Is this reasonable to expect from a chief bridesmaid?

Bride2012

My best friend is getting married in October and I am due to be her chief bridesmaid but to be honest I am dreading it.

As chief bridesmaid I 'have to' go on;
2 dress shopping trips to London
1 hen party in Tenerife for a week
1 hen party to Carlow for a weekend for those who could not attend the Tenerife one
1 hen party in Cork for relatives
1 spa weekend, week before wedding
6/7 meals out to discuss wedding plans
room on 2 nights for wedding in a ridiculously overpriced hotel

All of the above either have been or will be paid for by me as I have not been told otherwise. As my name suggests I am saving for my own wedding next year and this is bleeding me dry (my fiance is seriously unimpressed too).

I have tried to explain this and ask if I could maybe not attend everything but all I get back is 'my chief bridesmaid has to be there. I don't know what to do as pulling out now would have me painted as the bad guy and I don't want our friendship to be ruined.

Any suggestions or experience with this?

byhookorbycrook

I'd tell her to shove it tbh.

looksee

Calmly and firmly put your foot down. This is totally over the top nonsense by someone who thinks marriage is about a wedding day. You don't have to say that though, tell her that you are so daunted by the wonder and splendour of her wedding that it is making you upset about your own wedding day and you really can't cope. If she can be a prima donna, so can you.

Tell her to find a new bridesmaid.

That's ridiculous tbh.

ElleEm

That is so ridiculous that she expects all that fuss in preparation for her wedding.
Not only is it going to cost you a fortune, but it is also a lot of time too.

I'd be telling her that you will agree to X amount (what you feel comfortable with) of the things she has planned but only if she pays for them. If she wants you there that much, she can fork out.

Feck the dinners and shopping trips to London though. Ridiculous!

Failing that, just become a "regular" bridesmaid.

Toots

That's insane! She sounds like a totally deluded bridezilla. I'd be honest and tell her that you simply can't afford to do all these things. Is it this October or next October that the wedding is. Personally I can't stand people who just expect that kind of commitment from their bridesmaids, some brides seem to think that bridesmaids are their personal slaves in the run up to their wedding. I'd be pulling out if it were me, but I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to, especially if the wedding is this October.

Maybe as a compromise you could go on one of the hens, maybe one trip to London, attend the spa weekend but only for say the Saturday, instead of 6/7 nights out to discuss plans (WTF?????) you and the other bridesmaids could take it in turns to go to each other's houses and have a takeaway and a few bottles of wine, also check out if there's a cheaper hotel near where the wedding is being held and stay there one of the nights.

When you've worked out what you can afford to do without putting yourself under pressure, TELL her, don't ask her, what you'll be attending. Tell her that this is absolutely all you can afford and even at that it'll be tight. The ball is then in her court, she might decide that she wants some other poor person to be her chief BM, but at least it'll be her that's decided that, not you that's pulled out.

Bride2012

Thanks for all the replies. I think that I just need to be firmer.

The wedding is this October so pulling out is a last resort for me.

I've already been to the 6/7 meals and 2 dress shopping trips to London but the rest is between now and mid October.

silly

Thats crazy!
She's crazy!
Hello like, where does she think you are going to get the money for all that?

You should just say to her, look, i cant afford all these hen parties...i'm broke and trying to save for my own wedding

When she suggests dinner out to talk about weddings, then you suggest jsut have a glass of wine at home....

I dunno, i've never come across anyone like her before..

Redonblonde

Do as in Mean Girls...feed her those protein bars which make you gain weight.

No, in all seriousness, I think what you've done so far is saint-worthy.

Tell her no.

Lippy C

Complete madness I would tell her no way unless she will pay for it all

jam_mac_jam

That is crazy, is she very rich herself. A week for the hen, you need to put your foot down all that would add up to thousands.

winterlight

OP, tbh the bride sounds like a very greedy girl. Did she not get enough attention growing up or something?

Everyone deserves their 'Special Day'...I just can't find it in my heart to be happy for people who want 'Special 'DAYS'' at everyone else's expense ...

I was nearly reaching for the gin by the time i got to the end of the list of the things you had to do - is she somebody famous? cos that would explain the VIP status she has given herself with all these hens / meals / shopping trips.

I think most people would agree that these expectations are waaaaayyy above and beyond the duties of chief bridesmaid. You really do have to explain to her that you have your own financial obligations too, she sounds like a right spoiled madam.

tinkerbell

OMG OP, that is INSANE. A week to Tenerife? WTF does she think she is? I'd pick one out of the four to go on (Tenerife I'd say definitely NOT, Carlow, Cork, Spa Weekend) and as for all the dinners - tell her you won't be going on those either.

Regarding 2 nights at the hotel, tell her you can't afford it and will only be staying one night. Let her pay for it, stupid bridezilla - I can't believe that people like this actually exist.

goat2

Bride2012 wrote: »

My best friend is getting married in October and I am due to be her chief bridesmaid but to be honest I am dreading it.

As chief bridesmaid I 'have to' go on;
2 dress shopping trips to London
1 hen party in Tenerife for a week
1 hen party to Carlow for a weekend for those who could not attend the Tenerife one
1 hen party in Cork for relatives
1 spa weekend, week before wedding
6/7 meals out to discuss wedding plans
room on 2 nights for wedding in a ridiculously overpriced hotel

All of the above either have been or will be paid for by me as I have not been told otherwise. As my name suggests I am saving for my own wedding next year and this is bleeding me dry (my fiance is seriously unimpressed too).

I have tried to explain this and ask if I could maybe not attend everything but all I get back is 'my chief bridesmaid has to be there. I don't know what to do as pulling out now would have me painted as the bad guy and I don't want our friendship to be ruined.

Any suggestions or experience with this?

she cannot expect that of you, i would sit down with her, tell her you cannot afford this, be honest, does she not know the mess this country is in, with not a chance of earning extra to cover these unnecessary trips,
turn down the job of chief bridesmaid, think of all you could buy for your own house with the kind of money she expect you to put up

cocokay

i take it shes loaded! who has money for THREE hen parties in this day and age? and 7 meals out to "discuss" the wedding, has she never heard of sending an email or putting things on a list & just ticking them off when done! madness. i feel sorry for u but at least you can use needing to save for your own big day as an excuse to get out of some of this ridiculous greediness. good luck!

freckles1234

Tell not to get married. Chances are she will be devorced in three years. It save everybody a lot of money including you

amdublin

Bloody ridiculous. She needs to cop on.

She sounds like a spoiled idiot of a woman.

PostHack

Does she think she is a princess or something?? Honestly, I think the royal wedding recently does have a lot of brides re-thinking their weddings and trying to pay homage to it or recreate it in some way That's what I've noticed anyway....

There is a lot of specifics in the OP so hopefully no one who knows her is on boards....:eek:

amdublin

PostHack wrote: »

There is a lot of specifics in the OP so hopefully no one who knows her is on boards....:eek:

Wouldn't worry about this. Seems like a lot of brides are expecting this type of sh1te these days.

My friend is bm and there have been meals out for everything: princess wanted the 3 bm's to bring all their mothers out for a meal to meet

whatdoicare

Holy cow that is alot to expect!

As a past bride myself, I remember trying my very best to not cost anyone any money whatsoever! In my eyes it was my day - so it should cost me, not anyone else!:eek: When my bridesmaids decided they wanted to do my hen, the only demand I put on them was do as they wished as long as nothing was too expensive! They did a great job with little money and a good time was had by all!
As a past bridesmaid - I was given same instructions and was not put into expense myself, bar what I wished to spend myself on extras not asked of me (hen night funny stuff )
Also, was recently invited to a hen that was asking crazy money for some weekend thing - I was honest to the bride and said I couldn't afford it and I'd meet her some night at a club. I stuck to my guns and I'm damn glad I did so.

This girls demands are beyond crazy! Tell her cop on - if she wants u for all that stuff, she can pay it herself!

joan mack

Pretend you are not to well, Tell her you think you have something not to serious but something that demands you take things easy for a while. Say you'll help her all you can but that some stuff would be to much for you at the moment,

If she was a true friend she would never have expected all that input, Real friends always understand each others financial situation and never expect that sort of input.

If she asks you to be Godmother to her First Born,, Run for your life

kandr10

That's kinda mental really!
I know everyone has different experiences but my sisters were bms for me and they really weren't that involved in wedding planning. There's nothing that involved that would take 6/7 meals out!

I guess to be diplomatic, if you didn't want to step down as cbm, you could just choose a hen party to go to and tell her you can't afford the others. 3 hen parties is a bit much, especially when they're all in different places like that.
If you wanted to meet and discuss wedding plans with her, suggest goin to her place or something rather than the meals.
Go wedding dress shopping at home before going to London. Bit unreasonable to expect you to go over just for that.
As for the spa weekend - tell her where to shove it.

Heineken Helen

This is just ridiculous :eek: what planet is she living on? She's being completely unfair. OP please be firm and honest with her and let us know how it goes

AoifeCork

Is she your bridesmaid? If so, have you asked her to do any of this crap? Is she living in a dreamworld? Team up with the other bridesmaid-BRIDEZILLA INTERVENTION ASAP!

amdublin

AoifeCork wrote: »

Is she your bridesmaid? If so, have you asked her to do any of this crap? Is she living in a dreamworld? Team up with the other bridesmaid-BRIDEZILLA INTERVENTION ASAP!

Good idea. It is needed.

prettygurrly

I just find it so surprising that the chief BM didn't make the decisions on the hen etc. I thought that was their job and the bride just enjoyed being surprised and having the craic. I've just been made a BM, fairly sure I'm a chief but the wedding isn't for ages yet so I'm happy to wait to be told! Thankfully my bride is my best friend and I know we're on the same wavelength. Your bride seems to be completely off the rails...it might be a bit late in the day to reign her in.
Second thing I would say is that I wouldn't expect my BM to stay in the same hotel as me if I was getting married...a bit much!

rainshowers82

WOW !!!! That is alot to expect !! I am having no say in my hen ( i prefer it that way ) I am also doing my best to ensure that none of my bridesmaids ( Chief included ) have to get into debt to attend my wedding !!

Stand Firm and tell her outright that you can not do all 3 hen nights / weeks !! Don't make any excuses just be straight with her !! Remember your the sane one

LittleMissBox

That is just plain insane! I am going to be chief brides maid for my sister next april. I have just finished college and she knows that my money is a bit tight and has suggested that my 21st present could be my two nights stay in the hotel (my 21st is in the march!). She is very much involved in planning her hens do (but she is a control freak to the max) but is ensuring that it will be as cheap but classy and memorable as possible! In fact due to the finance issues so many people have at the moment my sister and her fiance said from the day they got engaged that the hens and stag do were not to be over seas.

If i were in your position i would simply tell bridezilla that you don't have the money, you have your own wedding to plan and if she wants you to attend everything that she can pay as she clearly doesnt have money issues!then relax and forget about it. If worst comes to worst say no to cbm and then sit back and enjoy planning your own wedding!

POKERKING

i think that list might be exaggerated, no one would expect anyone to do that, i just dont believe it.

Im getting married in 8 weeks and all the bridemaid had to do was organise hen and show up for dress fitting simple really....

tinkerbell

POKERKING wrote: »

i think that list might be exaggerated, no one would expect anyone to do that, i just dont believe it.

Im getting married in 8 weeks and all the bridemaid had to do was organise hen and show up for dress fitting simple really....

People like this actually do exist, contrary to whether you believe it or not. Perhaps you've just been fortunate that nobody you know is a self-centered princess.

ICANN

To carry out all your 'duties' you'd have to use up all of your annual leave. Stuff that!

Monife

That is absolutely crazy tbh. If she really is your best friend, you should be able to be frank with her and let her know that you simply cannot afford most of what she expects but that you will help her with plans and that. If she is not happy about that, she is not worth your friendship.

I just had my Hens (friday last ), and while my bridesmaid/maid of honour (only having one) told me to stay out and she wanted to organise everything, I told her that is fine but as long as to not make it expensive as a lot of my friends do not have a lot of money. In the end she organised a brilliant night. Cava (cheap champagne) in Stephens Green, onto a restaurant for an early bird (€18) and then she rented an apartment (€150 for 2 bedroom 2 bathroom) for the fun and games (and a stripper €150 ). She got €20 off each person that came to the Hens towards the cost (Had about 12 people to the Hens) and then covered the rest herself which was way too generous, but she wouldn't accept any money from me.

It was an absolutely brilliant, memorable night and what I think is what the essence of Hen Parties should be. Not these extravagant trips abroad or down the country for 2 night spa breaks etc.

Clare Bear

My God that's crazy!!

I'm going to make sure my bridesmaids don't spend a cent for my wedding! She needs to get a grip, the Bridezilla disease strikes again!

Grapefruit Moon

Have to agree, that is just totally OTT and so selfish. Maybe she has just gotten really carried away and lost all sense of perspective so maybe a totally honest chat is what is needed, she's your best friend so you 2 must be able to sit down and talk openly and honestly with each other. My bridesmaids are organising my hen for next month, I'm really mindful of my friend;'s finances and so the only thing I asked is that we have a sleepover party in my mum's house for the hen. My bridesmaids have offered to organise games and all that kind of stuff, so it should cost v little for people to go to. And although it's not fancy or exotic I;m really looking forward to it because all my friends can go and it'll be great fun. The whole point of a hen party is to spend time with your friends and have the craic, you don't need to go to Tenerife for a week for that!

Toots

Just out of interest OP, are you the only bridesmaid or are there others? What do they think of this?

irish_eyes

no

wayfarers

Irish brides are so fcuking self indulgent and grooms for that matter. I've been to weddings in a pile of countries and I can safely say that the most demanding weddings are those involving Irish grooms and brides. Three day wedding festivities that you wouldn't expect the Sultan of Brunei to pull. Stag parties in NYC. Wedding lists at Brown Thomas. A wedding in Vegas and God help you if you can't take a week off work to go out to the States and participate in it. All from Irish grooms and brides. For better or for worse usually only applies to guests now.

wayfarers

amdublin wrote: »

Wouldn't worry about this. Seems like a lot of brides are expecting this type of sh1te these days.

My friend is bm and there have been meals out for everything: princess wanted the 3 bm's to bring all their mothers out for a meal to meet

Vomit inducing. Has the potential bride being watching 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' or something? Meeting the mothers of the bridesmaids? WTF. Its like an audience with Paris Hilton or something.

loconnor1001

what happened to bachelor and bachelorette parties being a night out?? Why does everybody feel the need to make it an entire flippin weekend?? As for a week in tenerife? INSANITY!

amdublin

wayfarers wrote: »

Vomit inducing. Has the potential bride being watching 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' or something? Meeting the mothers of the bridesmaids? WTF. Its like an audience with Paris Hilton or something.

Tell me about it!

LittleMissBox wrote: »

In fact due to the finance issues so many people have at the moment my sister and her fiance said from the day they got engaged that the hens and stag do were not to be over seas.

Yeah this should be just standard

You make it sound like your sister deserves a medal for it.

scotty_irish

what about the poor husband? the man should run!

Bride2012

Thank you so much for all the replies.

To answer a few questions;

Her two other bridesmaids are her younger sisters who are still in college and her parents are paying for their involvement.

She is a bridesmaid in my upcoming wedding but it's a totally different affair, one night out for the hen.

She decided herself that she wants to plan out her own hen parties, she's very slow to hand over the planning to others.

baldbear

Tell her you can't go to Tenerife because you need to save for you're own wedding. I thought the bride would be paying for you're hotel room??

She sounds very selfish.

Toto Wolfcastle

So since the consensus here is that she is a selfish bridezilla, are you going to talk to her about it?

aisog

Not reasonable at all! Just sit her down, snap her back into reality and say you simply cant afford all the maddness. You have your own wedding and you cant and wont do it. If she really wants you there she can pay for it and even at that I wouldnt let her cos I get the feeling she might lord it over you!

Bride2012

Yes, I will be talking to her about it this weekend.

Malari

Bride2012 wrote: »

Thank you so much for all the replies.

To answer a few questions;

Her two other bridesmaids are her younger sisters who are still in college and her parents are paying for their involvement.

She is a bridesmaid in my upcoming wedding but it's a totally different affair, one night out for the hen.

She decided herself that she wants to plan out her own hen parties, she's very slow to hand over the planning to others.

If the parents are paying for the two sisters, they may also be contributing a fair chunk to her expenses too. If she hasn't had had to pay for everything herself it's a lot easier to plan expensive parties :rolleyes:

I'd just keep it simple when talking to her. Say what she has planned is beyond your budget - sorry, you can't make it to X, Y, Z on her list.

LadyTBolt

OP you have already done the dinners and the 2 trips to London, the wedding is only 2 months away and you are only now wondering if she is being unreasonable with her plans.

I feel her plans are completely and utterly unreasonable and hilariously mad.

But I must say, leaving it 2 months before her wedding for her chief bridesmaid to put her hand up and say she has a problem will upset her.

Out of everything on the list all that is left is the hen parties and I'm sure she has probably organised those and the people going also.
I also think if she has a week in tenerife planned that's probably all paid for now anyway and you can hardly back out now without losing your money.

You should have tried harder and been more firmer at the start.
This will be a tough one to get out of.
At this stage I reckon it'll only be the spa weekend you can get out of.

She was very unreasonable in her plans and very selfish also.
Selfish people cannot see beyond themselves.
I wish you luck in your chat to her at the weekend.
I can't imagine she will be too pleased.

Moonbeam

How did the chat go?

It all sounds crazy to me,I am trying to keep costs down as much as possible for our guests and will pay for hotel and dress for my bridesmaid.

rainshowers82

baldbear wrote: »

Tell her you can't go to Tenerife because you need to save for you're own wedding. I thought the bride would be paying for you're hotel room??

She sounds very selfish.

Hotel room ? For the wedding day ?? I will not be paying for Hotel rooms for my 3 bridesmaids on my wedding -- on a budget and all .. they dont expect that.......