Getting engaged but never marry

7sr2z3fely84g5

Why do some people do this,been engaged for years but never get married,i think its mostly prevalent in young 20 somethings?.

Guill

In before 'Why do peole get married' debate.

Mint Sauce

Its not cheap to get married. I know at least one couple engaged for several years. I asked her one day so when are we getting a day out, we're as good as married at this point she said.

o1s1n

Some people feel like more than 'boyfriend and girlfriend' but aren't ready to be tied together financially in the eyes of the state.

chin_grin

Why is it important to you?

Kold

Weddings can be pretty expensive.

SheFiend

I think it's ridiculous. "Let's get engaged to be married, but not actually get married." Reminds me of kids hitting puberty and going batty over their first love, showing off engagement rings so everyone can see how in love they are. I think it smacks of insecurity, and an unstable / dishonest relationship. But then I do tend to read too much into these things.

It's still stupid though.

stovelid

To wangle sex from a frigid partner.

MungBean

Some people have better things to do with their 10k than pay for a day out and a slap up meal for their extended families.

Lollipops23

I'd echo the fact that wedding's aren't cheap- so they want to let people know they intend to get hitched as soon as they can afford it? Doesn't really bother me, although I do think it's strange when you see couples engaged for 7 years and no hint of a date being set....

TheZohanS

It normally happens after the guy fùcks up. Rather than go through a massive row he'll pop the question...either that or proposing after a few beers, your woman takes you seriously and then it snowballs after that.

marxcoo

To placate old-fashioned parents who think you shouldn't be living together.

MungBean

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I'd echo the fact that wedding's aren't cheap- so they want to let people know they intend to get hitched as soon as they can afford it? Doesn't really bother me, although I do think it's strange when you see couples engaged for 7 years and no hint of a date being set....

Marriage is the same as when your engaged if your living together. Its the same commitment, but over time they realise the only thing a wedding will change is their bank account.

Engagement = giving a ring and asking the other person to spend their lives with ya.

Marriage = giving a ring and agreeing to spend the rest of their lives together at huge cost.

Now that a civil partnership is pretty much the same in the eyes of the law as a marriage, weddings are being seeing as an expensive luxury rather than a necessity.

Then again some people might be afraid of the commitment, but the people I know who have been engaged for a long time see the wedding as something they dont need or cant afford.

EverEvolving

Cos fiance sounds better than boyfriend/girlfriend after years being together? Plus it shows more commitment to the relationship I suppose.

jester77

There comes a time, usually after 5 or 6 years, where the partner will start nagging about marriage. Engagement is a nice process for buying more time from a nagging partner.

bnt

I didn't know that was happening. It sounds strange, since "engaged" is shorthand for "engaged to be married" i.e. you're starting to make plans and will be setting a date soon if you haven't already.

I mean: if you're both going to be 100% monogamous for the foreseeable future, why not get married? Waiting for "someone better"? There's no room for half-measures in the relationship business. If you're not certain that he or she is "the one", then he or she is not "the one", and you're just delaying the inevitable breakup.

If the hassle and expense of a church wedding and big reception are what's holding you back - well, you don't have to have those things if you don't want them. I must be old-fashioned ...

daveyboy_1ie

Sure I knew a guy who claimed to be 'engaged to be engaged' with his misses.

I would assume a lot of the waiting is to save for the wedding etc. Or maybe some people just think the commitment to each other is enough without actually marrying.

SheFiend

From a lot of the reasons posted here, it seems that getting engaged with no intention to get married in the foreseeable future is just a way of proving to other people that your relationship is solid. Strange.

mal1

Skunkle wrote: »

Some people have better things to do with their 10k than pay for a day out and a slap up meal for their extended families.

Then why get engaged? Did you read the thread title?

Teyla Emmagan

I have a friend who got engaged. Mostly to keep himself 'on the straight and narrow' (his words). He has no intention of ever getting married. What she thinks seems to have nothing to do with it.

I think the whole thing is just ridiculous.

syklops

Speaking as someone in this situation, it is mostly about money for me. The days of the father of the bride stumping up for it, is long gone, unless, said father is a farmer who sold a load of land during the boom.

The cheapest possible solution still costs in the region of 1000 euro and if it is meant to be the happiest day of your life, then you dont want to do the cheapest possible solution.

And it wont change how I feel about my fellow boardsie, Aseth.

So, mal1, and sheFriend, and the other naysayers on here, unless you are willing to help fund the big day, what business of yours is it that we are not married?

excaliburhc

in same boat aswell - no interest in marriage - dont see what it brings or why it is necessary - outdated idea from fake religion (in my opinion)
it doesnt stop someone cheating , doesnt stop someone being abusive but on the other hand my missus was brought up as a typical irish girl - browbeat into believing in marriage - in having the big day - being a princess all that crap . sooooo compromise was to get engaged or end up disappointing her and potentially losing her.

nicowa

My brother and his fiance are in this situation. They got engaged about 8 years ago - both were still very young at the time, 19 and 21. So nobody really expected them to set a date for a while anyway. But she was really firm that she wanted to be in their own house before they set a date, renting wouldn't have helped them save for that so they lived at her parents house after a while. Now they're in their own home and they'll spend the next year getting it sorted. She always wanted a traditional wedding but both our family's are huge and she's not sure how much she'd get away with (in keeping the numbers down). At the moment they're considering going away to Rome and getting married there (since they got engaged there).

I feel a little bit guilty since she'll be my bridesmaid next year and I'm only engaged since January (and we were together only 4 months at that stage...). So I guess I'm in the opposite situation.

Lady von Purple

I know two couples in this situation.

One is bogged down in details: she wants a registry office wedding, he wants church.
The other is just "in no hurry." Both agreed, they'll set a date when they're ready (presumably financially or maybe just when they figure out details like where and how big a wedding.)

It's completely their own business, but it doesn't look like the former is actually going to get married. Which is a shame since they both want to.

deman

Kold wrote: »

Weddings can be pretty expensive.

Only if you allow them to be.

CathyMoran

I was engaged for years before we got married - I hated the idea of a big wedding and every time I started to prepare for our wedding there was pressure from both sides to have lots of people at it. We had a tiny wedding in the end (16 people including us).

My brother got engaged recently and then bought a house...they want a big wedding so are saving up for it.

Caraville

I don't understand long engagements. If it's a money thing then wait until you are in a better financial situation to make the announcement. There's nothing wrong with just being boyfriend & girlfriend- most people probably reach a certain age after a few years of going out & probably assume this is the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with anyway.

I dunno, I'd just find it frustrating if I was proposed to and 5 years later still wasn't married.

Kold

deman wrote: »

Only if you allow them to be.

The wedding or the woman?

Rabidlamb

I'm afraid the real reason is a lot simpler in many cases, unmarried mothers allowance.
Lad pretends he doesn't live there = profit.
Once you marry your spouses earnings become part of the means test so if he's working you'll probably get nothing.
Many young couples with kids can't afford to loose their entitlements by getting married.

green_dub_girl

excaliburhc wrote: »

on the other hand my missus was brought up as a typical irish girl - browbeat into believing in marriage - in having the big day - being a princess all that crap . sooooo compromise was to get engaged or end up disappointing her and potentially losing her.

If you really love her and intend to spend your life with her and you know, being your wife would make her really happy, why not? You sound a bit selfish/immature.....

syklops

deman wrote: »

Only if you allow them to be.

Outfit for you on the day 100 euro
Outfit for her for the day 100 euro
A cheap meal for 20 people ~20 euro(they buy their own drinks) 400 euro.

Total ~600 euro.

Thats the absolute minimum.

Kintarō Hattori

It's a question of priorities. I proposed to my good lady several years ago but I have no idea when exactly we will tie the knot. It's all a question of priorities. Getting married will cost a minimum of about €10,000 which for us constituted a good chunk of a deposit for the house that we bought this year. We now have a home so it's time to look at other things such as kids/pensions-health insurance-home improvements (general things)/marriage etc.

Getting engaged for me showed that I was committed to her which is why I proposed in the first place but some things are more important and need to be looked at first.

AnneElizabeth

jester77 wrote: »

There comes a time, usually after 5 or 6 years, where the partner will start nagging about marriage. Engagement is a nice process for buying more time from a nagging partner.

It's hardly nagging to expect to get married. If you don't want to show commitment, why be with them at all?

jimmycrackcorm

The question is wrong it should be: How do so many men get away with avoiding the commitment for so long....?

Wile E. Coyote

Skunkle wrote: »

Some people have better things to do with their 10k than pay for a day out and a slap up meal for their extended families.

So they'll spend €5k on a diamond ring instead so that the gf can show off to all her friends and pretend their going to get married :rolleyes:.

Also it doesn't cost €10k to get married. It costs that much to have the reception afterwards.

MungBean

Wile E. Coyote wrote: »

So they'll spend €5k on a diamond ring instead so that the gf can show off to all her friends and pretend their going to get married :rolleyes:.

Also it doesn't cost €10k to get married. It costs that much to have the reception afterwards.

Not everyone spends 5k on a diamond ring :rolleyes:

Did you miss the part where I said slap up meal ? :rolleyes: Usually happens at a reception ? :rolleyes:

Rolleyes are annoying aint they? :rolleyes:

lazygal

Kold wrote: »

Weddings can be pretty expensive.

Nah, it actually costs €150 to marry in Ireland. The big day out with all the frills is totally optional.

We got engaged and married seven months later. I know people engaged before us who are still waiting to get married, I think they really want a wedding rather than a marriage.

MungBean

lazygal wrote: »

Nah, it actually costs €150 to marry in Ireland. The big day out with all the frills is totally optional.

We got engaged and married seven months later. I know people engaged before us who are still waiting to get married, I think they really want a wedding rather than a marriage.

Its optional but its still pretty much the done thing, a wedding in most people minds is the whole shebang. A lot of people wouldnt even consider marriage as a registry job seeing as civil partnership is the same thing. But in order to express the commitment they propose.

I will eventually drop to one knee because thats most women’s dream. The man they love on bended knee asking her to spend her life with him. After that a wedding might not be possible. Marriage in a registry office not necessary. And ya end up engaged for 10 years until ya say to yourself this is weird we may get married.

Most people probably propose intending a big wedding and then find themselves not able to afford it.

EuropeanSon

AnneElizabeth wrote: »

It's hardly nagging to expect to get married. If you don't want to show commitment, why be with them at all?

Maybe because you enjoy being with them at that moment?

Just because something is good doesn't mean you have to want to have it forever.

Forest Master

syklops wrote: »

Speaking as someone in this situation, it is mostly about money for me. The days of the father of the bride stumping up for it, is long gone, unless, said father is a farmer who sold a load of land during the boom.

The cheapest possible solution still costs in the region of 1000 euro and if it is meant to be the happiest day of your life, then you dont want to do the cheapest possible solution.

And it wont change how I feel about my fellow boardsie, Aseth.

So, mal1, and sheFriend, and the other naysayers on here, unless you are willing to help fund the big day, what business of yours is it that we are not married?

Get engaged when you can afford the wedding then. Otherwise it's just pretentious.

Wile E. Coyote

Skunkle wrote: »

Not everyone spends 5k on a diamond ring :rolleyes:

Did you miss the part where I said slap up meal ? :rolleyes: Usually happens at a reception ? :rolleyes:

Rolleyes are annoying aint they? :rolleyes:

The :rolleyes: were directed at people who spend a fortune on engagement rings but then complain about the cost of a wedding day. Do you take personal offence to , and as well?

A slap up meal and a reception has nothing to do with a marriage. Some people do it, some don't. There's nothing forcing people to spend money on a reception. If they really want to get married, which is what an engagement ring signifies, then they can do that for €150.

Kintarō Hattori

Forest Master wrote: »

Get engaged when you can afford the wedding then. Otherwise it's just pretentious.

To be honest, why do you even have an opinion on it? Is it something you or indeed others need to be concerned with? I have to say I'm going to make a concerted effort to be less involved with/bothered about other peoples lives. Whatever someone else does with their life is their own decision and unless it directly affects me I can't see what business it is of mine or why I should have an opinion on it.

We are far too cynical a people. What the heck ever happened to live and let live?

phasers

My Sister has been engaged to her fiance for about 3 years now I think. They call each other husband and wife and don't really see the point in getting married. (well she does but would rather get her bathroom done up first :pac:)

The engagement was sort of spontaneous because he bought her a diamond ring when they were on holiday. I don't see the big deal really, the only difference between an engaged couple and a married one is a piece of paper.

xoxyx

What's wrong with getting engaged and not having a wedding in the immediate future?

For me, engagement means taking a new step in a relationship. You are acknowledging the fact that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You will get married some day, but, for now, you're engaged - which is so special! You may have twenty boyfriends / girlfriends in your lifetime, but you may only have one fiance. I don't see the problem in getting engaged and postponing the wedding until the right time or until you have the finances.

Getting engaged is a serious commitment, and I think it should stand up by itself!

MungBean

Wile E. Coyote wrote: »

The :rolleyes: were directed at people who spend a fortune on engagement rings but then complain about the cost of a wedding day. Do you take personal offence to , and as well?

A slap up meal and a reception has nothing to do with a marriage. Some people do it, some don't. There's nothing forcing people to spend money on a reception. If they really want to get married, which is what an engagement ring signifies, then they can do that for €150.

Your the second person this week that used rolleyes and I took offence to without reason. Its just them damn rolleyes. I apologise sincerely for being so ignorant.

I know theres nothing forcing them into a big wedding but its the done thing. Its most girls dream (accordin to the movies). Maybe different in more urban areas these days and registry wedding are more popular but in rural Ireland a wedding is both families getting together to celebrate the union of a man and woman with a huge celebration.

lazygal

phasers wrote: »

My Sister has been engaged to her fiance for about 3 years now I think. They call each other husband and wife and don't really see the point in getting married. (well she does but would rather get her bathroom done up first :pac:)

The engagement was sort of spontaneous because he bought her a diamond ring when they were on holiday. I don't see the big deal really, the only difference between an engaged couple and a married one is a piece of paper.

That piece of paper is mighty good for legal difficulties, inheritance, making sure children are looked after etc. I wouldn't wait around to save for a big party, we had a small wedding within budget but equally if we needed to we'd have nipped to the reg office and made things legal. Seriously can't understand adults waiting around just to save money for a party.

saa

Is there something wrong with not marrying is there something flawed about staying engaged

You wanted to get married and decided not to pay 15k for everyone else to have a dinner.

I'm not sure the age of the OP but yes maybe what you're wondering is marriage is not as important to younger genorations, there isnt as much of this "living in sin" malarkey as there use to be.

dearg lady

I used think it was kind of pointless but you guys are right, if it's what people choose to do, thats their business. I wouldn't be interested in a big wedding, so for me, if I ever decide to get married, I won't get engaged til I'm ready to get married and I would do it very quickly then. I don't wear rings anyway, so I wouldn't have any of that even.

Kalimah

I know a pair who are together 23 years and "engaged" for the last 12. She has a ring but they don't live together. My aunt says the woman has the two legs in the one stocking! No chance of the guy EVER getting anything. He should have dumped her years back.

syklops

Forest Master wrote: »

Get engaged when you can afford the wedding then. Otherwise it's just pretentious.

Pretentious, moi?

hatrickpatrick

To be honest I often wonder if you could have the engagement, HAVE the wedding to celebrate that you're going to spend your lives together, but not actually sign anything.
1: I honestly don't believe the government should have any knowledge, say, or role in my relationship.
2: I very strongly believe that once the security is there, for both men AND women, security breeds contempt. If I know she can't dump me easily for f*cking up, well, I'm probably going to subconsciously stop being on my best behavior amn't I? Isn't this why the stereotype of people turning into nagging, warring tribes after "I do" even exists?

EDIT: Not suggesting people would deliberately let themselves go or turn into monsters, but I just think that in general, security is pretty bad for something you care about. It allows you more room to screw up.
That's my theory on why there are so many negative stereotypes about marriage anyway.