having an affair

marieellen

i am going to be truthful and tell nothing but the truth.
i am a 32 year old woman and i've been married for the past 5 years to my best friend. we've been together since 18. i always looked down on people who cheat and never understood it and yet here i am. i suppose my life became a bit dull and boring perhaps and i had my problems in my relationship. i started to age and go grey and felt my life was over.. ''is this all there is to my life?'' is what i would think. i felt this way for a year before the affair started. when i met craig i began to feel sexy again. he continuously tells me how gorgeous i am and makes me feel so good about myself.
it started slowly. the man i would meet at a party became my friend and perhaps filled my emotional needs. i thought everything was good with my husband until i started falling in love with this other man called craig. it's been 6 months now since i've been with craig. we've done everything together but what is worrying me now is not only does my husband not know about the affair, my craig does not know i am married and he is madly in love with me. i am also in love with craig. i am just wondering how long this can go on before it blows up in my face!
i am aware that i am coming across as selfish but i am the kindest most loving woman to my love. i was the best wife until i fell in love and the best girlfriend to craig now. i just am so lost in my life as a result of this. i would like advice from people without being judged. so what do i do?
i cant imagine my life without my husband he's my best friend. i dont have those feelings for him anymore like i had for the first few years. i am not in love with him and dont feel jealous ever. i care about him so much and want him in my life. i can't lose him. i attempted on numerous occasions to stop the affair but then i miss craig. i have strong feelings for him in a romantic sense and he affects my feelings- i feel excited, jealous, alized, happy, content, hurt--- all kinds of feelings with him.
i am terrified as i have fallen in love with him. i need help. please help me. what do i do? i can't leave my husband and i cant leave craig.. how do i continue the affair but feel happy doing so?

tallaghtmick

marieellen wrote: »

i am going to be truthful and tell nothing but the truth.
i am a 32 year old woman and i've been married for the past 5 years to my best friend. we've been together since 18. i always looked down on people who cheat and never understood it and yet here i am. i suppose my life became a bit dull and boring perhaps and i had my problems in my relationship. i started to age and go grey and felt my life was over.. ''is this all there is to my life?'' is what i would think. i felt this way for a year before the affair started. when i met craig i began to feel sexy again. he continuously tells me how gorgeous i am and makes me feel so good about myself.
it started slowly. the man i would meet at a party became my friend and perhaps filled my emotional needs. i thought everything was good with my husband until i started falling in love with this other man called craig. it's been 6 months now since i've been with craig. we've done everything together but what is worrying me now is not only does my husband not know about the affair, my craig does not know i am married and he is madly in love with me. i am also in love with craig. i am just wondering how long this can go on before it blows up in my face!
i am aware that i am coming across as selfish but i am the kindest most loving woman to my love. i was the best wife until i fell in love and the best girlfriend to craig now. i just am so lost in my life as a result of this. i would like advice from people without being judged. so what do i do?
i cant imagine my life without my husband he's my best friend. i dont have those feelings for him anymore like i had for the first few years. i am not in love with him and dont feel jealous ever. i care about him so much and want him in my life. i can't lose him. i attempted on numerous occasions to stop the affair but then i miss craig. i have strong feelings for him in a romantic sense and he affects my feelings- i feel excited, jealous, alized, happy, content, hurt--- all kinds of feelings with him.
i am terrified as i have fallen in love with him. i need help. please help me. what do i do? i can't leave my husband and i cant leave craig.. how do i continue the affair but feel happy doing so?

You answered your own question there imo.

marieellen

tallaghtmick wrote: »

You answered your own question there imo.

thank you mick. but how do i get those feelings back for my husband? why did they have to go... life isnt fair. i don't find him attractive and have very little physical contact with him. i try to avoid any sort of sexual contact and i no longer kiss him on the mouth. there is no passion there at all but is that what happens eventually in every relationship? i used to fancy the a$$ off him, now i cant look at him in that light. what do i do? will the same happen with craig down the line

_mocha_

Well you have to remember that an affair in itself is exciting. Its an escape from reality. Its illicit. How do you know for sure that its not Craig that's making you feel so emotional and alive, but the fact that you're having an affair?
If your relationship with your husband is dead, then you should be honest with him about how you feel and consider marriage counselling.

Telling him about the affair is a gamble. Some people believe honesty is a must, but personally I believe that if it irreparably hurts him, don't tell him. But do something proactive, its not fair to string such a nice guy along. He probably guesses something is up since you can't touch him.

Unfortunately you can't have both. Its not fair to either of them, and the truth WILL come out.
Its up to you how its revealed.

Either give your marriage another try and ditch Craig, or, give up on your marriage and start a new life.

You can't bring back feelings for your husband that just aren't there anymore either. But maybe you could try a romantic weekend away or something?
To be honest though, do you want a marriage with a guy you can't bear to touch?

Its your choice.

Distorted

marieellen wrote: »

i am going to be truthful and tell nothing but the truth.

Telling the truth to a bunch of strangers is meaningless.

marieellen wrote: »

i thought everything was good with my husband until i started falling in love with this other man called craig.

You've only been married 5 years! So when you felt yourself start to fall for Craig, did the thought of leaving your husband/seperation/divorce never enter your mind?

marieellen wrote: »

i am aware that i am coming across as selfish but i am the kindest most loving woman to my love. i was the best wife until i fell in love and the best girlfriend to craig now.

You're quite good at blowing your own trumpet? Are you aware of any narcisstic streak in you, as this may explain your desire to be loved by another, when you have relatively recently acquired a husband? And to be honest, I have to say describing yourself as someone's girlfriend in the same breath you describe yourself as a wife strikes me as not quite right somehow - a bit juvenile, inappropriate, unaccepting of the truth.

marieellen wrote: »

i cant imagine my life without my husband he's my best friend. i dont have those feelings for him anymore like i had for the first few years. i am not in love with him and dont feel jealous ever. i care about him so much and want him in my life. i can't lose him. i attempted on numerous occasions to stop the affair but then i miss craig. i have strong feelings for him in a romantic sense and he affects my feelings- i feel excited, jealous, alized, happy, content, hurt--- all kinds of feelings with him.

marieellen wrote: »

Its called wanting your cake and eating it. Yeah, I think we get it with the feelings - they're the same feelings anyone gets when they start a relationship with someone new. I think the idea with marriage is that you accept that your relationship will mature and change over the years, but you get the benefits of stability and security in return.

marieellen wrote: »

i am terrified as i have fallen in love with him. i need help. please help me. what do i do? i can't leave my husband and i cant leave craig.. how do i continue the affair but feel happy doing so?

You can't be that terrified, or you wouldn't be doing it. I think your worried you will be found out and lose everything you have with your husband. And yes, it is a real risk. I think the only way to continue the affair however is to seperate from your husband and stop using him as a security blanket.

However, since you have attracted Craig under false pretences (he thinks you are single), who knows whether he will stay attracted to you?

I do think you've told too many people too many lies and its bound to come out, so the best way to deal with it is take control of the situation yourself and end either the affair or marriage now and hope neither comes out.

To be honest though, I don't think you should feel too pleased with yourself attracting another man, as its almost a bit like those conmen you read about who attract people by pretending they are something they are not. I think you have to face up to the fact that you are a person who tells big lies to more than one person and that is probably a bigger issue than the actual facts of this situation.

gargleblaster

marieellen wrote: »

i am aware that i am coming across as selfish but i am the kindest most loving woman to my love. i was the best wife until i fell in love and the best girlfriend to craig now.

Are you serious? You're lying to both of them.

They don't even know who you really are. Once they know that you're capable of this level of deception, then they'll know you.

how do i continue the affair but feel happy doing so?

Are you ******* serious?

You can't unless you somehow manage to rid yourself of having what little conscience you seem to have.

marieellen

gargleblaster wrote: »

Are you serious? You're lying to both of them.

They don't even know who you really are. Once they know that you're capable of this level of deception, then they'll know you.



Are you ******* serious?

You can't unless you somehow manage to rid yourself of having what little conscience you seem to have.

they do know who i am. i never intended for this to happen so keep your judgemental comments to yourself. i married my husband with the intention to stay with him till death do us part and i do have a conscience as it is tormenting me every second.
i am 100% myself with craig and when i'm with him i forget i even have a husband so yes they do in fact know me inside out. the only thing they do not know is that there is someone else. i confided all my thoughts and emotions everything in both of them. im basically detached from my husband and only doing the bear minimum with him.

LegacyUser

Tell your husband about your lack of love and attraction for him...you don't need to blow the whole thing out of the water and confess the affair but you need to be honest with him about your lack of attraction and love towards him. I suspect he's in his early 30s also and wouldn't want to throw away his life thinking he's in a stable loving relationship when instead another man is sleeping with his wife. He too deserves love in his life and not the crumbs that fall his way from your feelings of wanting a best friend but not much else from him. You are playing with fire and you are ruining (and have ruined) another man's life (your husband's).
Tell him the truth about how bad your relationship is, if you do attend counselling with him you may need to be totally honest and confess the adultery.
The only fair way of carrying on the affair is to agree with your husband that you'll both have an open relationship and then tell him about Craig,

You can't have your cake and eat it and you can't let a man live a fantasy life thinking all is fine with his wife. Craig probably won't dump you for being married because Craig is happily having his cake too, it's your husband who you need to open up and be honest with!

Distorted

marieellen wrote: »

they do know who i am. i never intended for this to happen so keep your judgemental comments to yourself. i married my husband with the intention to stay with him till death do us part and i do have a conscience as it is tormenting me every second.
i am 100% myself with craig and when i'm with him i forget i even have a husband so yes they do in fact know me inside out. the only thing they do not know is that there is someone else. i confided all my thoughts and emotions everything in both of them. im basically detached from my husband and only doing the bear minimum with him.

I would disagree and say they only know you as a projected idealised image. You are lying to both of them and only allowing them to see what you want them to see. They both think you are a different person to what you are. Your husband thinks you are a faithful wife and Craig thinks you are a single woman.

Do you think Craig would be so into you if you had told him from the start that you were married?

gargleblaster

marieellen wrote: »

they do know who i am. i never intended for this to happen so keep your judgemental comments to yourself. i married my husband with the intention to stay with him till death do us part and i do have a conscience as it is tormenting me every second.
i am 100% myself with craig and when i'm with him i forget i even have a husband so yes they do in fact know me inside out. the only thing they do not know is that there is someone else. i confided all my thoughts and emotions everything in both of them. im basically detached from my husband and only doing the bear minimum with him.

I believe it is tormenting you, but it didn't keep you from doing this for how long now?

And your question here was how to keep doing it, but avoid feeling bad about it. Think about that. Think about whether that's fair to these men whom you claim to care about, and what that says about your consideration for them or lack thereof.

As for the part I bolded - you're not even being honest with yourself if you believe that.

I get that you don't want to be judged. I'm not judging you, but it would be impossible to give you advice that didn't have moral content.

You got into this without ever meaning to do something wrong. But the fact remains that you have indeed done something wrong. We all make mistakes, and it's easy to hope that by continuing the way you're going, the issues will fix themselves somehow. But they wont. You may not have realised the position you were putting yourself in at the beginning, but now that you've written it all down, there's no denying that you've reflected on the situation. So the "continue the affair but feel happy doing so" thing just isn't a viable question any more. You know the position you're in and I think deep down you know it's not sustainable. You're very close to hurting the two most important men in your life, and possibly causing yourself a world of hurt in the process.

There are many options you can take
Husband: You can try to work things out/spice things up, or you can choose to tell him what's been going on, or you can leave him without having him know you've been cheating on him (at the end of the day it might be best if you left without him knowing about your boyfriend).
Boyfriend: You can stay with him after leaving your husband and never tell him what happened (he's sure to find out sometime though that you've been married), you can leave him to work things out with your husband, or you can come clean with him and see how he handles knowing you've made him the "other man".

Again, I'm not judging, but from your comment about being the best wife and girlfriend, I'd also have to advise that you try to get a better grasp of just how much hurt this will cause the two men in your life, and that their feelings are as important as yours. I know you're agonising over the situation. I know you're not a bad person by any means and that you just sort of fell into the situation, but it's at the stage now where you're going to have to step up and take responsibility for it. It's not that your happiness isn't important, it's just that the other people involved deserve to either know the truth or be set free.

I hope that whatever you do, you at least don't leave things the way they are now. Good luck with your decision.

marieellen

Distorted wrote: »

I would disagree and say they only know you as a projected idealised image. You are lying to both of them and only allowing them to see what you want them to see. They both think you are a different person to what you are. Your husband thinks you are a faithful wife and Craig thinks you are a single woman.

Do you think Craig would be so into you if you had told him from the start that you were married?

ok but it doesnt matter because i am that person. i am who i am, even if i'm lying they still love what they see of me. craig is so deeply in love with me and i know for a fact he would not have fallen for me if he knew i was married as he is faithful and that is what i cherish about him. i sometimes wish i'd never wake up. it's very difficult being in this situation. i love them both in different ways. if i told craig the truth about my husband i have no doubt he would be supportive but i just dont want to lose my lovely husband. he is my safety rope. i dont feel safe with craig. with craig im an independent woman but with ben (my husband- he doesnt know boards.ie so i'm safe here) i'm minded and cared for under his wing. dont get me wrong ben has his problems or else i would not have done what i did. he drinks far too much and never listens to me. i found myself in the same problems with him continuously and my family would not believe i am the way i am as they say us as a unit. i was head over heels in love with ben once upon a time. i guess people can fall out of love eh?!
only my bestest friend michaela knows all my secrets and she advises me to choose one r the other but its not that simple

marieellen

true or false i want to thank you ever so much for your advice. i like that you tried to understand me from my shoes. it was nice of you and i appreciate that.
i know there is something very wrong in my head now and its driving me crazy.
i look at old photos of me and ben and i'm upset that im not that happy with him no longer. i used to be the nicest young woman and i'm growing into a monster. if i was 50 i'd say i was going threw a mid life crisis but what is happening to me?
god guide me please... you have to understand that ben is my best friend. i've been so close to him for the past 14 years. we've shared everything along the way but something changed and i cant fix it. it tears me up inside. i hate who i am. i can't choose. i love them both. i can't hurt ben. the only thing to do is finish the love with craig but i cant stop my heart feeling what it feels. i tried so hard but it wont happen. im in love for sure. what urged me to write this post is craigs suggestion that we live in cork together (where he wants to work) and bens wish to move to america for a year. oH LORD KILL ME NOW

fungun

i know for a fact he would not have fallen for me if he knew i was married as he is faithful and that is what i cherish about him

your posts are all contradictory. You talk about sharing everything with both of them and do not seem to see the bits like the above and the bolded statement earlier. You seem to think the bits you are leaving out from telling them are not important and that they both know you, but in fact you are hiding one of the most important things about you....but yet you try to brush over this. You sound like you are trying to convince yourself of something that deep down you should know is not true. I know you didnt plan this but being a great wife is seeing through the down times and working your relationship back to where it should be - so dont kid yourself that you have been a good wife, you have been a faithless wife. Your grasp on these harsh realities is not great, I think you need to self analyse a little more realistically


Anyway, first things first. You are currently married. Decide whether you want to be with your husband faithfully or not. Do this independent of craig. You say you dont want to lose him (and his support) but you need to decide to either work on getting the spark back or let him go. If you really like him so much you should know he deserves that much.

coolcat63

marieellen wrote: »

i am 100% myself with craig and when i'm with him i forget i even have a husband so yes they do in fact know me inside out. the only thing they do not know is that there is someone else. i confided all my thoughts and emotions everything in both of them. im basically detached from my husband and only doing the bear minimum with him.

Well 99% perhaps given that you haven't confided in him the minor fact that you're married.

I think your marriage is well and truly dead - perhaps your husband feels the same given that there seems to be no physical unity anymore. It IS possible to accept, with maturity and no blame, that it is over without having to lose that person from your life forever.

You seem to be infatuated with Craig (apart from the fact that you are lying to him about the most basic facts) but will you feel the same when you are single.

My advice? Step away from the Mills and Boon, be honest (as you claim to be) with both men and if, as is possible, you end up on your own then take a good look at yourself before getting into another relationship.

marieellen

fungun wrote: »

your posts are all contradictory. You talk about sharing everything with both of them and do not seem to see the bits like the above and the bolded statement earlier. You seem to think the bits you are leaving out from telling them are not important and that they both know you, but in fact you are hiding one of the most important things about you....but yet you try to brush over this. You sound like you are trying to convince yourself of something that deep down you should know is not true. I know you didnt plan this but being a great wife is seeing through the down times and working your relationship back to where it should be - so dont kid yourself that you have been a good wife, you have been a faithless wife. Your grasp on these harsh realities is not great, I think you need to self analyse a little more realistically


Anyway, first things first. You are currently married. Decide whether you want to be with your husband faithfully or not. Do this independent of craig. You say you dont want to lose him (and his support) but you need to decide to either work on getting the spark back or let him go. If you really like him so much you should know he deserves that much.

thank you fun gun.

you say i should work on getting the spark back. i need to explain our relationship history. i was madly in love with ben. he was the centre of my universe for many years. however this love pushed ben away. i suffocated him and he was constantly hurting me as a result (going away for weekends and not answering my calls just to get away from me etc)
i now dont bother him anymore and he is happier than ever. i dont know if i want to go back to being hurt again. we work so well as best friends but i know he would not be just my friend. if i tell him im with craig now and end the marriage, he will not be my friend. even if he doesnt hear of the affair, he wont want to be my friend and thats too much to swallow for me. i dont know which is harder.. losing my best friend and hurting him knowingly or turning my heart off and not feeling guilty anymore just hurting.

coolcat63

marieellen wrote: »

thank you fun gun.

you say i should work on getting the spark back. i need to explain our relationship history. i was madly in love with ben. he was the centre of my universe for many years. however this love pushed ben away. i suffocated him and he was constantly hurting me as a result (going away for weekends and not answering my calls just to get away from me etc)
i now dont bother him anymore and he is happier than ever. i dont know if i want to go back to being hurt again. we work so well as best friends but i know he would not be just my friend. if i tell him im with craig now and end the marriage, he will not be my friend. even if he doesnt hear of the affair, he wont want to be my friend and thats too much to swallow for me. i dont know which is harder.. losing my best friend and hurting him knowingly or turning my heart off and not feeling guilty anymore just hurting.

This post made me really cross. Is there anyone but you in your universe?! Perhaps you should start thinking about the consequences for both Ben and Craig in having a lying, unfaithful wife and a lying, unfaithful girlfriend rather than 'poor me, I can f*ck around but can't bear to lose my friend'. Grow up.

fungun

marieellen wrote: »

thank you fun gun.

you say i should work on getting the spark back. i need to explain our relationship history. i was madly in love with ben. he was the centre of my universe for many years. however this love pushed ben away. i suffocated him and he was constantly hurting me as a result (going away for weekends and not answering my calls just to get away from me etc)
i now dont bother him anymore and he is happier than ever. i dont know if i want to go back to being hurt again. we work so well as best friends but i know he would not be just my friend. if i tell him im with craig now and end the marriage, he will not be my friend. even if he doesnt hear of the affair, he wont want to be my friend and thats too much to swallow for me. i dont know which is harder.. losing my best friend and hurting him knowingly or turning my heart off and not feeling guilty anymore just hurting.

So if you want to save your marriage you have to see a counsellor and go through all that stuff. Why he pushed you away, why you reacted. Why you didnt manage to communicate to each other at these times. You need to tell him that you gave up then. And after that it doesnt sound like a marriage, its a friendship.

To be honest I think you will find one or both of the men suspects. It is difficult to pretend to be there 100% of the time to 2 people. I know my wife wouldnt have time to have a proper reln with someone else.

My opinion? If you feel your marriage has any chance, stop seeing Craig. Go to a counsellor. Go through your past, see where you went wrong, see can it be re-kindled. If it can, great...if not, then at least you walk away with no regrets.

marieellen

coolcat63 wrote: »

This post made me really cross. Is there anyone but you in your universe?! Perhaps you should start thinking about the consequences for both Ben and Craig in having a lying, unfaithful wife and a lying, unfaithful girlfriend rather than 'poor me, I can f*ck around but can't bear to lose my friend'. Grow up.

coolcat??? more like hot cat!
jeez did i touch a nerve? have you been cheated on or something? relax woman!
i'm the one with the problems. i did not f$ck around... maybe some day you'll get confused in YOUR life and see how i feel. until then, don't judge me.

life is not plain sailing for everyone. what am i supposed to do? i fell in love with another man. i did not go out and have sex with another man. i got to know him as a pal and we got close. i did not tell either about the other as i knew if i told craig about my husband, he would be afraid to be my friend and i needed him in my life. maybe god sent him to me. and i did not have to tell my husband about craig. i should be allowed to have male friends. i did not plan to fall in love, ,it happened

Distorted

marieellen wrote: »

i dont know which is harder.. losing my best friend and hurting him knowingly or turning my heart off and not feeling guilty anymore just hurting.

I thought Micheala was your "bestest" friend?

You sound very young for 32 and quite hard work ie someone who needs a lot of attention. I suspect that putting some work into becoming more mature and getting out of the habit of lying and justifying it as being acceptable might provide you with the answers you are looking for.

LegacyUser

marieellen wrote: »

coolcat??? more like hot cat!
jeez did i touch a nerve? have you been cheated on or something? relax woman!
i'm the one with the problems. i did not f$ck around... maybe some day you'll get confused in YOUR life and see how i feel. until then, don't judge me.

life is not plain sailing for everyone. what am i supposed to do? i fell in love with another man. i did not go out and have sex with another man. i got to know him as a pal and we got close. i did not tell either about the other as i knew if i told craig about my husband, he would be afraid to be my friend and i needed him in my life. maybe god sent him to me. and i did not have to tell my husband about craig. i should be allowed to have male friends. i did not plan to fall in love, ,it happened

so you're not sleeping with craig?

if that's the case then you really need to follow your friend's advice and pick one or the other. this is obviously tearing you up.

i've been in that situation myself. long marriage, on the rocks more than half the time (we really weren't suited at all to begin with), i found a friend who made me realize what it felt like to be cared for, so i ended the sham of a marriage and am a single woman again now.

fungun

i knew if i told craig about my husband, he would be afraid to be my friend and i needed him in my life. maybe god sent him to me. and i did not have to tell my husband about craig. i should be allowed to have male friends.

This bit makes no sense. At all.

To be honest, this post has made me cross now and makes you sound much more devious and deceitful than "I just fell in love".....before anything happened and before you knew Craig you deliberately chose not to tell them about each other? Why would you do this...why would you hide a friend from your husband and hide your husband from a friend?????

So again, dont kid yourself about just falling in love, you thought something might happen and allowed the seed to germinate. Thats when you have to be a good wife and decide not to be this guys friend, because you sense there might be something more.

marieellen

Distorted wrote: »

I thought Micheala was your "bestest" friend?

You sound very young for 32 and quite hard work ie someone who needs a lot of attention. I suspect that putting some work into becoming more mature and getting out of the habit of lying and justifying it as being acceptable might provide you with the answers you are looking for.

what age do you think i sound and no "like a 2 year old" answers. genuinely if you hazard a guess what would you say is my emotional/mental age?

coolcat63

marieellen wrote: »

coolcat??? more like hot cat!
jeez did i touch a nerve? have you been cheated on or something? relax woman!
i'm the one with the problems. i did not f$ck around... maybe some day you'll get confused in YOUR life and see how i feel. until then, don't judge me.

life is not plain sailing for everyone. what am i supposed to do? i fell in love with another man. i did not go out and have sex with another man. i got to know him as a pal and we got close. i did not tell either about the other as i knew if i told craig about my husband, he would be afraid to be my friend and i needed him in my life. maybe god sent him to me. and i did not have to tell my husband about craig. i should be allowed to have male friends. i did not plan to fall in love, ,it happened

Nope - no nerve. I've always been honest and I dislike dishonesty in others. Is that a difficult concept for you?

So you are just pals with Craig and the relationship isn't sexual? So what's the problem in telling him you're married? And why not introduce your husband and your best pal? We can all love different people platonically.

marieellen

fungun wrote: »

This bit makes no sense. At all.

To be honest, this post has made me cross now and makes you sound much more devious and deceitful than "I just fell in love".....before anything happened and before you knew Craig you deliberately chose not to tell them about each other? Why would you do this...why would you hide a friend from your husband and hide your husband from a friend?????

So again, dont kid yourself about just falling in love, you thought something might happen and allowed the seed to germinate. Thats when you have to be a good wife and decide not to be this guys friend, because you sense there might be something more.

i never sensed there was anything there with craig other than a friendship but my husband is a veyr jealous creature who would not allow me talk to the opposite sex. that was his fault and the reason i kept our friendship private. we attended a masters course together and got to know each other. and he also knows michaela and a few of my friends as we all did the same course.
when the course ended we all went to a party and then i enjoyed his company too much.

Distorted

marieellen wrote: »

what age do you think i sound and no "like a 2 year old" answers. genuinely if you hazard a guess what would you say is my emotional/mental age?

15 -17. But does it really matter? Its just your terminology. I don't know any 32 year old married women who would talk about having "bestest" friends in all but the most joking fashion or having "boyfriends". Its embarrassing.

Its all about attention seeking, isn't it? Its not about Ben or Craig at all.

Do you have a career to divert your attention onto more productive things?

marieellen

coolcat63 wrote: »

Nope - no nerve. I've always been honest and I dislike dishonesty in others. Is that a difficult concept for you?

So you are just pals with Craig and the relationship isn't sexual? So what's the problem in telling him you're married? And why not introduce your husband and your best pal? We can all love different people platonically.

there is too much water under the bridge so to speak. dont get me wrong we have shared a few passionate kisses

Distorted

I'm hazarding a guess you might also be dyslexic, which might be affecting the way things come across when you write? Because theres no way other than being dsylexic you've done a Masters with your spelling and grammar being the way they are. No offence intended to any dyslexic people in the slightest!

marieellen

Distorted wrote: »

15 -17. But does it really matter? Its just your terminology. I don't know any 32 year old married women who would talk about having "bestest" friends in all but the most joking fashion or having "boyfriends". Its embarrassing.

Its all about attention seeking, isn't it? Its not about Ben or Craig at all.

Do you have a career to divert your attention onto more productive things?

yes i am a client services director in marketing . i work 5 days a week but my love and personal life is more important to me than my means of earning money.
what would you call craig then? he is my boyfriend, get as embarrassed as you like. despite not being married to the man, we are very much in love...

marieellen

Distorted wrote: »

I'm hazarding a guess you might also be dyslexic, which might be affecting the way things come across when you write? Because theres no way other than being dsylexic you've done a Masters with your spelling and grammar being the way they are. No offence intended to any dyslexic people in the slightest!

i am not dyslexic. kinda funny considering i made not a single spelling mistake..
show me ONE spelling mistake to back up your point???

marieellen

Distorted wrote: »

I'm hazarding a guess you might also be dyslexic, which might be affecting the way things come across when you write? Because theres no way other than being dsylexic you've done a Masters with your spelling and grammar being the way they are. No offence intended to any dyslexic people in the slightest!

i meant "bestest" in a cute fun sense you absolute nun

marieellen

Distorted wrote: »

I'm hazarding a guess you might also be dyslexic, which might be affecting the way things come across when you write? Because theres no way other than being dsylexic you've done a Masters with your spelling and grammar being the way they are. No offence intended to any dyslexic people in the slightest!

live your life a little... you only get one life. don't be so depressed

fungun

marieellen wrote: »

i never sensed there was anything there with craig other than a friendship but my husband is a veyr jealous creature who would not allow me talk to the opposite sex. that was his fault and the reason i kept our friendship private. we attended a masters course together and got to know each other. and he also knows michaela and a few of my friends as we all did the same course.
when the course ended we all went to a party and then i enjoyed his company too much.

but then why would you not have told craig you were married? if craig knew michaela and a few of your friends did it never come up in conversation you were married???

I dunno. Sounds like your marriage is over anyway actually. If you were a man id say to man up and end it. Not sure if that phrase works with a woman though. If I were you Id try to think a bit more about the effect of your actions on other people in future. Not sure I envy craig tbh.

Anyway, best of luck

Edit - tbf Im not sure where the dyslexic thing comes from, I found her posts reasonably easy to read!

LegacyUser

marieellen wrote: »

i am not dyslexic. kinda funny considering i made not a single spelling mistake..
show me ONE spelling mistake to back up your point???

Most of us use capitols at the beginning of a sentence and wherever else they are necessary so you can see why previous posters have picked up on your grammar... no offence meant I'm sure but this forum is full of people that come here for help and your situation probably grates on most because a lot of people are in your husbands shoes rather than yours.

Back to your original "problem" ... for your husbands sake I think you need to have a chat with him. You don't actually love him anymore, and thats fair enough, even though you think you do ... realistically you wouldn't be having this relationship with "Craig" if you actually loved "Ben" .... stuff happens but he shouldn't have to live a lie.

Do the right thing by your husband and tell him that you don't love him anymore and need to get out but I think that in the best interests of your husband you should not mention "Craig" ... he doesn't need to hear that you have been having an affair while his world falls apart ... seriously have that chat ...

C-J

marieellen wrote: »

live your life a little... you only get one life. don't be so depressed

So, your way of 'living your life' is by breaking two hearts in the process just to give yourself an ego boost? I know plenty of narcissists & you fit the bill to a tee. You're extremely childish for 32, also you belong to a growing culture of people on here who come onto boards, spill their guts looking for advice then completely disagree with every comment that's made. Grow up.

dellas1979

Look, it doesnt make it right or acceptable, but I can totally understand why you went and had an affair.

You have a husband who doesnt seem to give a rats about you, so you went else where to seek affection and love.

Happens up and down the country. Nothing big in that scenario there.

The only thing I would worry about is that, yes, you do come across as a little naive - perhaps this is from being in a relationship at 18 with the wrong man. You perception of this is all distorted. The bottom line is they dont know the real you, because as said before, you are hiding probably the most important parts of yourself.

Now, what happens if you get pregnant, or ben finds out, or craig finds out etc because there are consequences to your actions.

You need to decide first of all if you want to be with ben or craig and work your way from there. But digging you head in the sand like an ostrich, pretending everything is ok, is not conducive to sorting this out.

I am a friend

Were you wearing a wedding ring when you met Craig? Who does he think you live with? Does he not find it a bit weird he has never been to your home / stayed over in it? Or mayb e he has...

fatmammycat

I heard something a long time ago that made a lot of sense to me. Love is not a word, it's an action. If you love someone you actively love them, you don't lie or cheat or betray them, you don't 'fall in love' with someone else. If you put any value in love at all OP, be truthful to the people that matter, not to strangers online.

Wompa1

I think you are heading for a very depressing downward spiral OP. Craig is going to leave you and so is your husband. The poster who said they don't see the real you is correct, you say you are being yourself 100% with Craig but you're not because you are deceiving him, when he finds out he'll start to wonder what else you have kept from him, will draw the conclusion you aren't the person he thought you were and leave your ass high and dry.

Maybe a few years single would suit you though, it sounds like you need time to get your head together

LegacyUser

You dont love Craig. You purposely hid your marriage from him, there is no reason to do that if you just wanted to be friends. Its bull to say you didnt tell him because he wouldnt want to be friends if he knew. He wouldn't want a relationship with you if he knew and you know that so you didnt tell him. You went into it with the intention of having an affair. He is unaware his girlfriend is a married woman, you dont purposely decieve the person you love simply because its more convenient for you that way.

You dont love your husband, you say that yourself but your staying in an unfaithful relationship with him because you want to stay friends. Your decieving him out of convenience to youself aswell. Of course he wouldnt want to be friends with you after the break-up. Its next to impossible to go from a marriage break down to being chums. Your expecting the ridiculous if you think that could happen.

This will all blow up in your face if you dont leave one or both of these men. I would advise you to leave both. Tell them or not, its up to you. But if you want to have an honest and healthy relationship with either you need to tell them why your ending it.

desertcircus

OP: I'm going to try to strip out as much moral content from this as I can and simply discuss it dispassionately. I don't know you, and I'm not interested in the reasons behind what you did - they're your business. If you want to sort this out, though, you need to decide whether you want to try to save your marriage, and if you come to the conclusion that it's not salvageable, then you need to have two extremely serious discussions.

If you still love your husband and want to make it work, stop seeing the other man. Tell him you're attached to someone else, or that you've met someone else, but make it clear that there will be nothing between you from now on. Then talk to your husband about what's gone wrong between you and how you can fix it. It's up to you whether you mention the other man, but the biggest thing if you want to save the marriage is that you'll need to completely sever any links with the other man.

If you think the marriage is over, then you have to tell your husband you're leaving him. Then you have to sit down with the other man and explain that you have a husband - the level of detail you want to go into is your business, but if you want to build a life with this person you're not going to get away with hiding your past. Not least because if he ever proposes, you'll have to explain why you can't.

Either way, you're going to have to have two very painful conversations. The alternative - leaving things as they are - simply pushes those two awkward conversations into the future and increases the chances that you'll lose both men. It's not going to be pleasant, but good luck.

I am a friend

marieellen wrote: »

i meant "bestest" in a cute fun sense you absolute nun

Nothing wrong with acting like a nun is there? If you had done the same it would save to husbands broken heart.

Catari Jaguar

You don't love your husband because you've pushed him away, you're making sure that Craig fills all of your emotional and sexual needs, what is your husband supposed to do? He has no role anymore. Of course you're not jealous because you've let your bond break and probably just like two ships passing the the night now. But... Is he really happier than ever??

You ALWAYS have to make an effort in your relationship, to spend time together, to share feelings, to enjoy each other's company, to have fun, be affectionate, have sex etc. Love fades if left unattended.

Sounds like you took the easy way out, I understand, maybe you were always making the effort and he wasn't and when you met Craig you thought "fcuk it, this man appreciates me, pays attention to me and understands me." You should have communicated your feelings to your husband and worked out your problems.

Love, especially new love, IS a physical addiction (hormones etc). Infatuation is what you have with Craig. The more time you spend away from Craig can fade those feelings. But look, who's to say if you did settle down with Craig, that in 10 years time you wouldn't be seeking another affair? Grass is always greener...

The more time you spend with your husband can make those initial feelings of love and excitement come back. As for feeling no sexual attraction, the only way to get that is by having sex, the more sex you have the more you want. That's just science. Even a cuddle will release oxytocin and create a feeling of trust/ bonding.

Craig was your husband replacement patch, try to reverse it.

If that's what you want, that is....

booboo88

i know for a fact he would not have fallen for me if he knew i was married as he is faithful and that is what i cherish about him

shame he cant cherish the same about you:rolleyes:
this is an absolute farce, you need your husband in your life but dont want to be near him???

hatz7

Hi op,
Just my 2 cents here, you could leave your husband, gut feeling is telling me that he is cheating on you too, don't know why.

LegacyUser

A sad fact of the modern world is that more and more people are cheating on partners - I would say 40% of men have been knowingly cheated on. Needless to say, this is usually a terrible situation for a guy, and I think you are running the risk of losing your boyfriend if you come clean about being married, as it may stir up emotions in him of empathy with your husband - he may have been in a similar situation before.

Also, I find that jealous/controlling guys usually have a purpose to that control ie a monopoly on you sexually and emotionally. If your husband has not made an issue of your lack of physical contact etc with him, I think it is highly likely he is having an affair also.

Just my 2c.

carlybabe1

marieellen wrote: »

they do know who i am. i never intended for this to happen so keep your judgemental comments to yourself. i married my husband with the intention to stay with him till death do us part and i do have a conscience as it is tormenting me every second.
i am 100% myself with craig and when i'm with him i forget i even have a husband so yes they do in fact know me inside out. the only thing they do not know is that there is someone else. i confided all my thoughts and emotions everything in both of them. im basically detached from my husband and only doing the bear minimum with him.

deluded much??:rolleyes:
listen, a bit of cop on here, you say craig knows you, yet he's not even aware you have a husband???? where the f*ck do you say you're going when ye have to go back home to the poor bast8rd???, seriously??? or what about phonecalls and texts from him in front of your lover???

may I call shenanigans

trolllllllllll perhaps???

curlzy

Hey OP,

I agree with the posters that said you should finish with both men, neither of them deserve the treatment they're getting from you. Once you've finished it with both of them, I suggest you get into councelling to sort out the cheating, deceitful, delusional, cruel, immature and pathetically selfish personality traits that you seem so unaware of. Maybe if you work really really hard you can become someone that's worth being loved, because as it stands you don't deserve love at all.

Best of luck.

tinkerbell

In all my time of posting on boards I have never seen anyone come on here being this deluded. I honestly can't believe what I'm reading.

OP, what you are doing is rotten, disgusting behaviour. You are a liar and a cheat. Stop kidding yourself, your marriage is over. Your husband is not your best friend - generally a best friend is someone you can confide in and tell anything to and you trust them. You can't tell your husband about your affair and also he can't trust you!

Your husband deserves so much better than to be with someone like you. Regardless if you were too over-bearing at first, you can still give someone space and not be over-bearing if you just work on it. It doesn't give you free reign to go off and shag someone else. Even if you haven't slept with this Craig guy yet, you say you're in love with him - that is just as bad as sleeping with him. Not sure why you got on your high horse when someone said that you can just "Fk around" - eh that's what you're doing. Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical.

And you are not "the best wife" nor are you "the best girlfriend". You are lying to them both. How you think it is perfectly acceptable to lie to your husband and this Craig guy is beyond me.

So my advice to you is tell your husband what you've done so that he can dump you and find a woman who will treat him right. And then tell Craig so that he can dump you too since he values honesty so highly. And then when you're all alone you'll be able to sort your head out coz you ain't ready to be in a relationship at all right now.

booboo88

marieellen wrote: »

coolcat??? more like hot cat!
jeez did i touch a nerve? have you been cheated on or something? relax woman!
i'm the one with the problems. i did not f$ck around... maybe some day you'll get confused in YOUR life and see how i feel. until then, don't judge me.

life is not plain sailing for everyone. what am i supposed to do? i fell in love with another man. i did not go out and have sex with another man. i got to know him as a pal and we got close. i did not tell either about the other as i knew if i told craig about my husband, he would be afraid to be my friend and i needed him in my life. maybe god sent him to me. and i did not have to tell my husband about craig. i should be allowed to have male friends. i did not plan to fall in love, ,it happened

as you can see i've highlighted in bold, words used by you, im not sure about anyone but I dont passionately kiss my friends while married or in a relationship:rolleyes:

marieellen wrote: »

what age do you think i sound and no "like a 2 year old" answers. genuinely if you hazard a guess what would you say is my emotional/mental age?

I genuinely think you sound like your 13 yrs of age.

marieellen wrote: »

live your life a little... you only get one life. don't be so depressed

you mean cheat on your husband, and go to a message board for sympathy...is that what you call living?

marieellen

update: i did not tell my husband but i told craig that i'm married but that i do not love my husband anymore. he took it badly- punched the wall.
he told me he needs time but that he will always love me.
i then called over to his house 2 days later and there was a girl who he said he didnt know who she was but his friend said she was a prostitute and that they took turns...

his mate was in the bungalw at the time and i cried and cried and he sat me down and told me if it doesnt work out with craig he'd be there for me. he said im a beautiful woman and i'm just very confused and god help me.

he always said to me how he could have sex with any woman for pleasure but that he would only kiss a woman loves. i cannot bear the thought of him kissing another woman. im hurting so painfully and can't bear it. i'm in hell on earth. do prostitutes kiss their clients?

how do i show craig i love him? i realise now he's the one i want. i'm 100% sure. the thought of him with another woman kills me.
what will i make him? what will i buy him?