think about moving to somewhere where I can feel safe. What I'm really shocked and upset about more than anything is how it seems I have no rights to protect myself in a situation like this and how someone can basically bully someone else like this and get away with it.
If I had known that I needed a legal document in order to prevent something like this from ever happening then I would have done this a long time ago, but I just was not aware it was necessary or the level of selfishness and thoughtlessness of the person.

As for the landlord, he is a decent and reasonable person from what I know of him, he rarely visits the house so I don't have much dealings with him. So I can only assume that she lied and manipulated to force the sitation to the point that it got to.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Sorry - who broke into your house? I thought you heard your sister through the door, the land-lord's keys in the lock and opened the door yourself?

I live in a flat. There is door to the flat and there is the front door to the house. So she gained entry to the house, obviously by getting the landlord to let her in and if she had visited earlier then someone else must have let her in. Ok it wasn't a physical break-in, sorry, but it was an invasion nonetheless and she had convinced the landlord that there was a reason to force entry and I know this is what would have happened had I not got dressed and answered the door.

I am a friend

Why in the name of god would you go legal? What did she do to you that was so bad as to warrant this reaction.

Ickle Magoo

The landlord was in breach of the law by letting someone into your property or even letting themselves in without your express permission - regardless of whatever yarn has been spun. You have every right to feel safe in your own home and first and foremost, you should contact your landlord and state in no uncertain terms that you do not expect to ever find them trying to gain entry into your home and they should deal with any contact from anyone in relation to you by telling that person to take it up with you.

If you cannot or do not want to move then it might be worth writing an official letter of request that your family do not contact you except in the case of emergency and if contact is made, especially that which sets out to deliberately breach your right to privacy, it will result in legal action - that might make them think twice but tbh, without legal prohibition they are free to contact you and those around you in any manner they see fit.

Morag

It is wrong of anyone to lie to your landlord to get access to your home.
As the landlord didn't know you were estranged from your family what he did wasn't that unreasonable but he should have contacted you before coming over.

If family have been such a source of hassle in your life that you don't have contact I can understand how such an intrusion can be upsetting making you feel not safe in your own home.

I suggest you send your sister a registered letter stating you wish no futher contact and explain to your landlord that your family is not a part of your life and that you do not want them being let into your home.

Kidchameleon

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

Doesn't a landlord have to get a search warrant to enter the premises...?

Well the landlord probably thought something was wrong. I'd have done the same thing, search warrant or not...

Overheal

Well I should have known better than to post something like this here and expect to get support or understanding, because to most people they imagine themselves in the sitation and they imagine that families should be close, because they are probably close with their own families. I honestly just needed a place to vent what had happened and I am not surprised I suppose that most people cannot relate to where I'm coming from with something as bizarre as this.

Well wtf do you expect in all fairness? Without background how are we supposed to understand where you're coming from. Then you talk about going legal and this and that and how can we support or advise you not knowing what your family history is.

Think about this clearly for a second: If you ask for help with a problem you can't just review the symptom, a doctor, mechanic, technician, counselor, they would all try to find the underlying cause - which in this case is something you have not provided. Without knowing more about what happened the last time you spoke with your family or why you disowned them theres really not much more point in discussing this. You've gotten your help regarding the landlord but I'm afraid you will remain as confused as anyone about why the incident took place if you don't meet PI on an even playing field here.

It's not like I don't have estranged family members that I neither hate nor really give a whole lot of toss about but it's not like I'd be looking to go after them legally for showing up at my door either.

solerina

OP
I think you want people to understand why you are feeling so angry and yet for most people its very hard to understand as they do not wish to be estranged from their family.
I think its likely that your sister was worried about you and convinced your landlord that something may have happened to you.
If you dont want something like this to happen again ask your landlord to phone you and make sure everything is alright, and not to call around to check.
As for takling legal advice....WHY ?
(This is the strangest issue I have read in a long time)

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe your sister told lies to people because the truth is embarrassing for her?
Maybe she didn't tell lies at all..
Maybe she just said she couldn't contact you. A couple of voicemails (blank or otherwise!), a missed call and a few knocks on the door could constitute "trying to get in touch with you".
Maybe she didn't lie - maybe she just didn't tell the whole truth.

You said you wanted no contact unless in the case of an emergency... so when your sister, who you have no real relationship with rang you... you ignored the call?

Maybe there was an emergency.

But the fact that you dismissed her completely without any question or dialogue means that you can guess and suppose what she was up to all you like. But you'll never know!

And from experience I can absolutely guarantee you that anytime I second guessed why somebody did something, I was ALWAYS wrong!

You don't know this person, you know nothing about her.. so how you can claim to know or even guess her motives behind what she did is a mystery to me.

As I've said, I regularly get it wrong with people I know very well!

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Well wtf do you expect in all fairness? Without background how are we supposed to understand where you're coming from. Then you talk about going legal and this and that and how can we support or advise you not knowing what your family history is.

Think about this clearly for a second: If you ask for help with a problem you can't just review the symptom, a doctor, mechanic, technician, counselor, they would all try to find the underlying cause - which in this case is something you have not provided. Without knowing more about what happened the last time you spoke with your family or why you disowned them theres really not much more point in discussing this. You've gotten your help regarding the landlord but I'm afraid you will remain as confused as anyone about why the incident took place if you don't meet PI on an even playing field here.

What I said was in reply to someone else and it was not intended to be a criticism of anyone either, it was just acknowledgement that for most people the idea of a family not being close tends to be an emotional topic and most people would not be able to relate because most people probably have a good relationship with theirs and can't imagine the situation and see it objectively.
I did say to start with that this estrangement was the background to what happened and that's all it is - background. Obviously there's a history of people not getting along in the family, but I don't see how the details and history of this need to be known and discussed because it's not relevant to what happened and it would be impossible to write a post long enough anyway, I have mentioned anything that was relevant to mention. If you feel I haven't then please point out what information you think is missing.
Just reading the rest of your post it is clear that you have misunderstood me. There is no relationship to be saved or anything like that, my concern is to protect my privacy from being invaded by someone like this or by others in the future, there is no-one else who would behave like this towards me, other than my family. So I'm not trying to blame or understand their actions or get involved with them in any way, because as I've pointed out, it makes no sense what's just happened, I just want to protect myself. If you haven't read what I've posted that's fine, but please don't reply then if you're not replying to give advice. "The underlying cause" is not the reason I started this thread. Whether it's something complicatated and deep rooted, or just a case of people who just don't like each other and find it impossible to get along, I don't see how it's relevant to the event that happened and to how I can deal with it and move forward from it. Yes I am confused and upset about it but this doesn't mean it's a mystery I'm trying to solve, because this would mean getting in contact with them and maybe this is what they intended by doing this but there is no way in a million years I would want to get involved or have a relationship with someone of this mentality, I don't care who they are.

I am a friend

Well without knowing the background it baffles me why you would treat your sibling like this. Was it directly her fault you fell out? I lost my only sibling this year suddenly without a chance to say goodbye and would trade my kidney for them arriving on my doorstep today unexpectantly. Life is short ...

Taltos

I am a friend wrote: »

Well without knowing the background it baffles me why you would treat your sibling like this. Was it directly her fault you fell out? I lost my only sibling this year suddenly without a chance to say goodbye and would trade my kidney for them arriving on my doorstep today unexpectantly. Life is short ...

In fairness to the OP we don't really need her to explain what has happened in the past - yes it might make it easier but it was clear from their first post that this was a sore point for them.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

username123

OP - Im estranged from my own family and would be pretty outraged if my sibling showed up with my landlord telling lies to access my home.

What Id be more concerned about would be if I WASNT there - what was your sibling going to do in your home if you werent in it? What was the purpose of the visit.

Im surprised so many people think you have little reason to be upset, Id also be upset if ANYONE decided to show up and try to gain entry to my home without my express permission.

I wouldnt be bothered sending your family a solicitors letter, simply ignore any contact and they will eventually get the message.

I am a friend

Taltos wrote: »

In fairness to the OP we don't really need her to explain what has happened in the past - yes it might make it easier but it was clear from their first post that this was a sore point for them.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

Thank you.

I don't want to know what happened. I just wanted the op to sit and think about my position and rethink how important the issue actually is I.e does it really warrant legal action, in the grand scheme of things.

Overheal

confusedandshocked wrote: »

What I said was in reply to someone else and it was not intended to be a criticism of anyone either, it was just acknowledgement that for most people the idea of a family not being close tends to be an emotional topic and most people would not be able to relate because most people probably have a good relationship with theirs and can't imagine the situation and see it objectively.
I did say to start with that this estrangement was the background to what happened and that's all it is - background. Obviously there's a history of people not getting along in the family, but I don't see how the details and history of this need to be known and discussed because it's not relevant to what happened and it would be impossible to write a post long enough anyway, I have mentioned anything that was relevant to mention. If you feel I haven't then please point out what information you think is missing.
Just reading the rest of your post it is clear that you have misunderstood me. There is no relationship to be saved or anything like that, my concern is to protect my privacy from being invaded by someone like this or by others in the future, there is no-one else who would behave like this towards me, other than my family. So I'm not trying to blame or understand their actions or get involved with them in any way, because as I've pointed out, it makes no sense what's just happened, I just want to protect myself. If you haven't read what I've posted that's fine, but please don't reply then if you're not replying to give advice. "The underlying cause" is not the reason I started this thread. Whether it's something complicatated and deep rooted, or just a case of people who just don't like each other and find it impossible to get along, I don't see how it's relevant to the event that happened and to how I can deal with it and move forward from it. Yes I am confused and upset about it but this doesn't mean it's a mystery I'm trying to solve, because this would mean getting in contact with them and maybe this is what they intended by doing this but there is no way in a million years I would want to get involved or have a relationship with someone of this mentality, I don't care who they are.

Fair enough. Like I said, I have a family member I feel that way with.

Still, not sure what you hope to accomplish through legal action or why it would be necessary. Berate the landlord sure but - yeah I am just unsure what end result legal action would produce. Unless you want a restraining order on your sister or something. But, as you said that is your business. I'd say the landlord would only need one warning off never to pull that shyte again. I suppose you can leverage him for better rent or something!

Lollipops23

OP, for whatever reason you don't want your family anywhere near you. You need to explain this to the landlord-maybe suggest an alternative next of kin to him? I'm sure he just thought he was being helpful when your sister came to him in a panic.

Regarding your sis- maybe she just got into a state because she reached out to you and didn't get any sort of response (the fact that your phone was off when she called may have freaked her out). I would say that she clearly wants to speak to you- fair enough if you don't want to, but she must still care.

I think you over reacted, but plenty of people would be unimpressed when backed into a corner like that.

LegacyUser

confusedandshocked wrote: »

….. But they have my number and email if it happens for any reason they want to text if there's anything important.

If they had your email and phone number, and they call you late a night, as it appears from this part….

… So then a little while later I'm fast asleep. But forgot to turn the phone off and there's a call - it's from my sister, I don't answer and go back to sleep.

…it could have been “important”; it could have been an emergency.

Given this

confusedandshocked wrote: »

… I know that certain family members are a bit weird in how they see situations and like to jump to conclusions about people, part of the reason I want nothing to do with them, we have never gotten along by the way, so I am not angry or have no feelings about this, it's just the way it is and I just want a quiet life.

It sounds as though you don't hate them. I don’t know why you wouldn’t answer the phone in this case. This in no way excuses her getting your landlord, but it might have been pre-empted had you picked up the phone.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

OP - Im estranged from my own family and would be pretty outraged if my sibling showed up with my landlord telling lies to access my home.

What Id be more concerned about would be if I WASNT there - what was your sibling going to do in your home if you werent in it? What was the purpose of the visit.

Im surprised so many people think you have little reason to be upset, Id also be upset if ANYONE decided to show up and try to gain entry to my home without my express permission.

I wouldnt be bothered sending your family a solicitors letter, simply ignore any contact and they will eventually get the message.

I could very easily not have been there, I'd been away the weekend before.
I've no idea actually the purpose of the visit and honestly I'm not interested. It could have been something important, to her, or it could just as likely been nothing at all except creating a crisis out of thin air and a bored imagination and this would not surprise me at all, and actually this was the impression I got from her texts afterwards.

Thank you for your understanding by the way, I'm surprised too how many seem to think it's acceptable. I live by myself and anyone who knows me would message or make some kind of contact with me before visiting, for security as well as just consideration for the other person, and I would be the same before visiting someone.
I don't know what I'll do about the letter, it was not my idea but if it means peace of mind then I'll have to look into it. These are people who don't seem to get a hint that if you don't contact someone for a long time then it means you don't want them in your life.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

What doesn't make sense? That you are estranged from your family and a sibling has tried to make contact with you? What doesn't make sense about that? If my sibling was refusing to have any contact with me or my family and was carrying around such anger and resentment for us I'd do a damn sight more than contact a landlord or quiz their neighbours.

Perhaps your sister doesn't want to be a stranger to you? Perhaps she was there offering an olive branch? Perhaps she had news that she viewed wasn't appropriate to give via text or e-mail - perhaps she just missed you and was desperate to see you in person? Who knows.

Either way, the level of bitterness and vitriol you display seems to me to be completely disproportionate to the level of your sister's "crime" - I don't know what the story is behind your estrangement but I do think that it is completely unrealistic to expect other people who probably love you very much, miss you and are worried about you to be as happy with the whole "ignore unless in case of emergency" routine as you are.

This is a great flourish, but harsh. I, too, fell out with my family, carried deep hurt and didn't want to set eyes on them ever again. I built my self-esteem up and started to put a value on my life and character and vowed to never, ever, ever surround myself with people who put me down. It took me years to forgive, and forgiveness was never my aim. Rebuilding myself, my sense of worth and my value system was my aim. When that was done - years later - I was in a position to forgive. Until it was done, the people who undermined my self-esteem most were my enemies. This is perfectly understandable, perfectly rational.

Without knowing the details of the OP's situation, I empathise with her. With time she will, le cúnamh Dé, find her peace, as most of us do.

Chin up, OP. Time is the great healer of all our lives. God bless.

tinkerbell

username123 wrote: »

OP - Im estranged from my own family and would be pretty outraged if my sibling showed up with my landlord telling lies to access my home.

What Id be more concerned about would be if I WASNT there - what was your sibling going to do in your home if you werent in it? What was the purpose of the visit.

Im surprised so many people think you have little reason to be upset, Id also be upset if ANYONE decided to show up and try to gain entry to my home without my express permission.

I wouldnt be bothered sending your family a solicitors letter, simply ignore any contact and they will eventually get the message.

^^^ This.

If you are estranged from your family, then it sounds nuts to me that your sister just suddenly shows up on your doorstep on a Saturday night trying to gain access to your house. What if you were not there? What would she have done in your house? I would be upset too if people that I was not on speaking terms with tried to enter my home without me knowing.

I think you seriously need to call up your sister and be like "what were you doing trying to enter my house in the middle of the night, making up lies to my landlord"? OP, you NEED to find out why she was doing it. Because she could do it again.

And you also need to talk to your landlord and tell him never to give anyone access again without your prior consent.

This whole story is just insane tbh. I really think you need to find out what the hell your sister was playing at - it sounds so dodgy, I'd be more worried about what she planned on doing once she got into your house.

Lollipops23

[QUOTE=tinkerbell;73944513This whole story is just insane tbh. I really think you need to find out what the hell your sister was playing at - it sounds so dodgy, I'd be more worried about what she planned on doing once she got into your house.[/QUOTE]

I really don't think there was anything dodgy at work here- she did try to call her several times during the day. My first reaction would be that there was something wrong?

gazzer

confusedandshocked wrote: »

well i can't sleep now because something happened this evening and I really need to vent somewhere... The background is I have no contact with my family, haven't seen them in about 5 years, there used to be the occasional text but nothing for I'd say over a year now and it should be obvious to anyone that i've no wish to be in touch with them. But they have my number and email if it happens for any reason they want to text if there's anything important.

Well today after a very long day I get home, I'm tired and need to sleep early. I had my phone switched off during the day, sometimes do this or just forget to put it on but wasn't expecting to hear from anyone so didn't think of it. So just before going to sleep I remember and turn it on just to see if there's anything, and there's 2 voicemails from unknown numbers. I check the voicemails and they're completely silent, no idea who it is. So then a little while later I'm fast asleep. But forgot to turn the phone off and there's a call - it's from my sister, I don't answer and go back to sleep. About 40 mintues later, while fast asleep, I'm woken by some noise and voices outside my door, to my shock I hear my sister's voice right outside and knocking on my door and calling my name out for everyone to hear, how did she get here, she's never been here before and we haven't met in about 5 years. I'm awake now wondering what's wrong, but I've no wish to see or speak to her, and not now anyway!

So I look at my phone to see what's wrong, but no texts, no calls, it doesn't make sense..so then I'm wondering if it's some mistake or if it's someone else outside or what, if it is actually her then to be honest I just want her to go away, this is not the way to arrange to meet someone! Then, I can't even believe what happens next, about a minute later I hear the landlords voice, this is 9pm on a Saturday night, and he takes out his set of keys for the house and starts trying the keys in my door. So I get dressed and answered the door. Basically what seems to have happened is she somehow got my address, then, for some reason completely unknown to me, tracked down my landlord, told him a lie that she hadn't heard from me in 6 weeks and was worried something was wrong. But I have not seen this person in over 5 years and even then it was only for a couple of minutes. We're not friends, don't like each other and have no relationship and no mutual friends or contacts either. I don't know what to think or why she even pulled this stunt. What a selfish thing to do to get other people involved and contact them on a Saturday night to break into someone's place!

I know I did nothing to provoke this so I have no idea how she decided to do this. I just haven't contacted them, but neither have they! So I answered the door in the end, said to apologise to the landlord and to get lost, told her I received no messages nothing to let me know she was planning something like this, she was there with her best friend from school. I'm just so angry now, upset but more just in shock. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't contacted other people, she probably hassled my neighbours while I was out earlier and I just can't believe she made the landlord travel over and try and break into my place on a Saturday night. I see now she's just sent a text apologising.

Why she didn't send me any text earlier or anytime in the past days or weeks or even months is what I can't understand! I feel sick to the stomach and don't know what's going to happen because I've been happy living here but now the landlord will probably be concerned there really is something wrong. I'm actually thinking of reporting her or something, she had absolutely no reason to do this.

OP. Sorry for reposting your original post but I wanted to mark out some sentances that stood out to me.

There could be a million and one reasons why your sister was looking to speak to you but because you didnt find out why you are going to be imagining all sorts. Would it really be that bad to just ask her why she arrived at your door? I mean she did try to contact you and you didnt answer the phone, she did text you the next day to apologise and you didnt take the oportunity to find out then.

Perhaps your sister wanted to ring you rather than text as there was something extremely important she wanted to talk to you about. You say your family have your number if they want to contact you but when they do you dont want to talk to them (perhaps understandably) so how are they meant to contact you?

As for saying your sister broke in, well she didnt break in did she? She got your landlord to let her in. Still bad but not as if she smashed a window to come in and rob all your stuff. The landlord was with her so I doubt very much he would have left her in your place on her own if you were not there.

username123

sunflower27 wrote: »

I don't really talk about this stuff as most people find it difficult to grasp why anyone does not want a family member in their life and I think this thread reflects that.

All I can say is that I hope you let this all go - as I did. If I didn't I think I'd have made myself ill.

+1.

Ive heard a lot of guff over the years about blood being thicker than water etc... Its rubbish, if you wish to disassociate yourself from family for whatever reasons you are entitled to do so - sometimes family can be the most toxic influence in a persons life and its healthier to estrange yourself from them. A lot of people just do not get that. Im glad for them that they have positive family experiences, but its not that way for everyone.

For the OP. Having thought a little bit more on this thread Id be inclined to advise you to just put the whole matter behind you, ignore any contact from your family, and let your landlord know that these people are not to be given any kind of access to your home.

And I hope youre feeling a bit better about it today.

LegacyUser

Lollipops23 wrote:

I really don't think there was anything dodgy at work here- she did try to call her several times during the day. My first reaction would be that there was something wrong?

Look I don't know where you're getting this from or why you would try to twist what I said. I got 1 MISSED CALL that evening while I was in bed asleep. During the day I was BUSY and could not take calls so the phone was not switched on. Later when I checked there were 2 empty voicemails but because the phone had been OFF there was no record of anyone who called but I thought there would be a text if anyone wanted me to contact them. I don't know how much clearer I can make this! But if you prefer to have your idea of what you think happened, fine, but this is not helpful to actual situation I posted about.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your post sunflower27 and to others who posted who have been helpful, but I can't reply to all. You're right about letting things go and actually I'd been doing well with this and was just thinking recently how much happier and at peace I was, like someone pointed out about self esteem etc and to think that this person could then just barge into my life for their own selfish reasons. I feel that everything has stopped dead, I haven't been able to eat, sleep or anything since it happened. I don't get angry easily, it takes a lot to make me feel anger but now that it's sinking in I can't just let go of it because it is literally so close to home. If it was a situation of my own making that I had some part in making happen then it would be easier to deal with. And the other person she brought along with her, basically a complete stranger to me I don't know what her mentality was either that she thought it was ok, probably she lied to her as well.

LegacyUser

gazzer wrote: »

There could be a million and one reasons why your sister was looking to speak to you but because you didnt find out why you are going to be imagining all sorts. Would it really be that bad to just ask her why she arrived at your door? I mean she did try to contact you and you didnt answer the phone, she did text you the next day to apologise and you didnt take the oportunity to find out then.

Again and I don't know why i'm wasting my time answering this. I have said several times already I DON'T CARE what her reasons were! I am not even remotely interested or curious about someone of the mentality who would tell lies and manipulate people to the point of barging into someone's home, without bothering to make an effort to get in touch with the person concerned, the person who supposedly is at the centre of it all! To me it is just beyond insane! If people broke into your home while you were in bed asleep would you want to ask them about how they were feeling?!

Perhaps your sister wanted to ring you rather than text as there was something extremely important she wanted to talk to you about. You say your family have your number if they want to contact you but when they do you dont want to talk to them (perhaps understandably) so how are they meant to contact you?

Well what's wrong with sending a text as well as a call?! If she had made effort to contact and let me know anything then what happened wouldn't have happened. So it just leads me to think she was determined that day to break into my home no matter what and create a conflict situation with her best friend there as an audience, and not to mention my neighbours and the landlord being there. I just can't believe what a thoughtless, selfish bitch she is and I honestly didn't realise just how much until this.