Total Write Off - THE FINAL!

alchemist33

I haven't looked at the other commments yet, and hope to God I'll have made my mind up before the end of this post.

Cyan - very skilfully done, with excellent descriptions. However, the mix of omniscient and close 3rd person point of view jarred. It would have been better if it was all close in. I also felt the pacing was off, with too much time devoted to the concert scene, and the end came about too simply.

But the prose was fantastic.

Orange - I felt this was a better story, with the "catch" introduced halfway through quite skilfully. I don't know if people are allowed comment on punctuation etc. but I had difficulties with the dialogue, such as full stops used where commas should have been, and, more importantly, different characters speaking within the same paragraph. This made it harder to grasp who was doing what. I also thought it would have benefitted from a more definitive ending. It clearly intimated soemthing bad was going to happen, but my reading of the protagonist was that he was the sort of character who would do something to get them out of the situation rather than wait for the inevitable.

That said, excellent story, with more defined characters.

So, by a whisker, i'll vote Orange.

gottarun

I like Cyans visual appeal, I was there in the whole scene. Possibly because it read like a mosaic synopsis of so many movies (Taken, Hostel etc) this reality was easy to settle inot. The story line is unsettling due to the amount of people who are appearing on lamp-post posters over the past number of years. This makes it very real for many. Potentially a good movie script but for me a little formulaic as a story despite being very well put together.

I've gone with Orange and I simply want to know when the rest of the book will be finished.

The randomness of the developing storyline means it is a bit confusing, the block prose and cluttered conversation adds to the drama of the story leading at one point for me to believe that Robert was actually a girl spirit observing the happenings as part of a family setting speaking in Franks mind.

The whole short story line felt as if set in mid 40's with stereotypical familial roles for the players yet extremely supernatural and disturbing at the same time.

More!

FewFew

Enjoyable reads all round.

CYAN - Excellent visual element and nicely descriptive. I could really visualize the whole concert scene. There the compliments end though.

Story was hugely predictable, the minute the guy appeared you knew it was going to be a date rape/kidnap type situation. The story kinda loses itself after the carpark scene. Ok, so all these terrible things happen and she remembers them in a nightmarish flashback kind of way, but... I can't quite put my finger on it, but the step from one the carpark to the clinic wasn't handled well. There wasn't really a sense of time. I assumed she was brought somewhere directly after the concert, and the Somerset bit threw me again. Maybe the aim was to achieve the disorientating effect Jenny is feeling, but it's just another paragraph so the reader continues on.
The turmoil and pain at the end... I just didn't buy it. Felt like words on a page. It wasn't so much that it was cliched, but, I just didn't feel any emotional connection there.

Few other bits with repetition in sentences etc. that made me feel it was just shy of being the piece it could have been. The lack of a twist or anything unexpected made me feel it was more the kind of story you'd find in a teenaged girl magazine.

Now... that does seem overly negative, based on the amount of copy going on about problems, but you can see why Cyan made the final, the ability is there, I just think the story was too weak.

ORANGE - Formatting was tricky, but formatting is always a bit tricky online. I kinda let that slide, even though I had to go back and re-read a paragraph where a time/location shift wasn't indicated.

Must say I really liked this story. I was a bit lost at the start, but in a good way, I knew the characters weren't instantly going to be introduced, so that's ok. From the off I liked the sense of menace from the father. I didn't see the telekinesis bit coming, but I did think the dad was going to be strict to the point of insane, and I liked how it wasn't spelled out for the reader but everything was so brilliantly put together that we sense it.

At the start I wasn't sure about the writing. It felt a bit too stop start. Then I realised that my reading was falling into the rhythm of the story and suddenly it really added to the sense of terror that everyone was feeling.

The telekinesis bit was a nice addition and the sense that it had happened before was a nice touch, especially at the end when it's revealed that there are more buried in the garden.

Must say I disagree with anyone who complains that this feels like an excerpt from a larger piece. Honestly I think it'd be destroyed if there was anything added to it. An intro that explains what's going on? No thanks. An ending that sees the boys running about, escaping their dad like an action movie? Not for me. I really think it does a disservice to Orange's craftsmanship to think it's meant to be any other way than it is... the intro is a perfect slow build and the ending is a great final twist added on top of another twist. A definite ending would ruin it.

Someone said it in an earlier comment, but I think Orange has really given us a masterclass in how to use the reader's imagination to get the job done.

+1 for Orange.



When do all the colours get matched up to the names? I'm interested to go back and read stuff from boardsies I haven't had the pleasure of reading yet

Mr E

ORANGE

Nearly 100 votes for this is superb!
There should be a good few more before Wednesday morning.
I can't wait to see the final results.

viadah

Orange for me, sets an interest to come back for more. To me it had a coldness that made me want to warm to it, if that makes sense. The punctuation seems stilted, sharp and ordered, suggesting the mood of the house. As for the format, I just came off reading 'Smallcreep's Day' again so it definitely wasn't alien to me.

As for Cyan, while well written, it suffers for me because as part of that general 'scene' myself (the music, not the rapeyness) too much seemed stereotyped and predictable.

Like I have a clue anyway.

Barrt2

orange just wow amazing stroy very sad well written

Antilles

Woo, the result will be known by the time I get to work tomorrow

Antilles

Well done orange! Your stories were stellar all the way through and you completely deserve the win!

(and also now I don't feel so bad about going out to you in an earlier round )

Mr E

ORANGE

Congrats to Orange!

angelll

Congratulations orange,can't wait to see who it is

FewFew

Phew! I had the fear that Cyan would win, just as X-Factor tops the charts. Well done Orange, that story was excellent

Mr E

ORANGE

Fewcifur wrote: »

Phew! I had the fear that Cyan would win, just as X-Factor tops the charts. Well done Orange, that story was excellent

Not really fair, Fewcifur. Cyan's story was superb too. Both authors proved their worth to get to the final, and either story would have been a worthy winner.

There are no Wagners or Jedwards here, my friend.

FewFew

Mr E wrote: »

Not really fair, Fewcifur. Cyan's story was superb too. Both authors proved their worth to get to the final, and either story would have been a worthy winner.

There are no Wagners or Jedwards here, my friend.

Ah yeah, Cyan's story was good and certainly more accessible. I wasn't heading to the Jedward scale of the spectrum, but more towards the popular vote. Cyan's story was easier to read, if I was just skimming through boards I would have voted for Cyan's story as an enjoyable read and dismissed Orange because I had to pay attention.

pickarooney

Congratulations to ORANGE!

A big thanks to everyone who entered, who voted and especially those who left feedback. 123 votes is a pretty decent turnout for the final. Comparing feedback to votes cast throughout the course of polling, there was a fairly steady 60/40 split so everything tallies up nicely and fairly.

Who wants to have a go at matching up the colours to some or all of the 16 names in the original list? I'll reveal the names around midday unless the winner prefers to come out and bask in the glory of victory before that time.

Hrududu

Antilles wrote: »

Well done orange! Your stories were stellar all the way through and you completely deserve the win!

(and also now I don't feel so bad about going out to you in an earlier round )

Red?

Antilles

I was blue.

pickarooney

Might as well end the suspense...

In ascending order:

1st round
PURPLE: Doluc
MAGENTA: Phantasos
GOLD: Turtyturd
BROWN: Killer_banana
BRONZE: smcgiff
PLATINUM: Mr E
GREEN: angelll
YELLOW: Aoibheann

Quarter Finals
COPPER: Slow Show
BLUE: Antilles
PINK: Memnoch
BLACK: Insect Overlord

Semi Finals
WHITE: Blush_01
RED: azzeretti

Final
CYAN: Oryx
ORANGE: Hrududu

Congratulations once again to Hrududu

Oryx

Jaysis I can take off me mask now.

Well done Orange/Hrududu, I knew it was you when you didnt crit your own story, lol.

Consistent storytelling all the way from you, you deserve your win.

But some great stories along the way, it was a brill competition.

Mr E

ORANGE

Oryx wrote: »

Oryx
Pumping Iron
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Little House on the Prairie
Posts: 8,888

Nice.

So when's round 2?!

Hrududu

Oryx wrote: »

I knew it was you when you didnt crit your own story,

Heh, I thought that might be a giveaway. I loved reading all the entries throughout the different rounds. It was a lot of fun.

pickarooney

Round two is a novel competition.

The Mad Hatter

pickarooney wrote: »

Round two is a novel competition.

Round one was novel too.

Oryx

By that I hope you mean new and unique rather than 40,000 words...

pickarooney

Nothing gets past you.

Mr E

ORANGE

pickarooney wrote: »

Nothing gets past you.

Apart from teh win.

Zing!

*runs away*

Oryx

Mr E wrote: »

Apart from teh win.

Zing!

*runs away*

Always the bridesmaid. Never the bride. Sigh.

pickarooney

Oryx wrote: »

Always the bridesmaid. Never the bride. Sigh.

That thought popped into my head several times in the last week. How many silver medals have you now?

Oryx

pickarooney wrote: »

That thought popped into my head several times in the last week. How many silver medals have you now?

I don't know. A few. Mrs Average, me. But at least I'm doing better than in triathlon when I'm nearly always last.

pickarooney

so, Hrududu, when's the book coming out?

chucken1

Well done to both winners

Great stories!!