The friend zone!

Waestrel

The worst place for a man to be we can all agree, but what does a man have to do , or not do to get into the dreaded friend zone? Im not asking for advice, as i dont currently find myself in this situation (or have ever) , im just curious as how a man can let himself fall into it. I would guess in a situation where the woman is of higher socail value than the man, so he is afraid to ask her out and instead settles for being close to her by providing a shoulder to cry on, assisting in manly chores and assiduously avoiding the issue of intimacy.

But, it cuts the other way too, I have had female friends who i was happy to be just as friends, who actually developed feelings for me. this is most strange, as I assumed it was easy for a man (even a handsome interesting guy like me ) to get freind zoned. Is it possible that the FZ is more a product of a mans attitude to women rather than being too friendly?

um7y1h83ge06nx

I think slipping into the friend zone happens when you are attracted to a girl but you leave it too late to go for it and make things really happen.

Back in first year of college I got a little burned by really falling for a friend. I should have made a move months before that but I was too shy.

It was a great learner though, I never ended up getting caught in the friend zone when I didn't want to.

tallaghtmick

The person in the friend zone doesnt really let themselves get into that situation the man/woman they fancy put them there by choice.

um7y1h83ge06nx

tallaghtmick wrote: »

The person in the friend zone doesnt really let themselves get into that situation the man/woman they fancy put them there by choice.

Actually that's pretty true, well said.

Although when you are genuinely friends with someone it can be difficult to change the intention of things from being platonic friends to something a little more sexual. Then again, as I said I sort of avoid that these days so I don't have much practical experience.

MitchKoobski

I've fallen into it a couple of times, but have emerged since with at least one best mate instead.

Alopex

Women put men they're not attracted to in the friend zone.

To avoid it she has to fancy you in the first place.

Dravokivich

This "Friend Zone" thing is vastly over hyped by shíte movies and TV shows. Just like that "Nice Guys" thing as well.

Some blokes are just timid, the same can possibly be said for women. That's it as far as I've ever seen.

paulmclaughlin

What's meant for you, won't pass you by.

I find I get FZ'd the odd time but in the end, it's her loss. If someone doesn't appreciate what your relationship could be, they aren't worth trying for that relationship.

Mr. Incognito

tallaghtmick wrote: »

The person in the friend zone doesnt really let themselves get into that situation the man/woman they fancy put them there by choice.

This imo is bollox. Why would you blame someone that is not interested being polite saying "lets be friends"- would you rather they were ignorant and said, ah no- feck off.

If you fancy someone you have two choices, ask them out or be a chicken and put up with this "friend zone" lark. Most girls don't ask a fella out and sometimes they might actually WANT to be asked out by you.

The only rule I have is if I am seeing someone and they say- let's be friends- I say hell no. What is the point of putting yourself through torture just to be polite. If they aren't interested tell them to f off. I have enough friends.

tallaghtmick

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

This imo is bollox. Why would you blame someone that is not interested being polite saying "lets be friends"- would you rather they were ignorant and said, ah no- feck off.

If you fancy someone you have two choices, ask them out or be a chicken and put up with this "friend zone" lark. Most girls don't ask a fella out and sometimes they might actually WANT to be asked out by you.

The only rule I have is if I am seeing someone and they say- let's be friends- I say hell no. What is the point of putting yourself through torture just to be polite. If they aren't interested tell them to f off. I have enough friends.

How is it bollox you just said it yourself if a guy asks a girl out or vice versa and they say no where do they go....the friend zone,one way or the other you will end up n the friend zone.

Malari

tallaghtmick wrote: »

How is it bollox you just said it yourself if a guy asks a girl out or vice versa and they say no where do they go....the friend zone,one way or the other you will end up n the friend zone.

Not necessarily! Presumably if she says no, you often end up in the "no contact" zone.

Larianne

tallaghtmick wrote: »

How is it bollox you just said it yourself if a guy asks a girl out or vice versa and they say no where do they go....the friend zone,one way or the other you will end up n the friend zone.

Or you can just become an acquaintance? Don't hang out with them any more?

If you are friends with someone and then become attracted to them you can't blame said friend for not liking you back.

amacachi

Larianne wrote: »

Or you can just become an acquaintance? Don't hang out with them any more?

If you are friends with someone and then become attracted to them you can't blame said friend for not liking you back.

True, though I think ya can blame them when they start really fcuking taking liberties. :pac:

minidazzler

tallaghtmick wrote: »

The person in the friend zone doesnt really let themselves get into that situation the man/woman they fancy put them there by choice.

I completely disagree, the onus is on the man to not become friends with someone who they are attracted to. Simply be upfront early in the friendship and you shouldn't slip into the friend zone.

tallaghtmick

minidazzler wrote: »

I completely disagree, the onus is on the man to not become friends with someone who they are attracted to. Simply be upfront early in the friendship and you shouldn't slip into the friend zone.

And what if she doesnt fancy him?Its not the stoneage he cant just clobber he over the head and drag her back to his cave.

paulmclaughlin

tallaghtmick wrote: »

And what if she doesnt fancy him?Its not the stoneage he cant just clobber he over the head and drag her back to his cave.

Move on...

I_am_LOST

In my opinion the 'friend zone' crap is a load of bollix. It's not a case of if you don't ask her out in the first week of knowing her you're stuck in the 'friend zone' and can't ask her out after that. It's a load of bollix people make up as an excuse.

My ex and I were good friends before we got together. He should've asked me out from the beginning (or rather I should've asked him out) but it didn't happen. We were both too chicken and ended up being friends. A few years later we get together.

parker kent

Dravokivich wrote: »

This "Friend Zone" thing is vastly over hyped by shíte movies and TV shows. Just like that "Nice Guys" thing as well.

+1 Both of them belong in the bad movies and TV shows they came from.

Snowie

I think it's down to a few things....

I would say when a lonely male starts to share to much of his own life with the girls he's interested in, she clocks it and says I'm going to share my life with him and before you know it your booth sharing your life with each other and boom your in the friends zone... The. The male gets disappointed but the reason why he's their is simple hes running before he walked....

minidazzler

tallaghtmick wrote: »

And what if she doesnt fancy him?Its not the stoneage he cant just clobber he over the head and drag her back to his cave.

Move on, find someone who does, there are 3.6 BILLION women in the world, there are a few thousand that you could potentially happily go out with.

Alopex

minidazzler wrote: »

I completely disagree, the onus is on the man to not become friends with someone who they are attracted to. Simply be upfront early in the friendship and you shouldn't slip into the friend zone.

nail on head

py2006

The friend zone is not nonsense!! It happens all the time!

I became friends with a girl recently and there was a hint of mutal attraction but because I didn't make a move the attraction faded away and it became a friends thing.

It happens.

Pyr0

Friend zone only really happens when one party is not interested in a relationship or anything happening at all with the other.

gargleblaster

It's an ego-massaging excuse, IMO.

It seems to me that what happens is people might have an initial attraction, but then after they get to know each other a little more, one decides they're not interested. The person rejected then might perceive that they've been 'friend-zoned', when really the other person was just never that attracted to them to begin with. It's certainly not just something men are relegated to.

If someone doesn't fancy you that much, you get 'friend-zoned', that's it. Nothing to do with not seizing the moment or getting friendly without making your attraction to the other person obvious. Doing so might result in a date or two before they realized you weren't for them, but the bottom line is there just was never all that much attraction there to begin with.

Alopex

gargleblaster wrote: »

It's an ego-massaging excuse, IMO.

It seems to me that what happens is people might have an initial attraction, but then after they get to know each other a little more, one decides they're not interested. The person rejected then might perceive that they've been 'friend-zoned', when really the other person was just never that attracted to them to begin with. It's certainly not just something men are relegated to.

If someone doesn't fancy you that much, you get 'friend-zoned', that's it. Nothing to do with not seizing the moment or getting friendly without making your attraction to the other person obvious. Doing so might result in a date or two before they realized you weren't for them, but the bottom line is there just was never all that much attraction there to begin with.

very true. I think its more associated with women because they tend to still be interested in being friends with a guy who fancies them. When a girl fancies a guy but its not mutual he isn't bothered continuing the friendship. Plus she is more likely to have other options and moves on.

py2006

gargleblaster wrote: »

It's an ego-massaging excuse, IMO.

It seems to me that what happens is people might have an initial attraction, but then after they get to know each other a little more, one decides they're not interested. The person rejected then might perceive that they've been 'friend-zoned', when really the other person was just never that attracted to them to begin with. It's certainly not just something men are relegated to.

If someone doesn't fancy you that much, you get 'friend-zoned', that's it. Nothing to do with not seizing the moment or getting friendly without making your attraction to the other person obvious. Doing so might result in a date or two before they realized you weren't for them, but the bottom line is there just was never all that much attraction there to begin with.

In fairness, that happens yes, but it is not the situation ALL the time.

dsmythy

The solution is to be ruthless. Tell them your into them that way earlier and harder. If they want to just be friends put them down as just a random contact and find someone who actually wants to be more.

Bloody Nipples

The friend zone is what happens to passive guys who just lurk around the object of their affections hoping to get noticed as a potential partner.

There can be something a little underhanded about a guy who's willing to hang around in the friend zone, as they have ulterior motives towards their friend and can often be the white knight types who hang about waiting to jump to the girl's aid in the event of a crisis occurring.

I realise this doesn't apply to people who were friends first before developing feelings but I find the idea of a guy developing a friendship with a girl while really just wanting to get into her pants a little off-putting because I feel that it's more of a friendship of convenience for the guy, as in he's using it as a means to an end.

I understand that these guys are lacking in confidence to be forthright with their feelings but as a guy whose had to deal with these kinds of guys lurking around previous girlfriends, the don't restrain themselves to single girls but do it to girls in relationships too so they can be in the vicinity if a breakup happens. They can also be very passive-aggressive to guys the girl shows an interest in which is intensely irritating.

Though as mentioned above, girls can also have fairly repugnant attitudes to guys needlessly string them along so they're available as an ego-boost when they're feeling down.

My feeling on the whole thing is that if a guy has feelings for a girl but these aren't reciprocated, then establishing a friendship is going to do more harm than good and only prolong the feelings of rejection a guy has to deal with when rebuffed. Going cold turkey until both people are in a position where they can lay the groundwork for a platonic friendship, is in my eyes, the best way to deal with these situations.

BigDuffman

Hmmm as previous posters have said, the friend zone is waaay too complicated. As the dynamic in a group can change! As when you meet someone initially you or they may be in a relationship so feeling other than pultonic friendship may not be fostered.

If this dynamic changes due to both people becoming single for example, if there is an attraction at some level it may not take much to knock the relationship out of the friends rutt.

Just get some clever maneuvering lined up. Invite a group consisting of trusted conspirer/s out. Add alcohol, get conspirers to phase out and get your casual playful flirt on! Plant the seed (not physically) and see what happens.

Carefull consideration before you try anything above a playfull flirt as nothing ruins a friendship quicker than a drunken advance!

fonecrusher1

How did you get into the friend zone?

Your in the friend zone because you let yourself get there.

Option A - Ask her out, get a knockback. Wanna be friends? No thanks = end of relationship, move on.

Option B - Ask her out, get a knockback. Wanna be friends? Yeah ok:(.... you know fine well you'll hang around for months even years hoping one day she'll finally want to be with you in the same way you want to be with her. Not going to happen im afraid.

Option A ALWAYS! Theres no way in hell i'd hang around a girl like some sort of lapdog for months on end waiting for something thats never going to happen.

Being friendzoned is sh!te but there are loads of other women out there.

entropi

I dont necessarily believe in a "friend zone" myself, as that term to me just smacks of an American-ism people made up from reading too much in to PUA type bullshit material and situations.

I've been guilty of doing some of those actions even up to recent years, but these days the way I see it in my life is simple; there are women You can only see Yourself being friends with, there are women You are attracted to, and there are women You are attracted to, but are either in a relationship, or are developing one with someone else, so You have no choice but to be friends.

Only one of these will apply at any one time.

Larianne

Just from reading this thread, it has me wondering whether most guys who are friends with girls are just doing so so they have a chance to get into their pants?

Or is it something younger guys do?

entropi

Larianne wrote: »

Just from reading this thread, it has me wondering whether most guys who are friends with girls are just doing so so they have a chance to get into their pants?

Or is it something younger guys do?

I cant speak for the guys around the 15-24 age group myself, but the way my life has turned out, I just happen to have friends who are women. We'd get along, have similar/conflicting interests, but there's no visible spark so they remain friends and nothing will ever happen, as I'd see them as not interested. If they wanted to pursue something, then so be it...if a woman wants me for something other than friendship, she can initiate something if she likes, and see how that turns out.

Alot of men are just as confused as women with a lot of this signals malarky, if more people can just be out straight about what they want, it would be so much easier.

fonecrusher1

Larianne wrote: »

Just from reading this thread, it has me wondering whether most guys who are friends with girls are just doing so so they have a chance to get into their pants?

Or is it something younger guys do?

Personally i couldn't be friends with a girl i found attractive & i certainly couldn't be around a girl i was mad about 'as a friend'. I'd be bullsh!ting myself regarding the motives behind the relationship.

This is going to sound seriously shallow but if she was unattractive & shared the same interests as me then yeah we could be friends i suppose but really only because deep down i would consider her more one of the lads than a woman.

Gandalph

The friendzone is fricken awesome, u get to watch them get changed

gargleblaster

Gandalph wrote: »

The friendzone is fricken awesome, u get to watch them get changed

:pac:

So what exactly is the friend zone?

Some people seem to be using it to describe something made up of the type of people who can't bring themselves to accept just being a person's friend, and will therefore wait in the wings while the friend has other relationships, waiting for a chance to possibly be with them in the future.

Others seem to be describing simple relationship dynamics which I thought were common in groups of friends who've known each other for a long time, so in that case I don't understand the need for a special name for 'being friends with someone whom you might have dated or might still want to date if circumstances were different'.

Still others seem to be saying the 'friend zone' is made up of people who wish to have nothing to do with someone if there isn't the possibility of a relationship/sex.

Maybe it's just me but I'm finding it hard to understand what the term is even supposed mean at this point.

Logical Fallacy

It's like everything else, it means different things to different people.

parker kent

Gandalph wrote: »

The friendzone is fricken awesome, u get to watch them get changed

That's the gay-friendzone :pac:

gargleblaster

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

It's like everything else, it means different things to different people.

Ah, fiddlesticks. How can you have a conversation about something if you can't define your terms?

Alopex

parker kent wrote: »

That's the gay-friendzone :pac:

Lol I thought voyeur-zone.

For some reason it completely bypassed my thought process that a girl would let a male friend watch her change. I just assumed he meant being friends with her gave him the opportunity to plant a spycam

Larianne wrote:

Just from reading this thread, it has me wondering whether most guys who are friends with girls are just doing so so they have a chance to get into their pants?

Or is it something younger guys do?

Mostly yes. I would also say the girl is usually aware but pretends she doesnt because she likes a pathetic fool to be there for her 24/7

entropi

Alopex wrote: »

Mostly yes. I would also say the girl is usually aware but pretends she doesnt because she likes a pathetic fool to be there for her 24/7

True and wise words...no woman without a fetish for it, wants a man to be at her beck and call all the time. Women generally do not like a doormat to be walked all over, there has to be some challenge to it or its not fun.

gargleblaster

I'm completely lost. So - from the last couple of posts, am I understanding things correctly when I summarize thusly:

- Most men who are friends with women aren't really friends, they're just hanging around to try to get sex.

- Most women with male friends know that the men 'friends' only want sex, that they aren't really friends, so they're just using these men as doormats.

- No woman without a fetish for men as doormats wants male friends.

I must be getting things completely twisted around, because wtf.

parker kent

gargleblaster wrote: »

I'm completely lost. So - from the last couple of posts, am I understanding things correctly when I summarize thusly:

- Most men who are friends with women aren't really friends, they're just hanging around to try to get sex.

- Most women with male friends know that the men 'friends' only want sex, that they aren't really friends, so they're just using these men as doormats.

- No woman without a fetish for men as doormats wants male friends.

I must be getting things completely twisted around, because wtf.

I summarise those few points with this technical term: Loadabollix.

You're right to call BS on those viewpoints. Of course men and women can be friends without one being a passive aggressive, doormat who is secretly in love or the other being a cunning, manipulative schemer out for an ego-boost. I'd normally list the girls I meet that are obviously attractive as follows:

- Girls I really fancy and would find it difficult to be just friends
- Girls I think are attractive, but have no real interest in anything romantic with them and can easily be friends. In other words, in a different time or stage of life, something might have happened. But I have no desire for anything other than friendship with them once I get to know them. If I didn't know them and saw them on a night out or somewhere, I might think "Yeah I would..." and I'm sure it is plausible that with the right combination of events sex could happen. But it is not as if the group of people I'd consider having sex with are necessarily the same group I'd see myself in a relationship with.

A large amount of my friends are women. I work with women. Most of my classes at 3rd level and in my postgrads were women. I grew up in a house with lots of women. I'm used to being around women and can easily get on with them. I count lots of them as friends. Some are good looking girls, but I have no interest in a relationship with them. Another time, another place perhaps.

When I meet a girl who I find attractive and would be interested in something more and she doesn't think likewise, I'd move on and not torture myself playing passive aggressive games. I'm really not sure that there are as many men and women in situations like that. Of course there are some, but not that many. They are mainly in online discussions and stupid movies.

gargleblaster

^^^ All of that makes sense to me.

Well, except for the part about seeing someone attractive and they don't agree about wanting a relationship so it would be torture to settle for only friendship. I don't think I've ever met someone and instantly thought 'OMG they're so hot/charming/???, I can't possibly be just friends with them'. That usually comes from knowing them, in which case, well I'm not sure, but I think you might already count as friends. Or maybe just acquaintances, but even in that case I would count it as just a crush and figure it will fade over time, so - again, not getting the torture aspect.

parker kent

gargleblaster wrote: »

^^^ All of that makes sense to me.

Well, except for the part about seeing someone attractive and they don't agree about wanting a relationship so it would be torture to settle for only friendship. I don't think I've ever met someone and instantly thought 'OMG they're so hot/charming/???, I can't possibly be just friends with them'. That usually comes from knowing them, in which case, well I'm not sure, but I think you might already count as friends. Or maybe just acquaintances, but even in that case I would count it as just a crush and figure it will fade over time, so - again, not getting the torture aspect.

I'm not talking about making a snap decision just after meeting them. If you have really, genuinely fallen for somebody, I can't see a friendship working. Sure you may already count as friends or acquaintances, but I'd rather remove myself from contact with that person.

But those sort of very strong feelings are not the same as just noticing somebody is attractive and are not regular. Well not with me any way, there is only one friend that I had that I felt that way about. I saw her as my ideal girl. She thought otherwise. I tried to stay friends with her, but I could never see her as just a friend. So I had to get away from her.

gargleblaster

Yes, now that I do understand, all too well.

I for some reason thought the concept of the friend zone was limited more to people you were just getting to know.

parker kent

gargleblaster wrote: »

Yes, now that I do understand, all too well.

I for some reason thought the concept of the friend zone was limited more to people you were just getting to know.

Therein lies the issue with the "friendzone". It has no actual meaning outside of silly movies. Everything else is open to personal interpretation and semantics.

i need this

I think that if you like someone and leave it too long to tell them your feelings then you can fall into the friendzone..

this is just like if you are getting on really well and you are afraid or too shy to tell them how you feel..

the longer its left the harder it is for something to heppen between ye.

entropi

gargleblaster wrote: »

I'm completely lost. So - from the last couple of posts, am I understanding things correctly when I summarize thusly:

- Most men who are friends with women aren't really friends, they're just hanging around to try to get sex.

- Most women with male friends know that the men 'friends' only want sex, that they aren't really friends, so they're just using these men as doormats.

- No woman without a fetish for men as doormats wants male friends.

I must be getting things completely twisted around, because wtf.

I dont understand one bit of this lol...ok I understand the first two parts.

I'd say alot of men, not most men, would be sniffing around to see what they can get, if they can get it. Not all women I would imagine are thinking men are just being friendly so they can get in her knickers...although there are definitely women who enjoy this "cockteasers" are what I call them.

Its not unheard of for men and women to be purely friends, no ulterior motives or attraction on either side...I can admit that I have female friends I felt zero attraction to, and they had none either. We just work better as friends.

parker kent wrote: »

Therein lies the issue with the "friendzone". It has no actual meaning outside of silly movies. Everything else is open to personal interpretation and semantics.

Indeed...if You believe in it, it is what You make of it.

i need this wrote: »

I think that if you like someone and leave it too long to tell them your feelings then you can fall into the friendzone..

this is just like if you are getting on really well and you are afraid or too shy to tell them how you feel..

the longer its left the harder it is for something to heppen between ye.

Not always true, friends can hook up and continue being friends. Likewise, friends can develop feelings for each other and start a relationship. Its not unheard of

few cans?

There is nothing worse than when you convince yourself you dont fancy your female friend and therefore never make a move on her, and it is only when she begins a relationship with one of your friends that you realise you dont just fancy her, but you are actually horribly in love with her.

amacachi

...And not too long afterwards she comes on to you just like she did a few years before when she was with someone else. Or is that just me? :pac: