Marriage and Men

Blisterman

Ok, this topic might descend into generalisation, which I don't really want to happen, but anyway...

I was just curious about other men's opinions on marriage. Is it something you would do and why? If you are married, why did you get married.

I only ask, because, speaking to guys I know who got married, almost all of them seem to have done it mostly, because it's what their girlfriend wanted.

Personally I'm in two minds about it. One the one hand, it would be nice, if I found somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, to make a commitment like that and make it official.

But on the other hand, it's hard to see what I'd gain from it. It's not as if once we get married, it's plain sailing and we're gonna love each other for ever more no matter what. Marriage is just as hard work as any other relationship. Possibly harder.

Weddings are expensive too. Even a low key wedding, you're talking as much as you'd pay for a car, for a one day party. And of course divorce is even more expensive, if it does come to that.

At the end of the day, if it was what my girlfriend wanted, and I felt that I definitely wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, like my friends I'd do it to make her happy, but if she was happy to never get married, I'd be perfectly fine with it.

So I'm kind of curious as to what other people thought of it.

Sky King

I'd like it, I think.

The thoughts of a 'traditional' wedding fill me with dread though. If I was in charge of it, it would be a registry office, followed by a nice meal with both sets of parents - job done.

I dislike the idea of having children severely and never ever want any. I can see this being a contentious issue in time!

Wolfe Tone

I'd love to get married one day, I wouldn't enter into it lightly though.


If I do get married it will deffo be a traditional wedding.

Logical Fallacy

Blisterman wrote: »

Even a low key wedding, you're talking as much as you'd pay for a car, for a one day party.

Don't know about that. Recently some friends of mine got married and did the whole thing for 800 bucks and it was the best wedding i have ever been at.

As for marriage, yeah, i want to get married. I'm just an old romantic though, i like the idea of the statement of marriage, that i love someone that much and wish to make that commitment in front of friends and family and also as a promise and declaration of my feelings towards the girl herself.

@Sky King, i strongly suggest you be open and honest about your feelings towards kids early on. I've always felt the same way and have always been happy to say it. Hell, with my current girlfriend it's part of the deal, neither of us ever want kids, ever, and both share a secret disdain of people who tell us how we will change our minds in time...actually scratch secret, we normally just put them right at the time. lol

I've seen people try and ignore the fact that one person wants kids and the other doesn't and it only ever leads to disaster as both sit there hoping the other will change their minds.

krudler

I'm not pushed if I ever do tbh,it seems to kill all the romance in a relationship once the honeymoon is over.

parker kent

I definitely want to get married. When and where depends on a variety of things. I'd lean towards something semi-traditional depending on the girl.

I'm in no way religious so a Church wedding would only happen if the girl really wanted it. Plenty of places other than a church or registry office where you could have the ceremony.

As for costs, you can spend as much or as little as you want on a wedding.

amacachi

Never gonna get married, someone who needs it wouldn't be someone I'd want to be with.

Sky King

'Change your mind in time' yeah that's a good one LF, I get that one as well. My mother keeps telling me 'it's all ahead of you' when my neice and nephew call over to her house to s**t themselves and scream obnoxiousness into my sister's face at 110 dB.

But she's been saying that for years. I am nearly 30 now and yet still the idea of having kids sends a chill up my spine.... so... when am I going to suddenly wake up and realise I crave parenthood?

Right now I crave spending all my money and spare time on music equipment partying and flying. I can't see this changing.

But yea, my lady is under no illusions about this- but she's a bit younger so the kid switch hasn't tripped in her head yeat - I am told this happens around the late 20's.

Was thinkin of getting the snip on the sly but I like leaving my options open so that's stopping me.

Would love to hear from men who felt the same way I did until children were inflicted on them and they suddenly 'got it'!

But yea marriage. Why not? The men getting fked over by divorce thread maybe?

Logical Fallacy

A few years ago my mother kept banging on about kids, which was annoying. I don't want em, she already has grand kids, so who cares?

I detailed a plan to her where i said if i had kids i wanted twin boys. I would call one Bob and the other one Susan. Bob would get treated like dirt, no toys, no birthdays and he could spend Christmas under the stairs. Susan would get treated like a princess and I would buy him everything he ever wanted and be a loving and caring father...but i would remind him once a day that i had gifted him a girls name and that's why the other boys beat him up.

Then on their 18th birthday i'd sit them both down and ask them to decide which one hated me more.

She hasn't asked me about kids since.:)

ArphaRima

Marriage and kids will happen. Part of the plan.

I see marriage as drawing a line under my single days and moving forward as a unit. It has no real bearing on the health of the relationship, but I think it does serve a purpose.

As for the wedding celebration it completely depends on the girl. My preference would be for a foreign event with close friends and family only. The cost doesnt bother me; I just dont like the traditional wedding and dont have any affection for the church. I would like it for the party really! Chances are I will not marry Irish anyway as I live abroad so it all comes down to her family preferences.

Wolfe Tone

I'd like to have kids one day but I would like to skip until they were 5 or six, I hate babies.

Mance Rayder

My wife is my life and I am hers

Extremely happily married man here

The reason your unsure is because you haven't met her yet. If you meet the right person, you will know, and if in doubt, don't!

hollypink

Sky King wrote: »

Was thinkin of getting the snip on the sly but I like leaving my options open so that's stopping me.

Please don't do this on the sly if you're in a serious relationship, there's nothing wrong with not wanting children but I've seen people devastatingly hurt by dishonesty about it.

Will

I'm not really sure, I'm not particularly religious at all so the idea of a wedding and marriage is a bit hypocritical. I've been around long enough to know that just because some couple get married it's going to deter both parties from ever playing offside. It happens a lot, more than I'm comfortable with.

Logical Fallacy

Will wrote: »

I'm not really sure, I'm not particularly religious at all so the idea of a wedding and marriage is a bit hypocritical.

I'll be going the civil ceremony route. Would never get married in a church as i would feel like a total shill.

si_guru

Sky King wrote: »

'Change your mind in time' yeah that's a good one LF, I get that one as well. My mother keeps telling me 'it's all ahead of you' when my neice and nephew call over to her house to s**t themselves and scream obnoxiousness into my sister's face at 110 dB.

But she's been saying that for years. I am nearly 30 now and yet still the idea of having kids sends a chill up my spine.... so... when am I going to suddenly wake up and realise I crave parenthood?

Right now I crave spending all my money and spare time on music equipment partying and flying. I can't see this changing.

But yea, my lady is under no illusions about this- but she's a bit younger so the kid switch hasn't tripped in her head yeat - I am told this happens around the late 20's.

Was thinkin of getting the snip on the sly but I like leaving my options open so that's stopping me.

Would love to hear from men who felt the same way I did until children were inflicted on them and they suddenly 'got it'!

But yea marriage. Why not? The men getting fked over by divorce thread maybe?

What's the point of life if you don't have kids?

I had my kids at 38. At 30 I wasn't in the right relationship yet.

Cavehill Red

hollypink wrote: »

Please don't do this on the sly if you're in a serious relationship, there's nothing wrong with not wanting children but I've seen people devastatingly hurt by dishonesty about it.

Does that also apply to women who claim they're cool about having no kids, then browbeat their husband about it every day until he gives in as soon as they're married?

I only ask because I've seen this three times now recently, with fellas who never wanted kids, thought they'd met a woman who concurred, and then found themselves in living hell until they gave in to something they thought was never on the table.

Now, I'm not saying any of those lads don't love their kids. I assume they do. But they never intended to have any. And suddenly, post-marriage, they do. And they weren't exactly willing accomplices. I know you might say, if they didn't want it, they shouldn't have gone for it, but by the time this arose for each, they'd already married someone, at least partly on the basis that they didn't want kids, and were facing a choice of kids or else divorce.

[Full disclosure - I'm an unmarried parent,]

Logical Fallacy

si_guru wrote: »

What's the point of life if you don't have kids?

Living.

Please don't say it's people's responsibility to ensure the survival of the species.

Well done for pushing the stereotype that all parents think everyone else should be parents though.

theteal

I could live on very happily as is with herself without the official title, i don't see the difference it makes - and i've told her this

She wants a wedding (i don't know whether to blame tradition or stupid magazines), so it'll probably happen sooner rather than later - there may be some tax benefits i suppose


My only stipulations are that it won't be religious and it will happen on a beach

parker kent

Will wrote: »

I'm not really sure, I'm not particularly religious at all so the idea of a wedding and marriage is a bit hypocritical.

Not really considering there are civil marriages. Anyway marriage has existed in some form or other long before the Catholic Church existed. We've just lived through an era in Ireland where Marriage=church wedding.

I view marriage as a symbol. One day I hope to meet a girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with. A marriage is a symbol of that bond, a public declaration of your bond. Sure you could exist without getting married, but why wouldn't you get married if you're with somebody you see yourself spending the rest of your life with? It makes practical and emotional sense to me.

Although I wouldn't enter a marriage willy-nilly, it would take a serious amount of time before I'd feel settled enough to make it permanent.

parker kent

theteal wrote: »

I could live on very happily as is with herself without the official title, i don't see the difference it makes - and i've told her this

She wants a wedding (i don't know whether to blame tradition or stupid magazines), so it'll probably happen sooner rather than later - there may be some tax benefits i suppose


My only stipulations are that it won't be religious and it will happen on a beach

If you don't see the difference, why not do it? She clearly wants to get married. If it makes no odds to you, you'd at least be making her happy.

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Does that also apply to women who claim they're cool about having no kids, then browbeat their husband about it every day until he gives in as soon as they're married?

I only ask because I've seen this three times now recently, with fellas who never wanted kids, thought they'd met a woman who concurred, and then found themselves in living hell until they gave in to something they thought was never on the table.

Now, I'm not saying any of those lads don't love their kids. I assume they do. But they never intended to have any. And suddenly, post-marriage, they do. And they weren't exactly willing complices. I know you might say, if they didn't want it, they shouldn't have gone for it, but by the time this arose for each, they'd already married someone, at least partly on the basis that they didn't want kids, and were facing a choice of kids or else divorce.

[Full disclosure - I'm an unmarried parent,]

You're just comparing one dodgy, underhand, childish act with another. Getting a vasectomy on the sly and brow beating a man who doesn't want kids into having kids are both ridiculous IMO.

Blisterman

CiscoStudent wrote: »

My wife is my life and I am hers

Extremely happily married man here

The reason your unsure is because you haven't met her yet. If you meet the right person, you will know, and if in doubt, don't!

Do you think marriage itself added anything to your relationship?

Obviously you can have a committed and loving relationship without ever being married. And I assume you were in one. Did it change anything?

Darlughda

si_guru wrote: »

What's the point of life if you don't have kids?

I had my kids at 38. At 30 I wasn't in the right relationship yet.

Okay, I'll bite at this. Life is not about reproducing and having children.
If that is what you really, really want, then fair play - chances are you will make a good parent.

However, assuming that life is about reproducing is just assuming that we are still at the animal level rather than human level of evolvement.

Finding what the point of life is seems to be an individual continuous journey. For some, it is indeed, the family unit.

For many, many others it can be a vast array of different things.

For example, becoming excellent at what you do job wise, doing voluntary work that nurtures your community, and just existing without having to prove to any one else that your life is worthwhile is at least 3 reasons I can think of off the top off my head.

I personally don't want to have children, but it is very, very hard to find a man who is committed to this same intent. I would just love it if somebody wanted to marry me because they loved me and wanted to spend their rest of their lives with me and vow this in front of the people they really loved and respected.

hollypink

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Does that also apply to women who claim they're cool about having no kids, then browbeat their husband about it every day until he gives in as soon as they're married?

I only ask because I've seen this three times now recently, with fellas who never wanted kids, thought they'd met a woman who concurred, and then found themselves in living hell until they gave in to something they thought was never on the table.

Now, I'm not saying any of those lads don't love their kids. I assume they do. But they never intended to have any. And suddenly, post-marriage, they do. And they weren't exactly willing complices. I know you might say, if they didn't want it, they shouldn't have gone for it, but by the time this arose for each, they'd already married someone, at least partly on the basis that they didn't want kids, and were facing a choice of kids or else divorce.

[Full disclosure - I'm an unmarried parent,]

Absolutely it applies to women and men. It's only my opinion but I believe both men and women should be completely honest with each other about this because as i said dishonesty (on either side) can have devastating consequences. Sorry if it sounded like I was directing it only at men but it was just that the post I responded to was by a man.

krudler

si_guru wrote: »

What's the point of life if you don't have kids?

I had my kids at 38. At 30 I wasn't in the right relationship yet.

damn all us childless people wasting our lives! damn us all to helllllllll!

patronising much? what about people who cant have kids? no point in their lives either?

theteal

parker kent wrote: »

If you don't see the difference, why not do it? She clearly wants to get married. If it makes no odds to you, you'd at least be making her happy.

it makes no odds to me hence i say it'll happen sooner rather than later. i just have to cunningly lower her expectations so the surprise is even better. . .that always works, right?

si_guru

Darlughda wrote: »

Okay, I'll bite at this. Life is not about reproducing and having children.
If that is what you really, really want, then fair play - chances are you will make a good parent.

However, assuming that life is about reproducing is just assuming that we are still at the animal level rather than human level of evolvement.

Finding what the point of life is seems to be an individual continuous journey. For some, it is indeed, the family unit.

For many, many others it can be a vast array of different things.

For example, becoming excellent at what you do job wise, doing voluntary work that nurtures your community, and just existing without having to prove to any one else that your life is worthwhile is at least 3 reasons I can think of off the top off my head.

I personally don't want to have children, but it is very, very hard to find a man who is committed to this same intent. I would just love it if somebody wanted to marry me because they loved me and wanted to spend their rest of their lives with me and vow this in front of the people they really loved and respected.

I am not saying you are wrong.. just that 30 is still young and mine and everyones opions and beliefs change overtime.

Keep an open mind. Maybe the relationship you want to see right thru' will be with someone would makes you want to have a family.

Having kids is about (for me) new experiences and emotions. Plus re-living my old passions for camping and bikes and lego with my own family... not just about continuing the surname - and thank god they take after their gorgeous irish mom - not the english genetic monkey I am!

whydoibother?

As a girl, I'm finding it surprising and reassuring to learn in this thread that there are quite a few men who don't want the big massive traditional wedding. If I was to get married, my biggest fear would be that I'd have to either agree to that, which I wouldn't want, or always feel I'd deprived someone else of their "big day".

Mance Rayder

Blisterman wrote: »

Do you think marriage itself added anything to your relationship?

Obviously you can have a committed and loving relationship without ever being married. And I assume you were in one. Did it change anything?

Ive been in several long term commited relationships before and they never felt 100% right and therefore never went further.

However, (The cynics are gonna love this) I asked my wife to marry me after 3 days, she said yes, suprising herself also. That was several years ago and we are very very happy. Many of my "peers" were expecting, almost gloatingly, for it to fall apart but F*** them we dont have to fall into there cynical and narrow world view. We have a very romantic story that many wouldnt believe but me and my wife live it each day.

It's not for everyone and each to their own but for me and my wife it's our dreams come true.

Darlughda

si_guru wrote: »

I am not saying you are wrong.. just that 30 is still young and mine and everyones opions and beliefs change overtime.

Keep an open mind. Maybe the relationship you want to see right thru' will be with someone would makes you want to have a family.

Having kids is about (for me) new experiences and emotions. Plus re-living my old passions for camping and bikes and lego with my own family... not just about continuing the surname - and thank god they take after their gorgeous irish mom - not the english genetic monkey I am!

emmm, I am late 30's and cannot have children. Thankfully. Bully for you that your kids are about new experiences and emotions, and recreating your childhood, many other ways to get those rather than leeching your life off your kids.

If that statement appears a bit strong, its just that I am tired hearing about this kind of invigoration a child does for a parent. It isn't about you. It's about them.

Great you are enjoying your children, but unfortunately, too many people try to project their unfulfilled desires and expectations onto kids, and it does alarm me that you cannot get new experiences, emotions, and an re-egnition of old passions from elsewhere rather than through your children.

Children do grow up, with individual destinys and desires and goals and needs and wants of their own, utterly seperate from their parents.

Wolfe Tone

Darlughda wrote: »

emmm, I am late 30's and cannot have children. Thankfully. Bully for you that your kids are about new experiences and emotions, and recreating your childhood, many other ways to get those rather than leeching your life off your kids.

If that statement appears a bit strong, its just that I am tired hearing about this kind of invigoration a child does for a parent. It isn't about you. It's about them.

Great you are enjoying your children, but unfortunately, too many people try to project their unfulfilled desires and expectations onto kids, and it does alarm me that you cannot get new experiences, emotions, and an re-egnition of old passions from elsewhere rather than through your children.

Children do grow up, with individual destinys and desires and goals and needs and wants of their own, utterly seperate from their parents.

Jesus you sound bitter.

The man was just saying how he enjoys doing things with his kids, no need whatsoever to run him down like that.