The big questions in relationships

dearg lady

I know for most of us, there's a few things that come up early in a relationship, discussions couples have, eg are children on the cards, marriage, long term goals, plans etc. But something came up in a thread in relationship issues which I found interesting. sorry I don't know how to actually quote from one thread to another!

'Usually there's a chat early on in the relationship where it would be decided that if an unplanned pregnancy occurred what further action would be taken. Like would they have the baby or would they have an abortion etc'

Now this is something I have never discussed with a new partner, I think it came up once after I'd been with a guy nearly 2 years, but in general, no. But I really can see the sense in it. Just wondering if anyone else would discuss this, am I the odd one out here, big time? I think it would be something I'd do in future...now how to bring it up!

Morag

Mention that you have heard of someone who's only in a relationship a few months and is facing a crises pregnancy and draw the topic out that way.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

At the start of a relationship I've never talked about what would happen if a girlfriend became pregnant and it was unplanned.
In my last 2 relationships, a good while into them, I have told my girlfriends that in my first long term relationship that my girlfriend had a miscarraige. We were both very young at the time, 19 or 20. At the time, I 100% wanted to keep it. And if it happened now, I would feel the same.

Contessa Raven

My partner and I had that discussion within the first year or so I think. Personally, it's a conversation that I would have whenever I started to sleep with the person.

I never really thought about if other people had this conversation, it just happened. If you want a way to bring it up then I'd agree with Sharrow's suggestion. It provides an opportunity to ask what he thinks and what he'd do in that situation.

Morgase

I'm fairly sure that I'd talked about all of those important things including what we would do if contraception failed very early on, even before we'd had sex.

I felt it was important to sound out how both of us felt about that before anything happened, and it's a lot easier to have that talk when it's only an "if, but and maybe" rather than when it is cold, hard reality.

It wasn't too difficult to have the talk either, it just sort of cropped up in conversation when I was talking about Ireland and its attitude towards women's reproductive health (yes, yes, my poor boyfriend having to listen to that!).

theg81der

Yea I did but only because I wouldn`t date anyone pro-abortion and I absolutely don`t believe in "accidents", I believe pregnancy is the most important decision anyone will ever make and it should be given the respect that it deserves.

Its something I bring up with everyone pretty early on because it very important to me - like I don`t have any friends either that are pro-abortion, I don`t tend to have anything in common with people who are.

curlzy

I think in some ways it can be quite a dangerous conversation. I've had hypothetical conversations as in "I think I would probably want this" but I would never say "I would do a, b or c" because what if you change your mind? You could end up in a situation where you have to say "I know I said I would have an abortion but I've realised I don't want one now", leaving the guy to go "WTF, we had agreed a plan of action and now your making a decision that has implications for the rest of my life!". So yeah I would be very hesitant in agreeing a course on action on something that could be totally different in reality than you thought it would be.

curlzy

curlzy wrote: »

I think in some ways it can be quite a dangerous conversation. I've had hypothetical conversations as in "I think I would probably want this" but I would never say "I would do a, b or c" because what if you change your mind? You could end up in a situation where you have to say "I know I said I would have an abortion but I've realised I don't want one now", leaving the guy to go "WTF, we had agreed a plan of action and now your making a decision that has implications for the rest of my life!". So yeah I would be very hesitant in agreeing a course on action on something that could be totally different in reality than you thought it would be.

I suppose it would be more a case of establishing any viewpoints to either extreme like "I could never have an abortion" or "I could never have a child", so that you both know where you stand. Rather than agreeing a course of action, because that could easily fall to pieces in practice as you say.

Wibbs

I've had the conversation early on in relationships. Not a serious "lets sit down and discuss A B C" type, but just to get a feel for the other persons general attitudes. But Curlzy raises a very good point

curlzy wrote: »

So yeah I would be very hesitant in agreeing a course on action on something that could be totally different in reality than you thought it would be.

Bingo. In my experience the reality can be very different to the concept. I've known couples who were very pro choice/termination who when faced with a pregnancy went through with it. And I've known one couple the polar opposite who when the reality hit decided to go for a termination. The latter couple really surprised me. As a general once said "No plan survives the first engagement with the enemy".

theg81der wrote: »

I absolutely don`t believe in "accidents",

Whatever about your own moral compass and wishing to be with someone with a similar one(which I'd agree with you there), accidents DO happen T.

Are they as common as some seem to believe? IMHO no. A fair whack of so called accidents are down to not being careful, forgetting to take the pill(the convincing themselves after the fact they did and it failed)* and not knowing how certain conditions and medications can affect hormonal contraceptive. Hell one of my exes was on the pill and her doctor put her on a course of antibiotics for an infection and never even asked her what her contraceptive status was. Dumb. In fact she herself didn't know they could affect the pill and didn't believe me initially and she was no dope. If I hadn't heard of the link I could be a daddy now and neither of us wanted kids(years later we're still both childless). That would have been an accidental pregnancy.

Are accidents as rare as some seem to believe? No. I do know women who've "trapped" men. They've admitted it to me. In most cases they were (stupidly) trying to move the relationship forward into a more permanent phase. In one case she just wanted a child and her next boyfriend of more than a few months was to be the donor. I suspect a couple of other cases, all but one in marriage, where the women suddenly and suspiciously fell pregnant. It happens but not nearly so much as some paranoid men might believe.

In short true accidents happen everyday. No contraceptive is 100%. You can reduce the risk of pregnancy to the point where it's incredibly unlikely, but even couples who've both had the snip have ended up pregnant. Incredibly rare, but it does happen. Another personal example. I knew a couple who wanted kids and they couldn't have them naturally. When tested, he had so few sperm he could have given them names and she had all sorts of problems herself. They, well she, went through some long winded, expensive and oft painful treatment in an effort to have a child. No joy. In the end it was one of the things that split them up. Fastforward 10 years. Both have kids the natural way with other people.








*implants have a significantly lower accident rate for a couple of reasons, but the main one being it's not relying on the person remembering to take a daily medication.

theg81der

Wibbs wrote: »

Whatever about your own moral compass and wishing to be with someone with a similar one(which I'd agree with you there), accidents DO happen T.

Are they as common as some seem to believe? IMHO no. A fair whack of so called accidents are down to not being careful, forgetting to take the pill(the convincing themselves after the fact they did and it failed)* and not knowing how certain conditions and medications can affect hormonal contraceptive. Hell one of my exes was on the pill and her doctor put her on a course of antibiotics for an infection and never even asked her what her contraceptive status was. Dumb. In fact she herself didn't know they could affect the pill and didn't believe me initially and she was no dope. If I hadn't heard of the link I could be a daddy now and neither of us wanted kids(years later we're still both childless). That would have been an accidental pregnancy.

Are accidents as rare as some seem to believe? No. I do know women who've "trapped" men. They've admitted it to me. In most cases they were (stupidly) trying to move the relationship forward into a more permanent phase. In one case she just wanted a child and her next boyfriend of more than a few months was to be the donor. I suspect a couple of other cases, all but one in marriage, where the women suddenly and suspiciously fell pregnant. It happens but not nearly so much as some paranoid men might believe.

In short true accidents happen everyday. No contraceptive is 100%. You can reduce the risk of pregnancy to the point where it's incredibly unlikely, but even couples who've both had the snip have ended up pregnant. Incredibly rare, but it does happen. Another personal example. I knew a couple who wanted kids and they couldn't have them naturally. When tested, he had so few sperm he could have given them names and she had all sorts of problems herself. They, well she, went through some long winded, expensive and oft painful treatment in an effort to have a child. No joy. In the end it was one of the things that split them up. Fastforward 10 years. Both have kids the natural way with other people.








*implants have a significantly lower accident rate for a couple of reasons, but the main one being it's not relying on the person remembering to take a daily medication.

Other than the extremely rare ie not worth factoriing in because its is miles outside of the standard - accidents don`t happen and no one will convince me after the amount of absolute crap I`ve hear of people that I just know isn`t true.

The only time implants failed was doctor error -they didn`t know how to put them in properly nothing to do with the device itself. I suppose to the people who though they were protected thats an accident but even that was extremely rare there was only a couple of cases and its hardly an accident if someone ie the doc is at fault.

And as a woman I know the days that I`m ovulating - there are clear signs so other than I go out get plastered -raise my testosterone level thus making me more horny and throwing my legs up in wild abandon I`m not going to get pregnant but obviously thats not an accident - thats a decision I made.

I`m a big believer in the unconscious mind ruling, I think our animal brain is still pretty obvious and behaviour not words are the best source of truth and are clearly dictating peoples lifes.

I suppose I`m not saying they set out to get pregnant, because clearly the level of abortion says they don`t want the resulting pregnancies, I`m saying they are educated and aware enough that they have no excuse for not understanding there nature and taking control of their actions ie over riding their unconscious mind which clearly has a drive to procreate.

theg81der

theg81der wrote: »

Other than the extremely rare ie not worth factoriing in because its is miles outside of the standard - accidents don`t happen and no one will convince me after the amount of absolute crap I`ve hear of people that I just know isn`t true.

The only time implants failed was doctor error -they didn`t know how to put them in properly nothing to do with the device itself. I suppose to the people who though they were protected thats an accident but even that was extremely rare there was only a couple of cases and its hardly an accident if someone ie the doc is at fault.

And as a woman I know the days that I`m ovulating - there are clear signs so other than I go out get plastered -raise my testosterone level thus making me more horny and throwing my legs up in wild abandon I`m not going to get pregnant but obviously thats not an accident - thats a decision I made.

I`m a big believer in the unconscious mind ruling, I think our animal brain is still pretty obvious and behaviour not words are the best source of truth and are clearly dictating peoples lifes.

I suppose I`m not saying they set out to get pregnant, because clearly the level of abortion says they don`t want the resulting pregnancies, I`m saying they are educated and aware enough that they have no excuse for not understanding there nature and taking control of their actions ie over riding their unconscious mind which clearly has a drive to procreate.

'accidents shouldn't happen' is entirely different to the slightly ridiculous 'accidents don't happen'

theg81der

bluewolf wrote: »

'accidents shouldn't happen' is entirely different to the slightly ridiculous 'accidents don't happen'

If they shouldn`t happen and they are preventable they are not accidents.

amacachi

theg81der wrote: »

If they shouldn`t happen and they are preventable they are not accidents.

What exactly is an accident under those criteria? Struggling to think of any examples.

Wibbs

theg81der wrote: »

Other than the extremely rare ie not worth factoriing in because its is miles outside of the standard -

That's the point they're not that rare. Even on personal experience it's not that rare and unless my experience is rare in itself.... I also made the point that I know women who have had "accidents" that were anything but. I'm not denying that stuff goes down, nor am I denying that accidents DO happen.

The only time implants failed was doctor error

Untrue. It's one way they can fail. It is not the only way, not by a long shot. But yes overall implants are very good at decreasing the odds of a pregnancy.

I suppose to the people who though they were protected thats an accident but even that was extremely rare there was only a couple of cases and its hardly an accident if someone ie the doc is at fault.

Jeez you like to apportion blame a tad. It's a very rare true accident by any definition where you can't point the finger at someone, however tenuous. The doctor doesn't have to be at fault. The implant may be encapsulated by the body for a start, blocking the hormones. No doctor or patient is going to spot that.

And as a woman I know the days that I`m ovulating

Extraploting from personal subjective experience. You can. This doesn't equate to other women.

there are clear signs so other than I go out get plastered -raise my testosterone level thus making me more horny and throwing my legs up in wild abandon

Hate to break it to you, but while alcohol reduces inhibitions it also reduces testosterone. Brewers droop being one obvious marker for this. Plus many more unwanted pregnancies occur in actual relationships than in ONS so I don't see how that comes into it TBH.

I`m a big believer in the unconscious mind ruling, I think our animal brain is still pretty obvious and behaviour not words are the best source of truth and are clearly dictating peoples lifes.

I suppose I`m not saying they set out to get pregnant, because clearly the level of abortion says they don`t want the resulting pregnancies, I`m saying they are educated and aware enough that they have no excuse for not understanding there nature and taking control of their actions ie over riding their unconscious mind which clearly has a drive to procreate.

I'd agree with that to some degree alright. Certainly in the women I've known who had accidentally on purpose pregnancies this was a lot of it. Most tended to be 30+ and hearing ticking. And yes down the line they claimed an accident(even though they told me clearly at the time it wasn't). People are very good at reinventing the past truth.

That said I still know too many women who didn't want a kid, took all the precautions with regular long term partners and ended up pregnant.

theg81der

theg81der wrote: »

If they shouldn`t happen and they are preventable they are not accidents.

Of course they are accidents. You can't redefine the term accident just because you think they're silly and people should know better.

dearg lady

Thanks for the replies!
I was kinda kidding about bringing it up, I hate fake scenarios anyway, I would just bring it up. I'm in a very new relationship, and while we haven't discussed what we would do, I know he's pro-life. It's something I intend to discuss on a more personal level soon.

curlzy wrote: »

I think in some ways it can be quite a dangerous conversation. I've had hypothetical conversations as in "I think I would probably want this" but I would never say "I would do a, b or c" because what if you change your mind? You could end up in a situation where you have to say "I know I said I would have an abortion but I've realised I don't want one now", leaving the guy to go "WTF, we had agreed a plan of action and now your making a decision that has implications for the rest of my life!". So yeah I would be very hesitant in agreeing a course on action on something that could be totally different in reality than you thought it would be.

Very good point, many people do change their minds. I suppose a discussion on intentions is good, but setting anything in stone maybe not so good.

Wibbs wrote: »

I've had the conversation early on in relationships. Not a serious "lets sit down and discuss A B C" type, but just to get a feel for the other persons general attitudes. But Curlzy raises a very good point
Bingo. In my experience the reality can be very different to the concept. I've known couples who were very pro choice/termination who when faced with a pregnancy went through with it. And I've known one couple the polar opposite who when the reality hit decided to go for a termination. The latter couple really surprised me. As a general once said "No plan survives the first engagement with the enemy".

Whatever about your own moral compass and wishing to be with someone with a similar one(which I'd agree with you there), accidents DO happen T.

Are they as common as some seem to believe? IMHO no. A fair whack of so called accidents are down to not being careful, forgetting to take the pill(the convincing themselves after the fact they did and it failed)* and not knowing how certain conditions and medications can affect hormonal contraceptive. Hell one of my exes was on the pill and her doctor put her on a course of antibiotics for an infection and never even asked her what her contraceptive status was. Dumb. In fact she herself didn't know they could affect the pill and didn't believe me initially and she was no dope. If I hadn't heard of the link I could be a daddy now and neither of us wanted kids(years later we're still both childless). That would have been an accidental pregnancy.

Are accidents as rare as some seem to believe? No. I do know women who've "trapped" men. They've admitted it to me. In most cases they were (stupidly) trying to move the relationship forward into a more permanent phase. In one case she just wanted a child and her next boyfriend of more than a few months was to be the donor. I suspect a couple of other cases, all but one in marriage, where the women suddenly and suspiciously fell pregnant. It happens but not nearly so much as some paranoid men might believe.

In short true accidents happen everyday. No contraceptive is 100%. You can reduce the risk of pregnancy to the point where it's incredibly unlikely, but even couples who've both had the snip have ended up pregnant. Incredibly rare, but it does happen. Another personal example. I knew a couple who wanted kids and they couldn't have them naturally. When tested, he had so few sperm he could have given them names and she had all sorts of problems herself. They, well she, went through some long winded, expensive and oft painful treatment in an effort to have a child. No joy. In the end it was one of the things that split them up. Fastforward 10 years. Both have kids the natural way with other people.








*implants have a significantly lower accident rate for a couple of reasons, but the main one being it's not relying on the person remembering to take a daily medication.

Yup, I know women who've 'trapped' men too, and had no qualms admitting it. Initially I was surprised to discover this still happens but is more common than I would have thought. and I agree, while accidents most certainly do happen, many are, on a subconscious level at least, somewhat planned.

theg81der

Sorry for the long post but I want to explain so I don`t come of as a total bitch, its only my opinion I`m not saying I`m right this is a discussion after all -

Wibbs -
Device insertion error is the only reasoon a pregnancy has resulted from implanon. There was a spate of pregnancies at the start - all found to be device imput error and under extensive controlled experiment (where device was properly fitted) no pregnancy has been recorded. Google it yourself I think trials were in Australia first if my memory serves me.
There is now training course for doctors and an approved list of providers.

Courts have apportioned blame in negligence cases and women who had pregnancies as a result of improper device fitting have won against doctors and been compensated.

Ovulation can be easily predicted and confirmed by anyone choosing to do so, tiny bit of reading and a trip to boots, not remotely hard if you know you don`t want a resulting prenancy.

Alcohol increases testosterone in WOMEN, that is quite well known and pretty clear in my post.

Look I`ve been sexually active 17 years now so lets say :

(17x(20x12))=4080 times
5 years on the combined pill(takn daily,other measure taken if neccessary)
1 year on the progesterone only pill (as above but same time each day)
6 years implanon (approved provider)
2 year condoms only (properly used)
3 year self monitoring (using ovulation test sticks and obvservation and charting)
One pregnacy 2 years ago, which was intended and the first month we tried using the opposite idea of above predicting and trying when ovulating. So clearly I have no fertility issues.

From my perspective I absolutely believe that if everyone was as maticulous as me and valued the creation of life in the same way there is no possibility of accidents. Saying that if I had become pregnant I would have been quite happy and at times wanted to but I did not let my unconsious mind rule, children are the biggest commitment anyone will ever make in life in my opinion.

I lost that baby so I absolutely don`t care if its an "accident", if its loved and healthy it can be the best "accident" that ever happened, lucky you if you have a baby maybe I should have had more "accidents" myself, I sometimes regret my caution. But not making a consious decision to be cautious and take control is the same as making an unconsious decision to roll with the punches or let the chips fall as they may, not that there is anything wrong with that at all and I admire others with that imbrace "accidents" in life kind of attitude, being a little bit careless in life is probably a good thing I take things too seriously.

I had a teacher and I loved his saying - "sure you`d be lucky to get out of this life alive" and he used to laugh so loudly. Embrace life and don`t take it to seriously is what I took from that saying. His family all live to a ripe old age and all have this attitude. They just embrace life with a - see where the wind blows kind of thing. I see this as superior to my own so I`m not putting anyone down. I just call a spad and a spad. Procreation is a very strong instinct - it can even make people lie to themselves and other as can any other natural instinct in people - jealousy, greed .....

lace

I don't think the talk has to come down to a massive debate about abortions and the value of human life etc.

Unplanned pregnancies happen. They are called "unplanned" because the couple did not intend to have a child. Some people would call this an accident. Others might call it a happy act of God. Whatever you want to call it the fact is that it happens to people all the time.

I think that when discussing contraception in a relationship (particularly if relying on only one) it's important to recognize that this could happen. It doesn't have to be a massively detailed plan but I think it helps to at least broach the issue.

daenerysstormborn3

My boyfriend knows that if i was to get pregnant now that i would want an abortion. He is just starting his own business and i'm going back to college, it would be a disaster and we both accept that, that's why we're careful and i've never even had a "scare".

With any of my other relationships i've always made my feelings on kids very clear, i never wanted kids with any of my exes so it was never an issue. I wouldn't have had a second thought about getting an abortion if i ever did find out i was pregnant but i have never been reckless with protection.

There is a difference between an accident and just being stupid and reckless.

--LOS--

I wouldn't have to mention it, it's no secret I don't want kids and I'm not anti-abortion. So there would just be no need for a discussion like that.

wild_cat

OP that's quote is from my long rant I do believe.

It's just making sure you are on the same page as the person you are going out with.

Like... I'd never go out with someone who didn't support abortion. I don't want children and I don't want to go out with someone who thinks its morally wrong either.

Just in case anything ever happened I wouldn't want to be left with a child I didn't want as the other party wanted to keep the baby.

dearg lady

wild_cat wrote: »

OP that's quote is from my long rant I do believe.

It's just making sure you are on the same page as the person you are going out with.

Like... I'd never go out with someone who didn't support abortion. I don't want children and I don't want to go out with someone who thinks its morally wrong either.

Just in case anything ever happened I wouldn't want to be left with a child I didn't want as the other party wanted to keep the baby.

hehe, yes indeed it is!
Nah, it makes a lot of sense, just summat I weirdly never thought about before.
But of course, people do change their minds, which can lead to difficult situations...

Faith

theg81der wrote: »

If they shouldn`t happen and they are preventable they are not accidents.

I assume you apply that logic in all walks of life, yeah? If I'm driving my car extremely carefully, and go to stop at a pedestrian crossing where a very careful pedestrian has started crossing, and my brakes fail and the pedestrian dies, that wasn't an accident? I purposely murdered that person? The human body is extraordinarily complex. Some day, something unpredictable and uncontrollable might happen that causes my body to fail to absorb my pill that I've carefully taken. Or we might use a condom as carefully as possible and a few determined sperm might still get through somehow. I know of cases where a condom was used PLUS the morning after pill was taken and pregnancy still resulted. Equally, I know of cases where proper use of the pill + a condom still resulted in pregnancy. It's extremely insulting, not to mention ignorant, to imply that pregnancy can't result from an unfortunate set of uncontrollable circumstances.

Anyway, this thread isn't about that. I discussed things with my boyfriend within the first 6 months or so. I don't want children, so it's important to me that he knows that. If anything should happen, I'd want us to be on the same page.

Shoe Lover

I've been with my OH for five years now and I don't recall that we ever sat down and talked about what would happen if we had an unplanned pregnancy. At this stage in our relationship, I know that if it happened, it wouldn't be the end of the world. In fact, I'd probably be pretty happy. We both want children.

Faith wrote: »

Or we might use a condom as carefully as possible and a few determined sperm might still get through somehow. I know of cases where a condom was used PLUS the morning after pill was taken and pregnancy still resulted. Equally, I know of cases where proper use of the pill + a condom still resulted in pregnancy. It's extremely insulting, not to mention ignorant, to imply that pregnancy can't result from an unfortunate set of uncontrollable circumstances.

I have to agree wholeheartedly with this. My little sister had an unplanned pregnancy a few years ago. They used protection correctly and she still got pregnant. It was quite hard for her actually because ppl didn't believe that she did use protection and were quite judgemental. Even the nurse at our doctors office when she went for her first appointment was rude to her and was insinuating that she got pregnant after a one-night stand, even though my sister was telling her that she and her boyfriend had been together for seven years! :mad: Anyway, it doesn't matter now cos all that agro has resulted in the most amazing little girl who never fails to put a smile on our faces :D:D

dearg lady

Shoe Lover wrote: »

I have to agree wholeheartedly with this. My little sister had an unplanned pregnancy a few years ago. They used protection correctly and she still got pregnant. It was quite hard for her actually because ppl didn't believe that she did use protection and were quite judgemental. Even the nurse at our doctors office when she went for her first appointment was rude to her and was insinuating that she got pregnant after a one-night stand, even though my sister was telling her that she and her boyfriend had been together for seven years! :mad: Anyway, it doesn't matter now cos all that agro has resulted in the most amazing little girl who never fails to put a smile on our faces :D:D

awww, thats lovely. there's judgemental people everywhere isn't there. I once had a doctor give out to me for being on the pill because I wasn't in a relationship at the time, but I would want to doubly sure not to get preggers after a ONS!
I think part of it is a kind of boy crying wolf thing, because some girls will have 'accidents', people can become quite skeptical. In general if contraception is used correctly, chances of gettin pregnant are very low, but of course, it's not 100%

Azureus

Myself and my boyfriend did talk about this, not in a clinical way but we definately did have the what-if conversations that I personally think are very neccesary if you are sleeping with somebody.
Obviously, if it ever came down to it, we would need to re-discuss our options but theoretically we knoe where we both stand on the issues so thered be no major suprises.

Malari

Yeah, We dicussed it fairly early on. It probably came up when we were both annoyed at a kid crying in a restaurant or something

Neither of us want kids, so I wonder if it's an easier thing to decide on because we know that's not going to change (or would be a deal-breaker if it does)? If you decide you want a baby at some point, it must be harder to know what position you'd take if you got pregnant at 3 months into a relationship, or a year, or 3 years, if at some point you both want kids.

dearg lady

Malari wrote: »

If you decide you want a baby at some point, it must be harder to know what position you'd take if you got pregnant at 3 months into a relationship, or a year, or 3 years, if at some point you both want kids.

When I was younger and couldn't have afforded a child, the decision would have been much more clear cut for me. Now I really don't know what I would do...maybe thats part of why I haven't brought it up thus far.

convert

We discussed this pretty early on in our relationship (we didn't sit down to discuss it, it just kinda came up, which was probably the best way of discussing it), and have done so numerous times since, and we were both of the same opinion should an 'accident' happen. Obviously, if the situation arose we'd discuss it again, but our opinions haven't changed over the last number of years.

Blush_01

I make no bones about being personally pro-life, but generally pro-choice. I have always wanted kids, and would hope I'd find a way to manage to juggle everything else in my life should I find myself pregnant.

As far as I'm concerned, that's my choice, and it's an easy stance to maintain when this is all theoretical. Should things become more literal, I might have to re-evaluate my position.

It's not a decision someone else can make for you imho.

Jack B. Badd

Blush_01 wrote: »

I make no bones about being personally pro-life, but generally pro-choice.

I think pro-choice is pro-choice regardless of the choice you make. Sometimes it's taken as pro-abortion but it's not (imo I think very few people are pro-abortion, even the women/couples who choose it would prefer not to have to). So long as you make a choice, to continue with a pregnancy or otherwise, that's pro-choice. Sorry if I sound like I'm telling you what you think, it's just my opinion

This is a big relationship question & definitely one that came up early for my partner & me. I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable leaving a decision or discussion like this to the last minute...

Eve_Dublin

I discussed this with the guy I'm going out with only a few months on the very first date. Not about what would happen if WE had kids (that'd be strange it being the first date) but he asked me did I want kids (I do but not yet...would like to wait 'till my mid-30s) and visa versa (he does and sooner than me as he's older) and we've discussed it casually and joked about what would happen if it did happen. I had a bit of a scare a month or so ago (even though I'm careful, I'm nervous still..it wasn't a scare, more me being paranoid) and he said, "Well, what happens, happens." and I suppose now I know how he would react if I did fall pregnant. Abortion is available to women on request here in Spain, so that's always at the back of my mind. It's not something I want to go through (as Jack said above, very few people are pro-abortion) but it's still an option but perhaps not one I'd choose personally if it actually happened, not at this stage in my life.

eviltwin

I think its important to discuss this early on so you both know where you stand.

My husband and I found out we were expecting our first baby three months into our relationship. We were only in our teens so had never even discussed the idea of kids at all. Its only know that I am older that I can see how lucky I was that we both wanted the same things in life ie family and kids and that I wasn't left high and dry.

I'm actually amazed now that its not something people talk about...its something that can happen so easily and can completely change your life whatever your view and yet its not discussed

I do think if you have both decided that kids are not for you ever or at the moment you owe it to your partner to do your best to make sure it doesn't happen.

pow wow

I've had the 'conversation' pretty early on in a serious relationship as I'm absolutely immovable on the course of action I'd take if I were to get pregnant as this stage in my life, and he needs to be on board with that. Actually now that I think of it it's more of a 'this is what I would do' as opposed to a 'what would you do in this situation' chat....but yeah, it generally comes up I figure if we're responsible enough to have sex we can have a chat about what would happen in that scenario.

Blush_01

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

I think pro-choice is pro-choice regardless of the choice you make. Sometimes it's taken as pro-abortion but it's not (imo I think very few people are pro-abortion, even the women/couples who choose it would prefer not to have to). So long as you make a choice, to continue with a pregnancy or otherwise, that's pro-choice. Sorry if I sound like I'm telling you what you think, it's just my opinion

This is a big relationship question & definitely one that came up early for my partner & me. I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable leaving a decision or discussion like this to the last minute...

I understand your perspective, but I guess I'll just clarify my stance. For me, there is no choice. Which is easy to say, having never been in that situation.

Lola92

I remember having this conversation with my first ever boyfriend at about age 15, probably only 3/4 weeks into the relationship. Now we were nowhere near that stage at all, but I felt that since there was a possibility that I might sleep with him at some stage then there was also a possibility that I would get pregnant.

To me it is a subject that needs to be discussed if you are having a sexual relationship with someone. Its not exactly the type of thing you say we'll talk about it when it happens...

Novella

I guess I have had the 'what would we do if...' chat with guys I've gone out with simply because I did find myself unexpectedly pregnant when I was quite young so I know what it's like and I do know what I would want in the situation.

Mogget

After coming out of a crappy relationship I said to my new boyfriend that I did want to get married eventually but never wanted kids.He said grand and here we are 6 years later.

Never had an accident, but if it ever happened I told my partner I'd be gone to the UK immediately and with no regrets to which he readily agrees.

I consider myself very lucky my partner has the same values as me:)

LegacyUser

My family would be very anti abortions but would be pro-choice but I would keep quite about this. Some people think pro-choice is pro-abortion but I think many people don't know how they would react if they found out they had an unplanned pregnancy.

I remember having a conversation with a girl a few years older then me. She had a child herself and was not married. She said her child was the best thing that every happened to her. When she was pregnant she went with a friend of hers to England to support her when she had an abortion. Her friend was with a man who was violent and had serious problems.
She said that both her and her friend made the right decision for each of them at the time.

If I met some one now I would tell them early in the relationship I want marriage and children. If they said I don't want this I would not stay with them due to my age.