how can anyone take my relationship seriously????

LegacyUser

I am so upset this evening, I just got off the phone from my so-called “fiancé” who just told me that he wants to postpone the wedding because he is depressed because of the financial difficulty he is under.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel for his predicament and would want to share his burden both emotionally and financially. But, he is always pushing me away. Every second week he does want to go ahead with the wedding/being married and the next week he is depressed and can’t face it.

This has been going on for 12 months now. And, before that he was depressed so didn’t want to get engaged. I know he cares about me but still, he can’t commit.

I don’t care about a big day out... I hate the idea of walking down the aisle with all those eyes on me. Most of my friends have emigrated so it’s not like we would even have a big party. It would just be family. I just want to be married.

I don’t know what it is that sets marriage apart from other relationships, but want it. I am sick to my stomach that he will back out at the last minute and it will let everyone down.

I can’t seem to get him to commit to a date. It’s like the things that are important to me don’t matter to him. And I want us to start a family. I have a good job so we could afford to have kids but I think considering that we have been together for nearly 10 years, we should be married first.

Time is ticking on (im 32) and I don’t think he understands my worries. I don’t know if this has made any sense but I was upset and needed to say these things.

I just got off the phone from him. We talk every day but only see each other at the weekends, as I had to take this job in Galway and he has to stay in Dublin. The phone gives him great distance.

The moment I start telling him how I feel about all his dithering, he tells me that I don’t care about his worries and not to bother talking to him until I do. But, the thing is I listen to his worries all the time but the moment I mention weddings or babies *bang* down goes the phone.

When will we ever have a normal relationship? I hate the way the mess the country is now in has ruined my chances at ever getting married/having kids/having a home with him. Also, my friend is getting married next weekend and he refuses to go along to that. I am going stag yet again!

God, sorry for the rant.

LegacyUser

It's fairly simple really.

He's just not that into you.

If he was, he would have married you a long time ago. This may sound harsh but I've been there. I wondered why he wouldn't just set the date, etc. Eventually I had the courage to see what was going on, that we were heading nowhere because he was trying to prolong everything, because he just wasn't that bothered, he was holding out in the hopes that something better would come along.

Several years on and I am married with a little one. He got married exactly one year after he and I broke up. We went out for 10 years without marriage yet he was able to meet someone out of the blue and marry her within a year. I stupidly questioned it and he was able to tell me that the reason he married her so quickly was because it was different, she 'is the one'.. Pity he hadn't told me that before I wasted 10 years with him.

What is going to change in your circumstances if you marry? Are you going to pack your job in Galway in, and move into his place in Dublin and expect him to provide for you? Are his financial difficulties just going to disappear?

I think it's clear cut; he's just not bothered enough about you to marry you. He doesn't want to be tied to you for the rest of his life. You aren't rocking his world enough and he wonders if there is better out there. Living apart probably doesn't help.

It sounds like you are putting endless pressure on him for a life he just doesn't want with you. That's not what marriage should be about. Planning a wedding with someone you love should be a fun and equal experience, he should be as interested as you.

And whatever about marriage, definitely don't go bringing kids into this situation. No child deserves to be brought into a relationship like this.

Floppybits

Piggyinthemiddle, to get married you have to have 2 people who want to get married, not 1 person who wants and another who doesn't and it sounds to me from your post that your bf doesn't want to get married, infact I would even questions does he want a relationship?

You say in your that he didn't want to get engaged but he dithered over that before you did get engaged, and now he is dithering over the wedding, these are huge red flags, your bf does not want to get married.

The reason I question your relationship is that you said he wont got to a friends wedding with you, did he give a reason or is he just refusing to go? To me this is not showing you respect, it doesn't take much to go to a wedding and to spend time with you.

If i was you I would have a serious think about your relationship and ask yourself some really hard questions because from what it sounds like to me is that you are both looking at going separate ways.

ManOfMystery

To be honest OP, it doesn't sound like his heart is in this.

People get married because they WANT to, as a couple. They should be excited about planning it.

Your bf sounds anxious and worried about it. You could simply put this down to pre-wedding nerves about the cost or whatever, but the fact that he dithered about the engagement too implies to me that he's got engaged because he feels he should - not because he wanted to. Whether this was due to pressure from you, or his family/friends, or whatever - I don't know.

Him not going to your friend's wedding is a big warning sign too. Does he have a valid reason - i.e. is he working? Prior engagement? Doesn't get on with you friend? etc?

I've been to a lot of weddings and sometimes they're a drag if you have a few to attend within a few months, but at the end of the day you still have a day out, a meal, some music and craic, and you get to celebrate a couple's marriage. If he doesn't have a valid reason as to why he doesn't want to go, I'd take a long shot and speculate that he may not want to be at your friend's wedding as this may lead to more discussion/excitement/talk/planning about your wedding - as these things do. And that's something he's clearly wishing to avoid.

I think you need to sit him down properly, and ask him to be 110% honest with you about his intentions. Tell him if he doesn't want to do this, now is the time to put a stop to it - not when you're standing at the altar. It takes 2 commited people to make a marriage work, and if 1 of them isn't interested, then you may as well call it a day now.

ManOfMystery

I agree with the posters above OP.

Also, does your bf have a valid reason for not wanting to attend your friend's wedding with you? Does he have work, a prior engagement, etc? Does he not get on with your friend?

If there's no valid reason, then I would take a long shot and suggest that he may assume that going to your friend's wedding will inevitably lead to more talk/planning/discussion of your own wedding - and that's clearly a topic he's trying to avoid.

Look, you have to take a step back and look at this situation on a whole. He was relucant to get engaged, he seems reluctant to get married or be around wedding, there is no sense of excitement or anticipation from him about getting married ....................... it really sounds like he simply doesn't want to do it OP.

I don't know if he felt pressurised into getting engaged by you, friends/family, whatever. But it sounds like he did it for all the wrong reasons. I think you really need to sit him down and ask him to lay the cards on the table and be 200% honest with you. If he doesn't want to get married, now is the time to declare it - not when you're standing at the altar. And I think you should be ready to accept that his answer could go either way, and if he doesn't give you the answer you want, be strong enough to walk away.

LegacyUser

Oh my God! I hope you are wrong in your thoughts and I am afraid to talk to him about the things you put in your replies just in case they turn out to be true. So, I think more detail is needed on our relationship.

Firstly the wedding next week, it could be that he does not want me to start another rant about the wedding and, you are right, it would probably be a rant/nagging. But I nag because I am insecure about it. But it could also be taken at face value that it is because he HATES my friends. The summer we met I was doing a lot of drunken studenty drinking and on my birthday was plastered by 9 p.m. so one of my friends boyfriends put me in a cab to bring me home. I had just started going out with *Bob* and he arrived soon after. He hung out with them for the night not knowing that I had been accidentally put in a taxi with a predator. I don’t want to go into gorey details but suffice to say, it ended badly. Now, I am still friends with all these girls and one of them who was there that night is getting married next weekend. Bob blames them for not looking after me so will not be in their company at all.

Previously, he would not get engaged because of this incident saying that some days he can’t even look at me and just wanted to get away from me. He has nightmares a lot because once, early on in our relationship when I was drunk and wanting someone to talk to, I told him about the details of the attack. He has told me that back then before I had told him about what had happened to me he had already told his mother that he had met The One and he was planning on proposing. That was 9 years ago.

I started drinking even more once it happened and stopped going out with my friends because I just didn’t fit in anymore. He stopped wanting to bring me out with him because I would always black out by the end of the night and would end up being a hassle to bring home. So, I started staying at home. Stopped caring about my looks and piled on the lbs. Since then, I have kinda gotten things back in order: stopped drinking, started going to the gym.

But its not all that bad, I helped him financially and academically to go back to college to get a degree which he now has. During which time, his business went under due to the obvious reasons. I helped him start a new business but then, thank God, I got this job because i was literally loosing my mind at home writing up my thesis. Now, the sheriff is looking for him to pay back taxes with money he just does not have. The new business that he set up has not earned any revenue yet. He has no assets and had to move back home with his mother. His dad died recently and his mother got cancer.

So, I know that it has not been easy or plain sailing for him and he promises that he will never leave me and if you knew me, you would know I would never leave him. But, knowing that a wedding was on the table 9 years ago and I blew it because of what i said hurts so much. I still love him with all my heart and i believe that through all we have been through he must still love me because otherwise he would have left and gone to oz like everyone else.

I really just want the security of a marriage and he loves kids. Tho, he didn’t tell anyone in his extended family or any of his friends about our engagement. Also, his sister only found out four months after we got engaged and his brother six months after. But maybe you’re right. Maybe he thinks he owes it to me but he still doesn’t want to be bound to me forever considering all the things he would be taking on. I just wish I had never told him.

on a happier note, he rang me back soon after my previous rant to say sorry but that he was just feeling depressed.

Miss Fluff

It doesn't sound like this man even wants to be in a relationship with you let alone get married to you. Are you prepared to have a really difficult conversation with him? And are you prepared to walk away? If marriage really is that important to you then I just don't think it's going to happen with this man tbh.

Taltos

I also agree with the rest but will go a bit further.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel for his predicament and would want to share his burden both emotionally and financially.

What do you mean by the above - of all you wrote this jumped out at me.
"Feel for his predicament" & "would want to share his burden" - are you really serious OP?

I have a gut feeling that you feel time is slipping away from you and you want to get married sharpish.

To be equally blunt - this relationship is not right.
My recommendation is to end it immediately.
I mean - you are even on different sides of the country - how in anyones name can you plan a wedding let alone plan on being married?

I know I am being a bit to the point here - but I really think in this case someone has to be.
Your BF is suffering from depression.
You don't seem to be able to cope or understand this.
You are only together at weekends.
You talked him into getting engaged.
You cannot get him to commit to a date.

I think your best bet right now to have your children is to find someone else. You are only 32 right now and effectively still have 20 yrs of fertility ahead of you provided you have lived a healthy life (at least according to that show on CH4 last night). I have to wonder how much of your OHs depression is being triggered by the pressure he is feeling from getting married and having children with you?

Bipolar Joe

I'm gonna play Devil's Advocate, here, so fair warning, aye?

If he's having financial troubles, that can really wreck a person, especially if that person feels he or she has got to provide for a family, whether that family includes kids or not. He might be worried that it'll all get worse when you two get married. If he's truly depressed, the guy needs a break, not a swift kick up the arse. If it is a case of you thinking he doesn't wanna get hitched, straight up ask him. None of us or you can crawl into his head and know for certain what's rattling about in there. Marriage isn't just a big life commitment. Speaking as a dude who wouldn't mind a try of it if I can find someone stupid enough to think I'm a catch, it terrifies the **** out of me, the idea that I couldn't pull it off, especially in this economy.

Your best bet is an honest, terribly open talk. If he's depressed over money issues, seek counselling or whatever. I don't recommend meds unless it's for actual bio-based troubles. Good luck with whatever you choose.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

I also agree with the rest but will go a bit further.



What do you mean by the above - of all you wrote this jumped out at me.
"Feel for his predicament" & "would want to share his burden" - are you really serious OP?

Yeah, that sounded pretty lousy of me. What I meant was that I am aware that he is in debt up to his eyeballs and know that -Dr Phil time- it would become my debt if we got married and I walking blind into that. I don't think marriage is easy and know that you have to support eachother 100% which I have done and will always do.

The reason why we have to live apart is because we moved into farming with everything in my name. He has to stay at home for that reason but it is not providing an income so I have to work away. I pay for all the bills, bought him a car so he wouldnt be stranded in the back arse of nowhere five days a week. Thing is, for me to do all of this i have to work in Galway. I was unemployed/doing a phd which went over budget so nolonger got any funding and I needed to get a job. This was the only one (after 2 years) where i was actually offered the position, so i couldnt risk turning it down.

Sorry for sounding like a B*tch earlier. I was probably feeling a tad like one cos i was thinking me-me-me-when-do-I-get-my-chance.

As for his treatment for depression, yeah, he went once and decided he was cured. Which, obviously, he wasn't. I have tried to get him to go back but im afraid it must sound like nagging as usual.

Chinafoot

Taltos wrote: »

I have a gut feeling that you feel time is slipping away from you and you want to get married sharpish.

Agree with this.

OP, from reading your post it just sounds like you want marriage and babies, but not necessarily marriage and babies with this man. It sounds like he's a means to an end for you and you're pushing things because you want to get a move on. You haven't mentioned the word 'love' once.

Why are you pushing him when he clearly doesn't want this? Your boyfriend has told you he is depressed and yet all you can focus on is weddings and babies? You're being extremely selfish here tbh. He needs your support. He doesn't need you trying to push him into such huge committments just because you feel that time is getting on.

You also seem rather concerned with what other people think. Your thread title is "how can anyone take my relationship seriously?" and you also mentioned your worry that he will "back out at the last minute and let everyone down." A marriage is supposed to be about the two people getting married, not about everyone else. Not about what others will think. You aren't taking this bloke's feelings into consideration at all. He's telling you he's not ready but you're just pushing ahead with everything and not listening to him.

OP, you need to stop and take a step back. If your boyfriend is depressed then you need to focus on supporting him to get better. Forcing him into a marriage he doesn't want and having children he doesn't want is not going to make your relationship any better. If anything, you're going to make things a hell of a lot worse.

You need to take a serious look at yourself and what it is you want and why you want it.

curlzy

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

The moment I start telling him how I feel about all his dithering, he tells me that I don’t care about his worries and not to bother talking to him until I do. But, the thing is I listen to his worries all the time but the moment I mention weddings or babies *bang* down goes the phone.

When will we ever have a normal relationship? I hate the way the mess the country is now in has ruined my chances at ever getting married/having kids/having a home with him. Also, my friend is getting married next weekend and he refuses to go along to that. I am going stag yet again!

Hey OP,

I don't think you can blame the recession. This, to me anyways, is a simple case of a guy getting away with treating a girl like crap. So you listen to him with his tales of money trouble but he slams down the phone on you when you mention weddings? That is disrespectful in the extreme.

The financial thing is irrelevent unless you want a big expensive wedding and you don't so that's a moot point. He has you begging for something that he promised when he proposed. The fact he's refusing to go to your friend's wedding makes me think he's also extremely immature. If I were you I'd cut my losses while I have some dignity intact. I honestly would crawl over glass or hotcoals quicker than I'd beg a man to get married, that's so demeaning, you want your fiance to look forward to being your husband not something he has to be beaten into.

He's treating you like crap and stringing you along. At the end of the day he does't want to get married but instead of being an adult and telling you he's using the recession as a reason to keep stringing you along. So yeah as hard as it is I'd cut my losses at this stage, to be honest I wouldn't want to marry someone that cares so little about you, if he cared about you he'd be honest about what he wants.

Best of luck.

Girlene

Chinafoot wrote: »

Agree with this.

OP, from reading your post it just sounds like you want marriage and babies, but not necessarily marriage and babies with this man. It sounds like he's a means to an end for you and you're pushing things because you want to get a move on. You haven't mentioned the word 'love' once.

Why are you pushing him when he clearly doesn't want this? Your boyfriend has told you he is depressed and yet all you can focus on is weddings and babies? You're being extremely selfish here tbh. He needs your support. He doesn't need you trying to push him into such huge committments just because you feel that time is getting on.

You also seem rather concerned with what other people think. Your thread title is "how can anyone take my relationship seriously?" and you also mentioned your worry that he will "back out at the last minute and let everyone down." A marriage is supposed to be about the two people getting married, not about everyone else. Not about what others will think. You aren't taking this bloke's feelings into consideration at all. He's telling you he's not ready but you're just pushing ahead with everything and not listening to him.

OP, you need to stop and take a step back. If your boyfriend is depressed then you need to focus on supporting him to get better. Forcing him into a marriage he doesn't want and having children he doesn't want is not going to make your relationship any better. If anything, you're going to make things a hell of a lot worse.

You need to take a serious look at yourself and what it is you want and why you want it.

+1 Never mind anyone else taking your relationship seriously, You don't take it seriously. Even if this man does want to marry you eventually, you're focus should be on supporting him and working through your issues together. If he is genuinely depressed, I would have expected this post to be more along the lines of " My OH is in trouble, any advice, or how can I help in" You've basically just said to him, yeah yeah never mind your depression or whatever when are we getting married??? I understand why he hangs up to be honest. You don't seem concerned about his feelings whatsover, just your fairytale ending :rolleyes:. Correct me if i'm wrong but should and engaged couple who've been together for 10 years not be sharing financial responsibilities anyways.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

You need to take a serious look at yourself and what it is you want and why you want it.

Chinafoot, I do love him with everything ounce of my soul. If i didnt, one of any of the many things that happened to us in the last ten years would have been enough to start fresh. But, rather than being a negative to our relationship, these things have made us stronger together.

Our favourite thing to do at the weekends is to be together working at the business I helped him start, walking our dog, watching movies etc. Basically being together.

I want us to be united as one and to put my past behind us. I think we can work together to get him through his mothers illness and his fathers passing and things will turn around for him financially because he is so smart.

I am a regular frequenter on the boards but went anonomyous on this post so I could be honest without people thinking badly of me. I would not ever want to marry him if i didnt love him completely.

And, yes, im afraid time is ticking on. my sister is 41 and has been trying for a baby for 5 years with no success. I fear I will be the same. I think if i wait until 36-ish, i am afraid it will be too late for me.

So anyway, I am sorry to everyone if i sound like a heartless b-itch but I really am not and yes I can be very selfish. having an overbearing mother telling me that my boyf doesnt love me as much as my sisters hubbie does doesnt help. She points out that even though they met 3 years after my boyf and I did and the hubbie is the same age as my boyf, he loved her enough to propose to her, where my boyf still digs his heels in. She then tells me that he is only using me until something better comes along. And, yes, sometimes i worry that this is indeed the case.

Girlene

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I don't think you can blame the recession. This, to me anyways, is a simple case of a guy getting away with treating a girl like crap. So you listen to him with his tales of money trouble but he slams down the phone on you when you mention weddings? That is disrespectful in the extreme.

The finacial thing is irrelevent unless you want a big expensive wedding and you don't so that's a moot point. He has you begging for something that he promised when he proposed. The fact he's refusing to go to your friend's wedding makes me think he's also extremely immature. If I were you I'd cut my losses while I have some dignity intact. I honestly would crawl over glass or hotcoals quicker than I'd beg a man to get married, that's so demeaning, you want your fiance to look forward to being your husband not something he has to be beaten into.

He's treating you like crap and stringing you along. At the end of the day he does't want to get married but instead of being an adult and telling you he's using the recession as a reason to keep stringing you along. So yeah as hard as it is I'd cut my losses at this stage, to be honest I wouldn't want to marry someone that cares so little about you, if he cared about you he'd be honest about what he wants.

Best of luck.

Can you not see the irony? A wedding is a huge expense. It's hardly what you want to hear when you're in serious financial trouble.

LegacyUser

Girlene wrote: »

Correct me if i'm wrong but should and engaged couple who've been together for 10 years not be sharing financial responsibilities anyways.

Girlene I know, i sound so selfish. And thanks for telling me to cop myself on and to stop thinking about myself all of the time. I could probably listen harder to his pressures.

I was at a meeting abroad last week and accidentally took his phone to Galway with me thinking it was mine. He rang me and told me my mistake but as he had driven me to galway I had no way of bringing it back to dublin. At 11pm, he had to turn around just as he had gotten home and drive back to Galway just for his phone. I apologised no end when he arrived and told him I didnt do it on purpose. But, he said "You didn't do it on purpose but you didn't NOT do it on purpose either" in other words, you were only thinking of yourself as usual. I felt s*itty. He told me that I needed to make it up to him by fixing stuff on his website before i rang him again, so in the evenings after the conference, I worked on this and on thursday when I rang him to tell him i had done the work and I hoped he forgave me he broke down crying saying that the sheriff had been in touch with him again. I had not rang him the night befor because I hadnt lived up to my side of the agreement of fixing his website before talking to him. I should have rang the night before because he needed me and I was not there. So I am selfish and maybe I do need to look at the way I treat him and am i really worthy of this relationship at all.

LegacyUser

Girlene wrote: »

Can you not see the irony? A wedding is a huge expense. It's hardly what you want to hear when you're in serious financial trouble.

God, i know but I would literally do a €300 registry office job but then, am I just giving in. I still havent told my friends that they aren't allowed come because he holds a grudge against them because of what happened.

Hanahuna

Hi

I was in a bad relationship, he treated me like rubbish and only cared about himself...
I can understand you feel sad and when he cheers up everything will be roses in the garden again but deep down you know thing are not right.. I have been told to break up with my controlling boyfriend for ages but wouldn't listen till I got really hurt and now that I'm away from him everyday I kick myself for been so gullible and stupid believing he will change.. It rarely happens... Its easier said than done breaking up especially an engagement but long term if you do have children and he is depressed all the time its not ideal...

If it was me I would leave but At 32 you feel like the walls are closing in and you have to act quick...

Whats better acting quick are responsibly.... Some of your friends marriages might not work whereas if u take your time sit down sort this one out or leave and find Mr. right you will be better in the long run... Hope this helps xx

LegacyUser

Hanahuna wrote: »

I was in a bad relationship, he treated me like rubbish and only cared about himself...

Thanks Hanahuna,

Not sure if i can go through with this. My family have been telling me for years he is not for me but I have always believed that it was just our circumstances that were not right. I could not face leaving all we have built up together and starting again alone, with noone to look forward to seeing and nothing but memories. But sometimes i feel like i am being taken for granted.

LittleBook

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

he is always pushing me away. Every second week he does want to go ahead with the wedding/being married and the next week he is depressed and can’t face it.

This has been going on for 12 months now. And, before that he was depressed so didn’t want to get engaged.

So one week he "doesn't want to go ahead with the wedding" and the next week he's "depressed and can't face it". Repeat cycle.

He doesn't want to get married. Did he actually even propose??

emmabrighton

LittleBook wrote: »

So one week he "doesn't want to go ahead with the wedding" and the next week he's "depressed and can't face it". Repeat cycle.

He doesn't want to get married. Did he actually even propose??

I wondered that too. Are you sure that he didnt just give in because you had brought it up so many times and he felt that after 9 years you should be getting married. Especially if your friends are getting married.

Could you live with the answer if you asked him? Could you still be with him if he told you he didnt want to get married? Or if he said no, would you be happy to walk away and try again with someone else?

And by "letting everyone down" do you mean your family/friends. They would probably be sad for you if you broke the engagement but not disappointed in you.

I know in my situation that my mother has pressured me into getting married even though I was happy just as things were and now as the day draws near I am having panic attacks about my big day out. It is a financial curse!

Chinafoot

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

Chinafoot, I do love him with everything ounce of my soul. If i didnt, one of any of the many things that happened to us in the last ten years would have been enough to start fresh. But, rather than being a negative to our relationship, these things have made us stronger together.

I'm sorry OP but your first post gave absolutely no indication of any love for this man. It came across that he his behaviour was just getting in the way of your ultimate goal which is to have a ring on your finger, a house of your own and a few kids running around.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

Our favourite thing to do at the weekends is to be together working at the business I helped him start, walking our dog, watching movies etc. Basically being together.

So why can't you continue this? Why the absolute necessity to get married? He has made it very clear that he's not ready for it and surely if you love him with every ounce of your soul you can at least consider things from his point of view. Instead you are ignoring his concerns and are trying to force him into a situation he clearly doesn't want.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I want us to be united as one and to put my past behind us. I think we can work together to get him through his mothers illness and his fathers passing and things will turn around for him financially because he is so smart.

But can you not see that by forcing the wedding and babies issue you aren't helping him at all? You are putting even more pressure on him when he sounds like he's already at an extreme low. Saying "he's smart, things will get better" does not help him. That's belittling his feelings and not taking his concerns seriously. There are plenty of smart people out there who are suffering financially.

Genuine question OP...what have you done to help him? Have you taken him seriously when he tells you he's depressed or are you taking the stance that he just needs to get over it so you can get on with your marriage and babies plan? Have to be honest, your posts reek of the latter.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I am a regular frequenter on the boards but went anonomyous on this post so I could be honest without people thinking badly of me. I would not ever want to marry him if i didnt love him completely.

Again, thats not how you came across. At all.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

And, yes, im afraid time is ticking on. my sister is 41 and has been trying for a baby for 5 years with no success. I fear I will be the same. I think if i wait until 36-ish, i am afraid it will be too late for me.

And my 44 year old work colleague just had her first baby with no complications whatsoever. Everyone is different. I appreciate that you have a timeline for having kids, I have one myself, but you need to decide whats more important to you in this situation. Having a baby by the age you have picked, or ensuring that BOTH you and your partner are in the right place to have children. Again, and I really don't mean to be harsh but I think a dose of cop on is needed, you are only thinking of yourself.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

So anyway, I am sorry to everyone if i sound like a heartless b-itch but I really am not and yes I can be very selfish. having an overbearing mother telling me that my boyf doesnt love me as much as my sisters hubbie does doesnt help. She points out that even though they met 3 years after my boyf and I did and the hubbie is the same age as my boyf, he loved her enough to propose to her, where my boyf still digs his heels in. She then tells me that he is only using me until something better comes along. And, yes, sometimes i worry that this is indeed the case.

Stop comparing your relationship to everyone else ffs. What does it matter how quickly your sister and her husband got engaged? How on earth is that a reflection on your relationship? I'm with my boyfriend 6 years and we're not engaged. My friend is with her partner 3 years and they are getting married this year. Does that mean my boyfriend doesn't love me as much as my friend's boyfriend loves her? Does it f*ck! Why are you so concerned with everyone else's opinion? You are worrying about everyone except the person you should be worried about....your boyfriend who obviously needs your support.

he broke down crying saying that the sheriff had been in touch with him again.

Your boyfriend is crying on the phone about his money problems and your response is to post here giving out about his lack of movement on marriage and babies?! I am absolutely amazed at how selfish you're being. If being married and having children is your sole intention then leave this relationship. Stop trying to force this man into situations that he can not handle at the moment. Are you so ignorant to depression that you think he'll just get over it and give you what you want? He needs help. Try to look beyond yourself for a minute and realise that he's in a bad way. If anything, holding back on the marriage and children until he's out of this mess he's in sounds like a completely sensible approach. You have the blinkers on.

Your family might make you think he's taking advantage of you but personally I think you're trying to take advantage of him.

Taltos

OP - I think you both need to take responsibility here and that is going to mean some tough choices.

Him:
He needs to get consistent treatment for his depression. One session wouldn't cure an itchy back.
He also needs to seek professional advice on the business and maybe even debt restructuring - especially if the Sherriff is calling. If this is the case then there is no way you can get married now without knowing 100% that your assets are protected.

You:
Stop making excuses for you both.
Stop accepting his behaviour - you are enabling his spiral.
Also the way he spoke to you after finding out what happened that night - do you have so little self-respect that you would allow someone who professes to love you to blame you for being attacked???

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I am afraid to talk to him about the things you put in your replies just in case they turn out to be true. So, I think more detail is needed on our relationship.

This is precisely why you MUST talk to him - you both need to figure out what is going on here. None of us can really do that for you - and neither can you without talking to him.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

he HATES my friends...Bob blames them for not looking after me so will not be in their company at all.

We all feck up OP. If this wedding is important to you then he needs to be an adult and swallow his pride and show up for your sake, if going would make you happy then he needs to cop on. Although who knows maybe he just figures he cannot afford it...

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

Previously, he would not get engaged because of this incident saying that some days he can’t even look at me and just wanted to get away from me. He has nightmares a lot because once, early on in our relationship when I was drunk and wanting someone to talk to, I told him about the details of the attack.

What? Was he the one attacked here? How did he become the victim in all this? Did you really buy this load of garbage?
However - would not get engaged - that was your first sign of cold feet.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

He stopped wanting to bring me out with him because I would always black out by the end of the night and would end up being a hassle to bring home.

Growing up in an alcoholic household I would run a mile and don't think I could ever let go of the fear that you would backslide. Just something to consider.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I really just want the security of a marriage and he loves kids. Tho, he didn’t tell anyone in his extended family or any of his friends about our engagement. Also, his sister only found out four months after we got engaged and his brother six months after. But maybe you’re right. Maybe he thinks he owes it to me but he still doesn’t want to be bound to me forever considering all the things he would be taking on. I just wish I had never told him.

You might be onto somethere there OP.

Look - if you cannot talk together seek couples counselling - clearly the big white elephant in the room is your lack of communication. Depression and everything else aside you both need to learn how to talk or this is doomed.

emmabrighton

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

knowing that a wedding was on the table 9 years ago and I blew it because of what i said hurts so much. I still love him with all my heart and i believe that through all we have been through he must still love me because otherwise he would have left and gone to oz like everyone else.

You poor thing, it really sounds like you both have been through the wars.

If he is having trouble moving on from your assault, can you both go for therapy jointly? Maybe your need for committment stems from what happened to you. Especially when he says he was about to propose until he found out what happened to you. I know that guys can find that kinda thing very hard to deal with.

As for his money trouble, have you suggested he talk to MABS? They can help in these situations. Has he been to any berevement councelling? Or is that the treatment you spoke about previously?

Magicmatilda

Hi, Maybe I have read this thread wrong, I'm a bit confused by the responses and it looked like the OP's updates came in log after she posted them but as far as I can see OP's fiance
1. Blames her for being attacked and held this against her and her friends.
2. Refused to talk to her until she updated his website.
3. Has used her to fund a business which appears to be failing.
4. Refuses to attend a wedding that is very important to her.
5. Is a tax evader, owes money to the sheriff for taxes he didn't pay.

From reading the thread OP your fiance sounds extremely controlling and manipulative and plays on your lack of self esteem and (unjustified)feelings of shame around the attack to get things the way he wants. He may well be depressed and if he is he should get treatment. There is plenty of contribution base/low cost counselling centres in Dublin. If he is unwilling to do that and continues to treat you with what sounds like no respect then you should leave. I have to be honest though its sounds to me like you should leave anyway. He doesn't sound like he loves you. You don't sound like you love him - you sound like you are so insecure and needy that you will cling to him because you think he is all you will get and all you deserve. You also should attend counselling.

Again apologies if I have read this thread incorrectly but this sounds like an extremely unhealthy relationship.

IrishEyes19

to be honest I dont think its the recession thats affected your chances of being married. if you are dead serious that the big day isnt an issue, then a registry office or some form of ceremony that is cost effective shouldnt be too difficult. sounds like your fiance isnt as enthused as you are.

Semele

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

Previously, he would not get engaged because of this incident saying that some days he can’t even look at me and just wanted to get away from me. He has nightmares a lot because once, early on in our relationship when I was drunk and wanting someone to talk to, I told him about the details of the attack. He has told me that back then before I had told him about what had happened to me he had already told his mother that he had met The One and he was planning on proposing. That was 9 years ago...

So, I know that it has not been easy or plain sailing for him and he promises that he will never leave me and if you knew me, you would know I would never leave him. But, knowing that a wedding was on the table 9 years ago and I blew it because of what i said hurts so much. I still love him with all my heart and i believe that through all we have been through he must still love me because otherwise he would have left and gone to oz like everyone else...

I just wish I had never told him.

Sorry, what?? So all of this is down to the fact that you were assaulted 9 years ago and had the nerve to trouble his delicate mind with the gory details? He sounds like a right catch if that's true! OP, why on earth do you stay with someone who treats you like damaged goods? And yet further talk about it as though he's doing you a favour by staying with you despite the fact that he won't marry you and some days can't even look at you because of it? No wonder your self-esteem is low. I can only imagine that some of your posts haven't been approved until recently because otherwise I can't understand why people are still criticising you and ignoring all this new info that makes him out to seem like a right tw*t.

LittleBook

Sorry, this is a bit confusing. Your posts are coming appearing a little haphazardly so let me get this straight ...

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

he HATES my friends. The summer we met I was doing a lot of drunken studenty drinking and on my birthday was plastered by 9 p.m. so one of my friends boyfriends put me in a cab to bring me home. I had just started going out with *Bob* and he arrived soon after. He hung out with them for the night not knowing that I had been accidentally put in a taxi with a predator. I don’t want to go into gorey details but suffice to say, it ended badly. Now, I am still friends with all these girls and one of them who was there that night is getting married next weekend. Bob blames them for not looking after me so will not be in their company at all.

You were attacked by a taxi driver one night and he blames your friends for this which is why he won't go this wedding.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

Previously, he would not get engaged because of this incident saying that some days he can’t even look at me and just wanted to get away from me. He has nightmares a lot because once, early on in our relationship when I was drunk and wanting someone to talk to, I told him about the details of the attack. He has told me that back then before I had told him about what had happened to me he had already told his mother that he had met The One and he was planning on proposing. That was 9 years ago.

He was planning on proposing to you and had told his Mum he had found "the one", then you told him about the attack and he changed his mind. Some days he can't even look at you and wants to get away from you since hearing about the attack. And he told you all this?!

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I started drinking even more once it happened and stopped going out with my friends because I just didn’t fit in anymore. He stopped wanting to bring me out with him because I would always black out by the end of the night and would end up being a hassle to bring home. So, I started staying at home. Stopped caring about my looks and piled on the lbs. Since then, I have kinda gotten things back in order: stopped drinking, started going to the gym.

You (understandably) coped badly with his reaction to the attack (and possibly still to the attack itself), and he cuts you off because you're a "hassle".

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I helped him financially and academically to go back to college to get a degree which he now has. During which time, his business went under due to the obvious reasons. I helped him start a new business

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

The reason why we have to live apart is because we moved into farming with everything in my name. He has to stay at home for that reason but it is not providing an income so I have to work away. I pay for all the bills, bought him a car so he wouldnt be stranded in the back arse of nowhere five days a week. Thing is, for me to do all of this i have to work in Galway.

You helped him through college, TWO business, pay all the bills and bought him a car.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

knowing that a wedding was on the table 9 years ago and I blew it because of what i said hurts so much. I still love him with all my heart ... he didn’t tell anyone in his extended family or any of his friends about our engagement. Also, his sister only found out four months after we got engaged and his brother six months after. But maybe you’re right. Maybe he thinks he owes it to me but he still doesn’t want to be bound to me forever considering all the things he would be taking on. I just wish I had never told him.

Oh wow. The first thing you need to realise is that his reaction to you being attacked is awful. I can completely understand that a partner would find it difficult to cope with an attack but his reaction shocks me.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

i believe that through all we have been through he must still love me because otherwise he would have left and gone to oz like everyone else.

The second thing you need to do is realise that it's possible that he hasn't gone to Australia (yet) because you've been pouring money into him.

I believe what I said earlier, he doesn't want to marry you. But I think you are so, SO lucky to not be married to this man.

I'm sorry OP but this does not sound like a good man, or a man who loves you. You need to think about cutting your losses, putting yourself first and taking care of yourself better. I'm so sorry.

titanium feather

You ask in the title of your post "How can anyone take my relationship seriously?" In a way, I know how you feel. I started going out with a guy at 19, we got engaged at 22, and several years later we're no closer to getting married. Therefore, our families and extended families don't really take us seriously as a couple at all and never have. The thing is, this does not matter to us in the slightest. Maybe we'll get married someday; maybe we won't. We do not need a piece of paper, or the "validation" of our family and friends, to prove how we feel about each other. We love each other. Simple as that. We take our relationship very seriously; whether or not anyone else does isn't really all that important to us.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I don’t know what it is that sets marriage apart from other relationships, but want it.

This is dangerous. You don't even know why you want to get married yourself?

It seems to me as though you think that, just by getting married, all other problems in your relationship will be fixed? This will not happen. Any financial problems, mental illnesses, etc, will still be there.

In my opinion, you need to be entirely completely happy with your relationship as it is, before you could even consider getting married. And you aren't - that much is obvious. Getting married will not fix the problems that are there already.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

And I want us to start a family. I have a good job so we could afford to have kids but I think considering that we have been together for nearly 10 years, we should be married first.

Time is ticking on (im 32) and I don’t think he understands my worries. I don’t know if this has made any sense but I was upset and needed to say these things.

He is depressed? And you seem to be coming from completely different viewpoints as regards your relationship? Hardly the ideal environment into which to be bringing kids.

Say if you were to end up being one of the 25% of couples who have difficulties in conceiving naturally. Say if you never got pregnant. Would you still be happy with this guy forever, just you and him?

Do you want to be with him, or are you just looking for a father to your children?

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I just got off the phone from him. We talk every day but only see each other at the weekends, as I had to take this job in Galway and he has to stay in Dublin. The phone gives him great distance.

Surely it would make sense for you two to live with each other for a long time before considering marriage? I mean, are you planning on continuing to live apart when you're married? One or both of you is going to end up making the sacrifice and moving for the sake of the relationship. Wouldn't it make much more sense to do this now, get settled into a permanent family routine, and if it's working long-term you could then consider marriage?

If you can't make your relationship work now, a piece of paper will change nothing.

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

When will we ever have a normal relationship? I hate the way the mess the country is now in has ruined my chances at ever getting married/having kids/having a home with him.

Ah come on, you can't blame it on the recession. If things are going to work out, people will always, always, find a way. If both the people involved want it enough. In this case, sadly, it looks like you're trying to make it work for the wrong reasons, and he's not bothered trying to make it work at all.

trio

I'm really, really shocked at his reaction to your terrible attack. I'm shocked that his reaction has made you wish you hadn't told him.

I think that's the worst part of this whole thing. No wonder you're insecure about him.

I really feel sorry for you OP, I think you've had a real slog with this guy over the years. More than you're willing to admit.

You've done a HELL of a lot of supporting for years and years. And in return, he's made you wish you'd bitten your tongue about something that had a devestating impact on you.

Aren't you tired? Aren't you just exhausted?

Oh, and I am curious - though you may not want to share....How's the intimate side of things? Cos I really, really, really don't recommend marrying anyone if that isn't right. Once the ring's on the finger it somehow becomes doubly hard to sort out that side of things.

Chinafoot

OP your posts have been appearing quite oddly and its extremely hard to give proper advice when you are drip feeding us important information.

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy and I agree with previous posters that there appears to be very little love on either side. The fact that your first post came across so badly just reinforces my opinion that you have your heart set on simply being married at the expense of actually having a proper, respectful and loving relationship. Why are you so hell bent on marrying a man who treated you so poorly after your attack? He doesn't want to marry you but you're clinging on trying to force the issue with him. You need to look hard at yourself and ask yourself why.

It sounds like neither of you should be together.

In The Sticks

Floppybits wrote: »

Piggyinthemiddle, to get married you have to have 2 people who want to get married, not 1 person who wants and another who doesn't and it sounds to me from your post that your bf doesn't want to get married, infact I would even questions does he want a relationship?

You say in your that he didn't want to get engaged but he dithered over that before you did get engaged, and now he is dithering over the wedding, these are huge red flags, your bf does not want to get married.

The reason I question your relationship is that you said he wont got to a friends wedding with you, did he give a reason or is he just refusing to go? To me this is not showing you respect, it doesn't take much to go to a wedding and to spend time with you.

If i was you I would have a serious think about your relationship and ask yourself some really hard questions because from what it sounds like to me is that you are both looking at going separate ways.

Floppybits, I think your comments are unfair, First of all Piggyinthemiddle, I think you need to go back to Dublin for a few days and talk this through, the guy is under huge pressure, ok so he does not want to get married, leave it off for a while, if you keep piling on the pressure Piggy you will loose him, it's not going to be sorted over a phone call.

Firetrap

I can't help but think that you've decided that you want to be married and are hell bent on getting this guy up the aisle, come hell or high water. Try to put the other issues aside e.g. your age, the scary thoughts of being single and trying to start all over again and look at what you have. You're with a man who should be looking forward to starting a new life with the woman he's crazy about. He sounds like he has been dragged kicking and screaming to where he is now and is terrified of committing to anything more. Do you really want to marry someone like that?

Miss Fluff

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I really just want the security of a marriage and he loves kids. Tho, he didn’t tell anyone in his extended family or any of his friends about our engagement. Also, his sister only found out four months after we got engaged and his brother six months after.

This would cause me grave concern. If he was serious about marrying you he'd be shouting it from the rooftops and sharing his good news with anyone who would listen. Hiding it from people does not bode well.

I think you've been offered very honest (and I am sure very hard to hear) advice from people on this thread OP so I hope that you're coming around to the realisation that you need to have a very difficult conversation with this man.

LegacyUser

Thanks for everyone for giving your two cents. I went home - kinda sad, as you could well imagine - after reading the replies and thought all evening about what the implications were.

Just to clarify, I am not some girl who has never lived with her partner and just decided out of the blue that I wanted to get married. We have lived together for 7 years but due to financial circumstances I had to move for my job and he could not afford to pay rent by himself in the place we had been living so moved home. Yes we argue - i think like any normal couple - about things of no consequence like whose turn it is to put out the bins and who is going to bring the dog for a walk in the rain this time.

One of the posters said that our problem is communication. I dont think this is our problem, but it is definately mine. Whenever a conversation arises about why he wont come out with my friends/go to their weddings it invariably comes back round to that incident. I hate talking about it and say "Grand, just drop it!". I am still not in the place to be able to talk about it. I prefer to forget and he prefers to bring it up.... So, I think my problem of communication is key.

I really don't think I dragged him kicking and screaming into this - he would always bring it up in up until the point we got engaged in subtle ways like when we would see people playing with their kids or old people walking together. But, maybe you are right and maybe he has changed his mind but I have blinkers/earmuffs on and refuse to listen or see the signs.

Last night, we skyped for the evening and worked on the website a bit more and talked about nothing in particular. I suggested that we should go hill walking this weekend.

My plan is to discuss it with him then. I know he is afraid it will all turn sour if I end up having to pay his fines. I am hoping that is the only real issue and there is some way - like him paying it off with his inheritance that he has bevered away in the swiss alps, which he wont do - so we can move forward in our relationship. I really don't want to bring up the taxi driver thing - again. It never ends well. I hate talking about it. I think i will leave that one for my therapist.

Anyway, having this conversation means that I have to be prepared to hear things I don't want to hear. And I, as the clingy optimist is hoping that I won't hear those things. But deep down I know there is a chance I might. I have to be able to give him an open gate through which to bolt and not make him feel like he is backed into a corner where there is only one right answer. I really don't know how I will cope if option a) bolting occurs. I will be crushed and devistated and as has happened in the past not be able to function. But, on the upside of that, it will be a fast and effective way to shed the lbs.

I will keep you posted.

Floppybits

In The Sticks wrote: »

Floppybits, I think your comments are unfair, First of all Piggyinthemiddle, I think you need to go back to Dublin for a few days and talk this through, the guy is under huge pressure, ok so he does not want to get married, leave it off for a while, if you keep piling on the pressure Piggy you will loose him, it's not going to be sorted over a phone call.

Can you tell me what is unfair? From the post it came across as the OP's boyfriend does not want to get married whether he is depressed or not and the OP is going to have to sit down and have serious talk to him and a serious look at what she wants.

Based on her updates, I would stick by what I said, infact I would now say that she would be better off ending the relationship because it seems to me its all give give give from the OP and BF is not giving anything back, no respect, no love, no future.

Taltos

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

One of the posters said that our problem is communication. I dont think this is our problem, but it is definately mine. Whenever a conversation arises about why he wont come out with my friends/go to their weddings it invariably comes back round to that incident. I hate talking about it and say "Grand, just drop it!". I am still not in the place to be able to talk about it. I prefer to forget and he prefers to bring it up.... So, I think my problem of communication is key.

OP - going to be blunt here - COP ON.
He is raising this precisely with ONE intent - to SHUT YOU UP...
This does come back to communication - he is not able to clearly communicate with you - and instead of facing up to his inability to deal he is making you assume all the blame and guilt by continually using this incident as a weapon against you.

You both need to set guidelines.
#1 - He CANNOT keep doing this. If he is unable/unwilling to talk - use a safeword but agree to revisit whatever it was after a few hours.

At the end of the day - you have got to stop blaming yourself for what happened, unfortunately it did occur and nothing you or he can do now will change this. He also has to accept this - and like it or not raising this constantly is only going to do one thing - make you feel crappier about yourself - NOT the action of someone who really cares...

Be careful here OP, don't close your eyes to the reality of this person just because some mental/biological clock is ticking...

Neyite

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I know he is afraid it will all turn sour if I end up having to pay his fines. I am hoping that is the only real issue and there is some way - like him paying it off with his inheritance that he has bevered away in the swiss alps, which he wont do - so we can move forward in our relationship.

Whoa there!

He wont pay the sherrif for his debts with his assets, yet you have to bail him out (again!!) If he has assets elsewhere, why are you beggaring yourself paying his tax fines- Its not like you are married, right? (and I would be tempted to tell him that too!)

It does sound like the engagment is a bit of a farce that he only did to keep you happy. Dont be the 42 year old in 10 years time waiting for him to agree to a wedding.

Maple

I've read this thread and I'm sitting here shaking my head in disgust, I'm not a fan of berating a poster in the name of tough love, but my goodness OP from what you've said here, your fiance is a disgusting leech.

It really sounds like he is just stringing you along, honestly. I'm so sorry but it really does. You've given him so much financial support over the years and right to the current day even buying him a sodding car? You helped him start a business? You sort out his website? You're now fearing that you should have to help him out with the sheriff over taxes that he didn't pay? Despite him having an inheritance that he could use to sort out his money issues?

I have that right do I??

The part tho that has really stuck out for me OP is his shameful reaction to your sexual assault. He has kept this hanging over your head, allowing you feel that if this hadn't happened to you he would have proposed long before now? Spinning you some yarn about telling his mother that he'd found the one, and is turning your behaviour on you making you feel like you have to apologise for having been assaulted? That is such bullsh1t.

It was 9 years ago. Your friends nor you were to know what could have possibly happened. I understand his being angry, of course I do, but after this length of time he is just using this as an excuse for him to do exactly what he wants to do. His behaviour is shameful OP, it is shameful.

I understand how you feel about this man and wanting to cement your relationship, but OP he doesn't want this and he is going to keep fobbing you off with excuse after excuse.

If he is sincere, it may be that at this minute in time he simply does not have the head space to organise a wedding while he is trying to sort out his financial situation.

Allow him this space, tell him ok he can have this space, but ask him outright what exactly he is doing to sort out his problems.

You are so embroiled in this situation that you cannot see the wood for the trees, your obsession with getting married is blinding you to the reality of the situation. You need to take some space from it. Perhaps if you don't have the wedding hanging over you, your relationship will return to normal but you need to take some deep breaths OP and take a step back.

Best of luck.

Magicmatilda

"I helped him financially and academically to go back to college to get a degree which he now has. During which time, his business went under due to the obvious reasons"

"The reason why we have to live apart is because we moved into farming with everything in my name"

"I pay for all the bills, bought him a car so he wouldnt be stranded in the back arse of nowhere"

How do you justify the above i.e. supporting him financially and buying him a car when apparently he is hiding his money away in switzerland?

"like him paying it off with his inheritance that he has bevered away in the swiss alps"

I am not suprised the tax man is after him but surely he should be paying his fines from the money in switzerland? I am really curious as to how exactly you justify this to yourself, or how he justifies it to you?

Also i'd be curious to know how he proposed?

To me it sounds like he is using you for cash end of.

But you sound like you refuse to believe that this wonderful man (in your eyes) could ever do anything wrong. To ignore how this man sponges of you, makes you feel ashamed of being attacked and generally treats you like a piece of c**p would be very foolish, very foolish indeed.

I am a friend

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

My family have been telling me for years he is not for me but I have always believed that it was just our circumstances that were not right.

But why would you not listen to them?

dixiefly

Piggyinthemiddle,
I think you have got some good advice on this thread so I wont repeat it.

You may be right that he is the man for you but he has not demonstrated that you are the girl for him.

On top of that you have been asked for and provided financial committments that are beyond the call and duty of the current relationship (i.e. dating but not married legally etc) and it turns out that he didnt really need that financial committment from you.

You are in a relationship with him and therefore cannot consider other guys who may be interested.

My advice would be to take a break for a few months to allow him to get his head together . You should pull back if possible from the financial committments wth him (which you really shouldnt have got itnto in the circumstances). Give him time to decide whatb future he wanst and also that you want.

In the meantime be open to approaches from other guys, i.e. see what other guys are out there. It doesnt have to be an intense or sexual relationship but there are other fish in the sea.

Standman

A fiance who uses a sexual assault against you as a stick to beat you with - is this the act of a person who loves you? It would take some damn warped logic to say yes.

Not even considering the fact that he calls you in tears complaining about the tax man when it is well within his means to pay it back himself. Absolutely disgraceful! I know the fact that you have been with him so long will make things hard to judge objectively, but seriously his you need to take a huge step back and try and get some perspective on this.

Zen65

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

I really just want the security of a marriage and he loves kids. Tho, he didn’t tell anyone in his extended family or any of his friends about our engagement.

Oh Lord!!

I've read most of this thread, and everything that you have written Op, and the above quote still stands out for me.

Maybe it's because I've seen this situation so many times before, both in real life and even regularly on Judge Judy. Indeed Judge Judy regularly diverts from points of law to tell the many women who come forward with various versions of your story the same thing: "You should have known better".

Let's forget about the Judge for a moment (though I do suggest you watch her occasionally, you may find the insight you need on her show someday).

This man is not going to marry you. He is using you, and he knows exactly how to manipulate you so that you will allow him to continue using you. He knows how much you want marriage, and he has learned how to use this desire on your part to extract everything he wants from you. He uses the fights to make you feel bad about the way things are, and to make you feel bad about you.

He did not tell his family about the wedding because he knows they would see it for what it is: a sham. This man uses your "dark secret" to manipulate you emotionally, in much the same way a sexually abusive person manipulates their victim. He tells you he cannot bear to be with you because of what somebody else did to you. But despite that, he can take your money, your time, your work, and more of your money.

Others here have said it and I can only repeat it. I do intensely dislike to suggest to anyone that they leave their partner on the basis of what they write here in Boards.ie, but pretty much everything you have written tells me this man is using you for his own gain, and you would be better off alone, or with somebody else, than staying another day with him.

Be at peace,


Z

Fox McCloud

He is using you for your money.

He uses a traumatic event YOU experienced to not only manipulate every discussion and shut you up but also to issolate you from your friends.

Forget marraige, thank fricken god he wont marry you!!!

Your allowed to want to be married.

Picture this... Break up with him(oh and when you do this I bet you'l get many promises of marraige when he senses your money escaping his reach), Spend some time getting over him and your relationship. Take time to deal with your own self esteem and truely understand this man is not the one for you and to understand that the trauma you went through was not your fault or something that happened to him.

When your in a healthy mindframe your self you will find yourself attracting and being attracted to to guys that arrent manipulative abussive horrible people who sniff out people with low self esteem to use and control. You will find a lovely man who, if you chose to tell him about the trauma you went through, will listen and support you fully and help you deal with it. He will never use it against you or bring it up in an argument. He will propose and want to marry you because he wants to and loves you and wants to be married to you.

You can have a very different life if you want it. You just have to reach out and take it.

Leitrim lass

He sounds like a first class pr*ck to me.

YOU get attacked and he acts like it was you and your friends fault???
I am downright disgusted by this!!

You must have had very low self esteem after the attack to have pandered to HIS feelings so much.
'He could barely look at you some days'.
OP, you should have been getting counselling after the attack instead of trying to make up for it to this loser. It wasn't your fault yet you have been trying to make up for it for the last 10 years to this man by financing his degree, buying him a car and basically setting him up in business.
He doesn't respect you and you obviously don't respect yourself.

Him demanding that you fix up his website before he will speak to you again is both childish and controlling.

Do you really want to have children with a man who will no doubt treat his children with the same contempt as he shows you?

You really can do better than this man OP.
If anybody should be calling a halt to this wedding it should be you but sadly you seem to think that this man is your chance of happiness.
Take care of your self here OP. This man doesn't deserve you.

LegacyUser

I have read through your thread and saw the following - I helped him financially and academically to go back to college to get a degree which he now has. During which time, his business went under due to the obvious reasons. I helped him start a new business and I then got a job.

Your relationship sounds very like one a friend of mine was involved in.
A few weeks before the wedding he said he was not ready. My friend was heartbroken but within a few weeks went back out with him but soon after they broke up and stayed friends. Within a few months her ex left Ireland leaving a lot of problems for others to sort out.
My friend was wasting her time with a selfish man who used her until he got a his qualifications, a job and new friends here in Ireland. He then said I am not ready to get married just like your oh.
You need to say good bye to your oh. He has not the decency to tell you I don't want to get married but expects you to be there to help him out long term with out a commitment on his side.
Your are now 32 and if you want family you can no longer waste time with an oh who won't commit to you. My friend went on to met a nice guy who was mature and who wanted marriage and a family which they now have.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Here's my take on it - as another thirty something woman.

You have every right to want marriage and a family. A poster above talked about fertility lasting another 20 years and another mentioned a pregnant 44 yr old s/he knew. Very few women are fertile at that age, so you have to be realistic. I think you know this of course, and that's why you're here - quite rightly. On the other hand, it doesn't look like he's going to commit anytime soon, so it might be better to spend the next few years single and hopeful than the next few years wrecking your head in this situation?

Look up 'co-dependency'. This is when one person is so involved 'fixing' another so they can avoid dealing with their own needs and issues. I think you and him have developed a co-dependent relationship - one decision leads to another, until you're deeper and deeper into 'his' problems - and you're not getting the same level of care from him. Unfortunately, fixing a co-dependent situation means fixing yourself first - and often separating from the person you're 'over-involved' with. It seems like your relationship has gone lopsided - you need to ask yourself why, because the solution starts with you. Read 'Women who love too much' for a start. Or 'Co-dependent no more'.

So that's lots of psychobabble... of course you also have a practical situation. You have to talk to this man - in a way that will make you heard. It's easy to dismiss 'nagging' - remember the less you say, the more you will be heard. This is really hard to do when you're in a bad pattern of relating with someone. I wouldn't use this thread to communicate with him - its your side of the story only so he can dismiss it. Maybe your hike is the appropriate time to talk. Maybe you need to put it all in writing for him - simply and calmly, for him to read before you meet. Don't let the angry voice come in. Tell him you love him and want to support him through the depression but you also have your own needs. That's not nagging, that's just being honest. He has a choice to make. No amount of softly-softly handling or nagging, or ultimatum behaviour will change things. The choice is in his hands, not yours. When you're in a co-dependent relationship it's very tempting to try to control/manage his reactions etc. but really, stop fretting - you've done what you can. This is his choice now - and it's not just about marriage - it's about truly committing to the relationship. If he's not in a place to make that commitment because of his depression or finances then you will have to withdraw from the relationship for awhile, or forever, because you have a duty to yourself.

Also PLEASE try to arrange some counselling for yourself to help you through this. If he does decide to stick around, you need counselling together.

You have a chance to start turning YOUR life around now. It will be hard work - start reading the books, writing lists of what you want from life and facing up to the hard facts about how YOU relate to yourself and partner(s). Remember we can only control ourselves. When we take responsibility for ourselves, we inspire others to take responsibility for themselves. Then people can meet as adults.

LegacyUser

Oh dear, I messed up. I was so upset that he was not going to the wedding that when he asked why I was staying in a B&B instead of going home, I snottily said "This wouldnt even be an issue except that you flaked on me."

I do need to get external help on this one because we just cant communicate. He did the usual "You are so angry at life that you go around with a big puss on your face and Im happy that I am going to the horse show with my friend and not going to the wedding with you because I will actually enjoy myself with them. And, if we break up, you will be the one who is devistated. I will be happy because I am a happy person. You complain you have no friends but that is because you are never nice to people". That made me want to cry. I know I am a sad person but I dont think I am a bad person, he thinks I am rotten to the core and I just know I am not.

So, thats the walk gone out the window To be honest, I think I should just head back to Galway. Think that conversation really wrapped up how he feels about me. I don't think a walk would make it any clearer. He thinks I am in the wrong, but as far as I can see I am the only one on the edge of tears but I wont give him the satisfaction.

Thanks for everyones messages. I really appreciate them. Wish this relationship had ended years ago so I wouldnt be upset now.

Standman

Well now he's put all his cards on the table, it's plain he doesn't respect you or want to be with you so it's high time you cut your losses. It must be hard for you now but try to look at this positively, now you can move on and find someone who is worth your love.

Edit: Also, about you messing up; you did nothing of the sort! You can hold your head high on this one, he is way out of line here and in pretty much every other example of his behaviour you've given. Keep the chin up.

Neyite

piggyinthemiddle123 wrote: »

He did the usual "You are so angry at life that you go around with a big puss on your face and Im happy that I am going to the horse show with my friend and not going to the wedding with you because I will actually enjoy myself with them. And, if we break up, you will be the one who is devistated. I will be happy because I am a happy person. You complain you have no friends but that is because you are never nice to people". That made me want to cry. I know I am a sad person but I dont think I am a bad person, he thinks I am rotten to the core and I just know I am not.

I dont even know you, but I do know that he is playing on your insecurities here. In bad relationships we are all sad, frustrated and angry at life- we shy away from friends because we dont want them to see the mess that we are in the midst of -its in the good relationships that positivity and happiness, and friendships shine. For what its worth, you do come across as a nice person - too nice in fact. Thats why he was able to manipulate you into bankrolling him for so long.

He will be able to be happy because he does not care about your hurt, only him. You, on the other hand will grieve for your relationship, because you loved him. It sounds like some of your friends and family are waiting in the wings for you to have this moment of clarity. Now is the time to lean on them - You can hold your head up high here - you treated someone with love and kindness and they abused that, not you.